Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter - full transcript
Diane gets mad at the guys when she finds out that they took Frasier on a "snipe hunt." But she also doesn't want them to tell Frasier that they played a trick on him.
♪ Grab your coat
and get your hat ♪
♪ leave your worry
on the doorstep ♪
♪ just direct your feet ♪
♪ to the sunny
side of the street ♪
vodka Martini and
a seltzer, please.
You got it.
♪ Leave your worry
on the doorstep ♪
♪ just direct your feet ♪
♪ to the sunny
side of the street ♪
thank you.
♪ I used to walk in the shade ♪
♪ with those blues on parade ♪
♪ but I'm not afraid ♪
♪ if I never had a cent ♪
♪ I'd be rich as rockefeller ♪
♪ gold dust at my feet ♪
beer.
♪ I got spurs that
jingle, jangle, jingle ♪
♪ as I ride merrily ♪
♪ making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Holy quixote! What's that stink?
Smells like they're
burning the chef's special
up there at melville's.
Smells like they're
burning the chef.
Wait a minute. I know
what that smell is.
Ah. Ah. Ah.
Does anybody mind if I smoke?
Not if you put the
lit end in your mouth.
I learned how to smoke
them this way, Carla,
and I'll stick with it that way.
Ooh! Boy, is somebody
boiling tar in here?
No, Sam. I'm smoking my cigar.
Would someone please
boil some tar in here?
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Hey!
What's new, normie?
Terrorists, Sam.
They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer.
It's a world gone mad, norm.
What's that stench?
It's my cigar. Normie.
Let me know if it bothers you.
Bothers me.
Join the club.
New Cologne, Sam?
It's a step up.
Do you have any idea how
much that cigar stinks, coach?
Are you kidding? It's
right below my nose.
Sammy, all set to vazzizzz?
You bet, good buddy.
Did that gesture signify
a primitive mating ritual?
Actually, me and normie
are going up to the woods
to spend the day fishing.
Fishing. How lovely.
You know, it's truly essential
to one's peace of mind,
now and then, to
get back in tune
with the rhythms of nature
and totally shed the
mechanized world.
Yeah, you're right.
Did you remember to
bring the TV set this time?
Yeah. Got a portable VCR, Sam.
Ooh, good.
We got... Rented
porky's ii and splash.
All right!
I suppose you have an
electronic fish-tracking device, too.
Oh, don't be silly.
That wouldn't be
sportsmanlike, Diane.
We prefer depth charges. Kaboom!
Ha ha! So you guys
are going fishing, huh?
Yeah. Go pull some lip.
Rrrr.
I, uh... I love fishing.
Yeah.
I guess it's just one of those
spur-of-the-moment decisions?
No. We've planned
this for weeks.
Check this little
lake right here.
Oh. I guess you just forgot
to tell me, your best buddy.
I don't know. I don't remember.
Well, I do. You didn't.
Maybe you
remembered to mention it
in front of some
other best friend
who lives for doing
manly things in the wild.
Cliffie, you want to
go fishing with us?
No, that's ok, Sam. I
don't want to infringe
on you and norm's good time.
You're going to have to
if you want to come along.
Come on.
I better check my
social calendar.
That's the wall of
the men's room.
I wouldn't mind doing
a little fishing, either.
Me, neither, Sammy. You got
room for some more company?
What the hell?
Let's make it a party.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I thought it was just
us three buddies.
Aw, come on, cliff!
It's not that I mind.
It's just that I'm
a little surprised
you guys are so eager to go some
place you're obviously not wanted.
There's some gear in
the back there, guys.
Hello, Diane.
Hi, frasier.
Frasier...
Your lips are troubled.
No wonder. Look at the
hell he puts them through.
Well, this has been a bad
day, bad week, bad month.
This time of year is murder
on the psychiatric profession.
Well, just sit down and relax.
Scotch, Sam.
You got problems,
there, frasier?
It's all the neuroses I
face day in and day out.
It can't help but have a
negative effect on me.
Why don't you
just do what I did?
Throw her clothes in the
hallway and lock the door.
Sam, Diane is my salvation.
It's my patients that
have caused this distress.
Think of it... day after day,
miserable people
coming into your office
and pouring out their litany
of depression and anxiety.
The only way my situation
could be any worse
is if I actually
listened to them.
Even at a time like this,
his humor's survived.
I know exactly what
you're saying, doc.
After all the years
behind this bar,
I've learned how to make
a lot of people happy.
