Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 19 - Behind Every Great Man - full transcript
Paula Nelson, a beautiful and intellectual reporter for Boston Scene magazine, is doing a story on the Boston single's scene. While at Cheers, she interviews Sam for her story. Sam being Sam, hits on her, but his womanizing approach gets him nowhere with her. He realizes that to get anywhere with her, he has to think like Diane. Although initially turned off by Sam, Paula eventually decides to go out with him based on his Diane-isms. She even agrees to go away with him for the weekend, to someplace that he once took Diane. Meanwhile, Diane and Frasier are having a tiff partly on what Frasier sees as Sam's attempts to win her back; this argument places Diane in a vulnerable emotional state. Diane is impressed by the new Sam she sees, the one who has a new passion for the arts, although she does not know that he is only using this information gleaned from her to impress Paula. A series of misunderstandings makes Diane believe that Sam wants to get back into a relationship with her, when in reality Sam is only interested in sleeping with Paula. Despite being in a relationship with Frasier, Diane thinks long and hard about getting back with Sam. Will Diane figure out that she and Sam are currently pursuing two different things before she opens herself back up to him?
Hey, cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
Delicious, Sammy.
Fortunately, I've
saved room for another.
Coming right up.
Whoa. Gentlemen, the keg is dry.
Whoa. A new keg
coming out, gents.
[Humming taps]
[Humming taps]
We'll miss you.
Say, guys do we
always have to do this?
We don't have to, Sammy.
It's an honor and a privilege.
The keg is dead.
Long live the keg.
The keg! The keg!
[Humming hail to the chief]
Norm?
Normie, normie, are you ok?
Oh, cliffie,
I swore it wouldn't
get to me this time.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Oh, hey, guys, I got a letter
from coach. He's in Ohio.
What's he doing in Ohio?
Uh, family reunion.
There are some pictures in
there of him with everybody.
Uh-huh. Let me see.
Whoa. Hey, that's a very
attractive family there, Sam,
but how come everybody
but the coach is black?
Well, that's not his family.
He was sent an
invitation by mistake.
He didn't want to hurt anybody's
feelings by not showing up.
Well, looks like
they've accepted him.
Are you kidding? He's been
going the last 6 or 7 years.
In fact, I think next year they're
gonna have it at his place.
Anyway, it says here,
"send my love to
everybody at cheers."
And he signs it, "uncle whitey."
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
What would you like, norm?
A reason to live.
Keep them coming.
You look a little
peaked there, my friend.
I'll be all right as soon
as my dinner settles.
You didn't eat at
the hungry heifer?
Yes, I did. The
place is all right.
I just didn't order
the right thing.
I just couldn't
resist the muscles.
Hey, I love seafood.
No. There's a big burly waiter.
He says shut up and eat.
Whoa. Va-va-va-voom, eh, norm?
I beg your pardon?
Hot babe at 12:00.
I think it's the next notch
on the old clavin bedpost.
The only notches on your bedpost
come from banging
your head in frustration.
Coming this way, cliffie.
It's times like these I
pity you married guys.
Hi. I'm Paula Nelson.
Oh. Norm Peterson. Hi.
Norm.
Hi. Clgh clbg...
Clgh clbg...
This smooth
talker is cliff clavin.
Hello, cliff.
Argh... bruh... phbi...
May I buy you and your
immigrant friend a beer?
Two beers, please.
Tu eh...
I'm a reporter for
Boston scene magazine.
I'm hoping that you can
give me some information
on the singles
scene here in Boston.
Sm... huck!
Have you met many
women here at cheers?
No. To tell you the truth, I
haven't had much success,
but how could I compete
with Cary Grant over there?
Ha ha! Sneck hoo humdum.
I notice you're not writing.
Look, don't waste your
time with these two geldings.
Beat it. Beat it!
Real smooth, cliffie.
Yeah. Well, it's
just a good thing
she identified herself
as a reporter, norm.
Otherwise, she would be
Dr. Feelgood's next patient.
Cliff, just how long did it take
for you to create this
little world you live in?
If you really want the
lowdown on the singles scene,
you ought to be talking to
the bar's owner... Sam Malone.
He'll give you all the
information you need
and make you breakfast
the next morning.
Since I've been
writing this article,
I've heard every
pick-up line imaginable.
