Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 16 - Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 - full transcript
Eddie Lebec, a newly acquired goalie for the Bruins, comes into the bar prior to a game. Eddie is currently the hottest goalie in the league. Since the start of his winning streak, Eddie, a superstitious person, will not stray from his regular routine, which includes a drink of club soda, no ice, 2 slices of lemon and a red straw. Eddie and Carla hit it off and start dating. Carla is excited but anxious that something will go wrong to ruin the relationship. On the day Eddie publicly declares Carla as his girlfriend, a game against the Flyers goes into OT, and as soon as Carla blows him a kiss of good luck, Eddie's winning streak comes to an end. Is the only difference in his routine the fact of Carla being in his life? With others in the bar, Diane is called to jury duty, to which she is named foreman for an attempted murder trial. Despite being sworn to secrecy, Diane talks about the trial to anyone who will listen, that really being no one. And a depressed Frasier is sad about the passing of beloved lab chimp Bombo. To cheer him up, Carla takes him to a hockey game. The game does get him out of his funk, a little too much however.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Okay, guys, that's it.
Closing time.
Already?
It's hard to believe
17 hours could
slip by that quickly.
Well, good night, Sammy.
Good night. Guys, don't
forget, tonight's the night
we go off daylight savings time.
Be sure to change your clocks.
Let's see now, it's 2:00
now, so which way does it go?
That's "spring forward,
fall back," Mr. Peterson.
All right, so it's, uh, 1:00.
1:00?
Set 'em up, Sammy.
I was this close to going home.
I love this universe.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Afternoon, Sam. Everyone.
Hey, Frasier.
What's wrong?
You look like you
lost your best friend.
Well, in a manner
of speaking, I have.
A colleague of sorts
passed away today.
Someone who contributed
volumes to the world of psychology.
Well, I'm sorry. Is
it anybody I know?
Bombo the chimpanzee.
Oh.
Don't you remember, Sam?
They shared an office.
See, Bombo was one of
Dr. Harry Harlow's apes.
Dr. Harlow was a
behavioral theorist
who worked
extensively with primates
studying human
parenting and child rearing.
Bombo was the last of the group.
And he was the baby.
I can still see him
clutching his little
cloth surrogate mother.
I don't think we'll
ever see his like again.
Can I get you anything?
Please. Something to take
my mind off my troubles.
How about a banana daiquiri?
Cute. Yeah.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Hello.
Oh, hello, my darling.
Oh, my, will you
look at that ring.
My boyfriend gave it to me.
You'll have to
pardon my giddiness.
I am in such a
glorious mood today.
I don't think
anything could spoil it.
Bombo is dead.
Nope. Not even that.
I have been selected to serve
the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts
on jury duty.
I'm so sorry.
That's awful.
They tried to get me once,
but I got off 'cause
I got a good excuse.
I'm the sole
support of six kids.
I suppose they felt that anyone
who hadn't
mastered birth control
isn't smart enough
for jury duty.
You know, I tried to serve,
but they disqualified me. Yeah?
Yeah. I can't understand it,
'cause they went for my theory.
What theory's that?
The one about, uh,
bringing back the guillotine.
Gee, they, uh,
turned you down, huh?
I guess the old inmates
are running the asylum, huh?
Well, I'm honored
to have been chosen
to participate in our
system of jurisprudence.
I'll be proud to serve
on a jury of my peers.
Or so they'll think.
You know, other than voting,
I think jury duty is the
single greatest privilege
America bestows
on her citizenry.
Couldn't get out of it, huh?
I tried everything.
Hey, you know who that is?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it's Eddie LeBec.
Eddie LeBec
right here. All right.
Wow, Eddie LeBec.
Who is Eddie LeBec?
Well, if they're excited
about seeing him,
he's either a sports figure
or he holds the world's record
for stuffing beer
nuts up his nose.
Uh-uh-uh, that is Jimmy
"The Snorkel" Stevens, Diane.
Yeah, he's a, uh,
new goalie for the Bruins.
Hey, that old guy is hardly new.
He's been around the league
for a while. Yeah, but since
the Bruins picked him
up, he's won five in a row.
Boy, the injustice of it.
A man rises to
such popular acclaim
simply by stopping a
hockey puck with his face...
while a courageous little chimp
who advanced man's
scientific knowledge
dies almost anonymously.
You should have gotten
the monkey a pair of skates.
You know, I've
always had this thing
for the goalies and catchers.
Guys who wear masks.
Some girls like the scorers,
you know, the glamour guys?
Me, I like the grunts
who crouch down
and take everything
that's thrown at them...
Scarred faces,
teeth missing, noses
mashed to a meaty pulp.
