Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 17 - Never Love a Goalie: Part 2 - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hi, Sam, this is Carla.

I'll be in a little late today.

Eddie's really down
about his losing streak,

and I want to cheer him up.

It may take six or seven hours.

You know hockey players. Bye.

Hi, Sam, it's me.

I'm on a little
break from the trial.

We had some of the most
fascinating testimony today.

Of course, I'm not
at liberty to discuss it.



Suffice it to say...

and the defendant had
the unmitigated gall to get...

Oh, uh, they're
calling us back in.

I have to go. Love you. Bye.

Uh, this is Woody.

Sam, uh, I got home tonight

and remembered
Diane called after you left

and wanted me to
give you a message.

I love you. Bye.

Uh, Sam, this is Woody again.

That message I just left...

You understand it was Diane
saying I love you, not me.

All right, bye.

This is Woody again.



Uh, don't misunderstand
me, I really like you a lot.

This is Woody again.

Uh, I've been
thinking it over, Sam.

I do love you.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, uh, Normie?

Are you going to do my
taxes again this year?

Sure thing, bud.

Yeah, boy, I'm going
to need some help

shuffling through these
new tax laws, I'll tell you.

What new tax laws?

Maybe, uh, maybe I'll
just short-form it this year.

See there's a little more
Eddie LeBec trade talk here.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, terrific.

Uh, Bruins are playing
Gretzky at Edmonton tonight.

Boy, another chance to see Eddie

"Come on in and
bring your puck" LeBec.

Yeah.

Boy, I tell you, that zuke

is a disgrace to his
teammates and this fair city.

Come on, give him a break.

Well, Sammy, it's not
like we're not for the guy.

I mean, especially with
Carla going out with him.

But, you know, the guy's in
a major slump, let's face it.

Hey, I can tell you an interesting
thing about slumps, too.

Uh, statistics show that they can
be grouped into four categories.

Yeah? Yeah, that's right.

Uh, 65 percent physical,
17 percent emotional,

yeah, 15 percent psychological
and, uh, three percent dental.

Cliffie, you know
something, man?

You're a walking encyclopedia.

Oh, thank you, Normie.

Unfortunately, you're
also a talking encyclopedia.

Motions, recess,
motions, recess.

When is this thing going to end?

Two weeks, and the wife
hasn't even taken the stand yet.

Sorry. I missed a couple
words of testimony.

I wanted to go back
and double-check it

with the court reporter.

Why do you keep your
own record of the testimony?

They write down
everything that's said.

They don't write
down emotions...

attitudes, telling
facial glances.

Study my face.

What am I thinking?

As the foreman of your jury,

I feel

that it is my duty

to record each shred of evidence

to give us every
kernel of information

so that we can make the
thoughtful and correct decision.

Well, I've already

made my decision.

I think he's innocent.

Yes. Me, too.

Well, why don't we
just tell the judge that

and go home?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How can you possibly think that?

I believed his testimony.

Seems like a good guy.

And he was impeccably dressed.

I can't believe that
I'm hearing this.

These are your
grounds for acquittal?

Well, pardon me my objectivity,
but I don't happen to agree.

He did it!

I'm sure of it.

I can tell just by
looking at him.

Oh, yeah? Yes.

I was in a very similar

situation to the
wife in that my fiancé

has the same disarming
brand of charm.

Are you saying

that you're about to
marry a murderer?

No, don't stop her.

Let her do it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!

Laugh if you will.

I'm not fooled by Mr. Grand,
and neither should you be.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the judge would like you
back in the courtroom.

What's going on?

Well, just between us,

Mrs. Grand is
dropping the charges.

Dropping charges?

Why?

She realized she still
loves her husband.

Excuse me.

Would it be possible

for me to talk with Mrs. Grand?

Are you serious?

It's over.

Oh, I am so happy for him.

I'm happy for us.

No more jury duty.

Oh, where are you
guys going afterward?

I tell you, the guy's a bum!

Sammy, two, uh,
drafts and a Manhattan.

And who's a bum?

Eddie. Fisher. Eddie Fisher.

The guy hasn't had
a hit record in years.

Well, you better be talking
about him and not my Eddie.

Are you worried about
the game tonight?

Of course I'm worried about it.

I know Eddie's had

a couple of bad games. Seven.

Nine.

