Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 15 - Don't Paint Your Chickens - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Congratulate the doctor.

I'm doing a piece on the
psychological ramifications

of Ingmar Bergman's later
works for American Film.

Oh, that's great, Fras.

I'd like to read it to you

to see if it's still
accessible to the layman.

May I have your opinion?

Sure. Buy a new suit, get
a haircut and stay home.

Thank you, Carla.

Now, I call the piece



"Ingmar Bergman: Poet
of the Subconscious."

The films of Ingmar Bergman...

Who could forget her
in Casablanca, huh?

No, no...

No, you're thinking
of Ingrid Bergman.

I'm talking about
Ingmar Bergman.

Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?

No, Woody, you're thinking
of Ingmar Johansson.

You mean the guy who
knocked out Floyd Patterson?

No, no, no... Sonny Liston
knocked out Patterson.

Well, then who
knocked out Johansson?

Patterson.

Before Liston?

No, no, Johansson
knocked out Liston.



Who knocked out Patterson?

Was it Ingrid Bergman?

No, Ingrid Bergman...

Shut up! Shut up!

Not one more word.

I came in here to
discuss Ingmar Bergman,

not start an Abbott
and Costello routine.

Actually, I thought it was more
like Martin and Lewis, wasn't it?

You mean Joe Louis?

Oh, he's the one who
knocked out Floyd Patterson.

Then who knocked
out Lou Costello?

Apparently, Ingrid Bergman.

Boy, she was tougher
than she looked.

( piano plays)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

CLIFF: Where's Rebecca?

I haven't seen her all day.

She's down at one of her
power meetings at corporate.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, she must be really
trying to impress a biggie.

She was already puckering
up before she even hit the door.

CLIFF: Boy, these
corporate types...

Down at the post
office, I kneel for nobody.

Hmm.

Well, we'll all bear
that in mind, Cliff,

whenever we desire to
have a job where you have

to wake up at
4:00 in the morning,

walk a 15-mile route, and
make a minimal base salary.

Hey, hey, hey. It's
not that easy, pal.

You got to take a test.

Oh, my God, I've died
and gone to heaven.

We wish.

Shouldn't somebody alert Sammy?

Ah, he knows.

He can sense these things.

I'm going to give
him, three, two, one.

Where is she?

He's slowing down,
but he's still got it.

Hey, give me a break, will ya?

There are lead pipes down there.

Interferes with the radar.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Sam Malone.

Hi, I'm Erin. Ah.

Can I have an Evian, please?

You bet. Thanks.

Tennis player?

Yeah, yeah, but, uh,
I'm more into biking,

running, skiing, rowing, squash.

Hey, what a
coincidence! So am I.

Maybe I could join you sometime.

Nice try, but seriously, I
don't think you're up to it.

( hearty laugh)

Why, just because I got a
couple, five, 15 years on ya?

Sweetheart, you're looking

at a former
professional athlete here.

Yeah, I'm sure you were.

No, I'm serious.
Listen, tell you what.

Punch me in the stomach.

If it hurts me, then
I'm out of here.

If not, we got a date.

Nah...

Come on, come on, come on.

Give it your best shot.

Okay, okay, here goes.

Whoa, you are in good shape.

Yeah, I told you so.

Yeah.

All right. Hey, this is great.

What do you say, tomorrow?

Uh, cycling?

Okay, it sounds like fun.

I'll meet you here at 2:00.

I'll be here, flexing.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Hey, Sam, that girl's
going out with you

just 'cause you let her hit you?

No, she's going out with me because
I'm a lean, tight specimen hunk.

( guffawing): No, really, Sam.

Woody, I'm trying to
teach you something here.

Listen, they go
for it every time.

You ought to try it someday.

All right, for the sake
of argument, I will.

Yeah.

All right, here.

Excuse me. Would you
consider going out with me?

I really don't think so.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what if I told you
you could punch that guy

right there in the stomach?

( speaking quietly)

Oh, yeah, right,
Sam... My stomach.

What do you think I am, stupid?

Well, everyone, you
are looking at a winner.

You were the best kisser-upper?

Gee, what does
that trophy look like?

I did not kiss up.

I gave an interview.

I gave one hell of an interview.

I was tough, I was
insightful, I was witty.

Meryl Streep will
play me in the movie.

You know, I gave them

a million and one ideas
to promote Cheers.

My marketing major
really paid off today.

They couldn't take
their eyes off me.