I doubt that your Mr. Malone
has anything but a quote
that would be of service to me.
Well, la-Dee-da!
Hey, good-looking.
What you got cooking?
You must be Sam Malone.
The one and only.
Who might you be?
And do you like Italian food?
I'm Paula Nelson.
Hi, Paula.
Hi. I'm writing an
article on singles bars
for Boston scene magazine.
What would you consider to
be the major allure of this bar
for the singles crowd?
Well, you're gazing
hungrily at him, honey.
You're unbelievable.
I think the big guy's
going to whiff on this one.
No. Never. Not
in a million years.
Would you say that cheers
has a reputation as a singles bar?
I'll answer that
question seriously
if you'll answer one
of mine seriously. Ok.
Do you think it's possible for a
man to satisfy a woman too much?
In the 2 weeks I've
been doing research,
you're the first person
who's hit on me so relentlessly
that I've terminated
the interview.
Well, you should
have come to me first.
Would you excuse me?
You're not really
leaving, are you?
Sammy, dig it out!
Come on! You can do
it, babe! You can do it!
Hey, come on!
You don't really think
I was trying to pick you up
with those juvenile come-ons,
do you?
Why wouldn't I?
You did? She did!
Oh, no, I was just
giving you examples
of some of the stupid things
the guys say around here
to pick up women.
I mean, it's sad, isn't it?
Yeah. Well, be that as it may...
Wait a second.
I think it'll be fun
to help you with
the article here.
Bet you're looking for a quote.
Don't waste my time.
No, wait a second.
Wait a second.
You know, I always
say that, uh...
If it wasn't for all the people
who say they never
come to singles bars,
singles bars would
be out of business.
Diane used to say that?
When you talk all the time,
you're bound to say
everything eventually.
That's almost usable.
There's more where
that came from.
Listen, I tell you, why
don't we go up to melville's.
I'll share some of my thoughts
on the singles phenomenon,
and we'll have a
bowl of bouillabaisse.
Mr. Malone, is this
another come-on?
Are you plying me
with fish heads?
No. No, I promise.
We'll just talk
about the article, ok?
I do love bouillabaisse.
Yeah? I hear it's
an aphrodisiac.
But then again, when I'm around,
even oxygen's an aphrodisiac.
I can't believe you're
not writing down
these impossibly crude come-ons.
You know, Paula, I think
probably the hardest part of my job
is the daily face-to-face
encounter with loneliness.
Sammy! He did it!
Whee! Yeah!
We're number one!
Number one! Yeah!
Guys, does anybody remember
anything that Diane has
said about impressionism?
No, but I know she
makes a bad first one.
After that, it gets worse.
Why are you asking, Sam?
I found out Paula likes
French impressionists,
so I got to find some
smart things to say.
Yeah. She's a art buff,
and I'm a
Paula-in-the-buff buff.
Give up on this one, Sammy.
Listen, I'm doing just fine.
We've had two dates.
As long as I just keep
throwing out Diane-isms,
there's no problem.
Haven't you had your
fill of dames like that?
I thought that
disaster with Diane
would have soured
you on brainy women,
or women. Or life.
Listen, I want that
woman, Carla, ok?
What's so special
about this woman?
Well, if you must know, it's kind
of embarrassing to admit, but...
I've never had a
reporter before.
Oh... get out.
Well, I've never... I've never
had a magazine reporter
from the, uh... Boston area
with a circulation
of over a million.
Yeah. Go on.
Lately.
Ha ha ha!
All right, Sammy,
really, really.
What's special about this one?
I don't get it.
I understand it.
He always wants the
ones he can't have,
like this dame and me.
Listen, come on,
can't anybody think of something
that Diane said about painters?
Come on. She's out
of your league, Sammy.
Face it, you're
just one of us...
One of the great unwashed.
Excuse me, Sam.
Yeah.
I'm afraid I was all too brief
in my response to your
inquiry about cezanne.
Backgrounds were always
very important to him,
even during his early periods.
Eventually, however,
he completely broke
with renaissance perspective.
Aha. Well, now, that...
that makes sense.
Thank you very
much. That's great.
But that's still not the
reason that his paintings look,
as you so eloquently put it,
"like he was goofed
on skunkweed."
You know what I
was talking about.
No, no. I'm not
putting you down.
