Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 3 - I Call Your Name - full transcript

Frasier tells Sam that the girlfriend of one his "clients" called out another man's name in bed, but Sam knows he's talking about Diane. Meanwhile, Cliff is afraid to tell a burly colleague that he's the fellow mailman who got him fired.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

What can I say,
Eddie? I'm sorry.

I just remembered this
isn't my night off after all.

We're gonna have to cut
this lovely evening short.

Gee, I wish you would
have said something sooner.

Well, I mentioned
it over dinner.

You just didn't hear me
over the oom-pah-pah band

and the noise that you make

when you chew bratwurst.

But, Carla, I've been looking
forward to this date for along time.

These tickets to the rv show



weren't easy to get.

Please, Eddie,
I'm torn up enough.

Coach!

What?

Do you like rvs? Mobile
homes? That kind of stuff?

Well, I don't know
that much about them.

Would you like to learn?

Well, I was meaning to.

Coach, meet Eddie.
Eddie, coach. Hi, Eddie.

He's got an extra ticket
to the rv show for tonight.

How does that sound?

Terrific.

Well, go ahead.
I'll cover for you.

Hot dog!



Some luck, huh, Eddie?

Well, I guess I'm not
gonna get a good-night kiss.

You might, if
you're nice to him.

I can't wait to get there. Eddie,
do they actually let you walk

through those things?

Yeah. But you got
to take your shoes off.

Oh, ok.

Not now.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Jerk.

Yeah?

For once, it's not you.

Mr. Fancy bottom over there

feels his Martini
isn't dry enough.

Oh, well, you want me
to kill him for you, Diane?

That's too good for him.

Come on, lighten up here.

This is a bar, you know.

People come here
to have a good time.

Yeah, and don't you
just hate them for it?

What's wrong, honey?

Having a bad day.

Am I allowed to have a bad day?

Sure, you've given us plenty.

Keep one for yourself.

I hope you'll find that
to your satisfaction.

We here at cheers aspire
to make every customer

a happy customer.

It's still not dry enough.

Drink it!

Excuse me, folks.

She gets a little upset still

ever since I dumped her.

Let me handle this for you.

Coach, make this gentleman
the driest Martini in town,

will ya? On the house. Right.

Please, forgive her.

She's a hot-headed
little firebrand.

Half my day is spent apologizing
to nice customers like you.

Carla, I'm in no mood.

Now, now, we're talking
about someone else, dear.

One vodka rocks.

Is there anything I can do?

No. This problem
is strictly between

myself and frasier crane.

Suffice it to say,

he insists on making mountains

out of molehills.

He wants you to
wear a padded bra?

Go mate with a squid.

Please forgive her again.

She's spent time in
an institution recently.

Good afternoon,
everybody. Hey, cliffie.

Can you believe the way
those sox are playing?

Oh, boy, I miss those carefree
halcyon days when my only concern

was a group of lads
playing baseball.

Cliffie, you got
something on your mind?

The shocking truth is today I
saw a fellow postal employee

remove a fragrance
sample from a magazine.

So?

So, Sammy, that's
in direct violation

of postal employee regulations.

It's a smudge on the honor

of every mail carrier who
ever donned this uniform.

So?

So? Look, on one hand, I
don't want to be a snitch,

but on the other, I
can't endorse anarchy.

What should I do?

Compromise. Have a beer.

There you go.

Well, I see I should look
elsewhere for help on this, huh?

Diane?

I've got a little problem here.

Who doesn't?

Valid.

Valid.

Well, I guess my
choice is clear.

I must follow my
conscience and report this.

Come on, man. A
fragrance sample? Let it go.

Let it go, Sammy? I let this go,

and tomorrow, Hitler
is in the white house.

I can do without that.

Yeah, sure, it's only
a perfume sample.

But if the other
employees see him

getting away with this,

they're gonna
start taking things.

First, whole
magazines go missing,

then social security checks.

Before you know it,

grandma's fruitcake
doesn't make it

to little Bobby, Peggy, and sue.

