Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 11 - Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure - full transcript

Woody has developed a disease: Home-Shopping-Channel-itis. He has just discovered the channel's existence, and can't stop buying stuff from it. He realizes the stuff he is buying is crap, but just can't help himself. Although it doesn't cure his desire, his credit card company helps him out as he is over his credit limit, forcing him to go cold turkey. Meanwhile, Norm and his accomplice Cliff have decided to be puppet masters by putting people in situations they know will cause a conflict. They first start with Rebecca and Carla with a work situation. Their next target is Sam and Frasier. Frasier and Lilith are in the bar for drinks with some work colleagues and Frasier is going to pay with his gold credit card. Norm and Cliff manage to get the credit card number and report the card stolen to the credit card company just before Sam is about to call for authorization for Frasier's purchases at the bar. When Sam calls, the company informs Sam that he can't accept the card because it's been reported stolen. Frasier finds this incredulous since obviously he still has the card. Still, Sam cannot accept payment with such and offers to help Frasier out by having the drinks on the house, starting a bar tab for him or even giving him his own credit cards as replacements. Frasier finds these suggestions by Sam insulting. The one thing Sam cannot do is give Frasier his card back as Sam is required to cut up the card and send it back to the credit card company. Sam snips the card in half in front of Frasier's eyes, to which Frasier gasps in horror. Because he sees this act from his so-called friend as being intentionally hurtful and humiliating, Frasier vows to leave Cheers and never come back. For Norm and Cliff, this prank has gone a little farther than they anticipated or wanted. Sam ultimately has his revenge with a little help from a withdrawal laden Woody.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

CLIFF: Oh... here's Sam.

CARLA: Oh, come on,
Sammy. Hey, Sammy.

Sammy, open up. It's freezing!

SAM: Hey, what are you
guys standing around for?

How come somebody
didn't let you in?

CARLA: I left my keys home.

SAM: Oh, no, I was
counting on yours.

REBECCA: I left
mine in the office.

Hurry up! It's cold!

Well, how are we
gonna get in here?



NORM: 'Morning,
everybody. OTHERS: Norm!

(keys jangling)
NORM: Sorry I'm late.

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪



♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

(grunts)

Sorry I took so long
getting here this morning.

Sam, you know, this is
the fourth time this week

that you've been late.

As a responsible businessman
and the owner of this bar,

you owe it to yourself to stick

to a more responsible
schedule, you know.

Absolutely.

If the post office ran its
business the way you run yours...

Never mind.

I have a good excuse this time.

I'm being treated
by a dermatologist.

Is it anything serious?

No, no, no... I just told her

that I had a patch of dry skin,

and we stayed up
all night looking for it.

Found it, too...
Four times, by golly.

Sammy, uh, can we stick
to the topic at hand, please?

Yeah, Sam. I don't mean
to make any threats here,

but Gary's Old Towne
Tavern already opens

a half-hour before you do.

And how do we know that, Norm?

Hey, who's on trial here, huh?

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Woody...

You won't believe this.

I just found out
that on cable TV,

they have this channel
where they show you stuff

and you can buy it any hour
of the day, any day of the week.

How did we live before?

Yeah, yeah. Home
Shopping Channel...

Ma loves it, she's
always watching it.

She's always saying, "If I had
a rich son, he'd buy me this,

If I had a rich son,
he'd buy me that."

Who do you think bought
her the TV in the first place?

You, Cliffie?

No, but if I find the guy,

I'm gonna shove that
clicker down his throat.

Look at this... I already
got my first package.

Yeah?

Huh?

It's a toy car...

and also rewinds videotapes.

Now, uh, wouldn't a
VCR rewind tapes?

Uh, not the one I
bought last night.

REBECCA: Excuse me,

Carla.

Did you read my last memo?

No.

Well, if you had read
it, you would know

that we are no longer accepting
time cards made out in pencil.

From now on,

all paperwork
must be done in ink.

Okay.

Did you hear me?

Are you acknowledging my memo?

I heard you! I acknowledge
the damn memo!

Now would you get out of my
face so I can finish this time card?

I mean, this isn't
easy, you know.

My pencil's almost
down to the nub.

Well, as long as you're
aware of the problem.

Oy... that's
something, eh, Norm?

Remember the good old days?

When you used to be able
to take an argument like that

between two gals and turn
them into the Jets and the Sharks?

Tell you what, Cliffie,

for you, I'm gonna
tee it up one more time.

All right. Watch this.

Rebecca, uh,

I noticed your little exchange
with Carla over there,

and I have to say, I admire
your management technique.

Thank you very much, Norm.

It takes a lot of courage,
you know, to humiliate yourself

just for the well-being
of one employee.

If you were a
Japanese businessman,

I mean, to lose face like
that, you'd probably have to

commit some sort of
ritual suicide, you know?

But here in America...

