Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 21 - Sisterly Love - full transcript

Rebecca's estranged sister, Susan Howe, is in Boston to shoot a commercial. She's an actress specializing in horror movies. She stops by the bar in the off chance that Rebecca might want to see her. Rebecca doesn't. Sam finds out that much of the sisterly discord is from the Susan stealing Rebecca's boyfriends when they were younger. Sam uses this information in his attempt to bed both sisters. He tells Susan that Rebecca and he are an item, after which she agrees to go out with him. He tells Rebecca that Susan is interested in him, to which Rebecca replies that to get back at Susan, Sam should break off their date and Rebecca would go out with him in Susan's place. So Sam postpones his date with Susan to take out Rebecca, with his date with Susan now later in the evening. However Susan can't wait and appears at the same time Sam is supposed to go out with Rebecca. Sam has to try and manage his dates with both sisters without the other finding out.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody!

I have a great new
way to promote the bar.

( others groaning)
REBECCA: No, no, no, no,

you're gonna like
this one; it's different.

It not only demonstrates
social concern,

but it is also
contemporary and hip.

Now, Cheers is
the bar that cares.

Therefore, if you
are not in condition

to drive yourself
home, we will appoint

a designated
driver, free of charge.



Oh, that's nice,
that's really nice.

So is anybody a little tipsy?

Come on, don't be ashamed.

Does anybody feel
that they might have

the slightest difficulty
driving themselves home?

I might.

Well, hi. I'm Rebecca Howe.

And I would be happy
to drive you home myself.

That's very nice of
you. Where do you live?

Philadelphia.

Well, what's your address?

Eh, it's a blue house;
I'll know it when I see it.

( inaudible)

( piano plays)



♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Frasier?

It's time to take mother
to her hair appointment.

Oh, well, then
we'd better hurry up

before they run out of
her special shade of blue.

Frasier, how many times
have mother and I asked you

to cease and desist
with the snide, cliché,

battle-axe, mother-in-law jokes?

You know mother's not like that.

You're right, dear, I'm sorry.

Uh, I was just trying
to amuse my friends.

Geez, it wasn't very funny.

CLIFF ( chuckles):
Well, you-you know

what was funny, when
you said you could hear

her perfume coming a mile away.

NORM: Yeah, yeah,
or the one where

you said, uh, she's
had so many facelifts,

if she wants to smile,
she has to cross her legs.

Lilith, you understand, it was
all in-in good humor, you know.

Of course.

You know I have a sense
of humor about mother.

Now, say good-bye
to your friends.

You're grounded for six weeks.

Shoot!

Hey, Sam.

Hey, Woody, what's new?

Well, nothing much.

Oh, your car alarm's going off.

What? Someone's
breaking in my car

and you don't run
in here to tell me?

We're not talking
about any car here, man,

we're talking about my 'Vette!

It's a classic,
it's irreplaceable!

Hey, why don't you
come in and sit down here.

Sam, what about your alarm?

Well, you're taking care
of that, Woody, aren't you?

I was?

Oh, I must be off
in another world.

Sammy's done it again.

How come he always spots
the gorgeous ones first?

'Cause he doesn't spend all his
time peeling dead skin off his elbows?

What, are you
gonna do it for me?

So, how can I help you?

I'm looking for Becky Howe.

Wow, well, Becky'll
be here in a minute.

In the meantime, can
I interest you in a...

Sam Malone?

No, thanks.

But I will have a
Perrier with lime. Ah.

Sworn off the hard stuff, huh?

Coming right up.

Sam. Yeah?

It was nothing. Oh, thanks.

Hey, listen, you know that
girl you were talking to? Yep.

I swear I've seen
her someplace before.

Well, she asked for
Rebecca. Called her Becky.

Must be old friends.

Yeah, that could explain a lot.

What's that supposed to mean?

CLIFF: Well, figure it out.

Rebecca, who doesn't date,

suddenly has this
good-looking friend show up.

A slender, boyish,

female friend, with
whom she probably, uh,

sunbathed nude somewhere,
perhaps on the Isle of Lesbos.

They ever get the tests
back on that dog that bit you?

So, uh, where do
you know Becky from?

She's my sister. I'm Susan Howe.

You're sisters?!

Well, of course!

God, I love sisters!

I love the whole
idea of sisters.

Well, any sister
of Rebecca is a...

Are there any more of you?

Uh, afraid not.

Well, no, that's... You're
more than enough.

( laughs): Oh, wow!

( whispers): Sam, come here.

Let me tell you something.

Excuse me. What?

I just remembered who she is.

That's Susan Howe.

I know, she's Rebecca's sister.

