Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 15 - King of the Hill - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Come on, coach! Is
this what I think it is?

What do you think it is?

I think it's something
totally useless

that some salesman
talked you into buying.

Boy, you're good
at thinking, Sam.

Oh!

The billiard buddy
pool table adapter.

Yeah, but it's not useless, Sam.

You can make it
into a ping-pong table,

a knock-hockey
table, a salad bar.



How much?

Oh, I don't know; A buck?

A buck and a half with croutons.

No, coach.

I mean, how much
for the whole thing?

Oh. 600 bucks, Sam,

but the salesman said
satisfaction guaranteed.

Or...

Now, that would've
been a good question.

$600?

Yeah. Hard to believe, isn't it?

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪



♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norman.

What'll it be, normie?

Just the usual, coach.

I'll have a trough of
beer and a snorkel.

Cliffie, maybe you
could help me out.

My mother-in-law's in town.

Ah, sorry.

As if that wasn't bad enough,

she says she wants
to go sightseeing.

Well, tell her to go to Florida.

I told her to go a lot further
south than that, actually,

but she's interested
in American history.

Norman, take your
mother to see bunker hill.

Where?

Bunker hill?

The scene of what many consider

of the most important
battles in American history?

Wait, wait. You talking about

that place that I got to
go all the way around

to get to the
minuteman pizza parlor?

No way.

Hey, norm, your car's unlocked.

Someone might
steal your laundry.

What laundry?

That big, lumpy bundle
on the front seat of your car.

Oh. That's my mother-in-law.

She had kind of a rough flight,

and she nodded out the
second she hit the upholstery.

And you left her out there in
an unattended automobile?

I threw a blanket over her,

and I left her a note,
in case she comes to.

She's lucky to have you
as a son-in-law, Norman.

I'm really giving her
the red carpet treatment.

Hey, yo, pal. Would
you do me a favor

and toss these in the
blue civic out in front?

Hi. Is Sam Malone here?

No, he isn't. What
can I buy from you?

What am I saying?

What can I get you?

Oh, I'll have a beer.

My name is Lenny
Barnes. Hi, Lenny.

I'm the publicist for the
chamber of commerce

charity softball
game this Saturday.

I'm looking for Sam Malone.

I can tell you right now,
Sam wouldn't be interested

in that kind of thing.

I mean, nobody with any dignity

wants to get into those
sideshow carnival things

where everybody's made
to look stupid... nobody.

Hey, aren't you Ernie pantuso?

I'd be honored to do it.

Well, I don't think we
need anybody else.

Oh, well.

Huh...

I find it hard to get up
to Fenway these days.

The old memories come back, huh?

No. I keep getting
the wrong bus.

I must have an old schedule.

I guess those stories
about you are true.

That they are,
Lenny. That they are.

Mr. Barnes, coach is right.

Sam never plays in
old-timer type games.

Well, actually, Sam's
already agreed to play.

What?

I'm just here for
some publicity shots.

Lenny, why don't
you take your beer

and have a seat
and wait for Sam.

Ok. Thank you. Oh,
I have to make a call.

Use the telephone.

I'm so surprised at Sam, Diane.

I mean, he always said to me

he'd never get involved
in one of these things.

Maybe Sam misses being
out there on the baseball field,

standing on the bump.

I think you got a
point there, Diane.

I miss seeing him out
there on the bump, too.

Incidentally, it's
called the mound.

Ah. Mm-hmm.

Unless we're not talking
about the same thing.

No, no.

Thank you, Carla, for
helping me out there.

You sure you want to quit, Sam?

I'm willing to catch a few more.

I mean, you weren't
exactly toying

with the sound barrier
out there, you know.

No. I just wanted to loosen
up a little bit, that's all.

Carla, I don't think

you should be engaging
in strenuous activity

when you're with child.

If I didn't do
things with child,

I'd never leave the house.

The only thing I ever did
without child resulted in one.

Sam, are you really going
to play in this charity game?

Yeah. I was out there
warming up, coach.

My arm feels pretty good.

Are you kidding me?

When a butterfly lands
on a ball in mid-flight,

it's not cooking.

All I care about is not
embarrassing myself.

Good luck.

I have a right to
be a little rusty.

The only thing I've
thrown in the past 10 years

is Diane's butt out of here.

