Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 22 - Diane Chambers Day - full transcript
The divide between the sensibilities of Diane and the rest of the gang at the bar are first highlighted by Diane's latest date, who shows up at the bar dressed in Renaissance garb. But the greater rift is displayed when Sam invites everyone, including Frasier, to his place to watch The Magnificent Seven (1960), everyone that is except Diane. It is this act that makes Diane storm out of the bar in tears as the outsider. The next day, she's still wallowing in tears of self-pity. To make it up to her, Frasier suggests that they all partake in an activity that Diane would choose, including attending her favorite opera, Lucia di Lammermoor. Frasier makes all the arrangements, all the gang have to do is show up. Will the guys be able to endure a day of doing Diane's favorite activities, and will it make Diane change her mind about her outsider status? It may, especially in how she views Sam, who she believes arranged the evening.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Hey, man, where's this
relief waitress you hired?
Don't worry, Sam.
She's a great waitress,
a complete professional.
Well, how come she's not here?
She called and said she'd
be about 20 minutes late.
She want to get in all her
breaks before she starts.
There she is.
Corinne, over here.
When you asked
them for a waitress,
did you tell them this
was a bar, not a truck stop?
Hi, honey. Is this it?
Yup.
Corinne, this is my
boss, Sam Malone.
Hi, honey. Just give me
some checks, and we're all set.
Ok. Woody, why don't you
show her where they are?
It's right down here.
Would you look at
the size of this place!
My dogs will be barking tonight.
Pardon me. Am I mistaken,
or did you used to work
at the hungry heifer?
Sure, I worked there.
Say, I know you!
The girls there had
a pet name for you.
What was that?
That guy who comes back.
Thanks for helping out.
From now on, let me
pick the waitresses.
My customers are used to
something with a little more sex appeal.
Sam.
Where did you get the fox?
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
How's life in the
fast Lane, normie?
Beats me. I can't
find the on-ramp.
Hey, hey, your brow is a
little furrowed, there, my friend.
What's the boney, maroney?
Vera is getting the urge
to go on vacation again.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry. It'll pass.
Happens every year.
I think she's serious this time.
Maps have been unfolded.
Ooh!
Where does she want to go?
The tropics. Says she
wants to lay in the sand
and bake in the sun.
I offered a compromise. I
said, just turn up the radiator
and stick your feet
in the cat box, but...
And she didn't go for that?
No, no. It's my own damn fault.
You know, I think
I spoil that woman.
Mr. Peterson, if you want
the vacation of a lifetime
without spending a fortune,
I have one word for you...
Hanover, Indiana.
All right. What would I do
for excitement in,
say, Hanover, Indiana?
If you leave right away,
you can catch the corn parade.
That's kind of like
the Rose parade,
but instead of using
flowers for the float...
They use corn.
You've heard of it!
[Telephone rings]
Well, hold on a second.
Carla, it's for you.
Who is it?
I don't know. It's one
of your daughters.
Which one?
I couldn't tell. It
sounded like humanity.
It's Anne Marie.
She's wearing a
retainer on her teeth,
and she's feeling
a little insecure.
Anne Marie.
No. I didn't know it was
you from your ugly voice.
No. Anne Marie, people are
not going to make fun of you
every time you open your mouth.
Honey, your family
are not people.
Yeah. Right. Good-bye.
Poor kid.
I remember when I
was at that awkward age.
Any little difference between
me and the other children,
and I was embarrassed
and humiliated
in front of what
felt like the world.
Hi, Diane.
And on it goes, huh?
You left your sweater
in my apartment.
Oh. Thank you, Dennis.
And thanks for bringing it by
and this all too-brief visit.
Why are you dressed like that?
I'm working the
renaissance fair.
Don't they have
dressing rooms there?
I thought you'd
get a kick out of it.
You said it was
your favorite era.
Dennis, there's a time
and place for everything,
and the time for this
was the 14th century.
Oh...
I'm sorry.
So, are we still on
for Saturday night?
Uh... next Saturday
would be impossible.
You don't want to go out
with me again, do you?
I didn't say that, Dennis.
You're putting
words in my mouth.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
No, no. They're the right words.
I'll give you a call, Dennis.
All right. All right.
I know it's coming.
Let's get on with it.
What? What are
you talking about?
You know... Dennis.
He didn't, well...
He didn't look very ordinary.
Oh, nonsense!
I thought he looked great...