God, they're sexy.
He's looking pretty
thirsty over there, Carla.
Why don't you, uh...?
Ooh, let me at him.
Hi, there.
Uh, could I have a
glass of club soda, no ice,
two slices of lime and
a red straw, please?
Club soda, no ice,
two slices of lime,
and a red straw, please.
Sam, a... club, club soda...
Yep, I heard, I heard, I heard.
Yeah, that was masterful, Carla.
Hey, you know what,
you know what line I
think really won his heart?
Wow, Eddie LeBec.
It sure is exciting seeing
a sports figure in real life.
What about, what
about me, Woody?
Well, I can't speak
for you, Sam.
I only know I'm excited.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Eddie, uh...
sorry I'm a little tongue-tied.
I... I guess it's because
I'm really a big fan of yours.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You know who I am?
Are you kidding?
Eddie LeBec, born Hull, Quebec.
Drafted out of the
juniors in the fifth round
to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Played for a year
with the Leafs,
then traded to
the Winnipeg Jets,
then to Calgary,
then to Boston. Wow.
Two game misconducts, 78 and 81.
Currently leads the
league in goals against.
Mm-hmm. Unmarried.
Favorite number
is 5-5-5-7-8-4-3.
What's that?
Where I can be reached at night.
Oh.
Well, heh,
it's really nice meeting you.
Carla. Oh.
Carla Tortelli. Hey.
Could I get you some pretzels?
Oh, no, I just drink,
uh, one club soda,
no ice, two slices of lime
and a, and a red straw
before every game.
Oh, superstitious, huh?
Oh, uh, no.
Just things have been going
so well for me here in Boston,
I, uh, don't want to do anything
that might change
that, you know?
Oh, right.
Well, uh, what
other little rituals
do you have?
Oh, I don't know.
Uh, I brush my teeth every day.
No kidding. I, um...
I don't know.
I lace my left skate
first, then my right skate.
Left and right, yeah.
And, um, since my
winning streak started,
I, I wear my
underwear inside out.
You are really a
fascinating guy.
Oh, gosh, Carla, you
know, I, I got to go.
Uh... Yeah.
It was really nice meeting you.
Yeah, you, too. Yeah, thank you.
Say, Carla,
would you like my
tickets for tonight's game?
Whoa! Yeah, well,
you can just pick
them up at Will Call.
Oh, thanks!
It was really nice meeting you.
You too, Eddie. Okay.
Bye. Bye.
See you.
Guys! Guys, guys, get this!
I've got Eddie's tickets
to the Garden tonight!
No way!
Bruins and Canadiens.
Seats so choice you
can smell the sweat.
Oh, yeah.
Anybody want the other ticket?
Oh, God, I'd love
to go, but I can't.
I got to work.
Oh, too bad, Sam.
Wait a minute.
Don't you have to work, too?
You don't think you can
keep me here, do you?
Come on, what happened to "Sam,
could I please have the night off?"
Sam, may I please
have the night off?
Yes.
See how easy it
is if you just ask?
So, who's it going to be?
Well, I only have one.
Cliff, Cliff, wait a second now.
I mean, our friendship's
a little too important
to be ripped apart by
something as stupid
as a hockey ticket, all right?
Well, I guess
you're right, Normie.
A sporting event's
only for a few hours.
Friendship like ours
lasts forever.
Right. There you go.
So, who's going to take it?
None of you, you, you.
Get out of here!
Isn't there anybody else?
What about Frasier?
Hey, Frasier, you look like
you could use a pick-me-up.
A hockey game?
Yeah.
No, thank you.
I've been to the
bullfights in Spain.
I've been to the
altar with Diane.
I think that's enough
carnage for one life.
Oh, come on, Frasier, go.
Bombo would have wanted you to.
Perhaps you're right.
You know, I've always wondered
what makes the average person
turn into an animal
at a sporting event.
Perhaps I could
witness the phenomenon
and write a paper on it.
Put Dr. Frasier Crane
back on the map.
Carla, thank you. I accept.
Well, at least I won't
be fondled all night.
Man, what a game!
Eddie stopped 40 shots!
Oh!
I mean, I haven't seen a
guy have a night like that
since Harmon Killebrew hit
those three moon-shot homers
off of you, Sam.
Yes, I was certainly lucky
to be there to
see that, wasn't I?
Then at the end of the game
when the crowd was giving
Eddie his standing "O,"
he skated right
past me and spit.
Well, you're very lucky, Carla.
Most men would have
been embarrassed
to make such a show
of affection in public.
You know, I got to
believe you're right.
Yeah, Carla, where's Frasier?
