Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 4 - Fairy Tales Can Come True - full transcript
Everyone at the bar is in costume, which means it's Halloween. Late arrival Cliff is dressed as Ponce de Leon, who is still going on about his trip to Florida. The gang get into an argument about Cliff and women, specifically that he never seems to have been on a date. Then, as Cliff is boring a bar patron about Florida, a woman dressed as Tinkerbell shows some interest in him. They have a good time that evening as Ponce and Tinkerbell, and decide to meet the following night as their real selves at the bar, which means that Cliff will be going on an actual date. Will Cliff actually go through with meeting the woman underneath the Tinkerbell façade? Meanwhile, Diane, with an extra ticket and no Frasier available, takes Sam to the Boston Pops with Frasier's blessing. Diane isn't nervous about being on a "date" with Sam until they're ready to go home.
"And his eyes
have all the seeming
"of a demon's that is dreaming,
"and the lamplight
o'er him streaming
"throws his shadow on the floor
"and my soul from
out that shadow
"that lies floating on the floor
shall be lifted... Nevermore!"
Mmm! Oh!
Boy, doc, you
tell great stories.
That... was poe.
Don't be modest. It was great!
So, who's next to chill
us with a scary story, eh?
Well, I think I
have a chilling tale.
Yeah, but it's cute
when you wiggle it.
I got the greatest
ghost story ever told.
Now, it seems that
Casper got caught in
this huge laundry
basket full of sheets.
Don't finish it, coach. Some of
us want to be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah, you're right, Carla.
It's best that I
live with it myself.
My god, what a horrible sight!
Speaking of horrible
sights, coach,
take a look at... This!
Aah!
Gary portnoy: ♪ makin'
your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Two vodka rocks with a twist.
Well, frasier,
didn't I tell you that Halloween
at cheers would be fun?
Yes, but I won't
hold it against you.
Listen, I was able
to get those 2 tickets
for the Boston
pops tomorrow night.
Oh, wonderful!
Oh, you guys are going
to the Boston pops, huh?
Oof, I'm jealous.
You sound like a fan, Sam.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, the Boston pops
was the one cultural event
albeit heavily sugar-coated,
that Sam genuinely liked.
Yeah, yeah. I
especially liked the, uh...
"18-somethingth overture."
1812.
Hey, you really
know your stuff. Yeah.
You know, till Diane
dragged me to that concert,
I never realized
just how many years
of practice and
dedication it takes
to become a classical musician.
Well, anyone in
particular impress you?
Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy on
the cannons. He's incredible.
You know, I mean, I actually
thought about taking it up myself,
but I think it's
one of those things
that you have to start when
you're very, very young.
Yes. They say to be
truly great, you do, yes.
Yeah.
You know,
sometimes, I think that
Sam is actually pretending to
be less intelligent than he really is.
But how intelligent
would someone have to be
to successfully pretend
to be that dumb?
Phew. Boy.
I'm not even sure
that I could pull it off.
Oh, yes, you could.
Eww. Yuck!
I'm sorry, Carla,
if we offended you
with our public
display of affection.
But try to understand.
Frasier crane has the
same effect on me that
cheap chianti and dice hanging
from a rear view mirror have on you.
Boy, you got it bad.
Hello, everyone, and a
happy all hallows' Eve.
Guess who I am.
Cliff clavin.
No, coach. Let
me give you a hint.
I went to Florida to find
the fountain of youth.
Cliff clavin.
No, coach. I'm ponce de Leon.
Well, I think your
ears are too big.
What, for ponce de Leon?
No, for you, cliffie.
I don't know, coach.
I happen to be very
proud of my big ears.
I mean, a lot of women
consider them erogenous zones
during heavy petting.
Are you kidding? You
never had a date in your life.
That's only because
he's never had the guts
to ask a girl out. [Laughs]
It's got nothing
to do with guts.
It's just that type of
woman you find up here
on the northeastern
seaboard bore me.
See, I prefer your
southern belles,
you know, the kind of women
you find down there in Florida.
Oh, no! He's going to
go on about Florida again!
Hey, hey, hey.
Suffice it to say,
when I was down there, I
was covered with women.
Sure they weren't mosquitoes?
Yeah. Thank you, Bob hopeless.
I think I'll just go in the back
and scope out the dollies.
Why don't you guys
lighten up on cliff, huh?
Sorry, Sam, but you got to admit
it's a little bit
weird, isn't it?
