Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 18 - Bar Bet - full transcript
Sam has to find a woman named Jacqueline Bisset and marry her so that he can win a bet he made when he was off the wagon and keep the bar.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Mm-mmm. Chekhov.
Nope, norm. Ibsen. It was ibsen.
I'm telling you, it was Chekhov.
I can remember what it
was. It was the cherry orchard.
You're full of it. It was ibsen.
It was the master builder.
It was Chekhov. I'm telling you.
Ibsen. Ibsen. Ibsen.
Chekhov. Chekhov.
Ibsen. Ibsen.
Excuse me, I don't mean
to stop you by any means,
but you are talking about Anton
Chekhov and Henrik ibsen?
Of course we're talking
about Anton Chekhov
and Henrik ibsen.
Cliffie, listen to me.
Wonderful.
Perhaps I might be
of some assistance.
I would love in some
small way to contribute
to your literary inquiry.
Well, I supposed
she can help, huh?
Please, please.
Well, yeah, if
anybody can, you can.
I'd like to think so.
Ok. What were you watching on TV
that night that norm stuffed
his face full of cheese doodles
and whistled the way we were?
Ibsen, and it was taco chips.
Pay up. Let's go.
All right, all right.
Now that I think of it,
I guess it was Chekhov
and cheese doodles
the night Artie
Sullivan tried to prove
he could comb his
hair with his feet.
Yeah, you're on thin ice
arguing the classics
with me there, buckaroo.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Hey, Sammy, long time!
Hey, it has been a long
time. How you been, huh?
About the same. And you?
Well, you know
me, I never change.
What will you have?
I'll have my usual.
Woo! You still
drinking that stuff?
Yeah.
Who is that guy?
I don't know. He's your friend.
I've never seen him. Any
of you guys know him?
Trust me, Sam, the man's
never been in this place before.
I'm good at placing faces.
Yeah? Then place yours
where we can't see it.
Wish coach were here.
He'd know who he was.
Where is the coach?
He went to get his
driver's license renewed.
He'll be back next week.
What's taking him so long?
He went up to Vermont.
He heard the test was
a lot easier up there.
Sam, why don't you just ask
this man what his name is?
It's better one minute of embarrassment
than making a fool of yourself.
Nah. Too easy.
I can handle this.
You know how good I am
at thinking on my feet.
Well, I have seen you
add and subtract on them.
Subtraction must kinda hurt.
Watch and learn.
Hey, instead of your usual,
I thought you might like
a Manhattan here, huh?
Well, a Manhattan is my usual.
Gotcha.
Aw.
Hey, uh, how's the
work doing, huh?
Uh, fine.
You still working
the same place?
What was the name of that?
It's got a real funny name.
My house.
My house, right.
Yeah, I still get
a kick out of that.
Yeah, I'm still working the same
crummy job stuffing envelopes,
but I'm glad you
find that funny.
I didn't mean funny in
the humorous sense.
I meant funny more in the...
Who the hell are you?
I'm Eddie Gordon.
Eddie Gordon.
I... I don't know
who Eddie Gordon is.
Well, you should. About a
year ago you bet me your bar
that you could marry Jacqueline
bisset by midnight tomorrow.
I bet... oh, come on.
Who the hell...
oh, Eddie Gordon.
How the hell you doing, Eddie?
It coming back to you, Sam?
Yeah, yeah. I'm a little hazy.
I had a few too many that night.
No, no. You had a
lot too many that night.
Well, I was goin' through
a pretty rough period.
So, how are you and
Jackie getting along?
You know, I felt
a little slighted
when I wasn't
invited to the wedding.
Ha ha! Boy, I must have
been drinking Tequila, huh?
Yeah, I always want
Jacqueline bisset
when I drink Tequila.
But I bet you don't
always write it down,
signing your name
in front of witnesses.
Did that, too, huh?
Yeah. Keep it. It's a copy.
Aw, hey, listen,
this was obviously
a joke, Eddie.
Come on, now, I'm no expert,
but I know a little
bit about the law.
And this sounds
like a crock, pal.
No way you'll ever own this bar.
Well, when I take over,
I'm thinking of serving
free chicken wings.
Sorry, Sam, the law's the law.
We used to have
those little meatballs.
You know, with a sterno flame.
I don't want you to
take this personally,
but as a drinking
partner, you stink.
Well, sorry you
feel that way, Sam.
Look, I'll see you
tomorrow at midnight...
When the bar becomes mine.
Have you thought about serving
those little crab puffs?
They're very popular.
Melville's has a recipe
with mustard sauce.
If you're serious about this,
you don't have
a leg to stand on.
Most snakes don't.
We'll find out in court.
Yeah, my attorney's
looked it over.
He says we got a shot.
Sam, don't get so upset.
You're still gonna
have your job.
I'm going to need a bartender.
You actually went out
drinking with that man?
That's not the worst of it.
