Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 7 - Young Dr. Weinstein - full transcript

Diane and her date, Jordan Brundidge, have managed to secure reservations at the latest "it" restaurant in Boston called The Cafe. Sam thinks that perhaps he should take his latest conquest, Darlene, there as well. Diane laughs in his face as The Cafe is not the type of place one can call up on the spur of the moment and expect a table. Sam thinks that he can seeing to his local celebrity status. He calls and Diane seems to be right. Even Frasier can't manage to call in a favor from an old colleague, Dr. Julian Weinstein, a world famous transplant surgeon and gourmet, who would be able to get a last minute reservation there. Sam does whatever it takes to show his superiority over Diane in this matter, even if it takes a little false advertising. His false advertising leads to an uncomfortable night both for himself and Diane. Meanwhile, Woody is determined to concoct a new bar drink that doesn't taste like sewer water.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Why don't you wait?
I'll get our coats.

Mm. Okay?

Hope to see you again soon.

Thank you, Miss.

Oh, great.

I can't even read that check.

Well, I'm so sorry
if my handwriting

isn't up to your high
and mighty standards,

but some of us
don't get to sit around

on our buns all day and
practice our penmanship.



Some of us

have to go out
and earn a living!

Here are your glasses, dear.

You left them in
your coat again.

Oh, thanks.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Let's go.

Oh, hey, um... I'm really sorry.

I-I...

I don't know what to say,
except I had a really bad day.

Oh... yeah, sure,
Carla, bad day.

Bad life is more like it.

House full of kids,
this crummy job.



If I keep treatin' my
customers this way,

I'm going to lose even that.

Uh, uh, here you go.

I hope things'll
start looking up.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
I couldn't, I couldn't.

Not the way I treated you.

No, please, please,
please, we insist.

Ten bucks?

Excuse me, Miss.

You forgot to, uh,
give me a napkin.

I'm so sorry!

I don't know what to say,

except I've had
a really bad day.

Bad day? Bad
life is more like it.

A house full of kids...

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Yep! Hey, everybody, guess what?

Today marks the
beginning of my seventh year

as a U.S. postal carrier.

Well, all right.

Woody, I think that calls
for a little drink on the house.

What do you think, huh?

I think you're
right, Mr. Peterson.

Yeah? Hey, what the
hell, give Cliffie one, too.

Hey...

This guy, huh?

Oh, yeah, imagine that.

Seven years carrying
the old bag around.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

That's, uh...

that's quite an
achievement, though, Cliffie.

Oh, yeah? Look who's talkin'.

Oh, okay, all right.

I know some people around
here don't exactly think

that I'm an overachiever,
but, uh... I'll tell you,

I don't plan to go to my grave

until I've made some sort
of impression on this world.

I'd say you've already
made a deep one.

You know,

I plan on leavin'
somethin' behind

for the world to remember me by.

Yeah?

And here it is.

It's a glass of Windex, Woody.

No, it's a drink.

And Woody Boyd is going to
become the next Jim Sheehan.

Who?

Certainly you've
heard of the inventor

of the Fish House Punch?

I can't say we have,

Wood, but then again,

we don't get out
that much, you know?

Well, I'm callin' mine the
Blue Boyd of Happiness.

Can I tempt you?

Not bad.

Really.

Oh, hey, that's delicious.

Now all I got to do
is fill out these forms

and register with
Bartender's Monthly Magazine,

and my name will
be a household word.

Yeah: doorknob.

Hey, Sam, you want
to try my new drink?

Woody, I can't touch that stuff.

I'm an alcoholic.

You are?

Oh, I... I'm sorry.
I-I thought you knew.

Yeah, I drank myself out of
baseball and out of a marriage.

Gee, that's hard to believe.

Well, it's true. Right, gang?

Yeah... Guy had a
face full of booze...

No, no, no, I believe

you were a drunk, Sam.

I just didn't know
you'd been married.

Mmm, pretty good Blue Moon.

You mean it's already a drink?

Aw, don't feel
disappointed there, Woody.

Every combination in the world's
been done to death by now.

You couldn't possibly
invent anything new.

Hello, Cheers.

Hey, Woody, gin and tonic.

Oh, uh, somebody's
already invented that.

No, you horseshoe,
I'm ordering one.

Oh, no! Really?

Tonight? Oh!

Oh, I can't wait!

Yes, thank you.

