Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 8 - Bidding on the Boys - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Woody, here's your dinner.

Oh, thanks, Carla.

Boy, I'm going to be glad
when I drop this double load.

My veins are killing me.

Your veins, huh?

Yeah, varicose veins.

I had them stripped
twice already.

How do they do that?

Surgically.

They cut a hole



in your leg, and
they pull the vein out.

No kidding?

Yeah, it's like pulling
a long, slimy worm

out of you flesh.

Gee, imagine that.

Can you believe maintaining
that postcoital tristesse

is gender oriented.

Do you mind, Dr. Crane?

I'm trying to eat.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪



♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Woody, does it look
like we're going to get

a good turnout for our auction?

Oh, yeah.

I'll bet by now there
isn't anyone in Boston

who doesn't know about it.

What auction? We're
having an auction?

It's terrific.

It's a benefit for
Children's Hospital.

All these women get together

and they bid for an
evening on the town

with eligible bachelors.

Local celebrities, athletes.

They raise a lot of money,
they do it every year,

and it's a great deal of fun.

Where'd you hear about it?

I must have been to one once.

Anyway, I told Mr. Drake...

Who'd you bid on?

I told Mr. Drake

I thought it would
be great publicity

for Cheers. Who'd you bid on?

And since it's for a
good cause, he agreed...

Who'd you bid on?

A hairy linebacker.

Are you satisfied?

Ooh. Oh!

Were you?

The point is,

Mr. Drake thinks
it's a great idea.

Woody...

So, Sammy, you going to
be taking part in this auction?

Are you kidding me?

I hate that stuff.

It's one thing

for guys to bid
on chicks, but...

that's sick.

You know, as a matter of fact...

Here you go.

Excuse me.

Listen, I'm going to save
you the embarrassment

of asking and then
being turned down.

I'm not going to be
doing your auction.

So just forget it. No way.

Not me.

Fine.

We need to create a stage.

I think right there

as you walk in the door...

Hey, what's "fine"
supposed to mean?

Well, it means I hadn't planned
to ask you in the first place.

Oh, well, good, good.

'Cause I really don't
care for that stuff.

All right.

We need a podium.

Because the emcee is going to be

standing at the podium,

and all the women will
be standing around...

Excuse me, one more time here.

Why...

why hadn't you
planned on asking me?

Well, I guess I
just don't find you

as irresistible as some do.

You, for instance.

But if you want to participate,
you're perfectly welcome...

No, hey, forget it.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter
to me either way.

I'm only doing this for charity.

You know, Vera has that
carved on our headboard.

So we're agreed then, right?

Just plain simple
gold wedding bands.

With an exquisite
marquise diamond on mine

so we can tell them apart.

You give me such glee.

Here we are.

Sit here, my betrothed.

I'll go get us
something to drink,

and, oh, uh, exchange
a few lies with my buds.

I understand.

Your daily dose of male bonding.

Well, not for much longer.

You know what's are breaking
up that old gang of mine.

As a guess, I'd say
hypertension and cirrhosis.

You're irrepressible.

Sam, champagne, please.

Ah, guys.

Norm, Cliff.

Won't be long now
before the boys of the bar

are going to have to
manage without me.

Can do.

Yeah, no sweat, Fras.

Champagne, huh?

Well, wild romance
is a fictive term

with no correlation

to any actual
physiological behavior.

We, nevertheless, like
to humor convention

by going through with
these preposterous rituals.

Champagne, huh?

Hey, Frasier, can I
ask you something?

When you and Lilith
wake up in the morning,

which one of you
is the first to scream,

"What have I done?"

Well, my darling,

to us.

Thank you, darling.

It's been a lovely evening.

You've revealed previously
unsuspected depths

of romanticism.

Well, Lilith, we
have a whole lifetime

of romantic
evenings ahead of us,

but for now, we've got to plan.

We don't have much time.

We've got to get
the wedding license,

have blood tests, see the lawyer

draw up the
prenuptial agreement,

invite the guests...

Excuse me.

What prenuptial agreement?

Well, wherein we decide what
you are or are not entitled to

in event of a divorce.

It's merely a safeguard.

You're already
planning for the divorce?

Have you selected
my cemetery plot also?

Well, assuming we stay together,

you'll be right between
me and Cousin Lemuel.

I cannot believe my ears.

This is your idea of romance?

