Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Proposal - full transcript

The woman at the other end of Sam's marriage proposal over the telephone is Diane. Although overwhelmed by the proposal, she was neither expecting it or wanting it to be the way to which she is proposed. So Sam makes a date with her for the following night, preparing her to be swept off her feet. Asking the gang for advice about a romantic place to pop the question without telling them that he is actually proposing, Sam decides to do it on a sailboat anchored offshore. Can Carla and Frasier figure out that what Sam is about to do is both their worst nightmares? On the sailboat, everything is perfect, and Sam pops the question. Diane surprisingly responds no on the slight possibility that she is only a rebound from Janet. A quietly furious Sam takes what he considers an appropriate action in light of Diane turning him down. The day after, Diane, who now sees the error in saying no, decides to surprise Sam with a romantic gesture of her own, which has an unintended consequence. Ultimately Diane says yes to Sam's original proposal, which Sam says is no longer on the table. Diane is sure that Sam will change his mind, Sam adamant that he won't. Only time will tell who's right.

CARLA: Hey, Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hi, it's me.

Li-listen, I've, uh...

I've been thinking
about you and...

Oh, what the hell.

Will you marry me?

Sam?

SAM: Well,

who else do you think it'd be?

Sam, if this is
some kind of a joke...

SAM: No, I'm serious.



Will you marry me?

Oh!

Oh, my God.

I'm... I'm stunned.

I mean, it's-it's not like

I never expected to
hear this from you.

It's just that

one is...

is never quite prepared
for the question.

Oh, Sam, I'm touched. I...

( Diane laughs)

All... All at once, I...

I'm-I'm feeling giddiness,

fear, euphoria, relief.



I-I don't know what to say.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm not listening anymore.

Sam, I-I-I...

I can't answer you now.

Not like this.

Every woman

wants her proposal to be...

enchanting,

something she can
remember for the rest of her life.

Find something like that.

Keeping in mind I don't
care for sports arenas,

theme parks or miniature golf.

All right, young
lady, you just prepare

to be swept off your
feet tomorrow night.

I already have been.

Bon soir, mon coeur.

R-Right, right.

Ugh.

I'll get another one.

( piano plays)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Good afternoon, everybody.

ALL: Norm.

Hey, Mr. Peterson.

What's the story?

Boy meets beer.

Boy drinks beer.

Boy gets another beer.

Uh,

boy, have I got an
evening cooked up for us.

Yeah? thanks for
thinking of me, Cliffy,

but, uh, I think I better
get home early today.

What?

Yeah, Vera's getting
home from Springfield,

and I thought a
special elegant meal

would be the proper way to
welcome her home, you know.

How thoughtful, Norm.

Say, what's on the menu?

Yeah, whatever she
feels like whipping up

after a five-hour bus trip.

Oh.

SAM: Hey Woody,

didn't you say
you'd been to this,

uh, Le Petit Orange Restaurant?

Yeah. CLIFF: Hey, Woody,

you been to that,
uh, fancy joint, eh?

Yeah, a couple of times. Yeah?

Yeah, well, how was it?
Did they treat you well?

I didn't eat there.

I just went in to
use the men's room.

Well, the-the restaurant
part... Did it look like a...

a nice romantic
place to take a lady?

Well, who could tell, Sam?

It's real dark in there,

and they got this guy

running around playing a violin.

SAM: Oh, no.

I bet they got those
pictures of those guys

that are half men,
half horse, too, right?

I'm glad you said that, Sam.

I thought I was seeing things.

I've been racking
my brains all day

trying to find a place

that's out of the ordinary

and classy for dinner tonight.

How about a nude barbecue?

No. It's kind of dangerous
with all those sparks.

Oh, right.

Uh, well, what's the
occasion there, Stretch?

Well, let's just...

Let's just say it's
a special evening

for a special lady.

Ooh! Get out your
scorecards, boys.

Sounds like Sammy's
back in action.

Yeah! Yeah!

FRASIER: I, uh,
take it this means

you've terminated

your relationship with
Councilor Eldridge.

Ooh, yeah, in-in the dumper.

