Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 8 - Knights of the Scimitar - full transcript

Hey, Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Afternoon, Woody!

Oh, hiya, Mr. Twitchell.

If it isn't Walter Q. Twitchell,

the man who put
the "nie" in weenie.

You South Central Branch types

are all alike... wisenheimers.

Good Lord, Miss Agnes!

You're wearing
your postal keychain

and you're not on active duty?

Well...



That's a direct violation

of postal regulations.

I'm filing a report on you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I'd love to see the
supervisor's face

when he calls me out on the mat

and I whip out this little baby.

Heh? Care to take a peep

at the old French
peeper here, Twitch?

I warn ya, it's,
uh, pretty hot stuff.

You're a sick man, Clavin.

What are you...?

Oh, nice shiner there, Twitch.

Yeah, they could never pass up



a chance to sneak a peek
at Natalie in her nightie.

Nightie?!

Wasn't wearing
anything I could see.

Huh?

Revenge is sweet.

Here's your mail.

Have a nice...

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Are you developing
a slow leak, Diane?

No.

I have a problem.

I just don't know
who to talk to.

Oh.

Well, how about me?

I don't think that would
be appropriate in this case.

You see, it's a
romantic problem.

Oh.

Considering our
past, I don't think

you could possibly
maintain your objectivity.

Oh, come on.

Give it a shot.

Very well.

As you know, last week,

I was substituting as
a teaching assistant

at the college and...

it seems that one
of the students

has fallen in love with me.

Marry him. See!

Sam,

in this case, the smitten youth
is particularly good-looking.

Ah.

No, make that

exceptionally good-looking.

All right.

No, make it Greek-god-like.

The problem is that
he's very persistent

and with his beauty
and youthful ardor,

I find myself inexplicably

drawn to him.

He's asked me out several times.

Now, I don't want
to encourage him,

but on the other
hand, I'm tempted.

What do you think
I should do, Sam?

I'm sorry. I got
sidetracked there.

I was looking at my foot.

Sam, please.

As you know, I'm
one who prides herself

on her attraction
to the inner man,

but every once in awhile,

someone comes along
that makes you go, "zowie."

Oh, stop it, will ya?

You're just trying
to make me jealous.

Your being jealous was the
farthest thing from my mind...

although,

now that you bring it up,

any sane man would be
jealous of Lance Apollonaire.

Oh, come on.

If you're gonna make a guy up,

at least give him a name

that doesn't sound
like a bad aftershave.

I knew it was a
mistake to talk to you.

I'll just have to deal
with this on my own.

Rest assured, though,
that the last thing I need

is to become that young
man's "Mrs. Robinson."

Wouldn't that be
Mrs. Apollonaire?

No, Woody.

Mrs. Robinson was
a... Yes, it would.

Well, top of the day, everybody,

and what a fine
day it is, too, huh?

Why the good
spirits, Mr. Clavin?

Well, uh, you guys ever hear

of the Knights of the Scimitar?

Yeah, it's one of
those lodges, right?

The lodge, Sammy.

You know, it's always,

uh, been a dream of
mine to become a member.

Well, yesterday, I made it.

You guys are
looking at a Knight.

Hey, that's great, man.

Thanks... Thank you.
Thank you very much.

You know, uh, Dad
himself was a Knight.

When I was a kid, I used
to sneak up into his room

when he was out at work and,
uh, try on his turban and sword.

And unless I miss my guess,

you completed the outfit

with your mother's
bra and high heels.

Carla, this is serious.

It's no easy task
getting into the Knights.

Oh, sure, as the son
of an alumnus, I was,

uh, guaranteed full membership,

but, uh, well, hey, my oath does
not permit me to say any more.

Thank God.

Yeah.

But the best part is...

Your oath, Clavin, your oath.

No, no, this stuff's
permissible, Carla.

Oh, shut up, anyway.

Well, oh, well, so don't listen!

Hey, look, uh, listen, you guys.

The best part is that, uh, you
know, now that I'm a member,

I can get all you guys in.

Huh? You know,

of course it's gonna
have to be one at a time.

