Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 18 - Let Sleeping Drakes Lie - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

No, no, it's a
well-documented fact

that the female of the species

is irresistibly drawn
to men in uniform.

Yeah, just yesterday, some
lonely, frustrated housewife

saw me coming
up the garden path,

you know, peeking
through the window,

and she tries to
coyly titillate me

by pulling down the shade

so I wonder what's
going on behind it.

Let me dispel the mystery.



She was puking.

Carla,

don't you get bored just
hanging around here all day

waiting to take
cheap shots at me?

Yeah, I should get a beeper.

All right, look. That's it.

I am sick and tired

of being your whipping boy.

Today the worm turns.

You are not going to
insult me any longer,

because I am not going
to give you the chance.

As of from right now,

I am shutting
up, zipping my lip.

And my friends support me.



♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

You know something, chaps,

I had a particularly fascinating
session this morning.

No, honestly.

Someone I was
seeing for the first time.

Extraordinarily
beautiful, young woman,

who's uh, rather unique malaise

is to be aroused with
sexual frenzy by...

Oh, good Lord.

Excuse me. I don't really think

I should be discussing
my patients here.

Uh... how about

discussing them over here?

Well,

I suppose it wouldn't violate

any doctor-patient
confidentiality

if I don't use names.

Pour the beer, Woody.

I thought you weren't going
to use any names, Dr. Crane.

Woody...

Well, it seems this woman

has her passions inflamed
by men who dance.

Wait a minute, Wait a minute.

Men who dance?

That's weird.

What's even more bizarre,

is that she will catapult
herself compulsively

into the arms of any
man in tights or tap shoes.

Fascinating fixation.

Huh.

Ooh, geez. I've
got to go. I'm sorry.

Where you going?

My ballet class.

No, no,

lunch, lunch.

That was a little
psychological humor.

You know, as my old
professor used to say,

if you can't laugh
at your patients,

what fun are they?

See you later.

Norm.

Morning, everybody.

Norm!

Can I pour you a
draft, Mr. Peterson?

A little early, isn't it, Woody?

For a beer?

No, for stupid questions.

Pour.

Would you believe the
board of directors is asking

for a breakdown of
projected earnings

for the next six months?

Yes.

Rebecca,

I started painting
Mr. Drake's house.

I want to thank you for
that recommendation.

Oh, it was my pleasure, Norm.

How's it going?

Great, great.

He's out of town for
a few days so, uh,

I thought it'd be a good time
to get started in his bedroom.

I was doing a little prep
work over there this morning,

and I must say, that's
a cute photo of you

he has next to his
night stand there.

What?

Just kidding.

I will kill you, Norm.

You know, uh,

I am over there all by myself,

so if you want to
drop by and, uh,

check any of the house out,

I can get you in.

No... I can't.

Oh, go on.

You're dying to
look in his drawers.

That's right, he won't be there.

The last thing on my
mind is Evan Drake

and where he sleeps.

No, I don't want
to be distracted.

I've got to get these figures
into the bed of directors...

board of directors.

Shall we say in one hour?

I'll be there.

Excuse me,

I'm looking for Dr. Crane.

He mentioned he'd be here.

Oh, I'm sorry, you
just missed him.

Oh, darn.

I had a session earlier today

and left a package
in his office.

When I went back, it was locked.

Gee, I don't know
what to tell you.

But then again, I don't
know what to tell most people.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, you had a session with him?

Are you a patient of his?

That's right. Why?

Oh, just curious.

Well, it's not that important.

I just thought if I caught him,

I could still get
my package back.

I understand perfectly.

Well, I'm out of luck, I guess.

I'll just have to
stop by tomorrow.

♪ Gotta dance, gotta dance... ♪

Why are you doing that?

This? Oh...

I guess it's kind of an
old reflex with us hoofers.

Oh. You're a dancer?

Well, kind of.

Yeah... my name's Sam Malone

but people call me Bojangles.

Jennifer McCall.

Jennifer McCall, whoo...

That's a beautiful
name for a beautiful girl.

Well, thank you.

I have to be going.

Well, at least let
me, uh, waltz you

to the door here, all right?

I know I'm not
very sophisticated,

but I don't think what
Sam is doing is right.

