Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 4 - How to Marry a Mailman - full transcript
Rebecca has the opportunity for some free cosmetic surgery. There is much discussion among the gang what she should do if anything. What she finally decides upon gets Sam thinking about it. Meanwhile, Maggie O'Keefe, Cliff's one time postal girlfriend in Canada, has left a message for Cliff, stating that she is stopping by Boston and needs to see him. Upon seeing each other, Cliff isn't disappointed as Maggie wants to "be his girl". However, he immediately becomes afflicted with what he calls hysterical blindness. This condition happened to him only one other time, that when he almost got into a romantic relationship in high school. Then, as soon as he and Wendy Beeman started going steady, he lost sight only when she was around. His sight became normalized after they broke up. Frasier easily deduces that this affliction is a psychosomatic reaction to commitment, for which he can't prescribe a quick fix. Cliff is hoping that someone, namely Sam, can at least help him with his first night together with Maggie. During Cliff's encounter with Maggie, he may come to some physical realizations about whether he and Maggie are meant to be together at this point in his life.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
I have a date with Miss Howe.
She'll be right out. Can
I get you something?
Yes, I'll have
a brandy... Louis XIII.
Anything for your friend?
No. He's driving.
Ahem! Excuse me,
Mr. Colcord?
How do you do, sir?
Remember me... Norm Peterson?
Of course. I never forget
a face. You never know
when a name and face
may be significant in life.
There you go. You
remember me... Cliff Clavin?
Excuse me?
We were wondering, sir, when
you were growing up back in England,
did you get
that American TV show
called the millionaire?
No, I'm sorry. I missed
that. But we did get Lucy.
Lucy! Now, there's a classic!
But getting back to this millionaire...
I loved Bilko.
Oh, yeah. "Hey,
Doberman, get in that Jeep!"
Anyway, this millionaire show is
is about a guy named
J. Beresford Tipton,
and, uh, he was
an incredibly nice guy.
He had tons of bucks.
He used to just pick
people at random
and give them a million dollars!
Really?
Yeah, tax free.
Isn't that something?
Right. The thing that I didn't
understand about that show
was he gave it away
to strangers.
It would've made
so much most sense to me,
and you'd probably
agree with me,
if he would've
come to people, say, in a bar
and said, "here you are...
Just have a million bucks."
Makes sense.
Yes, I could see how that
could be very rewarding.
Sure.
Sure it would.
I'm ready!
I don't have any cash.
I got it!
No. Cliff Clavin
will buy this one.
Clifford Clavin's got it, sir.
I've got a job, I'll pay for it.
Woody, how much I owe
you here for the man's drink?
75 bucks.
You got it.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪
What are you watching, Carla?
It's the end of
criminals at large.
I've been following this
story for weeks.
There's something
about it. It's so bizarre.
A lot of these stories
are that way.
Yeah, but this one's
really outrageous, Sam.
It's about this woman who
meets men, marries them,
steals everything they own,
and then kills them.
What part don't you understand?
For some reason,
they want to arrest her.
Not feeling at all bitter
toward the opposite sex,
are you, Carla?
No. Why?
What's with your head?
There was an incident
in our Lamaze class.
What happened?
Suffice it to say
that Lamaze class
is not the place to flirt.
The most wonderful thing
just happened to me
on the way over here.
And what is that?
I was in a car accident.
Oh, yeah. Nothing like
a little broken glass
and twisted metal to put
the spring back in your step.
No. This was actually
just a Fender-bender,
but the bender happens
to be a plastic surgeon.
Now, he doesn't want me to
report this to the insurance company,
so he said he will give me the
plastic surgery procedure of my choice.
Isn't that great?
Whoo!
He'll only do one thing?
Uh-huh.
Report the accident.
So, uh... What part
are we going to do?
I don't know yet.
He gave me this book to look
through and decide what I want done.
Miss Howe, I don't think
you'd look good with a honker that size.
Woody, that's the before.
Here's the after.
Well, that is smaller.
Now, what do they do
with the leftover nose bits?
Oh, man!
Ah, Woody!
That's just a little bit gross.
That's a good question.
I mean, they put pig
snouts in liver sausage.
Oh!
They do not!
Read the package.
Hey, Cliffie!
Hey, friends.
I just got a very
auspicious message
on this miracle
of modern technology.
I didn't know they made
8-track answering machines.
Seems I got this
message from Canada
from a certain
miss Margaret O'Keefe.
Who's Margaret O'Keefe?