No, Sam.

You're thinking of
the tantrums you threw

when I walked out of there.

Ah.

You know, the only
thing I enjoy hearing

more than you two
argue on this subject

is hearing cliff
talk about Florida.

As a matter of fact, I was
just about to tell normie

that Florida is a
pollution-free state.

You know how they
treat solid waste?

You said they
treated you very well.

Hey. Hiya, Sam.

Hey, Lenny. How you doing?

I'm fine. Say, look,
I've made arrangements

to have a photographer
and some of your opponents

drop by for some
publicity stills.

Right now?

Yeah. It won't
take but a minute.

They should be here right away.

Tell me, Sam, what brought about

this sudden altruistic
bent in your personality?

Come on, I resent
that. "Sudden"?

I've always cared very deeply

for people less
fortunate than myself.

Here they are. Hey.

Oh, Sam. You great
big humanitarian.

Who says you can't
work for a worthy cause

and still be sexually aroused?

You could be having
an appendectomy

and still be sexually aroused.

Be that as it may,

I have to excuse myself now

and go say hello to
my fellow do-gooders.

Huh!

Boing!

Are those dames, or what?

Oh, this is disgusting.

In what kind of
culture do I live

where they are the ideal woman?

Gee, Diane, you got to
admit, they are beautiful.

Coach, take away
all their make-up,

all their expensive
haircuts, and those bodies,

and what have you got?

You.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

They're, uh... They're
playboy playmates.

Get out of here.

I recognize miss February
of a few years back.

She's a native of Montana,

hates the hustle and
bustle of the big city.

Her turn-ons include
strong but sensitive men,

classical music,
and rainy afternoons.

Wow.

It's just... Hard to believe

that Vera and those
are the same sex.

Excuse me. Does
anyone have a blue civic

with a bumper sticker that says

"accountants do
it with interest"?

Yes! That would be mine,

and, you know,
it's true, by the way.

They're towing it away.

Did you happen to notice

a little old lady
trying to get out?

No.

Oh. Well, great.
Another round, coach.

Norm, what about
your mother-in-law?

She's safe. The cops have her.

So... my place or yours?

I have a roommate.

Yours it is.

Bye. See you.

Here. Would you take your drink?

Thank you. Hey, are you
upset about something?

You know what bugs
me about women like you?

You take off all your clothes,

you pose for a magazine,

thousands of men see you naked.

I have to go to them
one by one. It's not fair.

Hey, you're gorgeous, Sam.

Come on. I'm going
to take those pictures.

Why don't you get up there

and put your arms
around the girls, ok?

Put my arms around
them, you say?

Right up there.

Okey-dokey. Ha ha ha!

Squeeze in there
real tight, Sam.

Yeah, that's good.

Ok. Tell me, Sam,
how do you feel

about the game on Saturday?

Well, it's a challenge
of a lifetime.

We're looking at natural assets

that are going to play
havoc with the strike zone.

No, no. I'm looking
forward to the game.

And I'm particularly looking
forward to the shower afterwards.

All right, all right. Seriously.

I think it's going
to be a great game,

and I just hope that
everybody comes out

to support a very worthy cause.

Terrific, Sam. Now step out

and let me get a shot of
the girls by themselves.

Why don't we put them
over here by the door?

I know what you're
thinking, and I don't care.

If you think I'm even
concerned, you are wrong.

Your sortie into sordidness

has no effect on my emotions.

You could make love to
all five of those women,

and I would feel nothing...

As, I'm sure, would they.

Why don't you come over here

and let me introduce
you to the girls?

I'd like to show them

the charity I was
involved with last year.

You are a sand flea!

That's the thanks I get?

Hey, coach.

What happened to our pool table?

It's still there, Larry,

but thanks to our
billiard buddy adaptor,

it's more fun than ever now.

It can be a knock-hockey table,

a ping-pong table, a
slot-car track, you name it.

I want a pool table.

Well, let me get out

my easy-to-follow
conversion instructions here.

A little tool kit...

And that.

Coach, how long
is this going to take?

20 minutes.

20 minutes to put the
pool table together?

No. 20 minutes to
figure what the hell this is.

Forget it. I'll play ping-pong.

God bless you.

Hey, coach!

