Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 26 - Cry Harder - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, Woody.

I'll have a nice, tall iced tea.

Yeah, just a second,
Dr. Crane.

I got to take a couple aspirin.

I got a splitting headache.

You know, there's
a school of thought

that suggests that
all physical pain...

Headache, earache,
stomachache, what have you...

A headache.
Pay attention.

Thank you.



Anyway, these people say
that those pains

are merely
physical manifestations

of some deeper trauma,

either psychological,
emotional, or spiritual.

See, suppose you just relax
and try to remember

the very thing you were thinking

when the headache first started.

Then we may be able to get
to the root of the problem.

All right. Well...

I was standing here
and I was thinking about

how when I was a little kid,

I was the only kid in my town

who didn't have a bicycle.

OK. Go on.



I mean, all the other kids
had one. Why not me?

Excellent...

And then I bent down real fast

to pick up a napkin...

[CLONK]
Ohh!

I hit my head again!

So what do you think
it is, Dr. Crane?

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Last week on Cheers...

Now, all we really know

is that Robin is using
my secret password

to break into my corporation's

confidential files.

And from the date on these,

well, it looks like he's
been doing it since...

Well, since the day after
we first slept together.

So all I think we can really
conclude from this is that...

I am too stupid to live!

Rebecca, my darling.

What are you doing?

I'm turning you in.
You used me.

And don't try to deny it,
because I've got proof.

Robin, I am a human being

and I deserve to be
treated like one.

And it's about time I stood
up and did what was right.

Good-bye, Robin.

Rebecca.

Will you marry me?

OK.

Whoa, whoa. Wait.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

But it's not Rebecca's fault.

It's not her.
It's Robin Colcord

who planned this whole
hostile takeover thing.

I mean, she called this
meeting to warn you.

It's not her fault.

Do you have any
evidence to back it up?

You bet I do.

You want evidence?
Look at this.

If this doesn't clear
Rebecca's good name,

I don't know what will, huh?

I mean, look at it.

Hey, Wood, you see the paper?

Nah. I don't read the paper
anymore. It's too depressing.

Many people feel
that way, Woody.

Yeah, I mean,
Lucy's always pulling

the football away
from Charlie Brown.

The lockhorns
are always fighting.

Henry still
doesn't have a mouth.

Woody, Woody.
Front page.

Look who got indicted
for insider trading.

Wow. That guy looks
exactly like Robin Colcord.

Whoa! He even has
the same name.

Hey, let's kid him about
it when he comes in.

Woody, this is obviously
the same Robin Colcord

that we all know.

Then it'll be even funnier.

Well, it's always good
to see justice done.

But I have to tell you,
I hate to think of

the poor man in prison.

Those wretched places are
filled with the worst degenerates,

the most worthless dirty
scum ever on this planet.

Frasier, why would you say that?

Well, I was a prison counselor.

You know, very often,
I was their only friend.

So, what do you suppose
will happen to Mr. Colcord?

Well, I suppose he'll get
the full measure of the law.

This country is sick and tired
of these of corporate raiders

that are plundering our economy.

The days of junk bonds and
Wall Street deals are behind us.

Although I do hear there's some
good penny stocks out there.

Say, you know, I think
I'll give my broker a call.

Good morning, everyone.

Well, Mr. Colcord,

what a surprise.

I hate to bring up
a sensitive subject,

but shouldn't you be
receiving love letters

from a certain one-eared
gentleman named Turk about now?

Excuse me? Oh, you're
referring to my arrest.

Robin is out on bail. And it
looks like he'll probably get off.

He has a clean record
and this is

his first offense, and I think

the judge will be
very lenient with him.

Well, I must run. I've got
a meeting with counsel

to discuss my defense strategy.

Can't let you be the
bride of a convict.

If he goes to jail, he'll
be the bride of a convict.

The social life of those
people is shocking.

Bye-bye, sweetie. Everything's
going to turn out fine.

That's the way we'll be
kissing on visiting day

for the next 20 years.

Thought you was so sure
he was getting off.

Are you kidding?
He'll fry.