Especially if he was going to
spend the day in Sherwood forest.
You're not being very fair.
Dennis is a really special guy.
And I sensed that, Diane.
I said to myself...
As soon as he walked in, I said,
"now, there's a
sissy with a dream."
Dennis Kaufman is
a brilliant puppeteer.
He does a wonderful
punch and Judy.
He better have a wonderful punch
if he's gonna dress like Judy.
You really pick them, Diane.
Next to him, even
frasier looks like Rambo.
Look what I have stooped to.
Dennis is a fine human being,
and I hustled him out of
here like he had the plague,
all in an effort avoid
your childish jibes.
How will I ever
make it up to him?
Well, you could always
offer to set his hair.
Fine, fine.
Thank you all.
Oh, come on!
You're overreacting.
We were simply indulging
in a couple of yuks.
Were we not, guys?
Well, I can understand
why you act like this,
and Sam... stooping
to such puerile behavior.
You're jealous.
But I don't know why
everyone else jumps in.
Woody here was the only
one of you mature enough
to refrain from jumping on
your mudslinging bandwagon.
Why should I, miss chambers?
I like Denise.
That's Dennis.
I know!
Whoo!
Cliff: Hey, normie.
You feel like doing
something adventurous tonight?
I'm already doing that, cliffie.
Vera is trying on a new
facial mask this evening,
and I kind of want to rush
home and watch it crack.
All right.
All right. What did
you have in mind?
I heard from one of the
guys down the junkmail room
that there's a new act
down at the old wam bam room.
Ooh, hot dog!
Presenting the finest
in nudie entertainment.
Come on, frasier. What
do you say? Let's go.
You're inviting me along
to this evening of devilment?
Sure. You got a
credit card, don't you?
Well...
You know, I'm not so sure
if it really fits in
with my image.
A desperately lonely
character on the make?
Well, I guess I'm in.
All right!
[Beeper beeps]
Oh, sure! Just when
I'm about to have fun.
That's Mrs. Benedict.
How did you know that?
Because she's the person
I'd least like to hear from.
Even her beep is whiny.
Excuse me. Just two seconds.
Guys, Carla, get your coats.
You're coming over to my place.
Tonight, on the tube...
The magnificent seven.
Cliffie, the wam bam
room will always be there,
but only tonight
will the seven ride.
Cliff: Say no more.
Bronson, McQueen, coburn.
Don't think I ever saw that one.
You're kidding. Then
tonight, you become a man.
Well, I'm off.
Hey, change of plans, frasier.
Magnificent seven,
Sammy's TV, tonight.
The seven? Great.
I never miss a
Horst buchholz film.
Listen, I tell you what.
I'll catch up to you
just as soon as I talk Mrs.
Benedict out of her hamper.
Do you guys do this a lot?
Every time one of
the classics is on TV,
we all head over to
Sammy's, make some popcorn,
and glue our
eyeballs to the set.
I'm not ordinarily a fan
of American westerns,
but because the
magnificent seven is a remake
of the far superior and
more complex Japanese film,
the seven samurai,
a comparison
will be interesting.
We'll be sure to do that.
You don't mind locking
up, do you, sweetheart?
Oh... of course not.
[Whimpers]
Carla: We didn't hear anything.
Oh, no. I'm going
to check this out.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'm sorry. Do you want to
come with us, sweetheart?
No!
I don't want to ruin your fun.
When I first walked
into this place,
I felt like an alien,
and four years later,
I still feel like an alien.
Well, if the antenna fits...
Diane, wait a second.
I just want to go home, Sam.
Well, maybe if you...
I don't know, guys.
I don't feel good
about the movie tonight.
Nah. Nah.
[Hums theme from
the magnificent seven]
[Sam hums theme]
[Cliff hums theme]
[Humming theme]
[Humming continues]
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Oh. Hi, Diane.
Why aren't you here?
Are you sick or something?
Well, you sound
all stuffed up. I...
Uh-huh. Well, um...
I hope you feel better.
Bye-bye.
What's the matter with her?
She said she's got this allergy
where you weep uncontrollably.
What do you think, guys?
Do you think we
hurt her feelings
a little bit too
much last night?
Maybe we ought to do
something to make it up to her,
like send her a
bouquet of flowers.
Oh, cliché city, huh?
You know, whenever
I break the heart
of a member of the gentler sex,
I always send her a
nice box of dried figs.
