Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 6 - Coach in Love: Part 1 - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Last call, everybody.

You going to wake norm?

That won't be necessary.

[Beep beep]

One more, and I'm a memory.

Coming right up.

How long was I asleep?

A couple of hours.

You dropped off during
cliff's Florida travelogue.

Yeah. Boy, you
were the lucky one.



Any subject you bring
up he uses as an opening.

Yeah, at least before
he went to Florida,

he was boring on
a range of topics.

Cool it. He's coming.

Don't anybody say
anything about anything.

Look at this, huh? He is risen.

He was snoring away for
quite a while, wasn't he, Carla?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, another day shot, huh?

I guess I'll just slip
off to the old hacienda

and close the peepers.

Good night.

Later.

It's not really later
in Florida, Sammy.



It's a popular misconception.

It's eastern standard
daylight time down there, too.

Speaking of time,

boy, it really stops still
when you're in the everglades.

Boy, they've got huge
gators down there.

You know, gators
are what we who are

familiar with Florida
call alligators.

Yeah, they've got huge
gators and gigantic crocs.

You all know what a croc is?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

The first morning
there was crystalline.

As I was stepping
onto the hydrofoil,

the captain, Billy Bob
dupree, I think his name was,

asked me not to bring
the beach umbrella

because it got caught in
the prop on the way up...

♪ makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Hi. I'm finally here.

Better late than never.

It wouldn't be my choice.

Sorry, Sam. Traffic was awful.

That's ok. What
have we got here?

Just some things,

some things you forgot
a few months ago...

To be opened later,
privately, very discreetly.

Hey, my pants! All right!

I've been looking for these.

Did you find them?
In your bedroom?

A little louder, please,

for the 3 or 4 people in
the Ukraine who didn't hear.

There's more.

I don't know how you got along

without your snoopy toothbrush.

Ooh, nice, Sammy. Very nice.

Mr. Tooth decay better
watch out now, huh, Sam?

I'll have you know

that 4 out of 5 dentists
rate this at the top.

I trust you'll return the favor.

I may have inadvertently
left one or two things

at your place.

I'm almost sure I left
my beige sweater there.

No problem. I'll take
peek under the bed.

Oh, you can keep that little
hand puppet you love so much.

Hand puppet?

Yes. Brian the lion.

Oh, yeah.

Brian the lion.

I remember how you were touched

that I actually gave you
something I had in my childhood.

Yeah, touched. Extremely.

I'll give you five bucks
to run out of the room

right now! Go on.
Scoot. You got it.

No, no. Take this...

Ohh!

Brian?

Oh, yeah, by
golly, in this light,

it does look a
little bit like Brian.

Brian the lion, a bar rag?

Sam Malone, you are the most
insensitive, insufferable boob

I've ever had the
misfortune to run across.

Oh, come on.

It just wasn't meant to work
out between me and Brian.

I wasn't cut out
to be a puppeteer.

That's gotta be a tough thing
for a man to admit in public, huh?

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, please, Diane.

Don't be mad at me. Hmm, please?

Well, I guess I'm overreacting.

Oh, good. Then how
about a little kiss?

Ok.

And put some tongue in it.

Well, Sammy, that'll be five bucks
for my mad dash out of the room.

What was that all about?

Brian the lion was my
dearest childhood pal.

Oh. Then being a grimy bar rag

should be a step up.

Norm, it's a little-known fact

that the word "Florida"
comes from the language

of the okefenokee Indians.

It means literally "where the
old people come to sweat."

Excuse me. Sam, see that
lady there in the green dress?

Yeah.

I'm going to marry her.

You're going to marry
her? I'm gonna marry her.

What's her name?

I don't know her name.
That doesn't mean a thing.

Sam, it's what we
Italians call the thunderbolt.

I had the exact same
thing happen to me

when I first laid
eyes on my Angela.

Coach, don't you think you're
jumping the gun a little bit here?

Cliffy, honest, I
know what I know.

Normie, you think I should I go
over there and introduce myself?

Yeah, I think it's best.

It eliminates that
awkward first meeting

at the altar.

Coach... that is the
most romantic thing

I've ever heard in this bar.