Lilith, man does not
live by romance alone.

He also needs
hardheaded practicality.

If your head was any
harder, it would etch glass.

Where are you going?

I have no intention

of spending the
rest of the evening,

let alone the rest of my life,

with a compulsive, anal
retentive, chowderhead.

Now, Lilith,

let's just both stop right now

before we say something
to spoil the mood.

Why don't you go make
love to your accountant.

You know, if more people
followed that advice,

this world would be
such a happier place.

You know, I just figured out

what you're doing here.

You're using reverse psychology.

You really want me to
be in that auction of yours,

so you're pretending
that you don't,

am I right?

I don't care if
you're in the auction.

I don't care if you're
not in the auction.

Yeah, right.

I have never felt more
honestly and passionately

indifferent about
anything in my life.

I really don't care.

All right, okay, you win.

I'm volunteering, all right?

150. Do I hear 200?

200.

I hear 200.

275.

Three.

Okay, I have 300.

Anybody give me 350? I want 350.

No. Okay,

300 it is.

Going once... going twice...

Sold for $300!

Okay, okay, I'm
going to let you gals

take a breather while
we get the next big hunk

up here on the block.

Boy, oh boy, you can
call me a traditionalist,

call me out of
step with the times,

but I prefer to get my
women the old-fashioned way.

In a plain brown wrapper?

Ah, women.

They can talk all they
like about romance,

but what it really comes down to

is just pure animal lust.

Is that supposed to refer to me?

If the shoe fits.

Things a little strained
between you two?

Oh, why should
you ask that, Sam?

Just because she's
a pigheaded witch?!

So you two kids set a date yet?

This is great.

We're just $2,000 away
from breaking the record.

How many guys do we have left?

Just Sammy.

Oh, well.

There's always next year.

$2,000?

Oh, gee, I might actually
have to comb my hair.

Come on, you guys,

there's no way he
can get that by himself.

God, if we just
had one more hunk.

All right, all right, all right.

Mr. Clavin, that is a
really sweet gesture...

but, um...

isn't there some
regulation against, uh...

government employees in uniform

participating in
this kind of a thing?

Oh, that is a
very salient point,

and one which I came
within a hair of overlooking.

I thank you.

I shudder to think what
might have happened.

We all do.

Woody. Woody, what about you?

You're young, single, cute.

Come on, Woody, what do you say?

Oh, gosh, Miss Howe, I...

Oh, come on.

Come on, buddy.

I don't know, I'm going
to have to give this

some very serious thought.

There isn't time.

That's okay. I'm
finished. I'll do it.

Good!

All right, man.

Shucks. I hope I'm
not making a mistake.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Being gawked at
and herded around

like a prized pig.

Gee, now that
you put it like that.

Yeah, sounds great.

Now we have a little
bonus for you ladies.

Please welcome our
next eligible bachelor...

Mr. Woody Boyd!

Good evening, ladies.

I happen to be a very good
chef, and your evening with me

will be a wonderful
home-cooked country meal

with all the fixin's from
my native land, Indiana.

And let me just mention

my special ingredient...

Pork.

And please remember,
this is for charity.

Who'll start the bidding at 100?

$100.100.

125.125.

Excuse me. 200.

I have 200.

Do I hear 250?

Uh, you know, I think pork
might actually be out of season.

250!

275.

Three.

I have 300. Do I hear 325?

I'm going to go out
on a limb here, Cliffie,

and say this is not
her first time in a bar.

I have $325. Do I hear 350?

350.

375.

Four.

I have 400. Do I hear 450?

450.

You can't do that.

Okay...

400. Going once...

going twice...

Sold to the lady
right over there.

How do you do?

You better be good.

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, will you excuse me a minute?

I have to do a couple
things before we go.

Cute little gal there, Woody.

Is it me, or is
she a little scary?

Woody,

the electric chair
is a little scary.

Hey, you know,
um, 400's not bad.

Now Sam only has to reach 1,600

to break the record.

The day any woman
pays 1,600 for Malone,

I'll tattoo his name on my butt.

Sammy,

quick, loan me 1,600 bucks.

And now, our grand finale.

Former Red Sox great Sam Malone!

Come on up here, Sam. Yeah!

The big gun! Whoo!

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies, let's see.

Your enchanted evening with me

will begin with a
leisurely sunset drive

up to a small,
secluded oceanside inn,

where we will enjoy

a candlelit, romantic
dinner for two.

