Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 4 - One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape - full transcript

Rebecca is still in a quandary over what to do about the marriage proposal from Martin Teal. In her own words, Martin, her boss, is a weaselly little twerp, but she doesn't want to jeopardize her career by saying no. She talks Sam into rekindling their fake relationship to the point of being in a fake engagement to throw Martin off her trail. Martin however makes a preemptive move by sending Sam down to Cancun on a bartender exchange for a month, Sam who is thrilled by this opportunity. While away, Sam thinks nothing about Cheers or Rebecca. When Sam misses the corporate jet back to Boston, Martin takes that as a sign that Sam has forgotten about Rebecca and his job in Boston. Once again, Martin hits on Rebecca. Rebecca manages to hold Martin off in the short term while she works on her supposed "grief". She heads down to Cancun herself to plead with Sam to come back. Will Sam give up his new carefree life to help Rebecca? If he does, he may take the ultimate advantage of her if given the chance.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

And we're on the
help line with...

Oh, me.

Me, hi.

Uh, hello?

My name is Reb...

punzel.

And uh, I'm sorry if I
sound a little bit nervous,

but this is the first time

I've ever called a
radio show for help.

But I have this problem,
and it's so horrendous



that I didn't have
anyplace else to turn.

Now, I have this
new boss at work,

and he's incredibly rich
and he's incredibly powerful,

but he is also sort of a, um...

Oh, God, how could I put
this without sounding mean?

Um... a weasely little twerp.

Anyway, this guy asked me out,

and to get out of
going out with him,

I told him that I was going
with this guy named Sam...

son.

So, Samson, who can be
an incredible jerk sometimes,

told my boss, the
twerp, that we broke up.

All right, so my boss...

The twerp.



Right.

My boss asked me out, and
you're not going to believe this.

He proposed to me.

I mean, the only thing
I could think of to do,

without jeopardizing my
career, was to tell my boss

that I was still in
love with Samson.

But I cannot keep
avoiding the guy.

As an example, he is upstairs
right now having lunch at Mel...

Monico's. Melmonico's.

The thing is, that
now I'm worried.

Do you think I
did the right thing?

I think so.

Now, did you have a
gardening question?

You called the
Dr. Green Thumb Show.

Uh, just a reminder, Rapunzel.

Plant your bulbs early.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Oh, yeah, I know,
Norm, that's a...

that's a beautiful birdie
you got there on the ninth.

Thank you.

Oh, so you guys were
playing golf today, huh?

Yeah, nothing like bashing
the old pill around, huh?

Young Woody
Nicklaus here broke 80.

All right; good
man. Hey, really?

You shot under 80 for 18 holes?

Well, no actually, it was 17.

Yeah, the 18th
hole is the windmill.

If you're stupid
enough to play that one,

it's going to eat
your little colored ball.

You were playing miniature golf.

Oh, yeah.

Do you have any idea

how long those real
golf courses are?

Gentlemen,

that was a pretty poor
showing for a power lunch.

Ralph, you're going to have
to start doing something more

than just taking up
space at these meetings.

How does a guy so young

get to be so
incredibly powerful?

I just try to maintain
a cheerful attitude

and not abuse my position.

I recently read a Forbes
profile on our young Mr. Teal.

Oh, yeah?

Apparently, he started
with his father's firm,

kicked the old guy
out when he was 17,

hasn't looked back
since. Big deal.

Did he ever win a purple ribbon

in the Jefferson
County Spelldown?

Anathema.

A-N-A-T-H-E-M-A.

Anathema.

Touché, Woody.

Touché. T-O-U-C-H-E,

and a little slanty
line... Touché.

Excuse me.

Is Miss Howe in?

She's in her office; do
you want me to go get her?

No, don't bother. Dennis?

Miss Howe?

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

The master of the universe

awaits your presence.

Dennis, I-I sense bitterness.

I've never heard you
talk like this before.

Oh, I could tell
you stories, honey.

Here she is, sir,

per your request.

So, how's the greatest love
story ever told working out?

Sam and I are just
as steady as ever.

As steady as yesterday
when you broke up twice?

Things are different.

Uh... It's... it's more serious.

I won't consider
it really serious

until I see a ring
on your finger.

Well, what I meant
by serious is, um...

is that Sam and I are engaged.

Hey, everybody.

Congratulations, Sammy.