I think I picked up the bill.
Oh... this has got to
be a joke, doesn't it?
Why don't you let an
attorney take a look at that.
Do you know one?
Have you finally passed
the Massachusetts bar
on the rarely used pity clause?
You know, when I
pass my bar exam, cliff,
you are going to eat your words.
If I've got any teeth left.
All right, what do
you think there,
Mr. Witless for the prosecution?
It appears that you and Eddie
Gordon signed an agreement
which may or may not be binding.
Oh, hey, Tom, knock
off the legalese, will you?
Talk in a language we
can understand here.
You want to trust me here, Sam?
This thing will never hold up.
You were drunk
at the time, right?
And besides,
it's not a contract.
It's a wager.
You're gonna win this case easy.
Tom's right. Let this
Eddie press his case.
We'll engage an excellent lawyer
and make a monkey
out of that man.
Oh, boy. Oh.
What? What's wrong?
If you don't trust Tom,
get a second opinion.
Yeah.
No. I can't let Eddie
take me to court.
Why not?
I'd have to stand up
and testify I was drunk
and made an idiot of myself.
Are you worried
about the publicity?
Yeah. I mean, the press
wasn't exactly kind to me
when I drank myself
out of baseball.
I'd almost rather lose the bar
than go through
that humiliation again.
Oh, Sam.
Quit acting human.
It confuses me.
I don't suppose you
could just go ahead
and marry her, could you?
Oh, yeah. Find, meet, woo
Jacqueline bisset in 2 days?
Heh. Ah, it'd take
at least a week.
You kiddin' me? 5
workin' days tops, Sam.
Hey, wait, I got an idea.
You mean you've actually
conceived something besides a child?
Whoo. Ooh.
A bitter and unprovoked attack.
I like it.
What have you got?
This thing here, it
doesn't say anything
about having to marry the
Jacqueline bisset, the movie actress.
There's got to be more
than one Jacqueline bisset
in the world.
Marry one of those, win
the bet, get a quick divorce.
Eddie won't be
able to say a thing.
You mean all I have to do
is find another
Jacqueline bisset
and marry her by tomorrow
night? It can't be that simple.
Uh, Sam...
Hush, hush, hush. I'm thinking.
Someone note the
date and the time.
Guys, you got to help me.
We got to call information
all over the country.
Sammy, I think I can
already help you out there.
At home I happen to
have the phone books
of every metropolitan
area in the country.
Why?
Well, I'm one of those people
who collect phone
book cover art.
One of those.
This is gonna be fun.
We'll call all over the country
and find anybody with
the last name bisset,
ask if they have a
relative named Jacqueline,
and then talk them into
coming up to Boston.
Are you with me?
Yeah! Yeah!
So much for the sun belt.
Norm, you philistine.
You just put a fold in
sunrise over Albuquerque.
Hey, boys, boys, boys.
I would have thought there would
be a few Jacqueline bissets around.
It can't be that
uncommon a name.
Sam, I got a Jacqueline
bisset on the phone.
Oh, pay dirt.
She sounds real sweet.
There's just one catch...
She's 93. She lives in
a rest home in Maine.
So is she married?
I didn't ask.
Well, ask.
Are you married?
She's got a 94-year-old husband.
Been married 73 years.
Happy years?
Oh!
Sammy, just talked to a man
in green bank, West Virginia.
He's got a granddaughter
named Jacqueline bisset,
26 years old and unmarried.
Well, that's great.
Let me talk to her.
No. I already did. Jackie will
be here tomorrow morning.
Hey, how did you do it?
A little ingenuity. You know,
I told her she won
a trip to Boston
on a radio game show.
Yeah, so once she gets here,
all you have to do is
convince her to marry you.
I could kiss you, man.
Well, yeah, you
can, but I warn you,
you're not gonna get
anywhere. Ha ha... eh...
I offered her a few
prizes, too, Sammy,
to induce her to come up.
That's good. Like what?
Free round-trip
airfare, first-class,
suite at the ritz,
free historical tour,
matched set of luggage.
Why didn't you just offer a car?
Well, I did, but she
took the cash instead.
Only kidding, Sammy.
The point is she'll be here.
You're right. My
problems are over.
Aren't you forgetting
one important step?
What?
You still have to
get her to marry you.
Well, that's no problem.
As soon as I get
her face to face,
she'll fall under the
old Sammy spell.
You killer.
Sam Malone,
your vanity knows no bounds.
All the same, I guess I
ought to wear something nice,
my best outfit.
Say, Diane, when you dream
of me, what am I wearing?
An anthill.
Congratulations, coach.
I mean, all the
weeks of cramming,
burning the midnight oil,
and drilling with your friends,
I mean, it's all paid off.
We're proud of you.
Yeah, all right. Take care.
Coach pass his driver's test?
No, he found Vermont.
So when's your
ex-wife-to-be to be here?
She's supposed to be here now.
