Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 2 - The Improbable Dream: Part 2 - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hail, fellow, I bring
ye joyful news.

Judging from the in utero
movements of our little child-to-be,

it would appear that the
birth of a Cranelet is imminent

give or take a month.

Feel that, dadders.
I think it was an elbow.

Hello, little elbow.

Wait, wait, wait.

You can actually feel
the little kid in there?

You don't mean to tell me that in the
myriad times Carla's been pregnant,

you've never felt
her babies move?



Hey, no guy touches my belly

unless he's paying for dinner.

Lilith, might the boys
have the privilege

of experiencing this divine
movement within you?

Oh, certainly.
Put your hands here.

There it is.
You feel that?

Nah, I didn't feel anything.

I think I heard him move.

No, that was
my stomach grumbling.

I haven't had a bite
since breakfast.

Hey, I think your
stomach just moved.

Guys, check this out,
you can really feel this.

Whoa! Feels like a big
wave in there, doesn't it?

Hey, now that felt
like an elbow.



♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪

SAM: Last week on "Cheers"...

If it ever, ever got out

that I have been having
sex dreams all week about Sam,

I could never, ever show
my face in this bar again.

Well, fear not. You have
confided in professionals.

Your trust is sacred.

Thank you.

I hate you for
being in my dreams!

I hate my dreams! I
hate myself for dreaming!

Smack yourself for a while.

So come on, tell the truth,

isn't this better
than waiting around

for some Mr. Wonderful to
come walking through the door?

Huh?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.

What?

Robin Colcord.

Yes, as a matter of fact I am.

Have I caught you at a bad time?

No, you caught me just in time.

Excuse me.

Hi, Sam Malone here.
Will you do me a favor

and come back in about an hour?

We're about to close
a very important deal here.

Oh, yes.
I beg your pardon.

No, no.
Please come in.

Sam and I can resume
negotiations momentarily.

Yes. I'll just take
a few minutes.

You know Robin Colcord...

Colcord Investment,

Colcord Foundation of the Arts,

Colcord Plaza on Fifth Avenue.

Small world. I used to date a
secretary who worked there.

Do you know a small
blonde named Angela?

I don't remember her last name.

I'm sorry. You'll have
to be more specific.

Looks great in black boots.

She sounds like one of ours.

Yes, anyway, Miss Howe, I'm here because
I've received several of your letters.

I don't believe they got to you.

I have a male secretary who likes
the pictures of yourself you enclosed,

and I appreciate
your business sense.

Really?

Yes, Howard was
especially enamored

of the shot of you in the
form-fitting business suit

licking an envelope.

No. I meant the business
sense part.

Oh, yes, regarding
my south end property.

I wouldn't mind having one
of those "licking" pictures.

Yes, it's quite tastefully done.

Oh, well, uh, never mind then.

Does grenadine stain?

Try soaking it in club soda.

Oh, no, oh, jeez,
it's in my hair.

I can't believe this.

Look at that!
It's in my hair.

I hate this.
I'll be right back.

I bet it gets all spiky.

By the way, Miss Howe,

I'm much obliged
for your suggestion

that I unload the
south end property

before the market
price bottomed out.

Thanks to you, I've started
to turn quite a nifty little profit.

You took my advice.

Actually, Miss Howe, no.

To sell when land
values are so depressed

might be considered insane,

so I've done just the opposite.

I'm developing the land

as an exclusive, urban complex.

It's quite similar to
something I've done

on the Upper West Side
of Manhattan.

May I use your desk?

Oh, please.

Well, you see, first,
we bulldoze the land...

Did I startle you?

Yes... but I like it.

Whoops, missed something.

Yes, well...

Thank you.

Now, here, we put our
championship golf course,

and here, here, and here...

High-rise condominiums

overlooking the
golf course and the...

Artificial lake.

Something has to serve
as an ice rink in the winter.

It's beautiful.

Just there, that spot of
perspiration where your hand was,

that's the performing
arts center.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mr. Colcord, it's time.

Oh, yes.
Thank you.

I do seem to have made
a little mess here.

Will you get someone
to clean this up?

