Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 17 - Second Time Around - full transcript
After a disastrous date with a colleague named Dr. Lilith Sternin, Frasier is once again despondent about his lack of luck with women. The guys think that Sam could throw Frasier one of his so-called castaways, and quickly Sam comes up with Candi Pearson as the perfect person to help Frasier out out his slump. Candi is a simple, fun loving gal, who is glad to help out Frasier, especially after she meets him and sees that he's got such a great forehead! But Frasier doesn't want either Sam or Candi's charity or pity, that is until Sam and Candi explain to him that they thought that Candi and Frasier could just have some fun. Frasier does leave the bar with her for a date. Diane is incredulous that Frasier would go out on a date with a woman such as Candi, someone obviously intellectually and socially lower than Frasier. The next day, Frasier and Candi come back into the bar announcing that they're getting married, and they want the wedding ceremony to happen at the bar that evening. Between now and the "I do's", will anything happen to stop Frasier and/or Candi from taking this impetuous step?
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Good evening,
you lucky dogs and dogettes.
Inside this airtight container
is a taste sensation
second to none.
Get your taste buds ready.
Ma's homemade pretzels.
They kind of look
like they were made
in a home, cliff.
Well, they're a
little misshapen.
Ma has arthritis. Her
hands stiffen up on here.
That explains the smell
of mentholatum, then.
Here you go, Sam.
Chow down. They're
completely organic.
So, what word
would you folks use
to describe these babies?
Filling.
Ok, all right, they're filling.
No, I just lost one.
Eh, you know,
norm, they're pretzels.
They're supposed to be hard.
Hey, look, I'm gonna go share
a few with the guys in the back.
A little bit of salt
and mustard on there,
and you really got something.
Yeah, a lawsuit.
I need some water.
I'm having trouble swallowing.
Why are you trying?
Well, I figure it's either that
or I have to take
it out and look at it.
Oh, jeez...
♪ makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Everybody, I'd like you to
meet my date, Dr. Lilith sternin,
m.d., ph.D., e.D.D., a.P.A.
Boy, it sure isn't
spelled like it sounds.
I'm so proud of frasier.
He's making good on
his vow to start a new life.
Lilith and I met over drinks after
the chemical dependency seminar.
By the way, I
noticed your drinking
went beyond sociability.
Woody, I'll have two cognacs.
What would you like?
Come on, it was just
a meaningless joke.
There's no such thing
as a meaningless joke.
I'd forgotten.
I'll have a white wine.
I'll have a beer.
A beer, Woody,
and white wine for
the charming lady.
Charming?
Your flattery's
obligatory and specious.
Thank you.
So how do you like cheers?
Well, it seems
adequate for its purpose,
but I have a feeling that you
only brought me to this place
to surround yourself with
people you know and I don't.
Well, yes.
But what's more, I thought
that we might have a drink or 2,
thereby lowering
our inhibitions a bit
and enabling us to
go back to your place
and have a physical
encounter of some sort.
Well, we won't.
I appreciate your candor.
No, you don't.
You're right.
I feel like striking you.
Your attempt at machismo
is totally inadequate.
You can't even make eye contact.
I could look at
you if I wanted to,
but frankly I've grown tired of
counting the comb marks in your hair.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go and
use the little boys' room.
Why does a grown man
feel the need to euphemize?
Well, he did drink
that beer awfully fast.
[Beep beep]
Oh, that's the
hospital. I'm on call.
With any luck, it'll be one
of my manic-depressives
and the evening
will take an upturn.
Boy, you got to
love her, don't you?
Excuse me, miss.
Would you please
inform Dr. Crane
that I had to leave
on an emergency?
And kindly relay this message...
I've had a very
uncomfortable evening,
I don't think we should
see each other in the future
except professionally.
What, no good night kiss?
I kiss only as a
prelude to passion.
Well, we've been warned.
Oh, dear.
It appears frasier has
been rejected again.
That poor yutz.
Even the trash only gets
dumped once a week.
Where's Lilith?
Dr. Sternin she was called
away on an emergency.
Well, that's all right anyway.
