Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 26 - Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Sending another recorded message

home to the folks, woods?

Yeah. It's a lot cheaper
than a phone call.

Hmm.

Hi, folks.

This is your son Woody... Boyd.

Um...

But enough about me.
You know, things have been

getting really crazy
around cheers lately.

Remember I told you
that Sam was going out



with this real pretty politician
lady named Janet eldridge?

Well, things are still
going hot and heavy.

Oh, miss chambers quit.

I think the stuff between
Sam and miss eldridge

finally got to her.

Anyway, she said she's never
coming back in here again.

Gee, I'm gonna miss her.

Well, uh, that's it. Bye.

Let's hear how it sounds.

Winston Churchill: We shall
fight on the seas and oceans.

We shall fight with
growing confidence

and growing strength in the air.

You know, I guess it's true.

You listen to the
sound of your own voice,



it always sounds different.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

How you feeling
today, Mr. Peterson?

Pour.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

No. I meant pour.

Uh... trouble in paradise, norm?

No. At home,
cliffie. I just put Vera

on the train to Springfield.

I have to spend
the next few days

at home alone
with her oversexed,

exhibitionist sister Donna.

Hey, norm, maybe
she's an innocent kid,

and you misinterpret
her friendliness.

Maybe you're
right. You tell me...

Is it normal for a girl to get
dressed on the front lawn?

Hey, hey, hey.

Didn't you see the sign outside?

We reserve the
right to refuse service

to skinny ex-waitresses
with bad dye jobs.

Carla, couldn't we make
an exception just this once?

Thanks, Woody, but I'm
not here for the potables.

I'm here to see Sam.

Oh. He should be
down in a few minutes.

He's upstairs at melville's
with miss eldridge.

She's telling him what
to say and what not to say

at the press conference today.

Oh. There's a press conference?

Yeah, and it's gonna
be right here in the bar.

Well, that's quite unorthodox.

No. I think it's
open to all faiths.

I'll have a seltzer, please.

Hey, uh, whitey...

Hmm?

Ahem. About that
dye job crack...

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I don't think I've ever
heard you say that before.

Thanks, Woody.

Yeah, I know. Um...

But... I figure it's about time.

I mean, now that you're
Boston's number-one loser,

I'm feeling... Feeling
kind of different about you.

I'm flattered.

In fact, um...

I want to apologize for
all the crummy things

I've said to you over the years.

Whew!

Why, thank you, Carla.

Except for that one
about your lizard lips.

I like that one.

Exception noted.

And, um, um... You know the one

about you having a personality
you could store meat in.

I'd like to keep
that one alive, too.

This is so like you...

Covering up what are obviously

some very fine, warm feelings.

But I happen to know
what you're really saying

is you like me.

You're touching me.

It's called communication.

No. It's called a death wish.

Hey, Diane, I understand

you're hitting the bricks

in unemployment
city, along with normie.

Oh, actually, I've
found other employment.

Oh, yeah? See that, norm?

What's the job
that you've landed?

Well, uh, it's only temporary

until I hear about
this other job.

In fact, it's so temporary,

I don't even bother
to take my coat off

when I'm there, if
you get my point.

[Quietly] I'm a checkout
clerk at Hurley's market.

What?

A checkout clerk
at Hurley's market.

Are you deaf?

Hey, Diane, that's where I shop.

Next time I
come in, I'll say hi.

If you don't, I'll be angry.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to make a call
about that other job.

I'm sure Sam won't
mind me using his office.

[Telephone rings]

Cheers.

Oh. Just a minute, please.

It's for you, Mr. Peterson.

Hello.

Oh. Hi, Donna.

Ooh, Donna. Ooh, Donna.

Yeah. Great, great.

I don't know. The
usual time, I guess.

Fine. Yeah. Sounds great.

Ok.

What did she want, norm?

What she wanted was, she
wanted me to come home early.

She's making a
Turkey dinner. All right?

Ohh...

Then she paused and said

there'd be no dressing.

Ooh!

Suppose she
meant the bird or us?

Well, either way,
there's gonna be

some plump, succulent
thighs at that table tonight, huh?

Hi, miss chambers.

Hi, Woody.

I thought you left.

No, no. I'm waiting for Sam.

I have a call to make.

He's up in the restaurant.

I can go get him if you want.

I mean, he's probably
just eating or something.

No. That's ok. Thank you.

I have calls to make.

Actually, Woody, I'm not really
in here to make phone calls.

I came back to apologize to Sam.

I'm...

Loathe to admit that I...

Eavesdropped on a conversation

he had with Janet the other day,

and that's inexcusable.

My conscience was bothering me,

so I came back to confess,

thus allowing me

to close this
chapter in my life.

Okey-dokey.

Woody... woody.

May I ask you a question?

Sure, if you're not
fussy about the answer.

Has Sam ever talked to you about

his feelings toward
miss eldridge?

Well, I heard him say
that he kind of likes her.

But in my opinion,

you and Sam make
a much better couple.

Really?

Yeah.

You're my two favorite
people in the whole world.

Oh, Woody.

Thank you.

Except for my parents.

I know.