The street lamps will dim.

Rebecca, they do not fry
people for insider trading.

What if they do, Norm?
What if they do?

I mean, I love that man, and I
am just about ready to lose him.

Have you ever thought
about what it would be like

to be without Vera for 20 years?

Oh, my God.

You see?
You'd miss Vera.

I thought you said beer.

Oh, hey, Rebecca.

There you are.

You heard they got him,
huh, Sam?

Yeah. Yeah, I really
feel terrible about that.

I want you to understand...

I don't know what happened.

I thought... I really feel
ashamed to say this...

But I thought that
you ratted on Robin.

But then I realized
you would never do

anything that indecent.

I know that no matter
how much you hate Robin,

you would never
jeopardize my happiness.

Boy, you know me better
than I know myself.

Well, I'm going to
go freshen up.

Every time I cry like this,
I get all red and swollen

and puffy and raw.

And that's just your ankles.

Poor kid. Just when it looks like
things are going to work out for her,

like she's going to finally
achieve her life's dream,

her heart gets broken,
and her whole life

is shattered yet again.

Yup. You can just about
set your watch by it.

Mr. Malone. Glad I
caught up with you.

The board of directors
is anxious to reward you

for saving our corporation.

Saving the corporation?

Uh, well, uh, thanks.

Why don't you just send
me a calendar or something?

Oh, no, no. Sam, you're
being much too modest.

We know you've been trying
to buy back this bar

for some time now,
and we've decided

that as a token
of our gratitude,

the least we can do is sell
it to you at a reduced price.

You're kidding.
How much?

$1.00.

Take it or leave it.

This bar?

I give you a dollar,
and this bar is mine?

That's right, Mr. Malone.
No catch.

I can't believe this.
This bar is mine.

All I have to do is give you...

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot!

Give me a dollar, huh?

I'm tapped out.

Anybody. Woody,
give me a dollar.

Ah. You already owe
me a dollar, Sam.

Come on.

Sam, I got a quarter.

Sammy, here's a dime.

Here's 4 bits.

Great. Great.

I, uh...

OK. I got
85 cents here.

I'll take it.

All right!

Hey, guys...

I low-balled him.

There's the title deed,
Mr. Malone.

I can't...

Sam, what's going on?

I just bought the bar back.

Sammy's got the bar back!

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

♪ Sammy's got the bar back ♪

shut up!

Some of us might be depressed.

Hey, Sam got
the bar back, Ms. Howe.

What?

Good-bye, Mr. Malone.

Yeah.
Thanks very much.

Well, it's the least we can do

for the man who gave us Colcord.

You turned Robin in!

You are a dead man, buddy!

You are a dead man!

♪ Sammy is a dead man ♪

♪ Sammy is a dead man ♪

♪ Sammy is a dead man ♪

♪ Sammy is a dead man ♪

My bar.

It's my bar.

My bar.

My glasses.

My tables.

[GASP]

My, my.

Sammy.

I am so proud of you.

Yeah!

Hey, hey. I know how
we should celebrate.

Why don't you just take me

right on top of the bar,

like you did in the old days.

I never did that.

Then who was that guy?

Oh! That was the
manager of the bar

where I worked before this.

Hey, can anybody give me
a ride to the broken spoke?

Hey, guys, guys.

Remember this?
Huh?

All right.
Yeah.

You've been gone
too long, big guy.

Somehow, everything feels
all right with this world tonight.

Yep. It's only been
a few hours, Cliffie,

but the air smells fresher,

the stool's a little
more comfortable,

and the beer tastes better.

OK, guys. Closing time. Beat it.

I don't know if I like
the new owner, though.

Come on, Norm, I'll
give you a ride.

Well, warmest
congratulations, Sam. You know,

it's always heartening to
see a man realize his dream.

It's especially poignant
when he realizes

such a pathetic dream.

Thanks, man.

I only joke with you,
Sam, because I love you.

I didn't know you were joking.

I didn't know I loved you.

Uh, fellas.

Fellas, you want to give Frasier

a ride home here?