Figs won't do it.
Let me see if I can
explain this. Uh...
Diane has always
tried to take part
in your activities.
Why don't you return the favor
by joining her in something
she finds entertaining?
Oh, boy. All right.
What egghead torture do
we have to endure now?
Well, uh... How about the opera?
Oh, man, come on! Jeez!
It's not like we threw her
down a flight of stairs! Come on!
Tell you what. Leave it to me.
I'll make all the arrangements,
right down to her
favorite flowers.
All you guys have
to do is just show up.
All right. What
do you say, guys?
I mean, it's the
least we could do.
Huh? All right,
all right, all right.
Do me a favor.
Just pick an opera
where it doesn't sound like
somebody backing over a cat.
Please.
You're in luck.
They're playing Diane's
favorite tomorrow night...
Lucia di lammermoor
by donizetti.
Yeah? Well, count me out.
Every time we had
a family gathering,
they always tried to get
me interested in opera.
I just couldn't stand it.
It's just a bunch of
fat, homely people
screeching and trying
to stab each other.
Well, Carla, you know,
not all operas are like that.
I was talking about
the family gathering.
Check it out, boys.
Better than the skyview
seats at Fenway.
Ooh, huh? Look at these chairs.
They're not even bolted down.
Hey, that's class for you.
Boy, you got to really
hand it to frasier, don't you?
He really knows what
melts Diane's butter.
Look at this. Wow.
All right. If we stick
together tonight,
I think we won't
have any casualties.
As long as you
remember your job, Woody.
Anybody starts falling
asleep, give him a nudge.
Hey, don't worry, Mr. Clavin.
There's no way I'm
going to fall asleep.
I had a four-hour
nap this afternoon,
drank 12 cups of coffee,
and I'm wearing
extra-tight shoes.
So where's Diane?
She's powdering her nose.
She started to cry again.
What a woman, huh?
Do you believe that?
She started to cry when we told her
we were going to take her to the opera,
she cried when she
saw us in our tuxes,
and she cried when
she saw the limo.
She's got it under
control, though.
She said she
won't do it anymore.
Diane: No, thank
you. I'll seat myself.
Oh, this is the best box!
Now, you promised.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Won't happen again.
Uh, madam, your seat.
Oh!
Hold on. Yeah. That's good.
Gentlemen.
Ah! What a glorious night.
Somebody pinch me.
That's just an
expression, cliff.
On second thought,
don't pinch me.
If this is a dream, I
do not want to awaken.
Listen, I know that you're
all novices to the opera,
so I'd like to give you
a little background.
Tonight's performance
is in Italian.
I'm sure that you will find it
both enlightening
and entertaining.
By the way, does anyone
need opera glasses?
No. I brought a pair of
my own, there, Diane.
Cliffie, think those are
powerful enough, pal?
You better believe it, norm.
Get a load of the
warheads on that cellist.
No, hey, hey, hey. Don't, don't.
So...
This charming
piece is in three acts.
It begins with edgardo
leaving for France
to renew his vow
of love for Lucia.
Though both houses have
maintained a feud for years...
Enrico, Lucia's brother,
arranges a marriage
between his friend
Arturo and Lucia
by tricking her into believing
that edgardo has been untrue.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
But let's watch.
[Applause]
Maestro.
[Beer can opens]
[Music starts]
[Opera finale]
[Applause]
Wasn't that lovely?
Sam: Good night. Good night.
So, how did it go?
I had a problem with
one of customers.
Oh! Ooh!
He refused to keep
his hands on me.
Go home. I'll finish up here.
Thanks. Yeah.
Diane, you probably
noticed I wasn't there tonight.
Oh...
Yes. Thank you, Carla.
That was a really sweet gesture.
You're welcome.
May I offer you a cognac?
Yes.
That would be lovely.
Thank you again, Sam,
for your thoughtfulness.
It may not seem
like much to you,
but it really meant a lot to me.
No, no. It seemed like
quite a bit to us, too.
Oh... this evening was so
special, so wonderful to me,
and it was all your doing.
Well, there were some
other people involved.
Oh, no. You're their leader.
They do nothing without you.
Well...
But so gallant.
Thank you.
I can't help helping, I guess.
Every detail was
so well thought out,
right down to your
choice of opera.
Oh, well, I knew that Lucy
du-du-du was your favorite.
It was perfect.
You hit all the right chords.
