Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 23 - Relief Bartender - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

You go all over town...

There ought to be a law...

Bunch of meatheads...

So it's true. He
keeps on talking

even when people aren't there.

Yes, but if no one's
there to hear it,

does he really make a sound?

Cliffie, is it worth my
asking what the problem is?

Yeah, norm. It's
my transmission.

Spend day after day taking
it to garages all over town.



Nobody can fix it.

Here we go, cliffie.

Pearson's garage.

Braintree.

They can fix
anything. All right?

Yeah. Thank you
very much, normie.

Um... you know, my
toaster's on the blink.

You think they could fix it?

Well, only if you
got one in your car.

See, they're auto
mechanics, Woody.

Oh, great. It's in the
back seat right now.

All right. Take it easy, norm.

The kid's good, but
you can take him.

I have to select my words...



Rather carefully here.

Woody, uh...

They can fix only those things

that originally
came with the car

when you bought it.

As far as I know, cars
don't come with toasters.

Mine did.

It was part of a
promotional campaign.

If I'd have bought
a convertible,

I'd have got a food processor.

Ask for Luis.

He doesn't speak English.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Uh, Woody, uh... Whiskey, neat.

Frasier, what are
you doing here?

I thought you
had a date tonight.

I did, but when I showed up,

she was in the
middle of a shower.

Well, couldn't you wait?

It was her bridal shower.

Next time I make a date
two months in advance,

I'll call to confirm.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Hey, Sam. How
were the mountains?

It rained all weekend.

Sam, you forgot this.

Oh, yeah, right.

In other words, it
was great. Whoo!

Ah!

Hey, Diane. How you doing there?

How am I doing?

Did you ask me how I'm doing?

No, not me. That was Woody.

He's a ventriloquist.

What's the matter?

Last week...

Yeah.

We were at passion's portal...

Standing on the threshold

of a new and excitingly
textured relationship.

We were about to open the door

on a brand-new beginning for us.

Well, I knocked at the door,

but nobody was home,

so I went to the mountains
with the girl next door.

I see. Apparently,
last week meant

more to me than it did to you.

Oh, come on! What
are you doing here?

Are you saying that even though

we're not really going together,

you want me not to
date anybody else.

It's not what I want, Sam.

It's what you want
that's important.

Well, good, because
what I wanted do do

was go to the
mountains with Andrea.

Very well. Let's just
forget the whole thing.

Oh, come on!

Diane, it was just physical.

That stuff doesn't
mean anything to me.

Don't you see what
I'm doing here?

I'm just honing my skills
for that magical night

that you and I hit
the sheets running.

Sam, you and I will couple

when 1,000 ice ages
have come and gone.

All right. How soon do we
get to play touchy-feely?

Oh, lighten up, will you?

Good evening, citizens.

You look a little beat, buddy.

Been saying up late watching

those adult movies
on cable again?

Ma put a lock on that channel.

Ehh...

It's my paper boy, normie.

He's hitting every
place but the front porch.

So I got a little
plan worked out.

Now, get this. 4:30
tomorrow morning, in the A.M.,

I'm gonna put on the
old camouflage jacket,

stick a couple of
branches behind my ears,

and duck into the
rhododendron bush.

He's smart, but I'm
a little bit smarter.

You talking about the kid
or the rhododendron bush?

I want to see all my employees

in my office immediately.

Cheers staff, this means you.

In the office, on the double.

Hey, come on. You heard me.

We didn't hear the magic word.

Oh, uh, please.

That's not it.

Come on, Carla.
What's the magic word?

Money. We all want a dollar.

Ok, ok. All right.

Come on, come on. Here you go.

Here's one for you. Here you go.

One for you.

One for you.

Wait, whoa. What
are you trying to do,

beat me out of a buck here?

Sammy, I'm here out of
a fierce sense of loyalty

as your accountant, pal.

The dollar is your little
way of saying thank you.

Well, thank you for coming.

I want you all to take a
look at this in the newspaper.

It got me going here.

"Grown man lives
in refrigerator."

No, no. Not that part.

Let me see that.

Oh, my god. Look at that.

He's got a TV in there. Ha ha!

Sam, what is this about?

Oh. Yeah. All right.

Uh... yeah.

Column three.
Down at the bottom.

