Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 3 - A Bar Is Born - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

What are you doing here so late,
Doctor Crane?

Oh, I had to make a
midnight run.

Lilith's having another one of
her pregnancy cravings.

Not again. What was it
this time?

Oh, just butter and flour.

She wants to bake something?

No. That's what she was
eating when I left.

Balls of butter
and fistfuls of flour.

I had to get out of there.

Pregnancy really makes women
screwy, doesn't it?



It's amazing how their
little hormones

take over their entire body
for that period of time.

Tell me about it.
The other morning at 4:00,

I had to run clear across town

to this particular pizzeria to
get Lilith a deep-dish pizza,

four cheeses,

with sun-dried tomatoes,
prosciutto, and anchovies.

How far you have to go?

Out by the airport.

An hour's drive just
for a craving?

It's insane, isn't it?

Well, you're lucky
they were open.

Oh, they're open all night.

All night?



Ooh, I could use
an anchovy pizza.

It's a hell of a pie.

Sometimes you want to go

where everybody knows your name

and they're always glad you came

you want to be where you can see

our troubles are all the same

you wanna go

where everybody knows your name

My life is fabulous!

Keep it to yourself.

Oh, did I say something?

I must've been
thinking out loud.

Thinking out loud about
my fabulous life!

Does anybody know what...

Time it is?

Why ever do you ask?

Well, just because my rich new
sweetheart, Robin Colcord,

sent me this beautiful,

very expensive gold watch
from Zurich,

and I can't tell
what time it is.

Can you read this?

Yeah. It says, "this could feed
my family for a year."

Carla, don't be childish.

If anybody needs me, I'll be
skipping around in my office.

Say, uh, when's your rich
boyfriend coming back?

In about a week.

Oh, good. That'll give you time
to make up excuses

not to go to bed with him.

I want to go to bed with him.

I'm just waiting
for the right time.

Maybe that's why he
gave you the watch.

Don't worry, Rebecca.

There's nothing wrong
with making a guy wait.

It piques their interest.

I once made a guy wait

until we were both undressed.

And how do you know that

I haven't been
to bed with Robin?

Did Sam tell you that?

No.

I'm a woman.
A woman knows.

You know, I must say I'm with
Carla on this one.

There's nothing wrong with two
people getting to know each other

before they have
a physical relationship.

And how did you know?

Well, I'm a psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist knows.

What are you waiting for, Becky?

Hit the sheets already, kid.

Sam.

Pool players know.

I cannot believe
you told everyone.

Not having sex is a very private
thing between a man and a woman.

You don't see me going around

saying that Norm and Vera
didn't have sex last night.

OK, bad example.

The point is I don't want
you talking about me.

There's to be no more gossip
about my private life.

Sorry I'm late from lunch.

I made the mistake of mentioning
to my waitress that my boss

was dating Robin Colcord.

She wanted to know
if it was true

they haven't slept together.

You know, it is amazing
what happens

when you mention
that guy's name.

I mean, I had all these people
swarming around my table

asking me all kinds
of questions.

Do I know him very well?

Do I see him often?

Do I want soup or salad?

Yeah, it's tough
being a celebrity.

I used to get that all the time
when I was playing for the Sox.

It's a real pain.

Yeah, you're lucky, Sam.

Everyone forgot about you
a long time ago.

Last time I saw your
name in print

was two years ago in
a crossword puzzle.

"Name a former Red
Sox player in 15 letters."

And even then, I had a lot
of spaces left over.

I still wouldn't trade places
with poor old Robin.

Poor old Robin

happens to be one
of the richest,

most powerful men in the world.

Not to mention being
generally gorgeous.

Yeah, but he hasn't gotten
anywhere through Becca, has he?

You didn't get anywhere
with that babe, either.

I'm not one of the richest,
most powerful men in the world.

I'm just a lowly bartender.

What's his excuse?

Good point, Sammy.

I know why she's not
going to bed with that guy.

There's this little voice in
the back of her head

that keeps saying,

"wouldn't you really rather
drive a Sammy?"

Poor chump doesn't
stand a chance.

Yeah, but still Sammy,
it would be nice

to have Colcord's money,
wouldn't it?

Ah, so he's got bucks. I mean,
what's he doing?

All he does is hustle.

Me? I enjoy my life.

I live it my way
on my own terms.

And well, you should be Sam,
you know?

You may not be
wealthy and powerful,

but those who really know you,
respect you.

