Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 15 - Finally!: Part 1 - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hello, everyone.

How's little
Dr. Crane?

Getting cuter every moment.

I have baby pictures.

Who wants to see them first?

Well, listen, fellas,

there's no need
to fight over these.

I mean, I got double prints.

All right, now...

Who do you think
he looks most like...



Me or Lilith?

Kind of hard to tell.

Well, here, let me
make it easier for you.

I just happen to have

newborn photos of
myself and his mother.

Gee, look at this.

3 days old

and Lilith already had
her hair back in a bun.

I think the kid
looks like his mom.

Yeah, I do, too.

And I mean that.
It's not just a shot.

I suppose that's only fair.

I mean, after all, she did
carry Frederick for nine months.

What will I do?



In my household, the hard part.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪

Uh-oh. Blonde at
2:00, blonde at 4:00,

blonde at 6:00.

What are you talking about?
She hasn't even moved.

I know. I'm just trying to
fit her into my schedule.

Here. Hold that,
will you?

Hello. Michele? Hi.
It's Sam Malone. Here.

Listen, sweetheart, I'm not
gonna be able to make it tonight.

Aw, I'm sorry.

But, hey, sweetheart,

you'll have another
birthday next year.

Hi there.

Can I take your order?

I'll have a glass of Chablis.

Terrific. What can I
get you for dinner?

You serve food here?

No.

Oh, Lord.

I'm really not interested.

Can I ask why?

You really want to know?

One Chablis coming up.

I already dialed, Sam.

Thank you, Woody.

Hey, Michele, good news.

I'd say, uh, got to
be little deuce coupe.

You're crazy.

What?

409.

Little cobra, little cobra.

Now what mindless subject

are you beating to
a slow, lingering death?

What's the best car?

No, no. What's
the best car song?

GTO.

You hear them lyrics,
boy, you're burning rubber!

Hey, everybody.

Robin is back in town,

and tonight he is mine.

So would you like to know

where we are going
and you're not?

My house?

Carl Yastrzemski's
testimonial dinner.

All the old Red Sox
all-stars are gonna be there.

Oh, boy, I would've
loved to have gone to that.

Well, hell, maybe I'll just
show up and surprise the guys.

I mean, why shouldn't I?

It's $1,000 a plate.

Give my best to Yaz.

Who cares about Yaz?

This could be the night.

I'm so excited to be alone
with Robin after the dinner.

Yeah? For 1,000 bucks a plate,

you should give it
to him during dinner.

I am the luckiest woman
in the world

to be dating such an
influential, rich man.

You still don't get it,
do you, Rebecca?

The measure of a man's
wealth is what he carries with him.

What he has in his soul.

So you wouldn't switch
places with Robin Colcord?

Are you kidding? I'd
switch places with his socks.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Mr. Colcord.

Listen, can I make a suggestion?

I know you're going to this
$1,000-a-plate dinner tonight

and I'm sure you're gonna
have a great time,

but, you know, they have
these entertainment books now

where you buy one dinner
and get the next free.

Woody, I'll take it
in my office.

It's for Sam, Miss Howe.

Sam?

Mr. Colcord?

Oh, you're kidding me.

Well, yeah.
It sounds great.

I'll see you then. Yeah.

You want to speak to Rebecca?

I don't blame you.

What was all that?

It seems that Robin would like
to chat with Carl Yastrzemski,

but since he knows jack
about baseball,

he decided to invite
old Mayday along

to come to dinner with you
so I can translate.

What? Sam,
and you accepted?

You know this is the first time

I've been alone with
Robin in a month.

I'm not gonna be
in your way, honey.

I'm gonna be to busy
hobnobbing with my buddies,

rubbing their noses in the fact

that I'm going around
with Robin Colcord.

Really stick it to them,

make them feel 2 feet high.

I miss those guys.

Man, you are going
to ruin everything.

What ruin? It's gonna save you from
having to come up with another excuse

not to go to bed with the guy.

What makes you think I'm not
gonna go to bed with the guy?

Honey, you see the sun come up

every morning for 30, 40 years,

after a while,
you start to trust it.

I bet Michele
will be really impressed

to find out she's spending
her birthday with Robin Colcord.