Whoa, wait a minute.
Thank you diane/

wait a minute. What about when I
invited you to my nude limbo party?

Christmas Eve was
a bad time for it, Sam.

Ah. Maybe so.

Trouble is, you're a little
outnumbered over there, coach.

Yeah, coach, I think
you need somebody

to run interference
with her young friend.

You're absolutely right. Sam,
would you go over there with me?

Yeah. Sam would've been my pick.

Coach, I'm gonna
be blunt with you.

Her friend's cute and all that,

but she doesn't have what
I'm looking for in a woman.

What's that, breakaway clothes?

No, no. She just looks a
little too tame for me, that's all.

Come on, coach, you got to
look at it from my point of view.

I mean, I only have
so many nights.

And I'd trade all of
mine for one of yours.

No, you wouldn't.

Oh, yeah. I'd throw
in my left lung, too.

Please come over there
with me. I'd appreciate it.

Oh, boy. You know, the
things I do for you, coach.

Oh, thank you, Sam.

Gee, I haven't done
this in such a long time.

Look at my hands.
They're sweaty.

Thank you, Sam.

Coach, I'm gonna tell you
what you used to tell me

when I was nervous and going
out to the mound in late innings.

What?

Blow it, and I don't know you.

I should've written some
of those things down.

You ready? Yeah. Let's go.

Good evening, ladies.

Hi. My name's Sam Malone,

and this is my
friend Ernie pantuso.

You can call him coach.

We were wondering if you
ladies could settle a bet for us.

Are you two sisters?

[Laughter

my name's Irene Blanchard,

and this is my
daughter sue Blanchard.

Hi. How are you?

Sue.

Pleased to meet you.

Yes.

Listen, we don't
mean to intrude here.

You girls waiting
for your husbands?

No. Neither of us is married.

Well, I'll see what
I can do about that.

Would you care to join us?

Well, thank you, yeah.

Yeah, thank you very much.

You 2 ladies out
on the town tonight?

No. Actually we just
dropped by to Rob the place.

Everybody do as they say
and nobody will get hurt!

No, coach. That was a joke.

Well, I really enjoy
a sense of humor.

I mean, with me,
it's an absolute must.

Is that a player
piano over there?

Ha ha!

Coach, coach,
that was not a joke.

Oh. Well, I like

a serious side to someone, too.

Yes, that is a player piano.

Would you like to see it?

Yes. I haven't seen one
since I was a teenager.

When was that, last summer?

Oh, Mr. Pantuso,
you're a sly one.

If I didn't know better,

I'd think you were trying
to steal my heart away.

I'd rather have it given to me.

Come on.

Sam, I'm not going
too fast for you, am I?

No, I'm just waiting
for an opening, coach.

Opening? You could drive
a truck through this one.

Well, here we are.

Man. Woman.

Cool evening breeze.

Full moon.

Need I say more?

Only if you want me to know
what you're talking about.

I'm sorry. That was my cute way

of inviting you out to dinner
and an evening of romance.

Oh. Well, that's a
very tempting offer,

but mother and I
haven't been out

for, oh, months.

Oh, well, I understand.

Just my luck, huh?

Well, I tell you, if you
change your mind,

there will be a moonbeam
with our name on it.

Excuse me, sue, but Ernie wants to take
me to dinner at his favorite restaurant.

I know you won't mind because
we've had dinner together

every night this week.

Ahem. Very funny book.

Don't wait up.

Sam, this is ok
with you, isn't it?

Sam, is this ok with you?

Oh, yeah.

Good night. Don't worry.

I'll have her back by Thursday.

Excuse me. You
did say you and mom

hadn't been out to
dinner for months?

Yes. I'm afraid I've
been caught in a lie.

You were lying to
get out of dating me?

Well, I'm sorry.

I was only trying to
let you down easy.

You were trying to
let me down easy?

The fact of the
matter, Mr. Malone,

is that you're not my type.

I'm not your type? Ha!

You know, you're not
adding a lot to this chat.

I'm not adding
a lot to this chat?

Really, I'm sorry.
What can I say?

The initial attraction
just isn't there.

I'm sorry.

No problem. Are you kidding me?