She's a young woman
with whom Cliff had a
brief romantic encounter.
If you don't want to
tell me, just say so.
You don't have to
make things up.
I'm not gonna give you
any fancy build-up.
I'm gonna let you listen to
it just as I heard it.
You can judge for
yourselves. Now feel the heat.
Hi, Cliff.
I just want to let you know
I'll be in town tomorrow.
I hope you can make time
for me. I need to see you. Bye.
Heh? So, come on,
what do you think?
She's hungry for me.
I can hear that
little body trembling.
Cliffie, she didn't
really say anything there.
Didn't say anything?
"Make time, need
to see you, bye."
Huh?
Hey, Clavin, why
don't you wise up?
She's probably just coming
over here to dump you.
By the way, if I'm in the
back room when she comes,
would somebody call me?
Well, you know, uh, Carla,
I gave that possibility
some consideration.
I figured that if that dame wanted to
shove this lug in the dead-letter file,
she would've 86'd me with
a postcard and a 2-bit stamp.
Sam, is it me,
or is Mr. Clavin starting to
sound like Raymond Chandler?
No, mis amigos, I know
exactly what's going on
in that sexy little
egg-shaped head of hers.
She left me lo those
many months ago
to pursue a career.
That wasn't enough.
No sirree.
She wanted her man back.
Heck, you've seen
my bumper sticker...
"letter carriers
do it on foot."
Yeah, I have seen that. I always
wondered what the hell it meant.
Uh, I'm not sure. They
were giving them away free.
So, you and her are getting
pretty serious, huh?
You betcha.
You betcha.
Well, Cliff, that's
a pretty big step.
Outside of Margaret,
have you ever had
a serious relationship...
Or a date?
Yep, one time in high school...
Wendy Beaman.
Wendy Beaman.
What happened with Wendy?
I asked her to go steady.
She accepted.
Wouldn't you know it,
the very next day,
I come down with this darn
pesky little teenage problem.
Your face broke out?
No. Hysterical
blindness.
What? What did you say?
From the Latin...
Blindis hystericolis.
Meaning that you
couldn't see, or what?
I couldn't see
whenever she was around,
but once she wasn't there,
I could see fine.
So we got into a big
argument about it,
we broke up, and as soon
as she ran crying out of my life,
I could see clear as a bell.
Cliff?
Yeah.
Would you be interested
in taking part
in a university project?
Let me rephrase that.
Would you be interested
in being?
I really don't have
a lot of time for that now,
but thanks for asking.
You know, guys, I've been
telling you for a long time now
that like the proud bird on my
sleeve, I was a lone eagle. Yep.
Even the eagle's got to
mate once in his life.
Molts in the spring.
You know the female
lays one to three eggs?
Incubation period's
about 35 days.
Cliff!
Thank god!
Maggie-pants!
Oh, Cliff, I missed you so much.
I missed you, too.
Turn around, let me
have a look at you.
Oh, your back bacon
is makin' me achin'!
Cliff, I dreamed
of hearing you say that.
Sit down here.
It's so great to be
with you again.
I can't tell you
how hard these months
of separation have been.
The men up in Canada, well,
they just don't compare to you.
Ohh.
They're just pale, pathetic
imitations of you.
Boy, that must be one
butt-ugly country.
I finally couldn't
stand it anymore,
and I had to come back
and ask you something.
Well, what?
No, I can't.
This is crazy.
Come on, Maggie.
Tell me. What is it?
Well, Cliff...
Can I be your girl?
C-Can you be my girl?
Oh, no. I shouldn't have
been that forward.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, you betcha, hon.
Can you be my girl?
Hey, guys, did you hear that?
Cliff Clavin's got a girl!
Sammy, give me a bottle
of your best champagne!
You made me the
happiest man in the world!
Sorry, guys. You're
not gonna be seeing Cliff
around here very much anymore.
Maggie, you've made me
the happiest man in the world.
Boy, just think of that...
After all these years,
I got myself a steady girl.
I'm walking on air.
I'm high as a kite.
I'm blind as a mole.
Cliff, is something wrong
with your vision?
No. No, uh...
It's, uh, you know
what happened?
I think when I popped the
cork on the champagne,
a little bit of the mist
got into my eyes
and temporarily blinded me.
Oh, yeah.
That must be why
Sammy wears those protective
goggles all the time.
That's OK. I didn't want
champagne anyhow.
I just want to run out and
buy something soft and silky
to wear at your
apartment tonight.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Listen, why don't you
go buy me one, too?