That's true.

Thank you very much.

How could we not?

You know, you've been
through adversities

that would've crushed
other lesser men.

Well, I don't know.

No, no, really. When I
think of the sorry state

your life's in now...

What do you... uh...

Yeah, maybe I'm not as young
as I used to be,

maybe I did blow all
my life savings

and maybe this job doesn't
pay that much

and maybe I don't have a family

or any future to
look forward to,

but at least...

What, Sam?

At least I'm happy.

And that's why we admire you.

You know, I think I speak for
everyone in the bar here

when I say that if it had
been any of us,

we would've blown
our brains out years ago.

That's very sweet of you guys.

I think the secret's not to
sweat the small stuff.

It takes a hell of a lot more
than that to get under my skin.

Sam, remember to fill up
all the pretzel bowls.

That does it!
I hate this life!

I don't mind that other stuff,

but I can't stand
the damn pretzels.

Well, things are going to
change around here, you know.

I'm going to change.

I'm going to be somebody.

Who can I be?

Sam, if you feel a need
for a new direction in life,

perhaps a career change
would be in order.

Well, for example...

Getting one.

Yeah... yeah that's not bad.

Except, all I've ever
enjoyed doing is

playing baseball and
running this bar.

I'm too old to play baseball,

and I don't own
this bar anymore.

So that's that.

Why don't you start another bar?

Where am I going to
get the money?

Well, I have some money
I'd like to invest.

I can't take your money,
Frasier.

Thank goodness.

I suddenly had an image

of Lilith coming after me
with a cleaver.

Sammy, why don't you
just get a loan?

I could do that,
but another bar's

not going to be
the same as Cheers.

Cheers wasn't Cheers
before you bought it, Sammy.

It was just boring,
run-of-the-mill beer hall.

How do you know?

I was here every night.

You made Cheers what it is, pal.

That's true.

I did, didn't I?

You damn right.

Yeah, I'm still Sammy.
I could do that again.

All right. Maybe this is what
I've been needing.

You know, a whole new chance
to start over again.

This kind of feels good.

It's amazing how when you
get a focus on your life,

everything just falls
into place.

I kind of feel like I'm...
A guy with a dream.

And nothing can stop
a guy with a dream.

Sam, make sure and put out
plenty of pork rinds.

So how much longer are you going
to be in Switzerland anyway?

Couldn't you just jet in
for the weekend?

I know, I know.
World peace.

OK.

Bye-bye.

Oh, I miss him so much.

Carla, Eddie's
gone all the time.

How do you handle it?

Well, when my Eddie's away
with the ice show,

I just picture him
having a great time.

Yeah?

You bet.

Carousing, drinking with the
boys,

carrying on with some floozy.

And I call him up in the middle
of the night and I curse at him

until he begs me to forgive him,

even though he probably didn't
do anything wrong to begin with.

And that helps?

I didn't say it helped.
It's just what I do.

Boys, boys.

Since it's closing time anyway,

what do you say, we go
do a little after-hours

at the future sight
of Sam's place.

You really found a place?

Was there ever any doubt?

Of course I did.

It needs a little work,
but, you know,

a little elbow grease.

I think it could be as
great as Cheers.

You want to go?

I'm kind of bushed, Sammy.

It's either that or go home.

All right, I'll drive.

You said I'd be
designated driver now.

No. I said you would be
designated driveler.

Where's everybody going?

Oh... boy...

This is a moment
I've been dreading here.

I'm just going to come out
and say this.

Rebecca, I'm giving two
weeks' notice.

I'm leaving Cheers to open up
my own place.

Please don't say anything.

Just...

Read that note.

"Dear Rebecca,
it's so hard to say goodbye.

"We've been through
a lot of ups and downs,

"but I've always considered
you more than a boss.

"You're really a special friend.

"Love, Sam.

"P.S. Be at my apartment
in two hours

naked and ready."

Come on, everybody.

Come on in here.
Watch your step.

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let there be light.

Let there be dark.

Come on, what do you think?

Don't you think this place
could be as fun as Cheers?

Sam, I don't think this
place could be

as fun as world war ii.

Listen, I know I can't afford
just to buy a place

you can move right into,

but look at the potential here.

Come on, use your imagination.

I'm using mine, Sam.

I'm imagining what's making
that little scuttling sound,

and it's scaring me.

Come on.
Wait, guys.

Sammy's right.

