Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Mail Goes to Jail - full transcript

Norm gets in trouble with the law after he helps Cliff out by finishing his mail route, and Cliff hangs him out to dry. Meanwhile, Diane gets stuck underneath the bar while trying to check the heating system.

Carla: Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

So, norm...

Any luck impregnating Vera?

I miss the good old days

when people asked things like,

"how are those Red Sox
doing?" Things like that.

Well, excuse me for caring.

I'm sorry, Larry.

I'm just a little edgy.

You have to understand.

I've gone an entire
month with sex.



Yeah, it's all right, normie.

Larry understands,
don't you think?

Look, you've been trying
for quite a few weeks now,

and you have yet
to strike pay dirt.

Can I ask you a
personal question?

Heaven forbid this
conversation get personal now.

You've been to a
fertility specialist?

Yeah, actually we have, but I
don't have a lot of faith in this guy.

He's got Vera sprinkling
powdered rhinoceros horn

on my cereal in the morning.

Does it make you feel
more virile, normie?

Not really, but
every now and then,

I get this urge
to charge a Jeep.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪



♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Norman.

What would you say
to a beer, normie?

Daddy wuvs you.

Yii! It's freezing in here.

Didn't you hear?

We're giving our
appliances the winter off.

There's some kind of
blockage in the heating system.

The furnace is working,

but we're not
getting any hot air.

What's Sammy gonna do about it?

I cannot believe
this helplessness.

How about a little
yankee ingenuity here?

If cheers were burning,

would you wait for Sam to get
back to do something about it?

No, Diane, because I already
taught them the fire drill.

We all file out in
an orderly fashion

after nailing your
hair to the bar.

Clifford, we don't usually
see you in here this early.

Uh... I'm sick, Diane.

I must be coming
down with something.

I thought I'd get some coffee

before I finished my route.

No, cliff, a Brandy. Let
me get you a nice Brandy.

No, coach, I hope
I'm never that ill.

As long as I'm
carrying this bag,

there's one thing that
will never touch these lips.

You mean there's
something that wants to?

Alcohol.

I'm on duty, Carla.

Just the coffee, please, coach.

I can do better
than that for you.

Will somebody go
upstairs to melville's, please,

and get this man
a bowl of hot soup?

What happened to the heat?

Some minor malfunction

that no one here
is skilled enough

to even attempt to fix.

Diane, I resent that.

I'm kind of a handy guy.

I'll have you know
just the other day,

I changed one of them, uh...

What do you call them?

A light bulb?

Light bulb. There you go.

Why don't you just call in sick?

No. I could never do that, Diane.
It's a matter of principle with me.

I've got to be on
the verge of death

before I take sick leave.

I thought you used it
all up to go to Florida.

You got a problem with that?

Here you go, cliffie.

Thank you, normie.

How many letters you got left?

I don't know. Seven or eight.

Boy, this tastes good.

Hey, you know something?
These are all on my way home.

Let me drop these off for
you. I got to go home anyway.

Uh, no, norm,
you're not trained.

You're not qualified.

What qualified?

You drop them in a slot.

A chimp could do it.

Are you kidding? No way.

They did a study at the
university of Michigan.

Chimps were 32% slower.

Oh, yeah, yeah, they were
better with customer relations

and everything, but...

Clifford,

the man is offering
to do you a favor,

out of friendship,
for your own good.

Sounds like you
have two options.

You let me deliver these

or run the risk of
nondelivery-livery-livery.

I'll drop these off.

Thank you, normie.

Just remember,
in those envelopes

are the dreams, hopes,
and fears of a nation.

Yeah, and several car
wash announcements.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, boy. Holy cow,
what happened here?

It's warmer up in the mountains,

and we were au natural.

Hey, coach, did you
check the furnace?

It's not the furnace.
It's that damn vent.

I called a repairman,
an old buddy of mine.

He's on his way over.

Oh, gosh, well, Bambi, it
looks like it's up to you and me

to generate a little
heat for these folks.

Don't bother.

We'll just huddle around
a three-watt light bulb.

Feisty little barmaid.

I took her in off the streets.

She's crude, but devoted.

You know, I had a
terrific time. Thank you.

Thank you, Sam.

It was the best
ski trip I ever had.

Yeah. Me, too.

Did you find any
time for skiing?

