Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 4 - Homicidal Ham - full transcript

Diane: Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hiya, Sam.

Hey, Carla.

Did you just get pregnant
in the last five minutes?

I could, but this
is just stuffing.

Why?

Well, because I'm a little
short, and my rent is due.

And I found out they give
better tips to pregnant women.

That's absolutely
dishonest, Sam.

I mean, you should
tell her to get rid of it.

I can't do that,
coach. She's catholic.



Oh, yeah.

Hey, would you watch
it? I'm in a family way here.

Kid's going to be a swimmer.

♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪



♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Ah, would you look at that.

Some idiot carved
his initials on my bar.

It's his initials
and his girlfriend's.

It's sweet.

No, it's not sweet.
It's destructive.

I mean, who did...

Who did that?

"S.m. Plus D.C."

Diane...

I think it's romantic.

No, it's not romantic.

It's stupid.

If you want romantic,

we could have our buns tattooed.

Worth a shot.

I'm just going to
run a tab for you.

Boo.

Uh-huh? Aah!

Excuse me.

Oh, Sam?

May I speak with you
for a moment, please?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm? Hmm.

Don't you recognize that man?

The ex-convict
you paid to date me,

who murdered a waitress

and fantasizes his
hands are claws.

Oh, yeah.

How'd you happen
to remember him?

Of course I recognize him.

His name is, uh, Andy
something. So what?

So, what is he doing here?

I don't know.

Probably came in for a drink.

People do that, you know.

As soon as you hang a
sign out that says "bar,"

you start getting that.

Sam, you have to
get rid of that killer.

He's dangerous.

Aw, come on. Look at him, Diane.

Does he look dangerous to you?

Not at the moment, but...

He's a customer, that's
all. He's just a customer.

He has every right to be
here just like everybody else.

Don't worry, if
he starts anything,

I know how to handle it.

Hey. Andy, isn't it?

That's right. And
you're, uh... Sam.

Correct. What will
you have, Andy?

Everything in the
cash register, Sam.

Freeze!

Uh... everybody
just take it easy here.

I'll, uh, get...

No, no.

Let the other guy get it.

Ernie pantuso. Call me coach.

We got to help Sammy.

What can we do?

I don't know. Maybe
we can jump the guy.

He's not that big.

The gun is big.

The gun's definitely big.

Maybe Diane could
run around in circles

flapping her arms
and draw his fire.

Uh, Carla, you stay out of this.

Me and norm will handle this.

Me? What do you want me to do?

We've got to do
something. Trust me.

Statistics show
that 33% of the time,

a guy carrying a gun will
not use that gun if challenged.

So?

Well, so if he's already
shot 2 people today,

you're in luck, now get him.

Hey, folks, folks.
I certainly hope

no one's going to
try anything silly here.

Just take it easy.

No one's going to try to
overpower you or anything.

It's not worth it.

Not even if I was
a little careless

and sort of let the gun
drop onto the bar like that?

Maybe let my attention

wander around
the room a little bit?

Now!

It's ok. It's ok.

Yeah. Carla's got him.

Lucky for him.

Ok, ok, Sam, you got me.

Hey, watch where you're
pointing that. I'm sorry.

It's ok. It isn't loaded.

It isn't?

Oh, my god. It isn't.

Cliffie, do you suppose

this little trickle
here is noticeable?

Would you guys come down
here for a second and watch him?

I'm gonna go see if the police
are answering their phone today.

Good. I want to
go back to prison.

I can't make it on the outside.

Have you really tried to
make it on the outside?

I've been beating my brains out.

No one's gonna give
an ex-con a break.

No one will hire me,
no one trusts me.

What is it you want to
do? What are your skills?

I have no skills.

I'm worthless.

Don't you have any
ambitions, any dreams?

You'd laugh if I told you.

No, we won't.

I'd love to be an actor.

[Laughing]

God bless you, cliff.

I did a little acting
in high school.

I think I was pretty good.

At least it was an escape
from so many things.

So go out and be an actor.

What are you
bellyaching to us for?

Fat chance. Nobody
will give me a look.

I'm going back where I belong,

out of everybody's
way. Prison is my home.

I called the cops.
They're on their way.

Call back. Tell
them not to come.

Got it.

Why? Why am I doing that?

Sam...

When Andy shoved
that gun in your face,

he was asking for help.

Oh, silly me, I thought
he was asking for money.

He stands here as an embodiment

of a failure of
our penal system.

Yes. This man doesn't
belong in prison.

Sam, we... mostly I...
can save this man's life.

Well, how are we... mostly
you... going to do that?