I mean, he's never been married.
I've never even seen
him with a woman.
Hey, norm. He's your best
friend. Is he gay or what?
I can't believe
what I'm hearing!
You can't tell a gay
guy by his appearance!
We had an outfielder on
the Red Sox, Duke Roberts.
I mean, he never got married,
he never went with girls,
he even wore those
fancy Italian shoes.
And he lived with a
guy who was a florist,
and Duke wasn't gay.
Yes, he was, coach.
Huh?
He was?
You think he'd
like to meet cliffie?
Oh, come on.
Come on, guys. Cliff
is not gay, all right?
He's just shy around women
to the point of being
a blithering idiot.
Diane, that was a colleague
of mine on the phone,
a reichian analyst.
He's taken ill.
He wants me to take his place
tomorrow at an all-day seminar
on multiple personality at
the university of Chicago,
so I got to go home and pack.
We won't be able
to go to the concert.
Well, I won't, but
you can still go.
Listen, take along
a friend, and...
Well, Sam indicated
some interest.
Sam?
I think I could find more
stimulating company
for the concert.
I wouldn't have
to look any farther
than the nearest petri dish.
But once again, I am startled
by how far you are above
petty emotion like jealousy.
Well, I just figured it was time
Sam learned to appreciate
instruments without fuses.
Ha ha ha!
Good-bye, my tiny Alice.
Good-bye, my mad mad hatter.
Ha!
Well, there are many theories
as to why the Florida orange
is far superior to its
California counterpart.
Now, I personally think it's
the trace mineral element
in the floridian water.
Uh, that's obviously due to
the frequency of the typhoons
and the nitrogen-rich
alligator guano.
Now, uh, furthermore,
there's, uh...
Say! I just remembered
I left my oven on.
If I hurry home, I can
stick my head in it.
Florida oranges are delicious.
What? Nothing, nothing.
Uh... have you,
uh, been to Florida?
No, but it's always been
a crazy dream of mine to go.
I read that they have
the world's largest pair
of alligator shoes there.
That's right! In Orlando!
I even sat in one of them.
Wow! Yeah.
Uh, w-what's your name?
Tinker bell. What's yours?
Me? Uh... I guess
it's ponce de Leon.
Oh, the fountain-of-youth
guy that discovered Florida!
[Gasps] Would you marry
me and bear my children?
Say, would you
like to go in the back
and maybe play some pool,
or as they say in Tallahassee,
"shoot some pocket billiards"?
I'd love to, Mr. Leon.
Oh, please, call me ponce.
It looks like you're out to
conquer new territories, ponce.
Holy god!
♪ Day after day
♪ I still believe in love
♪ you are the one
♪ one that I'm dreaming of
♪ I love you
♪ I love
♪ you oh...
Did anyone ever tell you
you dance divinely, ponce?
Yeah, someone did
mention it to me the other day.
Let's see. Was that
cortes or pizarro?
[Laughs]
Sam, I'm ready to go.
Would you hand me my purse?
I'll put a new tune
on the jukebox.
Oh, I'm not using a
pair of tickets tomorrow
for the Boston pops.
Uh, you're welcome to
have them if you're interested.
Uh... no. No. No, thank you.
Oh, you'll enjoy it!
The program is an evening
filled with fireworks
and laser beams,
occasionally interrupted
with the music of gershwin.
Ah, no... pffoo, boy!
I just can't think
of who I'd take.
Most of the women I date don't
like music they can't dance to.
Most of the women you date
don't like music they
can't shed clothing to.
How come you don't want to go?
Oh, I do, but
frasier's out of town.
I can't think of anyone
I'd like to go with.
Uh-huh.
I guess frasier would feel
uncomfortable if you and I went, huh?
No. Actually he suggested it.
Ah, well, so you'd be
uncomfortable, huh?
Not at all.
While you still harbor
tortured longings for me,
the emotions are so
completely unreciprocated,
I don't see why we
shouldn't go together.
Then it's a date.
Um, no, not a date. I
mean, not a date-date.
Well, it's, uh...
What would you call an
evening out with a woman
when you have absolutely no hope
of physical involvement
whatsoever?
A first.
[Music slows and stops]
I'm sorry.
Well, I guess it's time I be
heading back to never-never land.
Let me walk you
back to your car.
Oh, no, no! That's ok.
It's right outside here.
But I just want to know when
we're going to see each other again.