How's that, coach?
Well, whatever problem they got,
I point out the bigger problem.
In your case, you
know, you're going bald.
I am. Well, now I'm
depressed and losing my hair.
That's nothing.
It's child's play
compared to that big
mole you got on your neck.
Please, coach, no more.
I'm cheered up now.
Anytime, doc.
All right, Sammy.
Just one quick stop
to change clothes,
and we'll be all set.
Okey-dokey. Hope things
look up for you, frasier.
Going fishing, are you?
Yeah.
Well, how idyllic.
Peace of the woods,
away from the noise,
the crime, the
borderline psychotics.
Actually, cliffie's
coming along, too.
Just kidding. I
was just kidding.
Ok, coach, good night.
See you, guys. Be back later.
Sam, it looks like
you might have room
for one more in your car.
Isn't there someone
else you'd like to invite,
a certain very
depressed gentleman?
Bass are about this
big up there, frasier.
Want to go get one?
I've never been fishing,
but you know, it might be
just what I need right now.
If none of you mind,
you can count me in.
Goody.
Well, watch out,
fish, here I come.
You want to come along?
We're running a
little low on bait.
Aw, cut it out, you kidder.
Now, Sam, take care of my fella.
He's a tenderfoot.
How come you're not going
on that fishing trip, coach?
I don't like the smell of them.
Yeah. Fish stink.
No. The guys.
Out in that sun all
day, stuck in the muck...
Who needs it?
Hey, coach, want to
play Red Sox trivia?
Yeah, sure. Fire away.
Good. I got some real
tough ones for you this time.
Ready?
Number one.
What over .300
hitter was called...
Jimmy foxx.
Right. That was
just an easy warmup.
Now we're going to start, ok?
Shoot.
What Red Sox
shortstop succeeded...
Don buddin.
I'm thinking of an outfielder...
Conigliaro.
Boy, you are good!
Try me now.
Uh... who was the
only man to pinch-hit...
Lou Clinton.
Are you sure you want to go on?
Eh, I don't know.
It's just not as much
fun as it used to be.
Think we've been
playing together too long?
Was the answer to your next
question going to be frank malzone?
Yeah.
Yeah.
[Whooping and laughing]
Ah! Looks like you
had a good time.
Great time, Diane, great time!
I'm so glad.
Where's frasier?
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Did I say something amusing?
You're going to get a
giggle out of this, Diane.
Frasier's still up in the woods.
He's snipe hunting. Ha ha ha!
Ha ha! You sent him
on a snipe hunt. I love it!
What's a snipe hunt?
Snipe hunt is an age-old custom
wherein we take uninitiated
hunter, like your Dr. Crane,
put him in a clearing
with a gunnysack,
and the rest of us go into the
bush to beat out the snipe to him.
Rather an elemental sport, but
I still don't see the humor in it.
The humor, Diane, is that
while the guy is out there
with a gunnysack, we go off,
have a nice dinner
in a restaurant,
and come back
here for some beers.
You see, there's no such
thing, really, as a snipe,
so there's no real reason
for any of us to hang around,
but since the bagger
doesn't know that,
he stays, and we leave.
I swear to you, this
is really funny, Diane.
Really funny.
You should have seen your
buddy out there... frasier.
A real sport, Diane.
He was practicing
the bagger's position.
Ha ha ha!
And Sammy made up
this terrific snipe call...
Brrr-aa-aa-aa-ooh-ooh.
Actually, somebody
else made that up.
You could hear him
doing it from miles away.
Brraa-aa-aa-ooh-ooh.
In other words, you
abandoned frasier in the woods?
Well, that's another
way of putting it,
but it doesn't sound
as funny that way.
Of all the immature, low-minded,
aberrant behavior
ever exhibited here,
this is the lowest, Sam.
Whoa! What do you mean "Sam"?
You're the ringleader!
You could have stopped it!
These lemmings don't
have minds of their own.
She's right, you know, Sam.
Sad but true, Sammy.
She is not!
Of course not.
Whatever you say, boss.
Hey, would you guys give...
Oh, come on! You're
overreacting here, Diane.
It's a harmless
little prank, that's all.
All guys fall for it. It's fun!
Did you ever fall for it?
Well, no, not personally,
but I know a lot of
my close friends have,
and boy, did they
have a terrific time.
Man: You have to be
a certain kind of guy.
Yeah. A real dink.
Ha ha ha!
Thanks a lot, Carla.