And my teachers at school.

No, no. Wait a minute.

I put you ahead of my eighth
grade teacher, Mr. Thorndike.

He had always chalk on his suit,

and he smelled kind of funny.

But I don't want to hurt
Mr. Thorndike's feelings.

So let's just forget
this conversation.

I was planning to, Woody.

Hey, Sam. Sam: Hey, Woody!

Janet: Sam, can we
go into your office?

I need to talk to you
about a personal matter.

Janet: Sam, this is serious.

So is this.

Ha ha ha!

We have this press
conference today.

I want you to know
that it's becoming

increasingly difficult for
me to answer questions

about what our future plans are.

Why?

Because I don't know
what our future plans are.

W-W-What are you saying?

Well, this may sound
a little old-fashioned,

but I guess I'm asking what
your intentions are toward me.

Intentions?

Well, I mean, haven't
you ever thought

about you and
me... Tying the knot?

Come on, now. You told me
you didn't go in for that kinky stuff.

Ok. All right. All right, um...

Well...

The...

You... you see the...

You and I really
have never even...

Talked about... You know...

The word is marriage, Sam.

It won't bite you.

Reporters are bound to ask about
us at the press conference today,

and I don't know what we're
going to tell them, do you?

Well, uh...

Gee, I-I-I don't...
I don't know...

Oh, take it easy, Sam.

What?

I'm not trying to trap you.

Are you kidding? I
don't feel trapped.

Excuse me. Let me just...

I'm not putting any
pressure on you, darling.

I know a man like you just hates

that kind of thing from a woman.

It's just that in my
profession, I have to

take things more seriously
because I'm in the public eye.

It'd be different if I worked

in a supermarket or something.

All I'm saying is that it's
something we have to think about.

We can't go on indefinitely
like we have been.

Not that I have any complaints
about what we have been.

Ok. I'll give it some
thought. I will. I promise.

Good. I'll see you later.

Ok.

Sam?

Yeah, what?

Just wanted to
remind you again...

When are you going to
replace miss chambers?

You haven't put an
ad in the paper yet.

I'll get to it, Woody.

You keep saying that.

Would you stop
bugging me, please?

Ok, Sam.

Sorry.

By the way, uh...

Where is miss chambers?

How should I know where she is?

Give me a break, will you?

She came in here to wait.

She what? Yeah.

Wait on, uh...

Tables, here at cheers...

And you fired her,

and... and you know the rest.

Thank you for the recap, Woody.

Miss chambers?

Uh-huh?

I covered for your
eavesdropping this time,

but you know, I think
you have a real problem.

I think you ought
to get some help.

I will, Woody. I promise.

Do me one favor, will you?

Please just tell me

when Sam steps
into the men's room.

Oh, god, it's worse
than I imagined.

I can't believe this.

Cameras, reporters,
government officials.

And to think, only a
few short months ago,

I was back in Indiana

pumping suds for a bunch bozos.

Hey, goober, how about

pouring us another round?

Coming right up.

Hey, Woody. Give us a
couple of beers, will you?

Where you guys been?

He took me to meet
Donna, the alleged lolita.

Yeah. Maybe she's
not quite as bad

as I made her out to be.

Are you kidding? She's
the sweetest, most innocent

freckle-faced youngster
I ever wanted to meet.

For you to imply that
she was unwholesome

and behaved in a
salacious manner

towards you is unbelievable.

Well, maybe my imagination

is a little over
active, I guess.

Especially if you think that that
young lady is coming on to you.

She's coming on to
me like gangbusters!

You're really kind of a
handy guy to have around.

Just when I think I've
gone off the deep end,

I look over at you,
and there you are,

diving off the
cliffs at acapulco.

Yeah, but looking mucho primo

in my bikini briefs, eh?

Excuse me.

Well, if it isn't Rebecca
of skinnybrook farm.

Shouldn't you be out
collecting shopping carts?

Well, I was in the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd
drop by and unwind.

Sure.

It just happens to be

five minutes before Sam
and Janet's press conference.

Ohh. Is that today?

Mercy.

Well, I'm a concerned citizen.

Perhaps I'll just stick around
and see what happens.

I think we're ready now.

Well, Sam, we're on.

Wait a minute.

I don't know about this tie.

Come on. When have you
ever not looked fabulous?

Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Shows you how nervous I am, huh?

You'll be just fine.

Yeah, thanks.

Good day, ladies and gentlemen.

We hold so many of
our press conferences

in my stuffy old office,

I thought it would be
nice to show you reporters

what the inside
of a bar looks like.

There won't be any
opening statement today.

I'll just take your questions.

Councilor eldridge,
what is your priority

in your next two
years of office?

You must be new in town.

Mass transit. I'm going
to see to it that Boston has

the finest system
in this country,

or die trying.

Councilor, in view of

your reelection to city council,

I'd like to pose a question

that I'm sure is on
everybody's mind here today.

How do you think the Red Sox

are going to do this season?

Why don't I turn this over
to my special consultant

on this issue, mayday Malone.

[Applause]

Whether the Red
Sox do well or not

is not the point.