Actually, we haven't
seen each other at all yet.
I know!
Let's meet tomorrow night
right here on this very spot
as ourselves at 8:00.
Ok.
And... and... Don't
you be a minute late.
Nice enough young
person, huh, Sam?
Way to go, cliffie!
What do you mean,
way to go, cliffie?
You know, if I didn't know you,
I'd say that you were
pretty smooth tonight.
Oh, Sam, I think I
resent that a little bit.
No, that's ok. You
probably just think
you know me a lot better
than you really do, huh?
No, Sam. Tonight wasn't
really all that unusual for me.
Come on, cliff.
No, no, Sam, it was
commonplace, really.
Cliff.
What? Ok.
3, 2, 1...
Hurray, I got a date! [Laughs]
Thank you, Sam. Yeah.
Whoo!
Well, here we are.
Yeah. Thank you
for the ride home,
and thank you very
much for the concert.
Boy, I tell you,
you know, that...
That gershwin's a genius.
[Vocalizing "rhapsody in blue"]
[Imitating fireworks]
[Laughs] Yeah.
The Mark of a great composer,
when an audience leaves
humming your fireworks.
I had a great time.
Me, too.
I haven't had such
a good time since...
That's ok. I know when you
stopped having good times, Diane.
It goes without saying that I
would have had a better time
if I had gone with frasier.
Me, too.
Thanks for a lovely evening.
By the way, how did
you like our first outing
with no promise or threat
of sexual encounter?
You're not out that door yet.
Hmm hmm!
[Indistinct] Aah! Aah!
Good evening, everybody.
Uh...
Hey, uh...
Can I have a beer,
please, coach?
Hey, this one's on me, coach.
Oh, thanks, norm.
Got it. Yeah.
Cliffie, ahh...
Ha ha! Yeah...
Well...
"Well..." what? "Ahh..."
Hee hee hee!
Well, last I saw, you
were dancing together.
Yeah, so?
So... you know...
No, norm. I don't "know."
He wants to know if
you boinked her, ya dink.
Norm!
Good god, norm!
Don't you know that
psychologists believe
that one night of
meaningless pleasure
can just get in the way of any
kind of long-term commitment?
Is that true, Sam?
I rely on it.
She's, uh, meeting
me here tonight at 8:00.
8:00? Cliff, I
don't believe this.
You're meeting a
woman in 15 minutes?
I don't believe
how calm you are.
Oh, hey, come on,
norm. Don't tell me
that you, too,
subscribe to that myth
about my discomfiture
with women?
Cliffie, I was there one night
a woman asked
you what time it was.
You swallowed the
lower half of your face.
Well, norm, obviously you know
nothing about body language.
That gesture is replete
with erotic messages.
To a baboon, maybe.
All right, all right, all right.
I admit that in the past,
I've been a little
shy around women,
but you know, I've
been thinking about it,
and I don't think there's
been any real reason
for my, you know, insecurities.
As a matter of
fact, uh, watch this.
Sammy. Lighter.
May I?
Thank you.
Uh, you're very welmmnb.
I mean, you're...
You're welcomnbm.
Ahem! You're welcambumn.
You're very,
extremely walaumbah.
You're... you're wolabah!
Wahlaha helaha. Hacah!
I think he's too damn
smooth for his own good.
No, n... n...
I'm such a wimp, I'm such
a wuss, I'm such a weenie.
God, am I a dink!
Cliff, I know you're
nervous about meeting a girl,
but this one's different.
You know her already.
You danced with
her all night long.
I didn't dance with her, norm.
Ponce de Leon danced with her.
No, you danced with her!
Oh, it wasn't me. I
was just playing a role.
Tonight, I'm me...
middle-aged, tongue-tied yutz!
All right, cliff. I want you
to listen to me for a minute.
There's been a lot talk
about you in this bar recently.
And the one who always
winds up defending you is me.
I don't mind. That's
what best friends are for.
But it's almost 8:00, cliffie,
and the one woman in the world
weird enough for you to have a shot at
may be standing
right outside that door!
You blow this, I don't
even want to look at you.
Oh, stop it, will you,
norm? Knock it off.
Norm!
Normie!
Ok. I'll go out there.
Thanks.
I love you, big guy!
Give her a try first.
If it doesn't work
out, we can talk.
Come on, cliffie.
If she comes downstairs now
and sees you standing there,
she's going to know you've
been there for 6 hours.