I was just inviting you
out to help out my pal.

The truth is, you're
not my type, either.

Well, fine. No harm done.

No, none. I mean, there's
nothing's going on here.

No magic, no spark,
no reason to continue.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Well, I'm not doing
anything tomorrow,

but what does it matter?

I'm not interested in you.

Right. We
established that, right.

Thursday? Friday?
Saturday? This week?

Hey, I don't want
to go out with you!

Oh. Ok, norm, so he blew one.

He's not a god.

He was to me.

There, there.

My world doesn't
make sense anymore.

What's going on here,
Sammy? What went wrong?

Boy, you know, if you ask me,

that girl's got a big problem.

You're right. It's
called good taste.

Oh, well, there you go.

That explains it. Yeah.

TV: It's the bottom of
the ninth with two outs.

The sox need a miracle.
With the tying run on first...

Carla, look, sox are
rallying. Ninth inning.

I've sworn off
those losers forever.

Deep to right...

I am not interested.

It's going, going...

I retract that! Way to go, sox!

Oh, it's caught.
That will do it.

You know, I don't ask
for much in this life.

Fresh fish,

10 cents off on
laundry detergent,

volcanic boils all
over my ex-husband,

and the sox in the
series again before I die.

You're a good woman, Carla.

Ah, shove it.

Did you remember to
bring my sweater in tonight?

Your... I'm sorry.
I forgot that again.

Don't worry. I promise, I'll
bring it in tomorrow night.

Please. I have to
remind you every night.

Well, that's ok. It gives me a chance
to throw it in the washing machine.

For god's sake, don't
throw it in the wash.

It's hand-spun lamb's wool.

It will shrink up to nothing.

Uh-huh. Well, shrink.

Yeah, I'm glad we
had this little talk.

I didn't realize that.

Um...

Uh, you know, um...

Since I'm going to have
to part with that sweater,

could you tell me where I might
be able to get one exactly like it?

Sorry, Sam. I bought
it in Ireland years ago.

It's one of a kind.
Totally irreplaceable.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So if a guy had been
spending the whole morning

going from one
department store to the next,

he'd have been wasting his time?

Ah!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's clean.

Sam, how could you?

Oh, come on. Don't
be small about this.

I hate you.

Well, don't you want this?

What in the world
is it good for?

Well...

Did you ever see that movie

the incredible shrinking woman?

I pray to god it
never happens to you,

but you never know...

[indistinct]

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Ta da da da da da ♪

♪ da Dee Dee da ♪

oh, hey, coach, I think I
know somebody who's in love.

Oh, good. Buy
him a beer. So am I.

No, coach, I meant you.

Oh, no, I don't need a beer.

I'm just too
happy as it is, cliff.

Sam, I'm sorry things with
you and sue didn't work out.

Don't worry about it.

Who needs that walking
frigidaire, anyway?

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Ta da da da da da ♪

♪ da Dee Dee da ♪

just goes to show,

love can strike
anywhere, anytime.

It doesn't ask your name.

It doesn't ask your age.

It asks only...

How big are your bazongas?

You are naughty.
You are naughty.

I should have known

the beauty of this
moment was lost on you.

Haven't you realized yet

there's a great difference

between the coach's
affaire de coeur

and your animal cravings?

Tap your cloven
hoof twice for yes.

Coach, isn't it your
night off tonight?

Yeah, it's my night
off. Irene's coming in,

and I'm taking her up
to melville's for dinner.

Oh, whoa, better
dig deep, coach.

It's pretty expensive
up north there.

I've been saving for
a couple of weeks.

This is a very special evening.

I think it's wonderful
you 2 found each other.

You radiate such bliss.

You want to know why?

It's because we got
so much in common.

We both love music.
We both love Italian food.

She's a widow. I'm a widower.

She's a hairdresser. I got hair.

And get this, Diane...

Neither of us have
ever been to Utah.

Whoa, that's scary.

Norm, you know what the back
of my neck looks like normally.

Check now.

Ooh, every hair at attention.

Except for that one.

Snap to, mister! Get up! Hyah!

I realize I've only known
her for three weeks,

but this is the night.

I'm going to ask
her to marry me.

