Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Two Faces of Norm - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hi, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.

I was at another
business seminar.

This one was all about
accentuating the positive

and all you can accomplish by
focusing on the good instead of the bad.

How was it?
The worst.

But you know, I like the idea

of positive reinforcement
in the workplace,

so I'm going to give it a shot.

Man, you got to be a real moron

to buy that load of crap.



Way to speak out, Carla.

Way to pour that beer, Woody!

Way to run up that tab, Norm.

Way to...

I, uh... I got a new haircut.

No...

My thumbnail grew back.

No...

But just give me a little time.

Wait!

I think I got it.

Nah, everybody's got a pulse.

Way to make a dork
out of yourself, Clavin.

Way to nail him, Carla!



♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Is Sam Malone here?

He'll be back in a minute.

Can I give him a message?

Well, I wanted to let him
know right away.

I got his test results back.

I'm afraid he has
serious blockage.

Oh, my god, his heart?

No, his fuel line.
I'm Sam's mechanic.

Oh, my god.
It's the corvette.

Why couldn't it
have been his heart?

Hi, guys.

Hey, gordo, buy you a beer?

Uh, Sam...

At the rate that
I'm saving the bucks,

Cheers is gonna be mine
again in a few short months.

And when I'm running this place,

things are going
to be different.

How?

I'll be running the place.

So, you've really been socking
it away, huh, Sammy?

Yeah, wish I had a nickel
for every dollar I've saved.

Just this week, by skipping
lunches, working overtime,

and having sex-only dates,

I've managed to save over $200.

This means you only owe me 130.

What, my retainer's all gone?

Well, I can't be too mad
at the guy.

He gave me a radiator
flush for my birthday.

Sammy, you're never going
to buy the bar back at this rate.

What can I do?
I'm tapped out.

By the time I pay for
gas and tune-ups

and Philippe the chamois boy...

Why don't you sell the car?

[GASPS]

It's just a car.

Honey...

Let me explain
something to you here.

We're not talking about
just a car.

We're talking about
Sammy's Vette.

The studmobile,
the babe-catcher.

You're right, you're right.

I mean, where would Sam
be without his crutch?

All those years, those women
weren't making love to you,

they were making love
to your car.

No, that's where you're wrong.

They were making love in my car.

Really?

Come on. Girls don't go out
with me just because of my car.

That's right.

All the women in
Boston are just lining up

to go out with Sam
Malone and his bus pass.

Hey! Forget you!

I don't need that car
to catch babes.

I could sell that car today
if I wanted to.

In fact, if I did, I'd have a
down payment on Cheers, here.

And pretty soon, I'd have
a roomful of babes.

And where there are babes,

there are guys buying drinks.

Before you'd know it,
I'd be rolling in dough.

Pretty soon, I might be
able to afford a corvette.

That's it.
I'm selling the sucker.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Hey, Mr. Peterson.
You got room for beer?

No, but I am willing to add on.

So, hey, Normie,

so how's business going?

Lousy, Cliffie.

I'm so damn busy painting,

I haven't had time to stop in
here and visit with my best friend.

I missed you, too, you big lug.

Actually, Cliffie,
I meant Mr. Beer.

So, the painting business
is that good, huh?

Too good, Woody.

Today I had to choose
between two really great jobs.

I couldn't make up my mind.

So what did you do?

Skipped them both.
Came in here.

I think I made the right choice.

Why don't you just
hire someone to help you?

Right, Norm.
Hire an assistant.

Yeah?
Look here.

All right. If you double
your work force,

and you divide total
man hours in half,

that's equals a 50%
work reduction for you

and profits will go up
proportionately.

Whoo!
Good idea, Woody.

Yeah, good one, woodman.

Thanks, guys.

What about my part?

What part was that?

The part where I took Woody's
vague, inane seed of an idea

and made it blossom.

Remember?

Shame on you, Rebecca.

Trying to bump Woody
out of the spotlight.

All Woody did was say get help.

I'm the one that made it work.

If you say so.

I did say so.

I don't know, Woody.

I mean,

how would I even get started?

