Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Crane Mutiny - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Sam, I found an apartment.

Hey, good for you, Woody.

It's got everything
I ever wanted.

What's that?

A living room and a bedroom.

Dare to dream there, Woodman.

Isn't this in Chinatown?

I don't think so, Sam.

Well, yeah, I think it is.

Did there seem to be a lot of
Chinese restaurants around?



Yeah, I guess.

And, uh, a lot

of, uh, signs hanging hither
and yon in Chinese there?

Yeah, come to think of it.

Yeah, lots of Chinese
people walking around

on the street, I suppose.

Yeah, but that could just

be a coincidence, you know?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll call my landlady.

If anyone would know,
Mrs. Chung would.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪



♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

So, uh, Woody,

how's the ol'
apartment working out?

Oh, great, Mr. Clavin.

You know my landlady,
Mrs. Chung? Yeah.

She's teaching me a new
word in Chinese every day.

The trick is to work it into
the conversation smoothly.

Say, Carla,

seen any interesting lately?

What are you
babbling about, Festus?

Is the Chinese
word for "doorknob."

Well, here's a
couple of right here.

Hey, Bobby.

Any new twists in
the pretzel business?

Hey, I haven't heard that
one before, right, Sammy?

So you want the
usual four cases?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I'm the new manager here.

Congratulations.

So, uh, that's four, right, Sam?

Mm-hmm.

I handle all the ordering
around here now.

Really, Sam?

So how many cases do you want?

How many did he say?

Four.

I want five.

She's the boss.

I'll call you later.

I saw that little
wink, Mr. Malone,

and I don't appreciate it.

I'm tired of you
undermining my authority.

Now I want delivery men
to deal with me and me only.

Is that clear?

You certainly put
me in my place.

Speaking of my place,

why don't you grab your
negligee and join me?

As disgusting as that offer is

I think I'll have to decline.

And I'm taking
your picture down.

Whoa, whoa, wait a sec.

You don't understand.

I mean, it's a
tradition around here.

It's always hung there.

Mr. Malone, I'm afraid
things are different now.

This isn't your bar anymore.

Things are different now.

This isn't your bar...

Don't do that.

I hate that.

What? I just, uh, bit
my tongue, that's all.

Way to go, Sammy.

Give me a scotch, Woody.

Sure thing, Dr. Crane.

Hey, by the way,

when you go to the restroom,

I want you to notice that the

have been shined.

I'm hardly concerned about
doorknobs at the moment.

You understood me?

Yes. It was only
a matter of time.

Well, doesn't
anybody care to know

what I am concerned about?

No.

Well, Fras, you know normally,

I wouldn't give a rat's tokus

about anything that
happened to you,

but the last guy I waited
on threw up on my leg.

Now, this couldn't
be any worse, right?

Shoot.

It's my love life.

I'm gonna go find the guy
that threw up on my leg.

What's up, Frasier?

Well, Sam, this morning,

Lilith and I had the
worst fight we've ever had.

And I'm almost ashamed
to admit it, but I...

I even considered striking her.

I mean, it wasn't completely
without provocation.

She did throw a chair at me.

Just...

it's the same argument we've
had all the time lately. It...

Only this time, she-she
issued an ultimatum.

She... she said we
ought to get married,

or we're through.

Well, Frasier Crane does not
cotton to emotional blackmail.

Frasier, propose to her.

Get it over with.

The truth is, she's
got her hook in you.

Well, Sam, I'm not a fish.

I'm a man.

There is a difference.

I know that.

A fish would stand a chance.

Trust me, propose.

I couldn't, uh,
help but overhear

what you were talking
about there, Fras.

Yeah.

We tried like hell,

but, uh, we heard it anyway.

Well, it's not that I
don't care for Lilith.

It-It's just that I fear
I-I tied myself to her

because, well, you know,

I haven't been all that
successful with women.

Ah. For some reason,

I don't think they find me sexy.

Get out! Guys, huh? Come on!

Uh, you know, Fras,

I wouldn't kick you out of bed

for eating crackers.

Maybe subconsciously,
I've-I've settled for Lilith

because she's the only
woman that ever liked me for...

well, not my brain.

Oh, Frasier, please.