I love you all, I...

It's all right for a
man to cry, you know.

You're sitting in the back

with the windows open, Frasier.

Sammy.
Yeah?

Woody and I are so happy

to be working for you again.

And we're not the only ones.

Hey, Dave!

I missed you, Sammy.

Yeah. I missed
you, too, Dave.

Actually, that was me, Sam.

Sam, uh...

I'd like to apologize

for my earlier outburst there.

I guess I just got
a little overemotional.

Dave.

Is that Dave?

Dave's back.
I love you, Dave.

Come on. You're
riding on the hood.

Hey, Sam, is it really all right

for a man to cry?

Absolutely not, man.

I didn't think so.

I'm leaving now.

Don't anybody look
at me or talk to me.

No, no. I can't let you
walk out like this.

Hey, wait, listen to me.

I only turned him in
because I thought

that they were going to
go after you.

You're right. I should listen
to your side of the story.

All right, all right.
It's about time.

Stop it.

Let go of me. I want
to get out of here.

I just took my stuff
from your office

and now I'm leaving.

Ms. Howe, you're
leaving for good?

I mean, I guess I should
have realized that you would,

but now that you actually are...

I'm going to miss you.

Don't those push pins
belong to the bar?

Woody, Woody, it's
all right, man.

Oh, now what... these index
cards and these staples.

Woody, she's upset.

She's taking all our stuff,
Sam. This is even our box.

Woody, shut up, will you?

Oh, this is my sweater!

Woody, shut up!
Come on!

You just take
your own damn stuff.

I don't want to be reminded
of this stupid place anyway.

Oh, wait, Ms. Howe.
This isn't my sweater.

But if you don't want it.

Come here.

Listen, I can't let
you walk out like this.

You got to forgive
me. Please.

All right.
I forgive you.

I wish you well.
Good-bye.

I hope you're happy
with your crummy bar

and your stupid friends
and your trampy waitress.

Good-bye, Carla. It was
nice working with you.

You, too.

I'd just like to say

that men have treated me
like dirt all my life.

So?

I just like to say that.

Keeps me humble.

Thank you.

Where are you going to go, hmm?

Wherever Robin is.

I'm starting a new
chapter in my life...

"the Mrs. Robin
Colcord years."

Good-bye, Sam.

Agent Munson, FBI.

Do any of you have any knowledge

of the whereabouts
of a Mr. Robin Colcord?

Why? What's
the matter?

We have reason to believe
he's jumped bail

and left the country.

Well, why would you think that?

Well, it seems he's
destroyed his personal files,

wired all his money
to Switzerland,

and flown his private jet
out of American airspace.

OK, Rebecca, now it's your turn.

Repeat after me:

"Men have treated me
like dirt all my life."

Oh, honey...

Don't "oh, honey" me.

I don't need
an "oh, honey."

This doesn't prove anything.

I think Robin's been framed.

Hey, Ms. Howe,
a fax just came in

for you
from Mr. Colcord.

So, have any of you seen Colcord

in the last 24 hours?

Look, I'm not
going to say a word.

You could tie me to a hard chair

and work me over
under hot lights all day.

We wouldn't do that.

Well, you could.

Especially him.

Oh, my God.

What's it say?

It says, um...

"Dear Rebecca,
good-bye forever. Robin."

What does that mean, Sam?

Well...

"Dear Rebecca..." that's you.

I know what it
means, but I mean,

what does it mean?

Does it mean that he left me

and you were right all along?

He was just using me?

I'm sorry, honey.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Anything we can do?

No.

You just go ahead and leave,

and I'll lock up.

I'm just going to,

you know, cry it out.

[CRYING]

So, how's Rebecca
doing this morning?

I don't know.
Let's go ask her.

[SQUEALING TEARFULLY]

She looks better.

What the hey, Cliffie.

She's a survivor, huh?

Shoot some stick?

Yeah.

Honey, you OK?

Yeah.

Uh...I'm...fine.

May I have another
glass of water?

I'm starting to dehydrate again.

You're going to have to
snap out of this, sweetheart.

