Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 15 - Spellbound - full transcript
Diane and Carla console Loretta, who has caught Nick cheating on her. They counsel her to stand on her own two feet and leave Nick. When Nick comes into the bar to claim her back, a chivalrous Sam stands up for her. Nick takes that as a sign that Sam has stolen Loretta from him. So Nick threatens to steal the same from Sam, that being Diane. Nick makes an attempt to wine and dine Diane, then Loretta, then Carla and then any of the three who will give him the time of day. Meanwhile, Frasier, the chess expert, has met his match in simpleton Woody.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Are you, uh,
are you going to make
a move in our lifetime?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Oh, come on, Norm.
Why don't you just
give up? You're finished.
Well, not necessarily.
He could move this piece
over to here.
My God, Woody, that's brilliant.
You're suggesting that
after two futile interpositions,
he attempt to force unobstructed
access to the eighth rank.
Well, no, I'm saying he
should take your horsey
with his little
pointy-headed guy.
No, not that one.
Too late! Checkmate!
Good game, Norm.
Okay, next victim.
Well, what's with this
obsession with chess here, huh?
Oh, it's just a hobby, Sam.
You know, uh,
relieve the tension.
Well, I got a better
way to relieve tension.
Her name's Tawny.
You want her number?
No, thanks, Sam.
I prefer something with a
little mental stimulation as well.
So read to her first.
No, thanks. I'll stick to chess.
You know, that and fencing
were my two outlets
during college.
Oh, boy, fencing.
I haven't had the
old epée out in years.
Boy, that'd make me
pretty tense, too.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Mind if I play, Dr. Crane?
No, not at all, Woody.
I've thrashed
everybody else in the bar.
You may as well be allowed
your chance at ignominious defeat.
Well, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Hi, Sam.
Hi, Lor... are you
all right, Loretta?
I'm fine, and you?
Oh, I'm-I'm fine.
That's nice to hear.
Is Carla working tonight?
Yeah.
She's right over there.
Thank you, Sam.
It's been nice talking with you.
Excuse me, Carla,
but I caught Nick cheating on me
and I've decided to leave him.
So you finally found out
my ex-husband is a jerk.
Well, I told you that
before you married the bum.
I've done my part.
Carla...
Don't ignore her
in her time of need.
Can't you tell when
a woman is dying?
Sure.
When the roots start
showing. Like that.
Want a drink?
A diet cola would be wonderful.
Okay.
Look, kid,
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Oh, thank you, Carla, thank you.
I'm moved beyond recognition.
How long did it take you
to mend your broken heart?
I'll let you know
when it happens.
Loretta...
would you like to talk about it?
Not really.
To come home and
find out that a loved one
has been unfaithful
is a terrible blow.
The best therapy is to
tell how you feel about it.
I'm against it.
All right, Diane, you've
got your catharsis.
Now leave the girl alone.
Well, at least
I'm trying to help.
You're merely
trying to figure out
why your king's
about to be mated.
Oh, my God.
Woody, you must
be an idiot savant.
Yeah, but I cover it
by smiling a lot.
Come on, Loretta.
Don't hold it inside.
Well, Nick, who is my husband,
has been seeing another woman.
I just realized it today
when I found blonde
hairs on Nick's shirt.
Loretta, you're a blonde.
Sure. Take his side.
Would you excuse us, please?
Look, it's closing time.
Loretta needs someone
to confide in right now.
Sam, why don't you go on home,
and we ladies will
take care of her.
Wh-What is this "we" bit?
I feel very strongly that
it's our duty as women
to be there for another
woman when she wants to talk.
Just as I feel very strongly
that it's my duty as a man
to be there for a woman
when she doesn't want to talk.
Same kind of thing.
We'll miss that kind
of poignancy, Sam.
Now, what do you say?
Will you do it? Oh, all right.
But only because no living
thing should be subjected
to a night alone with you.
That's the spirit.
Let's wrap it up, guys.
Oh, oh, well, all right, Sam.
We can, uh, finish this
up tomorrow, Woody.
Well, who's winning
now, Dr. Crane?
Oh, what does it
matter who's winning?
We'll just start out
fresh tomorrow, okay?
Night, Sam.
Oh, Carla, I still love him.