Where can I find somebody
with the appropriate skills?

Look, if you really
need some help,

I could sure use the work.

I don't know, pal.

I never hired anybody before.

I feel kinda weird about it.

I wouldn't know what to ask you.

Well, while you're thinking,
about it, can I buy you a beer?

Welcome aboard.

Ugh.

Oh, there you are.

Well, I did it.

I put the corvette in the paper.

Pretty snappy, huh?

"For sale... corvette.
Meet chicks."

I like that.

Hey, Norm, I hear
business is good.

Yeah, I guess.

You guess?

Word is you hired 3 new people,

and you're shuttling
between two jobs.

It just goes to show you
what good business advice is

when it comes
from a professional.

Rebecca's still trying to take
credit for Woody's idea, huh?

It was my idea.

Oh, sure it was, Miss Howe.

You thought it up
all by yourself.

You were saying, Norm?

I just can't get used to bossing
people around, you know?

I can't seem to make my workers
do the things they're supposed to,

like increase their
productivity,

exceed their goals,

show up.

You're not letting your employees
take advantage of you, are you?

Yeah, maybe a little bit.

Yesterday afternoon, the
guys decided to knock off early

and just go bowling.

So what'd you do?

I broke 200.

Hey, all right!

Thank you. A personal
high. It was great.

Oh, Mr. P.
Tsk tsk tsk.

That's very irresponsible, Norm.

As the boss,

you have to show
these people an example.

Yeah, I guess you're
right, Woody, but...

I tell you, I cannot be one of
these hard-nosed bosses, OK?

I've had bosses like that.

I hate those guys.

Being in charge is not
a popularity contest.

You are not in business
to get people to like you.

Now, I don't get why you would
care what your employees think?

I don't care.
Obviously not.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

No. You already said it.

Don't just leave me dangling.

I mean, I do have
feelings, for god's sake.

I'm sorry.
We like you.

Really? Thank you, Carla!

It's not like I'm a total
washout as a boss.

I mean, yesterday afternoon,
for example,

after we went bowling,

I really laid down
the law with my guys.

I said if we're going to get
anywhere as a company,

we got to really buckle down.

But I think I may have to
lean on them a little bit harder.

How come?

That's them coming
out of the pool room.

Norm!

Hey, guys, look who it is.

How's it going,
Mr. 200?

Give these guys
a drink. Woody!

Hey, Norm, we gotta
go watch the secretaries

walk out of the
prudential building.

Wanna come?
It's windy.

All right!
Let's go!

We got Norm!
Let's go!

Hey, whoa, fellas.

Shouldn't we be over at
Shannon's, you know, painting?

I don't want to be a
slave driver or anything,

but I thought maybe we could get
around to that second coat today.

[LAUGHING]

No, I mean, we did get
the first coat, didn't we?

[LAUGHING]

Damn!

I cannot believe those guys

are going off to the
prudential building right now.

They're really a bunch of
goof-offs, aren't they?

I'll tell you, man,
everybody knows

the Hancock building
is panty hose heaven, man.

The wind whips right up...

Is there a Sam Malone here?

Yeah, speaking.

I'm Dennis Hamill.
I'm here about the Corvette.

Great. Dennis,
have a seat right there.

I can't wait to see it.

Whoa, slow down there.

First we have to learn
a little bit about you here.

About me?
Yeah. Yeah.

You see, matching a Corvette
with the right owner, Dennis,

is kinda like...

Finding a home for an animal.

Except an animal's
just an animal,

and we're talking
about a corvette.

OK, but I'm kind of
pressed for time.

I've got to
get to my hair stylist.

Good. Good.

Oh, very good, very good.

Hair stylist.

All right.

All right, this will be
pretty simple here.

Just a few
multiple-choice questions.

Great. Shoot.

Number one.

"It's high noon.

"You're driving
in Harvard Square.

"Parking's limited.

"Do you A: Park in
a handicapped zone,

"B: Park in a regular
spot under a tree,"

"C: Drive around till
a space opens up?"

"C."

What, are you nuts?

I can't believe it, man!

That's a trick question.

