Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 14 - What is... Cliff Clavin? - full transcript

"Cheers"is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Can I help you?

A beer, please.

Boy, you can't go home again.

You really know that's true

when you come back to a place
you haven't seen in 20 years.

Or when you lose your bus pass.

Two decades ago,
my job took me to Alaska.

This is the first time
I've been back to Cheers

since the sixties.
Really?

Ah, see those stairs?



They used to go down
the other side of that wall.

Huh.
Hmm.

And this floor, when I was here,

it was all ugly green tile.

Wow.

I guess everything
changes in 20 years.

They've even changed
the paneling. Where?

Over there behind Norm.

♪Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you like
to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪



♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Cheers.

Uh, just a second.

Sam, it's for you.
It's someone named Carmen.

Carmen, as in Carmenget it?

Just a second, I'll check.
Carmen, as in...

No, whoa, whoa.

Yo, Carmen.

Ho, ho, ho, hey,
slow down a second.

Let me get a word
in edgewise, honey.

No, I didn't...

Hung up on you?
She used to be.

Dang, man.

That's very weird. She wanted
to know why I stood her up.

You missed a date?

No, I didn't make one,

but she said
she spent the afternoon

waiting for me
at the roller rink

dressed in a black leather
miniskirt and French-cut panties.

Man, I wouldn't forget
something like that.

I'll remember it on my deathbed.

You know what,

I'm going to call her
and straighten this out.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God.

It's not there.

My little black book,
somebody took it.

All right, everybody freeze!

All right.

Don't anybody move here.

Just stay put.
Are you moving?

All right.

I'm going to lock the door here.

I'm going to turn off
the lights.

And whoever took
my little black book

will just put it
right back on the bar.

No questions asked.
Here we go.

OK. Woody?

Nope, it's not here, Sam.

Wait a second.
My watch is gone.

Oh.

Here it is on my right hand.

I took it off my left hand

so it wouldn't get wet when I
was washing the bar glasses.

Wood, don't you use both hands

when you wash the glasses?

Well, that's OK.
It's waterproof.

Hey, guys. Guess what.

"Jeopardy!"
is coming to town

for a one-time only
east coast appearance.

And I'm going to take
the test to be on the show.

Beer, Mr. Clavin?

What is a brewed
alcoholic beverage

consisting of barley and yeast?

Well, I don't know. Usually,
you just have a beer.

Sammy, any sign of
the book down there?

No.

Are you sure that,
you know, one of you guys

didn't like just pick it up
and browse through it?

I'm not going to be mad.
Come on, Sam.

Trusting the book with us?

That's like trusting the h-bomb

with a pack of spider monkeys.

You're going about
this thing all wrong, Sam.

Now let's just retrace your
steps starting in the morning.

There you go.

So this morning, I...

I took it out of the wall safe,

and I slipped it
into its waterproof pouch.

And I got dressed
and I came here.

Well, did you stop anywhere
on your way to work?

Yes! Oh, thank you!

Oh, God!

The laundromat.
That's where it is.

Oh, hey, Sam, if you're
going to the laundromat,

can you do something for me?

I don't have time
to do your laundry, Woody.

Well, no, if you see
a sock like this,

could you bring it back?
I'm missing two of them.

I did it.

Yeah, I aced that test.

Going to be on "jeopardy!"

[ALL CHEERING]

That's exciting, Clifford.

Yes, yes, it's
exciting, all right.

You know how people
go on the show "jeopardy!"

And they always tell
some little amusing anecdote?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I was just
standing over there thinking

that maybe it would be
good publicity for the bar

if you could come up with a
funny little blurb about Cheers.

Cliffie, I know, why don't
you tell them about the time

we got that really
bad keg of beer

and everyone got sick all
over the place, remember?

Yeah!

No, no, no, remember
that glow in the dark

men's room fungus?

Now how about the time you found
that dead possum on the steps?

At least I hope
that was a possum.

I hate to think
a rat could get that big.

Hi, guys.
Hey, Sam.

Any luck with the book?

No. Woody,

anything in the lost and found?

Well, all we got is...

An old umbrella,

a couple gloves
that don't match...

Oh, hey, my socks.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Cheers.

Annie.

As in Annietime he wants.

Whoa, hey, whoa,
no, wait a second.

I did not make a date with you.

What are you talk...

Hello?

I can't believe that...
twice in one day.

What's that, Sam?

Annie said I made a date
to have breakfast with her.

Spent two hours waiting
for me at the roller rink

in French cut panties
and a miniskirt.

I don't even have my black
book, so I can't call her back.

That's your answer, Sam.
There's some guy out there

with your book that's making
these dates in your name

and then not showing up.

