Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 19 - Airport V - full transcript

After being cut by the Bruins, Eddie finally gets a job as a penguin, not of the Pittsburgh variety, but rather a dressed-up penguin in The World of Ice ice show. The first stop on the ...

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Whoa, Cliffie,

new Weekly Gabber I see, huh?

Yeah, you betcha.

Look at this headline here.

"Suicidal Twin Kills
Brother by Mistake."

Oh, Cliff,

you don't actually believe
that pack of lies, do you?

Well, Dr. Crane, it just shows
you how much you know

about free press
here in America.

I mean, uh, they can't
print it unless it's the truth.



Well, granted, you know,

some of these stories
might be a bit exaggerated,

but, uh, I guarantee
you at the core of each

is the kernel of truth.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Hey, hey.

Come here, fella.

Listen, I just won five
bucks in the lottery.

Pass it on, will ya?

Thanks a lot.

The truth

has begun its journey
now around the bar.

When it returns,
it may be a little bit

distorted, you know.



People will be
saying I won $500,

maybe $5,000,

maybe five million dollars,

but I guarantee you the
essence of the message

will be the truth.

Hey, Norm, get this.

Some geek brain's all jazzed

because he just won five bucks.

Touché.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Listen up, everyone.

One of the most influential
reviewers in the city

has been going around
to different bars in the area

reviewing them.

Need I say more?

Yes.

Woody, in case he comes in here,

I want everybody
on his best behavior.

Aw, gee, does this mean

we're going to have to cancel
the midget tossing contest?

Sam, please don't
joke about this.

This really means a lot to me.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm sure we'll do great.

As long as the reviewer
doesn't happen to be

that SOB Murray Treadwell.

You remember him?

Well, I'm not saying it
is, but what if it were?

Well, then you better
kiss your butt good-bye.

Actually, that sounds

more like a job
for me, doesn't it?

What's the matter with him?

He's a hater.

The guy hates everybody.

I hate people like that.

Yeah.

He gave Cheers a really
bad review a couple years ago.

Really bad.

I almost stopped coming here.

What did he say?

A bar full of bores.

Yeah, oafish clientele.

Dumb lug of a bartender.

Well, we're under
new management here.

A lot of things have changed.

Like what?

We have ferns.

Didn't he say anything nice?

Yes, as a matter
of fact, he said

the one saving grace was
the refreshing lack of ferns.

You guys are just
trying to rattle me.

With the changes I've instituted

and with Carla locked
in the storage closet,

everything's going to be fine.

86 the ferns, Woody.

Hi, guys.

Oh, Carla, Eddie called

and said he got a
job as a penguin.

Great!

Hey, did you hear
that, everybody?

My husband just hooked on
with the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Hey, that's great.

Pittsburgh... they're an
up-and-coming club, huh?

I'd say Eddie LeBec is on
his way to becoming a legend.

Gee, Cliff, what a great
thing to say, thanks.

I meant every word of it, Carla.

Can Eddie get us tickets?

You know, what I like
best about that team...

What? Is their uniforms.

I mean, the Penguin
uniforms are far and away

the coolest in the league.

Hey,

everybody!

Eddie?

Who else could it be?

Wow, Carla, are their home
uniforms that neat-looking too?

Hey, Carla, listen.

It's been breaking me up,

you know, not being
able to find work,

not being able to
support you and the kids.

It's like I was losing
myself as a man.

Well, now, you
know, I got a job.

Aren't you proud of me?

Eddie, take off your beak.

This is a joke, right?

You're with Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh?

No, I'm with the
Wonderful World of Ice.

You know, that big ice show.

They're hiring lots of
hockey players like me.

Hey, at least you
won't have to worry

about renting a tux, Eddie.

Yeah, what are
they paying you, Ed?

Seven, eight fish a day?

Hey, you guys, knock it off.

He's got himself an honest job.

He gets paid.

He, um...

come on, help me out here, man.

All right, all right.

Can it, you clowns.

You know, a lot of people
criticize hockey players.

They say they're
wasting their time.

After their careers are over

they're not prepared
for anything.

Well, my Eddie just
proved them wrong.

Thank you, Carla.

You walked around
in public in that thing?

I thought you'd
get a kick out of it.

Listen, uh, Carla,

I got to fly to
Seattle tomorrow.

You can't fly in
that thing, can you?

No, Woody, I'm
going on an airplane.

I know, I mean you're not
going to fly in that thing, are you?

Seattle?

I just... I can't believe

you're going to
be that far away.

It won't be that long.

Look, I'll call you every day.

Hey, maybe you want to
come out and see me, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, well...

you know, it's really
a long way, Eddie.

We'll talk about
it tonight, okay?