I didn't much care for Lilith.
Sam, do you mind if I just
use your office for a moment?
Sure, sure. How come?
I'm going to weep.
Poor frasier. I wish he could find
someone to ease his loneliness.
Sam, couldn't you give him
one of your hand-me-downs?
I already did.
No, I was thinking of someone
who would be, like, fun.
Well, now that you mention it,
I guess I could prescribe a
little candi Pearson for Dr. Crane.
Ooh! Candi. I like candi.
I sincerely doubt that frasier
would approve of being set up
for a one-night stand
with one of your
jiggling jugheads.
I'm not talking about
sex, necessarily.
I just think that
frasier should know
that women don't
always mean misery.
I think candi is just what
the doctor prescribed.
She's cute, she's fun,
and she's never met
a man she didn't like...
A lot. Ha ha!
Hi, Sam.
Hey, candi! Boy, is
it good to see you.
You are as beautiful as ever.
Sam, I'm getting low.
I'm also running out of beer.
Well, maybe I can help
you out on both counts here.
I'd like you to meet candi.
Hi.
Hi yourself.
Anyone ever tell you
you've got a cute forehead?
Frankly, no,
but I've been told I
have acute anxiety.
What's your name?
Dr. Frasier crane.
I'm candi.
Yes, so I see from your
necklace... with an "I."
Well, I used to
spell it with a "y,"
but nobody ever
took me seriously,
so then I switched it to an
"I," you know, like Gandhi.
Yes, I understand
that's why he did it.
Could I buy you a drink?
Oh, sure, um...
Something with bubbles.
Very well. Sam, um...
Champagne cocktails a deux.
Well, it looks like you and
candi are becoming friends.
Well, she seems
like a very pleasant.
Sam, she's not
here for you, is she?
No, no. Looks to me like
she's here for you, frasier.
Well, yes, it does.
You're lucky, doc. Sam's
never bothered set me up
with one of his bevy of babes,
not that I need help.
No, just mercy.
Oh, I see. This is all a setup.
Well, I've seen
that movie before.
When all else fails,
hire some strumpet to
date the town wretch.
Hey, this is not a setup.
She's not a strumpet.
She's just here because I
thought you might like each other.
No expectations, no frills.
Just a casual thing.
Well, thanks, Sam,
but, uh... No, thanks.
Yeah, but...
I see your little
attempt to corrupt frasier
has failed miserably.
I'm sorry, miss. But I just
figured out what this is all about.
I'm not in the habit of fraternizing
with women of your type.
What type is that?
Well, you know, uh... Fun.
Good night.
I don't believe it.
Frasier just turned down candi.
If it was me, I'd be making
her scrambled eggs by now.
I'm sure she'd
prefer that to sex.
Why do you open your mouth?
Didn't know she was there.
We need to put
a little bell on her.
I don't know what you
think this is all about,
but I just came because
Sam said you were a nice guy
and you were down in the dumps
and I thought maybe
we could talk a little bit
and have a couple of laughs...
Fine. We've had that.
You've done your charity
work for the evening.
Charity work? You
really are a sad case.
How a guy with
such a great forehead
could get so messed up.
Wait. The least I can do
is give you a ride home.
I'm going your direction.
Which direction?
Out.
Thank you, frasier.
You're sweet.
Say, you know, I just realized,
I'm feeling kind of hungry.
Would you like to get some food?
Oh, food... my favorite.
Good lord!
Frasier left with her?
Well, they have
nothing in common.
What could he possibly
have to say to that woman?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Pretzels! Fresh pretzels!
Get your fresh pretzels here.
Delivered to you piping
hot from ma clavin's kitchen.
Come on, norm,
you're his friend.
You promised you'd tell him to
stop bringing that stuff in here.
All right, I'll take care of it
while I still have
some teeth left.
Hey, uh, incidentally, normie,
I don't mind telling you
how much ma appreciates the fact
that you guys like her pretzels.
Great, cliff. Listen...
She's been down in the
dumps these past 40 years.
When she heard how
you felt about these babies,
well, she just broke
right down and cried.
