Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 14 - And God Created Woodman - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh! Oh!

Sam, I think Carla
has a drink order.

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Sammy, I think this could be it.

I think the twins are coming.

Oh. Ooh, ooh!

What do you know?

The Sixers are in town tonight.

Isn't it amazing how
Carla's labor pains

always seem to coincide
with Celtic home games?



Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Wait a minute.

Now, you think
that I would exploit

this beautiful thing
called motherhood

just to go to some
stupid basketball game?

I'm insulted!

Carla, I'm not
falling for it this time.

You can scream till you shatter

every glass in this bar,

but you're not going anywhere.

Sweetheart, you're just going

to have to give birth
right here in the bar.

Come on. It won't be that bad.

Remember, the last kid
you had here was no big deal.



All you had to do was a little

snip-snip and a quick mop-up

and you were right
back on your feet.

Let me call you a cab, Carla.

It's all right. I got one
waiting. Thank you.

Hey, uh, there wouldn't
happen to be another seat

in the delivery
room, would there?

No, no. There are only
seats for me and Eddie, Sam.

Oh, come on.

Maybe next... child.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Announcement! Announcement!

I just got a phone call,

and if things work
out, it might be

my ticket out of here.

Don't you even want
to know what it's about?

There's more?

Yes. I have been asked
to organize a cocktail party

for Mr. Daniel T. Collier.

Ooh, Daniel T. Collier,
the lemon wafer king?

No, no, that's Donald P. Cooper.

Hey, I love those lemon wafers.

You ever dip them in cocoa

and try to get them out
without breaking them?

Yeah, yeah. Do you know you can
make a mock apple pie with those?

Excuse me. Those
are Ritz Crackers.

Stop talking about wafers!

This is Daniel T. Collier,

the chairman of the board,

the chief executive
officer of Lillian.

Oh...

Sammy, don't you have,

like, the slightest bit of guilt

selling this bar to a
corporation named Lillian?

Well, we used to be called

Drax Chemical,
Dye and Munitions,

but people had trouble
believing our motto:

"We care about people."

Okay, I'm going to need
the best of everything:

the best food,

the best liquor.

The best bartenders.

You?

Good one, Sam.

Did I say something funny here?

Well, actually, I
didn't get it either.

I was just laughing
to be polite.

But in my own defense,

I do get some things
that no one else does.

♪ When there's a
shine on your shoes ♪

♪ There's a melody
in your heart ♪

Shiny shoes, huh?

♪ Shiny shoes, shiny shoes. ♪

Ah, gents, notice anything
different about me today?

Okay, I'll go out on a limb.

New shoes?

Yes, siree, Normie.

And for a limited time only,

thanks to the US Postal Service,

you, too, can be
saying to your feet,

"Thanks for your support."

Are we to deduce
from this, Cliff,

that you are now
selling mail-order shoes?

I am not selling
shoes here, Doctor.

I'm selling dreams.

Dreams of a little cobbler in
Missouri who pours his heart

into every sole.

Actually, Cliff, with
a pair of dark socks

those could look halfway decent.

How much are they, Cliff?

$19.99.

Well, what the heck?

For 20 bucks,
I'll give it a shot.

All right, order me a size 11.

Normie, Normie, Normie,

these are not your
assembly line clodhoppers.

These are precisely
machine-measured.

How do I do it then?

Just trace your tootsies
on a cocktail napkin

over here, fellas, all right?

I'll tell you.

This brings back memories

of my dad when I was a kid.

Did you all always used to order

your shoes through the mail?

He was always getting taken

by some huckster.

Sam,

if you were throwing a party,

would you order Dom
Perignon or Cristal?

Cristal.

Dom Perignon it is, then.

This is getting insulting.

You know, I don't think
that she respects us.

What do you mean "us," Sam?

You're the one who goofed
up that champagne thing.

Woody, come on, man.

We're a team.

Is that the insulting part?

This... the point is,

she doesn't think
that we're worthy

of hanging around
with her society friends.

She thinks we're nincompoops.

Nincompoops?

Let's go, Sam.

We're going to talk to her.

What?

Nobody calls Woody
Boyd a nincompoop.

Except my dad.