And their little
hearts will be broken,

thinking grandma
forgot them this year.

What are those little green
things in the fruitcake?

They look like
they're parts of tires.

Coach, think you're getting
a little off the point here.

You brought it up.

Who is this menace
to society, anyway?

Remember Lewis, that
fella I brought in here before?

Enormous black gentleman?

That's the one.

Whoa, cliff, cliff! Come on.

Hey, come on, I'd think twice

before crossing Lewis.
It could be dangerous.

I mean, he's not the
kind of guy who drinks tea

with his pinky sticking out.

Please, Sam, there
are ladies present!

I'm sorry, coach.

Thank you.

The bottom line
is, it'd be snitching,

and I'd just like to think
I'm a little above that.

Absolutely. There you go.

Bawk! Bawk bawk bawk!

Bawk bawk! Bawk bawk!

What is that? Carla, are
you announcing the birth

of yet another child,

or are you implying
something here?

You'd rat on a little guy.

Well, I'm going to
rat on this guy, too.

Don't let Carla
goad you into this.

I have a duty to fulfill.

I'll speak my truth

and take the consequences.

Yeah, supervisor, please.

Hey, come on, cliff.

I don't care about
the risk I'm taking.

The voice of Clifford clavin

is gonna be heard
loud and clear.

[With Swedish accent] Hello?

Hang onto your jockstrap.

I have a terrible
thing to report.

Well, good night, everybody.

Hey, cliff,

do you want to spend the night

in my office?

Sammy, you still think
I'm afraid, don't you?

[With Swedish accent]
Jumpin' jiminy, no.

Yeah, that Swedish accent
was just for the amusement

of the bar.

I don't care if Lewis
finds out it was me.

In fact, if I ever
see the guy again,

I'll tell him it was me
and just clear the air.

[Screams like a girl]

You're the man I'm looking for.

Oh-oh-ooh!

I've been fired.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Oh, god, I'm terribly sorry.

You're taking this
worse that I am.

I just want to
find out who did it.

Did what?

Someone made an anonymous phone
call to the supervisor and squealed on me

for taking a perfume
sample out of a magazine.

Oh! He fired you for that?

What kind of a chicken outfit

do we work for?

Hey, Lewis, you smell divine.

What's that you're wearing?

Giorgio for men.

Hey, who can blame
you for taking it?

It's perfect for you.

Well, sorry I can't help
you out there, Lewis.

Hey, you can.

You know how you're
always sticking your nose

in other people's business
down at the post office.

Come on, you're
nosey! That's me!

I want to find out and I
want to find out tomorrow.

Ok, you got it, pal.

Be here at 7:00
and don't be late.

Ok. Well.

You just be here at 7:00.

I'll have that information.

I know you will.

Yeah. Uh, Lewis...

Thanks for thinking of me.

Oh! Tomorrow I die.

Ohh...

Come on, now.

Oh, the guy is going to
beat the living hell out of me.

There's no use saying I
don't deserve it, though, huh?

Nobody did.

Thanks, Carla.

Coach, let's go home. Yeah.

Carla, can I play my
French language tapes

on the way home, please?

No. I hear them every
night, and I'm sick of it.

Besides, they're
not doing any good.

Oh, yes, they are.

Oh, yeah? Say "how
are you?" In French.

[With French accent] How
are you today in French.

I rest my case.

[Coach, with accent]
I rest my case.

Knock it off.

[Coach, with
accent] Knock it off.

[Knock on door]

Oh, frasier.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, frasier. Diane left
about 15 minutes ago.

Oh, darn. Well, I guess I'll have to
go to her house to shoot the breeze.

With Diane, it's
more like a monsoon.

Ha ha ha ha!

Yes, her breeze
is like a monsoon.

Good night.

Ahem.

You want to come
in, have a beer?

Well, I wouldn't want to impose.

Ok. Good night.

Ha ha ha!

This is fun.

I guess I've got a little time

for some barroom chatter.

