Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 16 - Cliffie's Big Score - full transcript
Diane rejects Cliff's request to be his date for the postman's ball, so he asks Carla, who will go with him--for a price. But what will he do when Diane reconsiders and decides to go with him?
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Yes, ma'am. Right away.
It's some lady
screaming her head off.
What'd she want?
I don't know. All I could
make out was "two-timing."
Sam, telephone!
Woody, listen up
and learn something.
Sammy here.
Oh! Hey. I thought
you'd like those flowers.
Yeah?
No, no. That
sounds like my note.
"Thanks, for a wonderful evening,
Barbara. I had for a great time."
Of course I know
your name is Karen.
Uh... ha ha! You know,
I see your mistake here.
You see, you didn't
realize that to me,
Barbara means Karen.
Well, because.
Because, uh...
Because Barbara reminds
me of Barbra Streisand,
and... and you know
that song about people?
Well, I am getting to it.
You know the line,
"first be a person
who needs people"?
Well, who was the first person?
All right, but the first
female person was Eve,
and who's the most famous Eve
of all but Christmas Eve, right?
Well, what do you do on Christmas
Eve, but you go caroling, right?
No, I know your
name's not Carolyn.
But after you go caroling,
what you do is, you
carry... In the gifts.
Karen, yeah.
Well, apology
accepted, sweetheart.
I'll talk to you later.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hello, everybody.
Clifford.
Cliff clavin is here to
bid you all glad tidings
and buy drinks
for all my friends.
[Cheering]
All right! What's
the occasion, cliffie?
New air-cushioned
insoles or something?
No, no, no. Better
than that, normie.
My branch office voted
me postman of the year.
[Diane] Oh!
It's a very
prestigious award, too.
Only 267 given out in
the greater Boston area.
We're very proud of you.
Will there be a ceremony?
Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah.
It's traditional to be held
at the gala postman's ball.
Unfortunately, it's not
going to be televised.
I hear it's blacked out
in this area anyway.
But I understand the postmaster
general is going to make the toast.
Wow. A man of his position
helping out in the kitchen.
Only in america.
Ahem, uh, excuse me, Diane?
Mm-hmm?
Can I have a word with you?
Of course.
"I, cliff clavin, would
be ever so honored
"if you, a lady of exquisite
loveliness and taste
"whom I hold in the
highest respect and esteem,
"would accompany me with your
presence at the postman's ball
"on the 18th of this month.
"You would be doing
this only as a friend.
"There is no ulterior motive
"or strings attached.
Thank you for listening."
Cliff, I'd love to.
You would?
Yes, but I have something
else planned that night.
It's all right. I just asked
on the spur of the moment.
I'm sorry, cliff.
No. I mean it. I am.
Oh, poor cliff.
Why? What happened?
Well, he asked me
to his postman's ball,
and I had to tell him I already
have plans for that evening.
What plans?
My cheese club meets that night.
You're going to eat cheese
instead of helping
cliff out on this?
We don't only eat cheese.
We talk about eating cheese.
Come on. Obviously,
it means a lot to him.
All he wants to do is be seen
with a classy-looking chick.
I don't know, Sam.
Look at all the people
who've fallen hopelessly
in love with me with only
the slightest encouragement...
You, frasier...
Yourself.
Well, perhaps I
was being selfish.
There you go.
I'll talk to cliff the
first chance I get.
Thank you.
Diane was crushed when she found
she couldn't go
to the ball with me.
What are you going
to do now, Mr. Clavin?
I'll just have to ask Carla.
Are you nuts? Carla
won't go with you.
She despises you.
Well, just because she
despises me doesn't mean
she can't spend an evening
dining and dancing with me.
Uh... carla?
Can I ask you a favor?
What?
Can we talk in the pool room?
No.
Carla, that wasn't the favor.
Sheesh! There's more?
What I have to endure!
Now... for the kill.
Carla...
"I, cliff clavin..."