Well, I think I know
you pretty well by now.
Sam, I confess, I...
Underestimated you.
I had not idea you
thought so much about me
in ways other than sexual.
Unfortunately, I can't
possibly do that at the moment.
Oh, Sam.
You moved me
very deeply tonight.
Well, it moves me deeply
to move you deeply.
Speaking of depths,
would I be sinking to one
if I were to suggest that
we carry this conversation
back to my place?
Sam, my god.
Oh, dear. What?
I wasn't expecting this.
I'm experiencing emotions
I haven't felt for so long.
My heart's saying yes.
My mind's saying no.
Why don't you let some other part
of your body break the tie for you?
Huh?
I think I'd better go.
Aw...
Oh, my purse.
Oh, boy.
Oh, Sam, I can't fight it.
Everything tonight has been
leading me right into your arms.
Let me get this clear here.
You're saying that we...
We always get into so
much trouble when we talk.
Mm.
Let's not.
Let's... just do.
Oh...
From now on, no words.
I can't believe this.
This is like a dream I had once.
Oh, wait a minute.
This was good back here.
This is becoming the
most perfect evening
we've ever had together.
Ah... boy.
Sam?
Mmm.
What is it?
I... I can't believe
I'm about to say this.
Uh, I got to be honest with you.
Frasier planned
the whole evening.
I had nothing to do with it.
What do you think about that?
Yeah.
You're saying this to me now
is one of the most wonderful
things you have ever done.
Oh, boy!
Oh! Ha!
I'm even more attracted
to you now than before.
Oh, that's great.
That's great. Let's go.
Sam, wait.
No, no, don't say
wait. Don't say wait.
We can't possibly
have sex tonight.
Sure we can. Sure we can.
No. Don't you
realize what you did?
You insisted on
being honest to me,
respecting me as a person,
even though it meant
risking the loss of
a night of passion.
Well, that kind of stuff should
be rewarded, don't you think?
Sam, no.
For a change tonight,
you had the cooler head,
and you were right to stop me.
We are developing a
very special relationship,
and it would be
wrong to jeopardize it
by having sex.
No. I want to
jeopardize it with sex.
It would be a test.
Sam. Sam, you're regressing.
You're backsliding.
No... we're not ready yet.
Well... all right.
Do you have an estimate
on when we might be ready?
I mean, is it minutes
here? Come on.
Sam, this was a real
breakthrough for us.
I think it's very important
for each of us to be alone.
No, I agree. As
soon as we're done,
I'll leave, I promise.
Good night, Sam.
No, no, wait. Here!
Oh, no.
No.
Aw, jeez...
a live studio audience.
Hey, man, where's this
relief waitress you hired?
Don't worry, Sam.
She's a great waitress,
a complete professional.
Well, how come she's not here?
She called and said she'd
be about 20 minutes late.
She want to get in all her
breaks before she starts.
There she is.
Corinne, over here.
When you asked
them for a waitress,
did you tell them this
was a bar, not a truck stop?
Hi, honey. Is this it?
Yup.
Corinne, this is my
boss, Sam Malone.
Hi, honey. Just give me
some checks, and we're all set.
Ok. Woody, why don't you
show her where they are?
It's right down here.
Would you look at
the size of this place!
My dogs will be barking tonight.
Pardon me. Am I mistaken,
or did you used to work
at the hungry heifer?
Sure, I worked there.
Say, I know you!
The girls there had
a pet name for you.
What was that?
That guy who comes back.
Thanks for helping out.
From now on, let me
pick the waitresses.
My customers are used to
something with a little more sex appeal.
Sam.
Where did you get the fox?
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
How's life in the
fast Lane, normie?
Beats me. I can't
find the on-ramp.
Hey, hey, your brow is a
little furrowed, there, my friend.
What's the boney, maroney?
Vera is getting the urge
to go on vacation again.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry. It'll pass.
Happens every year.
I think she's serious this time.
Maps have been unfolded.
Ooh!
Where does she want to go?
The tropics. Says she
wants to lay in the sand
and bake in the sun.
I offered a compromise. I
said, just turn up the radiator
and stick your feet
in the cat box, but...
And she didn't go for that?
No, no. It's my own damn fault.
You know, I think
I spoil that woman.
Mr. Peterson, if you want
the vacation of a lifetime
without spending a fortune,
I have one word for you...
Hanover, Indiana.