Miss Howe,

with all due respect,

that nincompoop
crack really hurt.

Woody, I didn't call
you a nincompoop.

All right, then why you won't
let us tend bar at your party?

Is it because you think
we're incompetent?

You think we're
not smooth enough?

You think we're uncouth?

No, I need you here.

Oh, okay.

Let's go, Sam.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

Sam, now, look.

Really, why do you care?

Why on Earth do you
want to work this party?

All right, you know,
by not hiring us,

what you're doing is you're
telling the rest of the world

that Sam Malone is not fit
for the society of decent folks,

that he's incompetent,
that he's a clod.

What about me, Sam?

You, too, Woody.

I'm going to tell you

something, lady.

We may not have
come out of Harvard.

We may not belong
to a yacht club.

We may not have tended
bar at a polo tournament,

but we know how to do our job

and we do it with
dignity and class.

You're right.

I'm sorry. The job is yours.

All right! Whoa, baby!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo, baby!

Lovely party, Rebecca.

Why, thank you, Mr. Collier.

Isn't this place something, Sam?

Ooh, yeah.

I think it's even nicer

than Wheeler's Funeral
Parlor in Hanover.

Of course, that's not the
most fun place in town.

Well, I'll bet not.

That would be
Bob's Funeral Parlor.

Oh, my God.

Woody, is it me or is
that woman gorgeous?

You look nice, Sam,

but I'm going to have
to go with the woman.

Do me a favor
here, will ya, buddy?

Hold down the fort here

while I pass that lady a
tray of smoked Sammy.

Great party, huh?

Yes.

I'll have a Manhattan.

What?

Oh, this.

Well, you think I'm
a bartender, huh?

What do you think you are?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I used to be a bartender,

but now I'm an
eccentric millionaire.

I just dress like
this to remind myself

of my modest beginnings.

Back behind the bar.

I pay her to say that.
It keeps me humble.

Malone, now!

Ooh, that was a good one, huh?

I'm going to have to
give her a raise, huh?

Looking good.

Woody, what are you doing?!

That is not a trash can.

That is a work of art.

Oh, my God.

This is just what I need
is for Collier to see this.

He is a collector.

Oh, hey, let's calm down now.

Nobody's seen anything yet.

Woody, take it in the
kitchen and clean it out.

Sure, Sam. Sorry, Miss Howe.

Woody, go. Just go.

I got you. I got you.

I tell you, Sam.

This is the last time

I'm going to throw one
of these fancy parties.

The next time one of
these hotshots wants...

Don't worry, Ms. Howe.

It was only a tray of glasses.

Thank God. Let's
not tempt fate, Woody.

I'll clean it myself.

They weren't great glasses,
Sam, and they were dirty.

Just a guess here: uh, the vase?

It was there. I was holding it.

It was right in my
hands, and now it's gone.

Maybe we can
glue it back together

and no one will ever know.

Forget that.

Oh!

Just calm down now.

Calm down. It was an accident.

I'm sure Mr. Collier
will understand.

No, he won't.

This isn't the first time

I've goofed up at the company.

I started out as
a junior executive

and I'm diligently working
my way down to the mailroom

with a brief stopover at
that Siberia called Cheers.

Shh-shh. Stop it. Just
calm down here. Calm down.

I know. I'll just resign now,

move back to San Diego,

join the Navy, grow old and die.

Oh...

Boy, Sam, I really
feel sorry for her.

Never thought I'd
say it, but so do I.

Look at this party she
threw together here,

and then that happens. Poor kid.

You think they'll
make me manager?

Hey, yo, over here.

You know, Woody,

I'm about to do a
decent thing here.

Get out.

Yeah.

I'm going to take
the fall for this.

What the hell? I'm
a great bartender.

I can get a job anywhere I want.

Sam, that's the second
nicest thing you've ever done.

Well, thank you.

What's the nicest?

When you let me
drive your Corvette.

Right. Right, right.

That's good. That's good.

Excuse me, young man.

What happened to the
vase that was sitting there?

Somebody move it?

Sir, I have a confession.

My name is Woody Boyd,

and by accident,
I broke your vase.

You...

you broke it?!

You...

Do you know how
many years I waited

to add that to my collection?