You don't drive this
baby at nigh noon, man!

Sun damage, bucko.

What the hell's wrong...

What do you want to do,
oxidize the paint?

Get out of here!
You make me sick!

I can't believe that!

He wants to drive my car at
high noon in Harvard Square.

Damn!
It's still busy.

How can those guys
be on the phone all day?

They're supposed to be painting.

You know, in the future,
telephones will be obsolete.

Yeah?
Absolutely right.

People will communicate
telekinetically

using part of their brain
known as the cerebral cortex

that is heretofore untapped.

May I?
Yeah.

It's been tapped now.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Cheers.

Oh, yeah. Hold on
it's for you.

Hello.

Rudy! Rudy, yes.

I've been trying to get a
hold of you all afternoon.

Look, man, I got...

You're kidding!

Well, that's great!

Hey, you guys!

My crew just won great
seats for the patriots game.

They've been on the phone
all day to WGAZ.

That's fantastic, Rudy!

But listen, Rudy, man,

not to randomly change
topics or anything,

but did you guys get
any work done today?

Uh-huh.

Well, I suppose that
area by the phone

needed about 8 or 9 coats.

Yeah, just keep it up.

I should have never
listened to Rebecca.

Let's face it, man.

I'm incapable of
bossing anybody around.

I wish I could hire somebody
else to be the damn tough guy.

Norm, your situation
puts me in mind

of a wonderful play
by Bertolt Brecht.

Yeah?

Yes, it's about
a poor put-upon woman,

who, similar to you,
is having trouble

dealing with the people that
are taking advantage of her.

What did she do?

Well, she developed a entirely
new and different personality

to handle these people.

It's set in the orient.

It's "The Good Woman
of Szechwan."

Hmm. Sounds good.

Oh, yes, it's one of
Brecht's masterpieces.

No, I mean, Chinese food.

I know a great place.
Phone book, Woody?

I don't know why I try to have

an intellectual conversation
with the two of you.

All you think about is...

Say, how's their
kung pao shrimp?

Norm, wait a minute.
What?

Before you order, I think you
should get your business in order.

Now, it's important that you
straighten out this employee deal

before it goes any further.

Don't you think, Woody?

If you say so, Woody.

I'll call the guys back.

Bertolt Brecht. Did he write
any plays about rib joints?

Hi, Rudy, Rudy, hi, it's Norm.

Listen, I'm afraid
I have some bad news

about your patriots
game plans this weekend.

Uh, I think you guys are
going to have to kind of work.

No, no, no, relax.
It's not me.

It's my new business partner.

Good, good. Now give the
guy a name. Make it authentic.

Uh, it's this guy,
a Mr. Kreitzer.

He has this crazy idea, man,

that you guys should,
I don't know, paint.

What?

He wants to talk to Kreitzer.

Help, Frasier.

No, no, no
you dug the hole, Norm.

Woody. Come on.
You're an actor.

Be Kreitzer.
Come on.

Where am I from?

Uh, Pittsburgh.

OK. Now, did I come from
a happy childhood?

And why am I on the phone
at this point in my life?

Just give me the phone.
Forget it. Forget it.

All right, this is Kreitzer.

Now listen up, you
bunch of gutless,

sniveling little wimps.

I don't care what Peterson said.

That lowlife does
not lay down the rules.

Hey! Hey! Any
more lip out of you,

and I'll rip your face off

and stick it up
your lunch bucket!

That was kind of fun.

Think maybe I ought
to call Vera, huh?

Where's Sam?

He'll be right back.

He just sold his Vette.

He's picking up his new car.

Oh, yeah? What did he
get? Turbo Z? Trans-Am?

A Volare.

Oh, poor Sam.

He just called from
the used car circus.

It must have been the
ringmaster's special.

Anyway, he was really a
little depressed about it,

so maybe we just
shouldn't mention it, all right?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, guys.

♪ Volare, oh oh ♪

hey, listen, you got something
to say to me, just say it.

♪ Cantare, oh oh oh oh ♪

hey, Rudy, Rudy.

Just relax, OK?

I'll tell you what.
Go ahead.