I don't know. The
last I saw of him,
they were hauling him
off in a security van.
Well, just curious.
"Security van"?
What happened?
I don't know. I was
watching the game.
I guess there was
some kind of scuffle.
He got caught up in it.
Good Lord!
Oh, hey, Carla, look
who came back, eh?
I'm sure he's not
here just to see me.
Yeah?
Carla,
the man spit.
Hey, great game, Eddie.
Thanks, Carla.
Want a beer? Yeah, sure.
Beer, Sam.
So, uh...
what're you doing back here?
Well, I'm kind of new in Boston.
I really don't know anybody.
That'll be all.
Well, how about the
other guys on the team?
I don't know.
Most of the other
guys are, I don't know,
married or they
have girlfriends,
so I just thought I'd
come back and see...
you know, how
you liked your seats.
Loved 'em!
I like your seat, too.
Carla, you coquette.
Say, uh, Carla,
you, can you come
around and sit down
and, uh, maybe we
can talk a little bit.
Sure!
Oh, thanks.
So, you're a hockey fan, eh?
Oh, yeah.
Well...
what else should
I know about you?
Me? Well, uh,
I'm in my mid-20s,
never been married,
got no kids.
You're next in line to
the throne of England.
Dr. Frasier Crane,
noted psychiatrist,
winner of the Mildred
Bergen Fellowship,
author of 27 published
articles, is out on bail.
Frasier, what happened?
Well, you know, I've
always prided myself
on being a man of
control and maturity.
But suddenly I was swept up
into this crowd's excitement.
Well, damn me to a
junior college for saying it,
I was enjoying myself.
But I guess
the controlled
mayhem of the situation
made me more assertive.
Also, there was this
guy sitting in front of me
who insisted on
wearing his cowboy hat.
Well, I asked this huckleberry
several times to remove it,
and he refused,
and so then I just took it off
his head and handed it to him,
and he handed it back
to me with his fist in it.
Next thing I know,
I'm in a holding cell at
some North End station house
with the cast of
The Road Warrior.
Did you get Mel
Gibson's autograph?
So, uh, so you
had a little fight.
You stood up for yourself.
Come on, look me in
the eye face-to-face here.
Didn't it feel great?
Well, I have to admit,
There was a moment there
when I had a
feeling of satisfaction
like never before in my life.
Sorry, Diane.
Oh...
So, Carla, I'd better
get back to my place.
I gotta look at some films.
I just, uh, I don't know,
I just wanted to stop in
and see, you know, just...
Hey, Eddie, you know,
I really should be
honest with you.
I do have kids. Two.
Well, I love kids.
Six.
I'd still like to see
ya again, okay?
Oh, anytime.
Okay.
No, no, no, no.
If these guys, you know,
find out that you kissed me,
that's all I'd be hearing
about for the next month.
All right. Come on.
He kissed me!
Well, Sam, that was my lawyer.
He's managed to
get the authorities
to drop all the charges.
All right. Okay.
Got off scot-free, huh?
Not exactly.
It seems I have to
undergo seven hours
of psychological counseling.
Man, it is busy back there, Sam.
So, uh, Carla, you're seeing
old #33 again tonight, huh?
No, Cliff, Eddie's
got a game tonight.
Yeah, after a couple
of nights with you,
he's looking for something
a little less
strenuous to do, eh?
Listen, you couch potatoes,
don't get the wrong idea.
There's nothing
serious between us.
We're just friends.
Well, you say that, Carla,
but why am I picking up
the subtle fragrance
of la belle amour?
You know, I like
Eddie well enough.
And... what can I say?
It's kind of a
kick dating a star.
I mean,
I've never been
out before with a guy
who has a driver
come and pick him up
and take him anywhere
he wants to go.
Ooh, he's got a limousine?
No, he has me.
But he pays for everything.
You know, movies,
parking, refreshments.
Do you know how much a tub of
popcorn is going for these days?
It's, uh, $3.70 at the Alto.
Yeah, that Eddie takes
care of me real good.
But you're not
falling for him, right?
Oh, look, who are
we fooling here, Sam?
I mean, you know
my luck with men.
You can't swing a dead cat
without hitting some bum
who once dumped on me.
And...
Eddie LeBec is a star.
You know, once he's
been here a while,
he'll know a lot more people,
and it's "Bye-bye, Carla."
Hey. No way
some guy like that
ends up with me.
Listen, will you stop
cutting yourself short?
You offer a lot
of things to a guy.
Oh, yeah, sure. Six kids,
mortgage up to my
ears, stack of bills,
dead-end job and fallen arches.
You know, if I weren't
already engaged...
Hi, Sam.
Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
The first day of the trial went
a little longer than I expected.
