Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 1 - Birth, Death, Love and Rice - full transcript

Cliff: Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Carla, give me a beer.

Right.

What's the story with Sam?

Isn't he back from Italy yet?

Nah. 3 whole days, and
we haven't heard a word.

He just went over there to stop

Diane and frasier
from getting married.

Don't know what could
be taking him so long.

Maybe frasier's
still thanking him.

Hey, I wouldn't
be a bit surprised



if Diane now had a
Malone after her name.

Could be, cliffie.

Italy is an awfully
darn romantic place.

I almost went there
myself on my honeymoon.

Had the plane reservations

and the hotel
reservations... everything.

What stopped you, norm?

Well, Vera, you know,
she insisted on coming.

Bet you want to know
how it went in Italy.

Uh, no.

Not really.

How about you, cliffie?

I'm going to tell you anyway.

Got off the plane and I



took a cab to the Marino estate

where I had been told they
were gonna get married,

but they wouldn't let me in,

so I jumped over
the fence and landed

in the middle of seven
snarling rottweilers.

Rottweilers... comes
from the German word...

Cliff, shut up.

Yes, sir.

Luckily, I outsmarted the dogs

by diving into a moat.

While the police
were fishing me out,

I discovered that

Diane and frasier decided to
get married some place else.

This was right before
they threw me in jail.

Jail? Then how did you get out?

Well, uh...

A local landowner bailed me out.

Actually, he didn't bail me out.

There's a different
system over there.

He purchased me.

It seems, uh...

It seems his ox
died or something.

I really don't want to
talk about this anymore.

I'm gonna be in my office.

Oh, yeah.

One more thing.

I am through with
that woman forever.

I will never think about, see,
or mention her ever again.

And if anyone even uses
the words Diane chambers,

I will have no other choice
but to kill that person.

Bravo! Whew!

Wow. Poor guy.

Who is this Diane
chambers, anyhow?

Who said that?

Whew! Whew! Ow! Ow! Ow!

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

What do you say, norm?

Any cheap, tawdry thing
that will get me a beer.

You seem pretty chipper today.

A few notches up from
your usual abysmal.

Thank you, cliffie.

That's because I have

a little bit of good news here.

What's that?

You know how I've been
trying to get Vera pregnant?

Congratulate me.

Hey, hey!

That's great!

Have a cigar.

Whoa! I think this calls
for some champagne.

Thank you, Sam.

What sex do you want it to be?

Sex? Come on. I thought
you just ask for the vintage.

Wait, wait. I see your mistake.

Vera's not with
child. She just told me

I didn't have to try to get
her pregnant anymore.

Let's celebrate! Come on! Party!

This is amazing.

Hundreds of bottles.

Red and white wine glasses.

High-grade
naugahyde stool covers!

And a brass rail.

And a big city bartender
with a joke at the ready.

You from out-of-town?

Ok, I'll bite.

Yeah. I'm from out-of-town.

Can I help you?

That went right over my head.

Excuse me. My name's Woody Boyd.

Woody. Hi. I'm Sam Malone.

Howdy. I'm a friend of
coach's. Is he around?

I'm sorry, Woody.

I guess you hadn't heard. No,

coach passed away
a couple months ago,

but yeah, I'd like to
think he's still around.

Coach gone.

I can hardly believe it.

Well, he had a lot of friends.

I don't remember him
mentioning a Woody.

Oh, we never met.

We were kind of like pen pals.

You exchanged letters?

No, pens.

It was, it was coach's idea.

Oh, well, that... That figures.

Can I get you
something to drink here?

Soda pop would be good.

Soda pop. Ok.

See, I got in the habit of
writing to the bars in the big city

in the hopes of landing a job.

And once I wrote a letter to cheers,
and coach answered my letter.

I liked him right away,

maybe it was because he was
the only one who wrote back to me.

Woody, uh, you say
you're looking for work?

Well, actually, I came to
Boston on a fact-finding tour.

See, I tend bar back
home in Indiana.

Well, it's not a bar exactly.

It's more like a pig
sty with a jukebox...

If we had a jukebox.

Carla, uh...

I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd.

Woody, this is Carla tortelli.

Hi, ma'am.

Ma'am?

What's that supposed to mean?

I believe it's a
term of respect.

No wonder it sounded so weird.

Who is this guy?

Well, he's a friend of coach's

and he's looking for work.

What do you think? You
want to give him a try?

Me?

Mr. Malone, this is the
proudest day of my life.

I'd work like a slave

and I wouldn't take anything
more than minimum wage.

And of course,
I'd wash your car,

and if you ever need someone
to just, you know, yell at,

I'm your man.

I think we better keep him, Sam.

He wouldn't be
safe on the streets.

Thanks, Carla. What the hell?