Nothing you can do.
We're talking
about Nick Tortelli.
He wants you, you got no choice.
This is the part I don't get.
Here's a man that
quicksand would spit up...
and yet he has this strange
Svengali-like power over you.
Oh, yes.
From the moment I first saw him,
I knew I'd follow him
to the ends of the earth.
Where he's obviously
spent a lot of time.
You know, there's,
there's something about him.
I mean, he knows women.
Like a jeweler knows jewels.
Like a meat cutter knows meat.
Like a marine biologist
knows marines.
Knowing me as well as I do,
I'll probably end up
crawling right back to him.
Yeah, and he'll be there waiting
with that cute look on his face
and those three little words,
"She's my cousin."
You're not crawling back to him.
We're gonna fight this together.
You don't need that reptile.
You can take care of yourself.
But what'll I do?
Well, you must be
good at something.
Well... I'm great at singing.
Okay.
In fact, before I married Nick,
I was on my way to
becoming a taller, blonder,
less Mormon Marie Osmond.
Loretta, if Nick's going
to treat you this way,
you can't let him come
between you and your career.
You're right.
I've got to sing again.
Do you think Sam
would let me sing here?
Let me take care of it.
I can talk him into anything.
No, Diane, I told
you. Absolutely not.
I wish you'd reconsider.
Oh, please...
Loretta needs a job.
And you've never
had a singer before.
Oh, I've had a singer.
You probably mean...
Yes, in the bar.
Right. It might be
good for business.
I, uh...
I don't need a-a singer.
C-Can you waitress?
No, but I can do a salute
to waitresses in my act.
Come on, it's only temporary,
until she can get
back on her feet.
Okay, all right. Okay.
I ran across an interesting
fact the other day.
You know, if I took a,
uh, ride in a spaceship
at the speed of
light for ten years,
when I return, I'd
be ten years older,
but everybody else here
would be 80 years older.
Now, do you realize
the ramifications of that?
Yeah, for once you'd be the
best player on our softball team.
I just can't discuss
science with you.
Cliffie, Cliffie...
Give me a break. W-Wait!
Carla!
Nick.
Long time, no see.
You do somethin' to your hair?
No.
Think about it.
Nick, be a cannibal.
Eat a rat.
The magic is still there, Carla.
Whatever happened between us?
You lied, you cheated,
you neglected the kids,
you never came home,
and you drank too much.
Nah. It'd have to
be more than that.
Say the word, blondie,
and we can happen.
I'd rather be the love toy
of a Greek army battalion.
Who wouldn't?
But dreaming gets you nowhere.
Nicky!
Loretta.
I've decided to forgive you
for bursting in on me and
Miss Romero in the shower.
I'm sorry, Nicky.
You oughta be. It
was very embarrassing.
Let's go home.
Okay.
Be strong.
I mean...
No.
That sounded negative to me.
I'm here for you.
I'm not going home with you.
I'm leaving you, Nick.
Uh...
get-g-get in the
car, sugar lump.
Don't make me mad now.
Hey, Nick, why don't
you leave her alone?
Uh, Sam, she's
coming home with me.
Uh, in case you have forgotten,
she is my, uh, betrothed.
She doesn't want to
go back to him. All right.
Please help her. I know. I know.
Nick, come on. Beat it.
She doesn't want to
be around you right now.
Eh, Sam, buddy, uh,
it is not a good thing
for them to see
us fighting here.
Uh, these people,
uh, they look up to us.
Uh, we're role models.
Then don't make me ask again.
Okay, okay, I'm not
looking for trouble.
Eh, but mark my words.
Eh, I'm coming
back for my woman.
Oh, Sam,
you stood up for me.
Nobody's ever done
that for me before.
Oh.
Sam, I'm aghast.
What?
You of all people?!
Have you no respect
for our blessed union?
Oh, come on, Nick.
There's nothing going on here.
I'm not interested in Loretta.
Uh, I got one thing
to say to you, Sam.
Two can play the same game.
You took my woman...
I'm gonna take yours.
Me?
You're taking me?
The only thing you
should be taking
is penicillin.
This is great.
Nick is gonna cast
a love spell on Miss
Goody Two Shoes,
and I get to watch.