I mean, that looks
pretty... pretty desperate.
So?
That's the way it is, isn't it?
This is what love comes to.
I want to remember this, Sammy.
Somebody take my picture.
Come on, cliff. Come on.
Come on. It's on me. Come on.
Sit down.
I guess you're right.
No more illusions
about happiness for me.
I'm just going to sit right here
and drink myself into oblivion.
No, you're not.
You'd just have 2
problems that way.
Aw, why did she stand me up?
That does it. From now on,
I'm going to let my grooming
and appearance go right to hell.
And you think the
results will be noticeable?
Thank you, Carla.
I want abuse
piled on me tonight.
Maybe I'll get it
through my thick head
that I'm nothing but a loser.
You know what my
nickname was in high school?
No. You never told us.
That's because I
didn't have one, coach.
I tried to get one started...
You know, made it up myself.
Courteous cliff.
[Laughs]
Courteous cliff.
As long as you're
making it up yourself,
couldn't you have
done a little better?
Eh, I didn't want to
arouse suspicion, normie.
You know, I hear there's a
tribe of men in the middle east
called the essenites.
They're entirely celibate.
They live without women.
And rumor has it that they are
the happiest men in the world.
Tomorrow, I'm going to
send for their brochure.
[Telephone rings]
Hello. Cheers.
No. There's no
ponce de Leon here!
We don't have prince
Albert in the can!
Why don't you do
your homework...
Coach, coach, coach, I
think that might be for me.
Oh.
Hello?
Yeah.
Really?
No. I understand. I...
Yeah, I... I understand.
Ok. All right. Bye.
Isn't that something?
She was afraid to meet
me without her mask on.
I actually made a woman nervous.
That's incredible, isn't it?
So, you two going
to get together?
Yeah. She's at a pay
phone across the street.
She said she's
coming right over.
All right. Way to
go, cliffie. Yeah.
Well, let's not stand here.
We'll be up here.
Come here. Ok.
Thank you, coach.
Cliff, we don't want
to have to eavesdrop,
so keep your
stupid remarks loud.
[Footsteps]
Hello.
Hi.
Uh...
I'm club cloofin.
Sorry.
I'm cliff... Clavin.
I'm Harry o'share...
Sharon hare.
I mean, I'm Sharon O'Hare.
[Coins clink]
[Rattles]
[Romantic music playing]
♪ Days turn to weeks
♪ when you're so far from me
♪ I tell myself
♪ you're so precious for me ♪
♪ I love you
♪ I love
♪ you
♪ time after time
♪ when I'm thinking of you
♪ I realize
♪ all the things that we'll do ♪
♪ I love you...
have all the seeming
"of a demon's that is dreaming,
"and the lamplight
o'er him streaming
"throws his shadow on the floor
"and my soul from
out that shadow
"that lies floating on the floor
shall be lifted... Nevermore!"
Mmm! Oh!
Boy, doc, you
tell great stories.
That... was poe.
Don't be modest. It was great!
So, who's next to chill
us with a scary story, eh?
Well, I think I
have a chilling tale.
Yeah, but it's cute
when you wiggle it.
I got the greatest
ghost story ever told.
Now, it seems that
Casper got caught in
this huge laundry
basket full of sheets.
Don't finish it, coach. Some of
us want to be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah, you're right, Carla.
It's best that I
live with it myself.
My god, what a horrible sight!
Speaking of horrible
sights, coach,
take a look at... This!
Aah!
Gary portnoy: ♪ makin'
your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Two vodka rocks with a twist.
Well, frasier,
didn't I tell you that Halloween
at cheers would be fun?
Yes, but I won't
hold it against you.
Listen, I was able
to get those 2 tickets
for the Boston
pops tomorrow night.
Oh, wonderful!
Oh, you guys are going
to the Boston pops, huh?
Oof, I'm jealous.
You sound like a fan, Sam.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, the Boston pops
was the one cultural event
albeit heavily sugar-coated,
that Sam genuinely liked.
Yeah, yeah. I
especially liked the, uh...
"18-somethingth overture."
1812.
Hey, you really
know your stuff. Yeah.
You know, till Diane
dragged me to that concert,
I never realized
just how many years
of practice and
dedication it takes
to become a classical musician.
Well, anyone in
particular impress you?
Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy on
the cannons. He's incredible.
You know, I mean, I actually
thought about taking it up myself,
but I think it's
one of those things
that you have to start when
you're very, very young.