In fact, I'd like to
buy you another one.

Oh, it's just an old blotter.

No, I meant the desk.

OK.

I'll see to it, sir.

Thank you.
Well, I want to thank you

for drawing my attention
to south end.

And I owe you dinner.

I love dinner.

Unfortunately at this moment

I'm heading off
to Beverly Hills.

I love Beverly Hills.

I realize this is a bit sudden...

But would you care to join me?

No, I didn't mean it like that.

I meant I love Beverly
Hills in general,

I didn't mean to whisk me
away on your private jet.

You do have a
private jet, don't you?

Oh, yes.

I wouldn't even know
what to wear

if someone took me to
dinner in Beverly Hills.

I have credit lines
up and down rodeo.

It would be
my pleasure to ask you.

That is, if you don't
mind shopping.

I love shopping.

This is great, Sammy.

What time you open tomorrow?

I'll bring my laundry, eh?

Believe it or not,

some people care
about their appearance.

I could take that as an insult

if I cared about my appearance.

I'm sure miles has
brought the car around.

He's sure miles has
brought the car around.

Well, that spot's better.

Anybody see if that
English guy left yet?

He just took off.

Oh, yeah?
All right.

Fellas, fellas, here we go.

Now remember, nobody
opens this door

even if you hear screaming.

Especially if you
hear screaming.

Rebecca.

Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Hey, woodpile, what
are you up to there?

I'm making a map
of all the places

Mr. Colcord's taken Miss
Howe over the past 3 days.

Every one of these beer nuts
represents a major city

on the west coast.

Of course it was more authentic

before Mr. Peterson
accidentally ate La Jolla.

Uh, here comes Sammy.

Hide the map.
I'll hide the cities.

Hey, Woody, what you got there?

Nothing. Nothing.

If you think it's some map

of all the fun places Miss
Howe's gone with that rich guy,

you're way off the beam.

Woody.

It was bound come out.

He'd smell the west
coast on your breath.

Guys, guys, guys.
Come on.

You can talk about Rebecca
having a good time all you want.

It's no skin off my nose.

Are you sure you aren't
still repressing just a bit?

All right, maybe a little bit.

I mean, it doesn't
seem fair, does it?

I spent three years
loosening the cap

on that peanut butter jar.

Now she's sticking to the
roof of somebody else's mouth.

Forget about it, Sammy,
she's yesterday's news.

Here comes today's edition.

Look at those headlines.

Oh, excuse me, fellas.

Whoa, they raised
that bar on me.

Got to admire the way
Sammy bounces back.

He's still repressing
his feelings, you know.

How come I can't repress mine
with a girl like that?

Hello, everybody.
I'm back.

Notice anything new?

Wow, that is fantastic.

Thank you.

When you're done out there,

can you sweep up behind the bar?

Carla, Carla, Carla.

Even your bitter
little east coast jokes

bounce right off my back today.

Robin's Colcord
has just shown me

the most fabulous
three days of my life.

You look great, Miss Howe.

Well, I should.

I spent all yesterday
having a complete makeover.

Feel. It's the skin
of the rich.

Wow. Makes a baby's butt
feel like sandpaper.

I know. I know.

I'm a beautiful, beautiful girl.

I feel so happy.

I feel like getting together

with my girlfriends and gabbing.

Carla, you want to gab?

No.
You have to.

I'm your boss, and
we're going to talk

about my new, rich boyfriend.

So what do you think of him?

Men are pigs.

Nice gabbing with you, Carla.

Hey, where's Sam?

I think he's in the pool room.

Did he seem upset about anything

while I was gone?

Oh, yeah, I don't know
when he'll get over it.

Hey, listen,
don't worry about it.

It's chalk dust.
It'll come off.

You sure?

Oh, yeah.

She's nice.

Well, hey, look who's back.

My god, you look fantastic.

I wanted to apologize

for running out on you
like I did.

Oh, yeah, that.

Well, that was kind of sudden,

but we all managed around here.

I just hope you had a good time.

No, I mean because you and I
were about ready to...

Oh, yeah.

Then we didn't.

That's nothing
to feel sorry for.