I think your newfound
interest in the arts
is completely laudable.
And I'd like to think that I
had something to do with it.
Oh, you did. You did.
Keep it up, big lug.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
"Background... important.
Ren-renaissance..."
A-i-s-s-a-n-c-e.
"Perspective."
Give up, cucumber-brain.
Hey, Sam, you got
this textbook here.
What are you asking
Diane questions for?
Well, it's more fun
to steal than study.
Anyway, I think it's kind of a
hot irony to be using Diane's brain
to get another woman's body.
I'll be in my office studying.
Hey, uh, Diane, how
about those pointillists, huh?
Ah. I think seurat
was the finest
naturalist of his time.
Oh, boy, you and
me both, sister.
Well, Diane, I'm off
to the fetish seminar.
I was hoping for
some sort of a...
Raccrochement
before I go out of town.
You know, frasier, I
thought I had seen you
at your lowest last night,
when you waited until the
kiwi tarts and the demitasse
to announce that you were
going to yet another seminar.
Diane, this is my most demanding
relationship I've ever been involved in!
Diane, am I
pronouncing this right...
Gi-vur-nee?
Giverny.
Thank you.
Seems that every time we try to
have a discussion about something,
it turns into... What
was that all about?
Sam is developing an interest
in the impressionists.
Hmm.
Hmm, what?
Hmm. This is suspicious.
I think it's part of Sam's
grand design to win you back.
Oh, not this again.
It's starting to sound
like a broken record.
Oh, now you're saying that I'm
redundant, that I repeat myself.
That I say things over and over.
You do repeat
yourself on the subject.
And it's very cynical
of you not to believe
that Sam is developing
an appreciation,
a genuine appreciation
for cultures.
Oh, I'm sorry, Diane. Just
one more question here.
What is it, Sam?
All right. Excuse me.
Ok, now, this rubens guy,
is this the same guy that
invented that sandwich?
No. I... I don't think so.
Well, ok. I was just
wondering, boy, 'cause I tell ya,
the women in his paintings
look like they really
tuck away the groceries.
You're right.
He'll be a curator in no time.
I hate that attitude! I hate it.
It's obviously futile
to try to talk to you
when you're being
so contentious.
Listen, this is the number
where I can be reached
should you be interested
in rational discourse.
You'll rue the day you did that!
Oh, frasier!
Diane? Oh, damn.
Ah, Carla. You remember
if Diane said anything
about renoir's bathers
seated on a rock?
Sammy, would you
give up on that egghead?
She's not good enough for you.
Besides, it didn't work
before, it's not gonna work now.
No, it was altogether
different before.
This time, I'm
going to do it right.
You really think it's
worth all this trouble?
Carla, ever since that
woman walked in this door,
I've wanted her.
And I'm not gonna give up
just because she thinks
she's smarter than I am.
Well, I don't like her.
Well, you made
that perfectly clear,
but nothing's going to stop me.
He wants me!
Hi?
Hi.
Sam, if there's
anything else I can do
to further stimulate
and arouse your
interest in the arts,
let me know.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
I'm so moved by your hunger...
For knowledge.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Afternoon, everybody.
So how was your meal
at the hungry heifer?
Cliff was a little
fussy at first,
but I think I made a
convert out of this guy.
Really?
Well, yeah. My steak
was a little grisly,
but what do you
expect from a place
decorated with a mural
depicting the heimlich maneuver?
Carla, take the
bar for me, will ya?
I got an important
phone call to make.
Yeah, cliffie had himself
the "ton 'o t-bone."
For less than $4.00,
you get 24 ounces
of usda choice beff.
Beff? No, you mean beef.
Beef? Don't be
ridiculous, cliffie.
That stuff is beff.
See, it's a hungry
heifer trademark
for a processed, synthetic...
What, uh, meat-like substance.
Aw, no...
Come on, what do
you expect for $4.00?
Do you see me complaining
about the lubster?
Hi, this is Sam Malone.
You remember me, do you?
That's great.
Listen, I'd like to
make a reservation
for tomorrow night,
but I want a particular room.
Do you remember
when I was there before
with a slender blonde
who was crazy about me?
Yeah. I want the same room.
Let's see, it had a fireplace,
a deck, and a hot tub.
Yeah, that's the one.
Great, I'd like to have
that one if you don't mind.