Actually, I'm not gonna make
my romantic approach tonight.
It's getting too late for that.
Ah, yes, goodness...
look at the time.
Time.
Time to lay back.
Time to forget your inhibitions.
This is diabolical.
From this day forward,
there will be nobody
for you but me.
You will fall hopelessly in love
and follow me to
the ends of the earth.
Oh, yeah... and
bring a six-pack.
God, the man is insane to think
that anyone would be
gullible enough to fall
for that idiotic nonsense.
♪ Mr. Sandman,
bring me a dream. ♪
Thank you, thank you.
You've been a
wonderful audience.
Expecting someone, Diane?
No, not really.
Sure you are.
He's out there somewhere.
Waiting.
I've heard so much
about Nick Tortelli's magic,
but it's been a week,
and I haven't seen
any evidence of it.
Don't you see what he's doing?
It's all part of his plan.
You know, like
when the drums stop
in a jungle movie?
You sit and wonder...
what are the natives doing?
And then you start to sweat.
He's a genius.
Woody, I refuse
to continue playing
if every time you take
one of my pieces, you go...
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane;
I thought it added
a little bit of
excitement to the game.
Well, it doesn't!
Okay, Woody.
You know, I think it's
time we took off the gloves.
I have allowed you
to defeat me several times
because I was going easy on you,
so as not to crush
your natural enthusiasm.
But I think it's time
you took a giant
step toward maturity.
There are a great many
lessons to be learned in defeat.
Chief among them is
how to lose gracefully.
Checkmate.
You missed my king.
Dr. Crane!
Good night, Loretta.
Thanks, Sam. Mm-hmm.
Never again does
she sing in this bar.
Yes, dear.
You know, Sammy,
I know you kind of like Diane.
But you're gonna
have to face it.
She's his now.
Oh, come on, will you stop it?
I mean, Nick and Diane...
They don't even belong
on the same planet.
The guy doesn't have
any table manners.
I mean, he thinks he's
God's gift to women.
And when was the last time
he even picked up a book?
How's that different
from you, Sam?
All right, there's
a big difference...
there's a big difference
between thinking you're
God's gift and knowing it.
You know, Sammy, I, uh,
think Nick is getting to you.
Why? You think I'm
worried about this?
Are you kidding?
Uh-huh, well, look at this.
You added these
receipts all wrong.
I did not. Then you're saying
we took in $32 million tonight?
Well, there was that party of
ten in the corner table there.
Yeah. I'm gonna go add
these on the machine, okay?
Yeah, maybe you better.
Uh...
Diane, I'm going to go home now
and watch the, uh, last
half of the Celtics game.
All right?
Okay, Sam.
See you in the morning.
Okay. I'll be dreaming of you.
I'll be dreaming of me, too.
Closing!
Good evening, Miss Chambers.
Nick, you had better
be here to tell me
that you've given up
your quest to win my favor.
Please, Miss Chambers,
this is for you and
you alone, my sweet.
God, you've got to be kidding!
In matters of amore,
Nick Tortelli never kids.
Sit.
I am not a dog.
Of course you're not.
You think I'd spend this
kinda dough on an ug-o?
Now, come on.
We have a night of
magic ahead of us.
Let us commence.
Nick, there will be no
dinner, no magic, no us.
You and I have to talk.
Now, please, sit down.
Okay.
Nick... will you give up on me?
You and I are an impossibility.
The only thing you instill
in me is the desire to flee.
And then to be de-flea'd.
I'm sensing that, uh, we're not
gonna hit the sheets together.
That is correct.
Save it!
Why are you wasting
your time on this?
Loretta's the woman for you.
She's spending all
of her time with Sam.
Women can't get their
eyes off of that guy.
I guess, in his own
way, he's good-looking.
Oh, Nick, you're every bit
as... mistaken as you can be.
Sam and Loretta are not an item.
Sam is mine.
So, why don't you
do something decent for once
and go back and make
your marriage work?
Get up, get up, get up!
What's going on here?
Surprise!
I just came because I
forgot my... my charts.
Is this all for me?
Of course it's for you.
It's my attempt to win
you back into my heart.
Isn't that right, Miss Chambers?
Oh, yes, yes.
He's really a sweet
guy, isn't he, Loretta?