No, the actress... I saw
her in Night of the Mutants.

What, is that a movie,
or your family reunion?

A movie, Carla.

I don't remember, uh,
Rebecca saying anything

about having a sister
who was in a horror movie.

Are you sure about that?

Let me check.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

You know, if she had
another, smaller head

growing out of her
neck, I'd be positive.

I got to check this out.

Hey, ask her if they let
her keep the little head.

Sorry about that.
Uh, bar business.

So, what brings you to Boston?

I'm shooting a bank commercial.

Oh, I was right!

You are Susan Howe, the actress.

I loved you in that
two-headed movie.

Oh, which one?
I did two of them.

Was it the one where the head
was coming out of my neck?

Uh, yeah, that's the one.

Oh, thank goodness, because
the other one I am not proud of.

Oh.

Well, so, you're, uh, you're
here to see Becky, huh?

How long has it been since
the two of you saw each other?

Ooh, it must be three years.

We had a little... falling out.

I only hope we're grown up
enough now to kiss and make up.

Grown-up sisters,
kissing and making up.

That warms my
cockles. ( chuckles)

Let's get you two gals
back together, shall we?

Will you excuse me
just a minute here?

CLIFF: So, uh, what's
the bone, Jerome?

Any late-breaking bulletins
here? Yeah, oh, yeah.

I think I'm on to
something here, fellas.

Carla, you hate
your sister, don't you?

Sure, why?

Well, what would I have to do

to get the two of you
back together again?

Simple, Sam, ask me to come
down and identify her body.

She's missing the point.

Can you imagine what
the reward might be

for anybody who would act as a
peacemaker between these two

tragically estranged but
perky-bottomed sisters?

Ah...

To Sammy, the man
who keeps the dream alive.

CARLA: Wait a minute.

What makes you think you
can get the both of them?

It's taken you two years to get a
polite kick in the teeth from number one.

( chuckling):
Carla, Carla, Carla.

Am I gonna have to
teach you about women?

Yeah, Cliff, why don't you?

Nah, you better take
this one, Sammy.

I don't want to
hog the spotlight.

Carla...

I know you don't have a
lot of experience with this,

but sometimes women
get... really happy.

And when that happens,

they get all emotional
and vulnerable.

And that's when it's
time for a fella like me,

who's very sensitive
and caring, to move in

and give new meaning to the
words, "triple-decker Sam-ich."

NORM: Hey, hey!

CLIFF: Hey, hey!

Hey! All right!

So, Cliff... Huh?

Tell me more about women.

Well, all right here, uh...

They're warm and soft, and...

( sighs)

when they wash their
cars, they're dressed

in nothing but suds, a
suntan and a cowboy hat.

Sorry, I must have drifted
away there for a second.

( sighs): So...

Oh, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

I've got a surprise for you.

Sam, move your hand; your
cologne is stinging my eyes.

Come here, come here,
there's someone waiting

to see you, and you're
never gonna guess who it is.

Careful, careful. You
are gonna love this.

Ta-da!

Susan.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you.

Well, now you've seen me.

Yep, yep, there you are.

Boy, oh, boy, is this a moment.

Yeah, I was here on a job,

and I thought I'd
drop in and say hello.

Hello.

Good-bye.

Fine, I tried.

You are obviously
not interested.

Obviously. No, no!
Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Come back here. Listen, listen.

You know what's happening
here, you're both so excited

to see each other that you're
getting all tensed up here.

I think what we need
to do is put ourselves

into a little bit of a
more relaxed situation.

I know this hot tub club

where we can get group rates.

I'm kidding, I'm
kidding about that.

What we should do is,
we should go upstairs,

and we should have
lunch at Melville's.

Just the three of us.
What do you say? My treat.

Well, I did come
here to make up.

Huh?

I did skip breakfast.

All right! That's the spirit!

Family! That's what
made this country great.

Come on.

Sam... Yes?

Why are you so desperate to
see my sister and I make up?

I mean, what is it to you?

Is this another stupid
ploy to get me into bed?

Oh, come on, Rebecca,
don't be ridiculous!

I'm thinking of both of you.

This is nice.

Rebecca, I can't
finish my filet.

Do you want the rest?

Why, do you want me to get fat?

Oh, come on,

you have not been fat
since you were 12 years old.

Of course, you were
the Goodyear blimp then.

At least when I gave my
"I am an American" speech

at the Flag Day assembly,
I did not wet myself.

Rebecca, I was six.

But she did, Sam, she did.

Shut up. You shut up.

No, you shut up.
No, you shut up!

Shut up...!

This is nice.

You know, I really don't think
this was such a good idea, Sam.

And I hope you'll
excuse me, Susan,

if I don't clean
your table scraps.