Take a 5-minute break for lunch.

For god's sake, you're hungry.

We all have to eat.
We're only human.

[CHUCKLES] OK?
I'll tell you what,

if Kreitzer asks,
I did not say anything.

I must say, this Kreitzer
stuff is going very, very well.

I told the guys they got to
work extra nights next week.

They didn't even say boo.
I love being Kreitzer.

I don't have to paint
anymore, right?

Business is booming.

I've hired a secretary.

I've rented us offices.

When you say us,
who do you mean?

Me and Kreitzer.

When you say Kreitzer,
who do you mean?

Me.

When you say me...

Frasier, don't worry about it.
I'm not going crazy.

It's just a front.

My office door actually
leads into an office.

But Kreitzer's door opens onto the
back alley where they keep the garbage.

Well, both offices are
furnished about the same.

Hey, Normie, how did you
think up that name Kreitzer?

You know, I've been meaning
to ask the same thing.

Was he a bully back in school?

A sadistic C.O.
back in the coast guard?

An authority figure who
used to torment you?

No, no, no, it's Vera's
maiden name.

Hey, Sam, is what I heard true?

You got a new Ferrari?

No, Volare.

Ooh.

Hey, Sammy is still Sammy.

Babes are still babes.

And I don't need a
fancy car to catch them.

As a matter of fact, when
I was pulling up here,

there were a couple of twins
that couldn't take their eyes off me.

Fellas, twins ahoy.

Hello, lovely ladies.
Can I help you?

Are you the man we just saw

getting out
of a Volare out front?

Little passion beige number?

Could be.
Could be.

My god, it was him!

And he admitted it!

I wonder who your
corvette's dating tonight.

I got to get my car back.

Hey, Norm!

Rudy!

Hey, Norm, we gotta
talk to Kreitzer.

We ain't taking this
crap anymore.

What's the matter, fellas?

Oh, man, it's everything.

We had to give up those
football tickets.

We have to work weekends.

Yeah, now he wants us
to work nights, too.

Yeah, and I'll tell you
something else,

the thing we hate most

is the way he's treating you.

Fellas, look, I'll
tell you what I'll do.

I'll give the guy a call, OK,

and I'll see if I can
get him to ease up

on the hours a little bit.

It's all I can do.

OK. Thanks, Norm.

You know, 'cause I'll
tell you something.

Just because we're out there
standing in that hot sun all day

breathing turpentine fumes,

you know, that doesn't
mean that we, uh...

Sheesh! Forgot what
I was going to say.

Heck! Doesn't matter.

Look, we'll see you later, Norm.

OK, come on, let's go.

You know, Norm, you
might bear in mind

that you could be pushing
these guys a bit too far.

Come on, Frasier. The key
to being a good executive

is knowing when to be firm
and when to be fair.

Uh, Norm?
Yeah?

The guys and I decided
you don't have a spine,

so we're just going to go
over to Kreitzer's office

and bash his skull in.

I'm dead.
I'm absolutely dead.

Norm, I think there's there's a
little lesson to be learned here.

You've allowed the evil
side of your nature to rise up

and has now threatened to
destroy everything you've built.

Let it go no farther.

The time has come to
reject your darker self.

Oh, thank you, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

All right, that's it.

I just got to go over there
and dump Kreitzer altogether.

I just hope I can
beat those guys over there.

My Volare's right outside.
I'll give you a lift.

I love you, Sammy.

Congratulations, Sam.

I see you finally
got yourself a date.

I got to get my car back.

Thank god.
Sammy, you made great time.

Whoa!

It's amazing how fast you can go

when you don't give
a damn what happens to your car.

Doris, hi.

Anybody been here
to see Mr. Kreitzer?

Oh, no.

Mr. Kreitzer left me
very specific instructions.

He is not to be disturbed
under any circumstances.

Great.

Mr. Kreitzer's
very demanding.

Doris, honey, hasn't it
ever struck you

that you've never seen the man?

All I know is,

this is the best job
I've ever had.

I mean, it's true Mr. Kreitzer chews
me out on the phone now and then...

