Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 13 - Whodunit? - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Ok, folks.

Just to help you
pass the time away

while you're waiting
for your table upstairs,

I'm going to show you a
little trick that never fails

to leave people with
their mouths wide open.

I'm going to guess
your correct age

by asking you three
simple questions, ok?

Sounds like fun.

Good.

Ok. First question.



What year were you born?

You gotta be kidding.

Please bear with me, will you?

1949.

1949.

Ok. Second question.

How much you weigh?

About 185 pounds.

185 pounds.

Ok. Third and last question.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a carpet salesman.

Carpet salesman.

All right.



Ok. I should have
an answer for you

right after dinner.

After dinner?

Yeah. I didn't realize I
had to carry a number.

4... 6 and 7...

♪ makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Good afternoon, everybody.

[All] Norm!

Hey, normy, what would you like?

You got anything pale and cold?

Yeah, but it's Diane's day off.

I'll have a beer, then, I guess.

You're looking a little glum,
there, buddy. You got a problem?

Yeah. New boss
just chewed me out.

Says I lack enthusiasm.

Well, is that true?

I don't know. Maybe.
I guess. Who cares?

Well, here it is, Dr. Ludlow.

Remember, it was
Diane's idea to expose you

to Boston's seamy underbelly.

Oh, frasier, come on.

Dr. Ludlow will enjoy a
little quaint Boston pub.

I wonder who the guy
is with frasier and Diane.

Talent scout for a geek show.

I do wish that I'd worn
a heavier overcoat.

I had no idea it would
be so chilly up here.

Yes. I apologize for that.

You're apologizing
for the weather?

Well, yes, and also the fact
that I've had this toasty garment

while you've been chilled.

Why don't you wear
it on the way home?

Well, we're not exactly
the same size, frasier.

Right. I'm sorry.

And you don't need
to keep apologizing!

That's all right,
sir. I don't mind.

Frasier.

I'm sorry. It's just
that I turn to jelly

when I'm in the presence of with
my mentor, Dr. Bennett ludlow.

Frasier, this attitude of
yours was perfectly all right

when you were in my graduate
program, but we are peers now.

Did you hear that, Diane? Peers.

Ludlow, get us some brandies!

No, no. I'm just kidding.

I'll get them. Diane,
could you give me a hand?

Certainly. Excuse me.

You noticed, didn't you?

Of course I noticed. What
are we going to do about it?

The only thing we
can do... ignore it.

Ignore it? That's
like telling me

to ignore your fly being open.

Yes. Very good point.

It, uh... It isn't, is it?

What seems to be the
problem here, folks?

Sam, my colleague has
dropped a crumb during dinner.

And in the intervening hours,

it has become
encrusted on his tie.

So what? You could
take norm's tie here,

put it in a kettle,
and make soup.

Incidentally, it's
a little-known fact

that the tie was
invented in ancient times

to be used as a bib...
You know, wipe your chin.

You mean they're
thinking of changing that?

Why don't you just tell the
guy that he's got a spot?

Gee, that's an idea.

Why didn't we just come
to Sam in the first place?

Sam, you just don't say,
"there's a spot on your tie,"

to a man the stature
of Dr. Bennett ludlow.

The Bennett ludlow?

You've heard of him, coach?

No.

Coach, he's only one of
the true giants of psychiatry.

Author, innovator, educator,

and I'm not ashamed to
say, my idol and inspiration.

All right. You lean over, pretend
you're admiring his tie tack,

then you just nibble
the morsel off real quick.

Who's the wiser?

Sam is right. We
have to tell him.

Of course you're right.

Sam, may we have
three brandies, please?

And I guess I'm the
one who should tell him.

After all, I'm the one who
suggested beef Wellington.

Beef Wellington, you say?

Where's that tie? Show me.

I just have to find a way to tell
him in a subtle and tactful way

that will allow him to
preserve his dignity.

Hey, pigpen! What's that thing?

What, are you trying
to catch pigeons?

Ooh!

Thank you very much.