He sure is.
Yeah. If he
weren't already taken,
I'd snap him up for myself.
Well, I'll leave you
two lovebirds alone.
I'm just going in the
back to freshen up.
I'll be out of here in
just a few minutes.
I really like that Debbie.
Uh... Loretta, if I have
caused you, uh, any heartache,
I want to say I'm sorry.
But I really do love you,
and I know you love me,
and it's crazy for us
not to be together.
You're the only
woman on Earth for me.
How come the cake
says "Nick and Diane"?
Excuse me?
How come the cake
says "Nick and Diane"?
You know what a
lousy speller I am.
Oh, right.
But, wait, that's pretty bad.
This wasn't for
me after all, was it?
This was for some
girl named Diane!
No!
It's no use.
We're through forever.
If you ever need a singer,
I'm available for any gig.
Cut it!
Nick.
Carla!
What's all this?
This is for you, my sweet.
All this is for me?
Yeah. And if this
is not an attempt
at reconciliation,
uh, I don't know what is.
This is.
You don't believe me?
Whose lipstick is on the glass?
What? I'm gonna have
the caterer flogged.
Right, Nick.
I hope you guys got
your money up front.
Nick?
Diane. Diane, look
how fate once again
has brought us
together this evening.
Uh, excuse me if I
don't get up for you.
Where's Loretta?
Uh, I don't know.
She, uh, she got up
and ran out on me.
Uh, apparently, she
didn't like the cake.
Nick, do yourself a favor.
Get up out of that chair,
march out that door...
Do you mind?
March out that door,
find your wife, take
her in your arms,
sweep her up off her
feet, and tell her that
"if our hearts cannot
be as one for all eternity,
life will have
lost all meaning."
Okay, I'll do that.
That's it, boys.
You're off the clock.
Find your own ways home.
Loretta!
Did I miss something here?
Men. They are so stupid.
What are you
doing here?
Oh, well, I thought it
was more important
for me to be here with you
than watching some
silly old basketball game.
Your TV's broken? Yeah.
This whole thing is
so sad, really very sad.
Oh, that's all right.
It's under warranty.
It'll be okay.
No, I'm talking about life.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
How a good woman can make
all the difference in the world,
and yet men are constantly
letting them slip away.
Mm...
I hope you don't let
that happen to you
and a certain
flaxen-haired beauty
in your life.
Don't worry.
I won't.
a live studio audience.
Are you, uh,
are you going to make
a move in our lifetime?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Oh, come on, Norm.
Why don't you just
give up? You're finished.
Well, not necessarily.
He could move this piece
over to here.
My God, Woody, that's brilliant.
You're suggesting that
after two futile interpositions,
he attempt to force unobstructed
access to the eighth rank.
Well, no, I'm saying he
should take your horsey
with his little
pointy-headed guy.
No, not that one.
Too late! Checkmate!
Good game, Norm.
Okay, next victim.
Well, what's with this
obsession with chess here, huh?
Oh, it's just a hobby, Sam.
You know, uh,
relieve the tension.
Well, I got a better
way to relieve tension.
Her name's Tawny.
You want her number?
No, thanks, Sam.
I prefer something with a
little mental stimulation as well.
So read to her first.
No, thanks. I'll stick to chess.
You know, that and fencing
were my two outlets
during college.
Oh, boy, fencing.
I haven't had the
old epée out in years.
Boy, that'd make me
pretty tense, too.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Mind if I play, Dr. Crane?
No, not at all, Woody.
I've thrashed
everybody else in the bar.
You may as well be allowed
your chance at ignominious defeat.
Well, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Hi, Sam.
Hi, Lor... are you
all right, Loretta?
I'm fine, and you?
Oh, I'm-I'm fine.
That's nice to hear.
Is Carla working tonight?
Yeah.
She's right over there.
Thank you, Sam.
It's been nice talking with you.
Excuse me, Carla,
but I caught Nick cheating on me
and I've decided to leave him.
So you finally found out
my ex-husband is a jerk.
Well, I told you that
before you married the bum.
I've done my part.
Carla...
Don't ignore her
in her time of need.
Can't you tell when
a woman is dying?
Sure.
When the roots start
showing. Like that.
Want a drink?
