Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 2 - Swear to God - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Woods, refill, please.

Yeah, sure.

Whatever you want.

Hey, hey, hey.

Why so down in the
mouth there, bud?

Well, I'm understudying
another play,

and I know I'm never gonna

get to go on, because the star

never gets sick.

But, darn it, the
part is perfect for me.



Yeah? What is that part?

Moses.

My theater group

is doing an original play,

An Evening With the Prophets.

Mm.

I got more lines than
any of the other Israelites.

But I managed
to jam them all in,

right up here. Mm.

Yeah, your head
looks packed, all right.

Go on, test me.

Give me a cue. All right.

Well, what's the first line?

"And I have said
I will bring you up



"out of the affliction of Egypt

"under the land
of the Canaanites

"and the Hittites,
and the Amorites

"and the Parasites,
and the Hivites."

Wait, wait, wa-wa-wait.

What, uh, what
happened to the Cellulites?

They, uh,

settled in the land of Vera.

Did you hear what he said?

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name. ♪

Here we go.

Thank you.

Boy, what a day. Yeah?

Yeah, I can't
wait for it to end.

All I can think about
is getting home

and jumping into bed.

Need anybody to break your fall?

Hi. Sam Malone.

Hi. Suzanne Porter.

How do you do?

Sam, you done
picking up on this lady?

Not quite, Woody.

Well, I'm sorry to
interrupt you, but, uh,

Denise called.

Oh, Denise.

Who's Denise?

Um... uh, my brother's kid.

Uh, Denise.

Yeah, I have to say hi
to her, and De-nephew.

Very smooth, Sam.

Very funny.

Uh, so who's this Denise?

Aw, she was somebody...

we had quite a thing
going there a while ago.

And then we both realized
that sex wasn't anything

to base a relationship on, so...

six months later, we broke up.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, she must be quite a dish

if you're willing to pass up

on door number one over there.

Well, it's kind
of like avocados.

One of them's ripe,

and ready to be
squashed into guacamole.

And the other one
needs to stay on the shelf

a little while longer.

Well, anyway,

call her back...
She says it's urgent.

Ah, with the accent
on "urge," huh? Hmm!

Actually, you know, I think, uh,

this is a call I should
return in person.

Aw, Sam! Whoa, hey!

Where are you going?

Uh, to my niece's house.

Her grandma's sick.

If it's your niece's grandma,

wouldn't that be your mother?

My mom's sick? Oh, my God!

Excuse me. Why don't you
stick around for a little while?

My mom bounces right back.

Hey, Sam, hey, uh,

back from the Denise
decathlon, huh?

Got a, uh, another gold medal

in the "broad" jump?

You know, you got
a big mouth, Clavin.

Hey, he happens
to be right, you know.

Yeah, it's a genetic quirk
in the, uh, Clavin family

that we all have
two extra teeth.

Yeah, you see,

that's the only way
that we can prove

that we are the rightful
heirs to the Russian throne.

Hello in there, Cliff.

Tell me...

what color is the
sky in your world?

What's wrong?

Carla, I just want to be left

alone for a while, all right?

You got it. Thank you.

Hey, everybody, Sam
wants to be left alone!

Okay, Sammy, spill your guts.

What's the matter?

Carla, I just said that
I-I want... Yeah, but

you're gonna end up
telling me eventually,

so you might as
well get it over with.

Go on, make you feel better.

Just keep this to yourself.

Remember how I went
over to Denise's house?

Well, she... she didn't invite
me over for a good time.

She wanted to show me something.

What?

My child.

Seven pounds, ten ounces,

a baby boy.

What's so funny?

Sam Malone finally got caught

with his hand in the cookie jar.

Carla, come on.

This is serious.

Oh, of course it is, Sam.

But I really think you're
gonna be okay, you know?

Yeah? Just remember this.

This little piggy
went to market...

Would you...?

This is not funny.

I'm sorry.

You sure it's yours?

No, it's between
me and another guy.

But the kid's a real looker,

so, you know, you figure it out.

So when are you
gonna find out, Dad?

Soon.

I mean, she dragged
me down to a lab

to have a blood test.

