Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 9 - Thanksgiving Orphans - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, Sam!

Hey, Woody. Is it all right

if I hang some Christmas
decorations in here?

Sure. Boy, is it
that time again?

Wow, Christmas comes
earlier every year, doesn't it?

I think if you check, Sam,

it always comes on
the 25th of December.

Of course, of course, of course.

Thank you, Woody, thank you.

Oh, look at that, will ya?



Nice Rudolph.

I made him myself.

No kidding?

You know, uh, Rudolph
is my favorite guy

in the Christmas songs.

Yeah.

You know, apparently
then, Woody, you're unaware

that the story of Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer

is one of the most unrealistic,

and therefore
potentially damaging

in all of children's music.

It gives them a horribly
distorted view of reality.

Yeah, but you gotta
admit, it's easy to whistle.

Look, I'm serious.



You know, first the
other reindeer tease

and then ostracize him.

And then when his abnormality
proves of service, they use him.

But then do they
allow him to play

in their stupid reindeer games?

Yes.

Oh, no, no, no,

I know how the song goes.

In fact,

not only do Donner,
Blitzen, et al,

not love him and
laugh out with glee,

but they doubly despise
the bulbous-nosed little wimp.

Well, I gotta be off.

Happy Holidays!

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Prithee, friends,
what thinkst thou?

You look ridiculous.

I beg your pardon.

This is an absolutely
authentic example

of feminine colonial headwear.

I'm sorry.

Thou lookest ridiculous.

Hey, Miss Chambers,
what's the pilgrim get-up for?

Oh, I was hoping
somebody might ask.

We're gonna have
to talk later, Woody.

My graduate American Literature
professor, Doctor Narsutis,

annually recreates the first
Thanksgiving dinner at his home.

He only invites two or
three favored students

to break bread with his family
and other honored guests

such as William Styron.

And guess who's
going to be there?

William Styron?

Yes, Woody.

Ah, heck, anybody coulda got it

if they'd really been listening.

What a wonderful
opportunity for you, Diane.

You know, perhaps in the evening

you can establish a
rapport with Mr. Styron

while passing the yams.

Who knows? Come pie time,

he may well have
taken you under his wing

and launched you
into the literary galaxy.

Frasier, you and
I are of like mind.

Except one of us is kidding.

Sam, I had thought we would
spend the holidays together,

but when you made no
move in that direction,

I made these alternate plans.

I hope it won't
spoil your holiday.

Thank you. No, I, I
have, I have other plans.

Oh, good. I'm glad to hear that.

And in all fairness,
I will understand

if you get an
escort for the day.

It really wouldn't hurt my
feelings in the slightest.

Good. Good, good,

'cause I already have
a date with Wendy.

How could you?

Now you just said that
it was okay, didn't you?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

Besides, I know that

we'll have many
holidays together

when you and I are one.

You already are one, Diane.

So, what's everybody else doing?

Oh, the holidays
just kind of snuck up...

My mother-in-law...

Yeah, that sounds like fun, too.

Well, I'm on my own this year.

Kids aren't with ya?

Nah. They're in
Atlantic City with Nick.

Yeah, this is my first
Thanksgiving away from home.

I mean, unless
you count last year.

Wait a second. Listen to you.

Carla, you have a new place.

You could have
a little gathering.

Forget it.

Oh, come on.

What could be more enjoyable

than opening your
heart with holiday cheer?

Opening yours with a can opener?

That sounds great!

No, I meant the first
part, Miss Chambers.

Well, why not?

But it's gonna
have to be potluck.

Sammy, why don't you
bring your date and join us?

All right.

Tell you what, Carla.
I'm good for dessert.

So I've been told.

You know, I'm glad to see

that you're all fending
off the holiday blues.

This time of year is
filled with arguments,

suicides, murders.

Yeah, I guess it's the seasonal
happiness of others tends

to throw a glaring
light on the flaws

in our own interpersonal
relationships.

But see, of course,
that's no problem for me.

I'm alone.

Wanna join us for
some bird, Frasier?

Could I?

Sure. The more the merrier.

Hey, so, uh, what time do
you want us there, Carla?

What do you mean "us," Clavin?

Well, you know...

This party

is for lonelies, not homelies.

Besides, you'll be
with your mother.

No, no, not this year.

Uh, she's goin' down

and ladle out some
cream of something

to the folks down at
the Rescue Mission.

Yeah. Oh, how sweet.

Why don't you join her?

Are you kiddin'?

I did my part this year.

I was in "Hands Across
America," remember?

