Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 13 - Woody for Hire, Meets Norman of the Apes - full transcript

While discussing exciting things in their lives, Woody tells the gang that he was just an extra on the TV show Spenser: For Hire (1985), and that he had rubbed elbows with its star, Robert Urich. Everyone is excited for Woody until they see the episode on TV, where Woody claims that the ubiquitous "white shirt" on the screen is him. After that, everyone in the bar is skeptical of his story, until... Meanwhile, Norm is painting Cliff's apartment. Norm is expecting to get paid, while Cliff is expecting it to be a freebie, especially in light of the fact that Norm painted Ma Clavin's house for free - when Norm was not a professional painter - and that Cliff regards painting as menial work that even a trained monkey could do. This disagreement causes a rift between friends. A tit for tat may either resolve the rift or make it worse. Elsewhere in the bar, Rebecca has booked the pool room to a woman's book club every Sunday night to add a little class to the establishment. The book club adds something to the bar, but class is probably not among those attributes.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hello.

Carla, what are you doing in?

You're not due in
for another hour.

I had to get out of my
house. It was a zoo.

Serafina took the hedge
clippers to the shag carpet.

Little Lotte unplugged
the refrigerator

to see if frozen peas
melt faster than ice cream.

Gino made a volcano
for a science project

in the microwave.

And on top of everything else,



me and Eddie had a big fight.

Oh, geez, what about?

He had the nerve to say I don't
know how to control my kids.

I don't know. We just

Hello. Cheers can't seem to see

eye to eye on the right
way to discipline 'em.

Carla, it's for you. Oh...

God...

Hello.

I thought we settled this.

No, you definitely
cannot hit him.

No, you cannot
lock him in the closet,

and you absolutely cannot wash

his mouth out with soap.



Anne-Marie, you untie
your stepfather right now!

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Cheers.

Yeah, hi, Carla.

Bye, Carla.

Hey, what was that about?

Uh, it's just... Carla
reminding us it's her night off.

Normie, you, uh... you ever feel

like we're getting
in a little rut here?

How do you mean, Cliff?

Well, every day, we
come into the same bar,

sit on the same stools,
drink beer, night after...

I mean, there's
got to be something

a little bit more to life.

Cliffie, for the last time,

I am not changing
barstools with you.

Well, I, for one,
applaud your desire

to shake things up a bit, Cliff.

Sometimes I think

I'd give anything for a
change... No matter how slight...

In this deadly,
unvarying routine of life.

What can I get you, Dr. Crane?

The usual.

So, Sam, uh, anything

interesting in the
corporate newsletter there?

Oh, well, let's see
here. Uh... yes.

Did you know that the, uh,
corporation that owns this bar

purchases one percent of all
the string made in America?

Whoo! My blood
pressure, Sam, please.

Aw, come on, guys.

There must be something
going on in our lives

that we can talk about.

Well, Norm, what
did you do today?

Well, I just about finished
the first coat of paint

at Cliff's apartment.

Oh, yawns all around. Next?

Oh, I got a ticket this weekend.

Oh, Woody, we're
not that desperate.

Ah, speak for yourself.
Parking or moving?

Parking, but it
was my own fault.

I, uh... I let the meter run out

while I was watching
them film Spencer for Hire.

What?

Spencer for Hire?
That's my favorite!

Was Robert Urich there?

Oh, yeah. It's his show.

And you saw him?

Oh, my God!

Oh, eh, well, Normie
over here's met him.

You lie!

What's he really like?

Well, you know,

he just sped past me in his BMW,

but he seemed like a
real courteous driver.

You know, I've
heard that about him.

Oh, would...

would you stop it?

I mean, the guy puts his
pants on one leg at a time

just like everybody else.

Why is everybody
so gaga over actors?

Hold it, hold it.

I'm still picturing him with his
pants down around his ankles.

So, Wood, how long
did you watch them film?

Till some guy came up and put
me in one of the crowd scenes.

Now, wait... You were
in a scene with him?!

I can't believe it!

Woody!

Whoa! You're going
to be on national TV?

Weren't you nervous?

Oh, yeah, I was, until
I talked to Mr. Urich.

You talked to him?

I'm dying! What did he say?

