Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 6 - Tan 'N' Wash - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Boy, did I have a
crazy dream last night.

What was it?

I was at this party with
a bunch of strangers.

The food was great.
The music was loud.

All of a sudden,

everybody in the place
stopped and was lookin' at me,

and I realized that I
wasn't wearing any pants.

Oh, yes, yes.

I've had that dream
a million times.

Yeah, me, too, and boy, is
it ever embarrassing, huh?



Why is that?

Uh... uh, Norm?

Never embarrassed me.

Tell you the one I hate.

You know, you're
back in college, right?

And you haven't been to
class the entire semester,

and the teacher's about
to give the final exam.

Oh, yeah, that one's the worst.

What're you
talkin' about, Carla?

You never went to college.

It's a dream, stupid.

Well, how about the one where
you go to this fancy restaurant,

and before they let you in,

they make you leave
your legs at the door?



Then the girl gives you
claim check number six.

So you go in,

but instead of food,

everyone's eatin'
their silverware.

Only you can't
really enjoy your fork

because you're so worried

that whoever got claim check
number nine might finish first

and pick up your
legs by mistake.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Two vodka martinis
and a Wallbanger.

Wallbanger!

Sam, I need to ask a big favor.

All right, as long
as it doesn't interfere

with your job.

Okay, then, I need
to ask a huge favor.

Would it be possible

two weeks from this
coming Wednesday

for me to leave work
early about ten minutes?

Sure, why not?

Oh, thank you, Sam.

Thank you very much.

And thank you for
not prying further

into the matter.

Especially since, well,
I've no valid excuse

for my early departure.

Sam, I must be frank.

Sounds good.

I'll be Bob.

I mean, it's not as if I had

a dental appointment

or had to pick up some
relative at the airport.

Okay, Diane,

why do you have to leave early

two weeks from this Wednesday?

Well, if you must know...

I have a date.

Oh, yeah, I've heard of those.

Have fun.

Oh, sweet transparent bravado.

Could there be a soul dearer

than the little boy lost,

trembling on the
edge of despair,

yet struggling manfully to
maintain his stiff upper lip?

Thank you for noticing.

Oh, wait, Sam,
wait. One more thing.

What?

After our five-star-dinner-
and-season-premiere-

of-the-ballet date,

Chad... Dr. Stark,
may desire a kiss.

Would you mind...
should he ask...

If I let his lips touch mine?

Touch your what?

Oh, Mr. Peterson, I forgot.

Some guy dropped by earlier

and asked me
to give this to you.

Oh, thank you, Woody.

And thank you, God!

Oh, well, what's that, Normie?

A research grant from the
National Beer Foundation?

No, Cliffie, just a measly
little pair of sky-view seats

for the Sox-Yankee
doubleheader tomorrow.

Whoa, you're kidding me!

I pulled every string I had

and I could only
score standing room.

Come on. How'd you get that?

Sammy, it's not who you know,

it's who I know, all right?

Yeah.

A client friend of
mine, Jerry Donahue,

sent those babies
over to thank me

for being such a fantastic
financial counselor.

No, seriously,
how'd you get 'em?

I'm tellin' you,

I saved the guy a bundle
on his taxes last year.

He asked me to invest
his windfall, you know?

And in the space
of six short months,

I kinda doubled his money.

We got lucky on a little
convenience mart in Worcester.

What'd you do? Hold it up?

You guys are hilarious.

But Jerry's laughing

all the way to
the bank, all right?

I diversified the guy.

We went into, uh, mutuals,

and a very pretty
little biotech company

that just went public.

Boy, sounds like you
got the Midas touch there.

You should hear some
of the other great ideas

we have cooked up.

Yeah? Like what?

Mm... no, no, sorry, guys.

My lips are sealed.

Buy you a beer.

It's called "Tan 'N Wash".

Tan and wash, guys.

The ultimate marriage of
luxury and convenience.

A combination tanning salon
and coin-operated laundry.

Get real.

Come on.

The timing's right on this.

Summer tans are fading.

Winter's coming.

It's always dirty
clothes season.

It's gonna be the
hottest place in town.

I'm glad you're already
thinking about arson.

Yeah, arson.

Don't listen to them, Norman.

And never be deterred
by the mindless jibes

of the ignorant masses.

Those ignorant masses
are gonna be our customers.