Oh, wait a minute,
sit down, will you, pl...?

Girls, girls, girls,
what is the big problem

between you two anyway?

Sam, it is one of those
complicated issues

that you can't just pin
down into one certain thing.

Well, try.

( sighs): All right.

Dan Buddinger.

Mike Dietz, Jeff Carnahan,

Ron Allen, Steve
Melman, Terry Toban,

Clay Fisher... Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Does this have anything
to do with boy trouble?

Yes. The trouble is, she can't
keep her hands off my boys.

If it bothered you that much why
didn't you just take them back?

Because I didn't want
to stoop to your level!

Besides, I tried
and it didn't work.

Look, the point is, that was
back when we were kids.

A million things have changed.

No, no, no, the
fact still remains

that every time I am
attracted to a guy,

you are on him
like white on rice.

So excuse me if I
don't leap over there

and say forgive me,
please, please, please,

for breaking my heart over

and over and over and over.

Excuse me, I have
to get out of here.

I have work to do.

Sam, I'm sorry
you had to see that.

Well, that's okay.

I don't think it was
fair for Rebecca to say

that you tried to steal every
guy she ever got interested in.

But I'm warning
you right now, missy,

you better not try that with me.

Oh, Rebecca's interested in you?

Are you kidding me?

She's got a big old crush on me.

Well, I am glad to see she
hasn't lost her good taste.

Well, that's very
sweet of you to say that.

More wine?

This is nice. This is very nice.

I snuck out of the house.

So don't tell Lilith.

Gee, where's Sam?

Oh, he'll be here any minute.

He's still up having lunch with
Miss Howe's sister, Miss Howe.

Oh, you mean
Rebecca's sister's in town.

Susan Howe, the, uh, movie star.

You mean, the Susan Howe,

the star of Night
of the Mutants?

Wow. You saw it?

Well, yes. Lilith and
I rented it last week.

Oh, really?

You two don't seem
the slasher-movie type.

Oh, well, purely for
scientific purposes of course.

But, you know, this
may surprise you...

I rather enjoyed it.

See, I think films with scenes

of graphic disembowelment
and mutilation

can, in some cases,
help people to,

well, release some of
the fears and aggressions

of modern society.

Also, it's the first
time Lilith's mother

went home before
9:00... screaming.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, Miss Howe, I'm
Dr. Frasier Crane.

My wife and I rented your film

Night of the Mutants
last week, and, uh,

well, I was wondering, um...

could I have your autograph?

Ah... Sure.

Thank you.

Uh, I tell you what,

just make it out to

"Mother Sternin."

And say, if you would,
"I know where you live

and I'm going to get you."

Hey, Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, what's the skinny, huh?

Yeah, what's the
score? Two to one?

Guys, guys, I know
I've accomplished

some truly legendary
feats in my day,

but this... this is
my masterpiece.

This is my Moaning Lisa.

( chuckling)

Okay, tell me: what's the plan

and how are we involved?

Well, here it is and you're not.

Turns out that these two
sisters are very competitive...

Especially when it come to guys.

So all I had to do was
let the little one know

that the big one
had the hots for me

and bingo, she was
eating out of my hand.

Was she wearing a cowboy hat?

It's a figure of
speech, Cliffie.

Well, she could have been.

What I need to do
now is make sure

that the big one knows
that the little one is interested

and I will be ping-ponging
between the two of them

until they bury me
with a smile on my face.

( chuckling)

No, please stop.
I'm too young to die.

( screams)

Breathtaking!

Thanks. You guys
are a great audience.

What'd I miss?

Have you had her
scream for you, Sam?

Later, Woody. Later.

Okay, uh, let's see, the plan is

that I meet you back
here at closing time, right?

Yeah, can't wait.

Yeah. See you then.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, it's not fair.

All the chicks in that family

are loaded with great faces,

hair, bods.

What'd my family get?

Look at the bright side, Carla.

Probably takes them hours
to get ready every morning,

whereas you look the
same with or without makeup,

and your hair
practically combs itself.

Thanks, Woody.

Never hurts to spread
a little sunshine.

( knocking on door)

Hi. Hi.

So, what is it?

Well, um, I don't...

I don't want to
get in the middle

of a family squabble, but...

your sister just asked me out.

She what?!

Yeah, is that the
craziest thing, or what?

She obviously thinks
that I'm attracted to you.

Oh, come on, why
would she think that?

I don't know; did
you say something?

Me? Come o...

What would I have to gain
by saying something like that?

Man, this makes me so furious!

She comes out here and
she says that she's sorry

and she wants to make up for it,

and then the second
my back is turned,

she comes onto the guy
she thinks is my boyfriend.

