Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 20 - If Ever I Would Leave You - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Diane, are you ready?

It's time for the
sorrow and the pity.

Oh, you two going
straight home to bed?

You know it's a movie.

Oh, not just a movie.

It's the final feature in the
human brutality film festival.

Sammy, when's the
coach getting back

from visiting his sister?

He'll be in Minnesota
at least another week.

Is his sister anything
like the coach?



Let me put it this way.

He asked her to pick
him up at the airport.

She thought he meant
the Boston airport,

so she drove all the
way here to pick him up.

Fortunately, that's
what he meant.

They had lunch at the airport,

then they drove on to St. Paul.

Wait. Uh, uh...

But I thought she
lived in duluth, there.

She does, but they don't like
the food at the airport in duluth.

You know, actually,

coach will probably be back

before I could
explain this to you.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪



♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

What do you say
let's get out of here?

All the goofs have gone home.

Nobody to laugh
at or buy us beer.

I think our work here is done.

Amen.

Ooh, hey.

Is that Carla's positively
disgusting ex-husband Nick?

All right, things are
picking up, cliffie.

Have a seat.

Uh, hello, blondie.

I bet you thought you'd
never see me again, right?

Change "thought"
to "begged god,"

and you've got it exactly.

Hey, Nick.

Oh, hello, Sam.

And the rest of youse.

It's so good to see
some friendly faces.

My, can I use that now.

Something wrong, Nick?

Yeah, but let's not dwell on it.

It would tear your heart out.

Is Carla by any chance around?

No. She went home tonight.

Frasier, your tea is ready.

Oh. Um, Nick tortelli,

this is someone

with whom you have
absolutely nothing in common...

My paramour Dr. Frasier crane.

Doctor of what?
Can you get any pills?

I'm a psychiatrist. Uh...

Have we met?

You wouldn't by any chance
be the bogus missing link

exhibited at the
Amsterdam world's fair?

No, but you're not the
first person to ask me.

I wish I'd done
something like that.

Maybe my life would
be worth something.

Oh, boy. What's going on here?

What's the matter, Nick?

You remember my
lovely wife Loretta?

Sure do. Tall blonde?

She ran out on me.

You see, she always
wanted to be a singer.

She got an offer from
this big musical group

that's touring the country...
The grinning Americans.

The grinning what?

They're a group of
wholesome young people

who wear pullover
sweaters, sing patriotic songs.

They've had me and ma

marching around our living room

on more than one Sunday
afternoon, I can tell you.

You live with
your mother, cliff?

I have my own room.

I have my own hot plate.

You want to read
something sicko into that?

Well...

You're not the first guy
to lose a woman, Nick.

Yeah, but you haven't
heard the worst yet.

You see, Loretta
wouldn't marry me

unless I signed one of
them prenuptial agreements

and put everything in her name.

I was up to my eyeballs
in amore that night.

She got the house and
the tortelli television hospital.

Oh, ouch. Let me
get you a drink.

Oh, no, no. I couldn't. I
don't have anything, Sam.

I couldn't pay for it.

It's on the house.

Nick tortelli don't
take charity or pity...

Or soda, so make it neat.

I forgot my purse.

Nick. What the hell
are you doing here?

I came to see if I
have any friends left.

Sorry. Our new snail
pellets took care of them.

You look pretty, Carla.

The twinkie left
you, didn't she?

She took you for
everything, didn't she?

Please, tell me she
took you for everything.

I was born into this world
naked, and so shall I leave it.

But please stay fully
clothed the rest of the time.

You got a guy, Carla?

No. I swallowed a beach ball.

For your information, I
am not seeing anybody,

but the guy that knocked
me up and ran this time

is 10 times classier than
you. Now get out of here.

Carla, I know I have no reason
to expect any kindness from you.

I've treated you like dirt,

but I've come back
to start over again.

I'd like to make it up
to you and my children

if you'll give me a chance.

I don't know what to say, Nick.

Part of me wants
to laugh in your face.

The rest of me
wants to throw up.

Go with your heart.

Aw...

Just how dumb do you think I am?

She kicks you out, and
you expect me to believe

that you're a sweet, humble guy
who just wants to do right by me?

It's true, Carla. What would
it take to convince you?

Forget it.

Wait!

There. I'm going to hold
my hand over this flame

until you believe my sincerity.

Go ahead. I happen to be
fond of the smell of roast pig.

Oh, yuck. He's going to do it.

Say you believe me
and end my torment.

Say, Nick, uh...

Shouldn't you be
putting it a little closer

down to the flame?

What, are there rules to this?

It's plenty warm
up here where it is.

Nick, you're roach droppings.

I never want to see
you again in my life.

You're all friends.

You believe me, don't you?

You'll talk to her, won't you?

Come, Diane. We've
missed the sorrow,

but maybe we can
still catch the pity.

Mr. Tortelli, I hate to see
any human being suffering

without doing something to help.

Now, I'd like you to call this
number anytime, day or night.

Is this your office?

No, no. I'm far out
of your price range.

This is the number of a
promising graduate student.

You could put him on the map.