Oh? What for?

She was just a stewardess.

Stop joking, you big
lug, and come here.

Can you excuse us
just a second, Martin?

We have to discuss
our silver pattern.

Dennis, get me the papers
on the Trackwell merger.

Just keep your stupid
mouth shut and smile.

We're engaged.

Oh. Great. Well, let's
begin the honeymoon.

Sam, we're not
actually getting married.

Well, that's even better. I
can enjoy the honeymoon.

Come on, Sam.

It's just a way to get
Martin off my back.

Oh, dear... you mean the
problem-free relationship

suddenly developed a glitch?

I can't very well tell
the future president

of the corporation no.

I'd never work again.

Please, Sam, just
help me out here

just until Martin gets over me.

Come on.

Oh, I don't know.

You know, if I
go along with this,

will you go to bed with me?

Let's put it this way.

If you don't go along with this,

I will never go to bed with you.

Wait. All right. So, in
other words, if I don't...

No. Wait, wait.
That means if you...

All right, this is me,

this is you, this is the bed.

Sam, just do it.

No, I don't...

Yeah, I don't personally

think we need the
salad forks, honey,

but you're the
entertainer in the family.

Well, I suppose
congratulations are in order.

Oh, well, thank you, sir.

Yeah, I never thought
I'd get her, but...

it looks like Becky here

is going to be my ever-loving,

everlasting little
bundle of kisses.

Little bundle of
open-mouthed kisses.

Isn't he sweet?

I'd like to propose a
toast to the happy couple,

and especially to
Rebecca Howe...

The only thing I ever
wanted and haven't gotten.

Yeah. Same here.

Um... would you excuse
me just for a minute, please?

Hey, Sammy,

quite a squeeze-a-rooni you
got there, huh? I had no idea.

Oh, Sammy, tell
me it isn't true.

Carla, come on. It's not true.

I knew that. You're
a lousy actor.

I'm pretty good though, huh?

Well, actually, Carla, as
a student of the theater,

I have to correct you.

What you were doing
there is not called acting.

It's called improvising.

Shut up, Woody.

Now, that would be directing.

So when's the big event?

Well, I was kind of
planning on tonight.

You're getting married tonight?

Married? Oh, no. I'm sorry.

I thought you were talking
about something else.

It is definitely not
going to be tonight.

Look, the important thing is

that we are as one forevermore.

Honeys till the end of time.

Well, Sam,

I guess you
wouldn't be interested

in spending the next month
tending bar at a seaside resort

we reopened in Cancun?

I'm there.

Whoa, hey.

Sam!

Oh, right. Yeah.

Um, that wouldn't be
fair to Rebecca here.

Who could we get to replace me?

Oh, no problem.

I'll make an exchange with
the bartender down there.

Well, then, I'm out of here.

Hey, I'll see you in a month.

Adios, amigos!

Sam?

Sam!

Sam!

Martin, is this your little way
of breaking Sam and me up?

It's a bona fide offer.

I need an experienced
man down there.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that,
when Sam gets down there,

and he's all alone, he's
going to start roving.

Well, I can tell you this.

You can send Sam away
for a month or a year,

and he will only think of me.

Excuse me.

Do they have drug
stores down there,

or should I pack an extra bag?

Ramon, Ramon, Ramon,

you have been a terrific
replacement for Sammy.

I'm really going to be
sorry to see you go.

Although I will enjoy

watching you walk up the stairs.

Mi Carlita...

Adios, amigos.

Bye-bye.

Take care of yourself, Ramon.

I don't know what
that Latin lover said,

but I sure dig
the way he said it.

Well, if you ask me,

Ramon's a lot more
Latin than lover.

Yeah, you know,

study after study show

that the old sons of Spain

just don't have
our sexual prowess.

Cliffie, nobody has
your sexual prowess.

Thanks, Norm. You know,

it seems that the tropical sun

dries out a man's vital juices.

You ever seen a raisin?

Have you ever seen a doctor?

Sam was supposed
to be in hours ago.

Has anybody heard from him yet?

No one's heard a
word from him in weeks.

Hello, Rebecca.

Heard from Sam recently?

Have I?

Every hour on the hour.

It's almost embarrassing.

Hmm. Well, then what's happened

seems all the more curious.

What's happened?

According to our reports,

Mr. Malone missed
the corporate jet home.