He said it was a cold day.

And what did you say?

I agreed with him.

Ooh, good move.

Then I loaned him my gloves.

Yeah? What'd he say?

Thanks.

Oh! Can't you

just hear him?

You know, the truth
is I know how you feel.

I felt the same way
about Haley Mills...

when I was 12.

When weren't you 12?

Hello, ladies, can I help you?

We're here about the book club.

Oh, you probably
have us confused

with the public library.

Happens all the time.
It's two blocks down.

This is Cheers, isn't it?
- Oh, yes.

But there's no way... Excuse
me. I'm Rebecca Howe.

- You must be Mrs. Miller.
- Yes.

We're here to make
the final arrangements

for our Sunday night meetings.

Great. Well, let me
show you the back room.

I hope everything
suits your needs.

Yoo-hoo! Uh, Miss Howe,
can I speak to you for a minute?

Uh, you go on ahead,

and I'll join you
in just a minute.

What is... what is this
about a-a book club?

Ever since I arrived here,

I have been desperately trying

to upgrade the
clientele in this bar.

We will upgrade
some other night.

Sunday is the night that we
have our weekly pool tournament.

You said it. That's right.

Well, just have your pool
tournament another night.

Oh, right!

Like we can, uh, rearrange
our schedule here. Right.

Well, what about Monday night?

Yo, guys, we got a lady
right off the boat here,

doesn't speak any English.

Tell her what happens
Monday night, will you, please?

Football!

How about Tuesday?

Darts Night.

Wednesday?

Well, recovery from Darts Night.

Thursday's Poker Night.

Friday's a night to howl.

And, uh, Saturday
night is Date Night,

so, uh, where
does that leave us?

Horny on Sundays. Yo.

The book club will meet
here on Sunday, period.

Miss Howe? SAM: Oh, come...!

We have a few questions.

Of course. FRASIER:
Say, excuse me.

I don't mean to be rude,

but, uh, do you ladies
comprise a book club?

Yes, that's right.

Well, the salon of the '80s.

You know, it's encouraging
to meet a group of adults

who still read in
this day and age

rather than pay homage
to the great god, television.

I can't tell you how
heartened I am... Excuse me.

I have a cigarette
going back there.

Of course. MAN: Hey, Woody,

when you were on the set there,
you see any famous actresses?

Huh? No.

What about all the
drug stuff you hear

about in show business...
See any of that?

No.

There's a lot of that

juicy backstabbing

going on on the set? No.

Hey, guys, you got
to hear these stories.

Yeah.

So, uh, Normie,
you think you'll be,

uh, through, uh, painting my
apartment tomorrow, or what?

Yeah, I'll finish up tomorrow.

Can you have a, uh,
check ready for me, Cliff?

Well, I'll, uh...
give you one now.

Uh, okay, pay to the
order of Norman Peterson...

one zillion dollars!

There you go!

Buy yourself a
yacht, young fella.

Cliff, uh,

you are going to pay
me for this job, aren't you?

Hey, Normie, look, you,
uh, didn't charge me last year

when you painted
Ma's house, did you?

Well, that was before
I was a professional.

Oh, I'll say. We never did
get those windows unstuck.

Cliff, I finished
half your place.

I'll be happy to come by
and finish the rest of it, okay?

I'd appreciate a check.
If you've got a problem

with that, why don't we work out
a payment schedule right now?

Look, uh, Norm,
money is not a problem.

You know that. It's just, uh,
well, I'm not a cheap man.

Oh, a statement I'll wager
has never been uttered

by anyone but a cheap man.

Look, Norm, if I knew you were

going to charge me for all this,

I would've demanded
a better job.

Now, I've been letting
you slide, buddy.

If you think the
work is so worthless,

just finish it yourself, Cliff.

Well, uh, not that I couldn't.

I mean, it doesn't exactly
take a Phi Beta Kappa

to stick a brush in a bucket,
slap it on a wall, does it?

I mean, any monkey can
do that, huh? Oh, yeah,

as opposed to the high level
of skill and precision it takes

to shove a postcard
through a slot.

That's enough, enough,
okay, enough, Normie.

I'm, uh, waiting for an apology.

Fine. I'll drop it in the mail.
That way, you'll never get it.