Never mind that now.

Call off les gendarmes.

Trust me.

Coach: What are you
gonna do now, Diane?

Well, I happen to know
professor Sebastian DeWitt,

one of america's
foremost drama coaches.

He can spot an
actor a mile away.

Boy, that could come
in handy at a drive-in.

Sam: Ok, I called the cops off.

Excellent.

Andrew, listen to me.

Now, you want to be an actor,

and I have some experience

as a student director in school.

We're going to do a scene...

Diane, what...
later, Sam. Later.

Now, if I think
you're good enough...

A very big "if," by the way...

But if you are, I'll arrange
for professor DeWitt

to see you perform.

He has contacts at
every theater on the cape.

Wow. Gee, Sam,

I never expected
anything like this

when I came in here
to stick up your bar.

Well, you know the old saying.

Use a gun, go to Cape Cod.

Diane...

Why are you
doing all this for me

after our last
experience together?

Well, I understand

what people in the
acting world go through.

I did a bit of acting
myself in college.

Really? Maybe you could
be in my scene with me.

Were you good?

Well, I don't like to brag,

but a lot of people
loved my work.

Bennington is still
talking about my tiny Alice.

Who wants a girl
with a big Alice?

I know a bookstore that
specializes in theatrical books.

Let's go and pick up
a couple of plays. Ok.

Good. Sam, may I
have half an hour off?

No.

Oh, you're right.
I need an hour.

Diane, can I talk to you
here for a second, please?

Excuse me. I'll be right there.

A minute ago,

you thought this guy
was Jack the ripper.

Now, you're gonna go
out browsing with him?

Now I know him.

Sam, look at him.

Does he look like a
dangerous person?

The guy has done time.

He made one small mistake.

No, no. He made a big one.

He's a murderer, Diane.

One murder does
not a murderer make.

Ok, what I mean is, he's
not a murderer at heart.

Anyone who loves the
theater loves mankind.

I just don't think

that somebody should
go out with a crazy person.

I can take care of myself.

No, I'm talking about me.

Hie thee, Andrew.

Let us away.

Sam?

I sense that you're uneasy

about one of your employees

being in danger with me.

Sam, my crime
occurred a long time ago.

I was a different person then.

I had one terrible moment

of temporary insanity,

but I'm much better now.

I'm much healthier.

I can't remember

the last time I
heard those voices.

Well, I'm glad...

What voices?

Those shrill voices

that used to sound like my...

My...

Who?

Mommy.

Oh. Well, I'm glad
you got it licked.

Sam, please.

Relax.

I'm better now.

Diane: Come along, Andrew!

Aah!

Oh, you thought...

That... no.

But it wasn't.

There was a hard left
followed by 2 quick jabs.

And another left. Oh!

He stepped right into that one.

A left jab buckles him over.
The left uppercut misses.

An screaming overhead right
glances across his forehead

as they go into the corner.

And that's the end of round six.

It's beer time, Sammy.

Hey!

And they're off!

Step right up, ladies
and gentlemen.

Good hands. Good hands there.

Keep moving, keep
moving. Here we go.

Whoa! Right. There we go.

We got 20 seconds
to next commercial.

Let's go! Come on!
That's it. Good hands!

Here we go. Go! Good! Good!

There we go. All right.

Come on. Move it along there.

Come on. We got three left.

We got two left. All right.

Sammy, what does
a guy have to do

to get a beer around here?

I don't know about
you, but I think this is

the best middleweight contest

we've seen in a long time.

I guess no fight fan would
want to miss this one.

All right, boys. Off, off, off.

We can't even hear ourselves
rehearsing back there.

He's worked very hard.

Professor DeWitt will
be here any minute.

Hey!

Come on!

I hope she's showing you

one hell of a good time.

Don't be nervous.

You're going to be wonderful.

I'm not nervous.

It's just this week has
gone by so quickly.

It's been the best
week of my life.

Oh.

Miss chambers.

Professor DeWitt, how
good of you to come.

This is Andrew schroeder,

a young man who I think
is going to surprise you.

I hope so.

I hope so.

You know, when the theater
loses its power to surprise,

it loses its vitality.

What are you going
to show us first?

A scene from othello.

Challenging.

Challenging.

It's certainly nice to see
you again, Diane. Thank you.

When you were a
student in the department,

I could never picture
you as a waitress.

Oh, professor, you're
forgetting that I played a waitress

in your production of bus stop.

Yes, I know.

Have fun.

Break a leg.

Diane...

I can't believe you've
done all this for me.

Well, you deserve it.

You're talented and sensitive.

You have a lot of depth.