Which means at this very moment,

there could be dozens
of gorgeous women

in French cut panties
and mini skirts

just hanging around
the roller rink,

and there's not one damn
thing we can do about it.

Can someone give me a ride?

My car's in the shop,
I swear to you.

Hey, are you guys going to
see Mr. Clavin play "Jeopardy!"?

I don't know, Wood.
I really can't decide.

So you go, cheer him on.

You know, it would help him

to have a friendly face
in the audience.

So are you going?

Well, I promised Lilith
I'd stay at home

and clean the dog's ears.

Well, I'm sure going.
Yeah?

I want to be there and see
when they say "this is Jeopardy!"

And that big ball comes out
and breaks into a million pieces

and swirls away. You know, it's
just like the sunrise in my hometown.

Woody, uh,

is there a big chemical
plant near Hanover?

Sure, it's right over
the landfill

right next to the reservoir.

How did you know?
Lucky guess.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Sam, I got a bunch
of messages for you.

Mostly girls screaming at you.

Oh, man.
This is sick.

The guy's going
through my list of babes.

I mean, first the As,
then the Bs,

he's worked his way
through the Gs.

I mean, where's he
going to strike next?

The Hs.

Hey, that's good work,
Dr. Crane.

You know, think like a criminal.

Or like somebody acquainted
with our alphabet.

All right, all right,
all right, Sammy.

Here's what we do...
We get to the girls

that he hasn't contacted
yet and we set a trap.

Oh, yeah, good idea.
Wait a minute.

Yeah, all right, girls' last
names that begin with "H."

Hi, Miss Howe.
Hi, Woody.

Oh.

Yeah. Say, uh...

Honey, I have a little
favor to ask you.

See, somebody out there
has got my little black book.

So?

So some guy is calling
all the girls in it

and saying he's Sam.

Right. And he sets
up dates with them

and has them put on sexy outfits

and I guess he spies on them.

It sounds like you, Sam.

No, but it's not bad.

Anyways...

We want to use you to help
us set a trap for this fiend.

Why would I want
to help Sam get back

his great big book of bimbos?

Because you're the next great
big bimbo he's going to call.

What? Why am I
in the list of women

you've gone to bed with?

They're not all women
that I've gone to bed with.

It's just the important
women in my life, you know?

I mean, the women I've gone
to bed with, my cleaning lady,

my mother, and you.

Of course, now that I've gone
to bed with my cleaning lady,

that just leaves them,
Mom, and you.

Come on.

No. Forget it.

Why don't you
give the guy a break?

Why should I?

Because if you don't,

I might have
to bring up that thing

I happen to know about.

What thing?

The very personal thing
I happened to overhear.

You know what I'm talking about.

That thing that
if it ever got out,

you won't be able to show
your face around here again.

What is it you want me to do?

Carla, that's amazing.

What have you got on her?

Nothing. I bluffed.
She crumbled.

And now from Boston,
this is "Jeopardy!"

Now entering the studio
are today's contestants...

A doctor and Chief
of Neurosurgery

at Boston General Hospital,
Milford Reynolds,

a lawyer and mother of six,

Agnes Borsic,

and a mailman, Cliff Clavin.

And now here is
the host of "Jeopardy!",

Alex Trebek.

Thank you, Johnny. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen. Hi, everyone.

And welcome to a very
special edition of "Jeopardy!"

Thank you, Alex.

You're welcome, Cliff.

This is the very first time
we have taken our program

out on location,
and what better place...

Is Cliffie wearing make-up?

Well, it's
a special day for him.

We have 3 new
contestants with us today.

One of them, at least, very
eager to show how bright he is,

so let's get right to it.
Players, good luck.

We're now going to play
the first round of "Jeopardy!"

And here are
the categories for you.

Civil servants,
stamps from around the world,

mothers and sons,

beer, bar trivia,

and finally...Celibacy.

This has got to be
Mr. Clavin's dream board.

Sure, he's home free

as long as he
doesn't get too cocky.

Cliff, could I get you to pick
a category and an amount.

Why don't you go ahead
and pick any one you want.

I mean, I am feeling
lucky today. Whoa!

Uh-oh.

OK, we're back in 30 seconds.

Can you believe it? Mr. Clavin's
going into final Jeopardy

with $22,000.

Yeah, and I'm really
depressed, too.

Why?

Ah, I know he's going to blow it

before I have a chance
to hit him up for a loan.

What, he's way ahead.
There's no way he can lose.

Well, you got to
have faith, Woody.

And 3...2...

Welcome back,
ladies and gentlemen.

Our final "Jeopardy!"
category is movies.

In a moment, contestants,
I'll give you the clue.

You'll then have 30 seconds
to write down your question.

Here we go.

Our final "Jeopardy!"
answer is...