What do you want for dinner?

I don't know.

I kind of got the
urge for mackerel.

Gee, I'm sure going
to miss you, Carla.

Well, who wouldn't?

You know, not to be
overly sentimental,

but you're the best
husband I ever had.

I'll see you, Carla.

Yeah, see ya...

Penguin.

I wonder where couples
get those cute little names

they call each other.

Well, soon.

Eddie, look, I just
can't fly out of here.

Are you forgetting
I got seven kids?

Oh, right, eight.

Look, look, I'd love to
talk to you some more,

but Sam's calling me. What?

Ow!

Be right there, Sam.

Okay, I'll talk to you
tomorrow then, bye.

Hey, uh, Carla,

I couldn't help but notice

that Eddie calls
you every single day

asking you to go out there,

and you just keep
giving him the brush-off.

I mean, hey, what
gives here, little lady?

Drop it.

Or I'll set your face on fire

and beat out the
flames with your butt.

Well, does that satisfy
your curiosity, Cliff?

Totally.

But it does raise a
series of other questions.

Hey, hey, hey.

That restaurant
critic guy's here.

Where?

Right over there, see?

Oh, my God.

How do I look, Sam?

You've got a little drool

on the corner of
your mouth there.

No, no, no, leave it.

I think I better go
see what he wants.

No, relax. Carla's got it.

Oh, my God!

Carla, you don't mind, do you?

Not at all.

When you're through,

there's a table of
six in the corner.

Hello.

You're Murray
Treadwell, aren't you?

Yes, and you must be
one of the Flying Wallendas.

No, I'm Rebecca Howe.
I'm the new manager here.

I hope you enjoy
your visit here.

Oh, I'm sure I will.

Would you like a drink?

That seems vaguely appropriate.

I'll get it.

You probably want
something specific.

How about a vodka martini?

Excellent choice.

Anything special?

Stirred, shaken, two olives?

A little sword?

I'd like it today.

Coming right up.

Vodka martini for Mr. Treadwell
and make it snappy.

Oh, no, that's the one drink
I don't know how to make.

Things seem to
be going very well.

Yeah, just make
sure he gets a napkin.

We only lost about
a thousand points

on that last time.

As if it would have
really killed him

to use the paper towels.

Thank you, Sam.

Here you go, Mr. Treadwell.

Notice the cocktail napkin.

There's plenty more
where that one came from.

Mm, very nice.

Yes, we make a
good martini here.

Oh, that, too.

Very sweet of you.

Do you have any
questions about Cheers?

Actually, I do.

But, unfortunately, I'm
running a little bit late.

Would you, by any chance
be free for dinner tonight?

Dinner?

Yes, it's the third
meal of the day.

We could find
somewhere nice and quiet

where we wouldn't be disturbed.

Uh... I don't know.

You know,

the more time you
and I spend together,

the happier I think
you'll be with the review.

Will you excuse me a minute?

I just want to
check my schedule.

He wants me to
have dinner with him.

That means he expects something

for a good review.

I'll get the petty cash.

Sam.

He wants me to
compromise myself.

Honey, we all do.

Why do I even talk to you?

I'm not going to
make a big deal of this.

It's just going to be
another business dinner.

That's all.
Everything will be fine.

Listen to me. Listen.

If, uh, one thing should
lead to another tonight

and you wake up in the morning

and find out you done something

you wish you hadn't,

I just want you to know,

I'd love to take you
out tomorrow night.

So I stand by my
original review,

"the Hungry Heifer is a trough."

Okay, fine.

But listen, if you can find
a better 25-ounce steak

for $1.99, pal,

you just let me know, all right?

I'd be happy to have
dinner with you tonight.

Great, I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Terrific.

I'll see you then,
Mr. Treadwell.

Please, call me Murray.

All right, all right,
sure thing, Eddie.

Okay, listen, break a wing.

I know, I know, I know,
you hate those jokes.

Listen, just keep
a stiff upper beak.

I'm sorry.

All right, bye-bye, bye-bye.

Oh, heck.

That was your husband
on the phone there, Carla.

Why was he calling you?

Well, he's upset.

He wanted me to ask
you, find out why, you know,

you won't go see him.

How can I, Sam?

I can't afford a plane
ticket to Seattle.

Well, now I could
loan you the money.

Great.

But who could get the time off?

If it's for the sake
of your marriage,

I'm sure we could
work something out.

If you'd like to take
a leave of absence

for say, a year,
that would be fine.

I-I really, I don't know
why everybody thinks

I could just pick
myself up and go.

I got two newborn babies.

Take them. Tykes fly free.

Yeah, usually in the
seat right next to me.

Look, I can't go, so
let's just drop it, okay?