Seven. I've never been
very good with numbers.

Yeah, well,

I got a really good feeling
about tonight's game, you know?

The weather's
cleared, it's a full moon,

and it's an even-numbered
day in an even-numbered month.

He'll turn it around
tonight, you'll see.

Oh, I think you're right.
Oh, yeah, absolutely, Carla.

There you go. Absolutely.

Hey, uh, I don't
know if you guys

have the same feeling I do,

but I think it is just
more than a coincidence

that Eddie LeBec's,
uh, bad run started

when he began dating Carla.

I say she's a jinx.

Oh, come on;
hey, don't say that.

I mean, Carla's finally found
someone she really likes.

But what else could
it possibly be, Sam?

Aw, it's ridiculous.

I-I don't believe in that.

Yeah, hey, Frasier, come here.

Listen, tell these
guys, will you,

that there's nothing to the idea

that Carla might
be jinxing Eddie.

Well, Sam, technically,

there is no such thing
as a jinx, unless...

someone thinks there is.

Now, we know that
Eddie's very superstitious.

If he believes
that Carla's a jinx,

I'm afraid it becomes a
self-fulfilling prophecy.

All right, so Carla's a jinx.

What are we
going to do about it?

Well, I don't know about
the rest of you guys,

but I am not going to
let that woman kiss me.

Yeah, right.

Like there's a real danger
of that happening. Right.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, hello.

Well, Sam, you'll
be happy to know

that you have me
back full-time now.

Oh.

The trial is over.

Well, good. Who won?

Certainly not justice.

I'm afraid the wife
decided to drop all charges.

But I say the
husband is a con artist

who somehow managed to
convince that naive woman

that he loves her.

How can a man

tell a woman that he loves her

and yet try to kill her?

I can see it. I can see it.

Sammy, uh, could you,
uh, step down to my office

for one second, please?

Listen, uh, we were thinking

maybe someone's
got to tell Carla

that she's jinxing Eddie.

And what suicidal idiot did
you have in mind to do that?

You know, your name kept
coming up in the discussion...

No, no, no, no, no...

Come on, Sammy.

Look, it's just for all us guys

whose lives are so damn shallow

that we depend upon the
success of our local sports teams

to give us a little
identity around here.

Am I right? Huh?
No, no, no, no way.

Listen, if you want to do this,

then we'll do it
fair and square.

We'll draw straws. Don't look.

Oh, that's fair, Normie.

Now, I want the person
who has to tell Carla to know

that there's a choir job
waiting for them in Vienna.

Sorry, Norm.

Well, on the upside, Normie,

you're in for
some great strudel.

Oh, damn.

I've never been to Europe.

Listen, uh... Carla,

uh...

a few of the guys and
I have been thinking.

Now, this probably has, like,

absolutely nothing
to do with anything,

but, uh... You know, Norm,

I've been thinking about Eddie

and what's happened to
his game and all that, and...

do you think it's possible
that I could be jinxing him?

You? Jinxing Eddie?

That's silly. No way!

No.

Thank you, God.

Sam?

Yeah?

You don't think it's possible

that I'm jinxing Eddie, do you?

No.

Me, either.

It's got to be something else.

And when he comes here,

we're going to
figure it out together.

You really like
the guy, don't you?

I am this close to
falling hard for him.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Eddie!

Oh... CARLA: Hey, Eddie!

Hi.

How's it going?

Well, after my last game,

a fan sent me some
new equipment.

Dark glasses and a white cane.

Oh, you're just having a slump.

You'll get out of it.

I don't know, Sam.

I've tried everything.

I've been watching game
films, taking extra practice.

I don't know what to do.

What did you used to
do to break out of slumps

when you were pitching, Sam?

Me? Well, I, uh, drank
myself into a coma.

Did it work?

Hey, Eddie. Hey, hey, Carla.

Tonight's your night; I know it.

Yeah, well, facing Gretzky, eh?

Hey, forget him.

You carrying that lucky clove

of garlic I gave you? Yeah.

Yes, he is.

I don't know, Carla.

I'm starting to get
that choking feeling

I usually get a day or two

before they send me
down to the minors.

No, no, no, come on!

I don't want to
hear any of that.

There's got to be an
explanation for this,

and we're going to
figure it out right now.

Let's take it from
the beginning, okay?

When was the last time you won?