Carla!

Come in my office,

bring that time card and a pen.

I'd better be getting a raise.

(door closing)

CLIFF: Oh,

the master returns
from his triumphal march

to the valley of evil.

I got a raise.

Frasier, darling, today is

our monthly luncheon
with the Psychoanalytic

and Social Therapeutic
Practitioners Society.

Have you forgotten?

Well, let me finish
this double, and I might.

Now, Doctor...

Yeah, well, Lilith,
I really can't stand

another dry, endless luncheon

in some stuffy old restaurant.

Pretty boring, huh, Fras?

Well, let me put
it this way, Sam.

Lilith is the Dorothy Parker

of this particular roundtable.

Come on, Frasier, let's go.

All right, but I won't enjoy it.

Hey, Norm, go ahead,
make them fight.

Oh, you do it, come on.

Me? Yeah.

CLIFF: Hey, Fras, you
think Carla should be

filling out the time card
with a pen or a pencil?

I can see

why you can't tear yourself
away from this place.

All right, all right, all right.

So I'm not you.

Cliffie, come on now.

Buck up, buddy.

You're, you're just
warming up here.

You got to start out with
an easy one first, huh?

Yeah. Look,
there's... there's Paul!

There's Paul. Hey, Hey, Paul!

Shut up, fathead!

Hey, guys.

Hey, Wood.

Look what I just got on
the shopping channel.

Now, there's only about 2,000

of these little
babies left, so...

a word to the wise.

Well?

Well, that's, uh...

It's beautiful, Woody.

It's a beautiful cow.

Yeah.

I'll say, and that's
not the best part of it.

It's also a great clock.

(click)

MALE VOICE: It's...

(imitating cow bellow): noon.

What, um...

What happens if
it's 7:00 o'clock?

Well,

a cow's power of speech
are kind of limited, you know.

Everything kind
of sounds like...

(imitates cow bellowing): noon.

How do you ever
know what time it is?

Well, it helps if
you wear a watch.

I think it's, um...

I think it's nice, Woody.

Really?

Yeah.

It's yours.

Oh, no, Woody.

I-I-I... I real... I couldn't.

Miss Howe,

I've been to your apartment.

Take the cow.

I know you fellows favor
a more formal atmosphere,

but allow me to charm you

with the quaint hospitality of

my friendly neighborhood tavern.

Excuse me, Frasier.

I have to go check my messages.

You got one from
Madame Tussauds.

"Get back to the museum."

Champagne for everyone, Sam.

Oh!

I'm trying to convince
my esteemed colleagues

to move their monthly meetings
to your fine establishment.

Oh, hey, thanks. That's great.

Uh, my, uh, gold card

should keep the, uh...
the bubbly flowing.

(laughs)

NORM: Cliffie, the
master has a thought.

CLIFF: Yes?

One might wonder
what would happen if, uh,

we called a certain
credit card company

and reported that
number as stolen.

Then when a
certain bartender tried

to put it through for
a certain customer,

and it wasn't honored,

what do you suppose
would happen?

I don't know.

Major fireworks.

Oh!

You're a genius!

Why do you put up with me?

I don't know.

Frasier, I have to leave.

There's been an emergency.

Is it Frederick? No, no.

Otto, my lab assistant,

has gotten into the
synthetic hormones again.

I have to bail him out.

Or her. I won't
know until I get there.

Oh, no!

Miss Howe, look what
I found in the trash!

It's your cow!

Oh, dear, how could
that have gotten in there?

Sam?

You told me to throw it away...

So, the paranoid says...

(laughing)

"Help! Help!

They're all out to get me!"

(laughing)

I guess you had
to be in the session.

Dr. Crane, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Oh, of course, Sam.
SAM: Got a little

problem here... I, uh,
called to get approval

on your credit card here,
and they told me it was stolen.

Well that's utterly
ludicrous, Sam.

Well, yeah, that's
what I told them,

but they-they insisted
that it is stolen.

Yes, I-I knocked
myself over the head

and stole my own credit card.

That's brilliant, Sam. Who
would ever suspect me?

SAM: I'm not kidding here.

You know, they're very
serious about their rules.

They told me that I
have to cut this up.

You wouldn't, Sam!

I don't want to, no!

Tell you what. Um,

why don't I, uh, run a tab, huh?

Well, I don't need a tab.

It's a perfectly good card!

Well, why don't I just, uh...?

This is on the house, all right?

Oh, fine! Now you're
adding insult to injury!

Well, I don't take charity!

Just give me back my card!

I can't give you back
the card, Frasier.

I've got to cut it up and send
the pieces back to the company.

(scoffs) You do
not have to do that.

Yes, I do!

They spent a half an hour

on just that fact at the
seminar at the Sheraton.

Sam, I am telling you,
you do not have to do that!

You weren't at the seminar.