Good night, Sammy.

Nick.

Later, Nick.

You fellas going home
to your warm beds?

Uh... yeah, yeah.

That's where we're going.

You got a place to sleep
tonight, don't you, Nick?

Oh, yeah. In the
gutter out front.

Oh, good. As long
as you got a place.

Good night.

They say people don't
get involved, huh, cliff?

Hey, Nick, I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to close up here.

Yeah, I know.

Just one more thing, Sam, ok?

Could I do a few odd jobs
for you for a few bucks?

Boy, I really don't
need anything, Nick.

Sam, you don't understand.

I'll do anything.

A man without a
job isn't a man, Sam.

I'll sweep. I'll clean.

I'll get on my knees
and scrub the place.

The place will be spotless.

Please?

Yeah, ok.

Oh, Sam. Ah, thank you.

Thank you, Sam.

Thank you. God bless you, Sam.

God bless you.

Thank you.

The brooms are in
that closet over there.

Tonight?

That's a little short notice.

I'll do it.

Oh, hello, miss Carla.

You're looking
mighty pretty today.

Yeah, but that
railing looks terrible.

Terrible? I can
see my face in it.

That's what I mean. So can I.

Listen, I told you.

If he's bothering
you, I'll get rid of him.

I don't care what he does. I
enjoy seeing him grovel around.

Carla, god knows I was
as skeptical as you are,

but the man's been
working here for three weeks.

He's rented a room with a sink.

He's joined the young men's

Christian support group.

He's teaching himself
to play the harmonica.

Isn't it possible he's changed?

He's also clipped
his fingernails,

and he's talked about
subscribing to a magazine.

Ok.

But you look beyond
the glitter and flash.

That's the same old Nick.

He's just doing all this to
impress me so I'll take him back.

Is that such a bad idea, Carla?

I'm just asking.

Well, he may be
starting to pull the wool

over your eyes, but
he's not doing it to me.

If I take him back, I'm just
gonna end up getting hurt.

Carla, I'm certainly not gonna
be the one to argue his case,

but in the interest
of human charity,

perhaps you should
keep an open mind.

In the interest
of human charity,

I wouldn't walk across the room

to spit on his shoes.

Pardon me, common scrub person.

Is there a Nick tortelli here?

Loretta.

Nick, is that you?

No. It's the archbishop
of canterbury.

So, you couldn't
stay away from me.

The very idea is ludicrous.

We've simply
outgrown each other.

I'm living in the fast Lane now.

I hobnob with people you
wouldn't even feel comfortable with.

Why, last night I
met a headwaiter.

Oh, so you came to
rub my nose in it, right?

Hi, gang at cheers.

Just because I've
given Nick the boot

doesn't mean that we still
can't all be close friends.

Especially you, Carla.

After all, we did have
Nick tortelli in common.

Yeah. You, me, and
a thousand head lice.

Loretta, what are
you doing here?

These are the
final divorce papers.

Read them and sign them.

Please let's not
make this sticky.

If you think I'm gonna give you
any argument about this, you're nuts.

I'm over you, Loretta.

Carla won't give
me the time of day,

but I'd rather be scrubbing
the floor she walks on

than scrubbing the
floor that you walk on.

That wasn't too good,
but you get the picture.

Well, I'm glad to hear
that you're over me, Nick,

because as far as I'm concerned,

you're yesterday's newspapers.

Well, good-bye, gang at cheers.

I'm sorry you had to
witness this ugly scene.

Beat it!

And that, Carla,
if you'll excuse me

for ending a sentence
in a preposition,

is the man whose shoes

you wouldn't cross
the room to spit upon.

What can I say,
Diane? I was wrong.

It's a start.

May I take your coat, miss?

Knock it off, Nick, huh?

Please, for me.

Shame on me.

This coat rack needs to be
sanded down and varnished.

So you and Nick took the
kids out this afternoon, huh?

Yeah. Nick's idea.

We took 'em to the petting zoo

so they could slap the animals.

Listen, tonight after work,

me and you.

What do you say?

Like the old times, all right?

We'll go over to white
castle, get some burgers,

then catch some wrestling.

There's a couple of great
grudge matches tonight, huh?

Forget it, Nick.

I'd enjoy that
with a classy guy,

but you and I aren't happening.

Carla, what do I have to do?

Don't you believe
that people change?

I'm telling you, you hit rock
bottom, and you got to change,

or there's no living
with yourself otherwise.

Sam understands that.
He was a stinking drunk.

I had a problem, Nick, but...

And miss Diane understands.

She's hustling hooch now.

It wasn't too long ago

she was strapped to her bed

at the drooling academy.

It was only once that I
was restrained to my bed

for my own safety

when psychotropic drugs
affected my sense of balance,

that was only for a week
and a half, I was told.

And anyway, what are
we talking about me for?

Carla, why will you not relent?

Because I don't believe you
have it in you to be true to me.

I think if Loretta came back
and wanted you, you'd go to her.

Carla, you're gonna
believe me one day,

and I'm gonna
hang in until you do.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to finish oiling the
coasters on Sam's office chair.