Well, look,

don't you put
yourself down with me,

and I happen to agree with you.

I mean, standing
around tending bar all day

is like the worst thing

a dancer could
do for his calves.

Speaking of calves, Woody,

was it painful when the cow

kicked you in the head?

You get used to it.

Why don't I stop back
and um, we'll go to lunch.

Oh, I'm looking
forward to it already.

Ow, got a cramp. Oh, God...

Ow, Woody...

And, uh, here's his bedroom.

I feel kind of queasy.

Like I don't belong here.

Like I'm doing something wrong.

I know... that's how
I feel in my bedroom.

I just feel kind of
like I'm trespassing.

Like I'm invading his privacy.

This is not right.

This is not right.

I should not be doing this.

I shouldn't.

I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

Would you like to be alone?

Sorry.

Well, as long as I'm here,

I guess it wouldn't hurt for me

to just look
around a little bit.

Sure.

Now, I suggested Navajo white,

but he went with sandstone.

What do you think?

This is where he keeps
his clothes, isn't it?

Do you think anybody heard that?

Like who?

I don't know. I'm just nervous.

God, there's no way I
could explain it if I got caught.

How are you going to get caught?

Because people always
get caught in this situation.

What if Evan comes
back unexpectedly.

Look, he's in Europe, okay?

You don't come back
unexpectedly from Europe.

You come back unexpectedly
from the movies or shopping.

But you don't come
back unexpect...

What? What?

Oh, my God, it's Mr. Drake!

He's back unexpectedly
from Europe!

Oh, I have to get out of here.

Norm, are you here?

Uh, yes, sir.

Be right down, sir.

No, that's all right,
I'm coming up.

For the love of...
Go, go, go, go, go.

Norm...

Oh, oh, right, right. Okay.

Ah, Norm... there you are.

Hi, sir.

What are you doing here, sir?

Oh, I wound up everything
in a marathon session.

I haven't slept for three days.

Three days.

Let me take you out
for a cup of coffee, sir.

No, no, no.

All I want to do is
sleep for about a week.

Should I get your pajamas, sir?

No!

No?

No.

Oh, I thought you
meant my pajamas.

No, they're, uh, they're
too far away from here

and I don't even think
they'd fit Mr. Drake.

Actually, I think you'll
find a clean pair of pajamas

in the bag.

I thought you were
going to fix that.

Oh, yeah, that squeak.

I'm going to fix
that squeak, sir.

You should go to another room.

I may need to
use the jaws of life.

Uh, no, just leave it, will ya?

As a matter of fact, forget
the painting thing, too.

I'm a light sleeper,

and I don't want to hear
you rattling your paint cans.

Well, that's one thing I've
never been accused of, sir,

is rattling my cans.

Please, I mean it, Norm. Scoot.

Huh?

Yes, sir.

So you're a really
light sleeper, sir?

Yes, but I have
excellent hearing, Norm.

Yeah, most light sleepers do.

That's what makes
them light sleepers.

So you just left
her in the closet?

Believe me, I did
everything I could

to get the guy out of the room

for like one minute,
but he wouldn't budge.

So you just left
her in the closet?

There was nothing
else I could do, okay?

So you just

left her in the closet?

Carla, it wasn't
my fault, all right?

It's been at least an hour.

She should have
snuck out by now.

Oh, come on.

She'd be here if
she'd gotten away.

You gotta get her out of there.

Hey, look.

You, uh, you think
of it as an adventure.

She's the damsel in distress

and you are the knight
in shiny white armor,

leaping upon your steed.

And driving it into the
ground up to its knees.

No, no, no, no, and
saving a damsel.

I guess you're
right, you're right.

I gotta go do this.

Listen, uh, Cliffie,

if I'm not back in an hour,

go ahead and finish my beer.

This is your beer.

Sammy, I hear you got a
sure thing lined up, huh?

Mm, no, I never like to
use the term "sure thing."

I prefer the term "in the bag."

What? What?

Ah, Sammy, come
on. Isn't this, you know,

pretending to be a phony-bologna
dancer a little bit beneath you?

I mean,

when I go picking up girls,

I don't need all that stuff.

All I need is a
wink and a smile.

And a rag doused
with chloroform.