Now, uh, I figured out a fair
way to do the choosing, okay?

Now I'm thinking of a number

between one and ten.

Whoever has the closest wins.

Uh, Norm, you first.

Two million and 12.

Two million 13.

Two million 14.

Well, the number was four.

Norm's closest
with two million 12.

Darn! I was gonna say four.

I shoulda stuck
with my first instinct.

Cliffy, uh, thanks a lot,

but I-I'm just not interested.

You know, I guess I'm an example

of the old adage,
"I'd never join a club

that would have someone like you

as a member," you know?

That's great.

Hey, Normie, Normie,
you know, the Knights,

they got a lot of, uh, you know,

bankers, lawyers, and assorted

captains of industry down there.

Yeah, so?

Well, so, they're gonna
need accountants,

and, uh, God knows

you could use a few clients.

Yeah, I've heard those places

are great for making contacts.

Yeah.

My business has
been down just a bit

this past year.

There you go.

Woody, give me
the horn, will ya?

Oh, boy. Hey,

you're gonna love it down
at the lodge, you know.

After a hard day's work,
it's a great place to unwind.

Yeah, wearing those turbans,

you probably need
a place to unwind.

You know, unwind.

Turbans?

How they're all wound
up around your head

and you gotta unwind 'em?

Hey, uh... good one, Woody.

I was voted class clown.

You should be proud.

Yeah, I was only running
for class president.

Oh, Diane, will
you do me a favor

and run up and get some change

from Melville's, please?

Oh.

What, what are you doing?

Lance is definitely
taller than you are.

For a while there, I
thought you were taller,

but I see why I was mistaken.

Your shoulders are less broad,

thus giving you the
illusion of greater height.

I promised not to bring up

this Adonis-like
creature, didn't I? Sorry.

No, no, hey, don't be
sorry about a little fantasy.

I mean, I'm not sorry
about the fantasy

I had a couple of hours ago.

By the way, how many nurses

do you think can fit in
a standard-size hot tub?

Sam, I assure you,
Lance is not a fantasy,

and the feelings he inspires

are very real, too.

Change.

Not for you or any man.

No, no, Diane.

Change: Nickels,
dimes, quarters.

Can I ask you a
question here, Carla?

Mm-hmm.

Who's the handsomest
man you know?

Robert Redford.

No, no, he's a movie star.

I mean someone you really know.

Robert Redford.

You don't know Robert Redford.

Yes, I do.

How come you never mentioned it?

If you were the only
woman in Boston

he was messing around
with, would you tell anybody?

Okay, all right,
besides Robert Redford.

I mean, some... somebody
you see in the city here.

Who's the handsomest
guy you see in the city?

Um, Dwight Evans.

No, not-not an athlete.

Somebody that you see every day.

My butcher.

In this bar, Carla.

Well, uh...

Standing next to you,
getting very angry.

Well, that would be you, Sam.

Well, why do you

put me through this stuff?

Put you through what?

Oh, hey, uh, Woody.

Come here for a second, will ya?

Uh, let me ask you a question.

Who, uh, who's the
handsomest guy you know?

Oh, that's easy...
Carla's butcher.

Evening, everybody.

Norm!

What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?

Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire.

Peterson drinks a beer.

Film at 11:00.

Hey, uh, Normie,
you're supposed to be

at your interview
down at the lodge.

Oh, yeah, I've
already been, Cliff.

Already... That took
what, 15 minutes?

Yeah, something like that.

Oh, uh, so,

did you get to meet
the, uh, High Sultan?

Good guy he was. Yeah.

Oh, well, so tell me,
what'd you say to him?

Uh, something
like, uh, "Hi, High."

That's great, Norm.

I told you to be
friendly, not flippant.

You know, frankly,
this just doesn't bode

at all well for you.

Cheers.

It's for you.

Hmm. It's probably those guys.

They said they were gonna call.

Yeah, like they
called Joan of Arc

before they turned
her into French toast.

Now look, look.

Just treat this guy
with respect, all right?

Hello.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hi, High.

Yeah.

Great.

Oh, no, no, no. No
apology necessary.