Oh, come on! Look,
frasier's got a sense of humor.
I bet he's up in
the woods right now
laughing himself silly.
I am sure that he is not.
Uh...
Like many who enter
the psychiatric profession,
frasier is a sensitive
and trusting man.
You took advantage of his trust.
He turned to you for a
much-needed day of relaxation,
and instead, you
gave him this...
A cruel malicious,
destructive, moronic prank!
A good-natured, fun,
character-building,
moronic prank.
Ha ha ha!
If there's a shred of
decency left among you,
you'll go back and find him.
I'll go.
Thank you for that
brief flash of humanity.
I can't believe this.
So you're here.
I'm furious with all of
you for what you did to me!
Frasier, I can ex...
Why did you introduce me
to that intoxicating sport?
I'm positively hooked on it!
Brraa-da-da-da-aah!
I was hoping you'd come back
here when you couldn't find me,
and I want to apologize.
After a couple of
hours in the position,
I heard some snipe
rustling in the bush,
so I went off to pursue them,
and I got lost in the woods.
I scrambled about for a while
until I heard the sound
of cars on the highway,
so I flagged down an 18-Wheeler
and made my way back to safety,
but good friends, I'm
sorry; I let you down.
It's the last thing
I wanted to do.
Frasier, are you
sure you're all right?
All right? Diane, I'm
aglow! I'm transported!
Of course, I don't
expect you to understand.
It has to do with the
unspoken bond between men.
Ow!
Sorry. I'm a little emotional.
Coach, set up my buddies.
I want to drink to the
camaraderie of this night.
Oh, you don't have
to do that, frasier.
Hey, hey, he wants to buy
his friends a drink, come on.
As you know, it is the
bagger's prerogative.
Ah! What a marvelous tradition!
Let's drink to it!
Frasier, may I have a
word in private with you?
It's about what
happened tonight.
Not now, Diane. You're
interfering with male bonding.
To snipe hunting, the
most humane of sports...
No guns, no knives, just a
man and a plain, simple bag.
Like you and Diane.
Ha ha!
Frasier...
Oh, come on, Diane.
Guys make jokes about
their mates. Right, guys?
Right. Right.
You probably all think I'm
being a bit manic about this,
but the fact is, I haven't spent
that much time out of doors
in my life, and I
was exhilarated by it.
It was a revelation to
me how quiet it was.
I heard an owl
for the first time.
You know, I finally
understand why
guys get hung up on going to
the woods... camping, fishing.
Yeah, yeah. Just wait till the
first time you come back home
with a snipe strapped
to the hood of your car.
Yeah. That's the
thrill of a lifetime.
Yeah. My one regret
is we didn't get a snipe,
and it's all my fault.
I let you guys down.
No, no, you didn't
disappoint us, frasier.
As a matter of fact, if there's
one thing you didn't do,
it was disappoint us.
Uh... I think it's time
that we told you a little
something here, frasier.
The fellows and I...
Frasier, I hate to interrupt,
but I really think you
should go freshen up.
Oh, you're right,
Diane. I'm filthy!
Oh, oh, and, uh...
I want to thank
all of you for...
Well, caring enough
to include me tonight.
[Laughter]
Oh, I don't believe it.
That guy is a bigger
boob than cliff!
No argument here.
So what was the
problem there? I was...
I was just going
to tell him the truth.
Do you have to?
What's the good of
giving a guy the shaft
if you can't laugh
in his face about it?
You listen to me, Sam Malone.
Now, this may be hard
for you to understand...
Most things are...
But finding out
in front of all these people
that he was the
butt of your joke
would be devastating to frasier.
He's always been
the odd man out.
Even when he was a child
and the kids would
choose up sides for softball,
he was always
the last one picked.
"You take the girl,
and we'll take frasier."
Yeah, I remember. I always
used to feel sorry for those guys,
even when I was
doing it to them.
Yeah. Frasier was lucky.
Some children were laughed
off the playground entirely.
Oh, not me, of course.
I was always out there.
And you still are.
Well, you know,
maybe I'm just lucky,
but nothing like that ever
really happened to me.
Wait a minute, Sam.
What about when I told you
that you weren't even invited
to the Red Sox
alumni dinner this year?
I wasn't invited to
the alumni dinner?
No, no. What am I talking about?
They're not even
having a dinner.
But while I'm thinking about it,
can I have Saturday night off?
What for?
Uh, death in the family.
Sure.