Might even do the
old boy some good.

Maybe.

Well, I'll have a tankard

of your finest lager.

Well.

I understand the local Boston
Red Sox baseball franchise

has a herculean task of it

to qualify for the
postseason tournament.

They really stink this year.

Stink? Interesting theory.

While we're on the subject
of Boston and the world

and all of its people,

I have this patient.
Let's call him...

Give him any old name... Thor.

For the first time in my
career as a psychiatrist,

I don't know how to
deal with his problem.

But it occurs to
me that you might.

You want my opinion
on one of your patients?

Sam, believe it or not,
psychiatrists do value input

from outside their profession.

I'd like the benefit
of your experience.

You know women.

I mean, your sexual
exploits could be thought of

as a majestic, panoramic mural.

And Thor's?

A silly little doodle.

Well, yeah. I
mean, what the hell?

What's his, uh...
What's his problem?

Well...

Thor's girlfriend...

Let's call her...

Electra.

Cried out another man's name

during the act of love.

Oh, Thor.

Ouch!

Precisely. So, Sam, tell me,

you've been with a lot of women.

I mean, when you
were with one of them,

did she ever call out
another man's name?

Well, I don't think so,

but then, who listens?

Usually, I've got
the stereo turned up

and other things on my mind.

Tell me, uh...

Whose name did electra call out?

An old boyfriend's.

Oh. Double ouch.

Yes.

And although they've decided

that it means
absolutely nothing,

which it doesn't,

Thor doesn't seem to
be able to get over it.

So tell me, Sam. I
mean, if Thor came to you,

what would you tell him?

I'd tell him the truth...
that it happens all the time.

Really, Sam?

Yeah, really. It
happens to all guys.

As a matter of fact, I think I just
remembered it's happened to me before.

Lots of times.

I think I turned the stereo up

in the first place
because of that.

Really?

Well, thank you, Sam.

I'll pass that along to...

Thor.

Right. Right. Well,
it's getting late.

Thanks for the cold one, Sam.

You're welcome, frasier.

The beer, I mean,
not Diane. Ha ha!

You know, two sips of liquor,

and I'm a jackaninny.

Cliff, Lewis will be
here any minute.

Yeah, what's your plan?

Plan? I have no plan.

Not unless honesty, sincerity,
and straightforwardness

are a plan.

I meant your medical plan.

Your humor's
falling on deaf ears.

Oh, good. Then
you won't miss them

when Lewis rips
them off your head.

Sam.

Oh, Sam.

Barkeep.

Oh, I'm sorry, Diane.
Do you... Want me?

Actually, I want two Beck's.

Guess I didn't hear
you calling out my name.

Is there something amusing you

that I don't know about?

No. Why do you ask?

Oh, that stupid
look on your face.

Hey, come on, do I need
a reason to look stupid?

You have the best reason of all.

Ok, clavin, you
know why I'm here.

Who is it?

Lewis, I've written a man's name

on a piece of paper in
this envelope. Well, good.

But before you
look at it, Lewis,

let me tell you a little
something about him.

What is this, the dating game?

Lewis, the man whose
name is in this envelope

bears no animosity towards you

or any living thing.

He's a man who loves his
country, and what he did

was out of a sense of duty

towards america, god,
and all that we Cherish.

One other thing, Lewis.

The man who did this

is terribly, terribly sorry.

Please forgive him.

Well, uh...

Ok.

I've got another job, anyway.

Besides, if I were to see
that name, I'd get so angry,

I might do something stupid.

Aw, go on, open it.

Lewis, I can't tell
you how proud I am

to see how you overcame

your need for vengeance.

Hey, and tell that fellow

he's real lucky he's
still in one piece.

He knows it, Lewis.

You'd better.

Ooh...

Hey, cliffie.

Cliffie, you really showed
me something there.

That was more
than just stupidity.

I think there was a
trace of bravery in there.

Way to go, cliff.

Thanks, guys.

All right. Who's Juan torrez?

Hey, there must be
some mistake there.