A diet cola would be wonderful.
Okay.
Look, kid,
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Oh, thank you, Carla, thank you.
I'm moved beyond recognition.
How long did it take you
to mend your broken heart?
I'll let you know
when it happens.
Loretta...
would you like to talk about it?
Not really.
To come home and
find out that a loved one
has been unfaithful
is a terrible blow.
The best therapy is to
tell how you feel about it.
I'm against it.
All right, Diane, you've
got your catharsis.
Now leave the girl alone.
Well, at least
I'm trying to help.
You're merely
trying to figure out
why your king's
about to be mated.
Oh, my God.
Woody, you must
be an idiot savant.
Yeah, but I cover it
by smiling a lot.
Come on, Loretta.
Don't hold it inside.
Well, Nick, who is my husband,
has been seeing another woman.
I just realized it today
when I found blonde
hairs on Nick's shirt.
Loretta, you're a blonde.
Sure. Take his side.
Would you excuse us, please?
Look, it's closing time.
Loretta needs someone
to confide in right now.
Sam, why don't you go on home,
and we ladies will
take care of her.
Wh-What is this "we" bit?
I feel very strongly that
it's our duty as women
to be there for another
woman when she wants to talk.
Just as I feel very strongly
that it's my duty as a man
to be there for a woman
when she doesn't want to talk.
Same kind of thing.
We'll miss that kind
of poignancy, Sam.
Now, what do you say?
Will you do it? Oh, all right.
But only because no living
thing should be subjected
to a night alone with you.
That's the spirit.
Let's wrap it up, guys.
Oh, oh, well, all right, Sam.
We can, uh, finish this
up tomorrow, Woody.
Well, who's winning
now, Dr. Crane?
Oh, what does it
matter who's winning?
We'll just start out
fresh tomorrow, okay?
Night, Sam.
Oh, Carla, I still love him.
Nothing you can do.
We're talking
about Nick Tortelli.
He wants you, you got no choice.
This is the part I don't get.
Here's a man that
quicksand would spit up...
and yet he has this strange
Svengali-like power over you.
Oh, yes.
From the moment I first saw him,
I knew I'd follow him
to the ends of the earth.
Where he's obviously
spent a lot of time.
You know, there's,
there's something about him.
I mean, he knows women.
Like a jeweler knows jewels.
Like a meat cutter knows meat.
Like a marine biologist
knows marines.
Knowing me as well as I do,
I'll probably end up
crawling right back to him.
Yeah, and he'll be there waiting
with that cute look on his face
and those three little words,
"She's my cousin."
You're not crawling back to him.
We're gonna fight this together.
You don't need that reptile.
You can take care of yourself.
But what'll I do?
Well, you must be
good at something.
Well... I'm great at singing.
Okay.
In fact, before I married Nick,
I was on my way to
becoming a taller, blonder,
less Mormon Marie Osmond.
Loretta, if Nick's going
to treat you this way,
you can't let him come
between you and your career.
You're right.
I've got to sing again.
Do you think Sam
would let me sing here?
Let me take care of it.
I can talk him into anything.
No, Diane, I told
you. Absolutely not.
I wish you'd reconsider.
Oh, please...
Loretta needs a job.
And you've never
had a singer before.
Oh, I've had a singer.
You probably mean...
Yes, in the bar.
Right. It might be
good for business.
I, uh...
I don't need a-a singer.
C-Can you waitress?
No, but I can do a salute
to waitresses in my act.
Come on, it's only temporary,
until she can get
back on her feet.
Okay, all right. Okay.
I ran across an interesting
fact the other day.
You know, if I took a,
uh, ride in a spaceship
at the speed of
light for ten years,
when I return, I'd
be ten years older,
but everybody else here
would be 80 years older.
Now, do you realize
the ramifications of that?
Yeah, for once you'd be the
best player on our softball team.
I just can't discuss
science with you.
Cliffie, Cliffie...
Give me a break. W-Wait!
Carla!
Nick.
Long time, no see.
You do somethin' to your hair?
No.
Think about it.
Nick, be a cannibal.
Eat a rat.
The magic is still there, Carla.
Whatever happened between us?
You lied, you cheated,
you neglected the kids,
you never came home,
and you drank too much.