CLIFF: Well, gentlemen,

in memory of the
Councilor, may I suggest

we lower our cocktail
napkins to half mast, huh?

Yes, let's not forget the
traditional 21-peanut salute.

Oh, no.

Sammy, another
round for the back?

Yeah, but I want to know
who's the lucky lady tonight.

CLIFF: Yeah, come on, Sammy.

You'll-You'll find
out soon enough.

Just come on, help
me think of a place here.

Well, all right, Sam,
I-I got something

that might be just
the ticket for you.

How about this?

A sailboat anchored offshore,

you know, chilled champagne,

candlelit dinner

underneath the stars, huh?

Worked great for
Sean and Madonna.

Where do you hear
all this stupid stuff?

Let's just say

inquiring minds
want to know, huh.

A sailboat. That's a good idea.

Maybe I'll call and
see if I can rent one.

Hey, Sam,

I just remembered
something that might help you.

What's that?

Now my Uncle Wade was a master

at putting women
in a romantic mood.

Well, what-what'd he do?

Gave 'em money.

Worked like a charm.

Uh, thank you, Woody,

but I'm looking for a place

to take someone,
a-a very special place.

As a matter of fact, come here.

Can you keep a secret?

Can I keep a secret?

You still don't know
Carla leaves early

on your night off, do you?

Good, good.

Listen, I'm only
telling you this

because I-I like you,
and I... and I trust you.

I'm thinking about proposing.

Oh, well, Sam,
I'm flattered, but...

You probably don't mean me, huh?

We'll talk later.

Boy, oh, boy, I wouldn't
mind being a barnacle

on the rudder of Sam's
sailboat, if you know what I mean.

I'm sure you'd
be better-looking,

but would you be happier?

Ooh.

NORM: Woody, are
you in pain, buddy?

No, I was just thinking.

Yeah, well, the first
time's always the worst.

Who do you think Sam's
gonna propose to tonight?

What're you babbling
about, Billy Bob Joe Jim?

Well, Sam said

he was gonna propose to someone.

FRASIER: That's odd.

He said he broke up
with Councilor Eldridge.

Who could he possibly be
talking about proposing to?

( Frasier and Carla scream)

You've chosen the
most beautiful spot

in which to anchor.

Everything's absolutely perfect.

This is the most wonderful
idea any man ever came up with.

( chuckles)

Who came up with it?

Come on, give me some credit.

I have an original
thought now and then.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Was it Frasier?

Actually, it was Cliff.

Well, okay then, don't tell me.

( giggles)

Right now I'm having a
rather unoriginal thought.

Are you as happy as I?

Oh, yeah.

I just wish I could
get this song

out of my head.

Song?

Yeah. You-You know how

sometimes you
connect certain places

and things with certain songs?

Oh, I know exactly
what you mean.

Thank you.

This may sound
a bit pretentious,

but every time I'm in a taxi,

I can't help but hum "Dove
Sono" from Le Nozze Di Figaro

simply because once a
rather zaftig Parisian cabbie

sang the entire aria on a trip

through Montparnasse
to La Coupole.

( laughs)

Anyway, whenever I get
out on the water like this,

I can't help thinking
about this tune.

Uh, Cappy Johnny, the old
sailor who taught me how to sail

used to whistle it all the time.

( whistles "Popeye
the Sailor Man")

"Popeye the Sailor Man?"

You know it?

Oh, yes.

Well, that one haunts me, too.

May I propose a toast?

Indeed you may.

No, no, a, uh, shrimp toast.

A shrimp toast is even better.

Hmm.

To us.

How eloquent.

To us.

( laughs)

Boy, us.

( laughs) Mm.

What a pair, huh?

The important thing is that

this finally seems right.

Yeah.

I'm so happy about us.

I feel so good.

To think I almost let you
get away because of Janet.

Well, you had some crazy
notion you cared about her.

Well, hey, if it
weren't for Janet,

I wouldn't be here right now.

Which reminds
me, I guess I better...

better get to why I came
here in the first place.

Can you, uh, give
me some room here?

Oh, oh, yes, indeed.

Mm. Ha, ha!

( laughs)

You know, for the longest time,

I kept pretending about you.