Well, let's see.

I think that would be
the Canadiens game, eh?

Um, that's right,
because I remember

that's the night we met.

Yeah... could've been
somewhere around then.

Yeah, so, um, when did things

start going bad?

Well, I guess that
would be the next game.

Right. All right, now
think really hard.

Have you been doing anything
different during that time...

Um, eating different foods,

taking a different
route to the Garden,

buying different magazines?

I mean, anything,
anything at all?

No, no, nothing at all.

I... I've been living my life

the same way as
I've always lived it.

Except for one thing.

Eddie, do me a favor.

Yeah, Carla.

Beat it.

What's the problem?

The problem is... we
just don't work anymore.

It's been a lot of grins,

but we both knew it
wasn't going to last forever.

So, it's time for you
to hit the pavement.

Well, hey, I... I don't get it.

I thought things were
going great for us.

Yeah, well, they were,
but they're not anymore,

and I just don't want to
talk about it, so shove off!

Okay.

Whatever you say.

I'll see you around, I guess.

Pretty gutsy thing to do.

Gutsy? Nothin'.

I'm going to prove
to all you yutzes

and to myself that I'm no jinx.

If Eddie loses tonight,
it's not my fault.

You'll see.

He can stink just as bad
without me as he stunk with me.

It's not Romeo and Juliet,
but it has a certain charm.

Time running out
in the third period.

It's still one-nothing,
favor of the Boston Bruins.

Here's Gretzky across the
Boston line, taps in front.

Rolling save by Eddie LeBec!

He went sprawling
to the front side

and kicked it out
with his right hand.

Sammy, two beers
and a vodka rocks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Come on, is my order up yet?

What? Oh, c-come
on, give me a second.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho! There's
people here, Sammy?

Are you running a bar
or you just watching

some stupid hockey game?

All right, all right, all right.

You want to know
what the score is?

Is Boston leading?

Yeah.

Did the Oilers score on Eddie?

No.

I'm not interested.

Whoa, look out, whoa!

Penalty?!

He calls that slashing?

Well, Frasier,

he nearly cut
Curry in half there.

Oh, ticky-tack.
It's a wussy call.

Let the guys play the game.

Good eve...

Aren't you... Bill
and Sherry Grand?

That's right.

Oh...

What an incredible coincidence.

I was the foreman
of the jury at your trial.

Oh, yeah, the one
with the notebook.

Oh, you noticed?

It was hard not to.

I was keeping track
of the testimony.

Diane Chambers. Hello.

Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you.

Why weren't you at the party?

Party? What party?

The party the jury threw for me.

I'm surprised they
would've had it without you.

You seem so...
attractive and intelligent.

Yes, well, those qualities
confuse some people.

Besides, I had to work.

But who cares about me?

The important thing is you two
are back together again, huh?

Thank you. Could we maybe order?

I'd like a glass of white wine.

Wine.

What-what would you like?

I'll have a Bloody Mary.

Excuse me.

I know this is
very forward of me,

but the last time I
saw you in court,

you were ranting and raving,

calling this man
a wife murderer.

It's... very shocking for me

to see you with
him now, so blissful.

I guess I just realized
how much I love him.

I really admire your...
your trust, your conviction.

If you don't mind a
little friendly advice,

I'd sleep with one eye open.

I'll get the drinks.

It's a good thing you
dropped the charges.

I'd hate to have my
fate in her hands.

Bill...

why did you have the
power saw in the kitchen?

Sam... Hit 'em!

A white wine and
a... Bloody Mary.

Oh... human nature.

What?! Oh...

that couple over there.

They're the Grands.

You remember.

The case on which I
was foreman of the jury?

Oh, right, right, right,
the, uh, power saw.

I know. You don't trust me?

Oh, I tell you, it never ceases

to amaze me how some
people can be so ignorant

of what is obvious to
the rest of the world.

Well, I guess there's something

to be said for forgiveness.

In fact, in this rather
jaded day and age,

it's nice to know that
amor vincit omnia.

Hmm?

Love conquers all.

Mm.

And I, for one, shall
not stand in its way.

You know, Sam, I'm
going to pay for this round.

Well, you better hurry.

It looks like he's
about to fire up

the old Black & Decker there.

Oh, don't touch me!

Stay away from me!

Just stay away from me!

What happened?

What happened?