No, darn it! You know,
somebody stole our skis.

We had to spend the
weekend in the lodge.

That's too bad.

Yeah, but when we
were leaving this morning,

they turned up in the rack
on the roof of Sam's car.

Yeah. Some kids must've
stolen them for joy-skiing.

Disrespectful punks.

Yeah.

Well, I got to get going. I have
to be at b.U. In half an hour.

Ok. B.U.? That's
Boston university, isn't it?

Uh-huh. That's right.

Yeah, where all the
smart types hang out.

What are you studying there?

I'm not studying anything.

I'm going to be part
of a fraternity stunt.

Yeah, she's, uh...

She's tutoring some of the boys.

Well, in a way.

Yeah.

I'll see you later, Sam.

Yeah, you take care.

Oh, boy.

Well, I guess I better
take a look at this air duct.

Sometimes the
problem's right here.

Bambi?

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Oh, I suppose it's better
than dumbo or goofy.

Not as appropriate, but...

Coach, can I have
my flashlight, please?

You know, Sam...

I can't help but noticing

that Bambi wasn't
the same little deer

that you left here
with on Friday.

No, I got rid of Cindy.

We weren't compatible.

Really? What was
the problem there?

She was dumb as a post.

Oh.

With so much in common,

I can't imagine why
you two went awry.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, she just wasn't
my intellectual equal.

You should have told me

you were looking for
your intellectual equal.

I could introduce you

to something that's growing
on my shower curtain.

Well, thank you, Diane.

But I think I'll wait and
see how Bambi works out.

Well, I guess I've done just about
everything I know what to do here.

You shined a flashlight on it.

Yeah, it usually works, too.

Boy, this one's really
got me stumped.

Could somebody go to melville's

and get me a little more soup?

What about you, Larry?

You're not doing anything
important there, are you?

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Good man.

Thanks a lot.

I suppose you want
some crackers?

Those low-sodium
kind, all right?

What's he doing in my office?

Sam, the guy is sick as a dog.

Actually, coach,
I'm not so bad now.

I could probably sit
up at the bar there

and let Larry bring
dinner down to me.

Cliff clavin?

Yeah, officer.
What's the trouble?

Do you know a norm Peterson?

Yeah. What is it?

We have him down at the station.

We've arrested
him for mail theft.

No, no, no. You
made a mistake there.

No. There's no mistake.

We caught him red-handed messing
with the mailboxes on your route.

He had a handful of letters.

He said he was
delivering them for you.

Yeah. I asked him
to. You asked him to?

Well, you're out
of a job, fella.

Well, excuse me, officer.

You interrupted
me before I finished.

See, I asked him
to quit following me.

I mean, the guy, I had him
pegged as a sociopath right away.

He's a frustrated mailman.

We call it postal envy.

So, uh...

So, anything serious
gonna happen to this man?

Not serious enough.

Yeah, dammit. I rue the
day they outlawed flogging.

Bleeding their eye.

Oh, yeah.

So, how well do
you know this guy?

Oh, you know, we talk
every now and then.

He's a portly guy, isn't he?

Full-sized. Yeah. Yeah.

What actually is going to
happen to this Patterson fella?

Peterson.

Excuse me, officer.

I the owner of the
bar here. Sam Malone.

Is there a problem?

No. Some guy tried to
implicate this letter carrier

in a mail theft on his route.

Crazy, huh?

You're kidding me. Mail theft?

That's ridiculous. I've
known cliff for years.

He wouldn't be involved
in something like that.

You're a fine bartender, Sammy.

You, sir, sure are
one of Boston's finest.

Well, thanks.

We just had to
check out the story.

And check it out you did. The
federal government appreciates

the cooperation
of you local boys.

I just hope our penal system
can rehabilitate the wretch.

Thank you, officer.

Can you believe that?
Guys, you hear that?

Sammy, what do you say we
go shoot some stick? Why not?

They arrested some guy
on cliff's route for mail theft.

You want eight-ball?
Straight pool?

Wait a minute. Norman was
finishing your route. Clifford?

Whoa, whoa. What was that? Norm?

You mean that
they arrested norm?

You didn't straighten
the cop out?

Not exactly. It's a
little bit complicated.

So, Sam, you want to
break? Want me to break?

Clifford, get back here.