Cliff was supposed to pick her
up at the airport two hours ago.
Are you all ready for her?
I don't know.
What do you think?
Yes, any girl would jump
at the chance to marry you.
Sam, there is one
problem, however.
I believe I detect
a hint of fresh air
cutting through your Cologne.
Ooh, you're kidding?
Must have missed
a couple of important
pulse points, huh?
All right. Thank you.
This is cheers, miss bisset.
That's Sam Malone.
Well, he is good-lookin'.
The bad news is he talks.
Uh, Sammy, Jackie bisset.
Miss bisset, Sam Malone.
Oh, boy, thank you for
coming. Thank you for coming.
Cliff, why don't you set
those bags down right here.
Why don't you
come sit by the bar?
Listen, did cliff explain
why we need you?
Yes, he did,
and I'm not marrying anybody,
except in the usual way
where the groom
isn't a total stranger.
Well, I understand
that, I understand that.
But this isn't really
like a real marriage.
I mean, just for a few
hours until I win a bet,
then we'll get it
annulled tomorrow.
No fuss, no muss. Hey,
listen, I tell you what,
why don't you just consider
it a warm-up for the real thing.
Uh, no. I'm sorry.
I'm just not interested.
Listen, I almost
didn't make this trip
when I thought it was
a legitimate contest.
But, I said to myself,
"now, Jackie bisset,
nothin' like this is ever
gonna happen to you again."
And so, I kissed my dog smiley
and waved good-bye
to my pa, and here I am.
Knock it off.
You don't talk like that.
Listen, I know this whole thing's
been handled in a very stupid way,
almost ridiculous,
but I really am in a jam here.
I tell you what. We
promised you a guided tour.
Why don't I take you for a ride
around the city, show you the sites,
and I'll explain my
whole story here.
I know just the place
to start, too... city hall,
very historic, and we
could get a marriage license.
I really don't think so. No.
What's holding you up here?
You have a chance to help one
of the greatest guys in the world.
I barely know him.
Well, let me fill you in.
Anybody here
would do anything
for this guy, right?
Exactly. Sure.
Look, look, look, look.
Just hear him out.
Please. All right?
Well, I never have
been to Boston.
I always wanted to see it.
Well, I tell you what,
you tell me your story,
and I'll about think it.
You got a deal.
You're gonna love this.
The Sam Malone pre-nuptial tour.
We'll start off with
the u.S.S. Constitution,
then we'll go to the
old north church,
Paul revere's house,
and then we'll top it off
with the traditional
Boston blood test.
All those places are
right here in Boston, huh?
Yes, Norman.
This town is a
veritable treasure-trove
of historical monuments.
That's really something.
And thousands of
people flock to Boston
just to see all those sights
and soak up a lot
of American heritage,
and I sit in a bar, night
after night, guzzling beer.
Sad, isn't it?
Yeah... But, hey, no
one's forcing them.
My, it's getting late.
Yeah, Sammy must
be having a hard time
talking Jackie into it, huh?
Yes, and if he doesn't
get back in a year,
his Cologne will wear off.
I don't know why he's
going to so much trouble.
I was discussing this case this
morning with one of my law professors.
Yeah? Was that before or after he
scratched himself and ate a banana?
Are you calling him an ape?
You know something, clavin?
One of these days,
boy, I'm just going to...
I don't know what!
That man would be
magnificent in front of a jury.
Oh, Sam, thank you so much.
That was the most
fun day of my whole life.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Why don't you sit here and I'll make
you a little cup of tea or something.
Oh, Boston is
such a lovely city.
Guess what.
When we were
on the constitution,
somebody recognized Sam.
I didn't know he
was a celebrity.
Cut the chitchat.
Is mammy yokum going
to marry you or not?
Well, uh, she hasn't decided.
What do you say, Jackie, huh?
I don't know.
Try to understand, Sam.
I always thought my wedding day
would be something
really beautiful and special.
It will be. We'll
get a minister.
We'll have it right
here in the bar.
In a bar? You think that's
beautiful and special?
Maybe you're
asking the wrong guy.
It's quarter to 12:00. I
don't have much time here.
I hate to pressure you,
but you're gonna have to
decide to go
through with this now,
or I am gonna have to
think of something else.
And he's already
thought once today. Right.
This is all happening so fast.
Fast? It's been eight hours.
By the time I knew my
ex-husband that long,
he'd already cheated on me.
Well...
I was always raised to believe
you should help
people when you can.
I'm getting married!
Whoo!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Do you mind if
I call home first?
I'd like to tell my pa about it.
Sure. Use my office.
Don't forget to tell
Billie-Joe-Bob-Jim.
Don't take too long. We
don't have much time.
Oh, boy.
Sam, I have dire news.
Good or bad?
That was justice
Fiedler's secretary.
The justice is
running a little late.
Late: What the hell
has he got to do?
