Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 12 - A Ditch in Time - full transcript

Hey. Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

What'll you have, normie?

1929 lafite-rothschild, coach.

Or a beer... whatever
everyone else is having.

Hey, norm, we haven't
heard much lately

about your quest to sire
an heir for the old throne.

So how goeth the baby-making?

Not good. Vera thinks it's
my fault she's not pregnant.

She says I'm not
trying hard enough.



Well, I hope before you
answered intemperately, norm,

you took into
account her frustration

in the old maternal
instinct department.

I said, "drop dead in a ditch."

Perfect.

I used to think
that sleeping was

the greatest pleasure
you could have in bed.

Now I'm sure of it.

Hey, norm, what's the matter?

Don't you like having
sex with your wife?

We're not exactly
what each other wants

in a sexual partner, you know?

For example, she wishes I
looked a little more like, uh...

Charles Bronson.



And, uh, I wish
she looked a little...

Less like Charles Bronson.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪♪

Carla, tell me what you think
about this new Cologne of mine.

What do you think?

I like it.

When will I be
able to see again?

Thank you very much, Carla.

You got some customers
waiting for you over there.

Right away.

Someone want to lead
me to them, please?

White wine, please.

White wine.

Uh, coach... I'll
handle this one.

There you go.

I hope this is not going to
embarrass you too much, ,

but I just got to tell you

you have the most beautiful
eyes that I have ever seen.

Well, I kind of get flustered,

but that's nice to hear.

If I were to tell you you
had a beautiful body,

would you hold it against me?

Gee, even I've heard that one.

I don't seem to be doing
too well with my patter tonight.

Maybe I ought to
just rely on my looks.

Have you seen this one?

Ha ha! Oh, you.

I guess I'm just a
sucker for sophistication.

Now that I've
charmed your socks off,

you want to go out to
dinner with me tonight?

You know a place where
they don't require socks?

I'll bet I can find one.

What do you say? Shall we?

I can't leave just yet. I
came by to see somebody.

Ah. Who?

Amanda?

Diane!

Hi!

So you two know each other, huh?

Nothing gets by this guy.

Sam, this is my
friend Amanda boyer.

Amanda, this is my
friend Sam Malone.

Well, you're going to
have to excuse us here.

I think we're on our
way out to dinner.

Actually, I came by to see you.

You want to have lunch sometime?

Lunch sometime.

Are you two going out together?

Ooh, you're pretty sharp
yourself there, Diane.

Uh... before you do,
could I speak with you

about a problem, Sam?

Trouble in the back room.

You're not gonna talk
about me, are you?

Don't be silly.

That woman's a mess.

Don't go out with her.

Why not?

Well... I can't tell you now.

Just trust me for once.

You're going to have to
give me some kind of hint.

I really can't say anything.

Oh, I can't believe
you're so blatantly jealous.

You still can't stand the sight
of me with another woman, huh?

My heart goes out

to any living creature
in your company.

You know, one of these days,

you're gonna wise up and
realize that if you want a chance

of getting back
together with me,

you're gonna have to
start talking a little nicer.

Sam.

Mm-hmm?

You are an
unmitigated egomaniac.

Too little, too late.

Good night.

You know, normie,
I was just thinking,

when you and Vera
do have the baby,

you're gonna have to
give the kid a name, right?

Yeah, we're toying with
the idea of naming it.

Well, when it comes
time to name the baby,

you should consider Barry.

Why? What's so
special about Barry?

He's a wiz with names, cliff.
He gave me my nickname.

Coach?

What?

Uh, never mind.

As I was saying, norm,

Barry gave me my
nickname... coach.

Gee, that was inventive.

You were a coach,
so he called you coach.

You know, you're
probably right, Larry,

because I always thought
he gave me the name

because I never
flew first-class.

We're not going to
need Barry's help, coach.

We already have a whole
list of names to fight over.

We're gonna wait
till the baby's born

and fight over boy
names or girl names.