But I deserve it.

Actually, I was hoping
you were Mr. Kreitzer.

Actually, uh, Doris, I'm
doing a little research here.

As a woman, would you
ever consider going out

with someone
who drives a Volare?

Are you kidding?

I drive one myself.

It used to be my mother's.

I got to get my car back.

All right, where is he?

Yeah, where's...

Calm down, fellas.

Yeah, just let me get
a couple minutes with him.

I'm sure he'll listen to reason.

He'll listen to reason
after I kill him a few times.

Mr. Kreitzer's given me very
specific instructions.

He's not to be disturbed
under any circumstances.

Doris, I take full
responsibility, OK?

But I have some instructions.

Just give me two minutes
with him, OK?

He will be mine.

I'm... I'm so very sorry, sir!

Peterson, you clumsy ox!

You just kicked over
a Macintosh-8000 CX!

Look, I'm really sorry, sir.

Sir, we have a big
problem on our hands.

The crew is just
ready to revolt, sir.

And I'll tell you,

I don't like the way you abuse
my guys with personal insults.

Your butt's too big!

Sir, that is just the kind of
stuff I'm talking about, OK?

All right, sir.

I'm going to have to quit,

and I'm taking my crew with me.

Peterson, you can't do that!

Oh, don't beg, Anton.
It doesn't become you.

Way to go, Norm.

NORM: All right, fellas.

Jeez, Norm, you had
no right to do that.

What?
Now you've really upset him.

What are you talking about?
We don't need him.

You can work for me!

Norm, look, no offense,

you're a nice guy,

but you're not boss material.

Hey, everybody knows
Mr. Kreitzer

was the brains
behind everything.

Can you call him later

and tell him we had
nothing to do with this?

Don't worry. I'll make sure
he gets a message.

Wait, wait, wait.

Fellas, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Hey! All right, fine.

Go ahead. Who needs you?

[SIGHS]

Thank you, Doris.

Sammy?
Yeah?

You think my butt's too big?

No.

Hello? This is
Anton Kreitzer!

I'm calling about
the corvette you bought

from a Mr. Sam Malone!

Yeah, well, give it back
right now!

No, no, don't hang up.
Don't hang up, please.

It's not Kreitzer, it's Sam.

I want my car back.
Please?

I'm having seller's remorse.

All right, listen,
I'll tell you what.

I'll pay you 500 more
than you bought it for.

All right, wait, wait, wait.

I'll pay you 1,000 more
than you bought it for.

Excuse me. Sam...

Can you hold on just
a second, please?

As a trained psychiatrist,

I'm well-versed in the art
of human persuasion.

I think I can handle
this for you.

Lilith, damn it, give Sam
his car back immediately!

There.

Probably getting tired of
those speeding tickets, anyway.

Hey, rude!

Look, I gotta talk
to you a minute.

Hey, I knew you guys
wouldn't let me down.

You ready to get back to work?

Slow down a second.
What?

All right, look...

A couple hours after you left,

I went back to the office.

Now I think you know
what I found.

Um, yeah, well, that...

And then I finally started
piecing it together.

Why I never saw Norm Peterson
or Mr. Kreitzer

in the same room
at the same time.

Or why you happened to be
in the office when we got there.

This whole thing
was a masquerade, wasn't it?

Yeah.

I can't believe we fell for it!

You know, all this time,
we thought you were

just a sweet, beer-guzzling lug
named Norm Peterson.

Well, the jig is
up, Kreitzer! What?

Oh, man, that's pretty slick

pretending to be a nice guy so
you could spy on us.

Wait a second, man,
you got it all wrong.

Oh, save it for the
stage, Anton! What?

Man, this is reality!

Huh?

All right, I am Kreitzer!

Do you wanna go back
to work for me?

Yeah, man, I'd love
working for a psycho.

Gosh, man, you're pathetic.

Wait a minute! Rudy,
Rudy, Rudy! Come on now!

I'm not Kreitzer,
I'm Norm Peterson.

I swear to god.
I can prove it to you.

Watch this.

Afternoon, everyone.

Anton! Anton! Anton!