All right. What would I do
for excitement in,
say, Hanover, Indiana?
If you leave right away,
you can catch the corn parade.
That's kind of like
the Rose parade,
but instead of using
flowers for the float...
They use corn.
You've heard of it!
[Telephone rings]
Well, hold on a second.
Carla, it's for you.
Who is it?
I don't know. It's one
of your daughters.
Which one?
I couldn't tell. It
sounded like humanity.
It's Anne Marie.
She's wearing a
retainer on her teeth,
and she's feeling
a little insecure.
Anne Marie.
No. I didn't know it was
you from your ugly voice.
No. Anne Marie, people are
not going to make fun of you
every time you open your mouth.
Honey, your family
are not people.
Yeah. Right. Good-bye.
Poor kid.
I remember when I
was at that awkward age.
Any little difference between
me and the other children,
and I was embarrassed
and humiliated
in front of what
felt like the world.
Hi, Diane.
And on it goes, huh?
You left your sweater
in my apartment.
Oh. Thank you, Dennis.
And thanks for bringing it by
and this all too-brief visit.
Why are you dressed like that?
I'm working the
renaissance fair.
Don't they have
dressing rooms there?
I thought you'd
get a kick out of it.
You said it was
your favorite era.
Dennis, there's a time
and place for everything,
and the time for this
was the 14th century.
Oh...
I'm sorry.
So, are we still on
for Saturday night?
Uh... next Saturday
would be impossible.
You don't want to go out
with me again, do you?
I didn't say that, Dennis.
You're putting
words in my mouth.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
No, no. They're the right words.
I'll give you a call, Dennis.
All right. All right.
I know it's coming.
Let's get on with it.
What? What are
you talking about?
You know... Dennis.
He didn't, well...
He didn't look very ordinary.
Oh, nonsense!
I thought he looked great...
Especially if he was going to
spend the day in Sherwood forest.
You're not being very fair.
Dennis is a really special guy.
And I sensed that, Diane.
I said to myself...
As soon as he walked in, I said,
"now, there's a
sissy with a dream."
Dennis Kaufman is
a brilliant puppeteer.
He does a wonderful
punch and Judy.
He better have a wonderful punch
if he's gonna dress like Judy.
You really pick them, Diane.
Next to him, even
frasier looks like Rambo.
Look what I have stooped to.
Dennis is a fine human being,
and I hustled him out of
here like he had the plague,
all in an effort avoid
your childish jibes.
How will I ever
make it up to him?
Well, you could always
offer to set his hair.
Fine, fine.
Thank you all.
Oh, come on!
You're overreacting.
We were simply indulging
in a couple of yuks.
Were we not, guys?
Well, I can understand
why you act like this,
and Sam... stooping
to such puerile behavior.
You're jealous.
But I don't know why
everyone else jumps in.
Woody here was the only
one of you mature enough
to refrain from jumping on
your mudslinging bandwagon.
Why should I, miss chambers?
I like Denise.
That's Dennis.
I know!
Whoo!
Cliff: Hey, normie.
You feel like doing
something adventurous tonight?
I'm already doing that, cliffie.
Vera is trying on a new
facial mask this evening,
and I kind of want to rush
home and watch it crack.
All right.
All right. What did
you have in mind?
I heard from one of the
guys down the junkmail room
that there's a new act
down at the old wam bam room.
Ooh, hot dog!
Presenting the finest
in nudie entertainment.
Come on, frasier. What
do you say? Let's go.
You're inviting me along
to this evening of devilment?
Sure. You got a
credit card, don't you?
Well...
You know, I'm not so sure
if it really fits in
with my image.
A desperately lonely
character on the make?
Well, I guess I'm in.
All right!
[Beeper beeps]
Oh, sure! Just when
I'm about to have fun.
That's Mrs. Benedict.
How did you know that?
Because she's the person
I'd least like to hear from.
Even her beep is whiny.
Excuse me. Just two seconds.
Guys, Carla, get your coats.
You're coming over to my place.
Tonight, on the tube...
The magnificent seven.
Cliffie, the wam bam
room will always be there,
but only tonight
will the seven ride.
Cliff: Say no more.
Bronson, McQueen, coburn.
Don't think I ever saw that one.
You're kidding. Then
tonight, you become a man.
Well, I'm off.
Hey, change of plans, frasier.
Magnificent seven,
Sammy's TV, tonight.
The seven? Great.