OK.
Bye, honey.
Bye.
Oh, my god.
This is terrible.
It's like the Wendy Beaman
episode all over again.
You guys got to help me.
Oh, I can see shapes now.
I'm coming out of it.
OK, yeah, I can see
Carla's face clear as a bell.
What the heck,
as least I can see.
That's great.
Let me test your
depth perception
with these two fingers.
No. This is serious.
It certainly is.
Emotional crises can affect
our sensory perceptions
in devastating ways.
I've read volumes
on hysterical blindness,
loss of hearing, even
total loss of speech.
Clavin had to pick blindness.
Carla, you're not helping.
I'm not trying.
Now, Cliff, don't you think
there's a pattern here
that you should recognize?
Now, both your high school
incident and this current one
occurred at a time
when you were threatened
by a commitment
of a romantic nature.
Could it be that your fear
of commitment is so intense
that it manifests itself
in blindness?
Oh, jeez, doc, that's true.
You got to help me out here,
doc.
I got Margaret'
coming over tonight.
I can't go blind
in front of her.
She'll think
I'm some kind of a wacko.
You can't just wave a magic wand
and make it go away.
There's gotta be something
you can prescribe...
Ointments, drops,
leeches, something.
Cliff, there's just no
quick fix. I'm sorry.
There's got to be some way
somebody can help me
out through tonight.
Sammy, look, as a fellow
studmeister yourself,
maybe you can
come on over tonight,
help me just to get Margaret
in the apartment,
get the lights out,
then I can take over myself
and you can skedaddle.
How's that?
You got it.
Hey, thanks very much, Sammy.
After you leave,
my acute sense of touch
will take over.
He had to say it.
Now I'm gonna have
the willies for a week.
Well, I'm on my way to
the plastic surgeon,
but I don't know what to do.
Look, I need some input.
What do you think
I should have done?
Eyelids.
Tummy tuck.
Liposuction.
Age shows first there.
Miss Howe.
I'm getting tired of all
this plastic surgery talk.
Now, I know it may not
be popular,
but I'm going out on a limb
and say I don't think you
should change a thing.
You're a beautiful woman
and just about perfect
the way god made you.
Well, Woody, nobody's perfect.
There's got to be something.
Well, then your breasts.
Thank you, Woody.
No. Thank you.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[TV PLAYS]
[TURNS OFF TV]
Oh, boy, Sam, am I glad
you could make it.
Sorry I'm late.
I had a matinee.
Matinee?
It's almost 8:00.
Double feature.
What a guy.
How's your vision doing?
Oh, fine.
I can see fine.
Margaret's not here yet.
Corn?
No, thanks.
Hey, you look spiffy.
Oh, yeah, hey.
Feel the material here
in this clip-on.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They're doing incredible things
with synthetic fibers nowadays.
Tell me about it.
Sam, look at this.
Watch. You can't stain
this baby. Look.
Oh, no. Wow.
Look at that.
Beads right up.
That is cool.
Isn't that something?
Watch what happens
with picante sauce.
No, don't do that.
I'll take your word for it.
Well, look, Margaret's going
to be here any second now.
So why don't we just
go over the game plan, huh?
If I feel myself, you know,
sort of losing my vision,
I'll give a little petite tug
on the old tie, OK?
Tug the time, all right.
Then there'll be
a signal to lead me back
just in this area here.
We're gonna designate
the sofa as home base.
See, I spent the last few hours
walking around the
apartment blindfolded.
I know every nook
and cranny by heart.
Didn't you bang the
hell out of your shins?
The first 10 or 20 times,
but those nerves
are long dead now.
All right, what else do
I need to know, here?
The only other thing we got to
figure out is some kind of signal
to let you know when
it's time for you to leave.
Well... uh, how about
"Good Night, Sam"?
All right, yeah.
I'll go with that.
Now I just got to figure out
how to remember that.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oop. There's Margaret.
Can you still see?
Clear as a bell.
Clear as a bell.
I think now you're
on your home turf,
you're gonna be just fine.
I think so, too, Sammy.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Hiya, boyfriend.
It's your little ball and chain.
Oh, hi, Sam. I didn't
expect to see you.
Well, I just ca...
Uh...
I, uh...
Came over to, uh...
To borrow, uh...
Cliffie's tie.
What do you think?
It's too short, maybe?
Gee, I don't know.
Well, you know,
the... the... the best way...
The best way to find this out
is to see how it looks
when you're sitting down.