Oh, that's all right.
Just grab an apron.
We got the Bruins
playing tonight.
And the Eddie LeBec
Fan Club is holding forth,
led by President Carla Tortelli.
Right. Luck of the draw.
I think I have gotten
the most challenging and
interesting case of the year.
Oh, that's great. Listen,
do me a favor, will ya?
Go upstairs and get me
some change, please?
Fine.
Of course, I can't discuss
the details of the trial,
but, oh, only if I could.
Quarters. Mostly quarters, yeah.
I can tell you that
I've been chosen
foreman of the jury.
Well, that's great.
Yeah, listen, you do good
with this change thing,
and I'll make you
captain of the bar.
Well...
just as well that I'm leaving.
I wouldn't want to slip and
divulge too much information.
Particularly in this case.
Attempted murder.
This is the last
place I'd talk about it.
Once I let something out,
you'd all be prodding
me endlessly for details.
Sammy, is Diane coming in today?
Yeah.
Hey, folks.
Hey, Sam. Hey.
Hey, Carla. NORM: Eddie.
How you doing?
Woody, get that man a club soda,
no ice, two slices of lime,
and a red straw.
Is that really what
you want? Yes, sir.
How'd you know that, Sam?
He ordered it yesterday.
Oh, well, then I'd better hurry.
You know, I used to, uh...
I used to have
this little ritual
when I was pitching
for the Red Sox.
Mm-hmm.
Before every game,
I'd go out to our third base
coach, Ernie Pantusso, and...
he'd rub my tummy
and I'd rub his head.
Next thing we knew,
the whole stadium was
looking at two grown men
standing in the middle of
the field rubbing each other.
After that we, we did
it in the locker room.
Pretty soon after that,
we just stopped altogether.
Anyway, all I know is that
I've never played better
than, than this in my life.
Yeah?
The puck's looking
as big as a frisbee.
My reactions are
quicker than ever.
I've never been happier.
I'm not gonna do anything
to break my routine.
Except to add one thing.
Whoa.
I'm dedicating
tonight's game to you.
Good night, Eddie.
Good night.
Hey, Eddie.
Your wallet fell
out of your coat.
Oh.
Stop kidding around.
Okay, I'll see ya.
He's always kidding around.
Is on the attack.
They bring it out on center
ice now on the red line.
The puck is tipped away, Flyers.
The Bruins get it
back again, and...
Of course, I can't
really talk about the trial.
No, no, I had the vodka gimlet.
Oh, right, I'm sorry.
I could, I suppose, give
you a hypothetical case,
just to give you an idea.
Not that it would be
the same, but similar.
Now, we have a defendant
who's accused of
attempted murder of his wife.
We'll call him Scum.
And a wife.
Let's call her Victim.
I really shouldn't
be telling you this.
It's just that I can't help it.
I'm compelled to
share it with someone.
But no, no, I'm not
going to say another word.
I'm going to zip my mouth.
Can I get you anything else?
No, zipping your
mouth will be fine.
Hey, how much time we got left?
Minute and a half.
Oh, come on, Eddie.
Come on. You got it.
He's got to be the greatest.
I mean, three
periods and overtime,
and the Flyers have only
put one in against him.
Sure.
Man, can he ever hold them.
Oh, you think he can hold 'em?
I've had four beers
this period alone.
I have not left this
barstool. All right?
Give me an A.
A!
Give me a B!
B!
Give me a C!
C!
Give me a D!
D!
Wait, wait a minute,
Woody. What're you doing?
The alphabet. We're
warming up here.
Give me a...
What exactly is the definition
of attempted murder?
Does... does the accused
actually have to go through
with the crime and fail?
Or is it our duty
to look into his craven heart
and determine his intent?
I mean, how often does
someone just happen
to lose control of a power saw?
Come on, Eddie!
I'm here! I'm with you!
Uh, Carla, he picked a heck of
a game to dedicate to you, huh?
You're telling me.
Sammy. Sam,
would you look at me?
I'm on top of the world.
I'm Eddie LeBec's chick.
I mean, I am dating the
hottest goalie in the league,
and everybody knows me.
For once in my life, I really
feel like I'm somebody.
No, no, no, the Flyers stole it!
Now, don't worry, boys.
It's time for the old
Tortelli lucky charm.
Eddie, for you.
Battle for the puck
along the boards.
Time running out.
Doesn't look like
they'll get a shot off. Five
seconds, four seconds.
Brock plays it on the boards
and Fratti shoots. He scores!
The winning goal
for Philadelphia!
The game is over on a shot
that LeBec should have
blocked in his sleep.
Great.
Eddie blew it.