"Don Talbot's locker
room grand opening."

Yeah. Not only that, Don
has got two other pubs

opening the same time.

He's doing fantastic
business here.

What's this got to do with

the guy in the refrigerator?

Nothing, Woody. Nothing.

This has to do with me.
This has to do with my life.

I mean, Don was
up with the Red Sox

for a cup of coffee,
for goodness' sake.

I was there five years, and
now this clown is a celebrity,

and I'm paying my
employees to come talk to me.

Carla: You're gonna
be paying us a lot more

unless this conversation
starts getting exciting.

Fair enough. I
brought you in here

because I want to
ask you a question.

What is cheers missing?

A mechanical bull.

Woody, that was one of
those questions you ask

when you don't
really want an answer.

Oh, you mean rhetorical.

Yeah, rhetorical. Right.

Anyway, what I'm
going to do here

is I am gonna come
out from behind the bar.

I am gonna become

a full-time manager/host.

A what?

Manager/host.

I'll greet people. It's perfect.

I mean, let's face it.

I'm recognized on the street.

So is a fire hydrant.

At the same time,

I'll be able to hustle
up some more business.

I'll be able to
handle the publicity,

the quality control,
handling bookings.

I mean, it's great.

What do you think?

Is that another
rhetorical question?

Well, yeah, it is,
Woody, actually,

because we're gonna do it.

We're gonna start immediately.

Does that mean you won't
be bartending anymore?

I'm glad you asked that.

Now that I've moved
up to management,

we're gonna have an
opening behind the bar,

and we're gonna need to fill it.

Wait a minute. There was
a guy in here the other day.

He had an application
that was fantastic.

Hey, hey, now, wait. Time
out. Time out, Sammy.

Does this mean that you're going to
be hiring another full-time bartender?

Yeah.

I have to advise you
I think that's unwise.

You sure?

I'd stake my career on it.

You're unemployed.

All right. I'll stake
your career on it.

You really can't afford yourself

as a full-time host/manager.

No, see, that's
the beauty of it.

As manager, I'll be
thinking up new schemes

to bring in more business,

but I'll be so darn
charming as the host

that people will start
bringing in more friends.

It's perfect. I'll be
thinking and charming

all at the same time.

Add chewing gum,
and we can sell tickets.

Sammy, I'm skeptical,

but more importantly,
I'm thirsty, so...

Go ahead. Yeah.

Ken, don't forget

to run a handkerchief
over those shoes.

Mr. Malone,
they're tennis shoes.

Don't spend too
long on them, then.

What's with the spread, Sam?

Well, I really topped
myself tonight.

I booked a party in here.

The fraternal
order of the caribou

is sending a group over.

Great. A group of loud-mouthed,

rowdy conventioneers
drinking like fish,

swearing like sailors,

and putting their
paws all over us.

Yeah. Happy birthday to me!

How many are coming?

I don't know. They said
they were sending over

a whole herd, so I guess
we're gonna be swamped here.

I just hope we have enough food.

What do you think? Yeah?

Yeah. It'll be all right.

Ah! Welcome.

I'm Sam Malone,

your host and owner of cheers.

You may remember
me as mayday Malone,

the relief pitcher
for the Red Sox?

Anyway, I just want you to know

that the autographs are free,

but the drinks are
gonna cost you.

Make him go away, Neil.

Well, uh, welcome.

Carla, couple of tables over
here you may want to get to.

Gee, wait on tables.

Is that what a waitress
is supposed to do?

Thanks for the tip, Sam.

Diane, we need a
mop over here, please.

I'll buy the bullets if
you'll pull the trigger.

Shooting is too quick.

I want him to suffer.

Why don't you date him again?

Get it in gear, girls.

We got new customers coming in.

Not if you greet them.

What, what? What?

Sam, this isn't working.

We've done this for a
week, and I haven't seen

any more customers than there
were before you took over as host.

In fact, there are less,

and you haven't come up with
one good idea to increase business.

Tonight's different.

I booked a whole
lodge into this place.

I mean, tonight we're
making cheers history here.

A little of the old Malone magic

is beginning to spread.

I could use some
of that in my flowers.

Uh...

Well, Woody,

looks like the new
man behind the bar

is working out pretty well, huh?

Woody: Oh, yeah, he's doing well

considering the
pressure he's under.