Yes. They say to be
truly great, you do, yes.
Yeah.
You know,
sometimes, I think that
Sam is actually pretending to
be less intelligent than he really is.
But how intelligent
would someone have to be
to successfully pretend
to be that dumb?
Phew. Boy.
I'm not even sure
that I could pull it off.
Oh, yes, you could.
Eww. Yuck!
I'm sorry, Carla,
if we offended you
with our public
display of affection.
But try to understand.
Frasier crane has the
same effect on me that
cheap chianti and dice hanging
from a rear view mirror have on you.
Boy, you got it bad.
Hello, everyone, and a
happy all hallows' Eve.
Guess who I am.
Cliff clavin.
No, coach. Let
me give you a hint.
I went to Florida to find
the fountain of youth.
Cliff clavin.
No, coach. I'm ponce de Leon.
Well, I think your
ears are too big.
What, for ponce de Leon?
No, for you, cliffie.
I don't know, coach.
I happen to be very
proud of my big ears.
I mean, a lot of women
consider them erogenous zones
during heavy petting.
Are you kidding? You
never had a date in your life.
That's only because
he's never had the guts
to ask a girl out. [Laughs]
It's got nothing
to do with guts.
It's just that type of
woman you find up here
on the northeastern
seaboard bore me.
See, I prefer your
southern belles,
you know, the kind of women
you find down there in Florida.
Oh, no! He's going to
go on about Florida again!
Hey, hey, hey.
Suffice it to say,
when I was down there, I
was covered with women.
Sure they weren't mosquitoes?
Yeah. Thank you, Bob hopeless.
I think I'll just go in the back
and scope out the dollies.
Why don't you guys
lighten up on cliff, huh?
Sorry, Sam, but you got to admit
it's a little bit
weird, isn't it?
I mean, he's never been married.
I've never even seen
him with a woman.
Hey, norm. He's your best
friend. Is he gay or what?
I can't believe
what I'm hearing!
You can't tell a gay
guy by his appearance!
We had an outfielder on
the Red Sox, Duke Roberts.
I mean, he never got married,
he never went with girls,
he even wore those
fancy Italian shoes.
And he lived with a
guy who was a florist,
and Duke wasn't gay.
Yes, he was, coach.
Huh?
He was?
You think he'd
like to meet cliffie?
Oh, come on.
Come on, guys. Cliff
is not gay, all right?
He's just shy around women
to the point of being
a blithering idiot.
Diane, that was a colleague
of mine on the phone,
a reichian analyst.
He's taken ill.
He wants me to take his place
tomorrow at an all-day seminar
on multiple personality at
the university of Chicago,
so I got to go home and pack.
We won't be able
to go to the concert.
Well, I won't, but
you can still go.
Listen, take along
a friend, and...
Well, Sam indicated
some interest.
Sam?
I think I could find more
stimulating company
for the concert.
I wouldn't have
to look any farther
than the nearest petri dish.
But once again, I am startled
by how far you are above
petty emotion like jealousy.
Well, I just figured it was time
Sam learned to appreciate
instruments without fuses.
Ha ha ha!
Good-bye, my tiny Alice.
Good-bye, my mad mad hatter.
Ha!
Well, there are many theories
as to why the Florida orange
is far superior to its
California counterpart.
Now, I personally think it's
the trace mineral element
in the floridian water.
Uh, that's obviously due to
the frequency of the typhoons
and the nitrogen-rich
alligator guano.
Now, uh, furthermore,
there's, uh...
Say! I just remembered
I left my oven on.
If I hurry home, I can
stick my head in it.
Florida oranges are delicious.
What? Nothing, nothing.
Uh... have you,
uh, been to Florida?
No, but it's always been
a crazy dream of mine to go.
I read that they have
the world's largest pair
of alligator shoes there.
That's right! In Orlando!
I even sat in one of them.
Wow! Yeah.
Uh, w-what's your name?
Tinker bell. What's yours?
Me? Uh... I guess
it's ponce de Leon.
Oh, the fountain-of-youth
guy that discovered Florida!
[Gasps] Would you marry
me and bear my children?
Say, would you
like to go in the back
and maybe play some pool,
or as they say in Tallahassee,
"shoot some pocket billiards"?
I'd love to, Mr. Leon.
Oh, please, call me ponce.
It looks like you're out to
conquer new territories, ponce.
Holy god!
