Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Bartender's Tale - full transcript

Sam hires a waitress that Carla considers to be a perfect replacement for Diane: she's smart, talented and charming, and Sam doesn't want to sleep with her. But then her sexy daughter shows up at the bar and potentially ruins everything.

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Who's the lovely
lady Sam's talking to?

Another applicant
for the waitress job.

It isn't easy for him
probably to find someone

to work for the wages
he pays you, huh?

With tips I clear about
500 bucks a week, clavin.

That can't be right. Is it?

I did her taxes.

You mean to tell me
a federal employee,

entrusted with the most noble
and vital service of our society,

makes less money than some wench



who serves beer to
slobs on bar stools?

Makes sense to me, cliffie.

No, really.

I could go up to three
days or so without mail.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪



♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Ok. Here, Carla, I'd
like you to meet Sydney.

Hi.

Sydney is an applicant

for our waitress opening.

Well, she passed my
interview with flying colors,

and pending your approval,

I'd like to start
her this afternoon.

Have you had any
experience serving the public?

You mean dressed?

Take a hike, Sydney.

Well, I'll call you
this afternoon

to see how you're doing.

Oh, thank you, Sam.
You're a very nice man.

Well, you're very
nice, too, Sydney.

I know we've only known
each other a few minutes,

but, well, I feel we've
known each other all day.

Yeah. Me, too.

You take care.

You know, Sam, when
Diane left for Europe...

Thank you, god...

You promised that you were
gonna hire an actual waitress,

not one of these girls
that you love and leave.

They're bad for business.

They never last for
more than a week,

and I end up doing all the work.

Well, that's why
I'm allowing you

to give your approval
before I hire them,

but you don't have
to be so damn picky.

All I want is someone who
doesn't make us both think

of the word "boob"
at the same time.

What is this, IBM?

Come on, let's not
argue about this.

I'm sure we can find somebody

that's gonna make us both happy.

Ah, Brenda wood.

Hi.

That's me.

Hi there, Brenda.
Come on down here

and let's take a look
at your application.

Oh. Well, I see that
your turn-ons include

banana daiquiris by a fireside

and men in tight jeans.

You're cute.

Well, I'm sold.

Why don't you just
come right over here.

Carla, I'd like you
to meet Brenda.

Beat it, Brenda.

But, Sam.

You heard me, honey.

Back to the bimbo union hall.

Gosh darn it, Brenda.

I guess Carla just thought
you were overqualified.

You know what might ease

that sting of rejection
you're feeling now?

What would happen if I slip into

some tight jeans this weekend

and had you over to my
place for a banana daiquiri?

Do you have a fireplace?

No, but I got a sofa
that's flammable.

That would be fine.

All right. You take care now.

Bye-bye.

So the search
continues, huh, Sammy?

Yeah. Boy, it's tough being me.

Ok. Lillian huxley.

How do you do, Mr. Malone?

Hi, Lillian. Boy, thank you
very much for coming down.

Unfortunately, this position
has been filled already.

I tell you what, though,

we'll keep your resume on file.

Freeze, slimeball!

Yes, Carla?

You letch. This is the
best resume I've ever seen.

Look at these references.

She's been schlepping
booze for 25 years.

And my turn-ons
include hunting dogs,

thackeray, and Welch rarebit.

She's exactly what we need.

She's a career waitress.

You are?

Oh, that I am, Mr. Malone.

You see, I'm one of
those fortunate people

who felt the irresistible tug
of their true calling early in life.

When I was but 18,

I filled in one day
for a maid at a pub.

Excuse me. I realized that day

that I could have no happier
or finer destiny in store

than distributing
refreshments in a public house.

Through the years I've led
many a ruckus, I do a bawdy song,

and countless times
offered my shoulder to cry on.

But never once have I
regretted my decision.

I shall consider
my life well spent

if it can be honestly
carved on my gravestone,

"Lillian huxley never kept a
thirsty man waiting for his ale,

and she always brought him
a wee bit more than a pint."

Oh, bravo!

I'm not too sure
I like her attitude.

Oh!

[Speaking Italian]

[Speaking Italian]

Your heat control is over there.

And if you need anything,

please, just call
the front desk.

Thank you very
much. That will be all.

Grazie, grazie.

200,000 lire...

That's about right, right?

Grazie, signori.

Prego.