Oh, look, isn't it
obvious what I did here?

Yeah, it's obvious
what you've done.

You've run your best
friend, norm, up the river.

We're in trouble here.

I mean, my job's
hanging by a thread.

Norm's in jail anyway.

Just leave him there
a little while longer

while I figure out what's the
best thing to do for all concerned.

Norm will be ok.

Hey, norm isn't at
some party, you know?

I mean, by now he's had
probably had all his valuables taken,

been strip-searched,
been deloused,

and thrown into
some dark, cold cell

with a sex-starved pervert.

So?

That's how he describes
a typical evening at home.

Clifford. Hey, come on.

The reason I called you here is
because I'm looking for an attorney

that specializes in
criminal federal offenses.

You'll be defending the best
friend I have in the entire world,

and money is no object.

How much?

For one guy?

Stick your writ in your briefs,

you ambulance chaser.

Let's let some young
hungry public defender

make a name for himself
on this one, all right?

Look, I wish you'd see
this through my eyes.

I'd like to see this
through your eyes.

Come on, Carla, norm's
a sweet, cuddly guy.

The jury will take one
look in his sad eyes,

and there's no way
they're gonna fry him.

Whereas my whole career
could hang in the balance.

I'd like to see you
hang in the balance.

I notice a certain reoccurring
theme in your comments, Carla.

Look, norm was
doing you a favor.

You don't even know

if you were gonna
get into trouble, cliffie.

Come on, will you
get off my back?

All right. Look, if this
is what I got to do,

I'll do the gutsy thing
and call the post office

and get norm out of there.

I'll just call them and tell
them it was the O'Hara kid.

Yeah. He wouldn't mind
spending some time in jail

if you get my drift.

[Groans]

Hey, where's your
sense of humor?

If norm was here,
he'd be laughing.

If norm was here, he'd
be tearing out your tonsils

and feeding them to you.

All right, look.

I'll call and see
what the penalty is,

but it's got to be anonymous.

Ok, everybody in
favor of cliff calling,

raise your hand.

It's anonymous.

Not even an extension.

That's just what
I wanted to hear.

Oh, how'd you make out, Sam?

Lousy.

They won't let norm go

unless the post
office drops charges,

which means cliff's going
to have to tell the truth.

I gotta talk to him.

He's on the phone now.

Confessing?

No, he's finding out what
would happen if he did.

Meantime, you've got
some other problem.

The furnace guy didn't show up?

No, and we decided

somebody should
climb into the duct

and try to open it.

Who?

The skinniest person
we could think of.

Ha! You're kidding me!

Diane actually agreed to
crawl around in the air duct?

She had to. She'd been shooting
her face off about it all day.

Where is she now?

Underneath you, Sam.

Well, I always knew that, but...

Oh, my goodness!

Ha ha ha! Looky here.

How about that?

I'm glad you find this amusing.

Well, what are you
doing down there, huh?

Aerobics, you idiot.

Why don't you get out of
there, silly, so I can fix it?

I can't crawl any farther,

and my clothes are
snagged, so I can't back up.

I'm stuck right here.

Ok, egg toss fans.

Step right up.

Hit the geek and win a beer.

Three eggs for a nickel.

Sam, aren't you
going to step in here?

You bet your booties I am.

I only got a dime,
so give me six.

Sam, please.

Carla, how could you
suggest such a thing?

Tell you what I'll do, I'll
go down in the basement,

see if I can get
you out, all right?

Thank you.

Oh, Sam. Yeah?

Will you put the
grate back, please?

Someone almost
stepped on my face

with the cutest
little satin pumps.

Ooh.

'S all right?

'S all right.

Well, my supervisor confirmed

exactly what I
suspected all along.

That he hired you
as a token weenie.

No. He told me that a courier

who lets somebody else
deliver his mail for him

could face a hearing where,
depending on his prior record,

he could be suspended
or even relieved from duty.

What about norm?

Look, you know as well as I do
normie's got no previous record.

They'll just give him

a suspended sentence
and a sharp reprimand.

Aw, damn it,
cliff, you're wrong.

You know you're wrong.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Coach is right, Clifford.

You don't deserve to
have a friend like Norman

if you let him down now.

Yeah.

So either you go in there and
straighten this out, or we will.

Yeah, we're never gonna let
show your face in here again.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. All right.