Oh. Okay.

All right.

Norm, how about you and Vera?

Yeah?

No, I can't make it this year.

Why not? I mean, we
never even met Vera.

Yeah.

No, we gotta go
to Vera's mother's.

Such a drag.

No beer, no TV,
heat turned up to 80.

That's all right,
Normie, you know.

You gotta do what your
little wifey wants you to do.

You either got 'em or you don't.

All right.

You know somethin',
Cliff, you're absolutely right.

Eight years I've been
goin' to that old bat's house.

I think Vera owes
me one, all right?

I'm gonna march into that house.

I'm just gonna say,

"Vera, this year we're goin'
to Carla's for Thanksgiving.

That's the last I wanna
hear on the subject."

All right! Good for you, Norm.

Okay, Norm's out.

Just count me in,
all right? You'll see.

Well, my house, noonish?

Oh, this is gonna
be the greatest, huh?

All right.

Well, I'm so relieved.

Now I don't have to worry

about my poor little
Thanksgiving orphans

whilst I sup with the literati.

Boy, you know, I don't
know who's luckier.

You, 'cause you get
to go to that great party,

or us 'cause you get
to go to that great party.

Taken down at the 40.

And there's the gun
ending the first half.

Yeah, this is just
like bein' back home.

Yeah, hey, uh,
Carla, look, I, uh,

I really wanna tell ya
how much I appreciate

you, uh, invitin' me over here.

Don't mention it.

I, uh, really appreciate it.

No, I mean, don't ever mention

to anyone that I let
you in this house.

May I change the channel

or are you guys watching
this halftime salute

to our fabulous universe?

No, go ahead.

Oh, the parade.

And who's this flying our way?

None other than a
60-foot Mighty Mouse.

All right, Mighty Mouse!

I'll get it.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Where's Vera?

She's, uh, she's gonna
put on a little more makeup.

That, uh, first coat
didn't really take.

She is comin', isn't she?

Well, uh, maybe.

Well, what're you
sayin' there, Normie?

We had the worst
fight of our marriage.

Oh, it's tough.

She knew how much
this meant to me

and she still insisted
on goin' to her mother's.

So I told her, "Look,
I'm goin' to Carla's.

"You wanna meet me there, fine.

"If you want to go
to your mother's,

you can just stay there."

Brutal.

Well, you know, Norm,

I don't think you
should worry about it.

She'll probably come to
her senses and show up.

The important thing is
that you're here with us now.

This is gonna be the
best Thanksgiving ever.

All right, Woody.

You know, I brought
that turkey and, uh...

Mr. P., that turkey
seems kinda big and raw.

You think it's gonna be
ready in time for dinner?

Well, I had planned on just a
bit more cookin' time, Woods,

but, uh, traffic on I-93
was bumper-to-bumper.

I-93? I took the side streets.

I got here in 35 minutes, buddy.

You didn't take Mass
Avenue all the way?

I took Commonwealth.

I need the quickest way to
get to the kitchen right now.

Oh, yeah, come on.

I'll show you
where everything is.

Oh, hey, no waitin'
around for my contribution.

Here ya go.

Popcorn balls!

Chow down, hear?

Hey, aren't these
what you brought

to the Halloween party?

Well, yeah, they're a
perennial favorite, Woodman.

Yeah, but aren't these the ones

you brought to the
Halloween party?

Hi.

Oh, hi, Sammy. I thought
maybe you were Vera.

Boy, I can't wait to meet her.

Sammy, yo!

Hey, Sammy! Hey, Sam.

So, uh, where's your date?

Oh. Well, there's
a change of plans.

Her sister showed
up from out of town

and they didn't like my idea,
so what the hell, you know?

Hey, guys.

Hey, yeah, watch the parade.

You know, the important thing
is that you're here now, huh?

We're all here.

This is gonna be the greatest.

Yeah. Who needs family?

You know, Woody, you're right.

Family is not necessarily

limited to blood relations.

That's right.

Uh, this is much better
than, uh, hangin' around

with a bunch of dingbat
cousins all day long

that you don't get to
see but once a year, huh?

Yeah, or waiting for some
duddy old aunt to show up

and spoil all your fun.

Gobble, gobble!

Come on, open the door.

No, no...

It's Thanksgiving, Carla.

Oh! Okay...

maybe she'll choke
on a drumstick.

Yeah.

Thank you, Carla.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Miss Chambers.

Hey, uh, Diane.

Ooh, Carla, I like what
you've done with the place.

What do you want?

Well, I decided that I'd
rather be among friends

than with my
stuffy old professor.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

What happened?