I know of plenty of women,

they-they find you attractive.

Yeah... Oh, look, I know
you're just being nice...

No. but you see, I'm not really

trying to shop around.

I mean, Lilith Sternin is a...

a good woman.

Strong, durable, reliable.

She'd make a hell of
a radial tire, actually.

Oh, I'm just too young
for a commitment.

You see, I haven't been
with all that many women.

Especially ones with
a caboose like that.

Well, Fras, uh, talk
about a small world.

You know it's common
knowledge around here

that Miss Howe finds
you très attractive.

Oh, now stop it. She does not.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
am I blowing smoke here,

or am I giving the man
the straight skinny?

It's true.

He's right, Frasier.

Rebecca likes
the cut of your jib.

Well, the Cranes
always have been known

for their jibs.

No, seriously.

It's outlandish. I mean,

the woman hasn't even
given me an indication.

Uh, I don't know,

Fras.

You know, I think
you'll find, uh,

where there's smoke,
there's, uh, fire.

Could I have a club
soda, please, Woody?

Oh, sure thing, Miss Howe.

Thank you.

Huh? Huh?

Huh? Huh?

Were we right, or
were we right, huh?

I mean, there must
be some mistake.

What? A mistake?!

She was coming on to me?

No, no, she was trying to
wipe something off her lip.

Oh, yeah.

Doc, Doc, she talks about you

all the time.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Look, look, if you
don't believe us, uh,

just go over there
and ask her out.

You'll have your answer.

All right, I'll do it.

I mean, it's not like

I haven't had any encouragement.

I can come hither as
well as the next guy.

Is this the men's room?

It's around the corner.

Oh, uh, terribly sorry.

Well, I've laid the groundwork.

I can just follow up that
up tomorrow. Oh, right now,

I'm running late for
dinner so I better get back.

You know, Lilith goes
into a blinding rage

if I'm not home the minute
the meat hits the platter.

Guys...

thanks for being here for me.

My compadres, huh?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

That was really...

That was a terrible thing to do.

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, I-I
wonder why we did it.

'Cause we're a bunch of nimrods.

"Your hostess, Rebecca Howe."

What is this supposed to be?

Something to
identify me to people

who might have questions,
comments or suggestions.

I saw one in a supermarket
and thought it was a good idea.

I've seen headcheese
in the supermarket, too,

but I don't frame it.

I guess what I'm
saying is, I love it.

I don't want to hear another
word about this, Mr. Malone.

I know you have trouble
dealing with a woman

in a position of authority.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I resent that.

I've never had trouble with
a woman in any position.

That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

You give me no respect.

Now,

maybe you took this job lightly

when you were in charge,
but I take it very seriously.

And as for you, Mrs. LeBec,

I would think...

that as another working woman

that perhaps you would
lend me some support.

Instead of always
sniping behind my back.

What do you see we just
wipe the slate clean here

and start a new era
of mutual support?

Wonderful idea.

Absolutely.

You know, I don't think
we're ever going to able

to look at you the
same way again.

Great.

Good evening, gents.

Frasier. Frasier.

Carla, how about
some suds there?

Yup.

Hey, Fras, what's up?

Well, my spirits for one thing.

I've just told Lilith
that I want my freedom,

so that I can pursue
the fair Rebecca.

Wait a minute, now, wait.

You dumped Lilith,

'cause of what Cliff said?

What I said? You're the one...

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

There's plenty of
credit for both of you.

You two opened my eyes,

made me realize that there
are other fish in the sea.

So what did Lilith have to
say when you flushed her?

Well, I don't actually know yet.

Uh, I was going to

tell her face-to-face,

but then I thought

that an eloquently
written letter would be

a bittersweet reminder
of what we had together.

You chickened out?

Precisely.

Well...

to the hunt.

Yes?

Hello, Rebecca.

Why do I suddenly feel
nervous as a schoolboy?

Uh...

Well, let me-let me
come directly to the point

by telling you that you
couldn't have chosen

a more opportune moment
to declare your feelings.

Let me assure you,
the feeling is mutual.

I've just recently...

rid myself of an entanglement.

I find myself free to ask you

if you'd like to
join me for dinner.

Who are you?

My God.

What have I done?