Why don't we go
check it out on the sofa.
You came all this
way to borrow a tie?
Uh... yeah.
The tie and, uh...
To have some of Cliffie's corn.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm famous for my corn.
Oh, would you like some?
Oh, I don't smoke, Cliff.
I bet you thought that
this was an ashtray. No.
It's a specially
designed corn server.
Here.
There you go.
Just try some.
You'll never have corn
any other way now.
No?
So...
Here we are.
Here we are.
Cliff, what do you
want to do tonight?
Well, I thought maybe, uh...
I don't know.
Maybe just show you
how I can walk around the apartment
without any help from anybody at all.
OK, Cliff.
OK.
Oh, look at this.
I must've dropped
a dime earlier.
Oh. Here.
Here it is.
Yep. 1973-s.
That's mine.
Oh, I got that, Cliffie.
I got that.
Um... ahem.
This is a really
comfortable sofa.
Yeah. It comes out
into a sofa bed.
Really?
I'd like to see that.
Good night, Sam.
I better fix this lamp
before I go.
Take it with you.
What?
That's what Sammy came over for.
For corn, a tie, and a lamp.
You ought to see
the way this guy lives.
He's something.
Well, good night.
I'll walk him to the door.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for the corn.
Are you going to be
able to handle this?
Oh, yeah, Sammy, I
don't have to tell you,
as one stud to another,
that when it comes to
sofa bed talk,
it's time for lights out.
There you go.
Wrong way.
Good night.
Sammy, one more thing.
Yeah.
There's...
Uh... the dress?
Oh, yeah. It's a
standard 22-inch zipper.
One, two, three seconds, Max.
Remember, it's an easy glide.
Don't jerk it.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night, Sammy.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Aah!
[SPLASH]
Cliff, are you all right?!
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
Hey, Cliffie, how
are the eyes, buddy?
They're fine as long
as she's not around.
Wh-wh-what happened?
It was a total disaster.
I went blind,
took a header off the balcony,
and fell in the pool.
OK. Pay up.
Falling in the pool
was 10-to-1 odds.
Suckers.
I'll be in the men's room
drying off.
There's no towels
in there, Mr. Clavin.
That's all right.
I'll just stand in front
of that whatchamacallit
that blows hot air.
You mean the automatic Clavin.
Is Cliff here?
He's in the bathroom drying off.
Thank god because
I was so worried about him.
Poor Cliff has been
through so much.
Sit right here.
I'll get you some coffee.
Margaret...
Uh, you should know
that Cliff is a troubled,
deeply disturbed,
and emotionally stunted person.
Now, I can say this
because I'm one of
his closest friends.
All right, Rebecca's back.
You decide what to have
the body and fender man fix?
I not only made the decision
by myself, thank you very much,
but I've already had
the surgery performed
on an outpatient basis.
Already?
Wow, they look great.
Woody, he didn't work
on my breasts.
Well, then, why are
they so much perkier?
Thank you, Woody.
No. Thank you.
So, uh, what did you do there?
Uh... let's just say
it was something personal.
Come on.
You can tell us.
It was nothing major,
it was just a little thing that I
wanted done for a long time.
No, you're right.
You shouldn't tell us.
That way we can let
our imaginations go wild.
Oh, guys...
OK, come on.
I had a little tattoo removed.
Ooh, you're kidding.
That's very hot. Whoa...
Wait a minute.
Where was it?
Inner, upper, outer, frontal...
It was on my lower back.
Oh, lower back.
It was just covering up
a big old ugly mole.
I had that removed, too.
Kind of wish she hadn't told us.
I mean, I was
imagining something
a hell of a lot better
than that.
Well, maybe she lied.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's go with that.
Cliff!
Oh, no. No.
No, wait, Cliff.
You don't have to run.
Sam explained everything.
Then you know why
I can't look at you?
Yes, I do. I know
all about high school
and Wendy Beaman and the
blindness and Miss Tennessee.
Miss Tennessee?
Yeah, I ran out of stuff on you,
so I threw in some
of my own highlights.
I... I feel so bad about this.
I... I rushed you
into a commitment
that you weren't ready to make.
I came down from Canada
without any warning,
never giving you a chance to
say no or even make up your mind.
I feel like this
is all my fault.
So I'm going back up north.
We can talk on the phone,
and in a few months,
if we still think
it's a good idea,
we know where to
find each other.
Good-bye, Cliff.
Hey, hey, Cliff, go
get her! Go get her!
Uh, Maggie...