Don't mention it. I like a man
who wears his dinner with pride.

Here we are.

Sir, in spite of the fact

that it may cause you some
personal embarrassment,

I have to tell you
you have a spot...

In my heart.

Always have, always will.

Thank you. Thank
you very much, frasier.

You'll excuse me. I've got
a telephone call to make.

Believe me, I am
not the sort of man

who approaches young,
unfamiliar ladies in a bar

and tries to become more familiar
by the use of some smooth line.

Your secret is safe with me.

Pardon me. Pardon
me for saying this,

but there's something about you
that is so... Strikingly attractive.

While you're staring
at my zoomers,

let's see if we can
figure out what that is.

Uh, what would it take to
get your telephone number?

A phone book.

Would you tell me your name,

or shall I just check in the
yellow pages under "hot babe"?

The name is Carla tortelli,

and, uh... I'm
starting to like you.

Say, norm?

Uh, yeah, cliff?

You seem to have a
spot there on your tie.

Oh, so I do, so I do.

Thank you, cliffie,
for pointing that out.

If more people were as
conscientious as you are,

I think we could wipe out

social embarrassment
in our time.

Well... Don't thank me, norm.

Periodic tie checks are the duty

of every American citizen.

Did he look at his tie?

No.

So much for subtlety.

All right. You just
start a fire for diversion,

and I'll hose him down.

Boy, am I exhausted!

Not much sleep, huh?

No, normy. I slept like a baby.

It's just that I dreamed
I had insomnia all night.

You know, someday, that
man's head is going to open up,

and a prize will pop out.

Hi, everybody!

Oh, hey, Carla,

I got some flowers here for you.

Ooh, for me?

Yeah. Very cute, Carla.

You've gotten flowers every
day for the last two weeks.

Ah! Mmm!

Yeah. I guess I ought
to be feeling a little guilty.

I mean, I'm getting
all these flowers,

and there are bees
going to bed hungry.

Yeah.

We're kind of curious here.

Who's your secret admirer?

None of your damn business.

Thank you, Carla.

Sam.

So what did she say?

"None of your damn business."

Well, excuse me for living.

What if I said that to you

when you asked me to show
you how to throw a knuckle ball?

You did.

Oh, so we're even.

Oh, frasier, you're early.

Is something wrong?

Well, of course
something's wrong.

Dr. Ludlow canceled
out on us again.

Surprise, surprise.

What excuse did
he give this time?

Something came up.

Something's been
coming up every night

for the last two months.

Well, frasier...

Maybe we just have to admit that
he doesn't want to see us socially.

Well, yes, I guess we've
been trying too hard.

We've been too eager.

Sam, can I get a beer
or something, please?

Especially that first night

when we made such
buffoons of ourselves.

We, frasier?

All right. You.

Me?

Yes. The way you fawned over
him was nothing less than criminal.

If you had taken
off your clothes

and writhed on the
floor in front of him,

it would have been a
refreshing note of subtlety.

No wonder the man's
been shunning us.

Frasier, you were so obsequious,

if he had asked you to cluck
like a chicken and lay an egg,

you would have squatted
and asked, "what color?"

Well, he didn't ask me to,

so it's a moot
point at best, Diane.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Diane, while I'm thinking
about it, I need tonight off.

Could you switch with me?

Uh, well...

Why not? There's nothing
going on in our lives.

That'll be fine, Carla.
You're in luck again.

I seems every time
you want to trade nights

with me, my plans get canceled.

Yeah. Go figure.

Hey, Diane.

Psst!

You know, I've been thinking.

Have you?

The odds makers
take a beating again.

Listen, listen. Is it possible
that this ludlow fellow

hasn't been seeing
the two of you

because he's been spending
time all his time with Carla?

Yes, Sam. Either that,

or he had finish his
paper route on Mars.

[Diane laughs]

I'm sorry, Sam, that you
had to feel the sting of my wit,

but it's a ludicrous question.

Now, wait a minute.

There are two
mysteries going on here.