You leaving so soon, Dr. Crane?

Yes, Woody, I've got to
convince the woman I love

that I'm not a complete ass.

Good luck!

Oh, thank God.

What was that, Tootsie Roll?

I said, uh, thank God I'm home.

I couldn't agree more.

How was your day at the office?

It was fine.

How was yours? Delightful.

Here, I'll just make us

a couple of drinks,

and then we can start relaxing.

Where is the envelope

you left for me on the table?

Envelope? What envelope?

Frasier. It's wicked
of you to tease me.

I saw it,

but wanted to save it to open

while you were here.

It's probably either
tickets to the ballet

or the symphony.

Or perhaps one of those
cards with a handsome couple

walking hand in hand
on the beach at sunset

that I cherish so.

You know, that is
exactly what it was.

Good Lord, I guess I'm
becoming quite predictable.

You know, I'll
just have to think

of another way to enchant you.

I've got it.

Look, it's a flock of seagulls.

Let's have our drink.

Here's to the most
beautiful woman in the world.

Let me guess...
You read the letter.

Yes, I read the letter,
you licentious quack!

And what facile tripe it is!

"We both need time to grow,

to develop as people."

Who is the slut?

She's no slut!

What slut?

Well, I mean, look,
it was all a mistake.

It's just a big mistake.

Oh, you bet it is, mister.

You want your freedom?!

Ha, I'll give you
freedom... From your teeth!

No, Lilith!

Not the Royal Doulton.

You're right.

I realize when I contemplate
the destruction of property

that I'm overstepping
the bounds of decorum.

If there's any hope
of our salvaging

any of our relationship,

we must remain
calm and discuss this

in a rational, truthful manner.

All right.

I'll be honest with you.

There was a woman.

But I am a man of honor.

I did not betray you.

Nothing happened.

You broke off our relationship

for the possibility
of a relationship?

A mere fantasy?

How flattering.

All right, I'll be
honest with you.

You see, I only
wanted to spare you.

This woman is a...
a sex-starved Circe

who drew my ship onto the rocks

and there I foundered.

What's her name?

Well, let's just, you know,
leave her name out of this.

Frasier, are we
going to clear the air

or continue to hold back?

Unless you identify

this woman, doubt and suspicion

will fester in my consciousness.

Every woman I meet
will provoke the question,

"Is this the one,
is this the one,

is this the one, is this
the one is this the one...?"

It's Rebecca Howe.

She runs Cheers now.

So, now we know the slut's name.

Please, Lilith...

don't you think you
could forgive me?

I don't know.

At this moment, my feelings
for you are ambivalent.

I need to sort them out.

I'm going to go out

and wander the
streets aimlessly.

I'll take my usual route.

You know, I have
an idea, Popsicle.

Uh, why don't I run upstairs

and make us a nice
warm, soothing bath, hmm?

Well, Mr. Bubble does
always cheer me so.

Once begun, it's half done.

Are you sure this is
okay with Miss Howe?

Woody, she loves
this kind of stuff.

This is good, wholesome humor.

In fact, I bet she
gives you a raise

for doing such a good job.

Oh, don't stop.

I already saw it.

And I must admit, I
haven't laughed so hard

since junior high.

I helped.

Mr. Malone.

Yeah?

I want this nonsense
with my picture to stop.

I did you a favor
by hiring you back,

and this is not a very
nice way to repay me.

You're right.

You did do me a favor,

and now I'm going to do you one.

I'm going to give you a tip

on how to deal with
people who work for you.

Lighten up a little bit.

I mean, you got to
make some compromises.

I see.

You want me to hang
your picture back up.

Right. Done.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, that was easy.

Wait, uh...

let's try some more
compromises here.

Um... I want to

sleep with you 25 times, but...

you don't want to sleep
with me at all, am I right?

Right.

Okay, so what's half of 25?

Your I.Q.?

Wait, uh... please.

Um, I'm a little sensitive

about people making
fun of my intelligence.

I'm sorry. That's all right.

But I wasn't making
fun of your intelligence.

Good.

I was making fun of
your lack of intelligence.

Cliffie, girl fight, 12:00 high.

Rebecca Howe?

Mm-hmm.

You and I are both mature women,

and I think we
should handle this

openly and with civility.