Oh, boy. Pretzels.
Anyone seen frasier yet?
Not since he left
last night with candi.
I wonder what they did.
I'm sure they just went
out and had dinner.
I'll bet they had
some dinner, all right.
Yeah, real good dinner,
real fine restaurant, huh?
Actually, the best.
I wonder if the
restaurant was crowded.
I clearly doubt that frasier took
advantage of that young woman.
Come on. Diane, frasier's a guy,
no different from
the rest of us.
There's one difference.
He scored since the
invention of the wheel.
Doesn't have to be a big bell,
as long as we can hear it.
Trust me, he might have
taken pity on that poor girl
and done something
to be nice to her.
Frasier is far too
sophisticated a man
to be swept away by
her transparent charm.
Greetings, one and all.
Say hello to Mrs. Frasier crane.
You're married?
No, we're not married, and
we won't be for a long time.
An hour!
We're gonna tie the
knot right here today
where we met just 16 hours ago,
that is it's ok with
you, Sam. Yeah.
16 hours isn't much time.
That depends on how
you spend those 16 hours.
Hey, Woody, some champagne here.
I mean, this is
quite an occasion.
I mean, I know I'm
responsible for them,
but I didn't even
see that coming.
The thought never
even crossed my mind.
Thoughts can't
cross your mind, Sam.
The bridge is out.
Ok, well, I would like
to propose a toast, then.
This is one that my
father said at my wedding,
and it's kind of
always stuck with me.
Thank god I'm
not paying for this.
Thank you. Thank you all.
Oops, spot!
Look at me.
I'm rumpled and loving it.
Sam, I'll never be able
to thank you enough
for introducing me
to this precious flower.
That goes double for me.
Candi is the
perfect girl for me.
I got so tired of
thinking and dating
at the same time.
But with candi,
I'm no longer frasier
crane, pompous intellectual.
I'm fras, pompous madcap.
And I kind of like him.
Come on, darling,
we'll just stop off at my place
for a quick celebration.
Then we've got a ring to buy
before the justice of the peace arrives.
Oh, fras.
Just a moment, dear.
Um, what is it, Diane?
I hate what I'm about to say.
I pray to god it's not true.
I think you're doing this
to draw me out, to force
me to make a stand.
Please, tell me if I'm wrong,
and I'll be forever silent.
You're wrong. No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Diane.
Ok.
Fine.
He's lost his mind.
Well, cliffie, we got
time for a wedding
on this evening's agenda?
Well, if we put back
the billiard's game,
and, well, we're gonna
miss the first 10 minutes
of "nighttime wheel of fortune."
I hate it when someone
throws a monkey wrench
in the works.
Don't worry, norm.
Look, we'll just
postpone the darts game
until after the vows.
Aren't you forgetting
something, Mr. Organizer?
Today's the day when
"people" magazine comes out.
Yeah. So?
So when are we supposed to
black out celebrity's
teeth? Tell me that.
You know, you're not so dumb.
Thank you, Carla.
Frasier's not my cup of tea,
but as husbands go,
he could be all right.
He won't hurt you,
and I think he'll
always be faithful.
And if he isn't, who cares?
That's kind of beautiful.
Dr. Crane? I couldn't
be happier for you.
She is a beautiful girl.
Thank you, Woody.
My dream is to
someday fall in love
with a beautiful girl and
her to fall in love with me
and we get married and
have three wonderful children
who grow up and move away
from us and hardly ever write.
She and I would grow old
in an empty house
together and die.
I forgot. I also want a boat.
It'll happen for you,
Woody. I know it.
Shall we begin?
May we all gather
down at this end?
My dear.
You look lovely.
You, too, frasier.
But you know what we're missing?
Music.
Music, of course.
Say, anybody play the piano?
I play a little.
Get up there, young man,
and regale us
with your virtuosity.
[Playing heart and soul]
Uh, Woody.
Woody.
I don't think that's
quite right for a wedding.
Oh.
[Plays slower]
It's, uh... Perfect.
Senseless. Madcap.
Frasier would hate it.
