Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 9 - Pudd'n Head Boyd - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Whoo! Sorry I'm late.

Boy, you will not believe

what happened to me.

I made a right-hand
turn onto Boyleston

and ran right into
this stupid parade.

Then my car backfired,
and scared the tar

out of these two cute
little poodles in tutus

who were dancing by.

Dancing poodles.

Yeah.



Anyway, the dogs
spooked and ran away,

and this cute little girl in
blue sequins ran after them

right in front of this
little car full of clowns

that swerved to
miss her, and the car

ran right in front
of this elephant,

the elephant reared up,

threw this swami guy off
that was riding on his tusk.

Sam,

this is the lamest excuse
you have ever given me.

Why don't you just say,

"I'm sorry,
Rebecca, I overslept.

It won't happen again"?

It really makes me...

I'm sorry, Rebecca,
I just overslept.



It won't happen again.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Frasier, I'm
double-parked outside.

Finish your drink and let's go.

Oh, in a minute; I
just touched my glass.

Don't balk, jelly bear.

I'm not balking, moon pie.

I'm simply trying
to finish my drink.

You'd understand

if you had as trying
a day as I've had.

The kind of day you've had?

Lord, if I hear one more yuppie

snivel about his inability
to love, I'll smack him.

Boo, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

I saw nine clients
today with no lunch.

I saw ten.

15 if you count
multiple personalities.

Oh, yeah, well, you...

Come on, please.

You're a little tense;
you got to relax,

take a few days off.

You know, maybe a
vacation, or something?

Vacation? Ha!

You make it sound so easy, Sam.

As if one could just
pick up just like that.

We are professionals,

with commitments
and obligations.

Our patients depend upon us.

I'll clear my
schedule if you will.

Nassau or St. Thomas?

Let's go talk to
the travel agent.

There you go.

Have a good time.

Has anybody seen Woody?

He was scheduled
to be here at 6:00.

He's going to be late.

Good God, people.

I don't even know why I bother

to prepare a work schedule.

Everybody just comes and
goes as they damn well please.

Yeah, he, uh, he did
send these, though.

"I'm sorry I'm late.

Please dock my pay."

Now, this is the way to be late.

Where is the little...

anyway?

I don't know.

Oh, no, Sam.

I've been a mother

for 18 years.

When someone says
"I don't know" like that,

they know.

Cough it up, or I'm going to
get it out of you another way.

I don't know; I'm
telling you the tru...

Oh, a-a-all right, all
right, all right, all right.

Uh, he's auditioning for a play.

A play? Yeah.

Hicky McHick from
Hicksville wants to act?

He's been hanging out
at this little local playhouse

and, you know, doing
all the odds and ends.

Sweeping, cleaning toilets...

Everything no one
else wants to do.

I wonder if Woody'd like
to act over at my house?

Yeah.

Uh, hey, wait, here he comes.

He's very sensitive about this.

Don't say anything
about his acting.

Hey, everybody. Hey, Woody.

If I knew you wanted
a "role" so badly,

I would have
stopped at the bakery.

Sam!

I'm sorry.

But how'd the audition go?

Great. Said my lines
faster than anyone else.

Yeah, Woodman,
when did you get bit

by the old acting bug?

Oh, back in high
school in Hanover.

I was in the chorus of
the senior class production

of Hello, Donald.

Isn't that... isn't
that Hello, Dolly?

Oh, no, no... They had
to change the name.

Donald Wexler was the only
guy who could sing the part.

So, what's this, uh,
play you tried out for?

Well, it's a brand-new one.

It's called Authors in Hell.

I'm hoping to play
either Mark Twain,

one of the guys from the
Algonquin Round Table

or Satan.

But heck, I'd be just as happy

playing a fire-
breathing incubus.

They get to stay onstage
the whole four hours.

Hey, hey, that's my
director, Grif Palmer.

This must mean I got the part.

Or that he's thirsty.

Hi, Mr. Palmer.

Can I get you a drink?

No, thanks.

I got the part!

Woody, you're a
multitalented young man.

I didn't get the part?

Well, you know, I've
tried out so many times,

and I've never gotten a part.

Maybe I'm just wasting
my time in the theater.

Come on, Woody,
don't give up so easily.