No place could look good
boarded up like this.

But what if we were to pull off
some of these...

Aah!

What is it, Norm?

I just want to wash my hand
for about 20 minutes.

Big deal!

What has everybody
got against maggots?

Sam, I got the slogan
for your bar.

"Sam's place.
It's alive with larvae."

I don't suppose you bothered to
check what was behind the larvae

go ahead.

Oh, wow.

It's a leaded glass window.

Yeah.

A big ol' nice one, too.

Yeah. They don't make them
like that anymore.

And if you look under this
ratty, old linoleum

you'll find the original
oak floor.

Come over here, you guys.
Look at this.

Huh?

Wow, marble. That's
a beauty, Sam.

Yeah, you bet. And all the
original brass fixtures

are around the back there.

I tell you, as soon as this
loan comes through,

I'm going to own one classy bar.

I get first pick
of the barstools.

This one right here.

That's the one you want?

You bet.

Yeah, I'll take...
I'll take this one.

Yeah.

Unless you want
to sit next to me.

You could move down.

But then I won't
get my first pick.

I won't tell anyone.

You're a real pal, Normy.

Look at you guys. You're
getting the hang of this.

Can't you just imagine

me and Woody behind the bar,

Carla waiting tables,

you two sitting at your places.

It's going to be just
as good as Cheers.

It's going to be better
than Cheers.

You're going to drive
up to the front door

and someone's going
to take your car.

No, we can't afford valet.

I know, but there's a couple
of neighborhood kids out there.

Doing it for free.

My car.

My car!

My car! My car!

Wait! Wait a minute!

Everybody, sit up straight.

Robin's back from Europe.

All right. He just called
from his car phone

to ask if he could
pop by for a minute.

Pop... isn't Robin adorable?

Well, he does have
haunting eyes.

Well, he does, doesn't he?

I think the important thing
is that Mr. Colcord

is going to find an
entirely new woman

from the one he saw 2 weeks ago.

A hungry woman.

A confident woman.

A woman who's willing
to give to her man

with total abandon.

I think I see him coming.

I'm not ready yet.

Geez. Women.

You can't live with them.

Pass the beer nuts.

Is Miss Howe in?

Yeah, she's in her office.

Mr. Colcord.
Excuse me.

You just returned
from Switzerland, right?

Yes.

You go over there and talk with
those Swiss people very often?

Every few months.

Listen, you think if I
gave you some money,

you could maybe pick up one of
those army knives for me?

There may be, um,
customs restrictions.

Forget it. I'll just go
to the drugstore.

Yeah.

You got to go figure
a rich guy like that

why is he putting up
with Rebecca

if she's not putting
out for him?

Maybe all the equipment's
not in working order.

There you go.
Oh.

Or maybe he's got so many other
babes on the side,

he just doesn't have
time for her.

Maybe he's a gentleman.

Woody, who the hell
brought you up?

Hey, boys.

You're looking at a scale model
of Sam's place.

You're still going through
with that thing, Sam?

Oh, yeah. The loan
came through today.

This thing's happening.

Even after Mr. Clavin's car got
stolen, stripped, and left across town?

That was just one
little incident.

A friend of mine down at city
hall says it serves me right

for parking my car in the worst
crime sector in Boston.

I don't believe it.

You were there.
You saw it.

No. That you
have a friend.

Come on, guys.
What do you think?

Doesn't this look great?

Lovely.

Well, that may be, Sam,

but, you know, there's an old
real estate maxim that says

the three most important things

in looking for a property

are location,
location, location.

That's just one thing.

That's the point, Woody.

What? That real estate
people are stupid?

No, that location is the one
most important thing

in real estate.

Then why do they say
it's three things?

Because real estate
people are stupid.

Aha.

Why am I talking to you guys?

You don't know anything
about bars.

I'm telling you, this is going to
be the best damn bar in Boston.

Uh, what's that?

Oh, Mr. Colcord.
Nothing.

I was just talking, that's all.

No. You seemed pretty excited
about something just now.

Sam wants to reopen
some stupid, disgusting,

run-down place
on the waterfront.

Small world. I own some
property down there.

Perhaps we'll be neighbors.

Really? You think this would be
a good place to open a business?

Well, I'd like to hear
your plans.

Well, great. Yeah, great.

Why don't we, uh, can
we use the office?

No.

It'll only be for a moment.

Did I say no?

I meant to say yes.

I very rarely ever say no.