I guess I was afraid to
really admit my feelings.

But from the very start,

down deep inside,

I have been crazy about you.

Crazier about you

than any other
woman I've ever met.

I mean, hell, I was
crazy about you

even when I hated you.

( laughing)

What I'm trying to say is...

will you marry me?

No.

No?

No.

Are you serious?

I'm afraid I am.

Well...

seems to me you
have two choices.

One, I can throw you in,

or two, you can jump in.

Sam, I warn you...

It's very simple.

One or two. Sam, you haven't...

It's not open for debate, Diane.

Sam, I think after you've
heard my explanation,

you won't...

Sam, throw me a line, please?!

Okay.

What's a nice girl like you
doing in an ocean like this?

Sam!

( dishes banging)

What are you doing?

SAM: The dishes!

( dishes banging)

Sam... calm down.

You're upset.

Only that I fished you out.

I know my answer
was unexpected...

Unexpected. No, no.

Don't be silly.

I brought you out here
so I could be dumped

with a nautical theme.

( grunts)

( glass shattering)

( dishes banging)

Sam... if you'll stop
that for a moment...

if you'll stop that
for a moment,

I'll try and explain...
my answer.

Are you done?

Maybe.

All right, then.

As it happens, I came out
here with every intention

of... accepting your proposal...

but when you
spoke of Janet, I...

had this enormous pang of doubt.

"What if wanting to get married

"is a knee-jerk
reaction to losing her?

Does he want me
or just someone?"

Oh, Sam, I want it so much,

but I have to be free of
doubt before I can say yes.

Sam?

Did you notice that?

Notice what?

Everything just got calm.

I don't notice any difference.

Oh, yes, yes.

There's a difference
in everything.

The whole world
just changed for me.

Oh!

Look!

The stars are new.

The moon is new.

Sam Malone is
new, and I like him.

And I like them,
and they like me.

And none of us like you.

Am I going overboard again?

No, no, no, don't be silly.

That would mean
I care, and I don't.

Bye-bye, Diane.

Where are you going?

I'm going to swim ashore.

You can't do that.

Very well... I'll
take the dinghy.

You... See how quickly
the new Sam adjusts?

You're going to just leave
me out here all alone?

Yes, I am.

Sam. Sam Malone.

If you leave me
out here all alone,

you are the most
despicable creature on Earth!

Well, I yam what I yam,
and that's all what I yam.

( whistling "Popeye
the Sailor Man")

Hello, Mr. Clavin.

Hey, Woodrow. Uh,
suds du jour, please.

Oh, there he is!

Normie, eh!

So, uh, Vera get home from
Springfield last night, huh?

Yep. Yeah, yeah?

So, uh, how'd it go?

Well, I'll tell you, Cliff,

it got pretty hot in
our bedroom last night.

CLIFF: Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, yeah? Air
conditioning broke down.

EVERYONE: Hey, hey!

The lucky fella.

Let me get this over with.

Uh, I asked her. She
said no. End of bulletin.

CARLA: Sorry, Sam.

I feel like dirt.

I'm fine, everybody.

I just don't want to
talk about it, that's all.

Can I talk to you
just for a minute?

Sure, Sam. What
can I do you for?

Well...

I'm kind of worried
that Diane may get hurt.

My God, Sam, that
is very noble of you.

No, I-I mean that I...

I had a dream last
night that I killed her...

and-and-and-and
it felt really good.

Does this mean
I'm-I'm crazy or...?

No, no, of course not.

It's very normal for
most sane people

to entertain insane
impulses sometimes,

and it's very natural to
want to hurt someone

that's rejected you.

Well, for example...

Well, there's me.

But I can't tell you
how many times I felt

my own hands
around her windpipe...

strangling her...

fingers tightening...

cartilage snapping!

And, uh, I'm a
respected psychiatrist.

Look, Sam, you've been
through an emotional meat grinder.

My best advice
to you is get away,

relax... reflect on
what's happened.

You know, I still have the
boat rented for a couple of days.

I guess I could sail
up to Marblehead.

Great. Cool it out there.

Thank you. You know,
maybe I'll work on the old tan.