Well, what's the
big deal, you know?

You can just do what
all the other jerks do.

You pay a little
money for support,

and you get off the hook.

No, Carla, it means a
lot more to me than that.

I'm telling you, if
this, if this kid is mine,

then... then I want
to see that he's fed,

that he's clothed,
and that he's educated.

You know, I'm-I'm gonna take

him to, to Little
League games, too.

I'm gonna be the best
damn father you've ever seen.

Please don't let him be mine!

Oh!

Oh!

I tell you, if I get out
of this, I swear to God,

I am through fooling
around forever.

Sam, don't swear to God.

No, I mean it, I mean
it, if I get out of this,

I swear to God, I'll
never have sex again.

You?

Never?

Yeah, not ever.

I mean, for the rest...

Well, three months,
three months.

Well, I guess the amount of
sex you have in three months

is what most people
have in a lifetime. Huh.

If they're attractive, I guess.

You have a phone
call from Denise.

Oh, and Carla,
you know that, uh,

pitcher of beer you
left on your tray?

Some guy from table
six came and drank it.

We don't have a table six.

I knew I should
have said table five.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Denise.

Um, what'd the doctor say?

Oh, thank God, oh, thank God!

Oh, thank God! Oh!

Oh, I'm so happy.

Well, I'm so happy
for the other guy.

Yeah.

Congratulations, huh?

All right, we-well,
I'll call you

some other time then, all right?

Bye-bye.

Doctor, Sam?

Uh, yeah, uh,

Denise and I and
this, uh, other guy

share the same doctor

and she just wanted
to let me know

that he had gotten
some new magazines

in the waiting room.

You lucky dog!

Must be the Sports
Illustrated "Swimsuit Issue."

Say, uh... Suzanne,
uh... what do you say,

you want to help
me celebrate here?

I'd love to. Great.

What are we celebrating?

I have no idea,
but whatever it is

we're overdressed.

Sam?

Yeah? Uh, Sam, aren't
you forgetting something?

I know, I know, I'm gonna
drop by the old drug store.

Don't worry, I
learned my lesson.

Could you wait just...?

What?

Does the name "God" ring a bell?

Yeah?

The guy you made a vow to?

Oh.

Yeah, boy, I almost
forgot about that.

Uh... it's no big thing.

"No big thing"?

Come on, God's a sport.

People make promises
like that all the time,

but if God had to
collect on all of them,

He wouldn't have
any time to create

natural wonders
like that, for instance.

I'll see you... Oh, boy.

Give me a minute here.

Listen, Sammy,

I don't want to tell you
how to run your life,

but I want to tell you
this: don't mess with God.

Look at all the people
in the Bible who did.

The entire population
of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Lot's wife... turned into
a salt lick with boobs.

Come on, what...

What's He gonna do...
Reach down from the clouds

and snatch me up?

You know, you...

Halt, infidel!

Hey, sorry, Sam.

Uh, I was just at an
understudy rehearsal.

I thought you might get
a kick out of my costume.

You ought to warn people

before you go around
pretending to be God.

You thought I was God?

Thanks. I was only
trying to be Moses.

Hey, guys, he thought I was God!

Sam, can we go now?

Yeah, you bet.

No, no, Sam!

He has sent His messenger.

Me...? What messenger?

That is just Woody.

You think it's a coincidence
that Woody came in

just at that very moment
dressed as Moses?

I mean, of all the plays he
could have been in, Sammy.

He could have been
dressed as Auntie Mame.

Would that have scared you?

Yeah, a little.

Let's face it, Sam,
that was a warning,

and you'd better take heed.

Oh, come on, what's He gonna do?

Well, my cousin Tino...

Yeah?

Swore he'd give up meat.

That night, he ate a burger.

The next day,
his teeth fell out.

Oh, come on, Carla.

There's no connection here.

I swore I would
not have sex, so...

Listen, I-I-I'm not really
in the mood anymore.

Why not?

Carla's cousin
Tino's teeth fell out.

Yeah, well, maybe
some other time.

Uh... Why don't
you give me a call?