Why don't you check
your stupid little notebook?!

So... the system
works after all.

Back the Oilers go,
back behind the net.

Mark Muskee starting
out for the center ice.

Oilers trailing, one-nothing.

They fool the goal tender.

Pressure really on
Eddie LeBec right now.

Please screw up, please
screw up, please screw up.

Sam, I don't understand.

Why does Carla want
Eddie to screw up?

Well, you see, if Eddie
loses, then Carla wins,

because it proves
she's no longer a jinx.

But if he wins,
then Carla loses,

'cause it reinforces
the jinx theory.

Ah, the old "boy
loses, girl wins,

boy wins, girl loses"
jinx reinforcement theory.

If I've seen it
once, I've seen it...

Still one-nothing,
Boston Bruins lead.

Time running out on the game.

Oilers bring it
out to center ice.

Here's Mark Messier across
the red line into the Bruins' zone.

Gives it down the left
side to Glenn Anderson,

cutting in in
front... he shoots!

And it's saved by Eddie LeBec!

Point-blank range.

Eddie LeBec with a great save,

wins the game for the
Boston Bruins. Damn!

Hey, Sam.

Hey.

See the game tonight?

I sure did. Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah.

It felt great.

Did you ever have
one of those nights

you just knew you
could do no wrong?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

Well, twice.

There you go. Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Just came by for a drink.

That okay?

Free country.

You know...

Carla, after the
game tonight, I...

I figured out why you dumped me.

I guess I'm a little
slow on the uptake

since I've taken so
many on the melon.

I, uh...

I guess you wanted to see if
you were causin' my slump, eh?

Yeah, and guess what?

Well, it doesn't seem
fair that the girl that means

more to me than
anybody else ever has,

you know, turns out to be a...

turns out, you
know... Say it: a jinx.

A hex, a whammy,
a voodoo, a curse.

What am I going to do?

You're not going to do anything.

I'm not going to be responsible

for the Bruins
missing the playoffs

or for your career
going down the toilet.

Hey, Eddie.

Yeah.

Knock 'em dead.

Yeah.

And watch out for
those wrist shots

low in the corner
on your stick side.

Okay, you got it.

Oh.

I wanted you to have this.

What is it?

It's a recording of our song.

I thought... you know,
maybe sometime, you would...

I don't know,
maybe play it and...

and, um, think of me...

you know, think good stuff.

I will.

Okay.

All right, I'll see you, Carla.

Yeah. See you.

You, too, Sam.

Well...

For a refreshing change,

Carla Tortelli ends
up without the guy.

This shirt's drip-dry if
you want to give it a...

No, no, come on.

It's happened so many times,

my tear ducts are all dried up.

Why don't you go on home, Sam?

Come on. I'll clean up here.

Is that what you want?

Yeah, yeah, I think I
want to be alone for awhile.

Okay...

but if you want
someone to talk to,

I'll be over at Diane's.

So, you know, if you
want to call, just go ahead.

Please call.

Thanks, Sam. Good night.

- ♪
- O, Canada, our home and ♪

♪ ...native land ♪

♪ True patriot love ♪

♪ In all thy sons command ♪

♪ With glowing hearts,
we see thee rise ♪

♪ The True North
strong and free... ♪

Hey, Wood, what you working on?

Cheers newsletter.

Wood, Cheers doesn't
have a newsletter.

Wow, there's a scoop.

I'll make that my lead story.

Ah.

Night, Wood.

G'night.

Say, Carla, you sure
you don't want to go

to the game with me tonight?

I'm really on a hot streak.

You're tellin' me
you're on a hot streak.

For the past few weeks,
you've been fantastic.

Not bad on the ice, either.

Hey, Eddie, do me
a favor and beat it!

What's the problem?

Problem is we just
don't work anymore.

It's been a lot of grins,

but we both knew it
wasn't going to last forever.

I don't get it.

I thought things were
great between us.

Well, they were, but they're
not anymore, so hit the bricks.

All right, whatever you say.

Say, I was in here a
couple of weeks ago.

Didn't Carla and her
boyfriend break up then?

Yeah.

They do that before every game.

It's kind of a ritual.

Hey, Carla, that's it!

We're finished!
Through! Good-bye!

Good-bye!

Red Wings Thursday
night. See you then, eh?

Superstitious little
guy, but he's mine.