Once upon a time,
there was a young man

named Grif Palmer
who also auditioned

for many a role
that he didn't get.

As many as me?

Well, no.

Wait, wait, I've got a thought.

What would you say if I told you

I've selected a fresh, new face

to understudy the
role of Mark Twain?

I think you'll be
hearing his name

quite a bit from now
on... Mr. Woody Boyd.

Hey, that's me!

Hey, everybody,

I'm going to be an understudy!

Hey, all right.

All right, Wood.

That's good.

Woody, this isn't
going to interfere

with your job, is it?

Gee, I don't think so.

Well... yeah.

I'm sorry, Woody, I
need you here nights.

Miss Howe, this is
my golden chance.

I have to do this.

Don't you understand,
I just gotta do it!

I just gotta!

That was really good, man.

Can I talk to you
just a second here?

Let him do it.

I would love to,
but I need him here.

Well, he'll be here.

You saw that performance.

They're not going
to let him go on.

Break a leg, Woody.

All right!

Welcome to the theater, Woody.

To the ranks of the
Lunts and the Oliviers.

To a profession rife with style,

with history, with dignity.

To a calling I only hope

will bring you as much
joy as it has brought me.

Hi. Hello.

You know Grif Palmer?

Yeah. He's the janitor
at my kids' school.

Hello, good-mannered
and agreeable children.

Hey, everybody,

look who's here.

It's that famous
actor Robert De Zero.

Uh, Carla, it's me, Woody.

Woody,

you have been coming in here

dressed in that ridiculous
getup for three weeks.

Now, when are you going
to stop this nonsense?

Carla, as an understudy,
I have to be dressed

and ready to go on
at a moment's notice.

Putting on makeup
like this can take hours.

But I wouldn't expect
you to understand.

Why, 'cause I'm
not in the theater?

No, because you
don't wear makeup.

Huckleberry alert.

Hey, Mark Twit!

Woody, would you

run upstairs and
get some change?

Ones and fives.

New bills if they've got them.

"Uh, let us not
be too particular.

"It is better to have

old secondhand
diamonds than none at all."

Do you think you could manage it

without any quotes?

"I could do it as easy
as falling off a log."

Woody, just do it!

"When angry, count four.

When very angry, swear."

Damn it! There you go.

Sam, run upstairs and
get me some change.

Aw, come on, that's a
junior bartender's job.

You are the junior bartender.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm-I'm working
my way up, you know?

Pretty soon, I might
even own my own bar.

Good evening, ma'am.

Oh, hello, there.

Oh, thank you.

I'm blind as a bat
without glasses.

I've never seen a
bat with glasses.

That's funny.

Yeah, I can imagine.

I believe it might rain soon.

"One of the brightest gems
of the New England weather

is the dazzling
uncertainty of it."

Well, what can you do?

"Everybody talks
about the weather,

but no one ever does
anything about it."

Uh, may I have a glass
of white wine, please?

Wine.

White wine.

Uh... let's see, now.

They have a lot of wine in
San Francisco, don't they?

Oh, I suppose they do.

"One of the coldest
winters I ever spent

was summer in San Francisco."

Sorry, that's as
close as I could get.

You're rather amusing.

Well, thanks.

But I've been
quoting Mark Twain.

I know; I think that's amusing.

And, uh, I suppose
that you've been told

that you look
something like him.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

You know, you look a
little bit like Emily Dickinson.

She's one of the
authors in hell.

Oh, that's an unkind
assumption, sir.

Although she's never been
one of my favorites, either.

Here's your change.

And, oh, yeah, a little
something for you here.

What is it?

One of the shrimps
from up at the buffet table.

Ew!

You're lucky.

My first choice was an oyster.

So was mine, but I hired you.

I haven't seen you
in here before, have I?

Uh, no, I don't

get around much since my
husband, Lloyd, passed away.

We used to come by here

every evening during our walk,

but, uh, Lloyd
never let us come in.

He got jealous when I
was around other men.

I can see why.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Oh, I think you're blushing.

Oh, it's the wine.

Although as Mark Twain said,

"Man is the only
animal that blushes."

"Or needs to."

All aboard the S.S. Delmonico.

Embarking at 0900
hours for Nassau,

St. Thomas, Martinique,

and other exotic ports of call.

So you took my advice, huh?

