Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 5 - House of Horrors with Formal Dining and Used Brick - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Yeah, it says here

there's another sighting
of the Loch Ness monster.

Yeah? Do you believe that?

There's even a picture of him.

Whoa! Looks kind of
like President Reagan.

That is Reagan.

The other picture's the monster.

Oh, I see.

Wonder if they'll ever
catch that thing, huh?

Well, I, for one,
hope they never do.



I mean, none of us
really want to see

that poor beast
hauled out of the water

and put on display
in some sideshow.

Well, I sure would.

You know, we
could all go together.

I don't mind driving.

Yeah, but, uh, you
see, Woody, they...

You know, it'd be kind of fun.

We could pack a lunch.

No, Woody, they...

All right, who wants
peanut butter and jelly

and who wants bologna?

Woody, they...

I'll have one of
each, all right?



( piano plays)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Carla, how's that
house-hunting going, huh?

Does that answer your question?

Yes, very nicely.

Boy, I'll tell you,
it's hopeless.

I've looked everywhere
in the Boston area,

and I just cannot find a
house in my price range.

After scrimping
and saving for years,

I think I got finally enough
set aside for a little place,

and find out I ain't got squat.

Well, what's the big rush?
Your apartment's fine.

No, it's not.

My kids get bigger, my
apartment gets smaller.

I don't know what it's like

to be alone in a
bathroom anymore.

What's it like, Sam?

Is it everything
people say it is?

More. Much, much more.

I knew it.

Hello, everyone.

Hi.

DIANE: Sam, I happen

to be free tonight.

If a certain gentleman should

come to knock on my door,

say, about 7:30,

I wouldn't be
adverse to going out.

I sure hope you get lucky.

Because I did; I got myself

a hot date tonight.

I see what you're doing.

Even though I eventually
agreed to marry you,

you're still smarting from
the sting of my initial rejection

and looking for
ways to punish me.

No, I'm not going out with
other women to punish you.

That's just one of the perks.

If you're trying to make
me jealous, you can stop.

I want you to date these women.

While they may look
better in leotards...

Then again, they may not...

They can't compare
to the total package

you've experienced with me.

Oh, I see... We're
talking brains.

Listen, I'll have you know

that Tiffany happens to be a
very exceptional young woman.

Ah, yes, Tiffany... the
girl with the IQ of a lamp.

Let me describe her for you:

spandex wardrobe.

Spends all of her time in a gym.

Breasts that would provide
shade for a small boy.

You, you're not even close.

You, you're so far
from being close.

She makes me crazy.

Did you hear that?

Yup.

Hi, can I speak
to Tiffany, please?

I don't know; try
the aerobics class.

Yeah, yeah, will
you just tell her

that... Sam can't
make it tonight.

Uh, something's
upset his stomach.

Yeah, thank you.

Whew. Boy.

Got to be somebody
in here with a brain.

I mean, I don't even
care if she's good-looking.

You got a sister, Frasier?

No.

You have a dress?

What's the occasion?

Hey, tutti-frutti and a rooti.

Oh, boy, a good and
gracious afternoon

to every one of you
wonderful people.

Oh, Cliffie, cheer up, bud.

Eh, Normie, I'm a happy man.

I started a new route today.

So, where is it?

Uh, Meadowview Acres.

You know, just
north of the airport?

It's a real plum.

Yeah, best route in the city.

No one else wanted it, huh?

( chuckling)

Are you kidding?

It's a nesting ground for
stewardesses out there.

Yeah, there's a house
full of them, you know,

living all together.

And they're nuts about me.

Well, how do you
know that, Mr. Clavin?

Woody, they stand
behind the curtain,

laughing and giggling
the way women do

when they're taken with a man.

Have a couple of drafts, Woody?

Oh, hey, Carla, listen,

if you're still, uh,
searching out a new house,

uh, I got a doozy
out there on my route.

I wrote out the,
uh, particulars.

Give me this.

"Meadowview Acres."

I know where that is.

I couldn't afford...

Hey, this thing is
in my price range...

which means it is
either built on quicksand,

or is currently on fire.

CLIFF: Look,
Carla, I looked at it

and it looked all right to me.

Come on, Carla, check it out.

What do you got to lose?

You really think I should?

Yeah, remember what
your horoscope said today?

"Take a chance,
explore other avenues."

That's right!

And you know what?

That jives with my
other two horoscopes,

my tarot cards, and Madame
Livinda's latest palm reading.

SAM: Well, there you go.

I think I better go give
this thing a look-see.

I'll be back later.
Yeah, bye-bye.

CARLA: Okay.

Hey, Mr. Peterson, I'm a Leo.

What's my horoscope say?

Young bartender
should refill mug

of thirsty patron
at corner of bar.

Those things are so vague,
they could apply to anyone.

Sammy! Sammy!

Listen, I went to
see that house,

and it was perfect.

I mean, listen to this.

Me and the older kids
could have rooms of our own.

Oh-ho!

And there's this big kitchen

with Formica as far
as the eye could see.

And there's grass, Sammy.

I mean, can you imagine
having grass of your very own

to water and mow and lie
down in naked anytime you want.