Nah. It'd have to
be more than that.
Say the word, blondie,
and we can happen.
I'd rather be the love toy
of a Greek army battalion.
Who wouldn't?
But dreaming gets you nowhere.
Nicky!
Loretta.
I've decided to forgive you
for bursting in on me and
Miss Romero in the shower.
I'm sorry, Nicky.
You oughta be. It
was very embarrassing.
Let's go home.
Okay.
Be strong.
I mean...
No.
That sounded negative to me.
I'm here for you.
I'm not going home with you.
I'm leaving you, Nick.
Uh...
get-g-get in the
car, sugar lump.
Don't make me mad now.
Hey, Nick, why don't
you leave her alone?
Uh, Sam, she's
coming home with me.
Uh, in case you have forgotten,
she is my, uh, betrothed.
She doesn't want to
go back to him. All right.
Please help her. I know. I know.
Nick, come on. Beat it.
She doesn't want to
be around you right now.
Eh, Sam, buddy, uh,
it is not a good thing
for them to see
us fighting here.
Uh, these people,
uh, they look up to us.
Uh, we're role models.
Then don't make me ask again.
Okay, okay, I'm not
looking for trouble.
Eh, but mark my words.
Eh, I'm coming
back for my woman.
Oh, Sam,
you stood up for me.
Nobody's ever done
that for me before.
Oh.
Sam, I'm aghast.
What?
You of all people?!
Have you no respect
for our blessed union?
Oh, come on, Nick.
There's nothing going on here.
I'm not interested in Loretta.
Uh, I got one thing
to say to you, Sam.
Two can play the same game.
You took my woman...
I'm gonna take yours.
Me?
You're taking me?
The only thing you
should be taking
is penicillin.
This is great.
Nick is gonna cast
a love spell on Miss
Goody Two Shoes,
and I get to watch.
Actually, I'm not gonna make
my romantic approach tonight.
It's getting too late for that.
Ah, yes, goodness...
look at the time.
Time.
Time to lay back.
Time to forget your inhibitions.
This is diabolical.
From this day forward,
there will be nobody
for you but me.
You will fall hopelessly in love
and follow me to
the ends of the earth.
Oh, yeah... and
bring a six-pack.
God, the man is insane to think
that anyone would be
gullible enough to fall
for that idiotic nonsense.
♪ Mr. Sandman,
bring me a dream. ♪
Thank you, thank you.
You've been a
wonderful audience.
Expecting someone, Diane?
No, not really.
Sure you are.
He's out there somewhere.
Waiting.
I've heard so much
about Nick Tortelli's magic,
but it's been a week,
and I haven't seen
any evidence of it.
Don't you see what he's doing?
It's all part of his plan.
You know, like
when the drums stop
in a jungle movie?
You sit and wonder...
what are the natives doing?
And then you start to sweat.
He's a genius.
Woody, I refuse
to continue playing
if every time you take
one of my pieces, you go...
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane;
I thought it added
a little bit of
excitement to the game.
Well, it doesn't!
Okay, Woody.
You know, I think it's
time we took off the gloves.
I have allowed you
to defeat me several times
because I was going easy on you,
so as not to crush
your natural enthusiasm.
But I think it's time
you took a giant
step toward maturity.
There are a great many
lessons to be learned in defeat.
Chief among them is
how to lose gracefully.
Checkmate.
You missed my king.
Dr. Crane!
Good night, Loretta.
Thanks, Sam. Mm-hmm.
Never again does
she sing in this bar.
Yes, dear.
You know, Sammy,
I know you kind of like Diane.
But you're gonna
have to face it.
She's his now.
Oh, come on, will you stop it?
I mean, Nick and Diane...
They don't even belong
on the same planet.
The guy doesn't have
any table manners.
I mean, he thinks he's
God's gift to women.
And when was the last time
he even picked up a book?
How's that different
from you, Sam?
All right, there's
a big difference...
there's a big difference
between thinking you're
God's gift and knowing it.
You know, Sammy, I, uh,
think Nick is getting to you.
Why? You think I'm
worried about this?
Are you kidding?
Uh-huh, well, look at this.
You added these
receipts all wrong.
I did not. Then you're saying
we took in $32 million tonight?