Hey, Sam, come on.
We got to tell frasier.
You're holding up
the laugh fest, huh?
We don't have to tell frasier!
And we're not going to, ever.
Then why'd we do it?
Well, you're obviously
bored with lip diddling.
He's going to find
out eventually, Diane.
Yeah, and we should
be the ones that tell him,
because we did
all the hard work.
He might not find out.
Frasier isn't an outdoorsman.
He doesn't hang around
with people like that.
If he should find out
about it years later,
he'll be able to laugh
about it from a distance,
especially if some
or all of you are dead.
That isn't asking
too much, is it?
[All muttering]
Sam...
What?
There's one other
thing I want you to know.
Lord knows why, but...
Frasier thinks of
you as a friend.
As a matter of fact,
he thinks of you
as one of his closest friends.
Get out of here.
He does, Sam.
Gee, what a boo...
Boo...
Bootiful guy he is.
All right, all right,
we'll do it your way.
Fellas, nobody
tells frasier the truth
about the snipe hunt, ok?
Well, it's a stupid oversight!
If Sam Malone isn't
invited, I'm not coming.
[Quietly] I'm only kidding.
I'll be there, 8:00 sharp.
Wrong number.
Thank you, everyone.
Believe me, it's best to
just let this matter drop.
No need for frasier to
suffer any embarrassment.
Let the matter drop?
I heard that, Diane.
I deserted my post,
and now I need a
woman to plead my case.
Frasier, if you feel
that strong about it,
maybe we could
take another shot at it.
You'd do that for me?
Oh, yeah, yeah!
You bet we would.
Fine. Well, let's
get back out there!
Out where?
Out in the wilds,
where the snipe run free!
When I was in the men's
room, I looked in the mirror,
and do you know what I saw?
A quitter, a man who
lets his buddies down.
I want to prove myself.
Well, hear that, guys?
Looks like frasier wants to
go back out there again tonight.
Absolutely I want to go
back out there again tonight!
You know what tonight is?
It's the night of the full moon.
Sam told me that snipe run
best when it's a full moon.
I said that.
That's right! And you said they'd
be running all night long, right?
I said that, too.
Well, then, what
are we waiting for?
Nothing. Let's get out of here!
Frasier, I really
got to hand it to you.
You're the first bagger I
ever met with enough stamina
to go snipe hunting
twice in the same night.
You're going to go down in
the annals of snipe hunting.
Sam, please.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much
for making us
promise not to tell him.
This way, we got to give
him a double whammy.
Frasier, before you go,
I need a moment alone with you.
Can't this wait till tomorrow?
Yeah. We're feeling
the thrill of the hunt.
Yeah. So is frasier.
Frasier.
Women.
I guess she wants to
kiss me or something.
Well, you have to
indulge them, you know.
Dames.
Yeah. That is why I
don't have a girlfriend.
Reason number 27.
Frasier, sometimes people
do thoughtless things.
They don't mean any harm.
They just don't know any
better. They're insensitive.
Good lord, dian. You sound like
the psychologist I
had when I was 8.
What are you trying to say?
There's no such
thing as a snipe hunt.
They played a
childish prank on you.
I know that.
What?
Good lord, Diane! A man does not
crouch in the
woods for two hours
without having a
revelation or two.
So this is part of a plan,
and I unwittingly helped you?
Yes.
Frasier, how devious!
But why didn't you tell me?
Well, I couldn't trust you.
You'd have thought
it was too cruel.
Oh, are you kidding?
I would have helped.
Frasier, this is so unlike you.
But it's what guys do, darling.
We screw each other to the wall.
Boy, it's great to be one
of the gang, I'll tell you.
You see, when we
get up to that clearing,
I'm going to get them
to pose for a photo.
And after they disappear into
the woods to beat out snipe,
I'm going to rush to
the car, drive back here,
and make you one
of my famous omelets.
Frasier...
I find your cunning arousing.
Well, that's what
it's there for, baby.
I've got to share this
with the troops, Diane.
Uh, men, you are not
going to believe this,
but Diane there just
attempted to tell me
that there is no
such thing as a snipe.
No! You're kidding me.
They will say anything
to keep you at home.
Diane, I promise you will
not become a snipe widow.
All right now, men,
let's go get one.
To the woods!
Woods, guys!
Listen, I'm sorry.
I swear to you,
years to come, we're
going to all sit back
and have a good laugh over this.
Not all of us will be laughing.
You'll see. Trust me.