No, please, Sam,
accept my apology.

It was no big deal.

Please accept my apology.

For me.

All right, I will, for you.

Don't do it for me.
Do it for you.

I don't care.

Thank you for ruining
a perfectly wonderful day.

If it means that
much, then apologize.

I bet you'd love that.

How many do you
have to score with

before you understand just one?

Sam, I need to talk to you.

What's up?

Well, it's a personal thing

about my relationship
with Robin.

I haven't told anybody,

but I need somebody to talk to.

Oh, no. He's married, isn't he?

No.

Gay?
No, no, no.

Well, what is it?
You can tell me.

All right.

I think it has something
to do with this.

I hope that was a dream.

All of a sudden, she
reaches down to her neck,

and she peels off her face,

and there's Al there.

I woke up in a cold sweat.

So you never did
get to finish the dream?

No. I was awake
by then,

so I switched on
movies till dawn.

They were showing the
one with Buddy Hackett

and the ducks.

So of course I was up
the rest of the night then.

So, Sam, do you remember

anything else about the dream?

Man, it was the eeriest thing.

I mean, it was real, and
it was vivid, like real life.

Sammy, that's
a premonition dream.

That means it's
really going to happen.

Carla, that's an old wives tale.

I'm an old wife.

I know about these things.

Rebecca's going to tell
Sammy that something ain't right

between her and daddy-big-bucks.

Really? Wow.

Oh, please.

Well, now, Carla
may have a point there.

Excuse me while I was
blinking. Did we all just suddenly

time travel back to
the age of the druids?

I'm not saying
the dream was psychic.

But perhaps your
subconscious mind

has observed something subtle

between Rebecca and Robin
Colcord that disturbs you.

I know how
to find out right now.

Sammy, give me some of your
fingernail clippings.

I'll have Madame Mazora
burn them and inhale them

while she's in a trance.

Take Lilith along.

The three of you can gather
round the kettle and stir.

Well, doctor, with regards
to dream analysis,

what do your two less
years of schooling tell you?

Modern dream theory
suggests, Sam,

that dreams are not what what
they seem to be about at all,

but rather about
the dreamer himself.

You have not been dreaming

about Rebecca Howe
and Robin Colcord;

you've been dreaming
about Sam Malone.

[POOF]

Wait a minute.

Then why was it so scary?

Well, perhaps your dreams

are trying to tell you
about something

too frightening for waking life.

Like what?

Well, like you care.

You care about Rebecca.

Come on, Frasier, you know me.

How can I care about her?

We haven't done the
main thing I care about.

Forgive me, Sam.

I forgot about your
high moral standards.

You mean to say that you
can't care about a woman

unless you sleep with her first?

Well, yeah.

I got this kind of
caring mechanism

that only gets switched on

by a naked trip to the love zoo.

You're kidding.

Well, no, it doesn't
always get switched on.

Sometimes I go to bed
with a babe

and find out I don't care,

but by then, who cares?

Lovely.

Aw, come on, Lilith,
don't get me wrong.

If I do care,
I'm as loyal as a dog.

Dog would be
the right term, yes.

Care about
Rebecca. Ha.

Hey, Sam, you know,

Norm and I've been talking
here, and we come up

with a third possible
interpretation

of that dream.

Yeah? What's that?

You don't want
Rebecca, you want Al.

I think we can safely
rule that one out.

Amen.

Hey!

Sorry. Sorry.

Sammy, what's the matter
with you?

You almost hit cliff.

Sorry.

Yeah, if you just put
a little more top spin on it,

you'd have had him.

Carla, I think I care
about Rebecca.

Kill me right now, Sam.

Just drive this pool cue
right through my heart.

You know how many years
it's taken me

to get over that
horrible thing you had with...

Diane.

Shut up, please!

I beg you, don't
do this to me again!

I don't like it
anymore than you do,

but there it is.

It's all right, Sam.

It's going to be OK.

At least you've
taken the first step.

Admitting you have the problem

is half the cure.

What am I gonna do?

We'll move to Vegas,

and I'll be your love slave.

Don't worry.
I'll be OK.

You're not going
to mope, are you?