Fras thinks it's swell.
Dearly beloved, we're
gathered here to join
this man and this
woman in matrimony.
Marriage is a sacred union
not to be entered into lightly.
If there is any person present
who knows a reason why
this couple shouldn't be united,
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
I do.
Right phrase, wrong wedding.
I have to stop this
and stop it now.
There's something I must say.
I've tried to avoid it, I've tried
to hold my peace, but I can't.
It's urgent. Please.
Sam, help. Let's go, fast.
Uh...
Listen up, everybody.
We'll be back.
In the meantime,
you'll be entertained
by the magic fingers
of Mr. Woody Boyd.
[Playing heart and soul]
Frasier, candi, I
apologize for interrupting
what should be the
most important moment
in a person's life.
I'm compelled to do this
by my affection and
respect for both of you.
Isn't it possible
that in the heat
of recent events,
you might be confusing
physical attraction
for deeper, more
sublime emotions?
You know, in the
psychiatric profession,
we have a statement to
that little theory of yours.
Hah!
Frasier.
You have to admit you and candi
are as different
as night and day,
you are as different
as Sam and I.
Frasier, hear me out.
We were, as you are,
diametrically
opposed personalities.
Oh, at first,
our differences
were charming to us.
I found Sam's lack of refinement
and sophistication...
Crudely provocative.
Yeah, and I liked the way
her hair smelled.
I'm sure in addition
you were excited
by the intellectual vistas
to which I exposed you.
No. I really think it
was that conditioner.
The point I'm trying to make
is that the only thing we had
was a great
physical relationship.
Yeah, and we had a lot of that.
When we'd go to concerts,
Sam would be bored stiff
and I'd be excited,
and we'd be on
totally different planes.
Yeah, but we
caught the same flight
once we got home and
hit the old posturepedic.
Don't you see what
you're doing here?
You feel guilty, as
least subconsciously,
for rejecting me,
and that's causing
you to act out.
For once in your life, frasier,
put away your
flash-card psychoanalysis
and face the truth.
How dare you insult
my professional acumen!
Here's what I...
Candi, please, you were
not put on this earth to think!
Diane, you are
without a doubt...
Oh, my god. What have I
done? What have I said?
You said I'm not here...
No, I know what I said.
I just can't believe I said it.
Candi, I didn't mean it.
Please forgive me.
Yes, you did mean it, frasier.
And what's more, you're right.
I didn't understand
anything anybody was saying
except for Sam.
We can't get married
because I don't deserve you.
No. I don't deserve you.
I don't deserve to put polish
on your toenails.
Although it was the
highlight of breakfast.
Maybe... We should
spend more time together
before we take this step.
You mean...
Like the weekend?
That long?
Well, maybe.
I think you've made
a very wise decision.
I think we'll be going now.
I'm sorry I snapped
at you that way.
It's the first time I've raised
my voice to you in anger,
and I promise it'll be the last.
That's too bad.
I thought you were kind of
sexy when you were mad.
Really? Well, don't just
sit there, get a move on!
Sam, your office
is a pigsty! See to it!
Ooh, frasier.
And you know, if we can
put a man on the moon,
why can't we put
metal in a microwave?
Diane, I got to compliment you
on the way you handled frasier.
That was pretty good.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hate to see
a man and woman
make a mistake.
Frasier and candi.
Frasier and candi.
Well, no, no, I mean,
you got to hang out with
somebody for a long time,
get to really get to know
them before you take a big step.
Yes. If something's worthwhile,
it's worth waiting for.
Absolutely.
Well, lot of people out
there waiting for a wedding.
No bride, no groom.
Guess it's up to us, huh?
My god, Sam.
I can't believe my ears.
You're serious, aren't you?
Oh.
Oh, no. No, I...
I just meant that we
should go out there
and serve those people
some drinks, that's all.
Oh, that's what I meant, too.
No, it isn't.
What did you think
I was talking about?
Come on.
Well, for a moment
there, I confess,
I thought you were talking
about something else.
Uh-huh. And what would
your answer have been?
No, Sam.