Grazie.

Frasier, a letter from cheers.

Oh, wait. It's not a letter.

It's a Lillian huxley's resume.

And it's signed,

"ha ha! You're out
of here forever."

It's always nice
to hear from Carla.

Diane, cheers is
thousands of miles away.

Why don't we just leave them

on the other side of the
great ocean, shall we?

Of course.

I love you.

Me, too, Diane.

Did I just hear you say

that you tipped that
bellboy 200,000 lire?

Yes, what is that,
about a dollar or two?

This inflated currency
is so ridiculous.

I keep expecting
a bum to walk up

and ask for a million
lire for a cup of coffee.

You tipped the man $100
to bring our bags 8 feet.

Are you sure?

Oh, well, this will
get a hearty laugh

from the folks at the institute.

Just explain it to him.

I'm sure he'll understand.

You mean go down
there and get it back?

What else, my angel?

Well, these people think
so little of Americans as it is.

I'll go.

No, no, no.

If I sent a woman, they'd
think even less of me.

I'll do it.

Oh, my brave little tourist.

Yes. I guess it's time

to nip this thing in the bud.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

[Speaking at once]

♪ Johnny will go to sleep ♪

♪ in his own little room again ♪

♪ there'll be bluebirds over ♪

♪ the white cliffs of Dover ♪

♪ tomorrow ♪

♪ when the world is free ♪

yay! Yo!

Let's sing don't dilly
dally on the way.

No, no. I'm tired of that one.

How about a little... ♪
knees above their brow ♪

yeah! Yeah!

I'm afraid I'm too overcome.

All right, let's sell some
beers around here.

I'll take two. All righty.

Oh, my aching back.

My postal career is over.

Ooh!

Cliff, you look terrible.

Yeah, yeah.

Was today sears catalogue day?

Yeah, and that's not all.

Spiegel catalogue came
out at the same time.

It's a phenomenon that
happens once every 27 years

when both marketing strategies
are in the same equinox.

Come here, you
great silly sausage.

What's going on?

Now, hush, pet, hush.

Fear not.

Uh, ooh!

1... 2...

[Crack]

Ahh.

Ahh.

Hey!

Lillian, thank you very much.

I feel like grabbing
every woman in the joint

and just dancing.

How much to put him
back the way he was?

Now Carla, I've got
customers to serve.

Well, Sammy, Lillian's
week is almost up.

Are you going to
be keeping her on?

I'm just dying of curiosity.

I big enough to
admit when I'm wrong.

She's a terrific waitress.

Customers love her.
She's absolutely perfect.

Yeah, and the best part is

there's no chance of any
romantic complications

to screw things up.

Oh, god, amen.

Boy, no more sex stuff

with anybody even remotely
connected with this bar.

Promise?

On my honor as a
great-looking human being.

Anyway, I think I've
just seen the woman

in whose arms I hope to die.

Ooh. Hi there.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Sam Malone... the
next great love of your life.

I've heard you yanks were bold.

Oh, my good... you know,
you sound exactly like...

Carolyn!

Mummy!

Sam.

Carla...

Your mother never told
me she had a daughter.

She never told me she
had such a handsome boss.

Aw, shucks.

Carolyn's visiting her old
mummy for a few days.

Hey, Lillian, you're up here.

Oh. Excuse me, dears,

I must go and teach this
bloke how to play a proper darts.

I'll be back in an
embarrassingly short time.

So, Carolyn...

How do you like Boston

now that you've seen the sight?

I love it.

Sam, could I talk to you?

Not now. Now.

Carla, I'm on final approach

and I've been cleared for
landing, you know what I mean?

Haul your butt over
here now, sky king.

Excuse me for a moment.

Yeah, what?

If you take Carolyn out,

it's gonna go bad like always.

And you are gonna lose the
best waitresses you've ever had.

Carla, I hardly...

I'm warning you, Sam. You
go out with her, and I quit.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Yeah? Try me.

Ok, ok. All right.

As far as I'm concerned,
Carolyn's off limits.

That's your brain talking, Sam.

I would like to hear
from the part of your body

that does the thinking.

It's in agreement 2.

I'm sorry to be such
a miserable host here.

So you're from england, huh?

Yes. I'm just in the
states for a few days

to shoot a layout
for British vogue.