I don't know, Sammy.

It looks to me like you're
getting a little desperate.

What are you talk...
I'm not desperate.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Ready, Sam?

Oh, hi, Jennifer.

I'll be right with you.

See you guys later.

Ready to go? Mm-hmm.

Mr. Drake!

Mr. Drake, sir!

Sorry, sir, but Mr. Peterson
said it was an emergency.

What? Emergency?

Yeah, structural, Evan.
It's just a damn good thing

I went back and
checked those blueprints.

This ceiling could
go at any second.

Ceiling? Yeah,
it's a crack, sir.

It extends all the
way into, uh, here.

Get me out of here.

What crack?

There's nothing
wrong with that ceiling.

I'm only thinking
of your safety, sir.

Now, I'd feel much better

if you slept in
a different room.

Peterson, get out.

And close that closet door.

Well, wait a minute.

Many people prefer to sleep
with the closet door open.

Is there something
wrong with you?

Yeah, it's, um, it's
the paint fumes, sir.

They make me giddy.

Really.

And, uh,

I'm afraid they can be
hazardous to your health, sir.

Oh, nonsense.

No one was ever
killed by paint fumes.

But, uh, they can
cause brain damage.

Evidently.

Now get out of here.

Sir, I have some paint
cans in the closet there.

I'd feel much better for
you if I tightened those lids.

Whatever, just do
it, get out of here.

Norm, I'm so glad to see you.

You gotta get me
out of here. Okay.

Every time I open the door,

it squeaks and he
starts to wake up.

If he finds me
here in the morning,

he will fire me, hate me,

and he is never, ever going
to want to be my boyfriend.

Aw...

Norm, are you
talking to your paints?

Uh, yes, I am, sir.

Come on, come on. Just,
just calm down, all right?

Calm down. Calm down.

Okay? Everything's
going to be fine.

I'm going to get you out of...

Whoo, cashmere.

Here's my plan, okay?

I'm going to walk out of here.

I'm going to leave
the closet door

yea bit open, right?
So it won't squeak.

Now you wait until he's
good and sound asleep,

and then you just walk
on out of here, okay?

Okay.

If you're hungry,

I brought you some chips.

Cajun style?

Never mind. Just go ahead.

Okay, all right.

Good luck.

Is he asleep?

Get lost.

Getting lost, sir.

Oh, like an open door would
really kill you, Greyson, huh?

So you just left
her in the closet?

I had a foolproof plan
to get her out of there

and the whole thing got spoiled
by this anal-retentive butler.

Mr. Peterson, you
gotta get her out of there.

Oh...

How did I get myself into this?

I should have never
become a house painter.

I should have listened to my
mother and become a matador.

You know, Norm, you
are probably too logical.

What?

Yes, you see, it's an
established psychological fact

that the more
outrageous a lie one tells,

the more readily will
the victim believe it.

You see, if you told Mr. Drake

a sufficiently outlandish
story, odds are he'd buy it.

No, that's impossible.

No, Woody, it's
a stroke of genius.

Frasier, you're brilliant.

That is one of the most
brilliant ideas you've ever had.

And you've had a
lot of brilliant ideas.

Thank you, Carla.

See, Woody? It works.

Bonehead bought it.

All right. All right.

All right, I guess I
just gotta go do this.

I've got to do it.

If it doesn't work out,

tomorrow I'm going to be
shopping for toreador pants.

Hey, where you going?

I gotta get Rebecca
out of the damn closet.

You just left her in the closet?

Where's Frasier, man?

I gotta talk to him.

Where's your date?

She's at my apartment.

I told her I was going
out for some ice.

I don't know,
something's wrong here.

I've been dancing my
brains out and nothing, zilch.

Frasier, you know
that, that beautiful girl

you were treating this morning?

I treated two beautiful
women this morning, Sam.

Which one?

The one that had the
hots for the dancers.

Yes, why?

Well, uh, you didn't cure
her, by any chance, did you?

You don't just "cure"
someone overnight.

Most patients require
dozens of costly sessions

to make even minimal progress.

God, I love this profession.

Well, I don't know.

Something's wrong.

Maybe it's my dancing.

You treated two beautiful
girls this morning?

