Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 24 - The Belles of St. Clete's - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Morning, Sammy.

Norm! What brings
you in this time of day?

Same thing that always does.

It's a little early
for a beer, isn't it?

So float a cornflake in it.

Beer it is.

Seriously, how come
you're here this early?

My supervisor got sick.

Had to go home early.

So he left me in
charge of the office.



So, uh, I closed it.

Say, you know,

thought I'd stop by
here, have a few beers,

and figure out what
to do with the day.

After all, I have
24 golden hours

to spend on norm Peterson.

Any suggestions?

If it was me, I'd
be out there sailing.

Perfect weather,
waters won't be crowded.

I get seasick though.

I don't know.

Well, you could always
go to the driving range

and work on your slice.

Nah. I don't have
my clubs with me.



How about checking out that
gym you've been putting off joining?

Not in the mood for
sweat, you know?

Also you could set up that
workshop in your garage.

I'd have to clean it
all out first. It's a mess.

Well, norm, you could sit here
all day shoot down my ideas

and drinking beer.

Wait a minute. Oh, I think
we're onto something here.

What do you say, put
a head on this thing,

and let's hear some
more of those suggestions.

Ok, let's see. How
about skydiving?

Nah. Mess up my hair.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ooh, there's a lovely
young thing, huh?

Perhaps I should just
go make my move.

Yeah. Go ahead and faint.

All right. Ha ha ha.

Look, some of you people
have got the impression

that I'm a little inexperienced
in the ways of love.

How many women
do I have to conquer

to forever lay to rest
this misconception?

One.

All right, all right,

I wasn't going to do this,

but look what I got in
the mail this morning.

Normie, what does that say?

"Inflatable
surprises catalogue."

Yeah, my mother
sent away for it.

She likes to play
tricks on the cat.

No, that's the one
I was looking for.

Go ahead, what's
the name on there?

Lynette cayhill, the
orange blossom motel.

Whoa, cliffie, who's this?

Well, just some
damsel down in Florida

who I had a doomed,

but delightful affair
with while visiting.

Poor thing, she just
keeps begging me

to come back to her.

Clavin, we're not
falling for any of this.

Why don't you guys believe

that cliff had a little
affair in Florida?

I believe him.

I mean, she could
have been drunk, blind,

just out of prison, you know.

Thank you, norm.

Carla, you got a
customer over here.

Oh, yeah? Thanks.

Ahh!

Carla? Honey, what
is it? Is it the baby?

The baby! Hot water,
Sam, boiling water!

What's going on?

What happened?

It's... it's her. The evil one.

Where? What?

Over there. Table five.

Oh. The little old lady?

Drusilla dimeglio.

She was the principal

of St. cletes school
for wayward girls.

Ooh.

And we all hated her guts.

She used to do these
mean, spiteful things to us.

I swore vengeance on her, but
she retired before I could do anything.

Now, 20 years
later, there she is!

It's been 20 years,
are you sure it's her?

Well, there's one way
to make absolutely sure.

She has my teeth
Mark on her left ankle.

Go check it out, Sam.

Ok. All right.

What am I going for?

Well, I can't do it.

She'll recognize me,
and then I'll lose her.

Come on, Sam, you got
to do this for me, please!

I will, will! But why don't I
just go over and ask her name?

That would arouse suspicion.

Crawl over there
and look at her ankle.

Oh. Much better.

No, I am not going anywhere.

Go wait on her yourself.

All right, I will.

You all just watch
and see what happens

when she gets a look at me.

Hey...

Oh. What will you have?

I'll have gin and
grapefruit juice.

Oh, Sam!

She doesn't recognize me!

That means I can take my time

and work out my
plan for revenge.

She did have a
Mark on her ankle?

Mark, schmark! It
must have healed.

I'm gonna think of
something slow and hideous.

I have a suggestion, Carla.

What? Do nothing.

With the body?

No! No, I'm telling you

to turn the other cheek.

Oh, Sammy, mooning
her isn't enough.