Were you writing something
down before you went in there?

Yes, I jotted down a few notes.

Were you using a fountain pen?

My lucky fountain pen.

Make that your leaky fountain...

Oh.

I don't believe this!

And I thought they were
really impressed with me,

and they were just staring

at this big, old
stupid ink blot.

It's not that bad, Miss Howe.

It's kind of decorative.

It looks like, uh, a bunny.

No, no, it looks like a spider.

Or a butterfly.

It looks like my parents
having a screaming argument

on my third birthday

when I pretended to
be asleep but wasn't.

Or a butterfly.

Afternoon, everybody.

Yo-ho. ALL: Norm!

Beer, Norm?

Have I gotten that predictable?

Good.

Hey, weren't you supposed
to have a painting job today?

You're right, Cliffie, I did,

but I screwed it up.

Turns out I was supposed
to show up yesterday.

So they went ahead
and hired somebody else.

Like they couldn't open the
restaurant a damn day later.

Well, you know, you might be

the world's greatest
house painter...

Although who would
know the difference?

But, you know, as a businessman,

you really leave a lot
to be desired, you know.

You haven't had a
job in three months.

Cliff, you're absolutely right.

I could do something about that.

Or I could sit right here
and feel sorry for myself

and nurse this beer all day.

And since I'm already here...

Wait a minute.

Here we have a man

who doesn't know how
to promote his business.

And here we have a woman who
knows everything about promotion,

but has never really
been given a chance.

Now, if I can turn a
beer-guzzling nobody

into a successful businessman,

then those guys down
there at corporate will see

that I can do anything.

Uh, much as I love
your pitch, Rebecca...

uh, I'm not comfortable
working with friends.

Oh, forget about friends.

In the cold light of reason,

consider this:

Please, please,
please, for Becky?

Nah, nah, I'd rather
work by myself.

Fine, Norm, fine.

I'll just go back

to what I was doing...

Going over these
delinquent bar accounts.

Whoa.

Now there's a rather
huge one in the "P" section.

Welcome to Team Peterson.

Nothing like bicycling

to clean the garbage
out of your system.

Coffee, Woody.

How do you want it, Sam?

Uh, straight, no
cream, no sugar.

Oh, what the hell...
Forget the water,

just give me a
handful of grounds.

Hey, uh, Sammy,
the old Erin machine's

really tuckering you out, huh?

No, no, I'm fine.

I just need a little
something to pick me up here.

How about six pallbearers?

You guys are just jealous

because I'm toning
and you're not.

I am buff.

I mean I am discovering
muscles I didn't even know I had.

Oh! There's one.

That feels good, that
feels good, though.

Ah! All right, I've
got to go change.

I'm meeting Erin to go jogging.

What's wrong with our lives?

Yeah, we have lousy
jobs with poor pay,

we both waste all our
time sitting on our cans

in this beer hall doing
nothing but watching TV

and gossiping like a
couple of old ladies,

plus everyone
thinks we're dufuses.

Geez, you know, I was just going

to say we could probably
use a little bit more exercise,

but, uh, I'll go along
with what you said.

Oh, Norm, there you are.

Oh, gee, how'd
you track me down?

I got some terrific
ideas for 4-A Painting.

That's what you're going
to call the company, huh?

Yeah, it's an old
marketing secret.

It puts our name first
in the phone book.

How come 4A? Why not 3A?

Because that's the Auto Club.

Wow, they got jumper
cables and they paint houses?

I've got to join that club.

Woody, this is a
business meeting.

Sorry! Next time,
I'll wear a suit.

Anyway... all right.

All successful businesses
and products have logos.

Now, I have come up

with the perfect, delightful,

charming little character
to symbolize 4-A Painting.

It's a lizard.

No, it's Carl Chameleon.

Now, like all chameleons,
Carl changes colors.

And so should your house.

When you think of color change
think of Carl and 4-A Painting.

That sure makes my old
symbol seem like nothing.

What was your old symbol?

Nothing.

All right, Norm,

I gotta computerize
the accounts,

I've gotta get some

advertising set up,

and I gotta get a new

phone line installed.

Whoa, wait, how much
is all this gonna cost me?

Minimal.

$2,000, $3,000 to begin with.

I'm beginning to
think AAAA Painting

is gonna cost me
a-a-a-a fortune.

It's making you stutter, too.