Oh... Come on.

I'm afraid my golden
afternoon turned to dross.

I thought it was clouding up.

The moment I arrived at
the home of my professor,

I was greeted by a man with a
clipboard who handed me a tray

and told me to serve a
daiquiri to Ms. Radziwill.

Oh...

We students were
invited as domestic help.

That might be all right when
you're a wide-eyed 19-year-old,

but it's certainly not all
right when you're... not.

We're all... we're
very sorry, Diane.

Thank you, Sam.

Yeah.

Well, at least you told
that pinhead off, didn't ya?

Oh, I dropped the
tray, burst into tears,

took a moment to freshen
up my mascara, and fled.

The important thing is
you're here now, huh?

This is gonna be great.

Would somebody put
a gag on Andy Hardy?

You know, Diane, if I were you,

I'd call that guy up

and nail his
sheepskin to the wall.

You're absolutely right.

Hey, better yet.

Why don't you go on over
there and tell him in person?

Yeah, good idea.
Yeah, that's right.

Hello, Dr. Narsutis?

This is Diane Chambers.

I... yes, the one who fled.

Listen, I... I beg your pardon?

Well, yes, of course I
accept your apology.

He's invited me back.

Go, go. Go.

Dr. Narsutis,
I'm sorry, I can't.

I'm here with my friends,

my support system,

and there's really
no place I'd rather be.

I trust this won't
affect my grade?

Thank you.

Good day, sir.

Turned him down, huh?

Now that I find myself in
the warmth of your company

how could I possibly go?

Take Mass Ave.

I-93.

You holiday hooligans.

Give me a beer.

So, Sam... Thanks.

Where's your date?

Oh, change of plans.

Her sister showed up.

Of course she did.

Chortle, chortle.

No, I'm serious.

I had a date and
it fell through.

Oh, you don't have
to convince me, Sam.

I believe you.

I'm telling you the truth.

And I love you for it.

How's the turkey
doing there, Norm?

I'd say pretty good
for about five minutes.

Oh.

Hey, half-time's over.
The game's back on.

Oh, great.

Oh, you're watching sports?

Hey, don't worry
about it, Diane.

Game's almost over.

Oh, I hope so.

Knocked away and
it's incomplete at the 45.

Yeah, I deliver his mail.

Isn't this game over yet?

Not yet.

Well, their uniforms

are different
colors than before.

Uh, well, they gotta change them

every time they score
a touchdown, Diane.

Hey, Normie,

where the hell is that bird?

Cliffy, it's a big turkey.

So are you.

With a tremendous body slam!

Now wait a minute!

Diane, Diane, you're
absolutely right.

You know, let's turn it
back on the football, guys.

There you go. No, no, no!

Enough is enough!

I don't think
watching television

was the pilgrims'
original intent

when they created the holiday.

Well, uh...

No, hey, hey,
hey... Hey, come on!

All right, all right,
look, look, look, look,

the turkey's
probably almost done.

Let's just adjourn to
the dining room, huh?

All right!

I second that emotion.

Okay, we'll be sitting

boy-girl, boy-girl.

Clavin, you can sit anywhere.

Somebody save me a seat.

I got to see a
man about a horse.

He doesn't really have to
see a man about a horse.

All right.

Well, what do you say
we, uh, dig into this, uh,

Jell-O surprise here?

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...

we're not eating

until the turkey
is on the table.

Everybody went
to a lot of bother

to make this fine meal.

We're not going
to eat it in pieces.

Keep your hands off the food.

Listen, guys, the, uh,

turkey's not exactly
brown just yet.

What color is it, then?

Off-white.

But I've reset the timer
and I turned up the gas.

I expect the little pop thing

will be popping
out any time now.

Great. Well, I hope it
hurries 'cause I'm starved.

Well, I suggest we take
advantage of the delay

and engage in one
of my family's favorite

little Thanksgiving traditions.

Sam, I know you're
standing in the hallway.

Get in here.

Rats.

In lieu of grace,

we stand up and take turns

toasting that for
which we are thankful.

Since you're already standing,
Sam, why don't you begin?

All right, I'm, uh...

I'm thankful that I have a
super car and a cool stereo

and that I'm not dressed
in a pilgrim's outfit.

I'll drink to that.

You make a
mockery of everything.

Oh, well...

Hey, can I go next?

I don't see a line.

Woody. Woody. Woody.

Uh...

I'm thankful that
I'm an American.

Hey, all right.

I'm thankful for the upbringing

my parents gave me.