Terrific. It'll be just what
the doctor ordered, Sam:

sun, salt air, ocean
spray in your face.

I know I-I wish I
could come with you.

Well, I wish I could ask.

I understand.

Ooh, boy, how 'bout
that Diane, huh?

Eh, just like all women.

If they're not turnin' down
your proposal of marriage,

they're... they're accusin'
you of suspicious behavior

in the lingerie changin' room.

Oh, uh, hello, Diane.

Norman.

Excuse me, miss,

aren't you confusing
this bar with the one

where everyone isn't
repulsed by your presence?

Oh, Frasier, please
tell me where Sam is.

I have to talk with him.

Diane... in light of your
disposal of him last night,

I think it's better that he
be left alone right now.

That poor man.

Can you imagine
how he must feel?

Gee, I'll try.

Of course. I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm
so distraught.

I fear I've made
a terrible mistake.

Sam's instincts were
superior to my own.

He was right, and I was wrong.

I should've said yes.

You're running back to him?

If he'll have me. I...

Oh... my neck is so stiff
from that water last night.

Would you give me one
of your special massages?

Please? Please, please, please?

Certainly. Thank you.

I was such a fool out
in that boat last night.

( sighs)

When I told him no,

I was listening to my
head and not my heart.

I should've known.

Sam and I are inevitable.

Why fight it?

Why fight it?

Why fight it?

Frasier...

You don't mind me talking to you

about this, do you?

No, no, no, no.

Uh, I'm happy for
you. Feels better.

Thank you. Good, good.

No, I'm-I'm really
happy for you.

Uh, Diane, I think it's
wise to go to him now.

Yes. Uh, right-right now.

Yes, yes, right... Where is he?

Oh, uh...

( laughing): He, uh,
he, uh, took the boat

to Marblehead. Oh,
thank you, Frasier.

I'll wait till tonight and
motor out to the boat.

Yes. Oh, this is perfect.

Sam will already be
asleep, and I'll slip into bed

beside him and give
him the surprise of his life.

Eh, uh, Diane?

Sam's nose is, uh, pushed

out of joint, and I think
you better let him cool down.

Oh, don't be silly. He proposed.

You can't turn off
emotions like a spigot.

Besides, making
up has always been

the cornerstone
of our relationship.

You know, that's...

that's what I always loved
about the two of you, Diane.

That's-that's beautiful, really.

You and Sam are magic.

I should've killed her
while I had the chance.

Hey, everybody.

Sam!

Thought you were
on the high seas.

Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

I decided the best way
to forget about Diane

was to start dating some babes

long on legs and
short on syllables.

Sounds like a good plan, too.

Besides, I ran into
an old friend of mine,

Monsignor Demarest.

He needed to relax a little bit,

so I sent him out to
Marblehead on the boat.

Oh, my God!

What?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Oh.

( engine shuts off)

Thanks for the lift.

( engine starts)

( Diane and man screaming)

Yes!

Yes, what?

Yes, I will marry you.

Oh, oh, I see what's
happening here.

You-you're still
under the assumption

that that offer is still valid.

No, no, no, no.

The-the statute of limitations
on that proposal ran out

the second your
feet hit the water.

In that case, may I
suggest you propose again?

I assure you this time, I
will accept your proposal.

Fine. I propose that you
step in front of a speeding bus.

( all laughing)

You know, and I...

from now on, I'm
dedicating myself to life,

liberty and the
pursuit of every woman

in Boston except that one,

so, to celebrate,

drinks are on the house.
Come on, everybody!

( all cheering)

Wh-What do you
think you're doing?

I'm going to work.

I'll probably stop working
when we get married,

but I need a little
money for my trousseau.

Who knows when the first
little Malone will come along?

Yeah, how do I say this clearly
enough to register with you?

I'm buying everybody a
drink in this bar to seal the fact

that you and I are
through forever.

Oh, come on, Sam, come on.

Nobody believes that.

Well, go ahead. Ask them.

Yeah, all right, I will.

Hey, turn around
here for a minute, guys.

Now, after
everything I just said,

do you think that Diane and I

will ever get back
together again?

Could I have my
drink before I answer?