That's the sort of question
that has to be asked
before it can be answered.
Well, if I heard the answer,
maybe it would be easier
for me to ask the question.
Very well.
The answer is no.
Well, the question was,
have you ever met a man who
gave you the hots more than me?
I'd like to change my answer.
Fine.
Then the answer is yes.
Well, then the question was do
you want to go to bed with me?
I want to changed
my answer again.
Well, that's ok. I'll
change my question
to is there any way
that you would not object
to not going to bed with me?
Wait a minute.
a live studio audience.
Good evening,
you lucky dogs and dogettes.
Inside this airtight container
is a taste sensation
second to none.
Get your taste buds ready.
Ma's homemade pretzels.
They kind of look
like they were made
in a home, cliff.
Well, they're a
little misshapen.
Ma has arthritis. Her
hands stiffen up on here.
That explains the smell
of mentholatum, then.
Here you go, Sam.
Chow down. They're
completely organic.
So, what word
would you folks use
to describe these babies?
Filling.
Ok, all right, they're filling.
No, I just lost one.
Eh, you know,
norm, they're pretzels.
They're supposed to be hard.
Hey, look, I'm gonna go share
a few with the guys in the back.
A little bit of salt
and mustard on there,
and you really got something.
Yeah, a lawsuit.
I need some water.
I'm having trouble swallowing.
Why are you trying?
Well, I figure it's either that
or I have to take
it out and look at it.
Oh, jeez...
♪ makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Everybody, I'd like you to
meet my date, Dr. Lilith sternin,
m.d., ph.D., e.D.D., a.P.A.
Boy, it sure isn't
spelled like it sounds.
I'm so proud of frasier.
He's making good on
his vow to start a new life.
Lilith and I met over drinks after
the chemical dependency seminar.
By the way, I
noticed your drinking
went beyond sociability.
Woody, I'll have two cognacs.
What would you like?
Come on, it was just
a meaningless joke.
There's no such thing
as a meaningless joke.
I'd forgotten.
I'll have a white wine.
I'll have a beer.
A beer, Woody,
and white wine for
the charming lady.
Charming?
Your flattery's
obligatory and specious.
Thank you.
So how do you like cheers?
Well, it seems
adequate for its purpose,
but I have a feeling that you
only brought me to this place
to surround yourself with
people you know and I don't.
Well, yes.
But what's more, I thought
that we might have a drink or 2,
thereby lowering
our inhibitions a bit
and enabling us to
go back to your place
and have a physical
encounter of some sort.
Well, we won't.
I appreciate your candor.
No, you don't.
You're right.
I feel like striking you.
Your attempt at machismo
is totally inadequate.
You can't even make eye contact.
I could look at
you if I wanted to,
but frankly I've grown tired of
counting the comb marks in your hair.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go and
use the little boys' room.
Why does a grown man
feel the need to euphemize?
Well, he did drink
that beer awfully fast.
[Beep beep]
Oh, that's the
hospital. I'm on call.
With any luck, it'll be one
of my manic-depressives
and the evening
will take an upturn.
Boy, you got to
love her, don't you?
Excuse me, miss.
Would you please
inform Dr. Crane
that I had to leave
on an emergency?
And kindly relay this message...
I've had a very
uncomfortable evening,
I don't think we should
see each other in the future
except professionally.
What, no good night kiss?
I kiss only as a
prelude to passion.
Well, we've been warned.
Oh, dear.
It appears frasier has
been rejected again.
That poor yutz.
Even the trash only gets
dumped once a week.
Where's Lilith?
Dr. Sternin she was called
away on an emergency.
Well, that's all right anyway.
I didn't much care for Lilith.
Sam, do you mind if I just
use your office for a moment?
Sure, sure. How come?
I'm going to weep.
Poor frasier. I wish he could find
someone to ease his loneliness.
Sam, couldn't you give him
one of your hand-me-downs?
I already did.
No, I was thinking of someone
who would be, like, fun.
Well, now that you mention it,
I guess I could prescribe a
little candi Pearson for Dr. Crane.
Ooh! Candi. I like candi.
