Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 16 - Teacher's Pet - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Carla, might I have a word?

Look, I know how you like to
poke fun at me and whatnot,

but I'd really appreciate it

if you stayed away from one area

I'm particularly sensitive
about... and that is my ears.

I don't make jokes
about your ears.

Why would I make jokes about...

Oh, my god.

I never noticed those
satellite dishes before.

Gee, I must have been distracted



by the other atrocities
attached to your head.

Yeah, well, look, just hear
me out on this one, will you?

Last night I was going
through my insurance policy,

and I discovered I'm eligible

for an ear tuck.

You know, it's going
to be hard enough

for me to go through without
you razzing me all the time,

so all I want is that you
please, please after I do it

not make my life a living hell.

This really means a
lot to you, doesn't it?

It's the most important
thing in my life.

Yeah, well, go ahead,
get it done. We'll see.

One other thing, Carla...

Would you kind of lay off
about how I live with my mother?



Gee whiz, cliff,
give me something.

What am I gonna tease you about?

I'm not the most
tidy guy in the world.

Oh, ok. I'll limit
myself to that.

Thank you, Carla.

You're welcome. By the
way, your mother called.

She said you left your
earmuffs in the driveway,

and no one can get out.

That was a "tidy" tease.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪

Hey, everybody.

Hi, Sam.

What do you have there, Sam?

Looks like books.

Yeah, I guess you
could call them books.

It's something I've
been meaning to read.

Why don't you open
one up so we can all see

the little gingerbread
house pop out?

Well, you wasted your
money on that one, Sam.

You'll be disappointed
with the ending.

I'll be in my office.

He locked his door.

Oh, and we're trapped
out here with you.

Sam never locks his door.

He's done that 2 or 3
times this week, Diane.

Yeah. He did that
the other night,

and he never made a sound.

He stayed in there
till closing time.

Oh, my god. The thing I
feared worst has happened.

Your living bra died of boredom.

This is no time for levity.

I think Sam might
be drinking again.

Oh, I was afraid of this.

Day after day of
watching frasier and me

exulting in our joy

has finally driven
him over the edge.

Come on, Diane.

I doubt seriously
if he's drinking.

There's lots of other things
he can be doing in there.

Like what?

Maybe he's reading
just like he said.

Oh, it can't be that.

I was once with Sam
when he was reading.

I'd recognize the
sounds anywhere.

Well, there's one
sure way to ascertain

whether he's drinking.

I'll smell his breath.

Go away.

Sam, it's Diane.

Go far away.

Sam, please, there's
something important

I need to talk to you about.

All right. Come in.

The door is locked.

Oh.

Gee. I wonder how that happened.

Hello, Sam.

Hello. What are you doing?

Why are you sniffing like that?

What's that?

I told you... I had a book.

"The world and its people."

This is surprising, Sam.

You're reading a book whose
title doesn't contain the words

"naughty," "hot,"
or "throbbing"?

I told you, it's just
a book I'm reading.

It's not just a book.
It's a textbook...

Are you back in school?

Promise you won't tell
anybody, will you, please?

Well, Sam, this is
nothing to keep secret.

This is wonderful. Why
are you concealing it?

Well, it's a little
embarrassing...

A guy my age,
going back to school.

It's not embarrassing.
It's noble and fine.

And I think it's
very inspirational.

Let's tell everyone.

No, come on, you know how
the guys would make fun of me.

Sam, no one enjoys teasing you

more than I do,

and I refrained.

That's true. All right,
what the hay? Let's do it.

All right.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah. Thank you.

Unless...

Unless what?

Sam, you're not doing
this to impress me

and win me back, are you?

No. No, I'm doing
it for my diploma.

Well, I hope so.

Because if this is part
of some involved scheme

to get me back in bed with you,

you will be very disappointed.

Yeah, but you'll enjoy yourself.

Attention, everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

Someone in our
little cheers family

is doing something
to improve himself

and I want you all
to know about it.

I knew it! I knew it.

Carla, you told Diane
about my ear job, didn't you?

Clifford...

Carla didn't tell me anything.

Uh... well, you were saying?