Yeah, I'm hoping it'll
create the same old magic.
Yeah. All right.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, I'll see you
tomorrow night. Bye-bye.
Heh heh.
Sammy, I hate to cast a
shadow over your good time,
but have you given any thought
as to who is gonna be
making drinks tomorrow
while you're making whoopee?
Damn. I didn't think about that.
Well, you can handle yourself
behind the bar, can't you?
Give up waiting on tables?
Aw. I get my heaviest
tips in my third trimester.
Well, what do you think?
Do you think Diane's ready
to handle this by herself?
Diane? What are
you talking about?
Come on, she's a worse
bartender than she is a waitress.
Besides, that one day you made her
do it for a couple hours, she hated it.
Well, I'll just have to
ask her nice, that's all.
Well, good luck, and good night.
Good night.
Well, Sam, I guess
I'll be going home...
Unless there's something
you'd like to talk to me about,
now that we're almost alone,
and you have a private moment.
Actually, there is
something I'd like to ask you.
Oh?
Ask away.
You've been acting
kind of strange today.
Is there...
Well, I've had
something on my mind.
Uh-huh.
Well. Yeah, me, too.
Uh...
This is going to be pretty
tough to ask you actually.
Sam, if it makes it any easier,
I know what you're going to ask.
You do?
Yes. I overheard
your conversation.
Perhaps I shouldn't
have, but I couldn't help it.
You're going to ask about
this weekend, aren't you?
Yeah. Listen, I know
the first time we tried this,
it didn't turn out too hot,
but I'm going to take
full responsibility for that.
Well, I'm sure that
I was at fault, too.
Well, whatever. I think
the important thing is
that it'll be better this time.
Now you know
where everything is.
Well, I suppose that's true.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
If you like this weekend,
maybe we can talk about
making it permanent.
What do you say?
Permanent?
Is that what you want, Sam?
Well, I'm not making
any promises here.
Let's just see how
the weekend goes, ok?
Is tomorrow at 3:00, ok?
'Cause I already
made reservations.
I know, and...
Sam, I'm... i'm
just overwhelmed.
Oh, come on, you
don't have to be nervous.
Listen, after your
first couple of drinks,
you'll relax, get into it.
I think you'll
actually enjoy it.
Well, it does seem to help.
Oh, Sam.
What, what, what?
Well, everything's
going so fast.
My mind is a tumult.
I feel like we're
on a runaway train.
Where will it end?
I-I've got to think
about this. I'm sorry.
Boy, you really are
taking this seriously.
Hey, listen. Don't worry!
If you break anything,
I'm fully insured.
Oh, excuse me.
My fault.
Oh, you take it.
Oh, no. No. You.
Thank you.
Nice day for a trip.
Yes, isn't it?
Where are you off to, um...
Paula.
Hmm. Diane.
I'm going away with a
gentleman for the weekend.
Ha. This is a
coincidence. So am I.
And you're meeting him here?
Yes.
Me, too.
Ha ha ha.
Small world, huh?
Yeah.
You know, it's my first
weekend with this guy.
And I just hope I'm not
making a big mistake.
Frankly, he's got me puzzled.
I start to think he's
a big, dumb jerk,
and then he says
something kind of intelligent.
Well, I'm lucky.
I know mine's a big, dumb jerk.
But we have something
that just won't die.
Kinda like crabgrass.
Well, that's a lovely thought.
Ha ha ha!
Hmm.
You know, I know I may be making
the biggest mistake of my life.
I'm seeing an eminent
psychiatrist now.
Well, so am I.
Is it helping you?
No. No, no. I mean romantically.
Oh.
And I may be
giving all of that up
just to rekindle a mostly
physical relationship
whose only appeal
may be its danger.
So, where are you
going with this guy?
He's taking me to an
inn on the coast of Maine.
Th-this is amazing.
Oh, you don't mean...
Oh, my god.
Hey, Paula.
Sam.
Boy, good to see you. You, too.
Ready for a trip
down ecstasy Lane?
Yes. I think so.
Good. Hey, Diane, how you doing?
Fine. Great.
Great.
Really well.
Listen. You gonna be
all right here by yourself?
Oh, you bet.
You two just go off and have
yourselves a terribly nice time.
Ok, thank you, thank you.