♪ Day after day
♪ I still believe in love
♪ you are the one
♪ one that I'm dreaming of
♪ I love you
♪ I love
♪ you oh...
Did anyone ever tell you
you dance divinely, ponce?
Yeah, someone did
mention it to me the other day.
Let's see. Was that
cortes or pizarro?
[Laughs]
Sam, I'm ready to go.
Would you hand me my purse?
I'll put a new tune
on the jukebox.
Oh, I'm not using a
pair of tickets tomorrow
for the Boston pops.
Uh, you're welcome to
have them if you're interested.
Uh... no. No. No, thank you.
Oh, you'll enjoy it!
The program is an evening
filled with fireworks
and laser beams,
occasionally interrupted
with the music of gershwin.
Ah, no... pffoo, boy!
I just can't think
of who I'd take.
Most of the women I date don't
like music they can't dance to.
Most of the women you date
don't like music they
can't shed clothing to.
How come you don't want to go?
Oh, I do, but
frasier's out of town.
I can't think of anyone
I'd like to go with.
Uh-huh.
I guess frasier would feel
uncomfortable if you and I went, huh?
No. Actually he suggested it.
Ah, well, so you'd be
uncomfortable, huh?
Not at all.
While you still harbor
tortured longings for me,
the emotions are so
completely unreciprocated,
I don't see why we
shouldn't go together.
Then it's a date.
Um, no, not a date. I
mean, not a date-date.
Well, it's, uh...
What would you call an
evening out with a woman
when you have absolutely no hope
of physical involvement
whatsoever?
A first.
[Music slows and stops]
I'm sorry.
Well, I guess it's time I be
heading back to never-never land.
Let me walk you
back to your car.
Oh, no, no! That's ok.
It's right outside here.
But I just want to know when
we're going to see each other again.
Actually, we haven't
seen each other at all yet.
I know!
Let's meet tomorrow night
right here on this very spot
as ourselves at 8:00.
Ok.
And... and... Don't
you be a minute late.
Nice enough young
person, huh, Sam?
Way to go, cliffie!
What do you mean,
way to go, cliffie?
You know, if I didn't know you,
I'd say that you were
pretty smooth tonight.
Oh, Sam, I think I
resent that a little bit.
No, that's ok. You
probably just think
you know me a lot better
than you really do, huh?
No, Sam. Tonight wasn't
really all that unusual for me.
Come on, cliff.
No, no, Sam, it was
commonplace, really.
Cliff.
What? Ok.
3, 2, 1...
Hurray, I got a date! [Laughs]
Thank you, Sam. Yeah.
Whoo!
Well, here we are.
Yeah. Thank you
for the ride home,
and thank you very
much for the concert.
Boy, I tell you,
you know, that...
That gershwin's a genius.
[Vocalizing "rhapsody in blue"]
[Imitating fireworks]
[Laughs] Yeah.
The Mark of a great composer,
when an audience leaves
humming your fireworks.
I had a great time.
Me, too.
I haven't had such
a good time since...
That's ok. I know when you
stopped having good times, Diane.
It goes without saying that I
would have had a better time
if I had gone with frasier.
Me, too.
Thanks for a lovely evening.
By the way, how did
you like our first outing
with no promise or threat
of sexual encounter?
You're not out that door yet.
Hmm hmm!
[Indistinct] Aah! Aah!
Good evening, everybody.
Uh...
Hey, uh...
Can I have a beer,
please, coach?
Hey, this one's on me, coach.
Oh, thanks, norm.
Got it. Yeah.
Cliffie, ahh...
Ha ha! Yeah...
Well...
"Well..." what? "Ahh..."
Hee hee hee!
Well, last I saw, you
were dancing together.
Yeah, so?
So... you know...
No, norm. I don't "know."
He wants to know if
you boinked her, ya dink.
Norm!
Good god, norm!
Don't you know that
psychologists believe
that one night of
meaningless pleasure
can just get in the way of any
kind of long-term commitment?
Is that true, Sam?
I rely on it.
She's, uh, meeting
me here tonight at 8:00.
8:00? Cliff, I
don't believe this.
You're meeting a
woman in 15 minutes?
I don't believe
how calm you are.
Oh, hey, come on,
norm. Don't tell me
that you, too,
subscribe to that myth
about my discomfiture
with women?
Cliffie, I was there one night
a woman asked
you what time it was.
You swallowed the
lower half of your face.