Hold on!
Maggie!
I'm ready to make a commitment.
Hey... Maggie,
I can see.
Oh, really?
Honey, that's wonderful.
I, uh...
I want you to be my honey.
Well, then, I don't
want to wait any longer.
I'm going to rush
over to my hotel,
and I'm going to get my stuff,
and I'll meet you in an
hour at your apartment.
Hey, man, congratulations.
I am so proud of you.
I'll see you later.
Uh, there's one thing.
What's that?
I seem to be paralyzed
from the waist down.
a live studio audience.
I have a date with Miss Howe.
She'll be right out. Can
I get you something?
Yes, I'll have
a brandy... Louis XIII.
Anything for your friend?
No. He's driving.
Ahem! Excuse me,
Mr. Colcord?
How do you do, sir?
Remember me... Norm Peterson?
Of course. I never forget
a face. You never know
when a name and face
may be significant in life.
There you go. You
remember me... Cliff Clavin?
Excuse me?
We were wondering, sir, when
you were growing up back in England,
did you get
that American TV show
called the millionaire?
No, I'm sorry. I missed
that. But we did get Lucy.
Lucy! Now, there's a classic!
But getting back to this millionaire...
I loved Bilko.
Oh, yeah. "Hey,
Doberman, get in that Jeep!"
Anyway, this millionaire show is
is about a guy named
J. Beresford Tipton,
and, uh, he was
an incredibly nice guy.
He had tons of bucks.
He used to just pick
people at random
and give them a million dollars!
Really?
Yeah, tax free.
Isn't that something?
Right. The thing that I didn't
understand about that show
was he gave it away
to strangers.
It would've made
so much most sense to me,
and you'd probably
agree with me,
if he would've
come to people, say, in a bar
and said, "here you are...
Just have a million bucks."
Makes sense.
Yes, I could see how that
could be very rewarding.
Sure.
Sure it would.
I'm ready!
I don't have any cash.
I got it!
No. Cliff Clavin
will buy this one.
Clifford Clavin's got it, sir.
I've got a job, I'll pay for it.
Woody, how much I owe
you here for the man's drink?
75 bucks.
You got it.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪
What are you watching, Carla?
It's the end of
criminals at large.
I've been following this
story for weeks.
There's something
about it. It's so bizarre.
A lot of these stories
are that way.
Yeah, but this one's
really outrageous, Sam.
It's about this woman who
meets men, marries them,
steals everything they own,
and then kills them.
What part don't you understand?
For some reason,
they want to arrest her.
Not feeling at all bitter
toward the opposite sex,
are you, Carla?
No. Why?
What's with your head?
There was an incident
in our Lamaze class.
What happened?
Suffice it to say
that Lamaze class
is not the place to flirt.
The most wonderful thing
just happened to me
on the way over here.
And what is that?
I was in a car accident.
Oh, yeah. Nothing like
a little broken glass
and twisted metal to put
the spring back in your step.
No. This was actually
just a Fender-bender,
but the bender happens
to be a plastic surgeon.
Now, he doesn't want me to
report this to the insurance company,
so he said he will give me the
plastic surgery procedure of my choice.
Isn't that great?
Whoo!
He'll only do one thing?
Uh-huh.
Report the accident.
So, uh... What part
are we going to do?
I don't know yet.
He gave me this book to look
through and decide what I want done.
Miss Howe, I don't think
you'd look good with a honker that size.
Woody, that's the before.
Here's the after.
Well, that is smaller.
Now, what do they do
with the leftover nose bits?
Oh, man!
Ah, Woody!
That's just a little bit gross.
That's a good question.
I mean, they put pig
snouts in liver sausage.
Oh!
They do not!
Read the package.
Hey, Cliffie!
Hey, friends.
I just got a very
auspicious message
on this miracle
of modern technology.
I didn't know they made
8-track answering machines.
Seems I got this
message from Canada
from a certain
miss Margaret O'Keefe.
Who's Margaret O'Keefe?
She's a young woman
with whom Cliff had a
brief romantic encounter.
If you don't want to
tell me, just say so.
You don't have to
make things up.
I'm not gonna give you
any fancy build-up.
I'm gonna let you listen to
it just as I heard it.
You can judge for
yourselves. Now feel the heat.
Hi, Cliff.
I just want to let you know
I'll be in town tomorrow.
I hope you can make time
for me. I need to see you. Bye.
Heh? So, come on,
what do you think?
She's hungry for me.
I can hear that
little body trembling.