Oh, now, wait a second
here. I think that calls

for a little of the old welcome
to the u.S. Champagne...

On the house.

Oh, great.

Yeah. A little of
the old bubbly here.

So you're a model, huh?

Yes. I do lingerie mostly.

You know... teddies,
merry widows, garter belts.

This is my portfolio.

I'll give you $1,000 for it.

I don't know if I want
any of you to look at it.

I only brought it
in to show mummy.

Aw... Aw... Aw...

Oh, now, come on, you guys.

Come on, come on.
Give her a little privacy.

Well, I suppose it
won't do any harm.

Well, all right. Here we go.

Mm-hmm.

That's a very interesting
shot. I like that one.

Oh, that's nice. That's
nice lighting on that one.

Bet they used an
f-stop on that one, huh?

Oh, now, see, I like the
composition on that one.

What are those, ducks?

Mmm, yes, that's right.

Oh, I really didn't want
to do this one nude,

but you know how...

No, no. I think
it's very tasteful.

It makes a point, I think.

Sammy. The ice.

Oh!

Um... thank you very much.

Um... will you just
give me a second here?

I'll be right back.

Carla, can I speak to
you for a moment here?

Remember that conversation
we had a minute ago

right over there about me
not going out with Carolyn?

Can we just pretend that
whole thing never took place?

You bet. I'll just
go pack my stuff.

Nice knowing you.

Now, listen, hey, come on.

The lady is coming on to me.

If I resist, I could
damage some organs.

I don't care.

If you go out with her, I quit.

Ok! All right,
ok, all right, fine.

There are millions of
women on this planet.

I can certainly
forgo one of them.

Kind of ironic,
though, isn't it,

that she's the most gorgeous
one that I've ever seen,

but, hey, that's
life, that's life.

That's all right.

Sam, the champagne is marvelous.

You certainly know how
to make a girl feel welcome.

What? No, that's nothing.

I do that for everybody.

She's really coming
on to Sam, isn't she?

Sam. That's rich.

Norm, your naiveté amazes me.

What are you talking about?

That woman, she's doing
all this for my benefit.

Notice how she's talking
loud so I can hear everything.

That woman wants me

more than any woman
has wanted me before.

Cliffie, sometimes
you really scare me.

Uh, Sam, what about
this Cape Cod place

I've been hearing about?

I hear that it's delightful

and terribly romantic
at this time of year.

Oh, well, you know, I
guess it could be, yeah.

Tell me, are there any
clothing optional beaches there?

I like to get an all-over tan.

Oh, I know it's a lot more
common in Europe than america,

so I came prepared
with a bikini,

but it's such a skimpy
little thing anyway.

Carla.

I'm having a real hard
time with this map.

I just can't make
head or tail of it.

I really don't think I'm gonna
be able to find my way there.

I'll take you.

I'll take you.

I'll take you.

Oh, great. What
a lovely surprise.

I'll take you.

I'll let Carla go,
and I'll take you.

I'll turn this into
a self-serve bar,

and I'll take...

When did you have in mind?

I'll take you right now,
right this very minute.

My car is outside.

What the hell is going on?

Carla, I can explain this.

You make me sick.

I know, I know.

I'll take you.

Listen...

Carla...

I'm a weak man.

Someday, I will find
a cure for what I have,

but please, let me have this.

Oh, Sam.

Hey, come on, please
don't make me beg, Carla.

Tell your mummy
not to make me beg.

Get up! Oh!

Is that a yes?

At least she's not Diane.

Look, I'll tell you
what. I'll tell you what.

What?

You go tell Lillian

that you're gonna
take her daughter out.

If she says it's ok, I'll
stick around for a while.

Is that all? Oh, I'll do it.

I'll make you so proud of me.

Just one more minute.

Have one more for the bed...

The beach... the road.

Lillian, Lillian, can I see
you in my office for a minute?

Certainly. Back
in a jiffy, darling.

Oh, super, mummy.

Carolyn's filling out
nicely, don't you think?

Mm-hmm.

Lillian,

I got a problem here.

In the past,

I've gotten into trouble
with my waitresses

by getting romantically
involved with them.

Now you are a
fantastic waitress.

I do not want to do
anything to lose you.

Don't say another word.

I understand you completely.

You do?

Of course.

Hey, thank you.

I just wanted to... well, I just
wanted to get your approval first.