That's the American
dream, all right.

Yeah. Oh, oh, oh...
There's a fireplace.

Finally the kids are
going to have a place

where they're
supposed to start a fire.

I'm so excited, I
don't know what to do.

Carla, you're talking

like you've already
bought the place.

I did.

You what? I bought it!

I did!

( everyone exclaiming)

They took my first offer.

Went through without a hitch.

Your very first offer?

Yeah, yeah, they could
see I'd be a tough negotiator

and buckled under.

Well, when do you move in?

In a few weeks.

I got to wait for
the loan to clear,

but the guy at the
bank said not to worry,

so I'm not going to.

Life is too wonderful to worry.

Thank you.

SAM: Carla, Carla,

don't you think
there's somebody else

you ought to say something to?

Oh.

Cliff.

Stop. Don't move.

Don't turn around.

Don't say anything.

Just look at the floor.

Huh?

Just do as I said.

Cliff, I want to thank you for
telling me about the house.

You're welcome.

Oh, puke. I knew
you'd get mushy.

I see the search for intelligent
forms of life continues.

Do you mind?

You're in my light.

I am your light.

Happy hunting.

Uh-huh.

Evening, everybody.

EVERYONE: Norm!

What's shakin', Mr. Peterson?

What isn't?

Hey, there, Norm.

Carla bought that
house I told her about.

And she knew its history?

What, what do you mean?

Well, the asking price

just seemed a little
low for that area,

so I did a little
checking on my own.

Oh, no. I don't think
I want to hear this.

Yeah, apparently,

the house is built

directly over the graveyard
of a 17th-century prison.

Oh, my God!

It wasn't exactly a
white-collar prison, either.

The worst murderers
and cutthroats of their time.

They executed hundreds of them.

( groans)

Local legend has it that they're
going to rise from the grave

and seek revenge on
whoever dares to live there.

( groaning)

NORM: Well, we all know

how superstitious Carla is.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God,

oh, God! What's with him?

He, uh, forgot his dry cleaning.

Let me have a scotch
and an Irish coffee.

I guess she doesn't
know about it, huh?

Of course she doesn't know.

Would you buy a house
that had that kind of history?

Houses have karmas.

SAM: Look at her;
she's so happy.

But she has a right to know.

Well, I don't know.

It's always dangerous
to mess with Carla,

but especially when she's happy.

It's like when, uh, Frankenstein

was playing with the
little girl, you know?

It was a bad time to go
up to him with a torch.

CLIFF: Yes, it's

a terrible time; a
terrible, terrible time.

I don't know; I
think Diane's right.

I think we should tell her.

Maybe it's not too late

to do something about it.

Hey, Carla?

Yeah, Sam?

I got something to tell
you about the house.

Something not great.

I knew it.

Carla Tortelli, when
will you ever learn?

After all these
years of heartbreak,

you still get your hopes up.

Okay, get it over with.

What's wrong with it?

Diane?

Carla, your house is built over
a 17th-century prison graveyard.

That's it?

Mm-hmm.

Thank God!

I thought you were
gonna say it had dry rot.

Dry...?

Oh, no problem.

So, how's the new
homeowner, huh?

Fine. Just great.

Well, are you still living

out of those cardboard boxes?

Yeah, you know how it is.

DIANE: You know, Carla,

I really admire you.

It took such courage to overlook

the unhallowed ground
on which your house is built.

I know I would've had my
last earthly moment of rest

in that house the
moment I moved in.

Why, I could no
more close my eyes

in that cauldron of blood
than sever my own arm.

SAM: Hey, Diane...

Oh, yes, well...

Angels on your pillow.

You know, I get
this feeling in my gut

that something's
bothering Carla.

I'm going to find
out what it is.

Hey, uh, so, Carla,
how's the house?

It's a great house!
It's a wonderful house!

It's the best
house in the world!

( angrily): Ooh!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Did you find a problem
after you moved in?

No... 'cause I haven't
actually moved in yet.

So... you are bothered
by the house's history?

Of course I'm bothered by it.

I saw Poltergeist.

Do you think I want
to end up in the TV?

I just didn't say
anything before

'cause I didn't want anyone
to know I was scared.

Sammy, there's
something evil in that house,

something cold and
clammy and horrible.

It doesn't want me there.

Carla, I've had phobias before,

and I've found that
the first essential step

in overcoming
one is to confront it.

I'll bet if you spent one night,

God help you, in that house...

your fears would be licked.

Hey.

You're not going to let anything

stand in the way of
your dreams, are you?

No, I'm not.

I've never been a quitter.

I'm going to spend
tonight in that house.

Good for you, Carla.

Damn right!

I'm going to conquer this thing.

I'm not going to let any demons

from the other world
deny me my house.

Last chance to stop me.

( dog growling faintly)

( keys rattling)

( lock clicks)

( door creaking)

( switch clicks twice)

( clicking repeatedly)

( sighs)

Only ten more hours to go.

( doorbell rings)

( gasps, shrieks)

What are you two
ding-a-lings doing here?

Well, uh, we, uh,
come to spend the night.