First, Carla's been seeing
this obviously very classy guy,

and second, your pal has been
avoiding the two of you like the plague.

Of course, that's the
lesser of the two mysteries.

Sam, you're talking about
one of the most distinguished

and accomplished
men of letters I know

dating a common barmaid.

You're dating a barmaid.

She wasn't a barmaid
when I met her.

Oh, that's right.
She was a lunatic.

It's true, coach.

Many scientists believe
that the little finger...

That's the pinky,
in the legerdemain...

Will one day, like
the tail, disappear

because it serves
no useful purpose.

Well, people
couldn't go swimming

without their little finger.

Why do you need a little
finger to swim, coach?

You come out of the water,

you can't do this.

I stand corrected.

Sam, may I speak
to you for a moment?

Ok, ok. A cute
lunatic, all right?

Frasier is in a very
fragile state of mind.

Your asinine theories,

while suitable fodder for
inane bar conversation,

do nothing to
ease his fit of pique.

Wait a minute, here. The
one word I understood in that,

I don't exactly care for.

My theory is not asinine.

You're right. It's a lot worse.

Think of the two
of them together.

Bennett ludlow and Carla?

It's harebrained!

Just imagine it.

Well, you don't
have to imagine it.

There it is now.
Have you ever seen...

Aah!

No, I guess I haven't.

Diane, what's...

Aah!

You know, Benny
here may look like a stiff,

but he's really out
for a good time.

I was drawn to Carla
right from the start.

There's something so sensual,
something so earthy about her.

By the way, didn't any
of you suspect anything?

No, no. I think you would've
had to be a real brain

to figure this one out,
don't you think, frasier?

How come you kept this
relationship such a secret?

That's the way me
and big Ben wanted it.

Our backgrounds
are a little different,

which is a slight problem.

Word starts getting
around you're seeing a guy

who tucks his t-shirt
in his undershorts,

and your reputation
is shot to hell.

And I had similar
reasons to be discreet.

Yeah. Well, cat's
out of the bag now.

Well, excuse me, Benny.

I have to go see my customers.

I think this occasion
calls for somebody

to buy the house
a round of drinks!

Well, I'll do that!

You beat me to it.
I got the next one.

Diane...

Excuse us.

Now that I'm going to be
running in egghead circles,

looks like you and I are going to be
bumping into each other at parties,

you with your boyfriend
and me with my boyfriend...

His hero.

Ok. I think I've come
to terms with this.

Dr. Ludlow, you came here
more or less on vacation.

You've had your
walk on the wild side.

Now you can return
to your proper sphere,

refreshed and a
better man for it.

Frankly, frasier, it's a bit
more complicated than that.

I'm going to take a
short trip out of town,

and when I come back,

I think I'm going to ask
Ms. Tortelli to marry me.

How wonderful.

Damn it, Sam. Where is she?

Dr. Ludlow, I don't know.
She's almost never late.

Coach, did Carla call?

Yeah, she did.

What did she say?

None of your damn business.

How's your knuckle ball?

Come on, coach. We've
been over this again and again.

Give me a break, will you?

Dr. Ludlow.

We're all so happy
that Carla's getting

the first break of her life.

Hear, hear.

Thank you.

All this talk about romance

gives me a warm spot right here,

or was it that meal I
had at the hungry heifer?

Yes, yes, yes. I went back

for their special
chicken dinner.

What was it?

Bowl of pellets and
a handful of grain.

Well, here she is!

What's going on?

Dr. Ludlow has
something he wants

to talk to you about, Carla.

Of course, I had
not expected this

to be a spectator sport.

Perhaps you'd like
to step over here.

Benny, is this
what I think it is?

Yes, Carla.

I want you to marry me.

Wow, what a day.

Well, will you?

I guess I'd be crazy to say no.

Champagne,
please, for everybody.

Oh! All right!

Yeah!

[Sam] Way to go, doc.

Just great.

Thank you, thank you.

It happened right here!

Congratulations, doc.

Thank you, thank you.