I mean, after all, working
around a man of my experience

is probably a little
bit intimidating.

Oh, good, he seems
to be adjusting.

Excuse me. I'm
looking for Sam Malone.

Yeah. Let go of
me, you little devil.

Yes, I am. I'm...

I'm the manager here.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Fred Anderson, social
director, caribou lodge.

Yeah, right.

You ready for us? You bet I am.

Great, great.

Come on in, guys.

Looks clean.

Gather around,
employees, please.

Now, next couple of
hours is gonna be hell.

You're gonna be running
your little tushies off,

but tonight when you put
your head down on the pillow,

you're gonna
know it was worth it

because tonight is the night

that we put cheers
on the map. Ok.

You guys are the whole lodge?

Yeah. We just got
our charter last week.

You're right, Sam.

We just got on the map.

Cheers. Population...
three caribou, one jackass.

Aren't people like that sad?

Huddled together,

totally lacking confidence

in their own individuality,

and incapable of
an original thought.

As Dr. Bennett ludlow once said,

"I'll speak no thought
but mine own."

All right. I'll admit
that things haven't

turned out exactly
the way I planned,

but it's gonna be ok.

They'll tell their friends,

and their friends
will tell their friends.

Do you have anything else?

I'm allergic to shellfish.

Sammy, I'd face
reality if I were you.

You have three guys in bad suits

and enough food to
cater the crusades.

Next to this, hula night
was a smashing success.

All right. It's ok. I
know things haven't

gone exactly great
up to this point,

but they will, they will.

I'll think of something.

Skimpy outfits
on the waitresses.

That's not bad.

Wait a minute. I don't
want people having

to look at something
I'm ashamed of.

Your got a lovely body.

I'm talking about hers.

See, Sammy, topless waitresses,

it's a scientific fact

they can deliver drinks faster

than their clothed counterparts.

Just forget it, clavin.
This is just your slimy way

of trying to cop a
look at my tooters.

Well, everything seems to
be running smoothly out here.

I think I'll step in my office

and think up some
more ideas here.

I don't want to be disturbed.

Go away, Diane.

Sam, may I speak
to you for a minute?

This situation isn't working.

Your schemes aren't working.

You're driving
Carla and me crazy,

and if you continue this
entrepreneurial bent of yours,

you're going to
bankrupt the bar.

Don't worry about it.
I'll think of something.

I don't know what.

You don't have my brain.

Well, whoever has
it should return it.

You need it right now.

Hey, hey! Leave
me alone, please.

Sam, I'm sorry. It's just
obvious what has to happen here.

You have to go
back behind the bar.

I know, I know. I've
known it for a long time.

Why aren't you doing
anything about it?

Well, because doing
something about it

means I have to fire Ken.

Oh. Right. And he's
such a nice guy, too.

Yeah. Damn it.

All right. I've put
this off long enough.

Go get Ken. I'll
handle this right now,

and I'll do it quickly,
cleanly, and painlessly,

just like a surgeon.

That's it. Just like a surgeon.

Very well. Very well.

He's headed this way.

All right, all right.

I suggest you start
scrubbing up, Dr. Malone.

Sam, you got a minute?

Yeah, Ken.

I'd like you to meet my family.

I just want you
to know that it was

pretty rough going there for
a while for for the four of us.

The five of us.

But thanks to you,
we've turned the corner.

Kids, this is Mr. Sam Malone.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Well, yeah...

Well, this is very nice, Ken,

but, uh, I do
need to talk to you.

Oh. Yeah. Well...

All right. Here you go.

Yes, Mr. Malone?

Ken...

I'm giving you a raise.

That's terrific!

Well, thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Malone.

Come on, honey. I want to
introduce you to the others.

Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.

Come on, children.

We want to stay with uncle Sam.

Is that all right, Sam?

Sure, sure.

Well, quite an
operation, Dr. Malone.

What am I gonna do?

I can't fire Woody.

Well, maybe if he
knew the situation,

he'd want to go.

Why don't you
just explain it to him

and let him draw
his own conclusion?

Maybe he'll volunteer to leave.

He's such a sweet
guy. I'll bet he will.

Oh, boy. He is a sweet guy.

Of course he will.

Sam, you look quite natural

sitting there with a
babe on each knee.