Yes, yes.

And then this being the
beginning of the weekend,

who knows where
dinner will lead?

Well, okay.

Does anyone want
to start the bidding

at, uh, say, $100?

I meant $250.

$250!

I have 250.

300!

I have $300. Do I have $400?

500!

We're rolling now! I see you...

575.575.

Do we hear $600? 600.

Do I hear 650? You were saying?

Okay, we have $600.
Come on, ladies,

loosen those purse strings.

They stopped at $600.

Uh, no problem. $650!

Carla, where are
you going to get $650?

Don't need it.

700.

See? All you got to do

is goose the
bidding a little bit

when it starts going down.

$900!

900! $900.

Now, do we have 950?

Come on, ladies...
Hot stuff here!

I have 900. Do I hear 950?

That's it; they're
not going any higher.

No problem. 950!

Carla. I hear 950.

$1,000!

I have $1,000!

You can keep
'em going all night.

$1,100!

1,100! We are rolling!

1,200!

1,200!

Do I have 1,250? 1,250, anyone?

Oh, come on, now, ladies.

1,250!

$1,250!

Well, well, well.

$1,300. Do I hear $1,300?

That sly Rebecca, huh?

Quite a date you're
passing up, here, ladies.

I said 1,250.

Do I hear 1,300?

Come on, now, ladies.

You heard the young lady.

Will anyone say 13?

Not me. I'm out.

She wants him more than I do.

1,250 going once...

No, please, please...

Going twice... Please.

1,250, going for the last time.

I bid $2,000.

Sold!

Yes, we broke the
record, Mr. Drake.

Sam, all by himself,

got $2,000.

Well, thank you very much.

Good-bye...

Mr. Drake.

Okay, well, here you go.

It's called Larry's
Sanitary Tattoo.

Make sure you ask for Frank.

He likes to do it the
old-fashioned way.

You'll scream a lot.

What do you think you're doing?

Helping charity.

Don't worry, it's just some
money I had put aside

to buy you a ring.

You are not actually
going to go off with Sam

to some inn on the
Cape for the weekend?

Why not? Did we have

a prenuptial agreement
to the contrary?

No, of course not.

Sam,

I understand we're
going to the Cape.

I'll just bring the car around.

We can stop at my place,

and I'll throw some
things in a bag.

Actually, Lilith,

you know, that
won't be necessary.

Perhaps not, but I
believe in being prepared.

I hope you do, too.

Wha-ho!

Sammy, looks like you're
going to get your lobster boiled.

Ah, no, I'm not.

She's just doing
that to bug Frasier.

Well, you know, you could
always trade with Woody.

I don't think her
intentions are honorable.

Sam, Sam, I...

I-I've got to talk to you.

You can't go through with this.

Come on, man, she's just
doing it to make you jealous.

Oh, God, I'm losing her, Sam.

Oh, would you stop that?

You're my friend.

I'm never going to take
a woman away from you.

What about Diane?

And didn't God punish
me with a vengeance?

Well, yes, but gee whiz, Sam...

Oh, come on.

Listen, wait a minute.

There's got to be...

You know, I'll tell you what.

You know, this ought
to be a chance for me

to bring the two of
you together again.

What do you mean?

Well, all right, l-listen.

I'll pretend to go along
with the date, right?

I'll rent the room,
I'll get some wine,

and then I'll tell her
how great you are,

and then pow,
you burst in on us.

I do? Yeah. Yeah, why not?

I mean, you
followed us up there.

It'll prove how crazy
you are about her.

She'll be putty in your hands.

Well, it has a certain panache.

Yeah, here you go.

Here's the address.

Now, uh, be up there by 9:00,

and, uh, just throw
me out of there, man.

Show me no mercy.

By God, I'll send you packing!

All right.

Ready to go, Sam?

Yes, yes, you bet, yes, sirree.

Coming.

I'm eager to get
somewhere we can be alone.

Oh, not half as eager as I am.

My God, look at
that, Cliffie, will you?

She's smoked about
eight packs of cigarettes.

Where does all the smoke go?

I'm waiting to see
where it comes out.

You guys got any
last-minute advice for me?

Yeah, leave a trail
of bread crumbs.

A little more bubbly here?

Whatever you suggest, Sam.

I'm agreeable to
anything you suggest.