"Would be ever so
honored if you, a lady of...
A lady..."
"Would accompany
me with your presence
"at the gala postman's ball
on the 18th of this month.
"You'd be doing
this only as a friend.
"There is no ulterior
motive or strings attached.
Thank you for listening."
Carla.
Carla. Carla.
Carla, this is really
important to me.
I know.
But think of me.
Look, Carla, you don't
have to dance with me,
and I'll buy you a dress.
Nah.
A corsage.
100 bucks!
Nah.
A VCR!
A VCR?
Nice touch, but
I'll have to pass.
Oh...
Good lord! Is that a tear?
Uhh!
I think my greed is
overcoming your repulsiveness.
I'll go.
You'll go? Oh, Carla...
First rule... no physical
contact of any kind.
But, Carla, I'm so happy,
I got to hug something.
Ok, you can hug me...
For 5 bucks.
That's it.
My pleasure.
Well, I got a date with Carla.
Seriously?
Are you kidding?
She fell for me like
a sack of cannolis.
You got to love them,
the little wenches.
Oh, Clifford, may I speak
with you for a moment?
Certainly, Diane.
I've been thinking about it,
and I've decided to
break my engagement
and join you in your
evening of triumph.
You'll go with me?
I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
Normie... norm,
did you hear that?
Diane will go to
the ball with me.
I'm taking Diane to the ball!
Cliff. Cliff, think
just a minute, now.
What's wrong with this picture?
Sam, change for a 20.
What are you talking about?
Oh. Yeah. I forgot.
I'll just have to have
a huddle with the man
who knows almost as
much about women as I do.
Sammy...
Mm-hmm? Yeah?
A word, if you will.
What's up?
I seem to have one of
those situations again...
You know, two dollies lined
up for the same evening.
Does this have to do with
Diane, Carla, and
that postman thing?
Yeah.
Well, fair's fair.
Who said yes first?
Carla.
Well, you just have to tell
Diane you can't go with her.
Make up some excuse.
Tell her that your girl
cousin from Michigan
is in town just for the day,
and that you got to take her.
No, wait a minute.
No, she's already
heard that one.
Clifford, I've been thinking...
You can't go, huh,
Diane? Hey, I understand.
Honestly, you're so insecure.
I was going to say
that I've thought of
the perfect dress to wear,
a sassy little strapless number,
very graceful for dancing,
with my hair up and a hint
of jewelry to catch the eye.
I'm going to make
you very proud.
Now what, Sammy?
This is a tough one.
If Carla finds out
you asked Diane first,
you're going to be dead
before you hit the ground.
Hey, hold on a minute.
All you got to do is
find Carla another date...
Someone better than you.
Hey, Sammy, Sammy,
you are a genius.
Well, thank you.
Listen, when you talk
to her about the guy,
be vague, be general.
Don't get locked
into anybody specific.
Right. Vague. General.
Carla? Uh... How
would you like to go
to the postman's ball with a
guy who looks like Robert redford
and drives a Porsche?
Why aren't I going with you?
Well, there's this buddy
of mine down at the p.O...
You might've seen him in here.
He's been in a couple of times.
Well, son of a gun if he didn't
say he's got a big crush on you.
And, well, he wanted me to
see if you'd go to the ball with him.
This isn't just some
way of getting out
of giving me the VCR, is it?
No. No, no, no.
You'll get everything
I promised.
Plus, the bonus of not
having to go out with you,
which leads me to
believe that this guy
is a bigger loser than you are.
Just forget it, clavin!
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
One who would
like a big-screen TV?
That's the kind.
Hello, everyone.
Woo! Woo! Woo!
[Howls and whistles]
Good heavens. Whoa!
Miss chambers,
you look beautiful.
Thank you. Yeah. Doesn't she?
You know, that just
opens up the floodgates
to a lot of memories.
Why, thank you, Sam
but I don't remember us
ever going to a formal occasion
while we were dating.