Ah, she's seen babes
on my lap before.

Yes, but these know
how to tie their own shoes.

Good-bye, you
sweet little cherubs.

I don't like her.

Mmm.

Try dating her.

Sam, you wanted to see me?

Yes, I do, Woody.

Say, you know Ken's
two kids here, don't you?

Yeah. I met them before. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Sit down, Woody.

I called you in here because
I got a kind of problem.

Well, I hope I can help.

Well, I hope so, too, Woody.

You know, that scheme of mine

to come out from behind the bar

and be a host/manager

hasn't turned out too well.

Well, that's putting it mildly.

But if it means I'm gonna
get you back behind the bar,

then I can't say I'm sorry.

It does mean that
you're getting me

back behind the bar, Woody.

Uh... but the problem is...

I can't afford three bartenders.

You did meet Ken's
kids here, haven't you?

Yeah, I did. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

So what it boils
down to, Woody, is,

I'm gonna have to
let somebody go.

Boy, that's tough, Sam.

Yeah. Uh...

You kids are getting
awful heavy here.

Why don't you sit on old
uncle Woody's lap there, huh?

There you go.

Hey, there we go.

Ok, now, Woody.

Try to follow me
closely on this, ok?

See, I can't fire
myself because...

Well, I own the place.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah. So that means...

Either you or Ken,

the father of these two kids.

You... you get what
I'm saying, Woody?

No.

I do! I do!

No, no, no.

Listen, maybe, uh...

Maybe you kids ought to go now.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

You're firing me, Sam.

Woody, I... I don't know
what to say here, man.

Leave cheers.

You know, I always thought

this job was just too
good to keep forever. I...

Well, I understand.

You know, I'm young
and unattached,

and I can afford to be
out of work more than Ken.

Come here. You are
the sweetest guy I know.

You are too, Sam.

What are we doing here? This
doesn't have to be a big good-bye.

I'll help you find another job,

and if Ken ever leaves,
you'll be first in line.

I appreciate that.

Woody, uh...

I know what you're
going to say, Sam.

Really? I don't.

Well, it would've been great.

I'll see you, Sam. I'm
gonna get my things.

Oh, boy.

Oh...

Sam, this has got to be
the strangest night of my life.

Yeah. Must be
something in the air.

I don't even know how
to bring this up, but...

There was a guy
sitting at the bar

said he was from
the Harvard club.

Here's his card.

Anyway, he said he
liked the cut of my jib,

and he asked me if I want
to go and work for him.

The money he's offering
would be hard to turn down.

Woody!

And I swear to uphold
the bylaws of the lodge

and to defend the
dignity of the herd.

Woody, Woody, Woody!
Wait, wait, wait, man!

Wait. There's
somebody in the bar here,

somebody from the Harvard
club who wants to hire Ken,

so you don't have to leave.

I mean, just get back
behind the bar, man.

Oh, god!

What a relief! Oh!

Wait a minute, Sam.

What?

What do you think I am?

I got fired from a job
that means more to me

than anything else in the world,

and you want me to just
come walking back in here

because Ken wants to leave?

Well, I can't do that.

Listen, I need you.

Please. Isn't there anything I
can do to change your mind?

$100 a month raise.

$100!

Fine.

No! No! Woody, wait.

I need you.

Yeah, ok. Ok, 100 bucks.

It's a deal.

Yeah. All right.

Boy. Yeah... You know,
you really surprised me.

You're a pretty
tough negotiator.

Ah, yeah, Sam. I know you think

I'm just a country bumpkin.

And the Boyd family may not
be too sharp about a lot of things.

I mean, we don't
know much about math.

We don't know
much about science.

We don't know
much about politics.

We don't know
much about medicine.

We don't know much
about world affairs,

but I'll tell you,
there's something

we're pretty darn sharp about.

What's that?

What were we talking about?

Machinery.

Oh, we don't know
much about machinery.

I tell you, my uncle,
he lost his arm

in some kind of contraption.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Wait a minute.

What, what?

I remember. We were
talking about money.

Ha! That's right. That's right.

We were talking about
your $50 a month raise.

Sam, it was 100 a month.

Hey, but, you
know, I'll tell you.

I think 100 a
month is too steep.

I'll settle for 30 a week.

You got it.

Host/manager extraordinaire.