Well, there was that party of
ten in the corner table there.
Yeah. I'm gonna go add
these on the machine, okay?
Yeah, maybe you better.
Uh...
Diane, I'm going to go home now
and watch the, uh, last
half of the Celtics game.
All right?
Okay, Sam.
See you in the morning.
Okay. I'll be dreaming of you.
I'll be dreaming of me, too.
Closing!
Good evening, Miss Chambers.
Nick, you had better
be here to tell me
that you've given up
your quest to win my favor.
Please, Miss Chambers,
this is for you and
you alone, my sweet.
God, you've got to be kidding!
In matters of amore,
Nick Tortelli never kids.
Sit.
I am not a dog.
Of course you're not.
You think I'd spend this
kinda dough on an ug-o?
Now, come on.
We have a night of
magic ahead of us.
Let us commence.
Nick, there will be no
dinner, no magic, no us.
You and I have to talk.
Now, please, sit down.
Okay.
Nick... will you give up on me?
You and I are an impossibility.
The only thing you instill
in me is the desire to flee.
And then to be de-flea'd.
I'm sensing that, uh, we're not
gonna hit the sheets together.
That is correct.
Save it!
Why are you wasting
your time on this?
Loretta's the woman for you.
She's spending all
of her time with Sam.
Women can't get their
eyes off of that guy.
I guess, in his own
way, he's good-looking.
Oh, Nick, you're every bit
as... mistaken as you can be.
Sam and Loretta are not an item.
Sam is mine.
So, why don't you
do something decent for once
and go back and make
your marriage work?
Get up, get up, get up!
What's going on here?
Surprise!
I just came because I
forgot my... my charts.
Is this all for me?
Of course it's for you.
It's my attempt to win
you back into my heart.
Isn't that right, Miss Chambers?
Oh, yes, yes.
He's really a sweet
guy, isn't he, Loretta?
He sure is.
Yeah. If he
weren't already taken,
I'd snap him up for myself.
Well, I'll leave you
two lovebirds alone.
I'm just going in the
back to freshen up.
I'll be out of here in
just a few minutes.
I really like that Debbie.
Uh... Loretta, if I have
caused you, uh, any heartache,
I want to say I'm sorry.
But I really do love you,
and I know you love me,
and it's crazy for us
not to be together.
You're the only
woman on Earth for me.
How come the cake
says "Nick and Diane"?
Excuse me?
How come the cake
says "Nick and Diane"?
You know what a
lousy speller I am.
Oh, right.
But, wait, that's pretty bad.
This wasn't for
me after all, was it?
This was for some
girl named Diane!
No!
It's no use.
We're through forever.
If you ever need a singer,
I'm available for any gig.
Cut it!
Nick.
Carla!
What's all this?
This is for you, my sweet.
All this is for me?
Yeah. And if this
is not an attempt
at reconciliation,
uh, I don't know what is.
This is.
You don't believe me?
Whose lipstick is on the glass?
What? I'm gonna have
the caterer flogged.
Right, Nick.
I hope you guys got
your money up front.
Nick?
Diane. Diane, look
how fate once again
has brought us
together this evening.
Uh, excuse me if I
don't get up for you.
Where's Loretta?
Uh, I don't know.
She, uh, she got up
and ran out on me.
Uh, apparently, she
didn't like the cake.
Nick, do yourself a favor.
Get up out of that chair,
march out that door...
Do you mind?
March out that door,
find your wife, take
her in your arms,
sweep her up off her
feet, and tell her that
"if our hearts cannot
be as one for all eternity,
life will have
lost all meaning."
Okay, I'll do that.
That's it, boys.
You're off the clock.
Find your own ways home.
Loretta!
Did I miss something here?
Men. They are so stupid.
What are you
doing here?
Oh, well, I thought it
was more important
for me to be here with you
than watching some
silly old basketball game.
Your TV's broken? Yeah.
This whole thing is
so sad, really very sad.
Oh, that's all right.
It's under warranty.
It'll be okay.
No, I'm talking about life.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
How a good woman can make
all the difference in the world,
and yet men are constantly
letting them slip away.
Mm...
I hope you don't let
that happen to you
and a certain
flaxen-haired beauty
in your life.
Don't worry.
I won't.