Yeah. I-I don't
have your number.

Perfect.

Oh... are you satisfied,
God's Little Helper?

Oh, listen, Sam.

Uh, in the interest
of authenticity,

you think there's
anyway I can sound

less like God and
more like Moses?

Yeah, stop going
around scaring people.

That's good.

That's good, now,
how 'bout the voice?

Now sit down.

Now...

how can I be of help?

Well, I would like
your advice, Father.

Actually, it's for
a friend of mine.

He, uh...

got himself into kind of a bind,

and so, in desperation, promised
God he'd give up something.

And what did he
promise to give up?

Sweets.

Oh.

I see.

Yeah...

but my friend really
likes sweets a lot.

You know, and
sweets like him a lot.

And he hasn't had sweets
now for about two weeks,

and if he doesn't have sweets
soon, he's gonna explode.

I see, and God's
contractual obligation

was to get your friend out
of this bind you spoke of.

Yes, sir. Which He did.

Well, then, what is the problem?

Well, m-my friend was wondering
what the penalty would be

if he, say... you know, had a...

huge box of chocolates.

Sam, I think this is
between you and your God.

Yeah, right.

Oh, how did...

How'd you know it was me?

In all the years people
have been coming here

for their friends, I have
never met one of their friends.

Oh, well, yeah, as
long as I'm busted,

I guess I might as well tell you

the truth here.

I-I didn't promise
to give up sweets.

I promised to give up sex.

Ah...

that is a tough one.

You know, Sam, the Church

does recommend chastity
to unmarried people.

Oh, I'm sorry. You
were serious. Uh...

How do you do that?

I mean, what do you do?

How do you not?

I mean, a-are there
special tricks, or a

certain way of sitting, maybe?

Well, yes, but we are
strictly forbidden to reveal it.

You're kidding.

Yes.

Oh.

You know, Sam, I think
you're looking for someone

to tell you it's all right
to break your vow,

but I can't do that.

You know, I've found
that people who come here

looking for answers usually
know what the answer is,

and I think you do, too.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, thank you.

Oh...

Oh, no, no, no.

Carla, Carla?

Oh, great. Look.
I think I got it.

God's gonna have
to accept this one.

"With the Lord, one day
is as a thousand years,

and a thousand
years is as one day."

So?

So that means

I've been out of
action for 21,000 years.

Come on, that's got to
be good enough for Him.

You know, Sam, I-I'd
like to agree with you...

since you're so
pathetic it's annoying...

But no sale.

All right, all right, I still
got Deuteronomy here.

Don't look, Sammy.

Temptation at 12:00.

Oh...

Oh... Oh, God.

Man, they're coming in waves.

Cheers.

Yeah, this is him.

You're kidding.

Moses has an ear infection.

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

I'll be right there.

So, Woody, they
gonna let you go on?

Uh, no, I got to
stop by the drugstore

and pick up some antibiotics.

So, believe it or not,
I've given up sex entirely.

But you got to promise
not to tell anybody.

Well, Sam, confidentiality

is the bedrock of my profession.

Besides, who'd believe me?

You were saying?

Well, I was just wondering
what you think I ought to do.

Well, you need to find

another outlet for
your sexual energies.

Mm-hmm. For example,

during six painfully frustrating
months of my adolescence,

I built a submarine
in our basement.

One of those little
plastic models?

No, life-size. Slept six.

The happiest hours
of my youth were spent

down there in the dark
shouting, "Fire one.

Fire two."

Well, enough about me.

Let's address this problem, Sam.

Well, I don't know
anything about submarines.

Well, surely you
have other interests.

Sports, sailing, music?

Well, yeah, I had a
piano lesson once.

Actually, I had
the piano teacher

and it was twice, but...

I liked it.

Well, I'll tell you.

If you were to sit
down at the piano today

and channel your
energies into it,

you would find all
your sexual tensions

pouring out through
your fingertips.

Yeah, fingertips.

Yeah, right.

And best of all, Sam,

no matter how badly you
perform, a piano never laughs.

Never stomps out of the room

and refuses to let you
play again for three days.

Well, I'm off to Lilith.