If I don't do this,
they're gonna take

my little card thingy away.

Sam, I am not asking you.

I'm telling you! Give
me back my card!

Don't take that tone
of voice with me!

Frasier, can I help? I
have a card that works.

Oh shut up, you
Skinnerian baboon!

Sam, do not touch those
scissors to that card!

I got to do it, Frasier.

You do not! Yes, I...

(choking grunt)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I t-tell you what.

Here, take-take my credit cards.

Oh, fine!

With your $90 credit limit,

I can go hog-wild
at Monkey Ward's!

You have made me look the fool.

Yeah, I think you've taken care
of that all by yourself, Frasier!

Oh. So it's come
to this, has it?

After years of friendship,

you proudly pour a
tall cup of humiliation.

Well, I've had
enough, thank you.

This is good-bye.

You have seen and heard
the last of Frasier Crane.

From this moment forward,

I am never stepping
foot in this bar again!

I close the iron door upon you!

What do we do now, oh master?

Shut up and stop
calling me master.

Anyone hear from
Frasier since yesterday?

He'll be back,
don't worry about it.

I don't know, he left
here pretty angry.

I mean, I keep
calling the house,

and the machine
keeps picking up.

Oh, Lilith answers?

He's blowing off steam.

He'll be back.

Oh, I hope so.

Well... (clears throat)

I guess we really
messed up, huh?

We learned our lesson, Cliff.

We've got to stop messing
with people's minds.

Yeah, I agree.

By the way, your
fly's open, buddy.

Yeah, so's yours.

(both laughing)

You can't expect a guy to
go cold turkey, you know.

(laughing)

You checked, didn't you, Cliff?

Oh, yeah, like
you weren't looking

through the bottom
of that beer mug.

Miss Howe?

Last night the shopping channel

was a consumer bonanza,
and I took advantage of it.

Their loss is your gain.

First, I got you a
genuine gold-look bracelet

with 200 real sapphires.

Oh, Woody.

First of all, you have
to stop buying me gifts.

And second of all,

you have to learn
that sapphires are blue.

Okay, but you can't say
"no" to a new and improved

snackmaster and a portable
solar-powered telephone.

Woody, I cannot accept these.

People are going to
get the wrong idea.

What, that I have
a crush on you?

No, that I like crap.

You're calling
this stuff "crap"?

I'm sorry, Woody.

No, no, I was looking
for the right word.

Well, if you
don't like it either,

why do you keep
buying this stuff?

Not "stuff," Miss
Howe... "crap."

I buy it because it
looks good on TV.

The second they flash
that 800 number, I'm dialing.

Woody, this-this
has got to stop.

Well, it-it has
stopped, Miss Howe.

I went over my credit
limit with this... crap.

Unless, of course,
you'd care to advance me

six months on my paycheck.

Could be another
necklace in it for you.

An-And if you decide

not to give me the advance,

just keep the necklace
as your free gift.

Woody, you are hooked.

Listen to me, you need help.

I don't need help, I
just need more credit.

You're right, Miss
Howe, I do need help.

I'm scared.

Help me.

Hurry.

Act now.

Well, I just got in
touch with Frasier.

NORM: Oh, yeah, what'd he say?

Well, he said that he considers
these phone calls a harassment.

If I don't cease and desist,
he's gonna get a court order

restraining me from
coming within 50 feet of him.

Restraining order...

The last resort of shrinks
and housewives in nightgowns.

Come on, Cliffie.

We've gotta stop this
before it gets any further.

We've got to go to Frasier,
tell him exactly what happened.

Accept all blame, and
the sooner the better.

Yeah, you're right.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute. What?

I just thought of
something. What's that?

If we wait like a couple
of hours, it'll be dinnertime.

Might be able to
snag a free meal.

You are the master, oh salam.

Now, this is lovely.

The baby's with my mother,

and there's nothing to
disturb our peaceful Eden.

You're right, darling, nothing.

Except for the
burned-in image of Sam

cutting my gold card into
pieces before my very eyes.

You know, Frasier,

after listening to you
complain about that

for the umpteenth time,

it's becoming impossible
for me to sympathize.

(quietly): Of course not.

Sympathy is a human emotion.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling,
I'm just lashing out.

(quietly): Got off a
good one, though.

Frasier, you've got to
stop this cycle of negativity.

Come, let's try some
positive imagery.

You're back in Maui.

Feel the trade winds
caressing your cheeks,

ruffling your hair.

Smell the plumeria.

Taste the mai tai.

Feel the gentle swaying...

swaying of the ancient palms.

The rhythm... the rhythm...

the rhythm...

Are you there?

Yes, I'm there.

I'm in paradise.

And I'm paying for
the whole shebang

with my gold card.

Which was gladly accepted,
and returned in one piece,

by a man in a flowered sarong!

Frasier, get a grip.

Oh, you're right, you're right.