Oh! I have the most
exciting news, everyone.

Tonight I am eating
dinner at The Cafe.

Ah, gee, that's pretty exciting.

Tonight I'm driving
home in The Car.

No, you see,
um... actually, Sam,

The Cafe is one of the
trendiest restaurants.

Eating there is considered,
uh, to be rather a coup

among certain, oh...

self-important and
pretentious circles.

Congratulations, Diane.

If this place is so hot,
how come they can't think

of a better name than The Cafe?

Oh, Carla, if you had
any sense of style,

you would know that a
simple name connotes

the very best of taste.

Hey, you're right
about that, Diane.

There's this joint out on
Route One called "Eat".

Don't miss it. It's great.

Say, you know, Darlene
and I can't make up our mind

whether to have some
chili or a hamburger.

Maybe this Cafe joint
sounds just like the ticket.

Well, you got the number there?

What? What's the number? What?

Pardonne mon laughteur, Sam.

This is not the sort of place

you just call and
make a reservation.

My dinner companion
is a Brundage,

and even with that pull,

he had to wait three
months for a table.

Ooh, geez, I wonder how long
he had to wait for the chairs.

Look what I'm dealing with.

You consider food as a fuel

to be salted down heavily,

covered with ketchup,

stuffed in your mouth,

and on a good day, chewed.

What I'm trying to say is, Sam,

you couldn't possibly get a
reservation at this late hour.

Diane, I can get a reservation
in any restaurant I want.

The name "Sam Malone"

still carries a little
clout in this town.

Right. Hey, hey, hey.

Very well, Sam.

Let's give it a try.

Allow me to call The Cafe.

Well, now, li-lis...

I'm not even sure
I want to go there.

Afraid, Sam?

They have not built the
restaurant that can scare me.

Come on. Um,
yes, hold on, please.

Um, hello, uh, I'd like to
make a reservation, please.

Nothing tonight?

Well, this happens to be
Sam "Mayday" Malone,

formerly of the Red Sox.

Well, yeah, that'll be fine.

8:00? Well, let's say 8:00.

Thank you very much.

Hey, all right, Sammy.
You got it, huh?

Sure did.

When, next March?

No, next February.

Well done, Sam.

God, I hate it when she's right.

Ah, you didn't want to
eat there anyway, Sam.

The waiters pride
themselves on rudeness,

the portions are too small,
and it's exorbitantly overpriced.

Oh, you couldn't
get in either, huh?

Not till April.

Well, I certainly hope
Diane had a big lunch.

Hi, I'd like to, uh,
cancel a reservation

for tonight, please.

The name is Brundage.

Party of two.

Yes, that Brundage.

Thank you.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, Sammy.

Canceling Diane's reservation?

Ooh, heart of stone.

I love it.

Yeah, hi, this is, uh,
Sam Malone again.

I'm just wondering
if you might've had

a surprise
cancellation for tonight.

What do you mean, you don't?

You must have. I just...

No, no, n-never
mind, never mind.

Boy, I'd sure love to waltz

into that joint tonight

just so I could see
the look on her face.

Well, if it's that important to
you, Sam, give me the phone.

If Julian Weinstein,
my good friend,

can't get you in, nobody can.

Ooh, the heart
transplant wizard?

Oh, one and the same, yeah.
We went to prep school together.

He's a well-known gourmet.

Yeah, well, wh-why would he
want to do this for me, though?

He'd love to do me a favor.

See, we dissected
our first frog together.

Hello, Julian. Julian, hi.

Frasier Crane. How are you?

Crane.

C-R-A-N-E.

Yes, yes, Dr. Frasier
Crane. All right, fine.

Uh, listen, I was wondering
what you know about, uh...

No, it's A-N-E! Oh, skip it!

I'll tell you, you know,
you open a few thoraxes,

you forget who your friends are.

Oh, it's beautiful.

A feast for the eyes
as well as the palate.

Ah, that must be our table.

Uh, the Brundage party.

Brundage?

Ah, Brundage.

You canceled.

That's impossible.

I-I made the reservations

over three months ago.

Well, obviously, there's
been some mistake.

The best we can do is give
you the next available table.

And when might that be?

If all goes well,
perhaps... tonight.

Perhaps?

Jordan, don't
make a fuss, please.

We'll straighten this out.

He's sorry.

Dr. Weinstein,
your table is ready.

Excuse me, Miss.

I don't believe it.