Do you realize the
significance of that piece?

No, sir.

And I also broke some glasses.

No, Sam, I can't let you do it.

It wouldn't be right if you...

Uh, Mr. Collier, there's
been a terrible accident.

Yes. This person just told me

how he destroyed my vase.

But Woody didn't do it.

What she means is I
didn't do it on purpose.

Yes, I know.

The only thing that can
match my great disappointment

at losing the vase
is the admiration

that I feel for this boy.

Woody, you showed
great courage and integrity

in stepping up to
face the music here.

Rebecca, would you
mind standing in for Woody

for a little while?

You wouldn't mind, would you?

I'd like to get to
know him better.

You want a drink?

Well, sure.

Well, just tell the girl.

Miss Howe, I'll have
a... gin and tonic.

Well, come on.
She'll bring 'em in.

Oh.

Another Manhattan.

Manhattan, huh?

I own a lot of that, you know?

Right, the eccentric
millionaire routine.

You know, I got to
tell you the truth here.

I'm getting kind of bored
serving all these stiffs drinks.

What do you say you and I go out

and spend some of my money?

What time does
France close anyway?

I think they're remodeling.

Oh.

Have any other suggestions?

Unfortunately, my
mansion's being painted

and my yacht's in dry dock.

Well, let me see...

Oh, I know it. I know it.

You know, my chauffeur's

got a little one-bedroom
apartment downtown.

What do you say you
and I go slumming?

Let me guess:

you're not really
rich at all, are you?

Well, now, define "rich."

I have my health.

I... uh, think I'll just
stick with the drink.

Let me get this straight:

when you thought
that I was a millionaire,

you were ready
to go out with me,

but now that I'm just
a healthy bartender,

you don't want to have
anything to do with me.

I gotta tell you, lady,

that makes you an
incredibly shallow person.

Do you actually think
this sort of approach

is going to work?

Absolutely.

You see, I'm an incredibly
shallow person myself.

Between the two of us,

we couldn't make a
decent wading pool.

What do you say, huh?

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Yeah, well, you probably

caught me out at Fenway, huh?

Of course.

I bought a bag of
peanuts from you.

Another round of brandies
for Butch and Sundance.

They're really, uh,
hitting it off, huh?

I should say so.

They're in there
singing school songs.

If you hate Ivy
League fight songs,

wait till you hear one
from bartending school.

You're not taking
this very well, are you?

What, that little backstabber?

Oh, now cut that out.

Woody took a big risk, you know.

You broke the vase and
he took the blame for it.

It didn't have to
turn out that way.

He just had your
best interest at heart.

I know.

I could just hug him till
his tongue turns black.

You know, I'm not
convinced you're a millionaire,

but I am sold on
the eccentric part.

Well, that's a start.

And since I'm not getting

any interesting
nibbles tonight anyway,

I'm reconsidering your offer.

Nibbles are my specialty.

Great.

Well, what time will
you be getting off?

Oh, listen, I've got to
show you a trick shot.

Now you watch this.

Got you again, Pinky!

You can't do that!

Oh, uh...

You seem to have something
in your eye, Woodhead.

I'll get it for you.

Oh, Pinky, stop!

It's noogie time!

Oh, no! No! No!

No, Woody!

No! No more!

I see our serving wench is here.

I mean, hello, Miss Howe.

Oh, Woody.

I tell you, you have
no idea how hard it is

to find young fellas

with your stuff in
this day and age.

You ought to see the
buttoned-down brats

my granddaughter
drags home from college.

She really deserves someone

more solid, someone real.

Someone with a strong back

and a thick neck, you know?

Someone like you, Woody.

Thank you, sir. I couldn't.

Yeah, I could.

She's out in Vail right
now on a skiing holiday.

I'm going up there tomorrow.

Woody, why don't you join me?

You mean that, Pinky?

You bet I do.

Well, I don't know if Miss
Howe would be too happy...

Oh, she'll be thrilled.

To my toes.

See?

So, great, I'll go tell Jamison

to arrange it right now.

Ah!

Woody, where do
you get these things?!

Go figure, Miss Howe.

I mean, you break the vase,

and I end up being
the big boss' buddy.

Isn't life funny?