I sincerely doubt that frasier
would approve of being set up
for a one-night stand
with one of your
jiggling jugheads.
I'm not talking about
sex, necessarily.
I just think that
frasier should know
that women don't
always mean misery.
I think candi is just what
the doctor prescribed.
She's cute, she's fun,
and she's never met
a man she didn't like...
A lot. Ha ha!
Hi, Sam.
Hey, candi! Boy, is
it good to see you.
You are as beautiful as ever.
Sam, I'm getting low.
I'm also running out of beer.
Well, maybe I can help
you out on both counts here.
I'd like you to meet candi.
Hi.
Hi yourself.
Anyone ever tell you
you've got a cute forehead?
Frankly, no,
but I've been told I
have acute anxiety.
What's your name?
Dr. Frasier crane.
I'm candi.
Yes, so I see from your
necklace... with an "I."
Well, I used to
spell it with a "y,"
but nobody ever
took me seriously,
so then I switched it to an
"I," you know, like Gandhi.
Yes, I understand
that's why he did it.
Could I buy you a drink?
Oh, sure, um...
Something with bubbles.
Very well. Sam, um...
Champagne cocktails a deux.
Well, it looks like you and
candi are becoming friends.
Well, she seems
like a very pleasant.
Sam, she's not
here for you, is she?
No, no. Looks to me like
she's here for you, frasier.
Well, yes, it does.
You're lucky, doc. Sam's
never bothered set me up
with one of his bevy of babes,
not that I need help.
No, just mercy.
Oh, I see. This is all a setup.
Well, I've seen
that movie before.
When all else fails,
hire some strumpet to
date the town wretch.
Hey, this is not a setup.
She's not a strumpet.
She's just here because I
thought you might like each other.
No expectations, no frills.
Just a casual thing.
Well, thanks, Sam,
but, uh... No, thanks.
Yeah, but...
I see your little
attempt to corrupt frasier
has failed miserably.
I'm sorry, miss. But I just
figured out what this is all about.
I'm not in the habit of fraternizing
with women of your type.
What type is that?
Well, you know, uh... Fun.
Good night.
I don't believe it.
Frasier just turned down candi.
If it was me, I'd be making
her scrambled eggs by now.
I'm sure she'd
prefer that to sex.
Why do you open your mouth?
Didn't know she was there.
We need to put
a little bell on her.
I don't know what you
think this is all about,
but I just came because
Sam said you were a nice guy
and you were down in the dumps
and I thought maybe
we could talk a little bit
and have a couple of laughs...
Fine. We've had that.
You've done your charity
work for the evening.
Charity work? You
really are a sad case.
How a guy with
such a great forehead
could get so messed up.
Wait. The least I can do
is give you a ride home.
I'm going your direction.
Which direction?
Out.
Thank you, frasier.
You're sweet.
Say, you know, I just realized,
I'm feeling kind of hungry.
Would you like to get some food?
Oh, food... my favorite.
Good lord!
Frasier left with her?
Well, they have
nothing in common.
What could he possibly
have to say to that woman?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Pretzels! Fresh pretzels!
Get your fresh pretzels here.
Delivered to you piping
hot from ma clavin's kitchen.
Come on, norm,
you're his friend.
You promised you'd tell him to
stop bringing that stuff in here.
All right, I'll take care of it
while I still have
some teeth left.
Hey, uh, incidentally, normie,
I don't mind telling you
how much ma appreciates the fact
that you guys like her pretzels.
Great, cliff. Listen...
She's been down in the
dumps these past 40 years.
When she heard how
you felt about these babies,
well, she just broke
right down and cried.
Oh, boy. Pretzels.
Anyone seen frasier yet?
Not since he left
last night with candi.
I wonder what they did.
I'm sure they just went
out and had dinner.
I'll bet they had
some dinner, all right.
Yeah, real good dinner,
real fine restaurant, huh?
Actually, the best.
I wonder if the
restaurant was crowded.
I clearly doubt that frasier took
advantage of that young woman.
Come on. Diane, frasier's a guy,
no different from
the rest of us.