Robin Colcord?
I'd be impressed.

Woody.
You know the number.

Damn that Robin Colcord,

changing plans like that
at the last minute.

You know, just because that guy's
got a couple of buck in his pocket,

he thinks he can shuttle
people around like cattle.

Moo-ve along, bossy.
It's milking time.

Michele, sweetheart, listen, uh,

I hate to do this to you,

but I'm gonna have
to call it off again.

Well, maybe next weekend, huh?

OK. Bye-bye, honey.

Thanks.

Boy, you know, too bad
you and I didn't hit it off.

I just got invited to Carl
Yastrzemski's dinner

with Robin Colcord.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll be going over

in Robin Colcord's stretch limo.

Then, uh, Robin Colcord

will be treating us
to a $1,000 plate,

which we will be eating

sitting next to Robin Colcord.

And then, you know,

maybe we'll go out
for ice cream later

with Sam Malone.

Who's that?

A friend of Robin Colcord's.

Come on.
What do you say?

Well, I'm still not sure
I believe you,

but I'll take my chances.

All right, great. See
you back here at 7:30.

I'll be here.

All right.

It's ringing, Sam.

I don't need it
this time. Thanks, Woody.

Oh, hello. Michele?

Yeah, I just wanted to tell you

that Sam still can't make it.

Me?

Oh, I'm about 6 feet,
blond hair, early 20s.

A little party?

Sure. I love
birthday cake.

Is it OK if I bring
my girlfriend?

Hello?

It's a quarter
to 9:00. That's it.

I am out of here.

Come on, honey,
Colcord will be here.

Maybe he's confused.

You know, maybe he's
still on Swedish time.

What's that? You say you're
a member of the Nazi party?

Well, forget it, babe.
I draw the line.

Whew. Narrow escape, guys.
Did you see that?

Where is he?
Where in the hell is he?

You think you got a beef.

I just had to dump my
date for political reasons.

That guy leaves me for
4 or 5 weeks at a time,

then when I do have
a date with him,

he's an hour and a half late.

What, like there's no phones?
He can't give me call?

I'm getting sick of this. I
don't know why I put up with it.

Rebecca, don't you
remember? You're a gold-digger.

I'm tired of wasting my time
and cleavage on him.

Chop chop, everyone.
Let's go.

Excuse me?

Some of us were
ready to chop chop

1 1/2 hours ago.

Rebecca, you look lovely.

I looked lovelier
1 1/2 hours ago.

Well, darling,
we all age, you know.

Sam, you coming?

Actually I think I'm
gonna take a cab.

My date fell through
at the last minute,

and I feel a little awkward.

You know what they
say, 3 in a limo...

Well, actually,
there will be 4 of us.

That's including
my driver, miles.

Great. I'll look like I'm
dating the chauffeur.

Listen, I mean, I like miles...

Yes, well, he likes
you, too, Sam.

Then I'm definitely
taking a cab.

I'll meet you there.

Sam, I need you to
brief me in advance

about this baseball thing.

Now, look, I'll give you a
consultation fee of $1,000.

What kind of flowers do
you think miles would like?

All right.
Keystone sack.

Second base.

Hot corner.

Third base.

Dinger?

Home run.

Tater.

Home run.

He's good, isn't he?

Wonderful. We shouldn't go
anywhere without him...Ever.

Do I detect an attitude?

An attitude?

Listen, when we meet
Yastrzemski...

We all just call him Yaz.

Actually, Robin, this
is like my dream date.

I hope we spend
the rest of the night

talking about how
many taters Yaz has hit.

If something's bothering you,

we can discuss it later.

So how many taters did Yaz hit?

Oh, uh...

Later? Later? You mean,
like when we're alone?

I don't think that's...

Anyway, Rebecca,

if there's something
bothering you,

why don't you come
straight out and say it.

If you can't figure it out,
I'm really not gonna tell you.

Oh, God, that is so female.

Don't ever say that to a woman,

you big jerk!

Little shrew.

Shut up.

Fine.

I don't know the exact
number of taters Yaz hit.

But I know it was a lot.

Hey, you know what we need here?

We need a little champagne.

All right, I tell you, Robin,

baseball... it's
the greatest game.