Geez.

Just came up for a drink order.

Carla, Eddie's afraid that
you're ashamed of him.

Well, I'm not. Well,
tell him. Don't tell me.

I will!

The minute he gets back.

You're not afraid to
fly, are you, Carla?

Me? Afraid to fly? Me?

Well, it must be something.

I am not afraid to fly.

I'm not!

I'm afraid to crash.

Did you have a
bad experience...?

Yes, I did!

First time in an airplane.

It was on my
honeymoon with Nick.

We're going to New York...
Short flight, no problem, right?

Well, suddenly, the plane
hits turbulence, right?

Me and Nick were thrown
all around that bathroom.

I haven't flown since.

Sweetheart, that
was just one time.

I mean, look at me.

When I was playing ball,

I must have flown 200,000 miles,

and I don't remember
anything happening.

'Cause you were always drunk.

Damn right.

Good afternoon.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Frasier.

Yeah. You're just the
man I'm looking for here.

You looking for my
camaraderie, Sam,

or do you want some
free psychiatric advice?

Uh... that free thing there.

Good.

Come on. What do you say, Carla?

Oh, no way, Sam. Uh-uh.

I like my head this size.

Just keep him away from me.

He's the only shrink we know.

Oh, stop, Sam. You're
embarrassing me.

What's the problem?

Well, Carla wants to visit
Eddie on the West Coast,

but she's afraid to fly.

Well, do you mean,
by afraid to fly, what?

Um... she's claustrophobic,
agoraphobic, or acrophobic?

Death-o-phobic.

Well, you know, Carla,

I've done a lot
of reading lately

about fear of flying.

I've always wanted
to conduct a workshop

for people with your problem.

I'm sure I could scare
up a few people like you.

Oh, no pun intended.

None noticed, I am sure.

No way, Frasier.

I am not going to
wind up in your office,

strapped to some table

with electricity shot
through my head.

Carla, that's not
part of the therapy.

Oh, yeah? What about Diane?

Now, look. I never treated Diane

with any kind of
shock inducement.

Of course, now I wish I had.

No, no. The key to this therapy,

you see, is, uh...
desensitization.

Over a period of sessions,

we slowly break down your fears

until you're ready
to get on a plane.

And, at the end, we
all take an actual flight.

Yeah? Well, fly this, Orville.

Cheers.

Hey, Sam.

Oh, hey, Eddie.

Long time no hear. Yeah.

How you doing?

Oh, the show? It's okay.

It's kind of a hockey
players' reunion.

Listen. Did you
talk to her, Sam?

I mean, what did she say?

No, listen. The problem, Eddie,

is not that she's
afraid to see you.

It's that she's afraid to fly.

Carla, afraid?

Carla's not afraid
of anything, Sam.

See, that's just an excuse.

I mean, she's ashamed of me.

You know something?

It's just not working.

I'm going to quit.

No, wait. Hold on. Hold on.

Listen, he's so sure
you're ashamed of him

that he wants to quit.

Really? Yes.

Give me this phone.

Eddie?

I'm coming to see you.

I'll be there in about a week.

Really? Aw, gee, Carla.

I got the biggest smile
you ever saw on my face.

I wish you could see me.

Eddie?

Before we take off, I'd
like to commend you.

It's been an intense week,

but here we are, finally,
at the end of our journey.

Or should I say, perhaps
the beginning of the end

of our journey.

I guess we're all set.

Let's get this show on the road.

Dr. Crane, uh... I... I
hope you don't mind.

I brought along a little
Saint Christopher's medal.

Oh. Well, no. If that
helps you, that's fine.

Oh, great.

Anybody else want one?

Now, now, Carla.

All religious artifacts
must be stored

either below the
seat in front of you

or in the overhead bin.

There, now. Isn't this fun? Huh?

Now...

we're going to take
off in a few minutes,

so what should we all be doing?

People?

Well, we should be
focusing on our happy place.

That place where

we most like to be...
where we're most relaxed.

Can you see it?

Excuse me, sir. We'll
be taking off shortly.

Would you please sit down?

Oh, yes, of course.
Just a moment.

All right, now, you're
in your happy place.

Hmm?

You're at peace with the world.

Oh, God.

Now, just stay in
your happy place.

If it's the beach,

just imagine that that sound

is the gentle
rippling of the water.

Carla,

where's your happy place?

On the floor of my stomach,

clutching the earth
with both hands.

Good. Good!

Oh! Uh... Dr. Crane...

I've forgotten where
my happy place is.

I think yours was in
the Berkshires. Oh, yes.

Mine is in the Berkshires.

Look, everybody can be
in the Berkshires if they like.

The Berkshires is an expansive
and wonderful wooded wonderland.