Listen, if you run
into any problems,
Carla knows where to reach me.
I appreciate this.
Good-bye, Diane.
Uh-huh.
What's with the suitcase?
Oh, that's not my suitcase.
Who said it was my
suitcase? No. Uh-uh.
It looks like yours.
Oh, there are a
million of these around.
This one belongs
to... This gentlemen.
Sir?
Really.
Now don't leave
this lying around.
Anybody could just
walk right off with it.
It'll never happen again.
Well, have fun, Sam.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. I... I will.
You!
Hell. That's the most
fun I've had since 1958.
before a live studio audience.
Delicious, Sammy.
Fortunately, I've
saved room for another.
Coming right up.
Whoa. Gentlemen, the keg is dry.
Whoa. A new keg
coming out, gents.
[Humming taps]
[Humming taps]
We'll miss you.
Say, guys do we
always have to do this?
We don't have to, Sammy.
It's an honor and a privilege.
The keg is dead.
Long live the keg.
The keg! The keg!
[Humming hail to the chief]
Norm?
Normie, normie, are you ok?
Oh, cliffie,
I swore it wouldn't
get to me this time.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Oh, hey, guys, I got a letter
from coach. He's in Ohio.
What's he doing in Ohio?
Uh, family reunion.
There are some pictures in
there of him with everybody.
Uh-huh. Let me see.
Whoa. Hey, that's a very
attractive family there, Sam,
but how come everybody
but the coach is black?
Well, that's not his family.
He was sent an
invitation by mistake.
He didn't want to hurt anybody's
feelings by not showing up.
Well, looks like
they've accepted him.
Are you kidding? He's been
going the last 6 or 7 years.
In fact, I think next year they're
gonna have it at his place.
Anyway, it says here,
"send my love to
everybody at cheers."
And he signs it, "uncle whitey."
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
What would you like, norm?
A reason to live.
Keep them coming.
You look a little
peaked there, my friend.
I'll be all right as soon
as my dinner settles.
You didn't eat at
the hungry heifer?
Yes, I did. The
place is all right.
I just didn't order
the right thing.
I just couldn't
resist the muscles.
Hey, I love seafood.
No. There's a big burly waiter.
He says shut up and eat.
Whoa. Va-va-va-voom, eh, norm?
I beg your pardon?
Hot babe at 12:00.
I think it's the next notch
on the old clavin bedpost.
The only notches on your bedpost
come from banging
your head in frustration.
Coming this way, cliffie.
It's times like these I
pity you married guys.
Hi. I'm Paula Nelson.
Oh. Norm Peterson. Hi.
Norm.
Hi. Clgh clbg...
Clgh clbg...
This smooth
talker is cliff clavin.
Hello, cliff.
Argh... bruh... phbi...
May I buy you and your
immigrant friend a beer?
Two beers, please.
Tu eh...
I'm a reporter for
Boston scene magazine.
I'm hoping that you can
give me some information
on the singles
scene here in Boston.
Sm... huck!
Have you met many
women here at cheers?
No. To tell you the truth, I
haven't had much success,
but how could I compete
with Cary Grant over there?
Ha ha! Sneck hoo humdum.
I notice you're not writing.
Look, don't waste your
time with these two geldings.
Beat it. Beat it!
Real smooth, cliffie.
Yeah. Well, it's
just a good thing
she identified herself
as a reporter, norm.
Otherwise, she would be
Dr. Feelgood's next patient.
Cliff, just how long did it take
for you to create this
little world you live in?
If you really want the
lowdown on the singles scene,
you ought to be talking to
the bar's owner... Sam Malone.
He'll give you all the
information you need
and make you breakfast
the next morning.
Since I've been
writing this article,
I've heard every
pick-up line imaginable.
I doubt that your Mr. Malone
has anything but a quote
that would be of service to me.
Well, la-Dee-da!
Hey, good-looking.
What you got cooking?
You must be Sam Malone.
The one and only.
Who might you be?
And do you like Italian food?
I'm Paula Nelson.
Hi, Paula.
Hi. I'm writing an
article on singles bars
for Boston scene magazine.
What would you consider to
be the major allure of this bar
for the singles crowd?
Well, you're gazing
hungrily at him, honey.
You're unbelievable.
I think the big guy's
going to whiff on this one.