Just my luck.
You know,
if it was me in that fairy
tale, and I kissed the frog,
he'd end up
turning into a lizard.
One who couldn't go to his left.
Come on, come on, come on.
Lighten up on him.
He just had an
off night, that's all.
I mean, that guy
is gonna take us
all the way to the Stanley Cup.
You're right. I mean,
what am I saying? Yeah.
He'll bounce back tomorrow.
You bet. He'll be fine.
Inside of a week,
that Muyaak will be ice
fishing in Nova Scotia.
a live studio audience.
Okay, guys, that's it.
Closing time.
Already?
It's hard to believe
17 hours could
slip by that quickly.
Well, good night, Sammy.
Good night. Guys, don't
forget, tonight's the night
we go off daylight savings time.
Be sure to change your clocks.
Let's see now, it's 2:00
now, so which way does it go?
That's "spring forward,
fall back," Mr. Peterson.
All right, so it's, uh, 1:00.
1:00?
Set 'em up, Sammy.
I was this close to going home.
I love this universe.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Afternoon, Sam. Everyone.
Hey, Frasier.
What's wrong?
You look like you
lost your best friend.
Well, in a manner
of speaking, I have.
A colleague of sorts
passed away today.
Someone who contributed
volumes to the world of psychology.
Well, I'm sorry. Is
it anybody I know?
Bombo the chimpanzee.
Oh.
Don't you remember, Sam?
They shared an office.
See, Bombo was one of
Dr. Harry Harlow's apes.
Dr. Harlow was a
behavioral theorist
who worked
extensively with primates
studying human
parenting and child rearing.
Bombo was the last of the group.
And he was the baby.
I can still see him
clutching his little
cloth surrogate mother.
I don't think we'll
ever see his like again.
Can I get you anything?
Please. Something to take
my mind off my troubles.
How about a banana daiquiri?
Cute. Yeah.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Hello.
Oh, hello, my darling.
Oh, my, will you
look at that ring.
My boyfriend gave it to me.
You'll have to
pardon my giddiness.
I am in such a
glorious mood today.
I don't think
anything could spoil it.
Bombo is dead.
Nope. Not even that.
I have been selected to serve
the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts
on jury duty.
I'm so sorry.
That's awful.
They tried to get me once,
but I got off 'cause
I got a good excuse.
I'm the sole
support of six kids.
I suppose they felt that anyone
who hadn't
mastered birth control
isn't smart enough
for jury duty.
You know, I tried to serve,
but they disqualified me. Yeah?
Yeah. I can't understand it,
'cause they went for my theory.
What theory's that?
The one about, uh,
bringing back the guillotine.
Gee, they, uh,
turned you down, huh?
I guess the old inmates
are running the asylum, huh?
Well, I'm honored
to have been chosen
to participate in our
system of jurisprudence.
I'll be proud to serve
on a jury of my peers.
Or so they'll think.
You know, other than voting,
I think jury duty is the
single greatest privilege
America bestows
on her citizenry.
Couldn't get out of it, huh?
I tried everything.
Hey, you know who that is?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it's Eddie LeBec.
Eddie LeBec
right here. All right.
Wow, Eddie LeBec.
Who is Eddie LeBec?
Well, if they're excited
about seeing him,
he's either a sports figure
or he holds the world's record
for stuffing beer
nuts up his nose.
Uh-uh-uh, that is Jimmy
"The Snorkel" Stevens, Diane.
Yeah, he's a, uh,
new goalie for the Bruins.
Hey, that old guy is hardly new.
He's been around the league
for a while. Yeah, but since
the Bruins picked him
up, he's won five in a row.
Boy, the injustice of it.
A man rises to
such popular acclaim
simply by stopping a
hockey puck with his face...
while a courageous little chimp
who advanced man's
scientific knowledge
dies almost anonymously.
You should have gotten
the monkey a pair of skates.
You know, I've
always had this thing
for the goalies and catchers.
Guys who wear masks.
Some girls like the scorers,
you know, the glamour guys?
Me, I like the grunts
who crouch down
and take everything
that's thrown at them...
Scarred faces,
teeth missing, noses
mashed to a meaty pulp.
God, they're sexy.
He's looking pretty
thirsty over there, Carla.
Why don't you, uh...?
Ooh, let me at him.
Hi, there.
Uh, could I have a
glass of club soda, no ice,
two slices of lime and
a red straw, please?
Club soda, no ice,
two slices of lime,
and a red straw, please.
Sam, a... club, club soda...
Yep, I heard, I heard, I heard.
Yeah, that was masterful, Carla.
Hey, you know what,
you know what line I
think really won his heart?