After a rather
lengthy interruption,

Sam has decided
to go back to school

and pursue his degree.

Bravo, Sam.

You're getting your
ears done, man, huh?

Come on, Sammy, where's
your sense of humor?

It was a joke.

Will you forget about that?

This is exciting news.

Our Sammy is going to
attain his bachelor of what...

Arts, sciences?

High school.

His bachelor of... high school?

What?

Yeah, I never graduated
from high school.

You know, my senior
year I got a contract

to play class "a" ball.

Spring training didn't
start until February.

School didn't
get out until June.

High school?

Yeah. Yeah. I always
promised my parents

I'd go back and finish.

She was a lot happier about this

in the other room.

I spent a year of my life

being defiled by dobie gillis.

I'm terribly sorry.

I... I just assumed
you meant college.

I plan to go to college, too.

Well, good, let me
know when you get there

so I can go out of the
house without a veil.

Hey, Sam, why would a guy like
you want to go back to high school?

I mean, you got everything
a man could want.

You dumped the one
thing no man wants.

I guess I'm just tired of being
embarrassed about being a dropout.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

A lot of famous people
never graduated.

Yeah. Right. Name three.

According to the book of lists,

let's see, Thomas Edison,
Noel coward, Cher...

Never graduated.

Cher?

Absolutely.

Never finished, coach.

I feel a lot better now.

Why, you never
finished either, huh?

No. I was missing a couple
of those whatchamacallits?

Units?

No. Years, Diane.

Do you think it be a good idea

if I was going back to school?

I think it's a
wonderful idea, coach.

Since Sam is going anyway,
you two can go together.

Coach can make up
the classes he missed.

What do you think, Sam?

I think that I'm gonna
have my hands full

just getting me
through this class.

It'll be fun. You'll have
someone to study with.

Coach, I'm just
taking geography.

I mean, that's the last
thing all I have to complete

so I can get my diploma.

Well, Sam, it would
only be a start for me.

As a matter of fact,
as I remember it,

I was very good in geography.

Really?

Yeah... Or was it geometry?

Diane, give me a
question in geometry.

What is the sum of the angles

in an isosceles triangle?

It was geography.

Whew! Hey, everybody.

Clifford.

Diane.

Yeah, well, take your last
look at a flawed Clifford.

Tomorrow I go under the knife.

Why don't you just
go under the bus?

I'm talking about
my operation, Carla.

I'm gonna have my
ears tucked back.

Cliff, why don't you save
yourself some money

and just put some
chewing gum behind 'em?

That, uh, that doesn't work.

I mean, that, uh,
probably wouldn't work.

[Humming pomp and circumstance]

♪ Da da da da ♪

Sam?

♪ Da da da da da da ♪♪

don't let me interrupt.

Those are the only words I know.

You guys seem to
be in a good mood.

Oh, you noticed, huh?

Well, we did great
on our test tonight.

Ahh, you both passed, huh?

Passed?

We both got as again.

Once again, we got the two
highest grades in the class.

Ohh.

Sam, listen, are we gonna
study together tonight?

Listen, this exam's
going to constitute

80% of our grades.

Coach, what have I been
telling you all semester long?

I know. I know.

Studying is for saps.
"Studying is for saps."

That's right. I'll
be in my office.

What was the test about, Sam?

I don't know. I forget.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You got an "a" on this test

and you don't even
know what it covered?

After a quiz, I like to
empty out my head.

How? By blowing your nose?

I got an "a", didn't I?

Oh, coach, I am so
impressed with you.

Oh, thank you, Diane.

Sam didn't seem to
retain much from the test.

Yeah, but he does just great.

I never realized
what a brain he is.

I study all the time.

He sleeps in the classroom.

He never takes a note.

And still he gets
the great grades.

No wonder he's
miss purdy's favorite.

Miss purdy?

Yeah. Our beautiful
schoolteacher.

And Sam is her favorite?

I can't say that,

but Sam's the only
one I ever saw her kiss.

They kiss?

Yeah. I saw them smooching
near the parking lot.

I was putting up a notice

there on the bulletin board.

With probing tongues?