I never miss a
Horst buchholz film.
Listen, I tell you what.
I'll catch up to you
just as soon as I talk Mrs.
Benedict out of her hamper.
Do you guys do this a lot?
Every time one of
the classics is on TV,
we all head over to
Sammy's, make some popcorn,
and glue our
eyeballs to the set.
I'm not ordinarily a fan
of American westerns,
but because the
magnificent seven is a remake
of the far superior and
more complex Japanese film,
the seven samurai,
a comparison
will be interesting.
We'll be sure to do that.
You don't mind locking
up, do you, sweetheart?
Oh... of course not.
[Whimpers]
Carla: We didn't hear anything.
Oh, no. I'm going
to check this out.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'm sorry. Do you want to
come with us, sweetheart?
No!
I don't want to ruin your fun.
When I first walked
into this place,
I felt like an alien,
and four years later,
I still feel like an alien.
Well, if the antenna fits...
Diane, wait a second.
I just want to go home, Sam.
Well, maybe if you...
I don't know, guys.
I don't feel good
about the movie tonight.
Nah. Nah.
[Hums theme from
the magnificent seven]
[Sam hums theme]
[Cliff hums theme]
[Humming theme]
[Humming continues]
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Oh. Hi, Diane.
Why aren't you here?
Are you sick or something?
Well, you sound
all stuffed up. I...
Uh-huh. Well, um...
I hope you feel better.
Bye-bye.
What's the matter with her?
She said she's got this allergy
where you weep uncontrollably.
What do you think, guys?
Do you think we
hurt her feelings
a little bit too
much last night?
Maybe we ought to do
something to make it up to her,
like send her a
bouquet of flowers.
Oh, cliché city, huh?
You know, whenever
I break the heart
of a member of the gentler sex,
I always send her a
nice box of dried figs.
Figs won't do it.
Let me see if I can
explain this. Uh...
Diane has always
tried to take part
in your activities.
Why don't you return the favor
by joining her in something
she finds entertaining?
Oh, boy. All right.
What egghead torture do
we have to endure now?
Well, uh... How about the opera?
Oh, man, come on! Jeez!
It's not like we threw her
down a flight of stairs! Come on!
Tell you what. Leave it to me.
I'll make all the arrangements,
right down to her
favorite flowers.
All you guys have
to do is just show up.
All right. What
do you say, guys?
I mean, it's the
least we could do.
Huh? All right,
all right, all right.
Do me a favor.
Just pick an opera
where it doesn't sound like
somebody backing over a cat.
Please.
You're in luck.
They're playing Diane's
favorite tomorrow night...
Lucia di lammermoor
by donizetti.
Yeah? Well, count me out.
Every time we had
a family gathering,
they always tried to get
me interested in opera.
I just couldn't stand it.
It's just a bunch of
fat, homely people
screeching and trying
to stab each other.
Well, Carla, you know,
not all operas are like that.
I was talking about
the family gathering.
Check it out, boys.
Better than the skyview
seats at Fenway.
Ooh, huh? Look at these chairs.
They're not even bolted down.
Hey, that's class for you.
Boy, you got to really
hand it to frasier, don't you?
He really knows what
melts Diane's butter.
Look at this. Wow.
All right. If we stick
together tonight,
I think we won't
have any casualties.
As long as you
remember your job, Woody.
Anybody starts falling
asleep, give him a nudge.
Hey, don't worry, Mr. Clavin.
There's no way I'm
going to fall asleep.
I had a four-hour
nap this afternoon,
drank 12 cups of coffee,
and I'm wearing
extra-tight shoes.
So where's Diane?
She's powdering her nose.
She started to cry again.
What a woman, huh?
Do you believe that?
She started to cry when we told her
we were going to take her to the opera,
she cried when she
saw us in our tuxes,
and she cried when
she saw the limo.
She's got it under
control, though.
She said she
won't do it anymore.
Diane: No, thank
you. I'll seat myself.
Oh, this is the best box!
Now, you promised.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Won't happen again.
Uh, madam, your seat.
Oh!
Hold on. Yeah. That's good.
Gentlemen.
Ah! What a glorious night.
Somebody pinch me.
That's just an
expression, cliff.
On second thought,
don't pinch me.
If this is a dream, I
do not want to awaken.
Listen, I know that you're
all novices to the opera,
so I'd like to give you
a little background.
Tonight's performance
is in Italian.