Wow, Eddie LeBec.
It sure is exciting seeing
a sports figure in real life.
What about, what
about me, Woody?
Well, I can't speak
for you, Sam.
I only know I'm excited.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Eddie, uh...
sorry I'm a little tongue-tied.
I... I guess it's because
I'm really a big fan of yours.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You know who I am?
Are you kidding?
Eddie LeBec, born Hull, Quebec.
Drafted out of the
juniors in the fifth round
to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Played for a year
with the Leafs,
then traded to
the Winnipeg Jets,
then to Calgary,
then to Boston. Wow.
Two game misconducts, 78 and 81.
Currently leads the
league in goals against.
Mm-hmm. Unmarried.
Favorite number
is 5-5-5-7-8-4-3.
What's that?
Where I can be reached at night.
Oh.
Well, heh,
it's really nice meeting you.
Carla. Oh.
Carla Tortelli. Hey.
Could I get you some pretzels?
Oh, no, I just drink,
uh, one club soda,
no ice, two slices of lime
and a, and a red straw
before every game.
Oh, superstitious, huh?
Oh, uh, no.
Just things have been going
so well for me here in Boston,
I, uh, don't want to do anything
that might change
that, you know?
Oh, right.
Well, uh, what
other little rituals
do you have?
Oh, I don't know.
Uh, I brush my teeth every day.
No kidding. I, um...
I don't know.
I lace my left skate
first, then my right skate.
Left and right, yeah.
And, um, since my
winning streak started,
I, I wear my
underwear inside out.
You are really a
fascinating guy.
Oh, gosh, Carla, you
know, I, I got to go.
Uh... Yeah.
It was really nice meeting you.
Yeah, you, too. Yeah, thank you.
Say, Carla,
would you like my
tickets for tonight's game?
Whoa! Yeah, well,
you can just pick
them up at Will Call.
Oh, thanks!
It was really nice meeting you.
You too, Eddie. Okay.
Bye. Bye.
See you.
Guys! Guys, guys, get this!
I've got Eddie's tickets
to the Garden tonight!
No way!
Bruins and Canadiens.
Seats so choice you
can smell the sweat.
Oh, yeah.
Anybody want the other ticket?
Oh, God, I'd love
to go, but I can't.
I got to work.
Oh, too bad, Sam.
Wait a minute.
Don't you have to work, too?
You don't think you can
keep me here, do you?
Come on, what happened to "Sam,
could I please have the night off?"
Sam, may I please
have the night off?
Yes.
See how easy it
is if you just ask?
So, who's it going to be?
Well, I only have one.
Cliff, Cliff, wait a second now.
I mean, our friendship's
a little too important
to be ripped apart by
something as stupid
as a hockey ticket, all right?
Well, I guess
you're right, Normie.
A sporting event's
only for a few hours.
Friendship like ours
lasts forever.
Right. There you go.
So, who's going to take it?
None of you, you, you.
Get out of here!
Isn't there anybody else?
What about Frasier?
Hey, Frasier, you look like
you could use a pick-me-up.
A hockey game?
Yeah.
No, thank you.
I've been to the
bullfights in Spain.
I've been to the
altar with Diane.
I think that's enough
carnage for one life.
Oh, come on, Frasier, go.
Bombo would have wanted you to.
Perhaps you're right.
You know, I've always wondered
what makes the average person
turn into an animal
at a sporting event.
Perhaps I could
witness the phenomenon
and write a paper on it.
Put Dr. Frasier Crane
back on the map.
Carla, thank you. I accept.
Well, at least I won't
be fondled all night.
Man, what a game!
Eddie stopped 40 shots!
Oh!
I mean, I haven't seen a
guy have a night like that
since Harmon Killebrew hit
those three moon-shot homers
off of you, Sam.
Yes, I was certainly lucky
to be there to
see that, wasn't I?
Then at the end of the game
when the crowd was giving
Eddie his standing "O,"
he skated right
past me and spit.
Well, you're very lucky, Carla.
Most men would have
been embarrassed
to make such a show
of affection in public.
You know, I got to
believe you're right.
Yeah, Carla, where's Frasier?
I don't know. The
last I saw of him,
they were hauling him
off in a security van.
Well, just curious.
"Security van"?
What happened?
I don't know. I was
watching the game.
I guess there was
some kind of scuffle.
He got caught up in it.
Good Lord!
Oh, hey, Carla, look
who came back, eh?
I'm sure he's not
here just to see me.
Yeah?
Carla,
the man spit.
Hey, great game, Eddie.
Thanks, Carla.
Want a beer? Yeah, sure.
Beer, Sam.
So, uh...
what're you doing back here?