Fixing the big
wheel's little wheels.

Well, I appreciate it, Nick.

Carla, you know,
for what it's worth,

cliff and I took alley oop there

to the drive-in
over the weekend.

All he could talk about was you.

Miss Carla this,
miss Carla that...

Listen, listen, listen,

I am tired of hearing all of you

defending that walking hairball.

You want to see why
I don't fall for his act?

Yeah, if you don't mind.

Ok. Ok, watch.

What's the extension
in your office?

Uh... 221.

Nick, this is Loretta.

I've been getting some of
those old feelings again, daddy.

I think we should
get together and talk.

I'm at the Baldwin hotel.

How soon do you think...

I got to get some cigarettes!

You don't smoke.

I'm going to start. I
heard good things.

No!

I'm not gonna go.

I'm not gonna go.

You know where I was going?

Loretta called me, and
she wanted to talk to me,

and I was about to go.

Then you know what happened?

I thought of you,

and I came to my senses.

Aw! Aw!

That wasn't Loretta, Nick.

That was Carla on the phone.

That was you?

Yes, daddy.

Then that was a test,

and I passed with flying colors.

Now do you believe me?

Carla...

How can you stand there

and deny the man
burgers and wrestling

with the woman he loves?

He knew it was me on the phone.

Carla, what more can I do?

That wasn't a good enough test.

Hi, Carla!

Hi, Nick.

Hiya, gang at cheers!

The real Loretta.

Surprise!

What do you want?

I want you back.

What?

Well...

This isn't easy to say,

and I don't know
what song it's from,

but there's a line in
some song that goes,

"I've got you under my skin."

I've got you under
my skin, Loretta.

What?

Oh, no!

This is going to
complicate things.

No, I was just telling
you the name of the song.

Oh! Pardon me.

Nick, what I'm
trying to say is...

Do you think that
there's ever a chance

that we'll get back
together again?

In my heart, I knew
this day would come.

The other day when I
was here with the papers,

something stirred inside of me.

When I got back
to the hotel room,

all I could think about was the way
you used to make me pour amaretto

in your chin dimples
so I could sip it out.

I've got so much to
learn from this man.

Loretta,

I don't feel anything
for you anymore.

You hear me? Nothing.

But when I threw you out,
you said you'd always love me.

I'm a complex guy.

You can say no to my words,

but can you say no to this?

And I've got another
one where this came from.

You're making a
fool outta yourself.

Beat it!

Huh!

This is one American

who's going to have trouble
grinning on-stage tonight!

Bravo, Nicholas!

Bravo!

Well, I have some
oiling to complete.

Carla!

Come on.

In god's name, what
more do you want?

This is one of the most
startling metamorphoses

one man has ever undergone!

True. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

You're all experts
on Nick tortelli, huh?

Yeah.

You all think I should
go back with him?

Not me. Mm-mmm.

I don't think you're
good enough for him.

Oh, come on, Carla.

Ok, ok.

I'm gonna take him back.

You all watch
what's gonna happen.

Nick, can I speak to you?

Uh, yes, miss Carla.

Nick...

I... I... I want you back.

I want to give you
another chance

to take care of me and the kids.

Oh, Carla!

You made me the
happiest man on earth.

Let's go to white
castle and celebrate.

I knew I'd get you back

if I kept scrubbing and mopping

and cleaning the ash
trays and believing,

but I gotta tell you...

That last test was the hardest.

Test, Nick?

Yeah. The way you actually got
Loretta to come here and do what she did.

I don't know how did you did it.

It wasn't a test, Nick.

Uh... it wasn't?

No.

She really wants me back?

That's right.

Oh.

Well, uh... Good.

I'm glad to see that you're
above that sort of thing.

It's you...

And me...

Forever.

Really, Nick?

I can't believe it.

Nick?

What's the matter?

I... I... I don't know.

Uh, something weird, Carla.

I can't control my body.

I don't know what's going on.

I'm going to find
a cure for this, uh,

if it kills me.

Uh, good-bye, Carla.

I love you.

Loretta!

Sam, on the way over
to the bar this morning,

I saw this amazing
cloud formation.

Really?

Yes. It looked like
a flock of sheep.

It was really...

Satisfied?

You're a-a-a-a-all

ignorant.

Uh, I...

I'm... I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say. We...

We made a terrible mistake.

But our regret is tempered
by our pride in you.

You didn't fall for him.

You didn't give in.

You stayed strong and
you came out on top.

This is your day, Carla.

Rejoice.

Yeah.

This is my day...

Except for one thing...

I love the monkey
more now than I ever did.

That monkey?

Oh...

It's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah.

I don't think it is.

Listen. What you're
feeling right now for Nick,

every woman has
felt at some time.

At one time or another,
we all fall for some guy

that we know isn't good for us.

We need excitement,

we need a walk on the wild side.

I know whereof I speak.

Believe it or not,
there are times

I'm irresistibly drawn
to that damn Sam...

Urai.

Samurai frasier crane.

Warrior of love.

That's what I call him...

Samurai...

Frasier crane. Frasier crane.