Well, his wife's having a baby.
Well, so? His work was
finished a long time ago.
Sam! I'm sorry. What
am I supposed to do now?
I mean, we don't
have that much time
to call somebody else.
It's not like we get justices
of the peace and ministers
walking in this bar every day.
Don't be too sure, my son.
You, Norman?
Back in the sixties,
I sent a dollar
to one of those churches that
advertise in the back of "rolling stone."
And I'm an official minister
of the church of
the living desert.
What? Did you want
to get out of the draft?
No, no. We were just goofin'
around. Some friends and I
were over at the
accounting club getting high,
smelling adding machine
ribbons, you know?
It seemed funny. I don't know.
Of course, in that
mindless state,
even this business
used to seem funny.
Ha ha ha!
It reminded me
of something else.
Oh, hello.
Oh, justice Fiedler.
Thank you for coming.
Sorry I'm so late. I
just became a father.
Yeah, yeah, we're all thrilled.
Now get your flabby
buns over here.
Come on, we only
got a few minutes.
Carla, stay out
of this, will you?
Here's your pulpit.
Actually we are
in kind of a hurry.
Could you do this quickly?
Yes. I see there's
a certain urgency.
By the way, it's
a boy... 9 pounds.
Yeah, just what
the world needed.
Hello, everybody.
You're just in time, Eddie.
Just in time for my wedding.
I'm about to marry
Jacqueline bisset.
Aw, don't make me laugh.
Come here.
See her, the girl on the phone?
Wow. Jacqueline bisset.
What happened to her?
She's not the movie star.
Nobody said anything about that.
The bet was Jacqueline bisset.
And that's the lady's name.
She's got lots of
I.D. To prove it, too.
What is this, a trick?
No, it's no trick.
He's winning the bet.
So why don't you just call Sam the
winner and forget the whole thing.
Are you actually gonna
marry that woman?
You bet I am.
This is the justice of
the peace, Mr. Fiedler.
Yes. And father
of the miracle baby.
Give it a rest, will you?
Look, Sam, I don't know if it's necessary
for you to go to all this trouble.
Why, you mean you're
gonna call the bet off?
No, I think he has an
arrangement in mind.
That's right. Maybe you and I can
work out some kind of a settlement.
That's what you've been
looking for all along, haven't you?
Quiet, blondie.
Yeah.
This is between
us men of the world.
Now, I'll consider
dropping the whole matter
for maybe... 5 grand.
Absolutely not. You're
getting nothing from me.
Ok, all right, Sam.
I'll consider us square
if you give me and a date
free drinks for
the rest of my life.
Nope.
Do it, Sam.
I'd like to see what
would go out with him.
Besides me, I mean.
He kind of grows
on you, you know.
Free drinks for
the rest of the year?
Sorry. Absolutely not.
All right, all right,
look, one on the house.
Not a chance.
Gee, come on, Sam.
How about one of those
olives with a pimento?
You think about this
the next time you shoot
your mouth off in some bar.
Drinks on the house, huh?
See how I always
land on my feet?
Well, sometimes
on somebody else's.
Have you thought about what
you've done to that poor girl.
Which one?
Jackie.
Oh, Jackie! That's right.
She still thinks we're
getting married, doesn't she?
Well, she didn't want
to do it in the first place.
That's all right.
Sam.
Did you see the
look on her face?
She's a simple girl
from a rural environment
who finds herself in the
big city being entertained
by a slightly attractive
semicelebrity.
How could her
head not be turned?
Yeah, maybe you're right. Boy,
you think I laid on the charm too thick?
Yeah, but she's a farm girl.
She's used to stepping
around such things.
Sam, guess what. I
told my pa all about this.
And he's a baseball fan,
and he remembers you...
Sort of.
That was the kind
of player I was.
Isn't that great, huh?
Yeah, um, yeah...
Boy, this is going to be sticky.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Well, uh... You
know, when you...
Why don't you do this?
You're a little
smarter than I am.
I'm a lot smarter than you are.
This paper napkin
is a little smarter.
Jackie, there won't
be a wedding today.
What about the bet?
Well, the bet was called
off. Sam gets to keep his bar.
Oh... oh, well, that's good.
Yes. Jackie, let's be honest...
Weren't you falling
for Sam just a little bit?
Sam? Oh, no.
Come on, now. He's
a very attractive man.
Yes, almost as attractive
as he thinks he is.
He only time he stopped
complimenting himself all day
was to ask me if I wanted to.
I like you.
I like you, too, Diane.
Say, you work here. You must
see the girls Sam goes out with.
What sort of girl would
fall for Sam, anyway?
Pathetic wretches.
It would have to be someone
lacking in self-respect,
as shallow as he is
and empty-headed.
Amen.
So, uh, Jackie,
is Diane making you feel
a little bit better
about what happened?
Yes, she is.
Ah, good. You know, she'd
be the one to understand.