Woody, come on around here,

and we'll check you out.

You won't regret it, Mr. Malone.

I love bartending!

You get behind a bar,
and right away strangers

are your best friends, you know?

They call you great names
like buddy, pal, chief, ace.

Here's your apron, sport.

Sport! Another great one.

But listen, let me
make one thing clear.

One mistake, and
I'm out on my butt.

Cliffie, next time you try
to imitate that helicopter,

I think you oughta
chalk up the cues

before sticking
them in your ears.

No kidding. I'd look pretty
silly with chalk in my ears.

Cliff. Norm. Woody Boyd.

Woody's gonna be
helping us out around here.

Hey. Hi.

What's your pleasure, gents?

Make it anything you want.

Now, where I come from,
all anyone ever drinks is beer.

Beer's fine, but any
monkey can pull down a tap.

Why study years to
be an ace mixologist

just to serve beer
after beer after beer?

So what will it be?

Beer.

Same.

So while it's a common belief

that the tyrannosaurus Rex
was the king of the dinosaurs,

as indicated by the
appellative "saurus,"

the smartest of
the spiny reptiles

was actually the thauapatroid.

Whoo-hoo.

Frasier w. Crane.

The man who won the
hand of Diane chambers.

Found out he had to
keep the rest of her.

Hello, Carla. Norm. Cliff.

It's been a long time.

We've got a lot of
catching up to do, huh?

So what's new?

I couldn't begin to tell you.

Well, that's even better.

What's your pleasure?

My life is devoid of pleasure.

You need a good laugh.

You from out-of-town?

Just give me a whiskey, punk.

Punk! Oh! That's great.

Where's Malone?

I mean, where's my
good friend Sam?

Mr. Malone's in his office.

You want me to give him a buzz?

Uh, no, no, no.
I'll surprise him.

Oh, by the way,

any peculiar noises you
hear coming out of that room,

don't let it bother you.

It's just a couple
of old friends

having a little fun together.

Yo. I think my joke
loosened him up a little.

Hello, Sam, old buddy.

Frasier.

What the hell are
you doing here?

Are you alone?

Yes, I'm alone.

I didn't marry Diane.

You didn't?

No, I didn't.

Does that make you happy?

Well, uh...

I'm happy for you.

Just how did you manage that?

She left me at the altar.

I had just vowed to
take her for my wife.

The priest asked her
if she would marry me.

She looked around and
asked if he was talking to her.

He nodded, and she was gone.

Gee, frasier, that's tough.

She just took off,

no explanation or anything?

There was no
explanation necessary.

It was you she loved all along.

And it was the thought of
you that made me lose her.

The story of my humiliation

spread like wildfire
through the university

and then through the
entire Italian countryside.

Everyone knew about it.

Everyone knew about my shame.

No. You must've
been imagining that.

Oh, was I?

Do you know that in soccer...

When a player kicks at the ball,

misses, and falls down,

it's now called a frasier?

That could be a coincidence.

If he's knocked cold,
it's called a frasier crane.

I've lost everything, Malone.

My tenure, my
practice, and my Diane.

My life is ruined,
and it's all your fault.

Now, don't you think
someone should pay for that?

If by someone, you mean
someone in this room,

I can...

I can honestly
answer no, I don't.

Oh, come on.

What are you doing?

The gun's not even loaded.

Certainly, it's loaded.

No, it isn't.

Oh. Of course you know it's not,

because frasier crane
is a harmless person.

He never caused you
a moment's concern,

not a moment's worry.

He was never a threat

to your relationship with Diane,

and he's not a threat now.

Is that it, Sam?

No, it's just the little
holes there are empty.

Once again, you're
ahead of me, Sam.

I just hoped to see you
quaking in your boots

a little bit or something,

but you cheated me even of that.

Whew. Boy.

You're really bent
out of shape over this,

aren't you?

Just out of totally
idle curiosity,

whatever did happen to Diane?

Well, I was recently informed
by my mentor, Dr. Bennett ludlow,

whose care I'm now
under, incidentally...

And believe me, he's
doing a heck of a job.

He told me that she's
at St. anselm's Abbey,

an hour outside of Boston,

with the sisters of
the divine severity.

Whoa, wait. You can't be
a nun if you've already...

She's not becoming
a nun, you idiot!

She's working there.

She's cleaning, serving meals,

wearing sackcloth,
that sort of thing.

You see, after she left me,

Diane embarked upon a
spree of decadence in Italy.

I'd hear stories about
dancing on tables in cafes,

swimming in public fountains,

cavorting with counts
and soccer players.

Well, now, she's doing
penance for la dolce vita.

She's seeking peace.

I hope she's found it.

Diane dancing on table tops?

You mean, my...
your... the Diane?