I want to hurt her!

Sam, we haven't had
any heat for hours.

I'm freezing. You're
the bartender.

What can you recommend
for me that's nice and hot?

Speaking.

Must you inject sex

into even the simplest
of conversations?

Well, I didn't want you
to go completely without it

while you're in Europe.

I want for nothing in Europe.

I'm sure that's
what you're getting.

You know what I mean.

In fact, I think I see
my schussing hunk

skiing down the
mountain right now.

Yes, that's frasier.

He's able to ski right down
to the back door of our chalet.

Sam, listen, I have to go.

I'll call you right back, ok?

[Applause]

[Cheering]

Thank you, thank you,
good people of the alps.

Bravo, bravo!

Thank you. Hey,
that's quite a hill, isn't it?

Oh, you were magnificent!

Magnificent!

That was exhilarating!

It worries me though.

These risks you're taking.

Oh, Diane, you know,

some men live their
lives avoiding danger.

Frasier w. Crane seeks it.

Oh, frasier.

Here, let me put
these away for you

so we can both get off our feet.

Now you just relax

and make yourself comfortable.

Tonight is your night.

That's the spirit!

The capper was when we glued

sister scholastica's
feet to the radiator.

Who could forget the frying nun?

Oh, god. Those were
the good old days.

Life was simple then.

Yeah.

By the way, you two started
packing it away at lunch

when I said I was paying.

And me and the kid
over here were just trying

to keep up with Kathy
and her quadruplets.

Oh, please, don't even say it.

I've already got six
more than I can handle.

You have only five kids.

I'm including my husband al,

who, if he touches
me again, is dead.

Four mugs and a pitcher

for me and my
pals from St. cletes.

You know something,
I envy all of you.

Sure, I'm the one
with the education,

the money, and the great career,

but I'd trade my
electrolysis license in

for a family.

Mine's available.

By the way, I can get rid of

that little fu manchu
you're starting there.

Whoa!

[Whistles]

The man of my dreams!

Mm-mmm! Whoo!

Sorry. Sam, I can't
take them anywhere.

That's all right.

Four beers for the lynch mob.

Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to ruin your
wonderful little surprise. There.

Don't go away! [Whistles]

So, Casanova, gotten any new
letters from your Florida conquest?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I did receive one today.

Each one gets more
heart-rending than the last.

This one, she tells me she'd
give it all up just for my kiss.

She must mean her lunch.

All right, wise guy...

Come on, come on,
let's go shoot some pool.

Yeah, that's a
good idea, normie.

You guys are just lucky

I used up all my aggressive
male hormones with frequent sex.

Hey!

Hey, roxy!

All right! Hey!

Ok, Carla, we're all here.

Now you can tell us
what this is all about.

Well, ladies, I'm really
glad you're all sitting down,

because you're not
going to believe this.

I didn't believe it myself.

I found...

Dimeglio.

Dimeglio? You mean our
principal from St. cletes?

Oh, I heard she passed away.

Hell wouldn't take her.

She comes into this
bar every night at 7:00,

sits at this table,

and has a gin and grapefruit.

And she will be
here again tonight.

So what?

So what? This is
our chance to get her,

to pay her back

for all those lousy
things she did to us.

Carla, that was 20 years ago.

We were just girls.

But we took an oath
that we'd get her.

Don't you remember?

She's coming! All right,
everybody get behind the bar.

Carla! Get behind the bar!

Sheesh! Ok! All right.

Don't worry about it. All the
old hate's going to come back

as soon as you
get a look at her.

Just go ahead,
come on, hurry up.

Hey, ladies...

Get down! Come on!

Uh, hi.

Hello.

Would you mind
taking this table?

'Cause this one's taken.

Oh, sure. Mm-hmm.

So what are you gonna have?

Oh, I'll have a gin
and grapefruit juice.

One gin and grapefruit.

Coming u... ooh!

He liked your order.

And I'm gonna get it.

Now what do you think?

Carla, that's not her.

She was a lot taller.