Hey, look, it's
starting to snow.
Don't worry, frasier,
the colder, the better.
and get your hat ♪
♪ leave your worry
on the doorstep ♪
♪ just direct your feet ♪
♪ to the sunny
side of the street ♪
vodka Martini and
a seltzer, please.
You got it.
♪ Leave your worry
on the doorstep ♪
♪ just direct your feet ♪
♪ to the sunny
side of the street ♪
thank you.
♪ I used to walk in the shade ♪
♪ with those blues on parade ♪
♪ but I'm not afraid ♪
♪ if I never had a cent ♪
♪ I'd be rich as rockefeller ♪
♪ gold dust at my feet ♪
beer.
♪ I got spurs that
jingle, jangle, jingle ♪
♪ as I ride merrily ♪
♪ making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Holy quixote! What's that stink?
Smells like they're
burning the chef's special
up there at melville's.
Smells like they're
burning the chef.
Wait a minute. I know
what that smell is.
Ah. Ah. Ah.
Does anybody mind if I smoke?
Not if you put the
lit end in your mouth.
I learned how to smoke
them this way, Carla,
and I'll stick with it that way.
Ooh! Boy, is somebody
boiling tar in here?
No, Sam. I'm smoking my cigar.
Would someone please
boil some tar in here?
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Hey!
What's new, normie?
Terrorists, Sam.
They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer.
It's a world gone mad, norm.
What's that stench?
It's my cigar. Normie.
Let me know if it bothers you.
Bothers me.
Join the club.
New Cologne, Sam?
It's a step up.
Do you have any idea how
much that cigar stinks, coach?
Are you kidding? It's
right below my nose.
Sammy, all set to vazzizzz?
You bet, good buddy.
Did that gesture signify
a primitive mating ritual?
Actually, me and normie
are going up to the woods
to spend the day fishing.
Fishing. How lovely.
You know, it's truly essential
to one's peace of mind,
now and then, to
get back in tune
with the rhythms of nature
and totally shed the
mechanized world.
Yeah, you're right.
Did you remember to
bring the TV set this time?
Yeah. Got a portable VCR, Sam.
Ooh, good.
We got... Rented
porky's ii and splash.
All right!
I suppose you have an
electronic fish-tracking device, too.
Oh, don't be silly.
That wouldn't be
sportsmanlike, Diane.
We prefer depth charges. Kaboom!
Ha ha! So you guys
are going fishing, huh?
Yeah. Go pull some lip.
Rrrr.
I, uh... I love fishing.
Yeah.
I guess it's just one of those
spur-of-the-moment decisions?
No. We've planned
this for weeks.
Check this little
lake right here.
Oh. I guess you just forgot
to tell me, your best buddy.
I don't know. I don't remember.
Well, I do. You didn't.
Maybe you
remembered to mention it
in front of some
other best friend
who lives for doing
manly things in the wild.
Cliffie, you want to
go fishing with us?
No, that's ok, Sam. I
don't want to infringe
on you and norm's good time.
You're going to have to
if you want to come along.
Come on.
I better check my
social calendar.
That's the wall of
the men's room.
I wouldn't mind doing
a little fishing, either.
Me, neither, Sammy. You got
room for some more company?
What the hell?
Let's make it a party.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I thought it was just
us three buddies.
Aw, come on, cliff!
It's not that I mind.
It's just that I'm
a little surprised
you guys are so eager to go some
place you're obviously not wanted.
There's some gear in
the back there, guys.
Hello, Diane.
Hi, frasier.
Frasier...
Your lips are troubled.
No wonder. Look at the
hell he puts them through.
Well, this has been a bad
day, bad week, bad month.
This time of year is murder
on the psychiatric profession.
Well, just sit down and relax.
Scotch, Sam.
You got problems,
there, frasier?
It's all the neuroses I
face day in and day out.
It can't help but have a
negative effect on me.
Why don't you
just do what I did?
Throw her clothes in the
hallway and lock the door.
Sam, Diane is my salvation.
It's my patients that
have caused this distress.
Think of it... day after day,
miserable people
coming into your office
and pouring out their litany
of depression and anxiety.
The only way my situation
could be any worse
is if I actually
listened to them.
Even at a time like this,
his humor's survived.
I know exactly what
you're saying, doc.
After all the years
behind this bar,
I've learned how to make
a lot of people happy.
How's that, coach?
Well, whatever problem they got,
I point out the bigger problem.