"Archibald leach,

"Bernard Schwartz,

and Lucille Lesueur."

Good luck, players.

["JEOPARDY!"
THEME PLAYS]

Cliff, you're not looking over there to
see what Agnes is writing down, are you?

Oh, no, Alex, I wouldn't try
anything sleazy like that.

I was just admiring
the cut of her jacket.

Very shapely for a
mother of six, if I might say.

Thank you.
Ah, you're welcome.

Cliff, you got
about five seconds to go.

All right, all right.

Where's the make-up guy?

Mr. Clavin's starting
to look a little pasty.

You would, too, if you
bet everything you had

and didn't know the answer.

What makes you think
he doesn't know the answer?

Well, a lot of people
wouldn't have noticed, Woody,

but there's a little stream of
blood trickling down his chin

where he's bitten
through his lower lip.

Agnes, what did you put down?

"Who are Tony Curtis,
Cary Grant, and Lucille Ball?"

You're so very close, but
you're incorrect, unfortunately,

and that means
it's going to cost you...

$2,900. That takes
you down to $400.

And it takes us to Cliff.

Cliff, good news for you,

both of your opponents came up
with incorrect responses.

And what that means
is that even if you're wrong,

as long as you didn't
do anything foolish

like wager everything,
you're a cinch winner.

Well, then we don't have to see
my answer there, do we, Alex?

Listen, see you at the
tournament of champions.

Cliff, we're running
out of time.

And we are going
to have to take a look

at your response.

You wrote down,
"who are three people

who have never been
in my kitchen?"

No, I'm sorry.
That, too, is wrong.

The correct response is,
what were the real names

of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis,
and Joan Crawford?

Be that as it may, Alex,

those people have never
been in my kitchen.

Well, I'm sure they haven't,

but obviously that's not
what we were going for

when we wrote up that clue.
Obvious to who?

Cliff, it's all right,
you don't have to worry.

Unless you risked more
than $21,600,

you will be the new
"Jeopardy!" champion.

So let's take a look
and see what your wager was.

You bet "22,000 big ones"?

Which takes you down to zero.

You bet it all. Cliff, why would
you do something like that?

It's because I knew that those
people had never been in my kitchen.

You can ask them. Come
on, Tony Curtis is still alive.

Get him on the phone, go
ahead, I'll pay for the call.

Isn't going to work,
Cliff, sorry.

Agnes, $400 is not a big total,

but today it's enough to make
you the new "Jeopardy!" champion.

So congratulations.
No, she's not!

I'm the champion!

I answered all those questions!

You saw me, America!
Write in and tell them!

Come on, Wood, if
we sneak out right now,

nobody will know we're with him.

Tony Curtis,
if you're out there,

if you can hear me,

call in, and I'll split
the pot with you.

Ah, for crying out loud, look...

Any mail carriers out there?

Can I have another beer, please?

I don't see any money, Norm.

Yeah, yeah. I really should
go hit that bank machine,

I guess, but, um,

but I hope on the way out

I don't happen to just
inadvertently mention

that one thing that Carla and
I happen to know about you.

Shut up, Norm,
and drink your free beer.

This bluffing thing
is a gold mine.

Yeah, I've given you
a wonderful gift, my son.

You must use it for
good only, never for evil.

Free beer is good, right?

You learn fast, young Norm.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello. Who?

Oh, Sam.

Yeah, hold on just one second.

It's the guy with the book.
What shall I do?

Talk to him.
You know, pretend like

it's someone who would
go out with me.

OK, I'll try.

Hello? Hell... oh, yes,
I'm back. Silly me.

I was just talking into the
wrong end of the receiver.

Uh...

Oh, yes, I'm wearing a miniskirt

and my French-cut panties.

I'm just not a real good skater.

Listen, maybe you could
meet me someplace else.

Have you ever heard
of a bar called Cheers?

Uh-huh.

Good.

Well, then why don't you
come over here right now,

and please hurry!

It's... it's hot, and I don't
know how much longer

I can keep my clothes on.

That was really good.

You kind of turned me on.

A dial tone turns you on.

Hi, guys.

Guess you heard the story?

I guess everybody
knows by now, huh?

I'm nothing but a loser.

Oh, it's OK, Cliff.
We understand.

I can't believe
I lost on "Jeopardy!"

Oh, you were on Jeopardy?

All these years,

you know, coming off like
a big genius. Big know it all.

Ha. And that game has been
a big part of my life.

And because of
my greed, I went out

and desecrated that
glorious American tradition

known as "Jeopardy!"
I'm worthless. I'm no good.

Oh, come on, Cliff.

It's a game show, for God sakes.

And you blew $22,000.

What a Jonah. Can
you believe this guy?