No, Diane,

with a thumbtack and my thumb.

I can't believe he
sunk to these depths.

I curse the day I ever
walked into this bar.

Then it's unanimous!

Sam Malone!

This is absolutely...

The worst thing I've ever done.

The worst thing you've...

Wait a minute.

You don't even know
what I'm going to say.

I just found out that
you have been...

Sleeping with my teacher.

That's right.

And that's not
the worst part of it.

She also has been giving you...

Good marks because of it.

Yes.

Are you admitting
that you're doing this

and that you know it's wrong?

Yeah. That's right.

Oh, yeah?

Well... stop slouching!

Look what's happened
to your posture.

What?

I needed something.

Hey, I...

The whole thing
started so innocently.

I began dating her
because she was cute,

and because we hit it off.

I had no idea that I was gonna
get better marks because of it.

I just was after some
meaningless sex

and it's turned into
something sleazy.

Well, you know the old saying...

The best laid plans
of mice and scum.

Yeah, boy, ain't that the truth?

I didn't realize
anything was wrong

until I started getting
these quizzes back.

Instead of marking
off wrong answers,

she'd say, "close
enough. A-plus."

It's a sad commentary
on our educational system

when a harlot like this

is allowed in public schools.

If I remember correctly,

when we met, you were
dating your professor.

For your information,

I was a legitimate "a" student

in the classroom.

I never got good
grades in the sack.

Oh, don't worry. I always gave
you an "e" for effort, didn't I?

Sam, I'm going to tell
you what you have to do.

Now, I know you won't
like it, but you have to...

Call miss purdy and tell
her I want an honest grade.

Sit up straight!

I can't do that, Diane.

I'm not prepared
to take the exam.

Well, coach will help you.

Oh, Sam... You started out

with such noble intentions.

I hate to see you
end up like this.

Yeah. I know. You're right.

Right after I take the exam,

then I'll call her.

Come on. I got...

Maybe with coach's
help, I can get by.

Hello, uh... Miss purdy?

It's little Sammy Malone
from the third row.

Yeah, uh...

Listen, Alana, um...

About school, um...

I had this crazy thought.

I'm even embarrassed
to mention it.

But do you think that
maybe our relationship

is in any way affecting
the marks I've been getting?

You know, like making you
unconsciously change some...

What?

You are?

Well, that's nice, but what...

Me?

Uh... yeah, I'm naked, too.

Sounds like we're
ready for the class photo.

No, there's no one here.

It was an insect,
but I killed it.

Uh... listen,

I'm serious about this!

I would like my
grade to be based

on my knowledge of geography.

No, I mean it.

Did I say something funny?

Yeah, well, when you
see the results of my test,

you're gonna be laughing out of
the other side of your hemisphere.

If you'll excuse me now,
I've got some studying to do.

Uh... is there
anything in particular

I should cram?

All right, ok. But just
remember I gave you that one

Asa going-away present.

That lady's got a
mean mouth on her

for a 73-year-old.

I was joking! I was joking!

Hey, coach!

Where's coach?

He's in the back there,
Sam. What's wrong?

It's nothing. I just got
to study for this exam.

It's kind of important.

I'd be happy to
help you study, Sam.

I'd be more than
proud to assist.

You kidding me?
You guys can't help me

you know squat about geography.

Hey, coach, hey, good,
could you help me study?

We got to start
studying right now.

I thought you didn't
need anybody to study.

Well, he does now, coach.

While you were earning your
good grades with hard work,

Sam was earning his
by dating the teacher.

Is that true, Sam?

Uh... yeah, but I've wiped
the slate clean here, coach.

Whatever I get
now, I have to earn.

So please help me
cram for the test, will ya?

You mean all semester long

I've been wearing
my buns to the bone

while you've been
polishing the teacher's apple?

Come on, coach.

I want to get my diploma.

Whatever I get on this exam

is my grade for the class.

Find yourself another
sap to study with!

Hey. Come on, coach.

No way. I'm going.

Oh, my god. I need help.

Carla, uh... What do you
know about geography?

I know what creek you're up.