Well...

I certainly don't have to
stand here and take that.

Mm, good news, everyone.

I've found a way
to make him leave.

You'll rue this day, my friend.

I am going to make a
laughingstock out of you

in front of your whole
pseudo-profession.

Very Joan Crawford.

Oh, glad you guys could make it.

Hey, wipe your feet
there, would you?

Hey, Mr. C., uh, what
time's the game start?

Oh, any minute
now, there, Woody.

Hey, look at this place.

So this is what you
finally picked out, huh?

Oh, yeah. Was it everything

you'd thought it
be, there, Sammy?

No, no, I like it.

Well, you know,
I've been meaning

to have you guys over
here for a while now.

I want to take this
opportunity to, uh,

make a public apology
to my pal Normie here.

I got out of line a little bit,

uh, the other night in the bar,

and, uh, I just hope you
can, uh, find it in your heart

to forgive me, there, Norm.

Don't worry about it. I said
some stupid things, too.

All right! Hey,
hey, see that apple

in the underwear
commercial there? Yeah.

He played a doorman
in my Spencer for Hire.

Oh, yeah?

Talk about range.

You know, it's actually
a good paint job, Cliff.

Oh, yeah, thanks, there, Normie.

You know, I, uh... you know,

I thought I could
do this by myself,

but, uh, when I
started, I realized

that I needed somebody
with your specialized skills

and talents, eh...

Well, well, takes a big man

to admit that, Cliff. Ah...

Glad you appreciate the
value of professional labor.

Oh, yeah, I sure do, uh...

Listen, if you guys don't
mind, I'd like to introduce you

to the, uh, skilled artisan
who did this fine work.

Yeah, he's in the, uh,
bathroom over here, finishing up.

Uh, hey, Duane, come out here.

Cheers.

Oh, hang on a second.

Mr. Peterson, it's Mr. Clavin.

Come on, now, it's
been a whole week.

Maybe he wants

to make up.

Take a message.

Can I take a message?

Okeydokey.

What'd he say?

What are you doing, there?

Miss Howe put moi in
charge of refreshments

for the book club.

Well, yeah, but what are those?

Finger sandwiches.

You know, the part that takes

the most time is getting
that middle knuckle right.

Woody, they don't actually
have to look like fingers.

Yeah, right, Sam.

Boy, it hardly
feels like a Sunday

without a pool cue
in my hand. Yeah.

Why don't we go to Old Town
Tavern, shoot some stick?

No, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, are you kidding?
Tonight happens to be

Woody's big debut
on Spencer for Hire.

Can't imagine what
it's going to be like

to see, uh, somebody
we actually know

up on that TV screen. Yeah.

Well, Norm, I'm-I'm
loathe to chide you

for your short memory,
but I appeared on the tube

just a few short weeks ago.

Oh, well, yeah, Frasier, uh,

no offense, but a bunch of
do-gooders sitting around

jabbering about a
nuclear freeze is one thing.

We're talking prime
time cop show here.

Evening, ladies.

I'm really excited

about you being here.

The rest of your group's
already in the back.

Oh, thank you very much.

It should be a special evening.

Tonight, we're discussing
English agrarian life

before the Reform Bill

as portrayed in
Elliot's Middlemarch.

Would you care to join us?

You know, actually,

we were just discussing
that at the bar,

and I'm a little
burned out on it. Oh.

Miss Howe?

I put the tea and the lemonade

in the back for the ladies,

and, uh, these
are ready for you.

Thank you, Woody.

Woody, when I said I
wanted finger sandwich...

These look delicious.

Excuse me.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm missing something in my tea.

All right, uh, lemon
here? Sugar?

A touch of brandy.

Ah. Well, all right.

There you go.

Don't be shy.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Hey, hey, everybody.
My Spencer for Hire is on.

Woody, when's your big scene?

It's hard to tell.

You know, in television,
we shoot out of sequence.

I wonder if you might
have a little gin back there.

Gin, in a bar?

Uh... whoa!

It's your lucky
day. There you go.

Thank you.

See, I've had this cold.

That's, that's the
street I was on!

That's my scene!

Woody! Woody! Woody!

There I am! Where?! Where?!