Oh, coach.

All right!

All right!

Come here, you little devil.

Listen, you've been
single for a long time.

You sure about this?

Sure, I'm sure, Sam. You
know something, Sam?

I think even my Angela

would have liked this lady,

don't you?

Yeah, I think she would have.

I figured why put it off?

You know, we're
both not kids anymore.

The thing is, I don't
quite know how to ask her.

Anybody got any suggestions?

The only proposal I've
ever heard was Nick's.

Well, it worked.
What did he say?

"Hey, Carla, I knocked you
up, and you know where I live,

so I guess I have to."

Not bad.

Now, moving on to
the higher primates...

Hey, hey, hey.

Normie, how did
you propose to Vera?

Well, I...

You know something?

I don't think I did.

You think there
could be a loophole

in this terrible tragedy?

Not if you consummated it.

Egads! Why couldn't we have had

this conversation yesterday?

Well, now, I've written
down a few ideas,

and I guess they're
gonna have to do the trick.

Normie, should I ask
her before we order?

Because I don't want to ask her

with something
sticking in my teeth,

especially if it's green.

Yeah. Why don't
you just play it safe

and drape a napkin
over your head.

Not bad. Not bad.

Hi, Ernie.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Are you ready for the
best dinner of your life?

Ernie, every dinner
I have with you

is better than
the one before it.

Aw. Aw. Aw.

No, no, no, no.

What's the matter?

This is Wednesday.

Every Wednesday
up at melville's,

the vegetable is spinach.

Spinach is green.

You know what that means, right?

So please sit down. I've
got a couple questions.

What I want to say is...

Wait a minute.

I've got, uh...

Irene, uh...

"I'm not a rich man."

I'm not a young man.

I'm not a handsome man.

I'm not a tall man.

I'm not a strong man.

I'm not a talented man.

I'm not a well-traveled man.

I'm not a smart man.

I'm not a milkman.

I'm not a fat man.

"I'm not a gingerbread man..."

What are you trying to say?

Oh, I don't need
a piece of paper

to tell you what
my feelings are.

Irene, uh...

Well, maybe I do.

Uh...

"Irene, I'm not a rich man.

I'm not a young man..."

Coach. Coach.

Oh, yeah. Look, I'm...

Irene, what I'm trying to say is

that I love you, and I
want you to marry me,

but I can't find
the words to say it.

You've said all the
words you need to.

I'd love to be your wife.

She said yes!

Oh!

Fantastic!

I guess this seems to be
the time for the bartender

to pour some champagne.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sam.
What am I thinking?

No, coach, coach,

I got it.

There have been many
celebrations in this bar,

but none as joyous
and as inspiring

as what we are
experiencing here.

Wasn't it swinburne
who first said...

[telephone rings]

I'll get it. I'll
get it. I'll get it.

Relax.

I'm the bartender.

[Ring]

Cheers.

Oh, well, hello, sue.

Irene, it's your daughter.

Well, this is a
surprise. Ha ha ha ha.

I've been expecting this
phone call for a long time.

Ok. Commence begging.

Sam.

Sam Malone.

Yeah, she's here.

She wants to talk to you.

Sam, you seem to be
working awfully hard

to get a date with a woman

who obviously
wouldn't cross the street

to spit in your hair.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

She will when she
gets to know me.

What's wrong, sweetheart?

I just... What?

I can't believe it.

Ernie...

I won the lottery.

$2 million!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my god. 2 million bucks.

I think I'm a little woozy.

Sam, get some Brandy.

Make it the good
stuff. She can afford it.

Oh, good.

Look, look, Irene,
whatever you do,

don't tell me that was
the only lottery ticket

you ever bought even if it was.

It's a deal.

I knew it! Sam!

I think we ought to
have a drink to celebrate.

I'm buying.

I thought of that, too.

I can't believe it!

I'm stinking rich!

Listen, I better go up and
tell Vic we'll be a little late.

Oh, boy, what a night!

Oh, my goodness.
How about that, Irene?

What a night for you, huh?

Imagine. Two such
wonderful developments

in a matter of minutes.

Yes. I won the lottery!

And...

What was the other thing?