Cliffie, she didn't
really say anything there.
Didn't say anything?
"Make time, need
to see you, bye."
Huh?
Hey, Clavin, why
don't you wise up?
She's probably just coming
over here to dump you.
By the way, if I'm in the
back room when she comes,
would somebody call me?
Well, you know, uh, Carla,
I gave that possibility
some consideration.
I figured that if that dame wanted to
shove this lug in the dead-letter file,
she would've 86'd me with
a postcard and a 2-bit stamp.
Sam, is it me,
or is Mr. Clavin starting to
sound like Raymond Chandler?
No, mis amigos, I know
exactly what's going on
in that sexy little
egg-shaped head of hers.
She left me lo those
many months ago
to pursue a career.
That wasn't enough.
No sirree.
She wanted her man back.
Heck, you've seen
my bumper sticker...
"letter carriers
do it on foot."
Yeah, I have seen that. I always
wondered what the hell it meant.
Uh, I'm not sure. They
were giving them away free.
So, you and her are getting
pretty serious, huh?
You betcha.
You betcha.
Well, Cliff, that's
a pretty big step.
Outside of Margaret,
have you ever had
a serious relationship...
Or a date?
Yep, one time in high school...
Wendy Beaman.
Wendy Beaman.
What happened with Wendy?
I asked her to go steady.
She accepted.
Wouldn't you know it,
the very next day,
I come down with this darn
pesky little teenage problem.
Your face broke out?
No. Hysterical
blindness.
What? What did you say?
From the Latin...
Blindis hystericolis.
Meaning that you
couldn't see, or what?
I couldn't see
whenever she was around,
but once she wasn't there,
I could see fine.
So we got into a big
argument about it,
we broke up, and as soon
as she ran crying out of my life,
I could see clear as a bell.
Cliff?
Yeah.
Would you be interested
in taking part
in a university project?
Let me rephrase that.
Would you be interested
in being?
I really don't have
a lot of time for that now,
but thanks for asking.
You know, guys, I've been
telling you for a long time now
that like the proud bird on my
sleeve, I was a lone eagle. Yep.
Even the eagle's got to
mate once in his life.
Molts in the spring.
You know the female
lays one to three eggs?
Incubation period's
about 35 days.
Cliff!
Thank god!
Maggie-pants!
Oh, Cliff, I missed you so much.
I missed you, too.
Turn around, let me
have a look at you.
Oh, your back bacon
is makin' me achin'!
Cliff, I dreamed
of hearing you say that.
Sit down here.
It's so great to be
with you again.
I can't tell you
how hard these months
of separation have been.
The men up in Canada, well,
they just don't compare to you.
Ohh.
They're just pale, pathetic
imitations of you.
Boy, that must be one
butt-ugly country.
I finally couldn't
stand it anymore,
and I had to come back
and ask you something.
Well, what?
No, I can't.
This is crazy.
Come on, Maggie.
Tell me. What is it?
Well, Cliff...
Can I be your girl?
C-Can you be my girl?
Oh, no. I shouldn't have
been that forward.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, you betcha, hon.
Can you be my girl?
Hey, guys, did you hear that?
Cliff Clavin's got a girl!
Sammy, give me a bottle
of your best champagne!
You made me the
happiest man in the world!
Sorry, guys. You're
not gonna be seeing Cliff
around here very much anymore.
Maggie, you've made me
the happiest man in the world.
Boy, just think of that...
After all these years,
I got myself a steady girl.
I'm walking on air.
I'm high as a kite.
I'm blind as a mole.
Cliff, is something wrong
with your vision?
No. No, uh...
It's, uh, you know
what happened?
I think when I popped the
cork on the champagne,
a little bit of the mist
got into my eyes
and temporarily blinded me.
Oh, yeah.
That must be why
Sammy wears those protective
goggles all the time.
That's OK. I didn't want
champagne anyhow.
I just want to run out and
buy something soft and silky
to wear at your
apartment tonight.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Listen, why don't you
go buy me one, too?
OK.
Bye, honey.
Bye.
Oh, my god.
This is terrible.
It's like the Wendy Beaman
episode all over again.
You guys got to help me.
Oh, I can see shapes now.
I'm coming out of it.
OK, yeah, I can see
Carla's face clear as a bell.
What the heck,
as least I can see.
That's great.
Let me test your
depth perception
with these two fingers.
No. This is serious.
It certainly is.
Emotional crises can affect
our sensory perceptions
in devastating ways.