No. Never. Not
in a million years.
Would you say that cheers
has a reputation as a singles bar?
I'll answer that
question seriously
if you'll answer one
of mine seriously. Ok.
Do you think it's possible for a
man to satisfy a woman too much?
In the 2 weeks I've
been doing research,
you're the first person
who's hit on me so relentlessly
that I've terminated
the interview.
Well, you should
have come to me first.
Would you excuse me?
You're not really
leaving, are you?
Sammy, dig it out!
Come on! You can do
it, babe! You can do it!
Hey, come on!
You don't really think
I was trying to pick you up
with those juvenile come-ons,
do you?
Why wouldn't I?
You did? She did!
Oh, no, I was just
giving you examples
of some of the stupid things
the guys say around here
to pick up women.
I mean, it's sad, isn't it?
Yeah. Well, be that as it may...
Wait a second.
I think it'll be fun
to help you with
the article here.
Bet you're looking for a quote.
Don't waste my time.
No, wait a second.
Wait a second.
You know, I always
say that, uh...
If it wasn't for all the people
who say they never
come to singles bars,
singles bars would
be out of business.
Diane used to say that?
When you talk all the time,
you're bound to say
everything eventually.
That's almost usable.
There's more where
that came from.
Listen, I tell you, why
don't we go up to melville's.
I'll share some of my thoughts
on the singles phenomenon,
and we'll have a
bowl of bouillabaisse.
Mr. Malone, is this
another come-on?
Are you plying me
with fish heads?
No. No, I promise.
We'll just talk
about the article, ok?
I do love bouillabaisse.
Yeah? I hear it's
an aphrodisiac.
But then again, when I'm around,
even oxygen's an aphrodisiac.
I can't believe you're
not writing down
these impossibly crude come-ons.
You know, Paula, I think
probably the hardest part of my job
is the daily face-to-face
encounter with loneliness.
Sammy! He did it!
Whee! Yeah!
We're number one!
Number one! Yeah!
Guys, does anybody remember
anything that Diane has
said about impressionism?
No, but I know she
makes a bad first one.
After that, it gets worse.
Why are you asking, Sam?
I found out Paula likes
French impressionists,
so I got to find some
smart things to say.
Yeah. She's a art buff,
and I'm a
Paula-in-the-buff buff.
Give up on this one, Sammy.
Listen, I'm doing just fine.
We've had two dates.
As long as I just keep
throwing out Diane-isms,
there's no problem.
Haven't you had your
fill of dames like that?
I thought that
disaster with Diane
would have soured
you on brainy women,
or women. Or life.
Listen, I want that
woman, Carla, ok?
What's so special
about this woman?
Well, if you must know, it's kind
of embarrassing to admit, but...
I've never had a
reporter before.
Oh... get out.
Well, I've never... I've never
had a magazine reporter
from the, uh... Boston area
with a circulation
of over a million.
Yeah. Go on.
Lately.
Ha ha ha!
All right, Sammy,
really, really.
What's special about this one?
I don't get it.
I understand it.
He always wants the
ones he can't have,
like this dame and me.
Listen, come on,
can't anybody think of something
that Diane said about painters?
Come on. She's out
of your league, Sammy.
Face it, you're
just one of us...
One of the great unwashed.
Excuse me, Sam.
Yeah.
I'm afraid I was all too brief
in my response to your
inquiry about cezanne.
Backgrounds were always
very important to him,
even during his early periods.
Eventually, however,
he completely broke
with renaissance perspective.
Aha. Well, now, that...
that makes sense.
Thank you very
much. That's great.
But that's still not the
reason that his paintings look,
as you so eloquently put it,
"like he was goofed
on skunkweed."
You know what I
was talking about.
No, no. I'm not
putting you down.
I think your newfound
interest in the arts
is completely laudable.
And I'd like to think that I
had something to do with it.
Oh, you did. You did.
Keep it up, big lug.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
"Background... important.
Ren-renaissance..."
A-i-s-s-a-n-c-e.
"Perspective."
Give up, cucumber-brain.
Hey, Sam, you got
this textbook here.
What are you asking
Diane questions for?
Well, it's more fun
to steal than study.
Anyway, I think it's kind of a
hot irony to be using Diane's brain
to get another woman's body.
I'll be in my office studying.