Champagne for everybody.

Coming up, coming up.

[Cliff] Come on,
pay this window.

Good one.

Carla?

I couldn't help noticing

you're not exactly
leaping for joy.

Bennett ludlow is
a wonderful catch.

Yeah, well...

There's some things he
doesn't know about me.

Well, a little mystery
is good for a marriage.

What haven't you told him?

Well, I haven't been
completely honest about my kids.

What haven't you told
him about your kids?

That they live.

He doesn't know
you have children?

Shh, shh!

Carla, I think
you'd better tell him.

He's going to wonder

who those little people are
running around your place.

I was hoping he'd
be too polite to ask.

I didn't want to scare him off.

Well, I think it's only fair
that you tell him immediately

you have five children.

Six.

Ok, six, but
don't wait. If you...

I thought it was five.

It was. I just came
from the doctor's.

Uhh!

Oh, Carla!

When you were in high school

and you took hygiene...

Did you cut the
"how not to" lecture?

I had to. I was pregnant.

I tell you, I'm the most
fertile woman that ever lived.

For me, there's only one

absolutely foolproof
method of birth control,

and it makes me
sick to my stomach.

What's that?

Saying no.

Carla, are you all right?

Uh... I'll just go
celebrate with the others.

We're like a big
family here at cheers.

You know what they say
about a big family... more to love.

I always say, if you want
to be in a big family...

Beat it!

Bye.

Carla, my proposal
was not exactly met

with the enthusiasm
that I expected,

and it suddenly occurred to me

that I never heard the word yes.

Yeah, I know. Um...

Benny, I got to tell you
some things about myself.

Would you sit down for a minute?

Oh? Oh. This sounds serious.

It is, it is.

Uh...

Have you seen the Brady bunch?

Yes, I think so.

Well, picture them with knives.

I don't understand.

Oh...

I have five kids.

Five?

Well... five and counting.

You're going to be a daddy.

This is quite a day.

You now have my permission
to withdraw your proposal.

Do you want me to
withdraw my proposal?

I want you to do what you want.

I want you to marry me.

You're kidding!

Wow, what class!

I still haven't
heard the word yes.

I know.

Why do you think that is?

I think that if you
look into your feelings,

you'll know.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I do.

I'm in love with someone else.

Who is it, Carla?

I don't know his name.

I never even met him yet,

but I've had this really clear
picture of him in my mind

for what seems like forever.

He is going to walk
into this bar one night.

Well, not walk, really.
More like swagger.

You know? Confident,
but not cocky.

He's ok-looking, but
he's no pretty boy.

He's a swell dresser.

He's got on this
burgundy leather jacket.

He's got cherry
lifesavers in one pocket

and a pack of
camels in the other.

He's trying to quit
them both, but he can't.

His nose...

Is broken in all
the right places.

And he's got this scar on his
chin that he won't talk about.

He cracks his
knuckles all the time.

Drives me up a wall,

but what are you gonna do?

Doesn't talk much.
Doesn't have to.

He falls for me...

Hard.

I hurt him a few times.

He gets over it. We get married.

So, uh...

You see, it would
be a little messy

if I was already married
when he got here.

You know, Carla, I sort of
have a dream girl myself.

Ooh!

Oh, tell me about her.

Well, she's a spunky, hearty,
curly-haired little spitfire

who doesn't know
what's really good for her.

I hope you find her someday.

Me, too.

By the way,

I intend to take care
of that child financially.

You bet your buns
you will, Benny baby.

You ok?

Hey, would you knock it off?

Ok!

Ok. You're all going
to know eventually,

so you might as well know now.

I turned Benny down,
and I'm pregnant again.

So in case your math is bad,

that makes six,
count them, six kids

for an unmarried woman.

I don't want your sappy
looks. I don't want your charity.

I don't want your sympathy.

As a matter of fact, I don't
want to talk about this anymore.

I just want to be left
alone to live my life. Got it?

Got it.

What are you people
made of, stone?

Aw! Carla! Oh!