Where are you?

There! Right
there in the corner!

That's a fire hydrant.

No, no, right next to it.

That's my sleeve!

Woody, we can't see your face.

What?! Don't you
recognize my shirt?

That distinctive
plain white one?

All right, well, now it's gone

to commercial. You missed it.

Oh, Woody, you telling me...?

That's it?! MAN: Hey, you know,

lots of people
have white shirts.

And arms.

How do we know

you were even on
the show, Woody?

Of course I was.

Oh, you got to believe me.

Oh, yeah, I bet that's you

driving the little chuck
wagon right now, huh?

Yah! Yah!

No, no, no. I swear.

I met Robert Urich
and everything.

Yeah, Wood, let us
know when your pants

are on Dallas.

♪ What shall we do
with a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What shall we do
with a drunken sailor ♪

♪ What shall we do
with a drunken sailor ♪

♪ Earl-aye in the morning? ♪

♪ Hey-oh, up she rises ♪

God, not again.

♪ Hey-oh, up she
rises, hey-oh... ♪

What the hell is
happening to our book club?

I think it had something to do

with that last
round of margaritas.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

That does it!

I am putting a stop
to this right now.

No, let me handle
this. You're not used to

dealing with those
rowdy book club types.

Sam, this is my
bar. I am in charge.

All right. I am perfectly
capable of restoring order.

You are so cute
when you're macho.

Hey, Woods.

I'm just curious, um,

did a lot of other shirts
audition for that role?

Hey, Woody,

there's an article in
here that says your shirt

is now dating Morgan Fairchild.

But she says
they're just friends.

Come on, guys.

I'm telling you,
I really did do it.

Sure thing, Woody.

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Robert Urich.

Yeah, yeah, this is
your old pal, Woody.

Oh, well, I thought

your performance was
wonderful tonight, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What? Oh, uh, yeah, that shirt?

Yeah, I-I picked it out myself.

Uh, Sears, I think.

Yeah, okay, well,
thanks for calling.

I'll see you around the studio.

All right, bye.

See?

How could we have
ever doubted him?

Boy, do we have
egg on our face, huh?

Go on!

Boy you sure, uh...

you sure taught them
a lesson, didn't you?

By the way, what,

what do they do
with a drunken sailor?

Malone?

Get in there.

Oh, so you do need me, huh?

The right man for the job.

No, no, no. You
don't understand.

They asked for you.

They did?

Yes, they said,

"Send in..."

Did you hear that?
What did you...?

Could you say
that slower, please?

"The tall hunk with
the rippling rump."

And you automatically
thought of me.

Isn't that interesting?

Would you just get
them out of here, please?

I will ripple them
into submission.

Are you catching that?

Said the monkey to the...

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hi, Cliff. Hey,
where's your monkey?

Oh, no, it's not my monkey.

I just rented him to play a
little, uh, joke on Normie.

Good one, huh, Zippy?

Yeah, it gets funnier

every time you
mention it, Cliff.

It was funny when
you sent me over

that crate of bananas,
really funny when you

started having my mail
addressed to "Cheetah."

Particularly hilarious when
you sent over the organ grinder.

You know, Cliff, you just
keep getting funnier and funnier.

You get any funnier,
I may have to kill you.

Ho! Ho! ho! Ho!

That's it, call the cops.

What are they doing?

They're grabbing me, teasing me,

making fun of me, and...

stuffing money down my shorts.

Hey, small bills, too.

That's great.

Fresh meat!

Fresh meat!

Send in the young one!

Fresh meat! Fresh meat!

Say, is the, uh, book
club still meeting?

After a fashion.

Oh, well, good.

You know, I
dropped by the office

and dug up an old paper I
wrote when I was an undergrad.

I was always rather proud of it.

So I thought I might
share it with them.

Frase, I don't think
you understand

what's going on back there.

Oh, Sam, you're hardly one

to condescend to me.

Oh, ladies!

Good God!

Please! I'm a doctor.

Good night.

Bye-bye.

Good night. Good night.

Thank you.

Good night.

20...

40. Yeah. Not bad.

Not bad for a night's work.

You got for... I only got ten.

Well, Sam, perhaps
you didn't, uh,

shake it until they
couldn't take it.