No. I was thinking about
the girl I took to my
high school prom.
Just kidding. Just kidding.
Woo!
Miss chambers, can
I tell you something?
Sure, Woody.
You look like a hundred bucks.
Thank you, Woody.
Oh, what am I saying? 200.
Woody, you're turning my head.
Ok. A hundred.
Oh, look out. Here
comes your boyfriend.
Woo! Ow!
Uh, everybody, I'd
like you to meet Lucas.
Lucas, the gang.
[Mumbles]
What?
He said hello.
Lucas is sort of used
to talking to himself.
Oh. Uh...
Well, Lucas, you want
to step on down to the bar
and have something to drink?
[Mumbles]
Oh, Diane, you look beautiful!
Thank you.
Oh, uh, this is for you.
Just a little token
of my affection.
Aww! Aww! Aww!
Thank you, Clifford.
Uh... if you don't
mind my asking,
who is this Lucas fellow
and why is he here?
Oh, we're going to double
with him and his date...
Uh, Carla.
Carla.
Well, I guess they're a match.
Although he does look like he's
been around a mushroom or two.
Oh, cliff.
Gee, this is...
Big.
Big and...
Beautiful.
Why don't you try it on?
Oh, no, no.
Something this big and
beautiful should be preserved.
Don't worry about that, Diane.
That's guaranteed to last
through a 20-knot wind.
Sorry I'm late.
The baby spit up on my dress.
I had to buy a brooch
big enough to cover it.
Real diamond chips. 75 bucks.
Hey...
What is whitey doing
here dressed like that?
Oh, uh, Diane's the only date
I could scrape up
at the last minute.
Oh, yeah?
What are you paying her?
Uh... transistor radio.
Ooh, a cheap date!
I knew it.
[Growling] Arf arf!
Carla, don't you want
to meet your date?
I thought he was supposed
to look like Robert redford.
Well, he does...
From a distance.
Yeah. Mars.
And you'll soon find out
why a planet came to mind.
Carla, I'd like you
to meet Lucas.
Lucas, your date Carla.
[Mumbles]
What did he say?
I can't believe it matters.
I can see this is going
to be a laugh a minute.
An evening with
the stick, the nerd,
and door number three.
You kids have a great time.
Good night.
[Honk honk]
Jimmy, yo.
Well! You two seem to
be getting on pretty well.
Yeah, well...
I sure hate to have
to admit this, clavin,
but tall, dark, and
gruesome here...
Ha ha! Turns out
to be a real groove.
[Mumbling] Ha ha ha!
Not a great dancer, though.
He mashed in the
toes of my shoes.
I'll bill you for a new pair.
I don't believe this.
You should be buying me a VCR.
Just wait a minute.
You're not going to Welch
on our deal, are you?
Carla, come on, will you?
You're making out
like a bandit here.
At least you're getting
some lovin' tonight.
Boy, I made the wrong choice
between you and Diane.
What did you say?
Uh...
I said, "you and Diane
look really choice tonight."
I see.
So where is the stick, anyway?
She's just gone to freshen up.
She'll be out in a
couple of minutes.
You know, I never would
have thought it... you two.
What are you talking about?
Look, I shouldn't
be telling you this,
but when you two guys
went to get some punch,
Diane told me that she
wished you'd come on stronger.
In fact, she said that she
wished that you would do
the one thing to her that
no man has ever done,
I mean not even Sammy...
One thing that makes her crazy.
What? What?
Uh...
Just out of curiosity.
Run your fingers up
and down her arm,
look into her eyes,
and sing misty.
Diane: Sorry to hold you up.
Well, let's be on
our way, Clifford.
Clifford, I want you to know
that I liked your speech best,
out of all 267.
Really?
Absolutely.
Listen, Diane, I
want to thank you
for keeping up the act tonight,
staying by my side.
It wasn't entirely
an act, cliff.
I think tonight was the first time
I saw you with your guard down.