The play of the game, cliffie,

was when Angela
had to reach back

to catch that foul ball.

Yeah, yeah. That was a
thing of beauty, normie,

but the best one

was when ginger bent
down to catch that grounder.

I had to applaud, norm.

Let's not forget when
Rosemary and ginger

kind of bumped into each other.

Either one of you manage to
sneak a peek at the scoreboard?

There was a scoreboard?

Yeah! The final score

was Sam's team 7, playmates 0.

I'm telling you, he was
blowing those girls away.

It was a massacre!

I lost track of the
final strikeouts,

but the important
thing is the twinkies lost.

Ta-da!

Yay!

Sammy, my man! Way to hum! Whoo!

Yeah. Hey, did you
hear? I got 18 strikeouts.

Sam, I counted 17.

No! The ump was blind.
That ball cut the corner.

Hey, coach, come
on. Drinks are on me.

We're celebrating here.

Hey, Sammy, what
happened to the playmates?

I thought they were supposed to
sashay down here after the game.

Yeah, they were. I
guess they're sore losers.

Whatever happened
to sportsmanship, huh?

Maybe they were a little
put off by your victory laps.

Aww.

Come on, man.

That was just a joke.

Hey, that was a pretty
good game, wasn't it?

I really had my stuff back.

Wasn't this game
supposed to be for fun?

Yeah, that's right.
I had a great time.

Hey! Guys, huh? I
really had my stuff, huh?

Magnificent, Sam. Any
chance the girls will be by?

Would you guys
forget the girls, here?

I mean, I just won a game,

didn't let anybody
past first base,

and you're all pretending
that this is an ordinary day.

[Clink clink]

Excuse me.

I'm not an expert
in the field of sports,

but it's my impression
that the fans paid

to see the little playmates
wiggling their hineys

around the bases.

Diane, you're the last
person I want to talk to today...

You're exactly not in
the top five any day...

But for your information,

people paid good money

to watch Sam Malone pitch.

I paid for hineys.

Come on!

People don't pay to
watch a baseball star stink.

They pay to watch them
relive their old glories.

You know, Sammy, I was
more thrilled than anybody

to see you out
there flinging it again,

but even I was a
little embarrassed

when you put one
in babette's ear

'cause she was
crowding the plate.

Hey, the plate belongs to me.

Babette can't stand the heat,

she shouldn't have
crossed the baseline.

Come on, here. We're
celebrating, guys.

Sam, you mean you
knocked a girl down?

No, coach, I didn't
knock a girl down.

I knocked a batter down.

She was halfway
across the plate.

Oh, halfway across the
plate, she deserves it.

Let's celebrate.

Oh, yes, by all
means, let's celebrate.

This is such a major
accomplishment, Sam.

I think you're ready to take on

the campfire girls all-stars.

Hey, hey. Way to
go, Diane. Ha ha!

You guys want to go out
there right now and face me?

Huh, mouths? Huh?

I mean, any one
of you, go get a bat.

First person that
gets a hit off me,

I'll give him the bar.

Any takers?

Yeah. Yeah, I thought
that would shut you up,

you gutless wonders.

Why don't you just go
over to the playboy club

and hang out with
the losing team?

Coach, I'm going to be
I'll be in the back room...

Alone.

Oh, good. Diane's here.

Sam, you are an attractive man.

You have many friends.
You have a lot going for you.

But you have one
miserable character flaw.

Gee. I wonder if
I could coax you

into telling me what that is.

Sam...

You and I dated for
what seemed an eternity,

and I think I know
you pretty well.

You get into a contest,

and you'd rather die than lose.

I'm surmising, but...

I think your fear of
losing drove you to drink

and ruined your career.

I'm going to tell you something.

Then I'd appreciate
it if you leave.

A little competitiveness
is a healthy thing.

Uh-huh. But you have

more than a little
competitiveness.

Sam, you're very sick.

I am not.

Yes, you are,
and I can prove it.

Why did you play this
game in the first place?

To impress a bevy
of buxom bunnies

who now will never
speak to you again.

You wanted to beat them

more than you
wanted to bed them.

Oh, my god. I am sick.

Oh...

Sam, you're not actually sick.

You just have a problem.

I know, I know, I know.

I've always had it.

You mean you approached games

in the same way
when you were a child?