I've read volumes
on hysterical blindness,
loss of hearing, even
total loss of speech.
Clavin had to pick blindness.
Carla, you're not helping.
I'm not trying.
Now, Cliff, don't you think
there's a pattern here
that you should recognize?
Now, both your high school
incident and this current one
occurred at a time
when you were threatened
by a commitment
of a romantic nature.
Could it be that your fear
of commitment is so intense
that it manifests itself
in blindness?
Oh, jeez, doc, that's true.
You got to help me out here,
doc.
I got Margaret'
coming over tonight.
I can't go blind
in front of her.
She'll think
I'm some kind of a wacko.
You can't just wave a magic wand
and make it go away.
There's gotta be something
you can prescribe...
Ointments, drops,
leeches, something.
Cliff, there's just no
quick fix. I'm sorry.
There's got to be some way
somebody can help me
out through tonight.
Sammy, look, as a fellow
studmeister yourself,
maybe you can
come on over tonight,
help me just to get Margaret
in the apartment,
get the lights out,
then I can take over myself
and you can skedaddle.
How's that?
You got it.
Hey, thanks very much, Sammy.
After you leave,
my acute sense of touch
will take over.
He had to say it.
Now I'm gonna have
the willies for a week.
Well, I'm on my way to
the plastic surgeon,
but I don't know what to do.
Look, I need some input.
What do you think
I should have done?
Eyelids.
Tummy tuck.
Liposuction.
Age shows first there.
Miss Howe.
I'm getting tired of all
this plastic surgery talk.
Now, I know it may not
be popular,
but I'm going out on a limb
and say I don't think you
should change a thing.
You're a beautiful woman
and just about perfect
the way god made you.
Well, Woody, nobody's perfect.
There's got to be something.
Well, then your breasts.
Thank you, Woody.
No. Thank you.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[TV PLAYS]
[TURNS OFF TV]
Oh, boy, Sam, am I glad
you could make it.
Sorry I'm late.
I had a matinee.
Matinee?
It's almost 8:00.
Double feature.
What a guy.
How's your vision doing?
Oh, fine.
I can see fine.
Margaret's not here yet.
Corn?
No, thanks.
Hey, you look spiffy.
Oh, yeah, hey.
Feel the material here
in this clip-on.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They're doing incredible things
with synthetic fibers nowadays.
Tell me about it.
Sam, look at this.
Watch. You can't stain
this baby. Look.
Oh, no. Wow.
Look at that.
Beads right up.
That is cool.
Isn't that something?
Watch what happens
with picante sauce.
No, don't do that.
I'll take your word for it.
Well, look, Margaret's going
to be here any second now.
So why don't we just
go over the game plan, huh?
If I feel myself, you know,
sort of losing my vision,
I'll give a little petite tug
on the old tie, OK?
Tug the time, all right.
Then there'll be
a signal to lead me back
just in this area here.
We're gonna designate
the sofa as home base.
See, I spent the last few hours
walking around the
apartment blindfolded.
I know every nook
and cranny by heart.
Didn't you bang the
hell out of your shins?
The first 10 or 20 times,
but those nerves
are long dead now.
All right, what else do
I need to know, here?
The only other thing we got to
figure out is some kind of signal
to let you know when
it's time for you to leave.
Well... uh, how about
"Good Night, Sam"?
All right, yeah.
I'll go with that.
Now I just got to figure out
how to remember that.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oop. There's Margaret.
Can you still see?
Clear as a bell.
Clear as a bell.
I think now you're
on your home turf,
you're gonna be just fine.
I think so, too, Sammy.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Hiya, boyfriend.
It's your little ball and chain.
Oh, hi, Sam. I didn't
expect to see you.
Well, I just ca...
Uh...
I, uh...
Came over to, uh...
To borrow, uh...
Cliffie's tie.
What do you think?
It's too short, maybe?
Gee, I don't know.
Well, you know,
the... the... the best way...
The best way to find this out
is to see how it looks
when you're sitting down.
Why don't we go
check it out on the sofa.
You came all this
way to borrow a tie?
Uh... yeah.
The tie and, uh...
To have some of Cliffie's corn.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm famous for my corn.
Oh, would you like some?
Oh, I don't smoke, Cliff.
I bet you thought that
this was an ashtray. No.
It's a specially
designed corn server.
Here.
There you go.
Just try some.
You'll never have corn
any other way now.
No?
So...
Here we are.
Here we are.
Cliff, what do you
want to do tonight?
Well, I thought maybe, uh...