You were yourself,
not some mutation of Sam Malone
trying to impress people
with tales of sexual exploits.
Women don't
really like that, cliff.
They want men to be
sweet and vulnerable.
Then how come
Sammy always scores?
Because he's gorgeous.
I mean, he has low standards.
He'll go out with any floozy
who comes down the pike.
Speaking of pike, how
come we're not we on it?
Uh, I wanted to take
the long way home.
Yeah. I just had the
time of my life tonight,
and I don't want it to end.
Just want to feel the
night wind in my hair
and share the company
of you good people.
I think it's wonderful, cliff.
Yeah. I think tonight
was a real breakthrough for you.
Perhaps we've seen the end
of the old insecure,
arrested adolescent,
and we're seeing the emergence
of the real cliff clavin.
[Engine dies]
Oh!
What? What's wrong?
Darn! We ran out of gas.
Well...
The Gauge reads half full.
Yeah. It always reads half full.
It's stuck there.
I guess in the
excitement of the night,
I just forgot to fill the tank.
Well, what are we going to do?
We're miles from a gas station.
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ I'm as helpless
as a kitten in a tree ♪
♪ and I'm clingin' to a cloud ♪
♪ I can't understand ♪
♪ I get misty ♪
♪ just holding your hand ♪
♪ walk my way ♪
get out.
♪ And a thousand... ♪♪
Now!
Yes, ma'am.
Diane, look, you
don't understand.
I don't know what
happened to me tonight.
Uh... the wine must have
gone to my head, Diane.
Look, you know I hold you
in the highest
respect and esteem,
and would never ever,
do anything to upset you.
Well...
Running out of gas? Really!
We did run out of gas, Diane.
Clifford.
Well, look. Uh...
Would a sign from
god convince you?
Maybe.
All right, uh...
Uh...
Almighty god...
Please, if I'm telling the truth
about this car running
out of gas tonight,
let it start now,
even on an empty tank.
[Engine starts]
Diane, hallelujah!
Oh, hallelujah! Diane! Oh!
Hey!
[Whistling misty]
a live studio audience.
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Yes, ma'am. Right away.
It's some lady
screaming her head off.
What'd she want?
I don't know. All I could
make out was "two-timing."
Sam, telephone!
Woody, listen up
and learn something.
Sammy here.
Oh! Hey. I thought
you'd like those flowers.
Yeah?
No, no. That
sounds like my note.
"Thanks, for a wonderful evening,
Barbara. I had for a great time."
Of course I know
your name is Karen.
Uh... ha ha! You know,
I see your mistake here.
You see, you didn't
realize that to me,
Barbara means Karen.
Well, because.
Because, uh...
Because Barbara reminds
me of Barbra Streisand,
and... and you know
that song about people?
Well, I am getting to it.
You know the line,
"first be a person
who needs people"?
Well, who was the first person?
All right, but the first
female person was Eve,
and who's the most famous Eve
of all but Christmas Eve, right?
Well, what do you do on Christmas
Eve, but you go caroling, right?
No, I know your
name's not Carolyn.
But after you go caroling,
what you do is, you
carry... In the gifts.
Karen, yeah.
Well, apology
accepted, sweetheart.
I'll talk to you later.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hello, everybody.
Clifford.
Cliff clavin is here to
bid you all glad tidings
and buy drinks
for all my friends.
[Cheering]
All right! What's
the occasion, cliffie?
New air-cushioned
insoles or something?
No, no, no. Better
than that, normie.
My branch office voted
me postman of the year.
[Diane] Oh!
It's a very
prestigious award, too.
Only 267 given out in
the greater Boston area.
We're very proud of you.
Will there be a ceremony?
Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah.
It's traditional to be held
at the gala postman's ball.
Unfortunately, it's not
going to be televised.
I hear it's blacked out
in this area anyway.
But I understand the postmaster
general is going to make the toast.
Wow. A man of his position
helping out in the kitchen.