Why? I don't have
anything to live for.

Oh, come on. You got
plenty to live for.

What do you think? You're the only
person who's ever been dumped?

Look at Sam.

He was in this
horrible relationship

with this woman for years,

and it ended up she
ditched him at the altar.

What did he do?

He took all his money,

he bought a boat, he sank it.

Then he had to grovel
around here for tips for 3 years.

But look at him now.
He got his bar back.

And all he had to do
was turn in your boyfriend.

[CRYING]

Aw, forget it, man.

There's no cheering her up.

Come on, sweetheart.

You're a beautiful,
bright woman.

You got a great career.

There's a letter,
for you, Ms. Howe.

Why don't you just go
ahead and read it, Woody?

It's probably just
another letter from Robin

telling me to get lost.

No. It's from
the corporation.

You're fired.

I'm fired!

I'm fired!

Oh, God!

God, they're blaming me

for this whole thing with Robin.

Actually, it says here they
never much cared for your work.

Don't...

What does this matter?

Listen, this is Sammy
talking to you.

As long as I got a bar,

you got a place to work.

No, I don't think I can go
back to managing this bar.

Oh, I wouldn't want you to.

No, I was thinking more
of you being a waitress.

A waitress?

Yeah. Carla
could train you.

Ha ha ha.

[CRYING]

Boy, you're right. There's
no cheering her up at all.

So, he asked me to marry him,

which obviously
meant nothing to him.

He hops on his jet and leaves me

here to rot.

Can I have my drink?

You know, you men are all alike.

So, where was I?

You were engaged to one of
the richest men in the world.

Could I just have my check?
Are you a man?

Sure.

Woody, I'm going to need
some more drinks.

What kind?

Doesn't make any difference.

Rebecca, can I speak to you

for a minute, please?

What is it, Sam?
Is it my break time?

I want to know why you're
driving everybody out of here.

Why are you attacking
all the men?

Because they are evil slime.

Oh, come on.

Not all men are evil slime.

Oh, yeah, sure,
you would defend them.

Carla, will you please
take over for Rebecca?

What's the matter
with that waitress?

She keeps throwing drinks
in people's faces.

Well, she's heartbroken.

Her boyfriend left her,

and she's feeling
a little bitter.

Here you go.

And what's her problem?

She's just mean.

Look, I know you are going
through a hard time here,

but there comes a point

when you have to face reality.

I do not have to listen to you.

Oh, would you cut that out!

Why? What are you
going to do, fire me?

No, wait, wait,
I got a better idea.

Tell me you love me,
ask me to marry you,

skip the country,
and then fire me.

Hey, stop it!
I am not Robin!

I am not doing
those things to you.

You know something?
I am sick

of getting kicked in the teeth

because someone else dumped you.

Well, I am sick
of getting dumped.

I'm sick of you getting dumped.

You know something?

You know what
I'm really sick of?

Your own face.

No! I'm sick of you...

I am sick of you
getting angry at me

when all I'm trying
to do is help you.

You can't help me.

I'm beyond help.

You can't help somebody
who's done everything wrong

since the day she was born.

Oh, stop it, will you?

What have I done right?

Well...

You got excellent
taste in clothes.

What, this old thing?

Well, yeah.

Everything else.

I've been wrong about men,

I've been wrong about my career.

You know, if I'd just done
everything the opposite

of the way I did it,

I probably would've
had a very happy life.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that I
really loved Robin.

And he ran off.

And the man I've been
pushing away all these years

is right here caring for me...

Giving me a shoulder to cry on.

God.

Life is so weird.

Sam, kiss me.

I think this is wrong, honey.

I said wrong is what I do best.

I just...

I just don't want us
to do anything here

that you're going
to regret, that's all.

Fine, fine.

Maybe you're right.

Oh, my go...

Is Rebecca in her office?

I thought you ditched her
and skipped the country.

I did, but I've come back.

I finally realized what
Rebecca means to me.

What use is my
money or my freedom

if I don't have
the woman I love?

Rebecca!

I'm back!

Oh, my God!