Do you mean funny "ha-ha"

or funny "a living nightmare"?

Is something wrong, Miss Howe?

Yes, something is wrong.

I am the one who
should be playing pool.

I'm the one who should be
smoking cigars and drinking brandy.

I'm the one who should be
going out with his granddaughter.

You know what I mean.

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Howe.

I was only trying to help.

Okay, Woody, we're all set.

I'll stop by the bar tomorrow
afternoon and pick you up.

Pinky, I have a confession.

I didn't break your
vase. Miss Howe did.

Whew, glad I got
that off my chest.

You broke my vase?

Well, actually, yes.

That's the most cowardly
thing I have ever heard.

You'd let this fine young
man take the blame

for your clumsiness?

I don't know, Miss Howe.

I'm going to have to
seriously reconsider

your future with
our organization.

Uh, Pinky, wait a minute here.

Uh, Miss Howe
is a very nice lady.

Klutzy, sure, but...

she has a heart of gold.

Well... well, all right.

Woody, if you'll vouch
for her, I'll give her

another chance, I guess.

Thanks, Pinky.

Hey, by the way,
your barn door's open.

Woody!

Hey, everybody.

Look what the shoe
fairy left under my pillow.

Okay, Fox and
Hounds, that's you, Pete.

Uh, Hugh, you
had the Executives.

Uh, Norm, you had
the Old Smoothies,

didn't you?

Uh, let's see... Frasier.

Would you give those to Frasier?

All right, who had
the, uh, Playboy?

Who else?

Hold it. Hold it.

Wait a minute.

You bought shoes from
Boston's fashion king,

Oh Leg the Weenie?

Yeah.

I can't leave you guys
alone for a minute.

Hey, Cliff, I got
to hand it to you.

These are really comfortable.

Eh, you bet ya.

What style are these?

The Star Fighter.

Oh.

Yes.

I was sorely tempted
to get the Coup de Villes,

but, uh, I do
love tassels, so...

Cliffie, mine squeak.

Uh, after a few weeks
of constant wear,

it'll be all right.

Make it stop.

Normie, what's the big deal?

I mean, squeaky shoes are
only a problem if you're a mugger.

Cliff, mine are a
little squeaky, too.

Mine are squeaking, too, Cliff.

In E Minor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
stop! Freeze, everybody.

Back on your barstools
right now. Go on.

Hurry up.

Thank you.

Miss Howe.

May I see you for a moment?

Yes, sir.

He's changed his mind.

I'm doomed.

Next stop: hell.

Compliment his tie.

Last night at the party someone
broke an irreplaceable vase.

That's a very nice tie.

Are you listening to me?

We found the
remains in the trash.

Now, is it any of your people?

You mean you don't
know who broke it?

Unfortunately, I had a
little too much to drink.

The whole evening's
rather foggy.

And you mean you
don't remember anything,

and you have no idea

who did it?

No, but when I find out,

they're going to wish they
never crossed my path.

'Cause I'll find

a way to make their life

a living hell.

I don't blame you.

And you know, when
you find out who did it,

give me a call, because
I'd like to give them

a piece of my mind.

- Guess who, Pinky?!
- Woody! Woody!

What in God's name do
you think you're doing?

Oh, I'll show you
what I'm doing. Ah!

Noogie!

Who is this madman?

This is Woody Boyd.

Woody,

last night, a very valuable vase

was broken at Mr. Collier's.

But he doesn't
remember who did it.

Of course he knows
who did it. It was...

Fire! Fire!

What fire?

Now wait. Hold it! Now hold it.

There is no fire.

She didn't say "fire."

Uh, she said "flyer."

Yes, yes, I thought I saw
Amelia Earhart up there.

Great, uh,

nice save, Rebecca.

What in God's name
is going on here?

Well, it's the, uh...

Squeaky Shoe Club.

Look, I intend to get
to the bottom of this.

Now Miss Howe, you were in
charge of that party last night.

Do you or do you not
know who broke my vase?

Of course she does.

I certainly do.

It's time the truth came out.

It was... Me.

No, Sam. Yes, Rebecca.

I want to do this.

You, huh?

Sir...

you have grit.

You don't ski by
any chance, do you?