For a whole year, this
little filly and I... oof!
More tea?
Oh, thank you.
a live studio audience.
Mm-mmm. Chekhov.
Nope, norm. Ibsen. It was ibsen.
I'm telling you, it was Chekhov.
I can remember what it
was. It was the cherry orchard.
You're full of it. It was ibsen.
It was the master builder.
It was Chekhov. I'm telling you.
Ibsen. Ibsen. Ibsen.
Chekhov. Chekhov.
Ibsen. Ibsen.
Excuse me, I don't mean
to stop you by any means,
but you are talking about Anton
Chekhov and Henrik ibsen?
Of course we're talking
about Anton Chekhov
and Henrik ibsen.
Cliffie, listen to me.
Wonderful.
Perhaps I might be
of some assistance.
I would love in some
small way to contribute
to your literary inquiry.
Well, I supposed
she can help, huh?
Please, please.
Well, yeah, if
anybody can, you can.
I'd like to think so.
Ok. What were you watching on TV
that night that norm stuffed
his face full of cheese doodles
and whistled the way we were?
Ibsen, and it was taco chips.
Pay up. Let's go.
All right, all right.
Now that I think of it,
I guess it was Chekhov
and cheese doodles
the night Artie
Sullivan tried to prove
he could comb his
hair with his feet.
Yeah, you're on thin ice
arguing the classics
with me there, buckaroo.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Hey, Sammy, long time!
Hey, it has been a long
time. How you been, huh?
About the same. And you?
Well, you know
me, I never change.
What will you have?
I'll have my usual.
Woo! You still
drinking that stuff?
Yeah.
Who is that guy?
I don't know. He's your friend.
I've never seen him. Any
of you guys know him?
Trust me, Sam, the man's
never been in this place before.
I'm good at placing faces.
Yeah? Then place yours
where we can't see it.
Wish coach were here.
He'd know who he was.
Where is the coach?
He went to get his
driver's license renewed.
He'll be back next week.
What's taking him so long?
He went up to Vermont.
He heard the test was
a lot easier up there.
Sam, why don't you just ask
this man what his name is?
It's better one minute of embarrassment
than making a fool of yourself.
Nah. Too easy.
I can handle this.
You know how good I am
at thinking on my feet.
Well, I have seen you
add and subtract on them.
Subtraction must kinda hurt.
Watch and learn.
Hey, instead of your usual,
I thought you might like
a Manhattan here, huh?
Well, a Manhattan is my usual.
Gotcha.
Aw.
Hey, uh, how's the
work doing, huh?
Uh, fine.
You still working
the same place?
What was the name of that?
It's got a real funny name.
My house.
My house, right.
Yeah, I still get
a kick out of that.
Yeah, I'm still working the same
crummy job stuffing envelopes,
but I'm glad you
find that funny.
I didn't mean funny in
the humorous sense.
I meant funny more in the...
Who the hell are you?
I'm Eddie Gordon.
Eddie Gordon.
I... I don't know
who Eddie Gordon is.
Well, you should. About a
year ago you bet me your bar
that you could marry Jacqueline
bisset by midnight tomorrow.
I bet... oh, come on.
Who the hell...
oh, Eddie Gordon.
How the hell you doing, Eddie?
It coming back to you, Sam?
Yeah, yeah. I'm a little hazy.
I had a few too many that night.
No, no. You had a
lot too many that night.
Well, I was goin' through
a pretty rough period.
So, how are you and
Jackie getting along?
You know, I felt
a little slighted
when I wasn't
invited to the wedding.
Ha ha! Boy, I must have
been drinking Tequila, huh?
Yeah, I always want
Jacqueline bisset
when I drink Tequila.
But I bet you don't
always write it down,
signing your name
in front of witnesses.
Did that, too, huh?
Yeah. Keep it. It's a copy.
Aw, hey, listen,
this was obviously
a joke, Eddie.
Come on, now, I'm no expert,
but I know a little
bit about the law.
And this sounds
like a crock, pal.
No way you'll ever own this bar.
Well, when I take over,
I'm thinking of serving
free chicken wings.
Sorry, Sam, the law's the law.
We used to have
those little meatballs.
You know, with a sterno flame.
I don't want you to
take this personally,
but as a drinking
partner, you stink.
Well, sorry you
feel that way, Sam.
Look, I'll see you
tomorrow at midnight...
When the bar becomes mine.
Have you thought about serving
those little crab puffs?
They're very popular.
Melville's has a recipe
with mustard sauce.
If you're serious about this,
you don't have
a leg to stand on.
Most snakes don't.
We'll find out in court.
Yeah, my attorney's
looked it over.
He says we got a shot.
Sam, don't get so upset.
You're still gonna
have your job.
I'm going to need a bartender.
You actually went out
drinking with that man?
That's not the worst of it.
I think I picked up the bill.
Oh... this has got to
be a joke, doesn't it?