In your case, you
know, you're going bald.
I am. Well, now I'm
depressed and losing my hair.
That's nothing.
It's child's play
compared to that big
mole you got on your neck.
Please, coach, no more.
I'm cheered up now.
Anytime, doc.
All right, Sammy.
Just one quick stop
to change clothes,
and we'll be all set.
Okey-dokey. Hope things
look up for you, frasier.
Going fishing, are you?
Yeah.
Well, how idyllic.
Peace of the woods,
away from the noise,
the crime, the
borderline psychotics.
Actually, cliffie's
coming along, too.
Just kidding. I
was just kidding.
Ok, coach, good night.
See you, guys. Be back later.
Sam, it looks like
you might have room
for one more in your car.
Isn't there someone
else you'd like to invite,
a certain very
depressed gentleman?
Bass are about this
big up there, frasier.
Want to go get one?
I've never been fishing,
but you know, it might be
just what I need right now.
If none of you mind,
you can count me in.
Goody.
Well, watch out,
fish, here I come.
You want to come along?
We're running a
little low on bait.
Aw, cut it out, you kidder.
Now, Sam, take care of my fella.
He's a tenderfoot.
How come you're not going
on that fishing trip, coach?
I don't like the smell of them.
Yeah. Fish stink.
No. The guys.
Out in that sun all
day, stuck in the muck...
Who needs it?
Hey, coach, want to
play Red Sox trivia?
Yeah, sure. Fire away.
Good. I got some real
tough ones for you this time.
Ready?
Number one.
What over .300
hitter was called...
Jimmy foxx.
Right. That was
just an easy warmup.
Now we're going to start, ok?
Shoot.
What Red Sox
shortstop succeeded...
Don buddin.
I'm thinking of an outfielder...
Conigliaro.
Boy, you are good!
Try me now.
Uh... who was the
only man to pinch-hit...
Lou Clinton.
Are you sure you want to go on?
Eh, I don't know.
It's just not as much
fun as it used to be.
Think we've been
playing together too long?
Was the answer to your next
question going to be frank malzone?
Yeah.
Yeah.
[Whooping and laughing]
Ah! Looks like you
had a good time.
Great time, Diane, great time!
I'm so glad.
Where's frasier?
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Did I say something amusing?
You're going to get a
giggle out of this, Diane.
Frasier's still up in the woods.
He's snipe hunting. Ha ha ha!
Ha ha! You sent him
on a snipe hunt. I love it!
What's a snipe hunt?
Snipe hunt is an age-old custom
wherein we take uninitiated
hunter, like your Dr. Crane,
put him in a clearing
with a gunnysack,
and the rest of us go into the
bush to beat out the snipe to him.
Rather an elemental sport, but
I still don't see the humor in it.
The humor, Diane, is that
while the guy is out there
with a gunnysack, we go off,
have a nice dinner
in a restaurant,
and come back
here for some beers.
You see, there's no such
thing, really, as a snipe,
so there's no real reason
for any of us to hang around,
but since the bagger
doesn't know that,
he stays, and we leave.
I swear to you, this
is really funny, Diane.
Really funny.
You should have seen your
buddy out there... frasier.
A real sport, Diane.
He was practicing
the bagger's position.
Ha ha ha!
And Sammy made up
this terrific snipe call...
Brrr-aa-aa-aa-ooh-ooh.
Actually, somebody
else made that up.
You could hear him
doing it from miles away.
Brraa-aa-aa-ooh-ooh.
In other words, you
abandoned frasier in the woods?
Well, that's another
way of putting it,
but it doesn't sound
as funny that way.
Of all the immature, low-minded,
aberrant behavior
ever exhibited here,
this is the lowest, Sam.
Whoa! What do you mean "Sam"?
You're the ringleader!
You could have stopped it!
These lemmings don't
have minds of their own.
She's right, you know, Sam.
Sad but true, Sammy.
She is not!
Of course not.
Whatever you say, boss.
Hey, would you guys give...
Oh, come on! You're
overreacting here, Diane.
It's a harmless
little prank, that's all.
All guys fall for it. It's fun!
Did you ever fall for it?
Well, no, not personally,
but I know a lot of
my close friends have,
and boy, did they
have a terrific time.
Man: You have to be
a certain kind of guy.
Yeah. A real dink.
Ha ha ha!
Thanks a lot, Carla.
Oh, come on! Look,
frasier's got a sense of humor.