Hey, uh, Diane, how
about those pointillists, huh?
Ah. I think seurat
was the finest
naturalist of his time.
Oh, boy, you and
me both, sister.
Well, Diane, I'm off
to the fetish seminar.
I was hoping for
some sort of a...
Raccrochement
before I go out of town.
You know, frasier, I
thought I had seen you
at your lowest last night,
when you waited until the
kiwi tarts and the demitasse
to announce that you were
going to yet another seminar.
Diane, this is my most demanding
relationship I've ever been involved in!
Diane, am I
pronouncing this right...
Gi-vur-nee?
Giverny.
Thank you.
Seems that every time we try to
have a discussion about something,
it turns into... What
was that all about?
Sam is developing an interest
in the impressionists.
Hmm.
Hmm, what?
Hmm. This is suspicious.
I think it's part of Sam's
grand design to win you back.
Oh, not this again.
It's starting to sound
like a broken record.
Oh, now you're saying that I'm
redundant, that I repeat myself.
That I say things over and over.
You do repeat
yourself on the subject.
And it's very cynical
of you not to believe
that Sam is developing
an appreciation,
a genuine appreciation
for cultures.
Oh, I'm sorry, Diane. Just
one more question here.
What is it, Sam?
All right. Excuse me.
Ok, now, this rubens guy,
is this the same guy that
invented that sandwich?
No. I... I don't think so.
Well, ok. I was just
wondering, boy, 'cause I tell ya,
the women in his paintings
look like they really
tuck away the groceries.
You're right.
He'll be a curator in no time.
I hate that attitude! I hate it.
It's obviously futile
to try to talk to you
when you're being
so contentious.
Listen, this is the number
where I can be reached
should you be interested
in rational discourse.
You'll rue the day you did that!
Oh, frasier!
Diane? Oh, damn.
Ah, Carla. You remember
if Diane said anything
about renoir's bathers
seated on a rock?
Sammy, would you
give up on that egghead?
She's not good enough for you.
Besides, it didn't work
before, it's not gonna work now.
No, it was altogether
different before.
This time, I'm
going to do it right.
You really think it's
worth all this trouble?
Carla, ever since that
woman walked in this door,
I've wanted her.
And I'm not gonna give up
just because she thinks
she's smarter than I am.
Well, I don't like her.
Well, you made
that perfectly clear,
but nothing's going to stop me.
He wants me!
Hi?
Hi.
Sam, if there's
anything else I can do
to further stimulate
and arouse your
interest in the arts,
let me know.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
I'm so moved by your hunger...
For knowledge.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Afternoon, everybody.
So how was your meal
at the hungry heifer?
Cliff was a little
fussy at first,
but I think I made a
convert out of this guy.
Really?
Well, yeah. My steak
was a little grisly,
but what do you
expect from a place
decorated with a mural
depicting the heimlich maneuver?
Carla, take the
bar for me, will ya?
I got an important
phone call to make.
Yeah, cliffie had himself
the "ton 'o t-bone."
For less than $4.00,
you get 24 ounces
of usda choice beff.
Beff? No, you mean beef.
Beef? Don't be
ridiculous, cliffie.
That stuff is beff.
See, it's a hungry
heifer trademark
for a processed, synthetic...
What, uh, meat-like substance.
Aw, no...
Come on, what do
you expect for $4.00?
Do you see me complaining
about the lubster?
Hi, this is Sam Malone.
You remember me, do you?
That's great.
Listen, I'd like to
make a reservation
for tomorrow night,
but I want a particular room.
Do you remember
when I was there before
with a slender blonde
who was crazy about me?
Yeah. I want the same room.
Let's see, it had a fireplace,
a deck, and a hot tub.
Yeah, that's the one.
Great, I'd like to have
that one if you don't mind.
Yeah, I'm hoping it'll
create the same old magic.
Yeah. All right.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, I'll see you
tomorrow night. Bye-bye.
Heh heh.
Sammy, I hate to cast a
shadow over your good time,
but have you given any thought
as to who is gonna be
making drinks tomorrow
while you're making whoopee?
Damn. I didn't think about that.
Well, you can handle yourself
behind the bar, can't you?
Give up waiting on tables?
Aw. I get my heaviest
tips in my third trimester.
Well, what do you think?
Do you think Diane's ready
to handle this by herself?