Oh, neither do I.

I was this close to
Dr. Julian Weinstein.

That's not Julian Weinstein.

That's the man who
stole our reservation.

That's not Julian Weinstein.

That's an imposter.

Ask him for his I.D.

Ask him to spell I.D.

Do you know how to
order in a place like this?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
my, uh, friend Frasier

read a review about the menu.

He coached me.

No problem.

Dr. Weinstein.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

You swine.

It's one thing to pretend

to be somebody
else on the phone,

but convincing others that
you're a sophisticated gourmet

is a little bit more
than you can handle.

You're going to blow it, Sam.

You're going to be
embarrassed in front of some

of the most important
people in Boston.

And then you're going
to slink out of here

with your curly little swine
tail between your legs.

You don't think I
can handle this?

Well, just watch.

Excuse me, we'd
like to start off

with Bouchées
Parmentier au Fromage,

followed by a salade maison,

and for our entrée,

we'll have Tourte Froide
D'Anguille Rabelais.

Thank you so much.

Good, Sam; that was your busboy.

I knew that.

He's got lips.

He can tell the
waiter, can't he?

Bon appetit, Dr. Weinstein.

Who's Miss Grumpus?

Excuse me, uh, you aren't, uh,
Dr. Julian Weinstein, are you?

Uh... yes.

This is really an honor.

I'm, I'm Dr. Peter Fisher.

Oh.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Yeah. You know, I had
no idea you were so young.

Well, I, uh, skipped a
few grades in med school.

You got to have a sense
of humor in this line of work.

Say, if you'll indulge
in a little shop talk,

uh, where did you come
up with that concept

of combining
antithymocyte globulin

with, uh, cyclosporin A
to combat tissue rejection?

On the beach.

Nice meeting you.

Excuse me, Dr. Weinstein.

Oh, uh, yeah, here we go.

Our chef Claude
would like to say hello.

He met you while he
was a chef at La Ronde.

Do you mind?

Oh, uh... well, actu-actually...

It won't take but a moment.

Maybe, uh... Grab your purse.

We've got to get...

Dr. Weinstein, so good...

You're not Dr. Weinstein.

Yes, I am.

Perhaps you hadn't
heard about my accident.

Why, no, I didn't.

Oh, yes, yes, uh...
terribly disfigured.

Uh, thank God
for plastic surgery.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But they've done
a wonderful job.

Hmm...

You look much better.

And taller.

Traction. It, uh...

Well, nice to see you again.

You, too.

Boy, you pulled it off.

Mm. That's pretty smart.

Yeah, well, of course I'm smart.

I'm a doctor.

Oh! Right.

All right, whiskey,
vermouth, bitters...

That's a Paddy Cocktail.

Gin, vermouth,
grapefruit juice...

That's a Palm Beach.

Oh, wait a minute.

How about gin, vermouth
and black coffee?

That's paint remover.

All right, I'll try
something else.

Oh, great, I'm out of limes.

Don't panic.

Sam always keeps
some extras around.

Where?

Call the doctor

and find out.

Telephone for Dr. Weinstein.

Oh, um...

It's a Dr. Woody.

He's in the middle of surgery,

and he says he
needs your opinion.

Thank you.

Hello?

Wha-what? You're out of them?

No, look, just, just
check in the box

right next to the scotch...

uh, tape.

The scotch tape.

We, uh...

Sometimes we run out of stitches

and have to improvise.

Thank you, Dr. Woody.

Dr. Weinstein?

My date needs medical attention.

Can you help?

My food just arrived.

Well, I'm a doctor.

Sit down.

I-I want the world-famous
heart surgeon,

Dr. Julian Weinstein.

Well, of course; I
bow to his greater skill.

No, no, no, uh,

why don't you go ahead there,
Fisher, and give him a shot?

He's having chest pains, Doctor!

Oh, well, uh, why
don't you time them

and see how far apart they are?

All right, I'll, uh, give
him a look-see, I guess.

Right this way, Doctor.

Everything'll be all
right. Don't worry.

What are you doing?

You're ruining my dinner.

Ruining your dinner?

Ruining your dinner?!

Everybody, now...

Sam, this is the cruelest
thing you've ever done!

Yeah, what about
the crummy thing

you did to me earlier today,

making me feel
like a big nobody?

I apologize.

I spoke irrationally.

You're not a nobody.