You know, Sam's done
me a favor actually.

Instead of spending the
night there in his sleazy saloon,

I'm... I'm at home
here with my love.

I'm going to serenade you.

Why, Frasier, you
haven't done that since...

Have you ever done that?

Well, I'm doing it now.

Remember this one, darling?

(plays gentle melody)

How could I forget?

♪ Autumn in New York... ♪
♪ Moonlight in Vermont... ♪

You sing it.

All right.

♪ Autumn in New York ♪

♪ What makes it
seem so exciting? ♪

♪ Autumn in New York ♪

♪ It spells the thrill
of first nighting... ♪

(music stops)

It was a lovely
honeymoon, wasn't it?

(voice breaks): I bought
this piano with my gold card.

I mean, yes, dear.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Hi, Lilith.

Cliff, Norm.

Frasier, it's Cliff and Norm.

Well, good night, gentlemen.

I've suddenly developed
a splitting migraine.

Norm. Cliff.

What a pleasure to see
my boon companions

here in my home.
Come in. Come in.

Yeah, well, Fras, look,
we don't want to interrupt

your dinner or
anything like that.

Oh, no, we finished hours ago.

Yeah, nice shortcut, Cliff.

I see that you left the butcher

of all things plastic
back in the bar

to come visit old Frasier.

Yeah, yeah.

Fras, uh...

just out of curiosity, what
did you have for dinner?

Uh, uh, let me guess.

Wait. (inhales sharply)

Ah, porterhouse steaks,

smothered with mushrooms,
green beans with sliced almonds,

some, uh, apple
brown Betty, and, uh...

decaf cappuccino.

(laughs) Ain't he something?

Actually, we had
Chinese brought in.

Guess it must be in my coat.

Here, come... come and sit down.

You know, I can't tell
you how special this is.

We never seem to get together
outside of that infernal bar.

Never get together just as pals.

Yeah, whatever.

Fras, you don't have
any Chinese left, do you?

No, sorry. Norm, Norm...

we come here to
talk about a topic

a lot more important than food.

Found an almond cookie.

If you're here to try to
patch up my relationship

with Mr. Malone, just forget it.

Give me half, will you, Cliff?

I tell you, I have seen

the last of that ex-jock
in a pompadour.

Frasier, you've got to let us
explain what happened here.

Fras, uh, you see,
sometimes guys...

do things, you
know, which they...

they think seem like...

a good idea at the time.

But they're really
not such a good idea.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is...

That... that Sam wants
me to come back to Cheers

so that he can get down on
his knees and apologize to me

in public and in person.

Yeah, that's even better.

Great, come on, let's go.

Sammy,

don't drop down on your
knees to beg for forgiveness

till he's all the way
through the door...

but look who's here.

Hey! You brought Frasier back.

See, now, if we can
just get them to erase

everything from their
memories from the last 36 hours,

we're home free.

I'm waiting, Sam.

Waiting for what?

Sammy, don't
torture your friend.

Frasier just swallowed his
pride to come back in here,

so get down on your knees
and beg him to forgive you

and then we can
start celebrating.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Sam.

NORM: That's
what we like to see.

Yeah, I bet you
nobody even remembers

what started the silly
argument in the first place.

I do... Sam cut
up his gold card.

That was funny.

Woody, come on, we're, uh...

you know, I apologized for that.

We're beyond that right now.

Is that it?

That is the sum total
of your contrition?

I mean, I know you're
not Walt Whitman, Sam,

but I mean, really a couple
more "uhs" and "you knows"

would at least lend
it a little creditability.

Well, you didn't let
me finish, Frasier.

I was going to
say that I'm sorry

that you were such
a big jerk yesterday

and that you're such
a big baby today.

Well, that tears it.

When I walk out this time,
believe me when I tell you

that I will never
brighten this door again.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Frasier, Frasier, wait a minute.

Before this thing
gets any further,

come on now, sit down, relax.

I think it's time
that both you guys

understand the truth.

Cliffie?

Well, Fras, see, yesterday, uh,

Normie and I, we
were feeling a little frisky

and as sort of a gag,
we, uh, made a phone call

and reported your
credit card stolen.

My God, Cliff, that is fraud!

You think you know a guy, Sam.

Damn it, Norm. Come on.

All right, all right, all right.

I may have, uh,

been in the vicinity
during that phone call.

I might have actually
dialed the number.

So it's your fault?

Sam, I owe you an apology.

No, no. I had no idea.

Boy.

You guys are really
stirring it up, aren't you?

Okay, fellas,

give me your credit
cards right now.

What? Aw...

Give me your credit cards.

You-you can't cut them up.

I'm not gonna cut them up.

NORM: Don't cut them up, Sam.

Woody, you're back in business.

Shop away.

NORM: Oh, no. All right.

Get the scissors and
cut them right now.