Well, I'm kind of new in Boston.
I really don't know anybody.
That'll be all.
Well, how about the
other guys on the team?
I don't know.
Most of the other
guys are, I don't know,
married or they
have girlfriends,
so I just thought I'd
come back and see...
you know, how
you liked your seats.
Loved 'em!
I like your seat, too.
Carla, you coquette.
Say, uh, Carla,
you, can you come
around and sit down
and, uh, maybe we
can talk a little bit.
Sure!
Oh, thanks.
So, you're a hockey fan, eh?
Oh, yeah.
Well...
what else should
I know about you?
Me? Well, uh,
I'm in my mid-20s,
never been married,
got no kids.
You're next in line to
the throne of England.
Dr. Frasier Crane,
noted psychiatrist,
winner of the Mildred
Bergen Fellowship,
author of 27 published
articles, is out on bail.
Frasier, what happened?
Well, you know, I've
always prided myself
on being a man of
control and maturity.
But suddenly I was swept up
into this crowd's excitement.
Well, damn me to a
junior college for saying it,
I was enjoying myself.
But I guess
the controlled
mayhem of the situation
made me more assertive.
Also, there was this
guy sitting in front of me
who insisted on
wearing his cowboy hat.
Well, I asked this huckleberry
several times to remove it,
and he refused,
and so then I just took it off
his head and handed it to him,
and he handed it back
to me with his fist in it.
Next thing I know,
I'm in a holding cell at
some North End station house
with the cast of
The Road Warrior.
Did you get Mel
Gibson's autograph?
So, uh, so you
had a little fight.
You stood up for yourself.
Come on, look me in
the eye face-to-face here.
Didn't it feel great?
Well, I have to admit,
There was a moment there
when I had a
feeling of satisfaction
like never before in my life.
Sorry, Diane.
Oh...
So, Carla, I'd better
get back to my place.
I gotta look at some films.
I just, uh, I don't know,
I just wanted to stop in
and see, you know, just...
Hey, Eddie, you know,
I really should be
honest with you.
I do have kids. Two.
Well, I love kids.
Six.
I'd still like to see
ya again, okay?
Oh, anytime.
Okay.
No, no, no, no.
If these guys, you know,
find out that you kissed me,
that's all I'd be hearing
about for the next month.
All right. Come on.
He kissed me!
Well, Sam, that was my lawyer.
He's managed to
get the authorities
to drop all the charges.
All right. Okay.
Got off scot-free, huh?
Not exactly.
It seems I have to
undergo seven hours
of psychological counseling.
Man, it is busy back there, Sam.
So, uh, Carla, you're seeing
old #33 again tonight, huh?
No, Cliff, Eddie's
got a game tonight.
Yeah, after a couple
of nights with you,
he's looking for something
a little less
strenuous to do, eh?
Listen, you couch potatoes,
don't get the wrong idea.
There's nothing
serious between us.
We're just friends.
Well, you say that, Carla,
but why am I picking up
the subtle fragrance
of la belle amour?
You know, I like
Eddie well enough.
And... what can I say?
It's kind of a
kick dating a star.
I mean,
I've never been
out before with a guy
who has a driver
come and pick him up
and take him anywhere
he wants to go.
Ooh, he's got a limousine?
No, he has me.
But he pays for everything.
You know, movies,
parking, refreshments.
Do you know how much a tub of
popcorn is going for these days?
It's, uh, $3.70 at the Alto.
Yeah, that Eddie takes
care of me real good.
But you're not
falling for him, right?
Oh, look, who are
we fooling here, Sam?
I mean, you know
my luck with men.
You can't swing a dead cat
without hitting some bum
who once dumped on me.
And...
Eddie LeBec is a star.
You know, once he's
been here a while,
he'll know a lot more people,
and it's "Bye-bye, Carla."
Hey. No way
some guy like that
ends up with me.
Listen, will you stop
cutting yourself short?
You offer a lot
of things to a guy.
Oh, yeah, sure. Six kids,
mortgage up to my
ears, stack of bills,
dead-end job and fallen arches.
You know, if I weren't
already engaged...
Hi, Sam.
Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
The first day of the trial went
a little longer than I expected.
Oh, that's all right.
Just grab an apron.
We got the Bruins
playing tonight.
And the Eddie LeBec
Fan Club is holding forth,
led by President Carla Tortelli.
Right. Luck of the draw.
I think I have gotten
the most challenging and
interesting case of the year.
Oh, that's great. Listen,
do me a favor, will ya?
Go upstairs and get me
some change, please?
Fine.
Of course, I can't discuss
the details of the trial,
but, oh, only if I could.
Quarters. Mostly quarters, yeah.