I bet he's up in
the woods right now
laughing himself silly.
I am sure that he is not.
Uh...
Like many who enter
the psychiatric profession,
frasier is a sensitive
and trusting man.
You took advantage of his trust.
He turned to you for a
much-needed day of relaxation,
and instead, you
gave him this...
A cruel malicious,
destructive, moronic prank!
A good-natured, fun,
character-building,
moronic prank.
Ha ha ha!
If there's a shred of
decency left among you,
you'll go back and find him.
I'll go.
Thank you for that
brief flash of humanity.
I can't believe this.
So you're here.
I'm furious with all of
you for what you did to me!
Frasier, I can ex...
Why did you introduce me
to that intoxicating sport?
I'm positively hooked on it!
Brraa-da-da-da-aah!
I was hoping you'd come back
here when you couldn't find me,
and I want to apologize.
After a couple of
hours in the position,
I heard some snipe
rustling in the bush,
so I went off to pursue them,
and I got lost in the woods.
I scrambled about for a while
until I heard the sound
of cars on the highway,
so I flagged down an 18-Wheeler
and made my way back to safety,
but good friends, I'm
sorry; I let you down.
It's the last thing
I wanted to do.
Frasier, are you
sure you're all right?
All right? Diane, I'm
aglow! I'm transported!
Of course, I don't
expect you to understand.
It has to do with the
unspoken bond between men.
Ow!
Sorry. I'm a little emotional.
Coach, set up my buddies.
I want to drink to the
camaraderie of this night.
Oh, you don't have
to do that, frasier.
Hey, hey, he wants to buy
his friends a drink, come on.
As you know, it is the
bagger's prerogative.
Ah! What a marvelous tradition!
Let's drink to it!
Frasier, may I have a
word in private with you?
It's about what
happened tonight.
Not now, Diane. You're
interfering with male bonding.
To snipe hunting, the
most humane of sports...
No guns, no knives, just a
man and a plain, simple bag.
Like you and Diane.
Ha ha!
Frasier...
Oh, come on, Diane.
Guys make jokes about
their mates. Right, guys?
Right. Right.
You probably all think I'm
being a bit manic about this,
but the fact is, I haven't spent
that much time out of doors
in my life, and I
was exhilarated by it.
It was a revelation to
me how quiet it was.
I heard an owl
for the first time.
You know, I finally
understand why
guys get hung up on going to
the woods... camping, fishing.
Yeah, yeah. Just wait till the
first time you come back home
with a snipe strapped
to the hood of your car.
Yeah. That's the
thrill of a lifetime.
Yeah. My one regret
is we didn't get a snipe,
and it's all my fault.
I let you guys down.
No, no, you didn't
disappoint us, frasier.
As a matter of fact, if there's
one thing you didn't do,
it was disappoint us.
Uh... I think it's time
that we told you a little
something here, frasier.
The fellows and I...
Frasier, I hate to interrupt,
but I really think you
should go freshen up.
Oh, you're right,
Diane. I'm filthy!
Oh, oh, and, uh...
I want to thank
all of you for...
Well, caring enough
to include me tonight.
[Laughter]
Oh, I don't believe it.
That guy is a bigger
boob than cliff!
No argument here.
So what was the
problem there? I was...
I was just going
to tell him the truth.
Do you have to?
What's the good of
giving a guy the shaft
if you can't laugh
in his face about it?
You listen to me, Sam Malone.
Now, this may be hard
for you to understand...
Most things are...
But finding out
in front of all these people
that he was the
butt of your joke
would be devastating to frasier.
He's always been
the odd man out.
Even when he was a child
and the kids would
choose up sides for softball,
he was always
the last one picked.
"You take the girl,
and we'll take frasier."
Yeah, I remember. I always
used to feel sorry for those guys,
even when I was
doing it to them.
Yeah. Frasier was lucky.
Some children were laughed
off the playground entirely.
Oh, not me, of course.
I was always out there.
And you still are.
Well, you know,
maybe I'm just lucky,
but nothing like that ever
really happened to me.
Wait a minute, Sam.
What about when I told you
that you weren't even invited
to the Red Sox
alumni dinner this year?
I wasn't invited to
the alumni dinner?
No, no. What am I talking about?
They're not even
having a dinner.
But while I'm thinking about it,
can I have Saturday night off?
What for?
Uh, death in the family.
Sure.
Hey, Sam, come on.
We got to tell frasier.
You're holding up
the laugh fest, huh?