Like tonight.
I'll be saying yes.

Yes, yes, yes!

I think this gives you a
pretty good idea of

what the place will look like.

Except, you know, bigger.

So, what you're
finally saying is,

you're going to reopen
the same business

in the same location where
it went belly-up just last year.

No. See, this is new.
This is completely different.

Now it's Sam's place.

What was it before?

Tim's place.

Sam, do you want
my honest opinion?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

This could work.

Yes!

By work, I mean, if you pour
every dime you've got into the place,

struggle, scrimp, and save

and somehow hang on through
the lean years,

you might begin
to show a tiny profit.

After that, living month by
month, year after year,

praying there's no recession,

you might actually
scrape a living...

A dismal, altruist
living out of it.

OK. OK.

So, um, what's the downside?

Sam, don't
short-change yourself.

Do you want just any bar
or do you want the best bar?

Look here.

I've always found that the
secret of success is

having a dream and then having
the courage to run after it.

Reach for the stars, Sam.

Astonish me.

Astonish yourself.

Yeah. All right.

Now, I get this.

You're saying that I should...

I shouldn't settle for
this crummy little place.

Exactly.

Yeah. I should, uh, buy
the whole block.

Keep talking.

Right, and I could tear it all
down and build a high-rise

with a great river view,

and apartments and condos,
and 24-hour doughnut shops,

and a real big, tall building
with "Sam's Place" on the top.

It'll be the best damn bar
on the east coast.

Beautiful, Sam.
Can you do it?

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

No, I can't.

No, you can't.

Come down to earth
for god's sake.

Sam, what you have got
to ask yourself is,

"what do
I really want?"

Well, I don't know what...

What I really...

I'll tell you what I want.

I want my beat up old desk back,

I want my sports stuff
back on the walls.

I want to get rid of those
creepy plants out there

and that stupid world map

of wherever the hell it is.

I want Cheers.

Then do it.

Oh, god.

I'd love to get Cheers back.

But I don't even think I can get
out of this crummy little deal.

See, I'd be happy to make
some phone calls for you.

I know quite a few
people around town.

That's my private number.

Well, this is great.

I don't know
if I can ever repay you.

Let's just say,
you owe me a favor.

All right. Yeah.

One favor. Any time.

Yeah.
Thanks very much.

Hey, guys.
Hey, listen to this.

I'm not going to buy
that stupid crummy bar.

Yeah!
All right!

I'm going to buy
this stupid crummy bar.

Yay!
Yeah!

Hey Rebecca, can I
work next shift?

I need the overtime.

Sam, look, I know what you're
trying to do here,

but forget it. It's going to
take you the rest of your life

to save enough money
to buy Cheers.

Hey, if Sam says he can do it,
he can do it.

We have faith in you, Sam.

Cheers is going to be yours.

I just hope I'm
still alive to see it.

Is Rebecca in?

Yeah. She's, uh,
in her office.

I'll have a brandy.

Say, uh, Mr. Colcord,

I just want to thank you

for getting me
out of that other deal.

Well, let's say you
owe me one, eh?

Right, right.

Actually, I had a thought about
that other idea we had

and I decided that might
be fun too

what idea was that?

You remember, the high-rise,
with the river view.

It turns out it's adjacent to
the property that I'm developing,

so I decided to buy the whole
block and give it a go.

But you said
that was impossible.

No, I said it was
impossible for you.

For me, it was two phone calls
and a handshake.

But that was my idea.

Was it?

So hard to recall.

The ideas were flying
so fast and furious in there.

Wait a minute.

Now, if I had bought
that property,

couldn't I have sold it to you
for a profit?

You wouldn't take advantage
of a friend, would you?

You talked me out of that place

just so you could
get it yourself.

I didn't talk you
out of anything.

I talked you into following
your heart.

You're a man with a dream, Sam.

I envy you.

But if it makes you
feel any better,

I'm willing to come
to an arrangement.

Oh, yeah?

Let's see... Yes, you no longer
owe me a favor.

Oh, uh, Robin.

I'm all set. Let me just
get my purse.

Darling, you're lovely.

I'll get miles to bring
the car around.

Oh. That's
for the drink.

So, Rebecca,

tonight's the big night.

Ha.

It's not going to happen.

I can feel it.

It's not going to happen.

I know that I'm going to
chicken out again.

Oh, Robin's going to be
so disappointed.

No. No, he won't.

He's already done
it to me today.