I can tell you that
I've been chosen
foreman of the jury.
Well, that's great.
Yeah, listen, you do good
with this change thing,
and I'll make you
captain of the bar.
Well...
just as well that I'm leaving.
I wouldn't want to slip and
divulge too much information.
Particularly in this case.
Attempted murder.
This is the last
place I'd talk about it.
Once I let something out,
you'd all be prodding
me endlessly for details.
Sammy, is Diane coming in today?
Yeah.
Hey, folks.
Hey, Sam. Hey.
Hey, Carla. NORM: Eddie.
How you doing?
Woody, get that man a club soda,
no ice, two slices of lime,
and a red straw.
Is that really what
you want? Yes, sir.
How'd you know that, Sam?
He ordered it yesterday.
Oh, well, then I'd better hurry.
You know, I used to, uh...
I used to have
this little ritual
when I was pitching
for the Red Sox.
Mm-hmm.
Before every game,
I'd go out to our third base
coach, Ernie Pantusso, and...
he'd rub my tummy
and I'd rub his head.
Next thing we knew,
the whole stadium was
looking at two grown men
standing in the middle of
the field rubbing each other.
After that we, we did
it in the locker room.
Pretty soon after that,
we just stopped altogether.
Anyway, all I know is that
I've never played better
than, than this in my life.
Yeah?
The puck's looking
as big as a frisbee.
My reactions are
quicker than ever.
I've never been happier.
I'm not gonna do anything
to break my routine.
Except to add one thing.
Whoa.
I'm dedicating
tonight's game to you.
Good night, Eddie.
Good night.
Hey, Eddie.
Your wallet fell
out of your coat.
Oh.
Stop kidding around.
Okay, I'll see ya.
He's always kidding around.
Is on the attack.
They bring it out on center
ice now on the red line.
The puck is tipped away, Flyers.
The Bruins get it
back again, and...
Of course, I can't
really talk about the trial.
No, no, I had the vodka gimlet.
Oh, right, I'm sorry.
I could, I suppose, give
you a hypothetical case,
just to give you an idea.
Not that it would be
the same, but similar.
Now, we have a defendant
who's accused of
attempted murder of his wife.
We'll call him Scum.
And a wife.
Let's call her Victim.
I really shouldn't
be telling you this.
It's just that I can't help it.
I'm compelled to
share it with someone.
But no, no, I'm not
going to say another word.
I'm going to zip my mouth.
Can I get you anything else?
No, zipping your
mouth will be fine.
Hey, how much time we got left?
Minute and a half.
Oh, come on, Eddie.
Come on. You got it.
He's got to be the greatest.
I mean, three
periods and overtime,
and the Flyers have only
put one in against him.
Sure.
Man, can he ever hold them.
Oh, you think he can hold 'em?
I've had four beers
this period alone.
I have not left this
barstool. All right?
Give me an A.
A!
Give me a B!
B!
Give me a C!
C!
Give me a D!
D!
Wait, wait a minute,
Woody. What're you doing?
The alphabet. We're
warming up here.
Give me a...
What exactly is the definition
of attempted murder?
Does... does the accused
actually have to go through
with the crime and fail?
Or is it our duty
to look into his craven heart
and determine his intent?
I mean, how often does
someone just happen
to lose control of a power saw?
Come on, Eddie!
I'm here! I'm with you!
Uh, Carla, he picked a heck of
a game to dedicate to you, huh?
You're telling me.
Sammy. Sam,
would you look at me?
I'm on top of the world.
I'm Eddie LeBec's chick.
I mean, I am dating the
hottest goalie in the league,
and everybody knows me.
For once in my life, I really
feel like I'm somebody.
No, no, no, the Flyers stole it!
Now, don't worry, boys.
It's time for the old
Tortelli lucky charm.
Eddie, for you.
Battle for the puck
along the boards.
Time running out.
Doesn't look like
they'll get a shot off. Five
seconds, four seconds.
Brock plays it on the boards
and Fratti shoots. He scores!
The winning goal
for Philadelphia!
The game is over on a shot
that LeBec should have
blocked in his sleep.
Great.
Eddie blew it.
Just my luck.
You know,
if it was me in that fairy
tale, and I kissed the frog,
he'd end up
turning into a lizard.
One who couldn't go to his left.
Come on, come on, come on.
Lighten up on him.
He just had an
off night, that's all.
I mean, that guy
is gonna take us
all the way to the Stanley Cup.
You're right. I mean,
what am I saying? Yeah.
He'll bounce back tomorrow.
You bet. He'll be fine.
Inside of a week,
that Muyaak will be ice
fishing in Nova Scotia.