Only in america.
Ahem, uh, excuse me, Diane?
Mm-hmm?
Can I have a word with you?
Of course.
"I, cliff clavin, would
be ever so honored
"if you, a lady of exquisite
loveliness and taste
"whom I hold in the
highest respect and esteem,
"would accompany me with your
presence at the postman's ball
"on the 18th of this month.
"You would be doing
this only as a friend.
"There is no ulterior motive
"or strings attached.
Thank you for listening."
Cliff, I'd love to.
You would?
Yes, but I have something
else planned that night.
It's all right. I just asked
on the spur of the moment.
I'm sorry, cliff.
No. I mean it. I am.
Oh, poor cliff.
Why? What happened?
Well, he asked me
to his postman's ball,
and I had to tell him I already
have plans for that evening.
What plans?
My cheese club meets that night.
You're going to eat cheese
instead of helping
cliff out on this?
We don't only eat cheese.
We talk about eating cheese.
Come on. Obviously,
it means a lot to him.
All he wants to do is be seen
with a classy-looking chick.
I don't know, Sam.
Look at all the people
who've fallen hopelessly
in love with me with only
the slightest encouragement...
You, frasier...
Yourself.
Well, perhaps I
was being selfish.
There you go.
I'll talk to cliff the
first chance I get.
Thank you.
Diane was crushed when she found
she couldn't go
to the ball with me.
What are you going
to do now, Mr. Clavin?
I'll just have to ask Carla.
Are you nuts? Carla
won't go with you.
She despises you.
Well, just because she
despises me doesn't mean
she can't spend an evening
dining and dancing with me.
Uh... carla?
Can I ask you a favor?
What?
Can we talk in the pool room?
No.
Carla, that wasn't the favor.
Sheesh! There's more?
What I have to endure!
Now... for the kill.
Carla...
"I, cliff clavin..."
"Would be ever so
honored if you, a lady of...
A lady..."
"Would accompany
me with your presence
"at the gala postman's ball
on the 18th of this month.
"You'd be doing
this only as a friend.
"There is no ulterior
motive or strings attached.
Thank you for listening."
Carla.
Carla. Carla.
Carla, this is really
important to me.
I know.
But think of me.
Look, Carla, you don't
have to dance with me,
and I'll buy you a dress.
Nah.
A corsage.
100 bucks!
Nah.
A VCR!
A VCR?
Nice touch, but
I'll have to pass.
Oh...
Good lord! Is that a tear?
Uhh!
I think my greed is
overcoming your repulsiveness.
I'll go.
You'll go? Oh, Carla...
First rule... no physical
contact of any kind.
But, Carla, I'm so happy,
I got to hug something.
Ok, you can hug me...
For 5 bucks.
That's it.
My pleasure.
Well, I got a date with Carla.
Seriously?
Are you kidding?
She fell for me like
a sack of cannolis.
You got to love them,
the little wenches.
Oh, Clifford, may I speak
with you for a moment?
Certainly, Diane.
I've been thinking about it,
and I've decided to
break my engagement
and join you in your
evening of triumph.
You'll go with me?
I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
Normie... norm,
did you hear that?
Diane will go to
the ball with me.
I'm taking Diane to the ball!
Cliff. Cliff, think
just a minute, now.
What's wrong with this picture?
Sam, change for a 20.
What are you talking about?
Oh. Yeah. I forgot.
I'll just have to have
a huddle with the man
who knows almost as
much about women as I do.
Sammy...
Mm-hmm? Yeah?
A word, if you will.
What's up?
I seem to have one of
those situations again...
You know, two dollies lined
up for the same evening.
Does this have to do with
Diane, Carla, and
that postman thing?
Yeah.
Well, fair's fair.
Who said yes first?
Carla.
Well, you just have to tell
Diane you can't go with her.
Make up some excuse.
Tell her that your girl
cousin from Michigan
is in town just for the day,
and that you got to take her.