CLIFF: Nah, nah,

but, uh, seems like
Rebecca is costing you

more money than
she's making you.

You thinking of giving
her the old pink slip?

I couldn't do that, Cliff.

FRASIER: Well, you know, Norm,

I think we all agree
that letting somebody go

is the most
painful, difficult task

someone could undertake.

I'll do it.

Carla, this is Norm's problem.
He has to do it himself.

You're absolutely
right, Frasier, and I will.

Carla, go fire Rebecca, please.

No, no, no, nope, Norm,
you've got to do it yourself.

You've got to do it right away.

Otherwise, it'll just
exacerbate the situation.

You can do it, man.

Be dauntless and implacable.

You're bad!

Yeah! Yeah!

Like I'm mean?

Yeah! Yeah!

Like I'm a mean machine?

Yeah! Cooking! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! That's it.

All right!

( all shouting,
roaring, growling)

How'd it go?

Great. Uh...

we found a new voice for Carl.

( growls)

( phone ringing)

Norm, that's our phone.

That's the 4-A hotline.

This is it.

A-A-A-A.

Baby, we're in business!

Just where did your
car break down?

Well, our tow truck

should be there within the
next, uh, 30 to 40 minutes.

Whatever you do, don't leave.

I think I'll cruise by on the
way home and yell something.

Somebody confused
A-A-A-A with A-A-A.

How could that happen?

( phone ringing)

4-A Painting.

You saw our ad in
the phone book first.

Could you hold just a minute?

Somebody wants
to paint something.

Hello. This is Norm Peterson.

( clears throat)
Can we help you?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, yes, yes, sir.

I think, uh, I think
we can handle that.

Yes, thank you very much.

And I'd like to thank you
for making 4-A Painting

your foray into painting.

REBECCA: Well?

Well, we have a job.

Yeah! Yeah! Oh!

A development company has a
small apartment complex, okay?

They're having a
contract problem

with their regular
crew, so we're up. Oh!

Yeah. It's happening.

Well, it's just a
little eight-plex.

Okay? Now don't get crazy.

Norm, Ray Kroc
started McDonald's

with one little
hamburger. Uh-huh.

Colonel Sanders started
with one little chicken.

We are on our way
to the top, Mister.

How does that make you feel?

Makes me feel like
having a Big Mac

and a bucket of wings, actually.

That's my boy.

Well, you poor working stiffs

gonna hang around here

and breathe this
stagnant city air.

Not me, boy. I'm...

I'm gonna go climb
a mountain with Erin.

You want to give me a hand
with this here, please, Fras?

Sure, Sam.

You know, Sam, I
admire you, actually.

Yeah? Most of us live
such sedentary lives.

You're out there
taxing your body.

It's-it's quite an inspiration.

I know, Frasier.

Make me stop.

I tell you, man.

I can't catch my breath anymore.

I mean, all my
muscles are beginning

to form a conspiracy to kill me

because they want
to get some rest.

Here, here, here.
Let's get you out of this.

Oh. Sam, if all this
strenuous exercise

is taxing you that much,
you know, perhaps it's time

to face the passing of the
years and learn to deal with it.

What do you mean?

Admit that I'm 30?

I wouldn't suggest
anything that drastic,

but, uh, maybe
you ought to just,

you know, slow it down a bit.

Hey, Sam,

you ready to go? Listen.

Erin. I ca...

Ooh, good one.

Uh, could you do me a favor?

Sit down here, uh...

Listen, sweetheart.

I-I'm not gonna go,

uh, climbing the
mountain with you.

What's up?

I guess I better
be honest with you.

It's just that all
this physical activity

we've been engaging in,

it's just too much for... you.

I mean, come on,
I'm a guy who likes

to go, go, go. ( snaps fingers)

And, uh, sweetheart,

you're just slowing me
down a little bit. I'm sorry.

Sam, I'm really kind of
relieved to hear you say that.

I guess I need to go

and find myself a guy
who wants to just join me

in a nice, hot bubble bath

and lie in bed with
me all evening.

See ya.

Gee, that was, uh, sort
of ironic, wasn't it, Sam?

I'm gonna go home

and take a little nap.

Maybe ease into a bubble bath,

or a wheelchair.

Life is hot and so
am I. ( phone ringing)

( makes sizzling noise)

Miss Howe, phone for you.

Should I take a message?

Just do it, babe.

That's my motto.

Women on the rise make calls,

they don't take calls.