No, no mistake. There's
a map to his house here.

All right, look, I knew he
wasn't gonna look in the thing.

Besides, he knows it was me,

so what's the big deal?

Lewis would never hit him.

Juan's in a body cast. Fell out
a window a couple weeks ago.

What?

What what?

Don't be coy.

It doesn't go with
a sloping forehead.

Did I tell you your boyfriend
stopped by the other night.

What's his name?

You know very well it's frasier.

Frasier, right. Damn it, boy,
that's an easy name to forget.

How you two doing, anyway, huh?

Fine. Is there
something on your mind?

No. Why do you ask?

When there's a spot
on an empty canvas,

it tends to stand out.

No, no. Listen, if I
had something to say,

I'd say it.

I'd even yell it out.

Passionately.

What exactly did you
and frasier talk about?

Oh, come on, Diane,
let's drop this whole thing.

I mean, it's going nowhere.

I know we both have much
more important work to get back to.

I know I'm running
a little behind.

I hate it when you're smug,

it means you think you
have something on me.

I emphasize think.

Oh, I'm not
thinking here, Diane.

No, but this is as
close as you get.

Come on, why don't you
stop this silly little game

and admit you're
still crazy about me.

You're the one who
always brings it up.

If anybody's crazy
about anybody,

you're crazy about me.

Oh, yeah? I'm not saying "Sam"

when I'm in bed with frasier.

I'll kill him!

I'll kill you.

And then I'll kill myself.

Oh, now, come on,
you're overreacting.

I mean, there's
no need to kill me.

Hello.

Hello, your
buttocks! Get in here!

Diane, you seem agitated.

I don't know which
of you I hate the most!

Hey, that's not bad, frasier.

Only two months,
and you're tied with me.

How could you tell him?

Why did you tell him?

I didn't tell him. He
must've deduced it.

Oh, please!

Hey, come on, I'm
good at deducement.

How could you
betray my confidence?

You didn't say, "no telling."

Oh, I see, I see.

Obviously I made a mistake
of treating you as an adult.

Why would you tell him
anything to begin with?

I was hoping for some insight.

Insight?

From a man whose idea
of intellectual stimulation

is to count along with big bird?

Do you know that
in his arrogance,

he thought that when
I called out "Sam"

I was referring to him.

And you weren't?

No!

It was a different Sam entirely.

It was...

Sam goldwyn.

His movies always
gave me great pleasure.

Diane. Sam.

Please, let's not
go on this way.

I mean, now that this
thing is out in the open,

let's at least face it honestly

and admit the truth.

What are you talking about?

That there's still a
spark between you two.

I think it's best
that I just step aside

and allow it to either
ignite or extinguish itself.

Frasier!

Look into my eyes.

You are the man in my life.

There is no longer anything

between Sam and I.

You'll see the same thing

when you look into his eyes.

Uh, can't I just tell him?

Do it, Sam.

Frasier, there's nothing
going on between us.

I mean, it's all over
between me and Diane.

I believe you.

Oh, frasier, thank god.

How could you have doubted me

for a moment?

I don't know.

I haven't been myself
these last few days.

What do you say we
take a weekend off

and go some place together?

Yes, let's.

Well, I'd better go.

I'm late for my marital
relations group. And thanks.

Look, I'd like to apologize to
both of you for flying off the handle.

It just goes to show you

that even psychiatrists
get the blues.

Diane. See you later.

Oh, and, Sam...

Yeah?

Go, Red Sox.

Rah.

What actors we are, Sam. Huh

I'm amazed we
could pull that off.

Pull what off?

Fooling a man so
versed in human behavior.

There is a spark,
isn't there, Sam?

Well, uh...

Gee.

I don't think it would
take much encouragement

to turn it into an inferno.

Oh, uh...

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Sam, let's stop
stopping ourselves.

Let's let it happen.

Happen.

Happen, yeah.

Oh, Diane!

Frasier!

Oops!

Oh, yeah?

Well, ha ha!

Aaahh!