Hey, I'll be there
will bells on.

Everyone'll be there, buddy,

fluffing, folding,
relaxing happily

beneath the healthful rays

of a federally approved
UVA bronzing unit.

Well, Normie,

I gotta say it's the silliest,
most harebrained scheme

I've ever heard of.

Yeah.

Well, I gotta go.

Normie, walk me out.

I'm not leaving yet, Cliff.

Neither am I.

Ma and I want in.

In where?

Don't be naive, Normie.

Put me up for five shares.

No, no, no.

Investments are risky, Cliff.

Look, I never do business
with friends, all right?

Besides, it's 200 bucks a share.

Put me down for
five, too, will ya?

Oh, great, Norm, now
the cat's outta the bag!

I think you're all crazy.

But if Clavin makes
big bucks and I don't,

I won't be able to
live with the shame.

Give me a share.

Oh, me, too! Me, too!

You, Diane?

Laying bets on a laundry?

Well, in my case,
it's not a gamble,

but rather a show of faith

in our great free
enterprise system.

Yes, even Diane
Chambers is not immune

to the renaissance
of American patriotism

in the 1980s.

Although I hasten to remind you

this does not imply any
shifting of my support

toward the current
administration.

I hope nobody was
looking for a silent partner.

You know, Diane,

you shouldn't be
investin' in a tanning salon.

You oughta be usin' one.

You got skin the
color of Elmer's glue.

I happen to have

what Restoration poets
refer to as "alabaster skin."

Well, at least your
hair looks nice.

Besides, with my rendezvous
with Chad coming up,

I dare not risk freckling.

Why not? If it got boring,

you could always
play connect-the-dots.

God, how this must torment you.

No, no, no, come on, Norm.

You gonna let us in or not?

Let's just change
the subject, all right?

Hey, he's tryin'
to sidetrack us.

This thing must be a gold mine.

Yeah, yeah, hey, Normie,
uh, correct me if I'm wrong,

but yesterday you had a letter

you needed mailed.

I did it, and you can
at least return the favor.

Cliffie, that's your job.

Well, all right.

Then, as one
professional to another...

Come on, Norm!

I know what's gonna happen!

I know what's gonna happen.

Somethin's gonna go wrong
and you're all gonna blame me.

All right, well, well.

All right, yes! Whoo! Whoo!

Hey, Wood, do you want in?

I don't think so.

You know, when I left home,

my father gave me
some very sound advice.

"Never trust a man who
can't look ya in the eye.

"Never talk when you can listen.

"And never spend venture
capital on a limited partnership

without a detailed, analytical
fiduciary prospectus."

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Hey, Norm, how's the
world been treatin' ya?

Like a baby treats a diaper.

So...

what's the deal with
the, uh, "Tan 'N Wash"?

For a new business,
I'd say Tan 'N Wash

is doing as well as
could be expected.

Oh, yeah?

I dropped by this morning

and the only
customer in the place

was a lonely woman
kicking the hell

out of a jammed change machine.

Oh, come on. By the way,

you owe me a quarter
and a new pair of shoes.

Patience, Carla,
all right? Patience.

There are gray
skies on the horizon.

Yeah, it's gonna get cold
and damp and miserable.

We'll be wading in customers.

Yeah, I think we're wading
in something right now.

I've worked out a great
new promotional campaign.

Promotional campaign? Yeah.

Whew! Hey, hey!

Check out Mr. Tan there, huh?

Say, Sammy,

did you just fly to the
tropics and spend a week

and thousands of dollars
under the blazing, unhealthy sun?

No, no, Norm. No, I
just spent my lunch hour

under some healthful,
federally approved UVA rays

at the Tan 'N Wash.

Say, those clothes are
really lookin' clean there, pal.

Well, thank you, Norm.

Yeah. Now is it true
that with these coupons

anyone can get 25%
off on their first five visits?

Well, that's what I hear.

Great.

Well!

Hey... I tell ya,

is that Cliff Clavin or
is that Don Ho, huh?

Uh...

Where ya been, buddy,

some, uh, faraway island resort?

Oh, easy mistake, Norm,

but, no, I got this tan
right here in Beantown.

Is that at the new Tan 'N Wash

I've been hearing so
danged much about?

That's right, Normie.

And, by the way, did you realize

that the tan first
gained popularity

in what is now known
as the Bronze Age?