Yes, all of them.

But now listen, Sam.

You won't go and
see her, will you?

No!

It would be disaster
for everyone.

No, no.

Believe me. I wouldn't do that.

No, I'm over her. You know,

if you know what's good for you,

I think you should
forget about her, too.

Oh, I'll forget about her.

I'll forget about her

when the moon turns to ashes,

and the birds sing nevermore.

There you go.

Well, I'm sorry about
the histrionics, Sam.

Oh, no. You know, it's funny

that even through all this,

I still think of you
as my goombah.

Well, it's best
that I get going.

Well, let's do the
lunch thing some time.

I'd like that, yeah. Take care.

You won't go see her?

No way. No.

Hi, Diane.

Hi, Sam.

Aah!

Calm... calm down here.

I just popped in to say howdy.

You ok?

What the hell...
he... he... heck...

Are you doing here?

I bumped into frasier,

and he told me you'd
checked into a convent,

and I was afraid you
got all squirrelly again.

Thank you for your
carefully-worded concern,

but I assure you I am fine.

Oh, Sam, I was so sorry
to hear about the coach.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Not a day goes by

when I don't miss him terribly.

Me, too.

What helps me, though,
is I always remember

what he used to say
about the afterlife...

"I hope there's
not a lot of stairs."

It's wise in its way.

Sam, you're really
gonna have to leave.

It's wrong for you to be here.

All right, all right.

There's something I
got to say first, though.

All right, fine, but if they
find you, it's your problem.

I'm not covering for you.

You could...

Sister Catherine...

Have you met the rice inspector?

The rice inspector
sent by the archdiocese

to inspect the rice,
which is what they do.

Uh, yes, very good.

Sam, what is it?

Tell me what you have to say

and then leave, please.

Listen, I want you to
come back to cheers.

I don't think you
belong here, Diane.

No, Sam, I do belong here.

Although I'm not of their order,

the sisters took me in,

and working here
among them has...

Helped me find the peace
that had so eluded me.

Besides, if I came
back to cheers,

it would lead to nothing but terrible
problems between you and me.

No, no, it's not
like that anymore.

All I feel for you

is the concern of a friend,

same way I would
for, say, norm or a dog.

You say that,

but you know our passions

always overcome our intentions.

We say it's over,

and yet we still end
up in each other's arms,

hugging and kissing.

Perhaps lightly at first, but...

Then with open mouths,

hungry, probing tongues.

Go on, please.

I appreciate the offer, Sam,

but I'm needed here,

and I need to be here,

and I need to be needed here.

You really mean this, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Well, I guess
that's what matters.

I guess I better be going.

I recognize one of the ladies,

and I think that I'm the reason

why she's here
in the first place.

I'm glad I got to see you.

Yeah, I'm glad I came.

Turned out kind of nice, huh?

Yes, it was good.

I'm glad we had a chance

to end it this way,

cleanly, spiritually,
free of rancor

and sexual tens-tens...

Tension.

Whatever.

Well, this is
where it ends, huh?

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Uh... uh...

I swore I'd never
tell you this ever,

but, uh...

I guess maybe because we're
never gonna see each other again,

but you always used to accuse me

of being an unromantic slob,

but you want to know the truth?

When you called me to tell me

that you were marrying frasier,

I flew on a plane to
Italy to stop the wedding.

I guess I thought I
was in love with you

and that you and I
should be married.

Not that I feel
that way now, but...

I just thought you
ought to know that.

Have a good life. Bye.

Good evening.

Good... good
evening, sister Marie.

I heard that the rice
inspector was here.

He wasn't the rice inspector.

He was... A man from my past.

Say no more. There's
no need to explain.

I feel I must.

I knew you would.

He wanted me to
return to the outside

to the life I used to know.

Oh, by the way, I
hope you like this.

I got a little creative tonight.

Oh, yet again.

Taste it.

At any rate,

I told him that I
wasn't going to leave,

that I'm needed too much here.

Do you think I
am, sister? I mean,

I feel that I'm ready now to...

Leave, to get on with my life,

but I feel so safe here.

What do you think?

Put your faith in god.

I know I'm going to.

Time to do the floors.

These ladies can be so messy.

Rice everywhere.

I haven't done this
since I was a child,

but... when in Rome...

Now, I know there are
far greater problems

in the world than mine,

but I'm feeling as though
I'm at a crossroads,

and I was wondering

if you could give
me a little sign...

To...

Tell me what to do.

Excuse me, hi.

You wouldn't know
where a men's room

was around here, would you?

Sam, would you put a
men's room in a convent?

Right now I would, yes.

Just any sign.

Something...

Oh!

Well...

It's not the parting
of the red sea.

Oh, that's nit-picking.