Why don't you let an
attorney take a look at that.
Do you know one?
Have you finally passed
the Massachusetts bar
on the rarely used pity clause?
You know, when I
pass my bar exam, cliff,
you are going to eat your words.
If I've got any teeth left.
All right, what do
you think there,
Mr. Witless for the prosecution?
It appears that you and Eddie
Gordon signed an agreement
which may or may not be binding.
Oh, hey, Tom, knock
off the legalese, will you?
Talk in a language we
can understand here.
You want to trust me here, Sam?
This thing will never hold up.
You were drunk
at the time, right?
And besides,
it's not a contract.
It's a wager.
You're gonna win this case easy.
Tom's right. Let this
Eddie press his case.
We'll engage an excellent lawyer
and make a monkey
out of that man.
Oh, boy. Oh.
What? What's wrong?
If you don't trust Tom,
get a second opinion.
Yeah.
No. I can't let Eddie
take me to court.
Why not?
I'd have to stand up
and testify I was drunk
and made an idiot of myself.
Are you worried
about the publicity?
Yeah. I mean, the press
wasn't exactly kind to me
when I drank myself
out of baseball.
I'd almost rather lose the bar
than go through
that humiliation again.
Oh, Sam.
Quit acting human.
It confuses me.
I don't suppose you
could just go ahead
and marry her, could you?
Oh, yeah. Find, meet, woo
Jacqueline bisset in 2 days?
Heh. Ah, it'd take
at least a week.
You kiddin' me? 5
workin' days tops, Sam.
Hey, wait, I got an idea.
You mean you've actually
conceived something besides a child?
Whoo. Ooh.
A bitter and unprovoked attack.
I like it.
What have you got?
This thing here, it
doesn't say anything
about having to marry the
Jacqueline bisset, the movie actress.
There's got to be more
than one Jacqueline bisset
in the world.
Marry one of those, win
the bet, get a quick divorce.
Eddie won't be
able to say a thing.
You mean all I have to do
is find another
Jacqueline bisset
and marry her by tomorrow
night? It can't be that simple.
Uh, Sam...
Hush, hush, hush. I'm thinking.
Someone note the
date and the time.
Guys, you got to help me.
We got to call information
all over the country.
Sammy, I think I can
already help you out there.
At home I happen to
have the phone books
of every metropolitan
area in the country.
Why?
Well, I'm one of those people
who collect phone
book cover art.
One of those.
This is gonna be fun.
We'll call all over the country
and find anybody with
the last name bisset,
ask if they have a
relative named Jacqueline,
and then talk them into
coming up to Boston.
Are you with me?
Yeah! Yeah!
So much for the sun belt.
Norm, you philistine.
You just put a fold in
sunrise over Albuquerque.
Hey, boys, boys, boys.
I would have thought there would
be a few Jacqueline bissets around.
It can't be that
uncommon a name.
Sam, I got a Jacqueline
bisset on the phone.
Oh, pay dirt.
She sounds real sweet.
There's just one catch...
She's 93. She lives in
a rest home in Maine.
So is she married?
I didn't ask.
Well, ask.
Are you married?
She's got a 94-year-old husband.
Been married 73 years.
Happy years?
Oh!
Sammy, just talked to a man
in green bank, West Virginia.
He's got a granddaughter
named Jacqueline bisset,
26 years old and unmarried.
Well, that's great.
Let me talk to her.
No. I already did. Jackie will
be here tomorrow morning.
Hey, how did you do it?
A little ingenuity. You know,
I told her she won
a trip to Boston
on a radio game show.
Yeah, so once she gets here,
all you have to do is
convince her to marry you.
I could kiss you, man.
Well, yeah, you
can, but I warn you,
you're not gonna get
anywhere. Ha ha... eh...
I offered her a few
prizes, too, Sammy,
to induce her to come up.
That's good. Like what?
Free round-trip
airfare, first-class,
suite at the ritz,
free historical tour,
matched set of luggage.
Why didn't you just offer a car?
Well, I did, but she
took the cash instead.
Only kidding, Sammy.
The point is she'll be here.
You're right. My
problems are over.
Aren't you forgetting
one important step?
What?
You still have to
get her to marry you.
Well, that's no problem.
As soon as I get
her face to face,
she'll fall under the
old Sammy spell.
You killer.
Sam Malone,
your vanity knows no bounds.
All the same, I guess I
ought to wear something nice,
my best outfit.
Say, Diane, when you dream
of me, what am I wearing?
An anthill.
Congratulations, coach.
I mean, all the
weeks of cramming,
burning the midnight oil,
and drilling with your friends,
I mean, it's all paid off.
We're proud of you.
Yeah, all right. Take care.
Coach pass his driver's test?
No, he found Vermont.
So when's your
ex-wife-to-be to be here?
She's supposed to be here now.
Cliff was supposed to pick her
up at the airport two hours ago.