No, wait a minute.
No, she's already
heard that one.
Clifford, I've been thinking...
You can't go, huh,
Diane? Hey, I understand.
Honestly, you're so insecure.
I was going to say
that I've thought of
the perfect dress to wear,
a sassy little strapless number,
very graceful for dancing,
with my hair up and a hint
of jewelry to catch the eye.
I'm going to make
you very proud.
Now what, Sammy?
This is a tough one.
If Carla finds out
you asked Diane first,
you're going to be dead
before you hit the ground.
Hey, hold on a minute.
All you got to do is
find Carla another date...
Someone better than you.
Hey, Sammy, Sammy,
you are a genius.
Well, thank you.
Listen, when you talk
to her about the guy,
be vague, be general.
Don't get locked
into anybody specific.
Right. Vague. General.
Carla? Uh... How
would you like to go
to the postman's ball with a
guy who looks like Robert redford
and drives a Porsche?
Why aren't I going with you?
Well, there's this buddy
of mine down at the p.O...
You might've seen him in here.
He's been in a couple of times.
Well, son of a gun if he didn't
say he's got a big crush on you.
And, well, he wanted me to
see if you'd go to the ball with him.
This isn't just some
way of getting out
of giving me the VCR, is it?
No. No, no, no.
You'll get everything
I promised.
Plus, the bonus of not
having to go out with you,
which leads me to
believe that this guy
is a bigger loser than you are.
Just forget it, clavin!
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
One who would
like a big-screen TV?
That's the kind.
Hello, everyone.
Woo! Woo! Woo!
[Howls and whistles]
Good heavens. Whoa!
Miss chambers,
you look beautiful.
Thank you. Yeah. Doesn't she?
You know, that just
opens up the floodgates
to a lot of memories.
Why, thank you, Sam
but I don't remember us
ever going to a formal occasion
while we were dating.
No. I was thinking about
the girl I took to my
high school prom.
Just kidding. Just kidding.
Woo!
Miss chambers, can
I tell you something?
Sure, Woody.
You look like a hundred bucks.
Thank you, Woody.
Oh, what am I saying? 200.
Woody, you're turning my head.
Ok. A hundred.
Oh, look out. Here
comes your boyfriend.
Woo! Ow!
Uh, everybody, I'd
like you to meet Lucas.
Lucas, the gang.
[Mumbles]
What?
He said hello.
Lucas is sort of used
to talking to himself.
Oh. Uh...
Well, Lucas, you want
to step on down to the bar
and have something to drink?
[Mumbles]
Oh, Diane, you look beautiful!
Thank you.
Oh, uh, this is for you.
Just a little token
of my affection.
Aww! Aww! Aww!
Thank you, Clifford.
Uh... if you don't
mind my asking,
who is this Lucas fellow
and why is he here?
Oh, we're going to double
with him and his date...
Uh, Carla.
Carla.
Well, I guess they're a match.
Although he does look like he's
been around a mushroom or two.
Oh, cliff.
Gee, this is...
Big.
Big and...
Beautiful.
Why don't you try it on?
Oh, no, no.
Something this big and
beautiful should be preserved.
Don't worry about that, Diane.
That's guaranteed to last
through a 20-knot wind.
Sorry I'm late.
The baby spit up on my dress.
I had to buy a brooch
big enough to cover it.
Real diamond chips. 75 bucks.
Hey...
What is whitey doing
here dressed like that?
Oh, uh, Diane's the only date
I could scrape up
at the last minute.
Oh, yeah?
What are you paying her?
Uh... transistor radio.
Ooh, a cheap date!
I knew it.
[Growling] Arf arf!
Carla, don't you want
to meet your date?
I thought he was supposed
to look like Robert redford.
Well, he does...
From a distance.
Yeah. Mars.
And you'll soon find out
why a planet came to mind.
Carla, I'd like you
to meet Lucas.
Lucas, your date Carla.