And, uh...

I brought you a little
pizza with anchovies.

I hate anchovies.

Yeah, me, too.

Then let's eat, huh?

Hey, you know, this is a, uh,

nice place, Carla.

NORM: Yeah. Oh, yeah, hey, look.

Great fireplace
here, Normie. Yeah.

Super living room.

Hey, you know, with a, uh,

little fresh paint and
some new wallpaper...

you'll have some, uh...

fresh paint and new wallpaper.

Look, I appreciate what
you guys are trying to do,

but it's not necessary.

I'm fine.

Oh, sure, you're fine.
It's a terrific place, Carla.

It's got a really
nice feeling in here.

It's, uh, warm and cozy.

Have you checked out
the rest of the place yet?

No, I thought it might be

a good idea to
have a beer first.

Yeah, I find that
pretty much applies

to just about everything.

( dogs howling outside)

What was that?

Hound from hell.

No, no, no, no.

That's, a... that
was a Dalmatian.

I'd say probably
six, seven years old.

Definitely neutered.

Yep... I've, uh,
never been bitten

by that breed, but, uh...

( phone rings)

What was that?

It was the telephone.

Keep an eye on
Indiana Jones here, huh?

I do not have a good
feeling about this place, Cliff.

All right, Normie, look,

I said we're going
to stick it out,

and that's exactly what
we're going to do, eh?

All right, if the
going gets tough,

you can count on Norm Peterson.

Well, that was Sam.

Vera called. She wants
you to come home.

Yep. I'm out of here.

Norm, Norm, come on!

I mean, since when are you

in such a rush to
get home to Vera?

Since you moved in
over a graveyard, Carla.

Guys, look, I-I'm sorry.

I just... I don't know.

Scary stuff... just scares me.

Hey, hey, Normie,
you're driving!

( sighs)

Well, guess it's, uh...
just the two of us, huh?

Yep.

( "A Summer Place" playing)
You can take off, too, you know.

There's nothing
keeping you here.

Yeah, no, I know.

Oh... I love that song.

Gee, I went to a lot of
dances in high school.

You were a dancer?

No, no, I was on the,
uh, decorating committee.

I still have crepe paper
stains on my fingers.

Yeah, I remember, you
know, watching all those kids

out there having
one hell of a time,

and I thought, "Boy, I'd love
to be out there with them,"

but I could never find a
partner to practice with.

Fascinating.

Hey, hey, hey, keep
your grubby fingers

off my piece there.

Hey, Carla, you know something?

This is the, uh, first time
we've ever been alone together.

Please, I'm eating.

Can I ask you a question?

Who's stopping you?

How come you're
always getting on me?

Is it my fault
you're such a yutz?

And as long as we're
asking questions,

what are you doing here tonight?

Well, having a little
beer and a little pizza,

and, uh... helping a friend
through a scary night.

You think I'm scared?

I'm not scared.

No, Carla... it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Remember what, uh,
Ernest Hemingway said...

Would you shut up?

No, I think that
was Jack London.

Look, Carla,

I feel a little responsible
for getting you into this,

and I just thought you needed,

uh, somebody to
be here with you.

I don't need anybody,
least of all you.

All right.

Fine.

( door creaks open)

Cliff?

( "Blue on Blue" playing)

You know, uh...

I taught a couple of
guys to dance in my day.

So?

So nothing.

First rule:

no stepping on
the teacher's feet.

( chuckles)

Well,

yes, ma'am.

Give me your hands.

Loosen up, would ya?

I don't bite.

Well, not you.

All right,

rock, walk.

Rock... don't bounce.

BOTH: Rock, walk, rock, walk...

CARLA: There you go.

Hey! Hey!

What was your leg doing
underneath my head?

I don't know.

Hey, I was asleep.

I, I, I didn't even enjoy it.

You better not have.

What, uh, what time is it?

It's 4:30 in the morning.

Whoo...

It's gonna be dawn soon.

Hey!

I did it!

I stayed here all night!

The spell is broken.

Thank you, Cliff.
Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I wonder how long
she's been wanting to do that.

It's gonna be okay.

My luck is finally changing.

Hey, can you feel it?

Uh, feel what?

The house, it's different now.

It likes me. It wants me.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna put
the couch right over here.

And the oil painting
of me and Elvis

on that wall.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And the easy chair...

( rumbling)

What's that?

I don't know.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

They're coming to get us.

They're gonna drag us back
down to the grave with them!

( gasps)

( screaming)

( jet engines roaring)

( screaming)

No, wait, no, Carla,

know what that is?

It... it's-it's not the dead
coming out of the grave

to feast on human flesh.

It's an L-1011 wide-body.

You know, the
sounds are very similar.

Yeah.

And I understand that
during foggy weather,

they have to
reroute those babies

to runway two-niner.

It must be near here.

Do you mean

that this house, my house,

is at the end of a runway?

( whimpering): Uh-huh.

And that was a wide-body jet

landing ten feet
from my backyard?

( whimpers): Yeah.

And this house is not
cheap because it's haunted,

but because it is right
next to the airport?

Yeah.

I'm home! Yay!