Are you all ready for her?
I don't know.
What do you think?
Yes, any girl would jump
at the chance to marry you.
Sam, there is one
problem, however.
I believe I detect
a hint of fresh air
cutting through your Cologne.
Ooh, you're kidding?
Must have missed
a couple of important
pulse points, huh?
All right. Thank you.
This is cheers, miss bisset.
That's Sam Malone.
Well, he is good-lookin'.
The bad news is he talks.
Uh, Sammy, Jackie bisset.
Miss bisset, Sam Malone.
Oh, boy, thank you for
coming. Thank you for coming.
Cliff, why don't you set
those bags down right here.
Why don't you
come sit by the bar?
Listen, did cliff explain
why we need you?
Yes, he did,
and I'm not marrying anybody,
except in the usual way
where the groom
isn't a total stranger.
Well, I understand
that, I understand that.
But this isn't really
like a real marriage.
I mean, just for a few
hours until I win a bet,
then we'll get it
annulled tomorrow.
No fuss, no muss. Hey,
listen, I tell you what,
why don't you just consider
it a warm-up for the real thing.
Uh, no. I'm sorry.
I'm just not interested.
Listen, I almost
didn't make this trip
when I thought it was
a legitimate contest.
But, I said to myself,
"now, Jackie bisset,
nothin' like this is ever
gonna happen to you again."
And so, I kissed my dog smiley
and waved good-bye
to my pa, and here I am.
Knock it off.
You don't talk like that.
Listen, I know this whole thing's
been handled in a very stupid way,
almost ridiculous,
but I really am in a jam here.
I tell you what. We
promised you a guided tour.
Why don't I take you for a ride
around the city, show you the sites,
and I'll explain my
whole story here.
I know just the place
to start, too... city hall,
very historic, and we
could get a marriage license.
I really don't think so. No.
What's holding you up here?
You have a chance to help one
of the greatest guys in the world.
I barely know him.
Well, let me fill you in.
Anybody here
would do anything
for this guy, right?
Exactly. Sure.
Look, look, look, look.
Just hear him out.
Please. All right?
Well, I never have
been to Boston.
I always wanted to see it.
Well, I tell you what,
you tell me your story,
and I'll about think it.
You got a deal.
You're gonna love this.
The Sam Malone pre-nuptial tour.
We'll start off with
the u.S.S. Constitution,
then we'll go to the
old north church,
Paul revere's house,
and then we'll top it off
with the traditional
Boston blood test.
All those places are
right here in Boston, huh?
Yes, Norman.
This town is a
veritable treasure-trove
of historical monuments.
That's really something.
And thousands of
people flock to Boston
just to see all those sights
and soak up a lot
of American heritage,
and I sit in a bar, night
after night, guzzling beer.
Sad, isn't it?
Yeah... But, hey, no
one's forcing them.
My, it's getting late.
Yeah, Sammy must
be having a hard time
talking Jackie into it, huh?
Yes, and if he doesn't
get back in a year,
his Cologne will wear off.
I don't know why he's
going to so much trouble.
I was discussing this case this
morning with one of my law professors.
Yeah? Was that before or after he
scratched himself and ate a banana?
Are you calling him an ape?
You know something, clavin?
One of these days,
boy, I'm just going to...
I don't know what!
That man would be
magnificent in front of a jury.
Oh, Sam, thank you so much.
That was the most
fun day of my whole life.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Why don't you sit here and I'll make
you a little cup of tea or something.
Oh, Boston is
such a lovely city.
Guess what.
When we were
on the constitution,
somebody recognized Sam.
I didn't know he
was a celebrity.
Cut the chitchat.
Is mammy yokum going
to marry you or not?
Well, uh, she hasn't decided.
What do you say, Jackie, huh?
I don't know.
Try to understand, Sam.
I always thought my wedding day
would be something
really beautiful and special.
It will be. We'll
get a minister.
We'll have it right
here in the bar.
In a bar? You think that's
beautiful and special?
Maybe you're
asking the wrong guy.
It's quarter to 12:00. I
don't have much time here.
I hate to pressure you,
but you're gonna have to
decide to go
through with this now,
or I am gonna have to
think of something else.
And he's already
thought once today. Right.
This is all happening so fast.
Fast? It's been eight hours.
By the time I knew my
ex-husband that long,
he'd already cheated on me.
Well...
I was always raised to believe
you should help
people when you can.
I'm getting married!
Whoo!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Do you mind if
I call home first?
I'd like to tell my pa about it.
Sure. Use my office.
Don't forget to tell
Billie-Joe-Bob-Jim.
Don't take too long. We
don't have much time.
Oh, boy.
Sam, I have dire news.
Good or bad?
That was justice
Fiedler's secretary.
The justice is
running a little late.
Late: What the hell
has he got to do?
Well, his wife's having a baby.
Well, so? His work was
finished a long time ago.