I think they're going to bring

a lot of money into this city,

and that can do nothing
but help the tax base

of our fair city.

In laymen's terms, the sox
are gonna clean up this year.

I have a question.

What... what are...

Excuse me. What
paper do you represent?

Hurley's market shoppers guide.

I'm afraid this is for
newspaper reporters only.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
this was america.

No, no, Phil. It's ok.

Hello again, miss chambers.

Hello, and thank you.

On the less political side,

there seems to be a lot of
interest in the two of you.

Mr. Malone, would
you care to comment

on your plans for the future?

Yeah. I thought
we'd grab a pizza,

then try to catch a
movie on the tube later on.

How delightful, but let
me be a little more specific.

The hottest topic in
town is whether or not

there are wedding bells
in Sam and Janet's future.

Can you confirm or
deny these rumors?

Why don't you give us a scoop?

I'm sure there are
more important issues

to be discussed in
this forum that that.

What do you have to say about
this marriage business, Sam?

Uh, well... Gee,
I-I-I don't know...

Gentlemen, I really don't think
this is the time or the place for...

No, wait. Actually, I'll...

I will handle this.

Sweetheart.

Fellas, I think that

we're jumping the
gun a little bit here.

We've only known each
other about four months.

By my calculations,
it's only six weeks.

Whatever.

Perhaps it just seems longer.

Next question, please.

Councilor, do you
agree with Mr. Malone

that the relationship
seems to dragging on?

Oh, just... please!

I know what you're
trying to do here, Diane!

I mean, how dumb
do you think I am?

I believe we're supposed
to ask the questions.

Janet, how dumb
do you think Sam is?

Phil: Could we please
confine our questions

to matters of public
interest, please?

Councilor, how do
you plan to alleviate

the overnight parking problem?

The over night parking
problem, unfortunately,

cannot be solved overnight.

I have, however,
persuaded the city council

to hasten the formation
of a fact-finding committee

for the purpose of
looking into selecting sites.

Of course, there are
problems to contend with,

such as environmental
impact studies...

All right, that's it!

Did you see that?
She just squirted me!

She has a little
yellow squirt gun!

Sam, will you stop this!

I'm all right. I'll stop it. Ok.

Yeah. I'm going to escort this
woman out of my bar forever.

Very well.

I'll leave.

And I never want to see
your fat ugly face again.

You're about to
see my fat ugly fist.

I'm shaking in my boots.

Hey, no! Wait, wait!

Ow!

Going up!

Ooh!

Um... I believe the gentleman

from the globe had
a... Had a question.

Well, I certainly have to
hand it to you, Sammy.

You throw one hell
of a press conference.

Yeah.

I haven't seen
such an ugly scene

since my kid's school picture.

I just got off the phone
with the last newspaper.

I'm not sure how much
damage was done.

What did you say?

I told them you took
some sinus medication

and had an allergic reaction.

They buy it?

Not unless there's
something else

you can put in a crock.

Aw, come on. I know it was

a bit unpleasant
earlier tonight,

but, I mean, when
you look back on it,

you can't help but laugh.

Unless you try really hard.

Oh, come on.
There's a grin in there.

Come on. Now
that'll turn into a smile.

All right. There you go.

Come in. I'm sorry.

How the hell did I
ever get into this mess?

I'm crazy about a guy

who's the worst thing
in the world for me.

We can't go on like this, Sam.

You have no
regard for my career,

and what's worse, you
have no regard for me.

You lied when you said
you had no feelings for Diane.

You obviously have very
strong feelings for her.

Come on, please. That, that...

Sam, face it.

You're trying to leave
every option open,

and you just can't do that.

You have to make some choices...

And some commitments.

It's called growing up.

Boy, looks like Sammy
got his walking papers.

I know how he feels.

Yeah. I think we've all
been there before, Woody.

It's never happened to me,

so I guess I'll just
have to imagine it.

Cliffie, I think you actually
have to go with someone

before you can get dumped.

Good night. Good night.

See you guys
later. Drive carefully.

Why don't we do this tomorrow?

Let's go home.

No argument here. I'm beat.

Well, Sam, you had
a rough day today.

You lost two great
gals in one day.

Two?

I always thought that

someday miss chambers
would be Mrs. Malone.

That's crazy, huh?

Woody, there are more
where they came from.

I'm glad you said that
because there's this girl

in my building I
wish you could meet.

She's really cute,

she's got a great personality,

she's really fun to be with,

and she has got
a gorgeous figure.

And if I were a young,
single guy in this town...

See you tomorrow, Sam.

You ok?

I don't know, Carla.

I think I screwed
up my life here.

I mean, look at
me. I'm pushing 40,

and what have I
got to show for it?

Maybe it's time I
settled down, huh?

Maybe the time's right
for mayday to get married.

The answer is yes.

You didn't ask a
question, did you?

Listen, Sam, when the right
dame comes along, you'll know it.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I think she did,
and I let her go.

No. She didn't come along yet.

Casabas are your destiny, Sam.

Hold out.

Good night.

Good night.

Hi. It's, uh... It's me. Look...

I've been thinking about you...

Oh, what the hell.
Will you marry me?