That's okay. Sure.

All right, bye.

Here. You blew it.

You got nobody to
blame but yourself, Norm.

No, Cliffie, he
just, uh, apologized

for making me wait so long.

I'm, uh, I'm a Knight.

Oh! Great!

Congratulations.

How's that for the
old Clavin clout, eh?

Evening, Sam.

Hey, Frasier.

What's with your voice?

Oh, I spent the afternoon
screaming at a patient.

Oh.

What, what kind
of therapy is that?

No, it's not therapy.

He burned a hole in my carpet.

Anyway...

how you doing, Sam, old man?

You know, Frasier, I, uh,

I don't like that phrase
"old man" anymore.

Uh, I-I prefer "buddy."

Oh, well, how you
doing, Sam, old buddy?

Look, is, uh, something
bothering you?

Well, yeah.

Diane's made up some
guy who's supposed

to be great-looking,
just to get me riled.

Only I could care less
about the whole thing.

Well, good for you, Sam.

You know, the old Sam
would've rambled on and on

about how jealous he isn't,
proving only that he really is.

Right.

I mean, I could give

a rat's rear what Diane does

or who she does it with.

And I certainly am not jealous
about some college punk kid.

And even if I were,

which I'm not...

Call me at the office.

Hey, Sammy, you
want to see a sap?

Sure, why not?

That's me, Carla. Uh-huh.

But a great-looking sap, right?

Not bad. Why?

Not bad?

He's a killer.

And I can't believe,
with a mug like that,

you're letting Diane
do a number on you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, she's just trying

to make you jealous,
and you're sucking it up

like a Hoover deluxe.

No, I'm not. I
mean, first of all,

I don't believe this
Lance guy exists.

But if he does exist, I don't
believe he's crazy about her.

And even if he exists
and he's crazy about her,

he's got to have
a face like a fish.

Uh, excuse me.

Is Diane Chambers here?

Uh, she'll be right
back, Mister...?

Apollonaire.

Check out what Diane thinks
is great-looking, will you?

Carla?

Is she gonna be all right?

Yeah, of course she's
gonna be all right.

Are you all right? You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm fine.

I just had this dream that I
saw the handsomest man.

Would you stop that, please?

Oh, nice going, Sam.

I was hoping he'd give
me mouth-to-mouth.

You still can, you know.

Diane's upstairs.

She'll be right down.

Can I get you something?

Yeah. How about a beer?

Oh, dear, now, I'm sorry,

I'm gonna have to
ask you for an I.D.

Yeah, sure.

Is something funny?

Yeah, yeah, it says here
you're six two and a half.

So?

Ha! I'm six three.

Oh, Diane, your little
friend's here to see you.

Lance, what are you doing here?

Well, I brought these for you.

Six two and a half.

Oh, thank you.
They're beautiful.

They must have
cost you a fortune.

Oh, no, I... I picked
them all myself.

And arranged them, too.

I was hoping they might change your
mind about going with me to Vermont.

Lance,

I've already told you, I
don't think it would be

a good idea for you and
me to go away together.

Will you at least
think about it?

Okay...

I'll...

I'll think about it.

Fair enough.

Talk to you on Friday. Uh-huh.

Oh, dear.

Things are beginning
to get complicated.

Lance is becoming more insistent

that I go away with
him this weekend.

So, Sam, should I
go or not with this...

figment of my imagination?

Well, if you do, just make
sure he doesn't eat first.

Children tend to get car sick.

I know I shouldn't even
be considering it, but...

when I look at
him, I consider it.

Excuse me, but what
happened to the woman

who said it's the
inner man who counts?

That woman just pictured Lance

gathering flowers
in his bikini briefs.

So did this one.

Thank you, Brother Tanner,

for reading the minutes
of last week's meeting.

Now, Brother Foley, what is
the next order of business?

According to the
agenda, High Sultan,

we're to welcome

our newest member into
the Knights of the Scimitar.

Ah, yes.

Stand up, Norm Peterson,
and be welcomed.

Norm, uh, Norm,

why don't you tell us a
little bit about yourself, huh?