Now, let me see.
Where are my keys?

Oh, that's right.

I was using them as castanets.

What are you doing, Woody?

I'm wringing my
hands with guilt.

Oh.

I don't think I've
actually seen that before.

Why?

I told a terrible lie
to the guys, Sam.

Oh, you mean about
being on that TV show?

No, no, that was true, but...

I got a telephone
call, and I pretended it

was Robert Urich
on the other end.

I mean, I-I didn't hurt
anybody or anything.

Although your-your plumber
seemed a little confused.

Well, I'm...

Don't worry about it.

I'm sure everyone
will forgive you.

But it was a lie, Sam,

and I've never
told a lie before.

What? No, no, wait.

That's a lie.
I-I've told lies...

See, now, that's two lies.

See how much easier it gets?

Oh, my God, I'm out of control.

What's next? Murder?

No, no, hey, Woody,
Woody, Woody...

Woody, Woody.

Looks like the old
pool tournament

is out again for next week.

Yeah. Oh, yeah? Fancy that.

Well, did you tell Norm?

When he hears
that, he'll go ape.

Cliff, your delivery of jokes

is as bad as your
delivery of the mail.

Oh! Oh!

Mighty Joe Young
strikes back there.

How'd you become
a mailman anyway?

What, did you flunk
out of tollbooth school?

Hey, all right, now,
that's a good one.

Yep.

Know why, uh, dogs hate mailmen?

They just want to
be like everyone else.

All right, that's
it. It's go time.

Okay, fellas, this is the guy
I've been telling you about.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

No, come on! Come on! Come
on! Cli... Look at yourselves, here.

Cliff! Cliff, this is
your friend, Norm.

Norm, this is your buddy, Cliff.

You don't want to do this.

Now, do you?

All right, all right! Hey, whoa!

Somebody help me
here, man, will you?

Hey, stop! Hey, stop it, now.

Listen, I...

You guys have
been friends for years.

Think of all the things
you've done together.

You, you... Drinking
beer together.

And I'm sure there's
a lot of other stuff, too.

Hey, you know,

you're partly at fault here.

You made fun of his profession,

and you refused to pay him.

And you, Norm...

Actually, you didn't do
anything at all, did you?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you let me hold
him, and you biff him one?

I don't know, Sammy.

I just want this
to be over with.

Yeah, me, too.

Well, I'm sorry, Norm.

Just... make out
a bill, and I'll pay it.

I'll give you that discount.

All right, uh, I...

I guess that monkey stuff
was a little bit out of line, huh?

It was actually
pretty funny, but...

It's a small man who can't laugh
at his own profession, you know?

Yeah. I just want to let
bygones be bygones, all right?

And the important thing is
we're just... still friends, hmm?

You mind, guys?

Oh, oh, no, sorry, sorry.

Hey, hey, come on.

Yeah, Normie, I'm, uh,

I'm sort of sorry about
everything that happened.

Oh, well, Cliff,
I'm even sorrier

for what's about to happen.

Huh? What do you mean?

You're dead meat, Peterson!

Let's go shoot some stick.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Bob, how are you doing?

Fine. Look, I was
just passing by,

and I wanted to
return your gloves.

Thanks for letting me use
them. Hey, my pleasure.

Listen, could you hang
on a second? Sure.

I got some friends
you'd love to meet.

Yeah.

Miss Howe?

You'll never guess who's here.

Bob Urich.

Woody, it's been
a horrible night.

I'm really not in the
mood to be teased.

No, no, it's the truth.
He's really here.

Woody, go away!

She's a big fan of yours.

Hey, guys!

Bob Urich's here.

Oh, sure, Wood.

Who's he with, Liz Taylor?

You're not, are you?

No.

Look, uh, Woody, uh,
we were shooting late,

and I'm having a
few people over.

You want to come by?

You bet.

Yeah, come on. Great.

The car's right outside.

Could you hang on a
second? I want to check here.

Sure. Hey, Sam, uh...

Yeah? Robert Urich's here.

Uh, he wants me to
go over to his house.

Can I leave?

Woody, Woody, Wo...

All right, yeah,
whatever you say.

Great, we're out of here.

Good night.

No.