Especially when I was a child.

My parents were
kind of tough on me.

I... I could never do
anything to please them.

I mean, if I got
a "c" in school,

they said why
didn't you get a "b"?

If I got a "b," why
didn't you get an "a"?

And if you got an "a"?

Sorry.

You know, in high school,

once I pitched a two-hitter.

All my dad could talk about
was the lousy two damn hits.

Sam, this is wonderful.

You're sharing with me
an attempt to confront

the very roots of
your self-involvement.

I had no idea you
could relate on this level.

Yeah.

Kind of feels good
to open up like this.

Yeah.

You know...

When I was about 6,

I made my dad breakfast
in bed on father's day.

I was really proud of myself.

All he could say was
the eggs were too dry,

and the... And the
toast was too light.

Sam, I'm feeling a
closeness to you now

that compels me to share
a core feeling of my own,

something which I have yet
to make privy to my analyst.

It happened my 17th summer.

I swear, if I'd made
the toast any darker,

he would've said I burned it.

I was brimming with
the innocence of youth.

Everybody else in the
world would've said,

"hey, that toast
is perfectly fine."

Oh, stop with the
damn toast tragedy!

What's your problem?

Well, I'm trying to share
something very painful,

and you keep cutting me off.

I was talking about my dad.

Well, I was going to tell you

about the time I stayed
home from the prom.

You interrupted my
dad story for that?

Well, what more was there?
He didn't like your toast.

Ok. Fine, fine. Tell me all
about your little dance story.

This doesn't have anything to do

with mice and glass
slippers, does it?

I assure you that the
details of my prom story

would make your dad story
look like self-pitying tripe.

All right, all right.
Ok. Right now,

I'm going to admit that I am
a very competitive person,

but you know something
that just occurred to me?

You know the reason why
our relationship never worked?

Because you always
had to have the last say,

you always had to be on
top, and you're still doing it.

You know, you are just
as competitive as I am.

Me?

Yeah.

I'm not competitive.

I'm intense...

And strong-willed,

but I think that mindless
games and contests

are very destructive and
diminish the human spirit.

Is that right?

Want to play ping-pong?

Of course I don't
want to play ping-pong.

It's preposterous.

It's not exactly my best sport.

A lot of people beat me at it,

but I bet you I could
beat the pants off of you.

What if you did?
What would it prove?

It'd prove I'm
having a great day,

my dad was wrong,
god's in his heaven,

and you are a loser.

Oh...

As always,

you are just trying to
avoid the central issue here.

Come on, chicken.

Bawk bawk bawk!

Don't do this, Sam.

Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!

I've played ping-pong.

Ooh...

My father built me
an elaborate rec room

when I was a child.

My daddy liked me.

Yeah. Yeah. I bet
you got lots of practice

staying home from
all those proms, huh?

Yes. It gave me the opportunity

to master the complexities
of making toast.

Oh. Nice serve, Diane. Ha ha ha!

All right.

Yeah, you'll be easy.

I'm real worried.

[Ping-pong continues]

Since that time, norm,
I've never feared death.

[Ping-pong continues]

[Diane] My point.

[Sam] Lucky shot.

Come on. Serve.

Sam, what are we doing?

It's called ping-pong. Serve.

This all started
out with us arguing

over who was the
most competitive.

What are we proving by knocking
a ball back and forth all night?

It's not going to be all night.

I'm about to win.
Now serve, will you?

Let's start by admitting
that we both have a problem,

and let's put down our
paddles simultaneously

and walk away from this thing.

Oh, you're quitting. Is that it?

As it so happens,
I am a point ahead.

I could win on this serve.

I am suggesting

a greater triumph for us both...

A victory over this destructive
problem we both have.

Let's beat our paddles
into plowshares, Sam.

Say again?

Try this for me, and see
if you don't feel better.

I'm putting down my paddle.

Join me in this victory, Sam.

How do you feel?

I feel ok.

Yeah.

As a matter of fact,
I feel pretty good.

Good. Yeah.

Buy me a cup of coffee?

Yeah, you bet. How about that?

Oh. Just one more thing.

I win.

You're not getting
out of this room alive.

Oh, don't be a sore loser.

You're the one that's
gonna be sore. Ouch!

That's why they
call those "paddles."