There's one difference.
He scored since the
invention of the wheel.
Doesn't have to be a big bell,
as long as we can hear it.
Trust me, he might have
taken pity on that poor girl
and done something
to be nice to her.
Frasier is far too
sophisticated a man
to be swept away by
her transparent charm.
Greetings, one and all.
Say hello to Mrs. Frasier crane.
You're married?
No, we're not married, and
we won't be for a long time.
An hour!
We're gonna tie the
knot right here today
where we met just 16 hours ago,
that is it's ok with
you, Sam. Yeah.
16 hours isn't much time.
That depends on how
you spend those 16 hours.
Hey, Woody, some champagne here.
I mean, this is
quite an occasion.
I mean, I know I'm
responsible for them,
but I didn't even
see that coming.
The thought never
even crossed my mind.
Thoughts can't
cross your mind, Sam.
The bridge is out.
Ok, well, I would like
to propose a toast, then.
This is one that my
father said at my wedding,
and it's kind of
always stuck with me.
Thank god I'm
not paying for this.
Thank you. Thank you all.
Oops, spot!
Look at me.
I'm rumpled and loving it.
Sam, I'll never be able
to thank you enough
for introducing me
to this precious flower.
That goes double for me.
Candi is the
perfect girl for me.
I got so tired of
thinking and dating
at the same time.
But with candi,
I'm no longer frasier
crane, pompous intellectual.
I'm fras, pompous madcap.
And I kind of like him.
Come on, darling,
we'll just stop off at my place
for a quick celebration.
Then we've got a ring to buy
before the justice of the peace arrives.
Oh, fras.
Just a moment, dear.
Um, what is it, Diane?
I hate what I'm about to say.
I pray to god it's not true.
I think you're doing this
to draw me out, to force
me to make a stand.
Please, tell me if I'm wrong,
and I'll be forever silent.
You're wrong. No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Diane.
Ok.
Fine.
He's lost his mind.
Well, cliffie, we got
time for a wedding
on this evening's agenda?
Well, if we put back
the billiard's game,
and, well, we're gonna
miss the first 10 minutes
of "nighttime wheel of fortune."
I hate it when someone
throws a monkey wrench
in the works.
Don't worry, norm.
Look, we'll just
postpone the darts game
until after the vows.
Aren't you forgetting
something, Mr. Organizer?
Today's the day when
"people" magazine comes out.
Yeah. So?
So when are we supposed to
black out celebrity's
teeth? Tell me that.
You know, you're not so dumb.
Thank you, Carla.
Frasier's not my cup of tea,
but as husbands go,
he could be all right.
He won't hurt you,
and I think he'll
always be faithful.
And if he isn't, who cares?
That's kind of beautiful.
Dr. Crane? I couldn't
be happier for you.
She is a beautiful girl.
Thank you, Woody.
My dream is to
someday fall in love
with a beautiful girl and
her to fall in love with me
and we get married and
have three wonderful children
who grow up and move away
from us and hardly ever write.
She and I would grow old
in an empty house
together and die.
I forgot. I also want a boat.
It'll happen for you,
Woody. I know it.
Shall we begin?
May we all gather
down at this end?
My dear.
You look lovely.
You, too, frasier.
But you know what we're missing?
Music.
Music, of course.
Say, anybody play the piano?
I play a little.
Get up there, young man,
and regale us
with your virtuosity.
[Playing heart and soul]
Uh, Woody.
Woody.
I don't think that's
quite right for a wedding.
Oh.
[Plays slower]
It's, uh... Perfect.
Senseless. Madcap.
Frasier would hate it.
Fras thinks it's swell.
Dearly beloved, we're
gathered here to join
this man and this
woman in matrimony.
Marriage is a sacred union
not to be entered into lightly.
If there is any person present
who knows a reason why
this couple shouldn't be united,
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
I do.
Right phrase, wrong wedding.
I have to stop this
and stop it now.
There's something I must say.
I've tried to avoid it, I've tried
to hold my peace, but I can't.
It's urgent. Please.
Sam, help. Let's go, fast.
Uh...