Well, norm, obviously you know
nothing about body language.
That gesture is replete
with erotic messages.
To a baboon, maybe.
All right, all right, all right.
I admit that in the past,
I've been a little
shy around women,
but you know, I've
been thinking about it,
and I don't think there's
been any real reason
for my, you know, insecurities.
As a matter of
fact, uh, watch this.
Sammy. Lighter.
May I?
Thank you.
Uh, you're very welmmnb.
I mean, you're...
You're welcomnbm.
Ahem! You're welcambumn.
You're very,
extremely walaumbah.
You're... you're wolabah!
Wahlaha helaha. Hacah!
I think he's too damn
smooth for his own good.
No, n... n...
I'm such a wimp, I'm such
a wuss, I'm such a weenie.
God, am I a dink!
Cliff, I know you're
nervous about meeting a girl,
but this one's different.
You know her already.
You danced with
her all night long.
I didn't dance with her, norm.
Ponce de Leon danced with her.
No, you danced with her!
Oh, it wasn't me. I
was just playing a role.
Tonight, I'm me...
middle-aged, tongue-tied yutz!
All right, cliff. I want you
to listen to me for a minute.
There's been a lot talk
about you in this bar recently.
And the one who always
winds up defending you is me.
I don't mind. That's
what best friends are for.
But it's almost 8:00, cliffie,
and the one woman in the world
weird enough for you to have a shot at
may be standing
right outside that door!
You blow this, I don't
even want to look at you.
Oh, stop it, will you,
norm? Knock it off.
Norm!
Normie!
Ok. I'll go out there.
Thanks.
I love you, big guy!
Give her a try first.
If it doesn't work
out, we can talk.
Come on, cliffie.
If she comes downstairs now
and sees you standing there,
she's going to know you've
been there for 6 hours.
I mean, that looks
pretty... pretty desperate.
So?
That's the way it is, isn't it?
This is what love comes to.
I want to remember this, Sammy.
Somebody take my picture.
Come on, cliff. Come on.
Come on. It's on me. Come on.
Sit down.
I guess you're right.
No more illusions
about happiness for me.
I'm just going to sit right here
and drink myself into oblivion.
No, you're not.
You'd just have 2
problems that way.
Aw, why did she stand me up?
That does it. From now on,
I'm going to let my grooming
and appearance go right to hell.
And you think the
results will be noticeable?
Thank you, Carla.
I want abuse
piled on me tonight.
Maybe I'll get it
through my thick head
that I'm nothing but a loser.
You know what my
nickname was in high school?
No. You never told us.
That's because I
didn't have one, coach.
I tried to get one started...
You know, made it up myself.
Courteous cliff.
[Laughs]
Courteous cliff.
As long as you're
making it up yourself,
couldn't you have
done a little better?
Eh, I didn't want to
arouse suspicion, normie.
You know, I hear there's a
tribe of men in the middle east
called the essenites.
They're entirely celibate.
They live without women.
And rumor has it that they are
the happiest men in the world.
Tomorrow, I'm going to
send for their brochure.
[Telephone rings]
Hello. Cheers.
No. There's no
ponce de Leon here!
We don't have prince
Albert in the can!
Why don't you do
your homework...
Coach, coach, coach, I
think that might be for me.
Oh.
Hello?
Yeah.
Really?
No. I understand. I...
Yeah, I... I understand.
Ok. All right. Bye.
Isn't that something?
She was afraid to meet
me without her mask on.
I actually made a woman nervous.
That's incredible, isn't it?
So, you two going
to get together?
Yeah. She's at a pay
phone across the street.
She said she's
coming right over.
All right. Way to
go, cliffie. Yeah.
Well, let's not stand here.
We'll be up here.
Come here. Ok.
Thank you, coach.
Cliff, we don't want
to have to eavesdrop,
so keep your
stupid remarks loud.
[Footsteps]
Hello.
Hi.
Uh...
I'm club cloofin.
Sorry.
I'm cliff... Clavin.
I'm Harry o'share...
Sharon hare.
I mean, I'm Sharon O'Hare.
[Coins clink]
[Rattles]
[Romantic music playing]
♪ Days turn to weeks
♪ when you're so far from me
♪ I tell myself
♪ you're so precious for me ♪
♪ I love you
♪ I love
♪ you
♪ time after time
♪ when I'm thinking of you
♪ I realize
♪ all the things that we'll do ♪
♪ I love you...