What did you treat
the other one for?

Um, pyromania.

Pyro... pyromania. Pyro...

What?

Stop! You can't go in there!

Up, sir! Up quick! Bees!

Killer bees are coming
this way from Mexico

and they're hopping mad, sir!

Bees?

Yeah, those suckers could
swarm through here like a buzz saw.

Sir, you don't have any
honey in here, do you?

Peterson, get out of here.

And if you come
back in here again,

I'm going to have Greyson
use his gun. Understood?

Yes, sir!

Hey, he was talking to me,

okay, Greyson?

Look, sir, let me
just get your robe.

I'm very concerned
about these bees.

Well, never mind.

They've gone.

Yeah. There they go.

They're headed up to
Canada or someplace.

What is it?

Bee sting. They're back, sir.

Peterson, what
the hell is going on?

Sir, I'm sorry. I...

I didn't want to have
to tell you this, but...

you're forcing me to.

Oh, please, tell me quickly.

If I don't sleep, I'll die.

And I'm gonna take you with me.

It's, actually, it's
kind of personal.

Do you mind, Greyson?

Sir?

Whatever. Anything that
will get him out of here.

Sir, to begin with, when I
was a little boy, I was very poor.

Peterson, I'm not going

to survive any story that
begins with when you were little.

Oh, right.

Sir, I've had this fantasy
that's haunted me all my life.

At night, when I'm lying in
bed, it comes and torments me.

Oh, I know the feeling.

Yes, sir. Of course you do.

Anyway, this is my fantasy, sir.

It's a little outrageous.

So, uh, just stay with me.

Even though I was born poor
and I'll never be a rich man,

somehow, it wouldn't make
any difference if one time, sir,

just one time,
just one darn time,

I could do something symbolic,

like...

carry a rich man across
the lawn in his pajamas.

Come here.

I know, I know, I know,
it sounds crazy, I know.

Sir, no... sir, I
don't have a fever.

No, I know that.

I'm feeling for
the lobotomy scar.

Sir, sir, please.

Sir, please, please...

All right, all right,
all right, all right!

Look, if I actually

let you do it,

Uh-huh.

Would you promise me,

would you swear on
your mother's grave

that you would let me sleep?

Yes, sir, I swear. I
prom... No, no, no, no, no.

You've got to do
more than promise.

You've got to give
me your solemn oath

as a crazy person.

My oath, my vow, my pledge.

I promise you.

All right, okay.

Thank you so
much, sir. All right.

Thank you, thank
you very much, sir.

Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you so much, sir.

You know, sir, I don't
mean to flatter you,

but you're very
firm for your age.

Thank you very much, sir.

It was everything I
dreamed it would be.

Whoa, hey, whoa,
who made the bed?

I did, sir.

When?

The instant Mr. Drake

vacated the premises.

You mean you came in
here the instant we left

and you haven't left since?

Aw, sir.

Sir.

Sir?

I don't know quite
how to tell you this, sir.

We've got to own up, sir.

I've got to tell you the truth.

Now... ow!

What? What?

Ah! Ah!

Ahh! You should do that
before you go to sleep.

It clears the lungs.

Ahh!

You'll sleep much better.

Sweet dreams.

Hi, sir.

Oh, I knew it, I knew
it. You broke your word.

No, no, no.

You lied to me, Norm.

No, no, no, sir.

You see, I went back
to the bar to tell everyone

about my dream coming true.

And since none of their dreams

have come true, they
wouldn't believe mine.

Why are you doing
this to me? Why?

Sir, my dream is to
have people know

that I carried a rich man
across the lawn in his pajamas.

You're going to hurt me.

No, sir. I just need witnesses.

I've got several
lined up outside.

Greyson would fill
out the troop nicely, sir.

Just a couple minutes,
This is a nightmare.

Then it'd be all over, sir.

You can sleep, I promise.

This isn't happening to me.

This is a nightmare.

Don't worry about it, sir.

We're going out now,
but only for a minute!

Will there be any more bees?

Oh, no, no, no, sir.

You shut your eyes
now. All gone, all gone.

Hey, guys, here they
come. Here they come.

They're coming, they're
coming. He's got Drake.

Oh, here they come.

Yes, Norm.