Miss Howe, guess who's
the new director of advertising.

Oh, God, really?

That's right, Henry
Weinberg. You know him?

Henry "5'3'-too-stupid-
to-shake-the-dandruff-

off-his-glasses" Weinberg?

They didn't mention
his middle name.

Well!

There is some crap up
with which I will not put.

Well, I guess with 4-A on the
verge of making a breakthrough,

this is just the kick
in the pants I needed.

I am going to go up to
corporate headquarters,

I'm going to go
to the top floor,

and I am going to tell
the CEO himself what

I think of him and
his stinky company.

NORM: Whoa, no, Rebecca,

don't you think
you ought to wait

till we have at least two jobs?

No.

I believe in you, Norm.

I believe in me.

I'm doing it, babe.

That's still my motto.

Excuse me, Sam.

( phone ringing)

Now, what is it about
Rebecca's history

that makes me think this
is going to be bad news?

4-A Painting.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I knew that.

Yeah, well, thanks, anyway.

Damn, damn, damn.

What's the matter, Norm?

Well, that was the developer.

They signed with their
painters and we're out.

CLIFF: So, uh...

you gonna chase Rebecca
down before she quits her job?

I guess I really should, huh?

CLIFF: But then again,

she hates her job, so, well,

well, is it gonna be
that bad if they can her?

Maybe you're right.

I mean, what's the
worst that could happen?

I don't know, just
find somebody else

to run the bar, that's all.

Right.

Oh, my God.

My bar tab could fall
into the wrong hands.

Sammy, nice socks, man.

( coughing)

My God.

Are you all right?

I just ran.

Up 40 flights of stairs?

God, no. Just from the elevator.

Is this the CEO's office?

Yes, but he's busy.

Well, I've got to get in there.

Well, you can't.

Well, I've got to. I'm sorry.

Security.

( chuckles): Right.

Lady, by the time
your 80-year-old

geezer security
guard gets up here,

I could have busted
into that office,

sang the entire score
from Barber of Seville,

and been on my merry way.

Trouble?

Not if I leave this instant, no.

You tell Japan I can
play hardball, too.

Just do it.

Do it.

( phone hangs up)

Hey, that's my motto.

Now, Miss Harris,

I hear you're looking for
a job with the company.

My name's Miss Howe and I
already work for the company.

Then everything's
settled, show yourself out.

But-But-But-But I
had something to say.

Make it quick.

Mr. Anawalt, I have worked

for this company
for six years now.

For four of those,
I didn't get a raise.

Now not less than 36
people have passed me

on the corporate ladder.
( mechanical whirring)

Oh, my God.

What's that?

Evidently, an out-of-work
window washer.

Well, you have to
admire his initiative.

So, you've worked here six years

and you've been
treated like hell. Hmm.

But I've never been
happier in my life.

And I'd never want anything

to change.

Thank you for letting
me get that off my chest.

Damn it.

I'm doing it.

Mr. Anawalt, I have something
else to say, and this is it.

You wouldn't know a
good marketing executive

if one came up and
bit you on the butt.

Now I am better and smarter

than 50% of the
people that work here,

and if you can't see that
then you are blind or a buffoon.

Take your pick.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to get back to Cheers

where I am sure all
my personal belongings

will be waiting for me in
a Hefty bag on the street.

Miss Howe.

What do you want now?

You have a lot of nerve
talking to me like that.

This company was built on nerve.

Not enough young
people have the guts

to stand up and say
what they're really thinking.

I've been looking for that
brave child who wouldn't

be afraid to say, "The
emperor has no clothes."

He's nude, sir.

Buck naked.

You think you could handle
a triple-raise in salary?

Oh, yes, sir.

You think you could handle

an executive position
with my marketing team?

Yes, sir.

Think you could start Monday?

Yes, sir.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, yes, sir.

Sir, th-this is a dream
come true for me.

( knocking at door) Yes?

FBI.

Mr. Anawalt,
you're under arrest.

What's the charge?

Insider trading.

Come on, let's go.
Take him downtown.

No! Read him his rights.

You have the right to
remain silent. Get those files.

Anything you say can
and will... You can't do this.

This man is innocent.

No, they have me dead to rights.

Oh... Mr. Anawalt.

Mr. Anawalt.

I'll wait for you, sir.

I'll be standing right
here, waiting for you.

( thunder crashes)

I think I am the
unluckiest person on earth.

( rain pattering)