You know me so well.

Well...

I'm a pretty good
judge of people.

You are.

You're wonderful.

I love you, Diane.

Oh, I love you, too.

You guys about ready back here?

The crowd's getting restless.

If they don't hear some
elizabethan couplets pretty soon,

they're gonna turn ugly.

I'd better get into costume.

Excuse me. Mm-hmm.

All right. Listen up.

You were right about Andy.

I was wrong.

He's been a complete
angel all week.

My objections were stupid.

You satisfied?

Of course.

Put it in writing,
and we'll be fine.

Not a chance.

I'm sorry that I haven't
been around much this week,

but it was important
to help Andy.

It's been kind of tough.

Yeah.

Well...

Later, when we're alone,

we'll go back to my apartment

and I'll make it up to you.

What time tonight?

Ah, Andy, hey, ok,

let's, uh, let's get
the show on the road.

Good luck. Good luck.

Andy, what's the matter?

You kissed him.

I saw you.

Oh! Oh, that's all right.

I guess it's no
secret around here.

Sam and I have
sort of a thing going.

But... but I love you,

and you said you love me.

Oh, dear.

No, well, see...

I was speaking
as a friend, Andy.

If I gave you any
other impression,

I'm sorry.

Really sorry.

I do love you...

As a friend.

Ok?

Sure.

You're not upset?

No. No.

You're not angry with me?

That's ok.

I'll use it in my performance.

Yet, she must die...

Else she betray more men.

Wonderful!

That was perfect.

Put out the light,

and then...

Put out the light.

Andy, please, it's
time. You ready?

Aah!

Show folk.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Good evening, everyone,

and welcome to
talent night at cheers.

This evening, we
are going to begin

with a scene from William
Shakespeare's othello.

I know that I don't have to
explain the play to professor DeWitt.

But it might be
helpful to some of you

if I explain what
you're about to see.

I wonder who she's
talking about, norm.

I don't know.

In this play,

Andrew schroeder, my discovery,

will enact the role of othello.

Yo, Andy! Whoo!

This is the story of a man

driven by insane jealousy

to murder the woman he loves

because he believes

that she is in love
with another man.

The scene we're about to do

is the scene in which othello

actually kills said woman,

who will be portrayed by myself.

Did I mention that I'm
playing desdemona?

Ok, so...

Without further ado,

the strang...

The strangulation scene.

But before we do...

Let's have a little background.

Come on, Diane.

I have a bratwurst sandwich.

No more background.
Let's just have the scene.

Uh, Sam...

No, no. You don't
have to worry about it.

Really, you're gonna
be tremendous.

Let me give you a little kiss...

Don't touch me. I
barely know you!

All right. All right.
Let's get going.

All right.

On with the play.

In this scene,
desdemona is in bed

when othello
comes in thinking...

Very mistakenly,
I can assure you.

He's completely
off-base on this one.

He'll be sick about
it in the morning.

Thinking that she has
been unfaithful to him.

Which, of course, she hasn't.

It is the cause,

it is the cause, my soul.

Let me not name it to you,

you chaste stars.

It is the cause.

Yet I'll not shed her blood,

nor scar that whiter
skin of hers than snow.

There. Good.

Well, it's agreed.
No blood, no scarring

and that's the
gist of our scene.

Oh, come on, Diane.

Sam, what's wrong
with Diane tonight?

Aw, she just got a little
stage fright. That's right.

Hey, Diane, the
sooner you start,

the sooner you'll be finished.

Who's there?

Othello?

Aye, desdemona.

Will you come to bed, my lord?

Ooh, yeah!

Have you prayed
tonight, desdemona?

I would not kill thy
unprepared spirit.

Talk...

Talk you of killing?

Aye, I do.

He's convincing.

There's a real murderous
intensity about him.

Then heaven have mercy on me.

Think on thy sins.

Sam, are you sure she's ok?

Yeah, sure. She's
just acting, coach.

Well, shouldn't you make sure?

Oh, can you imagine what she'd say if
I butted in on her Shakespeare scene?

Take heed of perjury.

Thou art on thy deathbed.

I love it!

A desdemona that fights back!

Help! This psycho's
trying to kill me!

That's the only line of
Shakespeare I ever understood.

I saw you kissing Sam!

I saw you kissing Sam!

Kissing Sam?

Is that in the...

Get someone to
help me, will you?

Mommy!

I'll clean up my room, mommy!

What time is the second show?

I...

I hope you fry for this.

Shh. Are you going to be ok?

I'm...

I'm having a little
trouble breathing.

No, no. I meant for tonight.