[Mumbles]
What did he say?
I can't believe it matters.
I can see this is going
to be a laugh a minute.
An evening with
the stick, the nerd,
and door number three.
You kids have a great time.
Good night.
[Honk honk]
Jimmy, yo.
Well! You two seem to
be getting on pretty well.
Yeah, well...
I sure hate to have
to admit this, clavin,
but tall, dark, and
gruesome here...
Ha ha! Turns out
to be a real groove.
[Mumbling] Ha ha ha!
Not a great dancer, though.
He mashed in the
toes of my shoes.
I'll bill you for a new pair.
I don't believe this.
You should be buying me a VCR.
Just wait a minute.
You're not going to Welch
on our deal, are you?
Carla, come on, will you?
You're making out
like a bandit here.
At least you're getting
some lovin' tonight.
Boy, I made the wrong choice
between you and Diane.
What did you say?
Uh...
I said, "you and Diane
look really choice tonight."
I see.
So where is the stick, anyway?
She's just gone to freshen up.
She'll be out in a
couple of minutes.
You know, I never would
have thought it... you two.
What are you talking about?
Look, I shouldn't
be telling you this,
but when you two guys
went to get some punch,
Diane told me that she
wished you'd come on stronger.
In fact, she said that she
wished that you would do
the one thing to her that
no man has ever done,
I mean not even Sammy...
One thing that makes her crazy.
What? What?
Uh...
Just out of curiosity.
Run your fingers up
and down her arm,
look into her eyes,
and sing misty.
Diane: Sorry to hold you up.
Well, let's be on
our way, Clifford.
Clifford, I want you to know
that I liked your speech best,
out of all 267.
Really?
Absolutely.
Listen, Diane, I
want to thank you
for keeping up the act tonight,
staying by my side.
It wasn't entirely
an act, cliff.
I think tonight was the first time
I saw you with your guard down.
You were yourself,
not some mutation of Sam Malone
trying to impress people
with tales of sexual exploits.
Women don't
really like that, cliff.
They want men to be
sweet and vulnerable.
Then how come
Sammy always scores?
Because he's gorgeous.
I mean, he has low standards.
He'll go out with any floozy
who comes down the pike.
Speaking of pike, how
come we're not we on it?
Uh, I wanted to take
the long way home.
Yeah. I just had the
time of my life tonight,
and I don't want it to end.
Just want to feel the
night wind in my hair
and share the company
of you good people.
I think it's wonderful, cliff.
Yeah. I think tonight
was a real breakthrough for you.
Perhaps we've seen the end
of the old insecure,
arrested adolescent,
and we're seeing the emergence
of the real cliff clavin.
[Engine dies]
Oh!
What? What's wrong?
Darn! We ran out of gas.
Well...
The Gauge reads half full.
Yeah. It always reads half full.
It's stuck there.
I guess in the
excitement of the night,
I just forgot to fill the tank.
Well, what are we going to do?
We're miles from a gas station.
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ I'm as helpless
as a kitten in a tree ♪
♪ and I'm clingin' to a cloud ♪
♪ I can't understand ♪
♪ I get misty ♪
♪ just holding your hand ♪
♪ walk my way ♪
get out.
♪ And a thousand... ♪♪
Now!
Yes, ma'am.
Diane, look, you
don't understand.
I don't know what
happened to me tonight.
Uh... the wine must have
gone to my head, Diane.
Look, you know I hold you
in the highest
respect and esteem,
and would never ever,
do anything to upset you.
Well...
Running out of gas? Really!
We did run out of gas, Diane.
Clifford.
Well, look. Uh...
Would a sign from
god convince you?
Maybe.
All right, uh...
Uh...
Almighty god...
Please, if I'm telling the truth
about this car running
out of gas tonight,
let it start now,
even on an empty tank.
[Engine starts]
Diane, hallelujah!
Oh, hallelujah! Diane! Oh!
Hey!
[Whistling misty]