Sam! I'm sorry. What
am I supposed to do now?
I mean, we don't
have that much time
to call somebody else.
It's not like we get justices
of the peace and ministers
walking in this bar every day.
Don't be too sure, my son.
You, Norman?
Back in the sixties,
I sent a dollar
to one of those churches that
advertise in the back of "rolling stone."
And I'm an official minister
of the church of
the living desert.
What? Did you want
to get out of the draft?
No, no. We were just goofin'
around. Some friends and I
were over at the
accounting club getting high,
smelling adding machine
ribbons, you know?
It seemed funny. I don't know.
Of course, in that
mindless state,
even this business
used to seem funny.
Ha ha ha!
It reminded me
of something else.
Oh, hello.
Oh, justice Fiedler.
Thank you for coming.
Sorry I'm so late. I
just became a father.
Yeah, yeah, we're all thrilled.
Now get your flabby
buns over here.
Come on, we only
got a few minutes.
Carla, stay out
of this, will you?
Here's your pulpit.
Actually we are
in kind of a hurry.
Could you do this quickly?
Yes. I see there's
a certain urgency.
By the way, it's
a boy... 9 pounds.
Yeah, just what
the world needed.
Hello, everybody.
You're just in time, Eddie.
Just in time for my wedding.
I'm about to marry
Jacqueline bisset.
Aw, don't make me laugh.
Come here.
See her, the girl on the phone?
Wow. Jacqueline bisset.
What happened to her?
She's not the movie star.
Nobody said anything about that.
The bet was Jacqueline bisset.
And that's the lady's name.
She's got lots of
I.D. To prove it, too.
What is this, a trick?
No, it's no trick.
He's winning the bet.
So why don't you just call Sam the
winner and forget the whole thing.
Are you actually gonna
marry that woman?
You bet I am.
This is the justice of
the peace, Mr. Fiedler.
Yes. And father
of the miracle baby.
Give it a rest, will you?
Look, Sam, I don't know if it's necessary
for you to go to all this trouble.
Why, you mean you're
gonna call the bet off?
No, I think he has an
arrangement in mind.
That's right. Maybe you and I can
work out some kind of a settlement.
That's what you've been
looking for all along, haven't you?
Quiet, blondie.
Yeah.
This is between
us men of the world.
Now, I'll consider
dropping the whole matter
for maybe... 5 grand.
Absolutely not. You're
getting nothing from me.
Ok, all right, Sam.
I'll consider us square
if you give me and a date
free drinks for
the rest of my life.
Nope.
Do it, Sam.
I'd like to see what
would go out with him.
Besides me, I mean.
He kind of grows
on you, you know.
Free drinks for
the rest of the year?
Sorry. Absolutely not.
All right, all right,
look, one on the house.
Not a chance.
Gee, come on, Sam.
How about one of those
olives with a pimento?
You think about this
the next time you shoot
your mouth off in some bar.
Drinks on the house, huh?
See how I always
land on my feet?
Well, sometimes
on somebody else's.
Have you thought about what
you've done to that poor girl.
Which one?
Jackie.
Oh, Jackie! That's right.
She still thinks we're
getting married, doesn't she?
Well, she didn't want
to do it in the first place.
That's all right.
Sam.
Did you see the
look on her face?
She's a simple girl
from a rural environment
who finds herself in the
big city being entertained
by a slightly attractive
semicelebrity.
How could her
head not be turned?
Yeah, maybe you're right. Boy,
you think I laid on the charm too thick?
Yeah, but she's a farm girl.
She's used to stepping
around such things.
Sam, guess what. I
told my pa all about this.
And he's a baseball fan,
and he remembers you...
Sort of.
That was the kind
of player I was.
Isn't that great, huh?
Yeah, um, yeah...
Boy, this is going to be sticky.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Well, uh... You
know, when you...
Why don't you do this?
You're a little
smarter than I am.
I'm a lot smarter than you are.
This paper napkin
is a little smarter.
Jackie, there won't
be a wedding today.
What about the bet?
Well, the bet was called
off. Sam gets to keep his bar.
Oh... oh, well, that's good.
Yes. Jackie, let's be honest...
Weren't you falling
for Sam just a little bit?
Sam? Oh, no.
Come on, now. He's
a very attractive man.
Yes, almost as attractive
as he thinks he is.
He only time he stopped
complimenting himself all day
was to ask me if I wanted to.
I like you.
I like you, too, Diane.
Say, you work here. You must
see the girls Sam goes out with.
What sort of girl would
fall for Sam, anyway?
Pathetic wretches.
It would have to be someone
lacking in self-respect,
as shallow as he is
and empty-headed.
Amen.
So, uh, Jackie,
is Diane making you feel
a little bit better
about what happened?
Yes, she is.
Ah, good. You know, she'd
be the one to understand.
For a whole year, this
little filly and I... oof!
More tea?
Oh, thank you.