She wasn't taller.
We were shorter.

I don't think so, either.

She was two
times as big as that.

So what? So she
lost a little weight.

She's wearing contacts
instead of glasses.

That's her. I swear it!

It's been a long time, but
I don't think it's her either.

What if it is? Who cares?

Get down! I care!

All right. If you don't
want to help me,

I'll get her without you.

Fine. 'Cause I
don't want any part...

Go ahead, desert me!
Just stay down there.

Because I don't
want her to see you.

You'll ruin everything.

What are we supposed to
do back here until she leaves?

Find some way of
amusing yourselves, ok?

Ok.

Ooh! No! Jeez!

No, it's been crazy around here.

Carla's been moping
around all night

because none of her old school
chums will back her up on this.

And you know Carla, she's
got so much bottled-up anger,

I'm afraid she's
gonna hurt someone.

And without you
here, I'm next in line.

Oh, Sam, it would
never come to that.

Carla has a means
of dealing with anger

that's very effective.

She vents it constantly
in small doses

to prevent a build-up that
might erupt in violence.

It's a technique that
many hot-tempered,

uneducated people
evolve instinctively.

And though it's
rather primitive,

it is nearly as effective

as more sophisticated
techniques cultivated

and employed by
better-educated people

with gentler temperaments...

Stop that, damn it!

Please, darling,
just until I'm finished.

Certainly, dearest heart.

Thank you, love of my life.

Sam, I'm sorry. What were we...

What was I saying?

You don't know, either?

Well, we got to have
a rule around here.

When you speak,

at least one of us
has got to be listening.

Give my best to
frasier. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well, may I proceed
with my labor,

or would my precious like
to perform the onerous task

of getting some
heat in this place?

No, no. Please finish...

My reason for living.

You spoiled little conniving...

Treasure.

Two beers, please, Sammy,

one for me and one
for my buddy cliff.

You recall cliff,

the fellow who's in
the John without this.

Ooh.

The latest letter from his
Florida flame, huh? Mm-hmm.

Fell from his pocket while
we were shooting pool.

What a shame. You know,
we should get that back to him

as soon as possible.

And indeed, we will, Sammy,

just as soon as
he gets out here.

In the meantime, I
think it's imperative

that we hold the letter thusly.

Why is that?

Because if you were
to hold it the other way,

say, likeso, it's an
accident waiting to happen.

Witness!

Hmm!

You know, I think
we got a problem.

The trick is gonna be

to get that letter
into this envelope

without reading it.

Mmm. Well, I'm game.

Yeah? Go on. Give it a shot.

Ah. Oh. No.

It no longer fits, Sam.

Going to have to read this.

"Dear Mr. Clavin, this the
last letter I will send to you.

"If you don't respond,

"I will turn the
entire matter over

"to my attorney.

"I will wait one week

"for you to pay for
or return the towels,

"ashtrays, light
bulbs, doorknobs,

"and shower curtain
assembly, including rod,

"missing from your room.

Lynette cayhill."

Aw, jeez, the poor guy.

I was kind of hoping he
wasn't blowing hot air this time.

Interesting reading?

Huh? Huh?

Uh... i'm... I'm sorry.

I'm more sorry.

Hey, guys, norm has the letter.

Hey, Steve, Larry,
norm has the letter!

All right, just knock it off.

Normie, is that as
hot as cliff says?

Come on, let's read it.

Come on. Yeah.

No, no. "My, uh",

"my dearest cliff..."

Well, uh, if you must.

"I want you.

"I want you."

"I want you."

"You are burning in
my heart like, uh..."

Like, uh?

I can't make this out.

Can you, Sam?

It's, uh... Volcano.

Volcano.

Volcano. Right.

"I think of you at
night when I go to bed

"and in the morning
when I wake up,

and I dream about you in
between when I'm sleeping..."

"Admittedly when
most people dream.

"You're quite a man all right,

"and that's for darn sure.

"And, uh, you
satisfy every hunger

that I have as a woman."