Now, will you

and your date kindly leave

so that Jordan and I can
have our rightful meal,

and the two of you can
sashay over to the Colonel's

across the street?

Will you excuse me?

My meal is getting cold.

Now...

Well, we may have a
long wait ahead of us,

but we are going to
stay until we get seated.

No, you're going to
stay until you get seated.

Right about now a bucket of
extra crispy doesn't sound half bad.

Okay, Dr. Crane, just drink up.

Woody, please, you
promised you'd stop

after the rum and trail mix.

That wasn't a drink.

That was just something
to cleanse your palate.

Now come on, here.

My God, Woody!

That bad, huh?

No, no, it's terrific.

Here, try this.

I've never had anything like it.

All right!

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

This one gets you

in the cocktail hall of fame!

So, what's in it, Wood?

Yeah, what's the secret recipe?

Well, it's, uh, two parts...

Your change, Dr. Weinstein.

Ah, thank you very much.

Whew, boy, remember
the good old days

when you could
spend $200 for a meal

and then still have
enough change

to buy a mint patty?

Ah, Paul, memorable.

Aw, gee...

Madam, we've
had our last seating.

I'm afraid we won't be able to
accommodate you this evening.

Oh, Paul, uh... could I
speak to you for a minute?

I'll meet you outside.

Listen, it, it would be a
great personal favor to me,

Dr. Julian Weinstein...

In fact, to the entire
Weinstein family,

and pretty much to doctors
all over the world... if...

if you could, uh, make
sure she gets some food.

Well, uh, if you'll
agree to honor us

with your presence
again, Dr. Weinstein,

I'll see to it personally.

Well, I appreciate that.

Enjoy, Diane.

Thank you. I intend to.

Thank you. This will do nicely.

Would you like to hear our menu?

Thank you, no.

I've memorized it.

I'll have the Tournedos Rossini.

I'm sorry, we're
all out of that.

Uh, then I'll have the
Jambon Farci et Braise.

Once again, I'm sorry.

Let's attack this from
another direction.

You tell me what you have left.

Fricadelles de
veau a la Nicoise.

Great, I'm in a Fricadelle mood.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm still
hungry, actually.

What happened to, uh, Darlene?

Oh, I put her in a cab
and sent her home.

Well, you don't have
to do me any favors.

No, I'm not doing
you any favors.

I-I'm really hungry.

May I, uh,

join you?

I don't care what you do.

Well, thank you.

Thank you, Sam.

You're welcome.

Doctor. Ah, Paul.

Can I get you anything else?

Uh, what do you have?

Anything for you, Dr. Weinstein.

Ah, well...

You know, I just can't
make up my mind.

Why don't you have
my dear friend Claude

mix me up something special?

Very good.

I really do appreciate
your coming back, Sam.

It was sweet.

No, no, it's not sweet.

I... I did it for myself.

I was feeling guilty out there,

and I don't like to feel guilty.

Well, that's sweet in itself.

Well, we'll see how
sweet you think it is

when I have you pay
for your own meal.

Madam. Doctor.

Everything was delightful
and well worth the wait.

Ooh, yes, I enjoyed
it very much.

I'll be right with you.

Say, uh, I seem to be
running a little short on cash.

You know, Sam, I think it
was a really good idea you had

about us going Dutch.

See, this way, we don't feel

that we owe each other anything.

This is not funny.

This could be very embarrassing
for both of us. Please.

Why? I've already paid for
my meal, and I'm leaving.

Good night, Dr. Weinstein.

See you in surgery.

Hey, I'm serious.

Hey, come on, don't do this!

Is there a problem, Doctor?

No, no, no problem at all. Um...

I'll just use my
credit card here.

Mm, very well.

Uh, Dr. Weinstein,
this appears to be

the credit card of
a Mr. Sam Malone.

Let me see that.

Well, I'll be darned.

You know, I must have,
uh, switched wallets

with this Malone character.

You know, I bet it
happened at the club.

Yes, it did; I remember him now.

A baseball player. Malone.

You, uh, you ever heard of him?

No.

Oh, well, why don't
you, uh, put it on

this credit card anyway,
and I'll take this Malone guy

out to dinner some
other time, hmm?

I'm afraid not.

Well, all right, I don't suppose

you take a personal
check, do you?

And whose name would be on that?

Okay, well, uh, why
don't we try this, then?

Oh, my God, look
at the size of that cat!

Hey, you, come back here!