Listen up, everybody.
We'll be back.
In the meantime,
you'll be entertained
by the magic fingers
of Mr. Woody Boyd.
[Playing heart and soul]
Frasier, candi, I
apologize for interrupting
what should be the
most important moment
in a person's life.
I'm compelled to do this
by my affection and
respect for both of you.
Isn't it possible
that in the heat
of recent events,
you might be confusing
physical attraction
for deeper, more
sublime emotions?
You know, in the
psychiatric profession,
we have a statement to
that little theory of yours.
Hah!
Frasier.
You have to admit you and candi
are as different
as night and day,
you are as different
as Sam and I.
Frasier, hear me out.
We were, as you are,
diametrically
opposed personalities.
Oh, at first,
our differences
were charming to us.
I found Sam's lack of refinement
and sophistication...
Crudely provocative.
Yeah, and I liked the way
her hair smelled.
I'm sure in addition
you were excited
by the intellectual vistas
to which I exposed you.
No. I really think it
was that conditioner.
The point I'm trying to make
is that the only thing we had
was a great
physical relationship.
Yeah, and we had a lot of that.
When we'd go to concerts,
Sam would be bored stiff
and I'd be excited,
and we'd be on
totally different planes.
Yeah, but we
caught the same flight
once we got home and
hit the old posturepedic.
Don't you see what
you're doing here?
You feel guilty, as
least subconsciously,
for rejecting me,
and that's causing
you to act out.
For once in your life, frasier,
put away your
flash-card psychoanalysis
and face the truth.
How dare you insult
my professional acumen!
Here's what I...
Candi, please, you were
not put on this earth to think!
Diane, you are
without a doubt...
Oh, my god. What have I
done? What have I said?
You said I'm not here...
No, I know what I said.
I just can't believe I said it.
Candi, I didn't mean it.
Please forgive me.
Yes, you did mean it, frasier.
And what's more, you're right.
I didn't understand
anything anybody was saying
except for Sam.
We can't get married
because I don't deserve you.
No. I don't deserve you.
I don't deserve to put polish
on your toenails.
Although it was the
highlight of breakfast.
Maybe... We should
spend more time together
before we take this step.
You mean...
Like the weekend?
That long?
Well, maybe.
I think you've made
a very wise decision.
I think we'll be going now.
I'm sorry I snapped
at you that way.
It's the first time I've raised
my voice to you in anger,
and I promise it'll be the last.
That's too bad.
I thought you were kind of
sexy when you were mad.
Really? Well, don't just
sit there, get a move on!
Sam, your office
is a pigsty! See to it!
Ooh, frasier.
And you know, if we can
put a man on the moon,
why can't we put
metal in a microwave?
Diane, I got to compliment you
on the way you handled frasier.
That was pretty good.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hate to see
a man and woman
make a mistake.
Frasier and candi.
Frasier and candi.
Well, no, no, I mean,
you got to hang out with
somebody for a long time,
get to really get to know
them before you take a big step.
Yes. If something's worthwhile,
it's worth waiting for.
Absolutely.
Well, lot of people out
there waiting for a wedding.
No bride, no groom.
Guess it's up to us, huh?
My god, Sam.
I can't believe my ears.
You're serious, aren't you?
Oh.
Oh, no. No, I...
I just meant that we
should go out there
and serve those people
some drinks, that's all.
Oh, that's what I meant, too.
No, it isn't.
What did you think
I was talking about?
Come on.
Well, for a moment
there, I confess,
I thought you were talking
about something else.
Uh-huh. And what would
your answer have been?
No, Sam.
That's the sort of question
that has to be asked
before it can be answered.
Well, if I heard the answer,
maybe it would be easier
for me to ask the question.
Very well.
The answer is no.
Well, the question was,
have you ever met a man who
gave you the hots more than me?
I'd like to change my answer.
Fine.
Then the answer is yes.
Well, then the question was do
you want to go to bed with me?
I want to changed
my answer again.
Well, that's ok. I'll
change my question
to is there any way
that you would not object
to not going to bed with me?
Wait a minute.