Great, great. Well, I'm sold.

Oh, and, by the way,
look how white I used to be.

You wore your socks
in the tanning booth?

Well, I, I gotta be
careful, Sammy.

The Clavin men have, uh,
feet like a baby's bottom.

With faces to match.

Will you back off, Carla?

I don't see you pitchin'
in for the cause here.

Yeah, yeah?

Well, all I know

is I wouldn't stick
a fork in a toaster,

never mind my valuables.

Come on, guys.

Uh, whatta you say we
snap up these flyers?

They can't last forever.

Wouldn't be so sure, Norm.

You know, Peterson,

you've got the
guts of a burglar.

In here peddling a tanning salon

on the sunniest day of the year.

Outside of someone

with a financial
interest in the place,

who'd be stupid enough

to spend a minute
in your rip-off joint?

You try to help out a few
newly enterprising friends

and what do you
get for your trouble?

45 minutes in hell.

Sit. Keep it down, will ya?

Keep it down here.

Keep it down?

I've got the worst
sunburn of my life,

thanks to a faulty
thermo-regulator

on tanning machine number three,

the Bahama Mama.

Frasier,

you're supposed to
start off slowly, all right?

But I must say, you do have

one heck of a fantastic

base coat there, Fras.

Yeah. Yeah, and your, uh,

your shirt sure smells fresher.

Really?

It's not too lemony?

Not for you.

Sorry.

Well, it's just that

it's such a lovely,
sunny day out...

as your tanned
faces will attest.

Well, I guess I'm
feeling especially girlish.

How come, Miss Chambers?

Nah, nah, nah, don't, don't.

You know, Woody...
The usual thing

that puts a bounce
in a girl's step.

Ah! Support hose.

You're adorable.

No, I'm referring to

a very special evening.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Didn't you have a date
or something last night?

You know perfectly
well I saw Chad, but...

It was no big deal.

Yeah.

I refuse to ask her
about last night.

You ask her, Woody.

Gotcha.

Well, looky here.

The paper predicts the same
high for Boston as Honolulu.

That is Honolulu, Hawaii,

the state where you can
get a free tan all year round.

Carla, if you're trying
to say something,

why don't you just
spit it out, all right?

Tan 'N' Wash bites it.

Okay, I'll admit Indian
summer's killing us temporarily,

but this is Boston.

It's gonna get cold.

Hey, Sam.

I found out all about
Miss Chambers' date.

I mean, uh...

beautiful night of magic.

Just spill it, will ya, Woody?

Well, the ballet was exquisite,

but it paled by comparison

to the enchanting coach
ride under the stars.

Chad held her
porcelain-like hand lightly,

tracing tiny circles
on her alamander...

Alabaster.

Alabaster skin,

and then, fearing that
the spell might be broken,

she invited him up
to her pied-de-teer

for some quiet conversation

and warm brandy, and then...

What?

Miss Chambers said
if you want to hear

the rest, you gotta
ask her yourself.

Oh...

Forget it! Forget it, man!

Oh, ask her, Sam.

Sounds like you
won't be disappointed.

Forget it.

Frasier, a sunburn?

No, I'm doing my
impression of a blood blister.

Hey, Frasier.

You know, there's something I've
always been meaning to ask you.

What was your reaction

the first time you
saw Diane naked?

Normie, I can't
hold out any longer.

Ma's getting antsy.

The last time she
spent a thousand dollars

was on a house.

Cliff, I'm sorry.

I-I really am, but you guys

begged me to let ya in.

It's not like I didn't warn you.

Oh, sure.

"Don't do this. I pray to
God you don't do this."

You call that a warning?

You know, I predicted
this. You guys are

nervous Nellies and you're
trying to blame it all on me.

I want out, Norm.

Yeah, me, too.

Who wants a tan in
the winter anyway?

Wait, wait. This is
not the smart move.

You gotta hang in there.

You gotta roll with
the punches, all right?

You're gonna roll
with the punches

if you don't get us outta this.

Nah, I just don't think

that we're cut out for it.

No. Apparently not, all right?

Yeah, geez, have it
your way, guys, okay?

Look, all right, I
tell ya what. Okay?

I'll personally buy out
your shares, all right?

I'll have your checks in
the mail within a week.

Stupid mistake. Stupid.

Stupid.

Ooh, ooh, boy.