We don't have to tell frasier!
And we're not going to, ever.
Then why'd we do it?
Well, you're obviously
bored with lip diddling.
He's going to find
out eventually, Diane.
Yeah, and we should
be the ones that tell him,
because we did
all the hard work.
He might not find out.
Frasier isn't an outdoorsman.
He doesn't hang around
with people like that.
If he should find out
about it years later,
he'll be able to laugh
about it from a distance,
especially if some
or all of you are dead.
That isn't asking
too much, is it?
[All muttering]
Sam...
What?
There's one other
thing I want you to know.
Lord knows why, but...
Frasier thinks of
you as a friend.
As a matter of fact,
he thinks of you
as one of his closest friends.
Get out of here.
He does, Sam.
Gee, what a boo...
Boo...
Bootiful guy he is.
All right, all right,
we'll do it your way.
Fellas, nobody
tells frasier the truth
about the snipe hunt, ok?
Well, it's a stupid oversight!
If Sam Malone isn't
invited, I'm not coming.
[Quietly] I'm only kidding.
I'll be there, 8:00 sharp.
Wrong number.
Thank you, everyone.
Believe me, it's best to
just let this matter drop.
No need for frasier to
suffer any embarrassment.
Let the matter drop?
I heard that, Diane.
I deserted my post,
and now I need a
woman to plead my case.
Frasier, if you feel
that strong about it,
maybe we could
take another shot at it.
You'd do that for me?
Oh, yeah, yeah!
You bet we would.
Fine. Well, let's
get back out there!
Out where?
Out in the wilds,
where the snipe run free!
When I was in the men's
room, I looked in the mirror,
and do you know what I saw?
A quitter, a man who
lets his buddies down.
I want to prove myself.
Well, hear that, guys?
Looks like frasier wants to
go back out there again tonight.
Absolutely I want to go
back out there again tonight!
You know what tonight is?
It's the night of the full moon.
Sam told me that snipe run
best when it's a full moon.
I said that.
That's right! And you said they'd
be running all night long, right?
I said that, too.
Well, then, what
are we waiting for?
Nothing. Let's get out of here!
Frasier, I really
got to hand it to you.
You're the first bagger I
ever met with enough stamina
to go snipe hunting
twice in the same night.
You're going to go down in
the annals of snipe hunting.
Sam, please.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much
for making us
promise not to tell him.
This way, we got to give
him a double whammy.
Frasier, before you go,
I need a moment alone with you.
Can't this wait till tomorrow?
Yeah. We're feeling
the thrill of the hunt.
Yeah. So is frasier.
Frasier.
Women.
I guess she wants to
kiss me or something.
Well, you have to
indulge them, you know.
Dames.
Yeah. That is why I
don't have a girlfriend.
Reason number 27.
Frasier, sometimes people
do thoughtless things.
They don't mean any harm.
They just don't know any
better. They're insensitive.
Good lord, dian. You sound like
the psychologist I
had when I was 8.
What are you trying to say?
There's no such
thing as a snipe hunt.
They played a
childish prank on you.
I know that.
What?
Good lord, Diane! A man does not
crouch in the
woods for two hours
without having a
revelation or two.
So this is part of a plan,
and I unwittingly helped you?
Yes.
Frasier, how devious!
But why didn't you tell me?
Well, I couldn't trust you.
You'd have thought
it was too cruel.
Oh, are you kidding?
I would have helped.
Frasier, this is so unlike you.
But it's what guys do, darling.
We screw each other to the wall.
Boy, it's great to be one
of the gang, I'll tell you.
You see, when we
get up to that clearing,
I'm going to get them
to pose for a photo.
And after they disappear into
the woods to beat out snipe,
I'm going to rush to
the car, drive back here,
and make you one
of my famous omelets.
Frasier...
I find your cunning arousing.
Well, that's what
it's there for, baby.
I've got to share this
with the troops, Diane.
Uh, men, you are not
going to believe this,
but Diane there just
attempted to tell me
that there is no
such thing as a snipe.
No! You're kidding me.
They will say anything
to keep you at home.
Diane, I promise you will
not become a snipe widow.
All right now, men,
let's go get one.
To the woods!
Woods, guys!
Listen, I'm sorry.
I swear to you,
years to come, we're
going to all sit back
and have a good laugh over this.
Not all of us will be laughing.
You'll see. Trust me.
Hey, look, it's
starting to snow.
Don't worry, frasier,
the colder, the better.