I don't know.
Maybe just show you
how I can walk around the apartment
without any help from anybody at all.
OK, Cliff.
OK.
Oh, look at this.
I must've dropped
a dime earlier.
Oh. Here.
Here it is.
Yep. 1973-s.
That's mine.
Oh, I got that, Cliffie.
I got that.
Um... ahem.
This is a really
comfortable sofa.
Yeah. It comes out
into a sofa bed.
Really?
I'd like to see that.
Good night, Sam.
I better fix this lamp
before I go.
Take it with you.
What?
That's what Sammy came over for.
For corn, a tie, and a lamp.
You ought to see
the way this guy lives.
He's something.
Well, good night.
I'll walk him to the door.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for the corn.
Are you going to be
able to handle this?
Oh, yeah, Sammy, I
don't have to tell you,
as one stud to another,
that when it comes to
sofa bed talk,
it's time for lights out.
There you go.
Wrong way.
Good night.
Sammy, one more thing.
Yeah.
There's...
Uh... the dress?
Oh, yeah. It's a
standard 22-inch zipper.
One, two, three seconds, Max.
Remember, it's an easy glide.
Don't jerk it.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night, Sammy.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Aah!
[SPLASH]
Cliff, are you all right?!
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
Hey, Cliffie, how
are the eyes, buddy?
They're fine as long
as she's not around.
Wh-wh-what happened?
It was a total disaster.
I went blind,
took a header off the balcony,
and fell in the pool.
OK. Pay up.
Falling in the pool
was 10-to-1 odds.
Suckers.
I'll be in the men's room
drying off.
There's no towels
in there, Mr. Clavin.
That's all right.
I'll just stand in front
of that whatchamacallit
that blows hot air.
You mean the automatic Clavin.
Is Cliff here?
He's in the bathroom drying off.
Thank god because
I was so worried about him.
Poor Cliff has been
through so much.
Sit right here.
I'll get you some coffee.
Margaret...
Uh, you should know
that Cliff is a troubled,
deeply disturbed,
and emotionally stunted person.
Now, I can say this
because I'm one of
his closest friends.
All right, Rebecca's back.
You decide what to have
the body and fender man fix?
I not only made the decision
by myself, thank you very much,
but I've already had
the surgery performed
on an outpatient basis.
Already?
Wow, they look great.
Woody, he didn't work
on my breasts.
Well, then, why are
they so much perkier?
Thank you, Woody.
No. Thank you.
So, uh, what did you do there?
Uh... let's just say
it was something personal.
Come on.
You can tell us.
It was nothing major,
it was just a little thing that I
wanted done for a long time.
No, you're right.
You shouldn't tell us.
That way we can let
our imaginations go wild.
Oh, guys...
OK, come on.
I had a little tattoo removed.
Ooh, you're kidding.
That's very hot. Whoa...
Wait a minute.
Where was it?
Inner, upper, outer, frontal...
It was on my lower back.
Oh, lower back.
It was just covering up
a big old ugly mole.
I had that removed, too.
Kind of wish she hadn't told us.
I mean, I was
imagining something
a hell of a lot better
than that.
Well, maybe she lied.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's go with that.
Cliff!
Oh, no. No.
No, wait, Cliff.
You don't have to run.
Sam explained everything.
Then you know why
I can't look at you?
Yes, I do. I know
all about high school
and Wendy Beaman and the
blindness and Miss Tennessee.
Miss Tennessee?
Yeah, I ran out of stuff on you,
so I threw in some
of my own highlights.
I... I feel so bad about this.
I... I rushed you
into a commitment
that you weren't ready to make.
I came down from Canada
without any warning,
never giving you a chance to
say no or even make up your mind.
I feel like this
is all my fault.
So I'm going back up north.
We can talk on the phone,
and in a few months,
if we still think
it's a good idea,
we know where to
find each other.
Good-bye, Cliff.
Hey, hey, Cliff, go
get her! Go get her!
Uh, Maggie...
Hold on!
Maggie!
I'm ready to make a commitment.
Hey... Maggie,
I can see.
Oh, really?
Honey, that's wonderful.
I, uh...
I want you to be my honey.
Well, then, I don't
want to wait any longer.
I'm going to rush
over to my hotel,
and I'm going to get my stuff,
and I'll meet you in an
hour at your apartment.
Hey, man, congratulations.
I am so proud of you.
I'll see you later.
Uh, there's one thing.
What's that?
I seem to be paralyzed
from the waist down.