I'm sure that you will find it
both enlightening
and entertaining.
By the way, does anyone
need opera glasses?
No. I brought a pair of
my own, there, Diane.
Cliffie, think those are
powerful enough, pal?
You better believe it, norm.
Get a load of the
warheads on that cellist.
No, hey, hey, hey. Don't, don't.
So...
This charming
piece is in three acts.
It begins with edgardo
leaving for France
to renew his vow
of love for Lucia.
Though both houses have
maintained a feud for years...
Enrico, Lucia's brother,
arranges a marriage
between his friend
Arturo and Lucia
by tricking her into believing
that edgardo has been untrue.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
But let's watch.
[Applause]
Maestro.
[Beer can opens]
[Music starts]
[Opera finale]
[Applause]
Wasn't that lovely?
Sam: Good night. Good night.
So, how did it go?
I had a problem with
one of customers.
Oh! Ooh!
He refused to keep
his hands on me.
Go home. I'll finish up here.
Thanks. Yeah.
Diane, you probably
noticed I wasn't there tonight.
Oh...
Yes. Thank you, Carla.
That was a really sweet gesture.
You're welcome.
May I offer you a cognac?
Yes.
That would be lovely.
Thank you again, Sam,
for your thoughtfulness.
It may not seem
like much to you,
but it really meant a lot to me.
No, no. It seemed like
quite a bit to us, too.
Oh... this evening was so
special, so wonderful to me,
and it was all your doing.
Well, there were some
other people involved.
Oh, no. You're their leader.
They do nothing without you.
Well...
But so gallant.
Thank you.
I can't help helping, I guess.
Every detail was
so well thought out,
right down to your
choice of opera.
Oh, well, I knew that Lucy
du-du-du was your favorite.
It was perfect.
You hit all the right chords.
Well, I think I know
you pretty well by now.
Sam, I confess, I...
Underestimated you.
I had not idea you
thought so much about me
in ways other than sexual.
Unfortunately, I can't
possibly do that at the moment.
Oh, Sam.
You moved me
very deeply tonight.
Well, it moves me deeply
to move you deeply.
Speaking of depths,
would I be sinking to one
if I were to suggest that
we carry this conversation
back to my place?
Sam, my god.
Oh, dear. What?
I wasn't expecting this.
I'm experiencing emotions
I haven't felt for so long.
My heart's saying yes.
My mind's saying no.
Why don't you let some other part
of your body break the tie for you?
Huh?
I think I'd better go.
Aw...
Oh, my purse.
Oh, boy.
Oh, Sam, I can't fight it.
Everything tonight has been
leading me right into your arms.
Let me get this clear here.
You're saying that we...
We always get into so
much trouble when we talk.
Mm.
Let's not.
Let's... just do.
Oh...
From now on, no words.
I can't believe this.
This is like a dream I had once.
Oh, wait a minute.
This was good back here.
This is becoming the
most perfect evening
we've ever had together.
Ah... boy.
Sam?
Mmm.
What is it?
I... I can't believe
I'm about to say this.
Uh, I got to be honest with you.
Frasier planned
the whole evening.
I had nothing to do with it.
What do you think about that?
Yeah.
You're saying this to me now
is one of the most wonderful
things you have ever done.
Oh, boy!
Oh! Ha!
I'm even more attracted
to you now than before.
Oh, that's great.
That's great. Let's go.
Sam, wait.
No, no, don't say
wait. Don't say wait.
We can't possibly
have sex tonight.
Sure we can. Sure we can.
No. Don't you
realize what you did?
You insisted on
being honest to me,
respecting me as a person,
even though it meant
risking the loss of
a night of passion.
Well, that kind of stuff should
be rewarded, don't you think?
Sam, no.
For a change tonight,
you had the cooler head,
and you were right to stop me.
We are developing a
very special relationship,
and it would be
wrong to jeopardize it
by having sex.
No. I want to
jeopardize it with sex.
It would be a test.
Sam. Sam, you're regressing.
You're backsliding.
No... we're not ready yet.
Well... all right.
Do you have an estimate
on when we might be ready?
I mean, is it minutes
here? Come on.
Sam, this was a real
breakthrough for us.
I think it's very important
for each of us to be alone.
No, I agree. As
soon as we're done,
I'll leave, I promise.
Good night, Sam.
No, no, wait. Here!
Oh, no.
No.
Aw, jeez...