No, no. I'll be OK. I'll
get over it. I'll be fine.

Oh, the moper's anthem.

Look, Sammy, forget about her.

I mean, even if you
do... gag... care for her,

it's too late.

I know. I can't
compete with that guy.

He's the first man she's
gone to bed with in three years.

She's gonna think
he invented sex.

That's right.

Look, you've given it
your best shot.

Now just get on with life.

See, that's it. I haven't
really given it my best shot.

Yeah, I flirted with her

and I had her up against
the wall a couple of times,

but I never really walked up
and said, "Rebecca, I care."

Please, Sam, I just ate.

Maybe that's what
she's waiting for.

Maybe she's waiting for some guy

to come up
and say, "I care."

I could do that.
I think.

Yeah, I care.

I... I care.

How does that sound?

I don't know.
It was drowned out

by the sound
of my flesh crawling.

I tell you, that English
guy doesn't care for her.

I'll tell you that.

I mean, she's just
another fling to him.

But that's the advantage I have.

See, I can walk right
up to her and say...

Don't say it again!

Look, if you're going to do it,

just shut up and do it, OK,
get it over with!

If we're lucky,
she'll say buzz off,

and if by some remote
unlikely chance she cares back,

just don't even bother
to chalk it up,

put it right through my heart.

Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you.

OK. Yeah.
All right.

Men aren't pigs.

Pigs are smarter.

And this is Frank's design
for the Main Tower.

Oh, it's just beautiful.

And since I have
you to thank for it,

I have you to thank for it.

[GASPS]

It's the same building
on a necklace.

And all the windows
are diamonds.

And there are so many windows.

Oh.

Oh, you're welcome.

Now, I'll call you when
I get back from Zurich.

Will you miss me?

I'll fax you every day.

Hello, Sam.

I see the grenadine
came out nicely.

Actually this is a new shirt
that just looks like the old one.

Yes. That's
very clever.

Did you want something, Sam?

Uh...

Yes. I, uh... Oof!

There's something
I want to tell you.

I'm sorry I haven't
told you this sooner,

but I haven't realized
this myself until just now,

and if I don't tell you now,

I may miss the opportunity.

Sweetheart...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, Rebecca...

I just wanted to tell you

that I care for you
very, very deeply.

That guy.

Do you know how long I waited

to hear someone say that?

Oh, I'm sorry, Sam.

You wanted to say
something to me.

Yes, um...

We're out of beer nuts,

and I'm sorry that I
didn't tell you sooner.

If I had, maybe
we'd have beer nuts.

Oh, isn't he wonderful?

I didn't think men
like him still existed.

I mean, he can care
about a woman,

even when he hasn't gone to...

Gone to what?

Nothing.

You two haven't gone to...

Paris or Taiwan,
or any other place

where young lovers go.

You two haven't
gone to bed together.

We have, too, many, many times,

and it was fantastic.

We moved the earth.

Really.

His wooden leg
didn't bother you?

He has a wooden leg?

I knew it!
I knew!

I can't believe this,

you didn't go to bed together.

Why not? What's wrong?
Is he married?

No.

Is he gay?
No.

You're not going
to peel your face off?

I can't believe this.

Of course, I know why you
didn't go to bed with him.

Because every time you're
with Mr. Wonderful,

you're thinking, I should
really be with my dream man,

me.

Wrong! The timing
just wasn't right.

Yeah, because of me.

No, because of circumstance.

Circumstances named me.

Shut up.
Me.

Not you.
Not him.

All right, if you want to
know why, Mr. Smarty pants?

Isn't it funny how
whenever you think of me

the word "pants" pops
out of your mouth?

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

I did not go to bed with Robin
Colcord for a very good reason.

Me.

No, me!

Maybe because I haven't been
to bed with a man in so long

that I would probably be so
crummy that he would leave me!

And then I'll be stuck
right back where I was.

If memory serves me,

that would be with...
♪ me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

get out!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

What do you want now, bozo?

I've...

I'm sorry, Woody. I thought
you were somebody else.

I have a message for you, but
I'm not quite sure what it means.

What is it?

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me ♪