You know, the only problem I see

is in the pension system.

Where's the security
for a marginal player?

Oh. Hey, this is
very nice champagne.

Yeah, nice and bubbly.

Not like the kind of stuff

we used to pour over Yaz's head

after he hit a
game-winning tater.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Sam, you're still here.

I feel like I shouldn't be.

Well, we'd appreciate that, Sam.

Miles, would you stop the car?

W-What are you doing?

Guys, come on.

This is kind of
a bad neighborhood.

There's no such thing
as a bad neighborhood.

It's just a pre-redevelopment.

Hey, is that car
on fire over there?

Oh!

Hey, wait.
Where's my coat?

What about my 1,000 bucks?

[BELLS RING]

[TRAIN HORN BLARES]

Oh, great. Just great.

As if they're gonna do anything.

[HORN BLARES]

[HORN BLARES]

[TRAIN BELL RINGING]

How was dinner last night?

I didn't actually
make it to the dinner.

Rebecca and Robin started
making out in the back of the limo,

so I offered to do
the gentlemanly thing.

What's that?

Let them dump me out
on the railroad tracks.

Oh, man, that
Colcord is a real jerk.

Yeah, he just pulled
over and let me out.

He stopped the car?

So what are you whining about?

They take off with my wallet
and my coat

and I'm out there in my tux
freezing my tail off.

I tell you, I'd still be there is it
weren't for those timely skinheads.

[AH-CHOO]

I think I got something.
Is my head hot?

No. What else
you got?

Norm:
So, uh, Sammy,

do you think they
did the, uh, deed?

Are you kidding me?

Rebecca?

I ended up with
a pant full of slush.

I guarantee I had a warmer
evening than Colcord did.

Hello, everyone.

It's such a beautiful day,

I thought I'd walk to work.

There you are, Sam.

I told you you'd
make it home fine.

You're a clever boy.

Come here.

What?

Come here.

What are you looking at?

Oh, my God.

You went to bed with him.

All right!

Whoo!
Hey, hey!

Hey, Woody, check the pool.

Anybody have this month?

All right, let's see.

Closest we got here
is August 1992.

Lilith Sternin Crane.

I'll take that.

Not a word to Lilith.

Oh, you wacky barflies.

So, was it good?

Oh, very good.

"Very good"...

Norm, Ken, David,
and Cliff's mom.

Just so you guys know,

I really don't care
if everybody knows.

Is it OK if we post the
results in the window?

Do you really think passersby
on the street would be interested?

Well, enough of them asked.

You really did it.
I can't believe it.

I never thought I'd see the day.

First the Berlin Wall,
and now this.

What was it, the champagne?

No, it was a double bacon
chili burger from Little Wally's.

Hey, now, wait a second.

He took you to Little
Wally's Pup 'n' Burger?

You know the place?

Know it? I plan
to be buried there.

Seriously.
I've bought myself a plot

right under the big
plastic Little Wally.

I've got to tell you
it was so wonderful.

First, I thought it was sort
of a low-down, dirty place.

Then I realized it was
a low-down, dirty place.

Little Wally
knows his clientele.

Yeah.
So you greased up.

Now, give us some details.

What can I tell you?

I told him the biggest
secret of my life.

What?

I told him about

you've lost that lovin' feeling

by the righteous brothers,

and what that song does to me.

You know what he did?

He called this
radio station he owns,

and he had them
play it all night.

I heard that. I thought
that was the long version.

Anyway, all I know

is it was the best evening

of my entire life.

Well, enjoy it while you can.

What is that supposed to mean?

Aw, honey, am I gonna have to
explain men and women to you

all over again?

If she doesn't want
to hear it, we do.

A guy like Colcord,

all you are to him is a
conquest and a challenge.

Now that he's had his fun,

you'll be lucky if you get
a hello and a doughnut.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

Can I help you?

Yeah, Rebecca Howe?

Me.

Rebecca, this is
from Robin Colcord.

♪ You never close
your eyes anymore... ♪

Oh, my gosh!

It's Bill Medley from
the Righteous Brothers.

I mean, I knew Robin knew him.

And I hoped that one day
I would meet him.

But I never knew he'd fly
him all the way to Boston

to sing this song to me.