"Respectfully yours..."

"Lynette cayhill."

Norm, norm, norm,

read them the p.S. There

where she talks about
my sexual prowess

in detail.

I can't quite make
that part out, cliffie.

That's all right.

I'll help you out there.

This word here is gargantuan.

I think they've all
seen quite enough.

What the heck.

It was very nice.

Good night, you guys.

God bless you, guys.

Later.

Normie?

Yeah.

I don't know how to
thank you for this one.

I'm just sorry I opened
it in the first place.

Come on, I'll buy
you a burger, huh>

listen, uh... Sammy,

there's one way you
could make it up to me

if you want.

Yeah? What's that?

Read me the letter again.

You know, the spicy parts.

"My dearest cliffie,

I want you. I want you."

[Piano plays]

You ok?

I just can't believe

they didn't recognize
her, Sammy.

I didn't think anybody

would ever be able
to forget that woman.

You're gonna have to
face facts here, Carla.

Nobody recognized her

because that's not the woman.

Oh, but, Sammy...

Carla, come on, she didn't
have any scars on her ankles.

Well, that doesn't
mean anything.

A lot of criminals have
their ankles altered...

So they can wear Bermuda shorts.

You're ranting, you know that?

Really, you're
sounding irrational.

You're beginning to scare me.

I think you ought to take a
serious look at yourself here, Carla.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

What were you going to do

if it had been her?

Well...

I had this storybook fantasy

when I was a little girl

about someday
coming up behind her

and shaving her head.

Well, I'm glad it turned
out to be somebody else

for everybody's sake.

I guess.

Oh, boy.

Look at that, will you?

I'm late.

Oh, you've got a date?

Well, I know you don't
like to keep them waiting.

Go ahead. I'll clean up.

Aw, thank you, Carla.

I thank you, and
Debbie thanks you.

I think you're going
out with Janet tonight,

bean brain.

Oh. Well then, Janet
really thanks you.

I wanted her as much as you did.

Oh, good. Someone's here.

It's her.

Can I help you?

I think I dropped my
wallet here somewhere.

Oh, let me find it for you.

Oh, I got it.

Oh, thank you.

Not so fast.

I have to be absolutely
sure about this,

you know.

What's your name?

Drusilla dimeglio.

Drusilla dimeglio.

Oh, thank you.

Do you believe in
fate, drusilla dimeglio?

Well, I... Never
thought about it.

Well, why don't you sit down,

and we'll have a
little talk about it.

I think you'll
find it interesting.

Well, I'm kind of in a hurry.

Ah, one chair, no waiting.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Who's back there?

Hey, Sam, is that you?

Carla?

Hey, what's going on?

I was driving by,
saw the lights still on.

Weren't you going to close up?

Sam, you're not going
to believe this. What?

After you left, I was
sitting here all by myself,

and guess who should walk in?

Drusie.

Drusie?

Yeah. Drusilla dimeglio.

Carla, bring me
another beer, will you?

Coming up, druse.

She's back there right now?

Yeah. We've been
playing pool all night.

We're tight, Sam.

So it is her?

Oh, yeah, it's her all right,

but you know something, Sam,

after I told her how
much I hated her,

she explained to me why she was
always so tough on me and everything.

She was just doing her job,

and maybe I'm a
better person for it.

Anyway, we're pals now.

I can't believe this.

I'm so proud of you.

Why, this is a turning point.

Maybe we've seen the last

of that tasmanian
devil of a waitress.

Carla, bring some
more pretzels, too.

All right. Right away.

I can't believe that's
the same woman

whose head you
were about to shave.

Yeah, I almost went
through with it, too.

I mean, I came that close,

and I could have
done it easy, Sammy.

I mean, she's not as
young as she used to be,

but, uh, I stopped.

God was testing me, Sam,

and I passed.

Hello there.

Come on, Carla, it's your turn.

Yeah, I'll be right with you.

I didn't say I got
an "a", Sammy.

I just said I passed.

Rack them up!