If there's just
something you could do

to get back at her.

What could we do,
what could we do,

what could we do?

Did you say that
you'd go out with her?

Yeah, but I could
kick myself for that.

That was perfect.

Sit down here a second.

You know how you've always
wanted to go out with me?

Yeah.

Well, now your wish
is going to come true.

You break that
date with my sister,

and I will go out with you.

Oh. Oh, boy.

That is vicious,

but she asked for it.

And, Sam? Yeah?

Thank you. Oh, you kidding me?

Come on, what are friends for?

( register rings)

Well, fellas...

at this very moment,

Rebecca Howe is in her house

spending two hours
getting into an outfit

she's going to spend
two minutes getting out of.

Hey, what are you going
to do about that sister, huh?

Oh, I already made a phone
call to postpone our date.

Oh, you going to take
her out tomorrow night?

No, I'm going to take her
out in a couple of hours.

No, don't worry.

We'll be back
here in the morning

for our usual debriefing.

By that time, I'll be able to
compare and contrast them.

And that's when this
stuff gets really interesting.

Yeah.

Sammy? Yeah?

Sorry I was a little hard on
you before, but you know,

I was just trying
to make you reach.

Push out the edges
of the envelope.

CLIFF: We're all
proud of you, Sammy.

God bless you on
this night, Sam Malone.

Oh. At la...

Susan.

Oh, Sam,

I know you put off our date,

but I just couldn't wait

to see you. You're all I've been

thinking about today.

Is there someplace
private we can go

for a few minutes where I can...

touch you and hold you?

Um, usually I go for
this stuff in a big way,

but at the moment...

I'm in a little bit
of a time jam here.

Oh, I'm so in the mood.

And I am so good
when I am in the mood.

Would you excuse
me for a second?

I got to make a
quick phone call.

I'll be right back.

Oh, come on, Rebecca, pick
up, pick up, pick up, please.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

As long as you're not going
to be talking with those lips...

( groaning) (
provocative chuckle)

( both moaning and chuckling)

Oh...

( both continue moaning)

Sam, I'm ready for our date.

Susan!

Uh, Rebecca, I can explain this.

Wait, just... Ow.

My finger's caught in your bra.

Listen...

You don't owe me an explanation.

It's Susan.

It's always been Susan.

My entire life, it
has been Susan.

I'm glad you saw us.

You deserve to be hurt.

Oh, no, sister. Come on.

I don't hurt anymore;
I am way beyond hurt.

Don't be silly, now,
girls, please, please.

And now it is Susan
Howe's turn to hurt.

( gasping) Hey, that's a gun.

It ain't licorice.

No, come on, let...

Let's talk about this.

Now, this is silly.

No, please, I'm
too young to die.

Rebecca. ( Susan screaming)

( gunshot) Oh...!

Holy cow!

That was for Dan Buddinger.

And this is for Jeff Carnahan.

(gunshot) Oh...!

And Mike Dietz.

(gunshot)

And Sam Malone.

( three gunshots)

Oh, boy, oh, boy!

What did...?

What is it, Sam?

Oh!

What, because I
killed my sister?

Uh-huh!

I didn't mean to do that anyway.

Oh, well, it's done.

All right... we got to
get this body out of here.

Wha...? Wha...?

You got to help
me, Sam; come on.

Come on, take a hold of her.

Come on. Oh...!

Everybody does at least
one bad thing in their life.

Sam, take her hands.

There.

All right, now, make
sure nobody sees us.

(whimpering)

Stop being a baby!

Oh!

Oh, boy, oh, boy...

Move.

ALL: Sammy!

She did it.

Boy, Sammy, when you said

you were going to knock
'em off one at a time,

you were serious.

Oh, no, no, no, you
don't understand.

I mean, she... she's real...

I'm dead. ( gasps)

( laughter)

( laughter continues)

That wasn't funny.

( laughter continues)

That wasn't funny.

I mean, that's the kind of
thing that could, you know,

give somebody
serious mental damage.

Am I right, Lilith?

No, it was funny, Sam.

( laughter continues)

Susan, Susan, you were so good.

Wasn't Susan good?

SUSAN: You were
pretty good yourself.

Sam, are you all right?

I'm hurt.

I'm hurt and I'm...

I'm offended.

And quite frankly,
I can't believe

that you two think that
this is some sort of silly joke.

Am I right, Norm?

( laughing): Yeah.

I'm never going to speak
to either one of you again.

Oh, Sam, that's really too bad,
because you know, in a way,

fending off your stupid advances

brought Susan
and I back together.

We haven't been this
close since we were kids.

We're grateful.

How grateful?