It's Bill Medley.
Bill Medley!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Would you knock it off?

Somebody in the bar
might want to hear this.

♪ You've lost
that lovin' feelin'... ♪♪

Ahh.

Admit it, Sam.

He went to the expense of flying
one of the righteous brothers out here

just to sing her a song.
He's got to be serious.

It's petty cash
to a guy like Colcord.

I don't know. He's got
her out on a boat now.

What about that?

I know why. He's taking her
out there to dump her...

A quick burial at sea.

Trust me, she's probably
swimming back now,

a little wetter but wiser.

He did it.

He said it.

Those three little words.

"Walk the plank."

No, Sam.

I...

Love...

You.

Woody, does anybody
have "I love you"?

Closest we got here

is, "I'll respect you in
the morning"... Cliff Clavin.

I'm just so happy.

All I want to do is celebrate.

Come on, you guys,
you're my pals.

Come on, let's go have fun.

I don't know.
We're really kind of

settled in here for the evening.

Little Wally's Pup 'n' Burger.

I'm there.

Come on, Sammy.
It'll be a lot more fun

than that Red Sox dinner
would have been.

And it won't cost
$1,000 a plate.

Little Wally's
doesn't have plates.

They just serve
on those wax paper things.

You can scratch your
initials in with your fingernails

and if Little Wally's
in a good mood,

you can scratch
your initials in him.

Sam, come on.
Aren't you coming?

Ah, no. I better
watch the bar here.

But Carla's here,
and Woody's here.

Yeah, I know.
I should stay, though.

Somebody mixed some filberts

in with the walnuts,

and I have to straighten it out.

Sam?

Yeah.

What's the matter?
Something wrong?

Are you disappointed?

Why would I be disappointed?

I guess I kind of
thought you wanted me.

What would give you that idea?

I don't know. A guy
hits on you every day

for 3 or 4 years,

you kind of start to trust it.

All right. Yeah.
Maybe I am disappointed.

I thought we'd be cool together.

We'd go out for a while,
do stuff.

Ah, but what the hell, you know?

We'd probably end up not
liking each other's stuff.

You'd have to do
my stuff for a while

and I'd do your stuff,

and our stuff would get
all mixed up.

It saves us a lot
of aggravation.

Yeah.

I'm very happy for you.

Thanks.

Let's go eat.
OK.

Do me one favor,
though, will you?

Sure. What is it?

Go to bed with me.

Oh, Sam, you never stop.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's in my genes.

And that's where
it's going to stay.

Hey, where did everybody go?

Rebecca took some of
the guys out to dinner.

Oh, great. They're
all off at dinner

having a good time,
and I'm stuck here

with my Little Wally burger.

Oh, no. They screwed
my order up again.

Last time,
they forgot the tomato.

This time, they forgot
the tomato, lettuce,

hamburger, and the bun.

So what have I got?
Nothing.

Well, Rebecca knows
how to throw a party.

This has to be my
favorite restaurant

in the whole city.

Come on, I thought you said
the hungry heifer

was your favorite.

Sure, you got folks from
out of town or something,

you want to impress them,

you want to sit
down, maybe, yeah.

You just want to power
down animal fat,

then Wally's rules.

Well, all I know is I'm stuffed,

and I couldn't eat another bite.

I could use a little something
to settle the old stomach.

What are you
talking about there?

Go back to Cheers.

Care for that idea?

Sure. Sure.

How come I only got
to eat one burger?

'Cause you're the
designated driver.

Good night!

Bye. Thanks
for coming.

Oh, Sam. Isn't this
a beautiful night?

Yeah, especially love
the way the neon light

shows up that grease
stain on your blouse.

There is a grease stain.

I'm gonna leave it there

'cause it will remind me of
this place for the rest of my life.

That's stupid, isn't it?

I'm gonna go inside
and clean it off.

Sam, I know that this

probably looks
like some dive to you,

but tonight, to me,

it looks like the most
wonderful place in the world.

This is where I found out

that I was Robin Colcord's...

One and only.

I'll be right back.

Don't take too long.

I won't.

This place is nice?

Yes. I bring
a lot of people here.

Hi, Sam.

Hello.