Uh... well, I'm sure there's
a simple explanation.

I'll just call Cancun
this afternoon

and find out what
the trouble is.

We have Cancun on the line.

You are so helpful.

I am five months
from retirement.

Hello.

Sam, hi. This is Rebecca.

You must have missed
your plane, you naughty boy.

So when should I pick you up

at the airport, my darling? Sam?

Sam?

Hello?

Sam? Sam?

Hello? Operator?

O-operator?

Yes, I was just talking
to my fiancé and I was...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, me talk-o to me
boy-o amigo in Cancun,

and we were cut off-o.

It's a beautiful
language, isn't it?

What? You no operator?

You boose boy?

Oh, bus boy.

Yeah, okay, adios.

No, no, adios.

Damn.

Thank you, Dennis.

Rebecca, you're not
losing anything in Sam.

I hear he hasn't
stopped fooling around

since he got down there.

You had him watched?

I didn't have to.

The man's escapades
have become legendary.

The Indians in the mountains
sing a folk song about him.

Rebecca, let me help you take
your mind off your problems.

I'll pick you up for dinner,

maybe a drink, a trip
to Paris, a few laughs.

Martin, not tonight.

I-I really need
time to get over this.

Well, then tomorrow night.

I won't take no for an answer.

I got him, I got him.

I caught my little
Ricardo Montalban.

Just as he was
getting into a cab.

Go get your little
apron on, honey.

Carla, how come you called
Ramon Ricardo Montalban?

Because his tight little chinos

are so packed with
rich, Corinthian leather.

Oh, yeah, I see, now
that you mention it.

All right,

I hate to change the subject,

but I don't know if
anyone else recognizes

we seem to have a
little problem here.

Oh, you need another
beer, Mr. Peterson?

Okay, we have two problems.

Uh, there's a
distinct possibility

that Sammy may never come back.

Frankly, I don't blame him.

Beautiful weather,
miles of beaches...

Yeah, chicks.

No suits,

no rules, no tight
shoes to pinch your feet.

Yeah, that'd be good

to get out of the city
a little bit, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah.

I got five vacation
days coming to me.

Oh, say, it may be a crazy idea,

but why don't we
go down there, too?

Lay out in the sun for a while,

work on that old
mañana attitude?

Should we do it?

What do you say, guys?

Ah, maybe tomorrow.

Excuse me, bartender,

can we get a couple of
pina coladas over here?

Sure thing.

Let me just finish
making this margarita.

So, anyway, Margarita...

Buenos noches, amigos.

¿Que tal, Pepe? Hola, Pepe!

¿Que tal, Pepe?

Los calzones, Sammy.

Esa agua esta muy fría.

Good one, man, good one.

Let's go, Sam. We're leaving.

I have a cab outside.

Beckita, what are
you doing here?

I took the liberty

of stopping by your room
and packing your bags.

I can't believe you didn't
pack one pair of underpants.

Now come on, we're going home.

Home? Sweetheart, I'm...

This is home.

I love this place.

Sam, we are leaving
and we are leaving now.

I am not going to
get stuck with Martin.

Oh, right, right.

The little one.

Uh, sweetheart,
yeah, I got to tell you,

I think it's high time
you told him the truth.

I can't tell him the truth.

I'll get fired.

Well, they, uh, they got plenty

of good job
opportunities down here.

Can you paint
pictures on turtles?

Sam, I am asking you, not as
a woman speaking to a man,

I am asking you as a friend.

Please, Sam.

When you look back

at all the countless,
selfish, petty,

vindictive things
you've done in your life,

wouldn't it be wonderful
if you could say

for one brief moment that you
did something good and fine?

This shouldn't be
turning me on, should it?

Oh, that's it.

Cerveza, Sammy.

Be right there, Pepe.

If you won't listen to my pleas,

maybe you'll listen to this.

You're coming with me, Sam.

Now let's not do

anything crazy here.

I bet you wish you had
those underpants now.

Listen, I'm gonna just reach
out my hand here real slowly.

I want you to relax and
take your finger off the trigger.

Just put the gun in my hand.

I'm sorry. It's not loaded.

I mean, I'm sorry, period.

It's not loaded, period.

It's-it's all right, everybody.

It was just a... just a joke.

I'm gonna go now.

W-w-where do you
think you're going?