Well, there's really
nothing to say, guys.

Now...

don't be modest.

No, I mean it. There's
really nothing to say.

Uh...

Let's see, I was
born in Chicago, uh...

I moved to Boston and
became an accountant.

Are you married?

Yeah.

To?

Long.

By the way, uh, in
case you guys need

a good accountant, you
know, I did happen to bring

some of my business
cards along, so, uh...

Oh, sorry,

Norm, I-I guess you
didn't get the word.

It-it's against the
rules to do business

with fellow lodge members.

You know, Cliff said...

My fault for listening.

Well, Norm,

the time has now arrived...

for you to undergo
the initiation ritual.

Stand, please.

Approach me.

Are you prepared?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Just, uh, just like that, huh?

Yeah, that's it.

Uh, grab a hat and
sword out of the bin, hmm?

Great. Yeah, my God,
the pageantry, huh?

Okay, our, uh, next
order of business

is our third annual...

Hey, uh, Normie, look, I'm sorry

about that business rule.

I, uh, I didn't know, I guess.

Great time to find out, Cliff.

Oh, hey, if it's
any consolation,

these guys give great parties.

Hoo-hoo-hoo, hey.

Oh, I'll tell you, I
thought this was

going to be really stupid,

but these are a
good bunch of guys,

I tell you. Yep.

Well, have I ever
steered you wrong, Norm?

Oh, yeah; that's why I thought
it was going to be stupid.

But, uh, you know, it's too
bad about the business stuff,

but I-I feel pretty
comfortable with these guys.

Yeah. Really, thank you
for sponsoring me, buddy.

Mm-hmm. I can't wait
for some of these parties.

Bang, zoom, eh?

Oh, uh, before I forget,

the, uh, referendum
that we ban beer

at all lodge functions
has been passed.

Good-bye!

So, what time's
Peewee coming in?

If you're referring to Lance,

I'm expecting
him shortl... soon.

And I don't appreciate

these constant attempts
to denigrate him.

Let me ask you a question.

What do you see in him?

You mean... besides a young,
brainy, stunningly gorgeous man

with many interests
similar to mine

who's fawning over me and
giving me all the attention

I could ever ask for?

Yeah.

I see what I used to see in you

before you decided to
spend the last few months

flogging me with your apathy.

Well, I'm sorry, Diane,

but that's all I had handy.

Hi, Diane.

Have you made a decision?

Have I, Sam?

Send me a postcard.

I don't think I can go,

because it would upset
someone too much.

Diane, go with
someone's blessings.

Excuse me.

May I speak with
you for a moment?

Hop up on a stool there, Lance.

Carla, why don't
you pour him a beer?

I know you're still smarting

from my turning down
your proposal of marriage,

but how long can
you drag this out?

You're hurting me, but
you're also hurting yourself

with this feigned indifference.

Well, while we're talking
about hurting people,

how do you think
Lance is going to feel

when he finds out that
you're using him to get to me?

I am not using him.

I like him.

He treats me wonderfully.

And I don't, so go with him.

Mr. Malone, I'm
about to call your bluff.

I'm going to go with him,

and I'm going to
have a great time,

and it will leave you
a hollow, broken man.

All right.

All right.

Just watch while I give you

a little preview of
our weekend together.

I'm going to kiss him

in front of you
and the whole bar,

and it's going to kill you.

Lance...

this is for the flowers.

Now, Mr. Indifference,
are you going

to tell me that
doesn't bother you?

Well, I have to admit
for a while there,

my life passed before my eyes...

but the funny thing
is you weren't in it.

Right.

Lance, let's go.

Diane?

Yes, Sam?

It would've bothered me

if he had done this.

Yes, I can see where
that might have given you

cause for concern.

Uh, so, Diane, are
you about ready to go?

Uh...

Lance. Thank you.

Um... Lance,

I-I-I just remembered

I have to work this weekend.

That's okay. I understand.

Bye. DIANE: Good-bye, Lance.

Well, kid, you blew it.

You know what would've
really have bothered Sam

would be if you had
kissed her like this.

Carla, you're not
involved in this.

I am now.