I'll call my supervisor
and explain the whole thing

first thing in the morning.

Now!

All right, now.

I'll go explain the
whole thing now.

I want you all to know this is
going to mean the end for me.

Yeah.

I'll... I'll be a civilian.

One of the crowd.

There's a lot of things
I'm going to miss, too...

The free mucilage, the twine.

The "open with care" labels

we used to stick in our
flies at Christmas parties.

The uniform and the respect.

Yeah, I'm leaving
here a mailman.

I'm coming back a nobody.

Diane.

I can't get to you.

The opening of the
air duct too small.

Ohh.

Coach? Call the
furnace man, please,

and tell him it's an emergency.

I already called him
again earlier this evening.

He said he might
not make it at all.

Sam, do something.

I will, sweetheart. I know
somebody else I can call.

Listen, I mean this...

You say the word, I
don't care the cost,

I will rip this floor up
to get you out of there.

Oh, do it, Sam, please.

That's not the word.

Swine!

No, no, you're getting colder.

Come on now,
sweetheart. Open up.

Mm-mmm.

Come on, darling,

you don't know how long
you're gonna be in there.

You got to stay warm.

Sam, I'm, ah... [Coughs]

There you go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, Diane,

the important thing here is
just to relax and stay calm.

Just remember, rats sense fear.

Carla, ah...

There you go, darling.

There you go.

How's that, huh?

Sam, I'm not hungry,
and I'm not cold.

I just want to get out of here.

I know, sweetheart.

The guy called, said
he'll be here in a minute.

Say...

Just on the off chance
the guy's not able

to get you out of there,

don't you think
you'd feel better

if you were to declared
your love for me now

while you still have the chance?

You're right, Sam.

[Whispers]

What did you say?

No!

Let go! Let go!

Yeow!

Said she loves me,
always has, always will.

You're off the
clock, sweetheart.

Only a dollar?

No, it's happy hour.
It's only 50 cents.

Ok.

Pucker up, baby.

Aah!

Sam!

Go sit down, pal.

Go sit down.

How could you do that?

It's all right. He had
all his shots in the army.

Th...

Big news, everybody.

Because of my spotless record,

I only received a 30-day
suspension. Whoo!

Well, what about norm?
Is norm getting out?

My supervisor
already called the cops.

So you see, virtue
triumphs again.

Set 'em up, Sammy,
drinks are on me.

Well, I guess I got
to give you credit.

I know that wasn't
an easy thing to do.

Thank you, Sammy.

Say, cliffie.

What do you suppose
is gonna happen

when the big guy
walks through that door?

Well, I think out
attitude should be

that he's paid his
debt to society.

I mean, let him
start a new life, I say.

That's not exactly
what Carla had in mind.

He's gonna be plenty
sore at you, cliffo.

I suppose he is, coach,
and perhaps justly so.

Perhaps?

Underneath that anger is
gonna be love and understanding.

You see, we go back
a long way, he and I.

When he comes in,

I'm just going to go up to him
and ask for his forgiveness.

Here comes norm now.

Ah, good. If I know him,

his understanding will
not long be withheld.

Hey, come on, you guys!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Whoa!

Come on, come on.

I'll kill him!

First, I want to
hurt him a whole lot!

Take him over there, will you?

Just take it easy there.

Get him out of here, Sam, out
of this bar, out of my life, forever!

Ok, all right,
normie, look, I'll go.

But I want you to
remember one thing...

I took a chance for you. I
confessed and got you out of jail!

I wouldn't have been
in jail if it wasn't for you!

I'm sorry about that, normie.

I'm really sorry, but
try and understand...

Your job's just a job.

But being a mailman
is my whole identity.

I risked my whole world,

my entire life to
buy your freedom

because I love you, norm.

Oh, come on, norm.

Isn't there something
cliff can do?

Norman, he's right.

What is your heart telling you?

Never mind. It's a long story.

Good-bye, norm.

All right, wait, cliffie, wait.

I guess we have been
friends a long time.

You are by nature a weasel.

All right...

There's something you
can do for me, I guess.

Buy me a beer.

With your pants
around your ankles.

You can't be serious, norm.

Ankles, cliffie.

Standing on that stool.

While barking like a seal.

[Barking]

Let's not stay.

There will be a cover charge.