Norm, you don't have
to wait till the baby's born

to figure out a name

if you use, you know, sonar.

Well, yeah. Sonar
is a beautiful name.

Hey, everybody.

Sam. Well, what happened?

That was an awfully long dinner.

Oh, this is pitiful,

you wearing your heart
on your sleeve like that.

Oh! How did you and
Amanda get along?

Well, she's ok, I guess.

Not triple "a", but
food was good,

and she's got pretty
good table manners.

High praise from
a man who thinks

mashed potatoes
are a finger food.

So you didn't make any
plans to see each other again?

You know, I like it when
a woman's hot for me,

but this is ridiculous.

It's none of your business,
but if you must know,

yeah, I was thinking
about calling her again.

Oh, no! I wish
frasier weren't at

that nerve ending symposium.

I... well, I guess I have
to tell you the truth.

Amanda and I
became friends at...

A place.

Ooh, that's pretty fascinating.

You're going to have
to fill me in on that later.

The place was golden brook.

The booby hatch?

Oh, no! She looked so normal.

What, were you guys
cellmates or something?

There are no cells
at golden brook.

I was there of my own volition,

as were a lot of
other normal people

who just needed
a little time to rest

and sort out their feelings

under constant
psychiatric supervision.

Ahh.

I shouldn't even
be talking to you.

Maybe I'm being an alarmist.

She wouldn't be out if
she still had problems.

You're out.

What exactly is
wrong with that kid?

Oh... I didn't want to tell you

because we were in
group therapy together,

and I didn't want to
violate her confidence.

I guess I have to tell you now.

Please don't ever
tell another living soul.

No.

Amanda is obsessive with men.

Oh, my god, no!

Wait a second. Wait a second.

What does that mean,
exactly? She likes men a lot?

When she decides
she wants a man,

she develops an
excessive preoccupation

and possessiveness

and becomes totally irrational.

Oh, you mean kind
of like you... Landa.

Yulanda Johnson. You don't
know her. Very obsessive woman.

She is nothing like "yulanda."

Whatever. Listen, I
wasn't thinking about it,

but if I ever do go
out with her again,

first sign of trouble,
I'll back off. Ok?

Wait a second. Um...

What's an example
of obsessive behavior?

Mom, dad, there he is...

The man I'm gonna marry.

This is an example.

Sam, these are my parents,

Mona and Todd.

Hello, Sam.

We've heard so much about you.

When?

On the drive over
here. It was a long drive,

and I feel like I know you.

Oh, daddy, stop it.

Mom and dad came by to visit me,

and I thought it'd be
nice for them to meet you.

Amanda, can I have a
word with you in private?

Hi, Amanda. Mona, Todd.

Uh, Sam, I need to talk to you

about the inventory.

We'll be right back.

That girl looks familiar.

Is she the one I
met on basket day?

Mm-hmm.

What were you going
to do when I interrupted?

I was gonna get rid of
her before this gets serious.

Sammy, better get out there.

She's picking out silver
patterns with her parents.

Yeah, look, and tell them
fleurs-de-lis are passé.

They won't listen to me.

Yeah. Ha ha!

Uh, we're trying to have
a private conversation.

We're not trying
to be nosy, I swear.

Just go on about your business.

Oh, very well.

You can't give her some
standard prearranged speech

you have for dumping women.

I do not have a standard
prearranged speech

for dumping women.

Every situation is different.

For example, the
speech I dumped you with

would be totally inappropriate.

I don't think you dumped me.

Well, you see? That
was the beauty of it.

Come on! Give
me credit, will you,

for knowing that I
couldn't possibly have

one speech for every situation.

Yeah. He's got six.

Yeah. Sammy, I think this
one calls for number three...

"it's times like these I'm
ashamed to be a man."

Get out!

Let's wait a minute here, Diane.

Sam's a very close
personal friend.

He's in a crisis now,
and I just don't think...

Ok. Have a couple
of beers on me.

Ok.

Sammy, you know where to find us

if you need any help.

Oh, boy.