It's still snowing out there.

Yeah, and every flake means

another buck in Norm's pocket.

You, you guys still moaning

because Norm hit the
jackpot and you didn't?

Hey, come on, Paul,
give us some credit

for being adults, huh?

Hey, what do you say
we toilet paper his house?

Nah, it'd only
make it look better.

Sam, excuse me.

May I have your
ear for a moment?

Sure. Just don't
leave any bite marks.

Sam, I've decided

to break off my
relationship with Chad.

Who?

What an actor you are.

You know, if you hadn't
chosen bartending,

you could well have had

a career in the theater.

Or as a model.

Anyway, you needn't continue

this charade of nonchalance.

I'm ending my affaire de coeur

because I can sense how it's
secretly gnawing away at you.

Okay. all right.

I'm glad.

All I've been able to think
about is you and Chad.

In your apartment.

In his car, on the stairs.

Doing things even we never did.

I mean, I can't eat,

I can't sleep.

Oh, Sam. Really?

Gee, maybe I could
have been an actor.

Oh!

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Norman.

How're you feeling today, Norm?

Rich and thirsty.

Pour me a beer.

Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson.

Boy, you sure have
gotten successful, huh?

Well, Woody, you know
what they say about success.

It's one percent inspiration
and 99 percent perspiration.

So is your shirt.

Yeah, and you
know what else they

say about success
there, Mr. Rockeflounder?

It's lonely at the top.

Yeah, but the
food's better, Cliff.

Hey, you don't have to rub

our noses in it, man.

I mean, we're your
friends, after all.

Friends?

You call yourselves friends?

The last four or five
times I've walked in here,

you treat me as if I've
done something wrong.

You know, not one of
you guys has bothered

to congratulate
me for my success.

Which, I might add, you all had

a chance to share in.

Maybe I should just take my
refreshment business elsewhere.

When I think of all the
hours I wasted in here

when I could have been
wasting them somewhere else.

Norman, Norman.

Please don't leave.

We're taking it out on you,

but we're really
mad at ourselves.

The hostility you're feeling
is for our own stupidity

at bailing out of this project.

Right, everyone?

You guys are beautiful.

Oh, well, come
on, wait a second.

Come on back here.

Yeah, we've been
actin' like creeps, Normie.

I'll fluff up your
favorite stool.

Yeah, I'll open a
fresh bag of pretzels.

And I'll pour you a beer

just the way you
like it... within reach.

What we're trying
to say here is,

we're sorry.

Yeah.

You had the
guts to stick it out,

and we didn't, and you deserve

all the success now.

Thank you, Sam. Guys.

I'm really glad to
hear that because, uh,

I have a little
surprise for you guys.

I never took you out
of Tan 'N' Wash at all.

And here are your
first dividend checks

right here, huh?

Oh, Norman!

You're kidding me.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow, ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow, ♪

Cheers.

It's for you.

Put 'em on hold.

♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪

Hey. All right.

This is great.

Hey, look at that! It's snowing

even harder out now.

Oh, it's a harbinger

of good fortune!

You said it, bone butt!

Snow today means dough tomorrow.

Hey, let's carry Mr. Peterson

around the bar on our shoulders

and then go play in the snow.

Let's go play in the snow.

Hold it! Hold it!

Last one out's a Clavin.

No, you're not. You're
not gonna get me this time.

Oh, I'm always the Clavin.

Ah, Woody. Woody, Woody, Woody.

Look at them, huh?

Isn't that great?

They're singin' and dancin'.

It gives me a great
feeling all over

to do something
good for those people.

Oh, speaking of people,
you got one on hold here.

Hello. Yeah, hi.

Oh, no. No.

No, get out. No!

What're you...?

No, man, no!

No...

Well, at least we...

No?!

We, no, but wait a, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Bad news, Mr. Peterson?

Wrong number, Woody.

Aren't those annoying?

Uh... Huh! Guys! Good friends!

Listen, people, uh, excuse me!

Listen, I know things have
been going just beautifully,

but, uh, hey, would
you stop jumping

up and down for a second?!

Thank you.

Now let's just take a
hypothetical situation.

Just for fun, let's just
say that the roof collapsed

over at Tan 'N' Wash from
the weight of all this snow

and by some little quirk we
didn't have any insurance.

How would you guys
feel about that, huh?

Just checking.