That's going to go up
like a Roman candle

when this baby crashes into it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we've been cleared for takeoff.

So please, sit back, relax.

Thanks for flying with us.

Did he say, "Thanks
for dying with us"?

Just relax.

I'll be sitting right
here beside you.

If you're a little nervous,
go ahead and grab on to me.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

What's the story, Mr. Peterson?

"Bobbsey Twins
Go to the Brewery."

Let's just cut to
the happy ending.

Uh-oh!

We got the Cheers review today.

Oh, God! Here it comes.

Well, at least you'll all know

I didn't compromise myself.

And that we probably
got a horrendous review

and I'll get fired.

I can still look at
myself in the mirror

and say, "Would
it have killed you?"

"Hurrah, hurrah for Cheers,
the best bar in Boston."

Oh, you slept with him.

I did not.

"Warm, inviting, a
delight from top to bottom."

The bar or you?

I did not sleep with him.

Oh, stop it. I think I respect
you more now than I ever did.

I did not sleep with him.

You just have a filthy mind.

Nobody else in here
thinks that, so just shut up.

How was he?

I did not sleep with him.

Yeah. Cheers.

As a matter of fact, she is.

Hold on one second.

It's your boss.

Hello.

Mr. Drake.

Did you happen to catch
our remarkable review?

Good? Oh, it was fantastic.

Yes. We're all very proud.

Yeah, well, you know,
we work pretty hard...

No! I did not sleep with him.

Good air in...

and the bad air out.

That's good.

Nice, easy breathing.

Now, there. Don't
you all feel better?

Now, now. Remember
what we learned.

Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow.

That's just a little kitty cat.

Clear Air Turbulence.

Now... now that

you're all relaxed,

we can take this opportunity

to, uh... well, further discuss
the irrationality of our fears.

Anyone?

I... I... I just wish I
had more control.

I think I'd feel better if
I were flying the plane.

Trust me. That doesn't help.

How do you know?

I was a pilot for this airline.

You were?

I was flying

a jumbo jet... full plane...

And it occurred to me that

all these people had their lives

in the hands of someone like me.

I couldn't go up again.

Forget the pilot!

What about those mechanics, huh?

I mean, what if one of
those guys has a bad day?

Forgets to screw in a lug nut?

Carla, they're
trained technicians.

Aren't they in a labor dispute?

Yes, but it's almost over.

Well, what happens if
we get hit by lightning?

Oh, now, I'm sure the plane
is designed to handle that.

Or if a teeny, tiny little bird

gets in the engine?

God! What bird would
be flying at 30,000 feet?

We're at 30,000 feet?

This plane

is too heavy

to be up that high!

If anything happens,
we're all just going

to drop like spit off
the Prudential Building.

Carla, now you're being silly.

Listen, statistics
prove that this is...

The hell with statistics.

Does the words
"ice on the wings"

mean anything to you?

Oh, that is simply the sun

glinting off the wings.

Does that look like ice to you?

Meow, meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Will you stop that
incessant caterwauling?

Meow, meow, meow.

Why aren't they serving drinks?

Hey, Fras, you okay?

I'm fine. Fine.

You look a little green.

I'm perfectly all right.

Where is that
damn cocktail cart?

What was that? What?

That pinging noise.

I heard it.

I heard a ping, a ping, ping.

What, have you all gone deaf

or something?

Hey, hey, ease up.

Do you feel cold
air rushing in here?

No. My God!

There's a leak in the fuselage!

Calm down, Frasier.

Oh, God, look! It's the wings!

They're flapping

around like a wounded duck!

We're all gonna die!

Frasier! You're not
in your happy place.

What do you mean? In a grave?

We're going down!

We're going down!

I got to get out of here!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Frasier!

Honest, Eddie.

I'm flying out
tomorrow night. Yeah.

Frasier's class taught
me how stupid it was

to be afraid of flying.

Oh, me, too.

I can't wait to get you alone,

strip you out of that penguin
outfit, and climb all over ya.

We're sharing a room
with the three little pigs?

Well, they're used
to huffing and puffing.

All right. See you then.

Sam, you don't
really think Miss Howe

would do anything she shouldn't
have to get a good review, do you?

No, Of course not. Then
why do you keep teasing her?

Well, haven't you ever noticed

how her chest kind of
heaves when she's angry?

I always avert my eyes.

You're kidding me. No.

I'm a leg man.

Excuse me, miss?

I couldn't help but
overhear your conversation.

I've had a fear
of flying for years,

and I think it's time
that I confronted it.

How can I get into that class

that worked miracles for you?

I can do better than that.

The doctor's over
there. Hey, Fras?

I'm in my happy place.

Sign up early.