Believe me, I could be
doing you a very big favor.

Frasier is not an
easy man to live with.

He's obsessively
compulsive about neatness.

The sex is good, but he pouts

unless you compliment
his performance.

Fortunately,

his male ego can be satisfied

with a simple
"Thank you, Conan."

I don't know who you are,

and I don't know who Frasier is,

but I do... Conan?

You really don't
know Frasier, do you?

No, I don't.

God, I'm such a fool.

How could I let
him do this to me?

It's all right.

It happens to everybody.

He made up this whole story

just to avoid committing to me.

And the worst part is he's
going to get away with it.

They always do.

Yeah, men are such a pain.

I have someone who's
very special to me,

but he wouldn't notice
me if I set fire to my hair.

Him?

No, definitely not him.

I prefer the Fortune 500 type...

One who owns blocks,

not one who plays with them.

Look, they're flirting with me.

Well, I really do
have work to do.

Perhaps we can have
lunch together sometime.

I'd like that.

Lilith. Lilith.

Well, good night. Good night.

Mr. Malone, are
you developing a tic?

That was a wink.

Then you're
developing into a tick.

And stop looking at my rear end.

Lucky guess.

Lilith.

Thank God you're here.

You haven't confronted
Rebecca yet, have you?

Hardly. Oh, good.

How did you know where I was?

Well, when I realized
you hadn't come upstairs,

I-I toweled off, and then...

suddenly, it dawned on me...

That little firebrand's
gone down to Cheers

to fight for her man.

See, I think it best

that I do this
myself, and, uh...

I think next week's
a really good time.

You did have an affair
with this woman, didn't you?

That is what you told me.

Well, of course.

Well, then end it
right here and now.

I need to know that it's over.

You've got to cut this off

before she falls more
deeply in love with you.

And you've got to let me watch.

You know, I-I've got an idea.

Let's go to Maine.

Lilith...

Lilith, Lilith...

the left-hand side of my
body's gone completely numb.

You know what that
means, don't you?

Yes, you're stalling.

It's down the hall to the left.

Thank you.

Ms. Howe, let me
introduce myself.

I'm Lilith Sternin.

You don't know me,

but of course

this man needs no introduction.

He only needs a conscience.

Frasier

has something he
wants to say to you.

Listen very carefully

and do what you must do.

I'm... I'm sorry, Rebecca,

but it's-it's-it's
time it was over.

I hope you can forgive me.

Now let's go to Maine.

Frasier, don't be so heartless.

She deserves better than that.

Uh, uh, no, no, please, please,

don't try to articulate
your feelings.

Uh... just...

let me say my little piece,

and then I'll be out
of your life forever.

Now, just remember the
part about not saying anything.

I know it sounds

like a cliché to...

to say that this is
going to hurt me

more than it does you...

but it doesn't make
it any less true...

for you see, it is I...
who will be condemned

never again to see
your... haunting eyes,

your silken skin,

your shimmering hair.

But it-it's time that we part.

Farewell, sweet Rebecca.

How will I live without
your passionate kisses?

You won't have to.

Oh, Frasier...

Frasier, for God's sakes,

she was only joking.

Well, so was I.

Come on.

I was just playing along.

I'm a dead man.

Sweetheart? Buttercup?

You were just
kidding, weren't you?

My joy...!

Lilith.

Please, uh,

all I can say is...

please have mercy on me. I...

Look, it's the
God's honest truth.

Rebecca and I did
not have an affair.

I wanted to,

but she wasn't sure...

A small point,

but she wasn't even
sure who I am, so...

I didn't really want to.

Uh, my body wanted to,

but my brain didn't.

Well, part of my
brain did, but...

Well, that part's dead, and...

I guess... what I'm
trying to say is...

Will you marry me,

make me the happiest man alive?

This is obviously a
ploy to get yourself out

of the ridiculous situation
you're in, and the answer...

is yes, my steed, yes.

Are you... you're serious?

Yippee.

Hey, everybody,

we're going to be married.

Someday.

No, soon.

Eh, we finally got those
lovebirds together, huh?

Yeah, just needed
that little push, I guess.

Matchmaker, matchmaker ♪

♪ Make me a match... ♪