Sam, that woman out
there is very vulnerable.

Whatever you say to her
has to be sensitive and real.

Mm.

Otherwise, the consequence
could be horrendous.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean by that?

Well, she could do
something ghastly again.

You don't mean...

Yeah. She could
try to kill herself.

Oh, thank god! I thought
I was in danger there.

No, no! That's not what I meant.

You're making me a
nervous wreck here.

Just tell me what to say to her

so she doesn't hurt
herself, and I'll say it.

Well, I wish I knew.

Come on, come on.

Well, she'll try to
manipulate you.

Be strong. Don't waver.

And ease into the
rejection gently.

Ok. You think that will work?

Well, if not, have
a nice honeymoon.

Oh...

Hi. I'm sorry to keep you
and your folks waiting.

That's ok. They like you a lot.

You make a wonderful
first impression.

Well, it's my best one.

Uh, Amanda, I...

Please! Please don't dump me.

Please, Sam. Please.

Give me another chance.

I shouldn't have
brought my parents.

That was just stupid
and impulsive of me.

And I don't even like them.

I'm gonna get rid of them.

Wait, wait. I was
just gonna say...

I wonder if they would
like to have a drink.

Oh?

Oh. Ha ha ha!

No, thank you. They don't drink,

but thank you for
thinking of them.

You're welcome.
Then I was gonna say...

No, no! Please, Sam. Please.

Would you just please let
me finish what I was gonna say

before you jump to conclusions?

Just sit down and
don't say anything.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.

Amanda...

I like you, and I
respect you too much

not to be honest.

Now, I'm sorry if I misled you,

but I just don't want to
pursue this relationship.

Ooh, I'm so embarrassed...

And ashamed...

And tired.

Oh, I'm very tired.

I'm... I'm sorry,
Sam, for everything.

Good-bye, Sam.

Are you, uh, are you all right?

Oh, sure.

It... it's my fault.

You are such a nice guy.

Please, don't blame yourself

for anything that
has ever happened.

Or anything that's
going to happen.

Whoa, whoa! Wait
a second here, now.

What do you mean by that?

Sam, you don't have to worry
about me anymore, remember?

We're through.

But I didn't mean
the bad through.

I meant the good through.

What's the good through?

Well, that's where we would
go out to dinner right now

and then maybe have
a drive down the cape

and, uh, maybe even see
each other tomorrow, huh?

The cape would
be pretty tonight.

I'd like that, Sam.

Well, there. You see
how fun through can be?

I'll get my parents,

and we'll drop them
off at some bus stop.

You have another
date with her, right?

Well, no, I wouldn't
call it exactly a date.

It's more like a...
Lifetime commitment.

My goodness, Norman.
You and Vera have compiled

quite an extensive
list of baby names.

Yeah. We think up
names while we make love.

It sort of helps
to pass the time.

May I suggest that you add
one more to the boys list?

My favorite has
always been Toby.

Toby? Why don't you
just name him precious

or pumpkin pie
and be done with it?

You know, my ex
may not be a class act,

but he's got a first-rate
male name... Nick.

Well, it's on the
list here... Nick.

Oh, good.

You ought to have
Sam down there.

Sam's here, coach,
right next to Ernie.

Oh, thank you, norm.

Looks like my buddy's got all
the bases covered here, huh?

Yup.

Where's, uh... Where's my name?

What?

Clifford. Where's Clifford?

Come on.

Name a kid cliff?

Have a heart, will you?

Well, hey, look, norm,

you got every other male name
down there except, eh, Zeus.

Zeus. I like that. Zeus.

Oh, hey, Diane,
you're back. Good.

I think you might
be interested to know

I finally handled that sticky
situation with Amanda,

and I did it in a way that will
make you very proud of me.

Really?

Yeah. Oop, got to go.

Diane...

I know that Sam would
not have wanted a big fuss...

But shouldn't we have
some sort of funeral for him?

Good lord.

Amanda, I think we'd
better straighten this out.