You can't just walk out of here.

You pulled a gun on me

in a resort in the middle
of a foreign country.

They have laws, you know?

Don't they?

Good-bye, Sam.

Pobrecita.

Oh, no,

she's like that all the time.

I mean, this isn't
even a bad day for her.

¿Son todas las babes de
Boston locos como esta?

No, no... she's kind
of the queen of loco.

I mean, she was nutty
the first day I met her.

She's... she's hyper.

You know what I mean, hyper?

All she thinks about

is her stupid career

and she keeps blowing it.

And I can't tell you
how many times

I've had to pull that
lady's fat out of the fire.

Get this, you know.

This is her latest escapade.

She wants me to
pretend to be her fiancé,

'cause she doesn't want to marry

this pint-size
executive back home.

What do I get for my troubles?

A gun stuck in my face.

You know what
the sorriest thing is?

Me.

I still like her.

Why is that, Pepe?

Nice buns, Sammy?

You people see
things so clearly.

Hey, uh, Ramon.

Listen, we're heading
over to Casa de Clavin

for our weekly
video film classic.

You want to take Sammy's seat?

I'm busy.

Yeah, well, I've got it rented

for a couple of days.

How about tomorrow night?

Uh... I am busy.

Yeah? Sorry.

Yeah, well, he's a
nice guy, that Ramon,

but he's no Sammy, is he, Norm?

But then again, Cliffie...

he's a lot more Sammy
than you and I will ever be.

Hey, boss, last of the
riffraff just cleared out of here.

You want to lock up?

Sure, Carla, can you show
me how a key works again?

Oh, brother, you been
in there drinking all night?

Carla, I am celebrating.

I think that I am the
luckiest woman in the world.

I'm going to marry
the geek tycoon.

And you know, he's going
to give me money and jewels

and all sorts of rich stuff.

I am going to be
so rich, I can stink

and no one will even tell me.

I'm sure you two will
be very happy together.

I'm sure I will, too.

I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life

living in big, old mansions,

wearing fabulous clothes

and being real
nasty to the help.

You feeling sorry for yourself

because you have
to marry a rich guy?

Boo-hoo, boo-hoo.

Come on, Carla.

You wouldn't
trade Eddie for him.

I'd trade Eddie
for a ride in his car.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a Spam casserole
lurking in the oven.

Hey, we're the same size.

Hi, honey, you're home.

See?

Aren't I gonna make
you a wonderful wife?

You've been
drinking, haven't you?

Just a sippy or
two to celebrate.

Well, now that Sam's
out of the picture,

I assume that leaves
the path clear for me.

Shall we proceed?

Rebecca...

will you do me the honor
of becoming my wife?

I guess.

Outstanding.

Shall we set a date?

Whenever. I don't care.

You're about to see
my impulsive side.

This is Justice of
the Peace Wilson,

these are four dozen
long-stemmed red roses.

I'm the perspective bridegroom.

Guess what you are?

Dead meat on a hook?

Um...

Martin, you can't do this.

My parents aren't here.

Your parents aren't here.

My mother passed away,

and, uh, you know my father.

Dennis?

Welcome to the family.

Rebecca,

you should know by now

that I haven't gotten where I am

by waiting for
things to come to me.

As far as I'm concerned,
this is a done deal.

So let's make it legal.

Hey, baby, I'm back!

Call off the Federales.

Sam!

I couldn't stay away from you
for another second, my darling.

Kiss me.

Oop...

Hey, did I interrupt
something here?

No, Martin and I were
just going to get married,

but now that you're back...

Oh... Martin.

I'm so sorry.

This is really tearing me apart.

But I need to follow my heart.

Well, if that's what you
feel, Rebecca, you've got it.

I hope you two will be
very happy together.

But remember: you
blew it in a big, big way.

I hope this won't affect
our business relationship.

Why should it?

Gee, when I sober up,

I'm probably going
to worry about this.

Better not let that happen.

I don't believe this.

You came all the way
back here just for me?

I just feel so terrible

for everything I ever
said or did to you.

Well, gee, now, there must
be some way you can thank me.

You're right, Sam.

I think the time
has finally come.

Yeah.

You've waited long enough.

Oh...

Oh, no.

That's funny.

Usually they pass
out afterwards.

No, no, no.

I am a gentleman.

But I may never have
this chance again.