Yes. As of close
of business today,

it's just us.

A couple of fun-loving
swabbies lost at sea.

We'll be todo incomunicado.

No business, no clients,

no phone call...

Lilith, we promised no beepers.

I won't give it up
without a fight.

You'll have to
perform a strip search.

The vacation has begun.

Now hear this.

Hear this, Sternin.

Prepare to be boarded.

Folks, I have a bit of bad news

that may affect a lot of you.

I'm not going to
beat around the bush,

I'm just going to come
right out and say it.

Last call.

Well, what the heck, maybe I'll

give Vera a thrill and go
home a little early tonight.

Although, you know,

she did look kind
of thrilled when I left.

Excuse me, Mary, uh...

listen, I'll be
back in a second,

and then... then
I'll see you home.

Oh, that's all right.

But thank you.

I've had a wonderful evening.

Well, I have, too.

I really enjoyed your company.

You're a very nice lady.

And you're a lovely gentleman.

And may I add, you have
the most glorious head of hair

I've seen on any man
since my Lloyd died.

Gee, I hate to disappoint you,

but this is a wig.

Yes. So was Lloyd's.

Um, pardon me, ma'am,

uh, but that adorable
bartender over there.

Woody? Uh, yes.

Is he keeping company
with anyone in particular?

Not that I know of.

Well, I think he's very special.

Well, I guess that's the
nicest way of putting it.

Good night. Night.

Oh, Woods.

You know that dust in a dress
you've been yakking with?

Mary?

You didn't, by any
chance, happen to tell her

that you're wearing old man
makeup for a play, did you?

That sort of thing
is pretty hard

to work into polite
conversation.

With your makeup,
and the lighting in here,

and those Mr. Magoo
glasses of hers...

I think she got the wrong idea.

She's got the hots for you.

Carla, you're crazy.

She's just a sad old woman

who needed someone to talk to.

You of all people
should understand that.

There's no way
she's gonna go for me.

I mean, in order for her
to fall in love with me,

I'd have to be the best
darn actor in Boston.

Oh, no,

I'm the best darn
actor in Boston.

Hello, mon.

I'm sorry, uh, Limbo
Night's Tuesday, man.

Hey, mon, you stop
bad mouth styling,

or I'm gonna have to
bop you on the head

with a banana boat, mon.

Frasier, please

cut the calypso.

Isn't it enough the cabdriver
already took a swing at you?

You guys look like
you had a good time.

We had oodles of fun.

And we lost a combined
11 pounds to boot.

Wait, you lost
weight on a cruise?

I heard there were
wall-to-wall meals.

There were also
wall-to-wall waves.

Yes.

Well, fortunately,

after three days of
giving Chef Hugo's

fine cuisine back to the sea,

we were fitted with these
little, uh, ear patches.

They seemed to do the trick.

And put us to sleep
for the rest of the trip.

So you guys spent
seven days and nights

snoozing and barfing your
way through the Caribbean?

And we've never felt

slimmer and more refreshed.

Well, what say we go
get some lunch there,

my little marine melon?

Anything you want.

Just promise me you won't

refer to the
waitress as "Sista."

♪ Day-o ♪

♪ Day-ay-ay-o ♪

♪ Daylight come, and
me wanna home. ♪

You're not the only one.

Oh, hey, Woody.

I thought your, uh, play closed.

It did, last night.

Oh, so, uh...

what's with the old geezer drag?

I was with Mary.

Another date, huh?

It wasn't a date.

I just took her to lunch, then
a movie, and then dancing.

Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody.

Man, this is crazy.

You, you know, you've
been out with Mary

every night this week.

You can't spend your life
dressed up like Mark Twain.

Why not? He did.

Oh, Sam, I... I don't
know what to do.

I've tried to tell her,
but every time I do,

she just stares at me

with those big lonely eyes.

I mean, who'd have
thought that my God-given

acting talent was gonna
turn out to be a curse?

Are we voting?

You got to nip this in the bud.

Yeah, I agree there, Woody.

A young, such as yourself,

to be spending so much
time with an older woman is

eh, it's just unnatural.

Yeah, well, how
about you, Cliff?

You spend lots of
time with your mother,

and she's old.

My ma's not old,

and she's never
gonna die before I do,

so just shut up, okay?!