Uh, I'm thankful
for all the friends

I've made in Boston.

And, uh...

I'm thankful that I can do this.

Yo!

Put it away.

Hey, can you guys do this?

Oh!

That makes my thing
look kinda stupid.

I can wiggle my
ears, watch this.

You guys ever see
tongue push-ups?

Look at these ears flapping.

Watch this.

Please, please!

We are not here to be thankful

for strange things we
can do with our bodies.

Norman, you're next.

Well, I'm thankful that
there's a turkey in the kitchen

that needs to be checked.

Yeah. Yeah, get the
damn thing out here.

All right, I guess I need
to give you an indication

of what I had in mind.

Now I, too, am very
thankful for my health

and for my dear friends.

But on this very
special occasion,

my mind goes back over the years

to the people who
have influenced me.

And I would like to name
some of them for you.

Teilhard Chardin...

George Sand...

Caravaggio...

Oh, Emily Dickenson...

the Buddha...

Frank Lloyd Wright...

Jean d'Arc...

Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.

Uh, guys, uh, listen,

I'm having a slight, uh, problem

with the damn bird, all right?

What color is it now, Norman?

Well, I think we're moving
into the earth tones.

This better be good news, Norm.

Look, uh, I'm sorry, guys.

The little pop
thing won't pop out.

There's something wrong with it.

There's something
wrong with you.

No, no, it's the
little pop thing.

Hey, could somebody
please explain to me

where the little pop
thing is on the turkey?

I mean, 'cause maybe
it's different in the city,

but in the country
where I come from,

turkeys aren't born
with little pop things.

The little pop thing has a name!

It's called a thermometer!

Now can we all please
say "thermometer."

Thermometer!

Thermometer, yeah!

We can say it till
we're blue in the face.

It's not gonna make
it pop out any faster.

I think something's wrong
with your oven, Carla.

Hey, my oven was just fine

until you stuffed
Birdzilla in it.

Come on, you guys, come on.

We don't have to bite
each other's heads off here.

It may be the only thing we
get to eat this day, Sammy.

Hey, you guys,
this is Thanksgiving.

And I still say this is
going to be the greatest.

Oh, who the hell do
we think we're kidding?

We're all a bunch
of pathetic dropouts.

Scorned by our loved ones,

as if anybody
ever loved us at all.

Hey, will you lighten up, man?

The only thing wrong
here is we're hungry.

Now who else wants
to join me in these...

ice-cold potatoes?

Hey, they'll go great here
with the, uh, Jell-O soup.

I'm dying to try
some of the hair

growing on the crudités.

Well, pass me my peas.

I made them so I
know they're okay.

Was that remark, uh, directed
at me, Carla, by any chance?

No, it was directed
at your stupid turkey

and your stupid stuffing
and your stupid gravy.

What's wrong with my gravy?

Oh, nothing, except you could

walk across the
skin on top of it.

Oh, well, I'm
sorry, Julia Child.

Here's your perfect peas.

Oh, look, I spilled one. Sorry.

Thank you.

Norm, I'm sorry about
what I said about your gravy.

All right.

It's okay. Fine.

And so are the carrots.

Uh, anybody want some
of these, uh, lovely yams?

Woody, would you care
to test the gravy skin?

People! People! People!

Stop this immediately!

I have never been witness
to such a silly, soph...

Sam Malone...

kiss your butt good-bye!

Food fight!

I knew this was
gonna be the greatest.

Huh?

Good bird.

Hey, Diane, may I say

you look saucy in cranberry.

Laugh while you can, Sam.

Just remember that
revenge is a dish

best served cold.

You won't know when
and you won't know where,

but I'm going to get you.

Now that we're done with dinner,

I'd like to make a
toast to our loved ones

who weren't fortunate
enough to be here with us.

Nice thought.

Uh, Mom, Dad...

Uncle Fergie...

My kids.

All right, Vera.

Yeah. Ma.

Coach. ALL: Yeah.

Oh... God bless
you all. Very nice.

Well, I think we're
about ready for dessert.

Yeah.

Everybody get enough to eat?

You know, I never had a
chance to try the potatoes.

I'll get it.

Oh, well, here, let
me, uh... Oh, thank you.

There you go, man. Sure.

Vera. You came.

Honey, I'm so happy.

Hey, you guys, uh...

Come on, Vera, come
on in, meet all the guys.

This is great. We
finally get to meet Vera.

Sam...

think fast!

Everybody, this is, uh, Vera...

Charming friends, Norm.

Get your coat.

Yes, dear.