Sam?

Would you please lock up?

Uh, yeah. I'm going home to bed.

Okay, good night.

Did you hear me?

I said I'm going to go to bed.

Well, I hope you, uh,

get a good night's sleep.

Thank you.

Carla, I just left
myself wide open

for one of Sam's sleazy
remarks, and nothing.

I mean, not that I want
to, but what does it mean

when you can't turn on the
horniest guy that ever lived?

I am really getting old.

Oh, Rebecca, would
you stop being ridiculous?

You're still a young,
beautiful, vibrant woman

with her whole
life ahead of her.

Oh, you're just saying that.

Yes, I am.

I was taught to humor old folks.

Carla, I ca...

I can't take this anymore.

I mean, I tried everything.

I've stopped eating oysters,

I'm taking cold showers,

I even started stuffing
ice in my pockets.

I tell you, I'm not
going to make it.

Oh, Sammy, buck up.

You only have nine
more weeks to go.

I'm talking about tonight.

Guess who?

Uh-oh. I'll give you a hint.

Vermont ski
lodge, a roaring fire,

and baby oil.

Uh... could you, uh,

be more specific?

Gravity boots.

Oh, Rachel Patterson.

Oh, look...

Hi, Sam, how are you?

Oh, boy.

I tell you, honey,
you're the last person

in the world I want
to see right now.

Nice to see you, too.

Uh...

Listen, I have got
an 18-hour layover,

and I'm not the
least bit sleepy.

How'd you like to
help me kill some time?

Listen, what, um...

Actually, I hear, uh, movies
are good for that kind of thing.

Why don't you, uh, why
don't you take in about

two or three right
in a row, there?

I know... smell.

I'm wearing that perfume
that always drove you so crazy.

Oh, Devastation, huh?

Uh...

Actually, I got this,
uh, this head cold.

Uh, I wouldn't
want you to catch it.

Um, I'm sorry, uh...

what do you say,
some other time, huh?

Well, okay.

Oh, Sam?

Yeah?

A friend of mine snapped this

of me on a beach in Ipanema.

I thought you might like a copy.

Oh.

Would you excuse me

just for a minute here?

Look at this!

I mean, this is not fair.

I mean, I'm going for it.

It's-it's not like I'm
murdering anybody.

I-I'm just going to bring
a great deal of pleasure

to two people.

So, if in Your, uh,
infinite wisdom,

You feel You have
to smite me down,

then please make it
quick and painless.

And if You could give
me about three hours,

I'd appreciate it.

Okay.

Sam?

Devastation.

The hound is loose.

Please, go easy on him.

Sammy, now you've done it.

There's nothing in your
future but frogs and locusts.

Why'd you have to
go and do it, Sammy?

I didn't do it.

What?

I didn't do it.

We went to the hotel,

she got into bed,

I got into bed with her.

Then I was folding up
my socks, and I was...

You fold up your socks?

Sure. I'm not an animal.

Anyway, all of a
sudden, for no reason,

I went over and I,

and I opened the
nightstand drawer.

And there it was,
staring right up at me.

The Bible.

Can you imagine that...
A Bible in a hotel room?

So, we... we got out
of there real quick,

and we got another room, and...

there it was again.

I mean, we... we went
from hotel to hotel,

and it just followed
us wherever we went.

Then it dawned on me.

This was a bona fide miracle.

God was speaking

to me directly through
hotel nightstands.

He works in mysterious ways.

Amen. Amen.

Excuse me, Sam, but, uh

in all the years you
played baseball,

traveling throughout
the country,

all the hotel rooms
you stayed in,

didn't you ever once notice...?

Uh, Frasier, Sam
was just telling us

about a miracle

that affected him very deeply.

Now, what was it
that you were noticing?

Well, th-they always put
those little strips of paper

across the toilets.

Just an observation.

Sammy, I'm so proud of you.

Yeah.

If you could hold
out last night,

you can make it the
whole three months.

Sam, I'm late for a party.

Can you help me
with this zipper?

Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam?

Sam...!

Piano. Piano, Sam.

For God's sake, piano!

Carla?