Pitiful.

When this depraved sicko with
your book does come in here,

now how are we going
to recognize him?

I don't know. We'll...

Stop it.

Hey, mister, mister?

Have you seen a girl wearing
a black leather miniskirt?

Huh. Check
the roller rink.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You wouldn't happen to be
Sam Malone, would you?

Who wants to know?

As a matter of fact,

I do.

Wow, what a coincidence.
Well, see ya.

Whoa, whoa, sit down, will you?

Hey, fork it over.

Want to just slip that
right in there.

Thank you.

Excuse me a second.
I'm Rebecca Howe,

the one you called on the phone.

Now you seem like
a nice adolescent.

I have a question for you.

Why do you call up these
women and make dates with them

and then not show up?

Well, I wanted to date
them, but I'm just a kid.

And after all,

I was afraid they
wouldn't take me seriously.

Isn't he precious?

So how come you
showed up this time?

Well, I thought it
might be easier with her

since there's only
one star by her name.

What?

The first star's free.

You got to earn the rest.

What you just did was
very serious. It's not funny.

Sorry. It's just
that, well,

I've just always wanted
to be a Sam Malone.

Oh, yeah?

What, you want
to be a ball player?

No, I want to be a babe hound.

You play ball?

You know, you want
to be a babe hound,

you're going at this all wrong.

I am?
Yeah.

You don't start out
a full-blown babe hound.

You got to start out
as a babe pup.

Now...

There have got
to be girls your age

running around that school
that you can call. Huh?

I guess you're
right, Mr. Malone.

And, listen, I'm sorry I
didn't return your book

when I first found it, sir.

Oh, that's no problem.

Look, tell you what
I'm going to do here.

I'm going to give you $25.

Why don't you go off
and get a decent haircut, huh?

And don't forget.

Tip the shampoo girl.

Hey, thanks.

Yeah, fine.
Get out of here now.

[CHUCKLES]

Makes me feel kind of good

to turn a kid like that around.

Yep, you're a regular
Father Flanagan.

Well, you know what I always
say, there are no bad boys,

just boys with bad haircuts.

Hey.

Alex Trebek.
Hello.

Ah, I've seen you
on "Jeopardy!"

You're even cuter in person.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hey, can I ask you
a question? Sure.

Do all you popular game
show hosts know each other?

Oh, I see what
you're getting at.

The answer is, no, I don't know
Vanna White all that well.

Good. Then
you'll believe me

when I tell you that I'm
better than her in bed.

Will you excuse me?

Hey, I can turn over letters

you've never seen before.

Mr. Trebek.

Hello, Cliff. Hey,
listen, I'm very sorry

about what happened to you
on our program this afternoon.

Oh, so you'd admit you that

you were out of line by
telling me I was wrong?

Well, I wouldn't go
quite that far.

Fact is that a case could be
made for your point of view.

I think the problem for us was in
the way we phrased our answer.

It allowed for more
than one possible question.

Yeah, see, see? So you
got my 44,000 bucks?

[CHUCKLES] No, no, I don't.

Ah. Well, then you're
probably going to have me back

as a returning
contestant then, right?

No, we're not going
to do that, either.

I know this isn't
what you want to hear,

but believe me, we're as upset
about what happened as you are.

You know, it's a funny thing.

You spend years hosting a show,

and you get into
the habit of thinking

there's just one correct
question for every answer.

But life doesn't always
work out that way.

The world is much more complex.

And you discover that there are

many different ways
of looking at the universe.

Yeah, so what
are you going to do?

I think I'm going to quit my
job as host of "Jeopardy!"

Maybe spend a little time
in Tibet.

Aw, no. Alex, look.
Alex, sit down here.

I mean, you don't know
what you're saying.

Well, now, wait a minute, how
can I go on hosting the program

if I'm filled
with all these doubts?

All right, Alex.

Think about
what "Jeopardy!"

Means to America.

Now, it's more than
just a game show.

I mean, it... it's as much

a part of the national fabric

as the postal uniform that I
wear with pride every single day.

So you think I should
stay as the host of "Jeopardy!"

Absolutely.

And you won't bear me
any ill will if I do?

Oh, bite your tongue.

All right. It's settled.

I'm going to stay on
as the host of "Jeopardy!"

Oh, thank goodness, Alex.

Hey. Hey. Hey, you
hear that, everybody?

I saved "Jeopardy!"

I'm going to call Ma.

She'll get a big
kick out of this.

Alex.
Yeah.

That's all right.

You're a regular guy,

coming in here to
make Cliff feel better.

That's great.

I just came in here for a beer,
but I saw Cliff,

and I figured I'd better
say something,

so I made up that story
about quitting.

He scares me.

You, too, huh?