Oh, Sam, how can
you be so civilized

when your very blood is boiling?

Don't you think I haven't
been feeling the same urges?

Don't you think

I haven't felt the same
unconquerable chemistry?

Don't you think that
denying ourselves

hasn't been as
treacherous for me

as it has for you?

That is what you
meant, isn't it?

You bet. No, no, um...

This whole thing just
kind of snuck up on me,

that's all.

Well, I won't pretend this
hasn't happened to me before.

Spend any amount of
time in a man's presence,

and I send out a sort of...

Well, let's face it,

erotic signals.

Would you... would you
wait here for just a minute?

I need to talk to Carla.

Carla?

Yeah, uh... Carla is the person

that I usually...

Trust me.

Oh, so, Sam, are you ready

to take me down to
that cape of yours?

One minute, just
one minute more.

What happened, and
I already know it's bad.

No, no. It's worse
than you think.

Lillian thought that I
wanted to go out with her.

She's sitting in there with a
case of third-degree sammies.

I knew it. I knew it.

Don't panic, will
you? Just trust me!

I can handle this.

We need a solution.

I can always fall back
on the truth, I guess.

Oh, no, you can't
do that. Uh-uh.

If you tell her that
you're not interested now,

she's gonna get hurt and quit.

If she gets hurt and quits,

I'll be hurt and quit.
If I get hurt and quit,

then you'll be as good as dead.

Oh, boy. What am I going to do?

My mind doesn't work like this.

It's trained to get
women into bed.

What would Diane do?

Talk till we puke.

Probably.

I got it. I got it.

Lillian is smarter than
us, right? Mm-hmm.

You go in there and tell her,

"Lillian, we can't
do this because...

Well, you know."

No, I don't.

No, Sam, that's what you say.

She'll think of something
and fill in the rest.

Oh, that's brilliant!
That's brilliant!

How does the part
go that I say again?

"We can't do this because...

Well, you know."

No, I don't. I wouldn't
be asking you

to repeat it if I did.

Oh, right, right, right.

That's perfect.

Sam, my dear, you're damp.

A sweat of passion.

Oh, Sam.

Lillian...

Lillian, we can't
do this because...

Well, you know.

Yes, I suppose I do.

You do?

Oh, god.

Sam, why are you dancing?

Well, I just... I was relieved
that I wasn't the only one

who knew why
we couldn't do this.

Oh, no, no.

I love this job.

I need this job.

Carla needs me so much.

I'd miss all these
wonderful people.

Sam, we must try to preserve
a proper working relationship

no matter what the pain.

I... it's sad. I mean, it's...

So very sad.

Buck up, Sam. I'm
sure it's all for the best.

You're young and not so schooled

in the ways of love as I.

Such a coupling could be fatal.

Unfortunately,

I've already had two
husbands die in bed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What did they die of?

You child.

Really?

Yes, they fainted,
which all my men do,

but they never came to.

They fainted?

You're saying
that that's normal?

Well, I don't want to gloat,

but yes, it has been known.

Were these, uh...

Were these healthy
guys to begin with?

Well, they weren't
athletes, such as yourself,

but they certainly
weren't weaklings.

Why do you ask?

Well, I was just
thinking that maybe...

No, no, you're right. You're
right. You're absolutely right.

Back to work.

Yes, we must get
back to work, Sammy.

I don't want to beat
this thing to death here,

but when these guys went,
were they, like, smiling?

Ear to ear.

And that was the grumpy one.

I'll be darned.

So, what happened?

Everything's ok, I guess.

Sam, are we ever
going to get to this cape?

Hmm? Oh!

Right.

Yes, right, right, right, right.

So you're going to take
my daughter sightseeing?

Well, only if it's ok with you.

I think it's an absolutely
wonderful idea.

Besides,

it will, uh...

Take your mind off
what you really want.

Yeah, yeah, maybe, maybe.

Well, Carolyn, it's
just you and me

off to the famous cape.

Here we go.

Do you mind if I ask you
kind of a personal question?

What's that?

Can you tell me, how
did your father die?

Well, the coroner said
it was a heart attack,

but we all know

it was mummy's
passion that killed him.

Well, that's... that's tragic.

Yes.

I suppose that's why
I hate sex so. Mmm.

The very idea
gives me the chills.

Well, let's go.

Didn't you... weren't you...