Ah, well, good, good, good,
because, um, quite frankly,

I'd like to talk just a little
bit more about Frasier.

You know, uh, one of the, uh,

qualities that I
admire most about him

is his reliability.

He's always

very punctual, isn't he?

Frasier, Schmasier.

Let's have some fun.

Heck of a guy,
Frasier, I'll tell you.

A lot of, uh,
remarkable qualities...

Uh... you know,

he's, uh, he's faithful,
he-he's devoted...

And he's, uh, musical, too.

Very musical guy, you know?

He's always, uh,
whistling something

or singing some tune.

Or making that...

that funny little

chirping noise he
makes with his lips.

What are you doing?

It's too bright.

Talk about bright.

I tell you, uh...

Frasier's just about the
brightest guy I've ever met.

You don't mind if we turn
some of these back on, do you,

in case we want to
read later, or something?

Hey, you know, Frasier
reads a lot, doesn't he?

Sam, we've talked
enough about Frasier.

Let's talk about you.

Oh, me, well, I'm just a...

an ordinary guy who happens to

respect and admire

the hell out of
Frasier, I'll tell you.

Smell good?

You bet; I sniff him every
time he comes in the bar.

Listen to that music.

Makes me want to
do uninhibited things.

Well, you know, that just
about wraps up our date here.

Uh, I hope you don't feel
ripped off, or anything,

but I think we ought
to be getting back.

What's your hurry, sailor?

Well, I just thought that, uh...

All right, good, good, good.

Yeah, check around the bed

and make sure you
haven't left anything there.

Uh, then, uh, you know,

to tell you the truth,
it's getting kind of late.

I'd like to, uh, I'd
like to drive back.

What are you, uh...?

That's very funny.

Lilith, may I, may I
have my keys, please?

Lilith, stop it; I'm serious.

Lilith, I want my...

Lilith, I-I... don't...

I'm very serious, now.

Listen to the tone of my voice.

Give me my car keys.

Oh, don't...

Why do you want to go back?

We have such a nice room here.

Nice? I wouldn't
let a dog sleep here.

Maybe the curtains
aren't that bad.

Feel that music, Sam.

Lift me down.

Oh, all right. Oh! Oh!

Dance with me.

Uh, I don't think that's
such a good idea.

Well, maybe just a little bit.

Do you know what I
always have the urge to do

whenever I see you, Sam?

Uh, please don't tell me.

Unbutton your shirt.

Oh, oh, well...

Uh, boy, they didn't,
uh, set the clocks back

and forget to tell me, did they?

Did you read Lady
Chatterley's Lover?

Uh, Lady Chatterley's Lover?

Uh, yes, as a matter
of fact, I did read that.

Or parts of it, at least.

I have the strangest desire

to twine flowers
in your chest hair,

then deflower you.

Listen, Lilith, uh...

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, boy. Mmm...

Aha! I found you...

kissing!

Got her all warmed
up for you, there, Fras.

And yourself in
the process, I see.

Oh, come on. Well, let's

just step outside, settle
this like gentlemen.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, man.

At least do me the honor
of pulling up your pants.

All right, I will.

All right.

Now, what is going on here?

I might ask you the same.

Look, I'll ask the
questions around here!

Would you two stop
sniping, for goodness sake?

Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look?

You two were
actually going to...

Oh, of course not.

That was only for your sake.

What? You mean you
knew I was coming?

Frasier, darling,
yin to my yang,

I know your mind
as I know my own.

Of course I knew you'd come.

I knew you could do no other.

Besides, I could hear
your muffler behind us

all the way up Route 3.

And what a joke on me.

What a cruel,
wonderful joke on me.

Why, Lilith, why?

Because I was angry

about that prenuptial agreement.

Oh. And hurt.

Look, I'm-I'm sorry

I ever brought that
up in the first place.

It's just that I've seen
so many failed marriages.

I just wanted some
insurance, I guess.

Of course, I...

I forgot I'm marrying
the perfect woman.

Don't forget that, Frasier.

And I certainly didn't
mean to hurt you with Sam.

By the way, what took
you so long getting here?

Oh, well, when I first arrived,

I went to the wrong room.

Uh...

By the way, we're
having breakfast tomorrow

with Jack and Peggy
in number eight.

I'm paying.

Frasier, you dear, sweet ninny.

I do love you, you know.

And I, you.