Hey, hey, Woods.

Mary just came in.

Maybe you should get
her a glass or something.

She doesn't drink
in the afternoon.

No, I mean to put her teeth in.

Hi, Mary.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to see you again.

Yeah.

Look, can we sit down?

I'd like to talk
with you a second.

All right.

Listen, I...

I know how lonely you've
been since Lloyd passed away.

Oh, how lonely I was.

I'm not anymore.

You know,

loneliness is highly underrated.

It's one of the few things
left that you can still do alone.

Did Mark Twain say that?

No, but I'm kind of
running out of his material.

There's something
I want to give you.

It's Lloyd's watch.

Oh.

I want you to have it.

No, I couldn't. Oh, please.

Ah, gee, thanks, Mary.

Would you excuse
me for a second?

Sure.

Oh, wait.

I just want to memorize
the way you look in this light.

Go ahead.

Sam, I don't know what to do.

Now she's memorizing
the way I look

in different kinds of light.

Oh, I don't know, Woody.
Women do that all the time.

Yeah, and she gave me
her dead husband's watch.

You could do a lot worse.

Listen, you got to end this.

Right now, go on.

I don't know how.

You know, I-I can't
stand the thought

of hurting somebody's feelings.

I know.

Carla, you've been
dumped a million times.

What's the best way to do it?

You know, the only reason
I'm not cleaning your clock

is because you remind
me of Jed Clampett.

Listen, you are not dumping her.

You're leveling with her.

Now, it's-it's the only
honest thing to do.

Now, go on, be a man. Do it.

You're right, Sam.

It's time I stood
on my own two feet

and did what's right. Right.

Will you come with me?

This is something you
got to do by yourself.

I can't.

Well, I-I'm not
gonna do it, Woody.

Please, Sam,

I can't do this by myself.

You've got to help me.

All right, all right.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you.

You believe I'm
just an understudy?

Um, Mary, Yes.

Woody wants to
tell you something.

Well, um...

Mary, you see...

Uh...

I mean, you know, uh, how...

I don't suppose there's
any chance you understand

what I'm talking about yet.

Actually, I do.

Let me explain
something to you, Woody.

I'm a very lonely woman
since I lost my husband.

My family lives out of state.

I never see my grandchildren,

and most of my friends

have moved or passed away.

Seems my days
are so hard to fill.

I swear, there are mornings

when it didn't seem
worthwhile getting out of bed.

A-And then I met
you... Stop. Stop.

Will you marry me?

Heavens, no.

I'm three times your age.

You know that I'm young?

Well, Woody, I may be
old, but I'm not stupid.

Well, why didn't
you ever tell me this?

Well, I enjoyed your company so.

And besides, every
time I wanted to,

you started quoting "The
Jumping Frog of Calaveras County"

Now, I hope you're
not upset with me.

Oh, are you kidding?

I'm just glad I didn't
have to dump you.

And besides, you had
such fun playing the part,

and you were quite excellent.

You sure you don't
want to marry me?

Ah, no, Woody.

Well, will you be my grandma?

Uh, well, maybe a favorite aunt.

It's a deal.

My birthday is July 23rd.

I just gave you the watch.

By the way,

we're still on for pot
roast on Saturday.

Leave the wig at home.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Well, I guess in
a really weird way,

it kind of worked
out, didn't it?

Huh?

Yeah. I'm still a
little depressed.

Why?

Well, I mean,

Mary knows I'm a good actor,

but now that Authors
in Hell is closed,

I'm not gonna get to
show the rest of the world.

Oh, yeah.

You know what,

I got an idea.

Why don't you do it right here?

Hop right up there,
and show the...

show the whole bar.

I don't know.

All right.

Gather 'round, everybody.

I'm going to do Authors in Hell.

I mean, if that's all right
with you, Miss Howe.

Well, I was planning to wait
for the movie, but go ahead.

Imagine if you will

a huge book opens up,

and I... Mark Twain... step out.

I am surrounded by various
tormented American writers.

And Satan.

The lights dim.

Persons attempting

to find a motive
in this narrative

will be prosecuted.

Persons attempting

to find a moral in it

will be banished.

Persons attempting
to find a plot in it

will be shot.

Woody, go on.

Well, I just sit here and smoke.

I don't talk again till
the middle of act four.