Sam.

Sam, open the
door. We have to talk.

Is the freak show gone yet?

Oh, hi. Uh...

We haven't been introduced yet.

I'm ed, Sam's twin brother.

I'm here to handle the estate.

Oh, boy.

Twin brother. What a trick, huh?

That's why he's the boss.

I can't believe you
did this to me, Sam.

I'm sorry, Amanda. I know
it was stupid and cruel.

I could have handled it better.

I guess I could have
pretended to be sick

for a few days first.

You don't have
to apologize, Sam.

I do.

I put you in a terrible spot.

Amanda...

Don't despair.

Just when my life
seemed to be its darkest,

I met frasier crane

and discovered love
doesn't have to hurt you.

Yeah. You can
sleep right through it.

I made a lot of
mistakes here, Sam,

and I have a history

of being wrong about men.

But I know it's different

this time with you.

No matter what happens,

I'll never stop loving you.

Till the day I die,

you'll always be mine.

Well, this is going pretty well,

wouldn't you say?

Amanda, I didn't
want to do this,

but I have to tell
you something now

that will change the
way you feel about Sam.

Nothing you could ever say

would change the
way I feel about him.

Except this.

Except nothing.

No matter what you ever do,

no matter where you ever go,

I'll never get over you.

Amanda, do you remember the man

I used to talk about
in group therapy?

Ralph?

This is Ralph.

Sam is Ralph?

That's right.

The man to whom you just
pledged your undying love

is Ralph.

Well, he can't hold me to that.

If they won't let
me sign contracts

or have a credit card or vote,

then I am not responsible
for hysterical hogwash

that I babbled in the
back room of a bar!

Thank you for saving me, Diane.

Ohh!

Sam, I will think of you...

Every time I see something
scurry under the sink.

I... I don't mean to
seem ungrateful...

What exactly did
you say about me

in this group therapy?

I told them the truth.

For instance?

Oh, I don't want
to get into this.

I made a lot of mistakes myself.

I was not a perfect girlfriend.

No. Come on. I want to
know what lousy things

these people know about me.

Oh... I told them
about Christmas.

That again? What is wrong
with giving steak knives?

I give them to my mother,
and she loves them.

I give them to you, and I
never hear the end of it!

Sam, for heaven's
sakes, I was your lover!

You could have given me
something more personal.

What did you give me
for Christmas? A scarf.

What's so personable about that?

I knit it myself.

And I had to take took
classes to learn how.

I sent away for the
cashmere months in advance

just to get that
particular grade.

I consulted a colorist

to determine the
best colors for you,

and I hand-dyed
the fabric myself!

Yeah, well, I would have
made the steak knives,

except I hocked my
forge to buy the bar.

What else?

Ohh...

I told them about the time

I was laid up with the flu

and you didn't visit me once.

That... that...

And you sent me
second-hand flowers

for Valentine's day.

Well, I was nowhere near...

Do you want to hear this or not?

I told them about
the time I cooked you

a seven-course szechuan
dinner for your birthday,

and you had a burger
on the way over.

I remember that. There
was an explanation.

I just can't remember
what it was.

And the time you lied
about a relative dying

so you could go skiing and
debauching with your buddies?

You still don't see
the humor in that?

I wanted to spend
the day with you

after our first night together,

and you went to a football game.

It wasn't a football game.

The winners went
to the playoffs.

Oh, just forget it!

I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry.

I did the best I could
when I was with you.

I mean, you're right.
I have blind spots,

and I'm not a very
good boyfriend,

but I've never tried harder
with any woman in my life.

I mean, we had some bad times,

but I tell you, the
good times with you

were some of
the best of my life.

That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Diane, I...

No, Sam, stop. I
want to get out of here

before you say something
stupid that ruins it.

I'm not gonna ruin it...

No, no, no. Now,
stop. Don't ruin it.

I'm not gonna ruin it!

Shh shh shh shh!

Oh, yeah, that
would have ruined it.

Oh, would it ever!