Hey, ahem... Guys,

uh... w-would you help
me study for this quiz?

I mean, maybe you
could just, you know...

Review the facts with
me, or something?

Sorry, Sam. I think
we're too dumb to help.

Don't you, norm?

Hyuk! I didn't even
understand the question, cliffie!

I'd like to go home!

I'll go home, okey-dokey?

Hyuk! Hyuk! Left,
right, left, right.

Left, right, right... Ha ha ha!

I can't even do this!

Hyuk! Hyuk! Let's go home, norm!

I guess that just leaves
you and me, huh?

Oh, dear, Sam. Uh...
This is a problem.

Frasier and I have tickets

for a piece of
experimental theater tonight.

I feel obligated to go,

because the last act

takes place in
frasier's living room.

I'd hate to have you miss that.

Sam, if you want me
to cancel out, I will.

No, it's too late.
You can't help me.

I'm going to fail this exam.

Gee, I wonder if miss
purdy's still naked.

No...

Ok, Sam. I'll help you.

You're always messing up,

and I'm always bailing you out.

You mess it up,
and I bail you out.

It's getting a little boring.

Thanks, coach.

Don't you think it's
getting a little boring?

Yes, coach.

Well, the only thing I can
say is Sam's very lucky

to have such a forgiving
friend as you, coach.

Thanks, Diane.

Good night, guys.

Now, Sam,

you can learn about
anything in this world

if you'll just follow
my little trick.

Got it?

Mm-hmm.

All right, Albania.
Here... Albania...

Or... should we say...

♪ Albania ♪

why did you say it like that?

We learn our facts

by associating
countries with music.

Why?

Do you want to study alone?

No! No! No.

All right. 1..2..3...

♪ Albania ♪

♪ Albania ♪

♪ you border on the adriatic ♪

♪ your land ♪

♪ is mostly mountainous ♪

♪ and your chief
export is chrome ♪

♪ you're a communist republic ♪

♪ you're a red regime ♪

sing it, Sam.

Ready?

♪ Albania ♪

♪ Albania ♪

♪ you border on
the adriatic... ♪♪

Cliffie, I thought you were
gonna get your ears done today.

Well, I decided this is
the way god made me,

and, you know, who am I
to question his judgment?

You were wrong about the
insurance company covering it, huh?

Mostly that.

♪ Taiwan ♪

♪ Taiwan, on the sea ♪

♪ the China sea ♪

hey, listen up, everybody.

I got an "a" on the test,

and the best
grades in the class.

How did you do, Sam?

Well, I got nosed out
by coach. I got a "d."

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sam Malone is now a
high school graduate.

Yes!

Congratulations.

For what?

You passed.

Yeah. A "d" as in "dumb."

"D" as in "diploma."

An honest "d" is
better than a tainted "a."

Boy, I tell you, I may
have my diploma,

but I sure feel
dumber than ever. Oh...

I studied myself
hoarse for that exam,

and still I got a "d."

Oh, Sam, you only
had one night to study.

Ah, it wouldn't have
made any difference.

My brain doesn't
work like yours does.

I can't learn things.

Sam, some people may be
better students than others,

but you have street
smarts, savvy...

Common sense. Common sense.

That's right.

Just because you may
not be able remember

that Pierre is the
capital of north Dakota

doesn't mean that
you should feel...

Wait a minute.

Say that again.

What?

Capital of north Dakota?

Pierre?

No, it isn't. It's Bismarck.

Oh. Pierre's south Dakota.

What difference does it make?

The point is,
you've earned your...

Pierre?

I can't believe this.

North Dakota... Pierre?

Hey. Hey, listen
to this for a second.

Go on. Tell 'em.

I was just making
an illustration.

Coach. Coach, what's
the capital of north Dakota?

Easy... Bismarck.

She thinks it's Pierre.

All right,

I may have inadvertently
switched the two...

Oregon. Give me
the capital of Oregon.

Portland.

No, it isn't. It's Eugene.

Oh, I... I knew
that. I knew that.

It just slipped my mind.

No, it isn't Eugene. It's Salem.

Do you believe this?

If ignorance is
bliss, this is Eden.