Diane? What are
you talking about?
Come on, she's a worse
bartender than she is a waitress.
Besides, that one day you made her
do it for a couple hours, she hated it.
Well, I'll just have to
ask her nice, that's all.
Well, good luck, and good night.
Good night.
Well, Sam, I guess
I'll be going home...
Unless there's something
you'd like to talk to me about,
now that we're almost alone,
and you have a private moment.
Actually, there is
something I'd like to ask you.
Oh?
Ask away.
You've been acting
kind of strange today.
Is there...
Well, I've had
something on my mind.
Uh-huh.
Well. Yeah, me, too.
Uh...
This is going to be pretty
tough to ask you actually.
Sam, if it makes it any easier,
I know what you're going to ask.
You do?
Yes. I overheard
your conversation.
Perhaps I shouldn't
have, but I couldn't help it.
You're going to ask about
this weekend, aren't you?
Yeah. Listen, I know
the first time we tried this,
it didn't turn out too hot,
but I'm going to take
full responsibility for that.
Well, I'm sure that
I was at fault, too.
Well, whatever. I think
the important thing is
that it'll be better this time.
Now you know
where everything is.
Well, I suppose that's true.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
If you like this weekend,
maybe we can talk about
making it permanent.
What do you say?
Permanent?
Is that what you want, Sam?
Well, I'm not making
any promises here.
Let's just see how
the weekend goes, ok?
Is tomorrow at 3:00, ok?
'Cause I already
made reservations.
I know, and...
Sam, I'm... i'm
just overwhelmed.
Oh, come on, you
don't have to be nervous.
Listen, after your
first couple of drinks,
you'll relax, get into it.
I think you'll
actually enjoy it.
Well, it does seem to help.
Oh, Sam.
What, what, what?
Well, everything's
going so fast.
My mind is a tumult.
I feel like we're
on a runaway train.
Where will it end?
I-I've got to think
about this. I'm sorry.
Boy, you really are
taking this seriously.
Hey, listen. Don't worry!
If you break anything,
I'm fully insured.
Oh, excuse me.
My fault.
Oh, you take it.
Oh, no. No. You.
Thank you.
Nice day for a trip.
Yes, isn't it?
Where are you off to, um...
Paula.
Hmm. Diane.
I'm going away with a
gentleman for the weekend.
Ha. This is a
coincidence. So am I.
And you're meeting him here?
Yes.
Me, too.
Ha ha ha.
Small world, huh?
Yeah.
You know, it's my first
weekend with this guy.
And I just hope I'm not
making a big mistake.
Frankly, he's got me puzzled.
I start to think he's
a big, dumb jerk,
and then he says
something kind of intelligent.
Well, I'm lucky.
I know mine's a big, dumb jerk.
But we have something
that just won't die.
Kinda like crabgrass.
Well, that's a lovely thought.
Ha ha ha!
Hmm.
You know, I know I may be making
the biggest mistake of my life.
I'm seeing an eminent
psychiatrist now.
Well, so am I.
Is it helping you?
No. No, no. I mean romantically.
Oh.
And I may be
giving all of that up
just to rekindle a mostly
physical relationship
whose only appeal
may be its danger.
So, where are you
going with this guy?
He's taking me to an
inn on the coast of Maine.
Th-this is amazing.
Oh, you don't mean...
Oh, my god.
Hey, Paula.
Sam.
Boy, good to see you. You, too.
Ready for a trip
down ecstasy Lane?
Yes. I think so.
Good. Hey, Diane, how you doing?
Fine. Great.
Great.
Really well.
Listen. You gonna be
all right here by yourself?
Oh, you bet.
You two just go off and have
yourselves a terribly nice time.
Ok, thank you, thank you.
Listen, if you run
into any problems,
Carla knows where to reach me.
I appreciate this.
Good-bye, Diane.
Uh-huh.
What's with the suitcase?
Oh, that's not my suitcase.
Who said it was my
suitcase? No. Uh-uh.
It looks like yours.
Oh, there are a
million of these around.
This one belongs
to... This gentlemen.
Sir?
Really.
Now don't leave
this lying around.
Anybody could just
walk right off with it.
It'll never happen again.
Well, have fun, Sam.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. I... I will.
You!
Hell. That's the most
fun I've had since 1958.