Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 3 - Personal Business - full transcript
After a workplace dispute between Diane and Carla puts Sam in an awkward position, Diane decides that it might be best if she no longer worked at the bar for the betterment of her and Sam's relationship. After two weeks of no bites, Diane finally gets a job as a proofreader at a small publishing company, pending a good reference from her last employer (Sam). During the reference discussion, Sam and Diane find out that her prospective new employer only has sex on his mind. Once again without a job or any other prospects that haven't included sexual favors, Diane is asked by Sam to return to the bar. However she comes to the conclusion that the situation at Cheers is no different than what she has faced in her job search: she is not the best employee and is the boss' girlfriend. Sam counters that he too feels used since Diane's original motives for wanting to work there were solely to bed Sam. For both to regain their professional dignities, they vow that her return would include a set period of solely a professional relationship between the two. Now, how long would it take for each to regain their dignity? With others in the bar, Norm and Vera break-up. Vera tests the dating waters while Norm pretends to do so.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
I got it. Yeah, thank you.
Table ready
upstairs at melville's
for the Anderson party.
Table ready for
the Anderson party!
Your name is Anderson?
Yeah.
I guess there must be
two Anderson parties.
What's the first name?
Ernie, but they call me coach.
Coach, there are two
Anderson parties here.
Would you call
upstairs and find out
which Anderson
party gets the table.
Good idea.
Nick, we got a little
problem down here.
There are two Anderson parties.
Now, which one is it?
Oh, thanks, Nick. Thanks.
I got it.
I'm sorry. I was wrong.
It's not for the Andersons.
It's for the blubberbutts.
Table ready for
the blubberbutts!
Table ready for
the blubberbutts!
♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Dylan Thomas, delmore Schwartz,
Fitzgerald, faulkner...
They all virtually drank
themselves to death.
Gone before their time.
So, can I get you another round?
Oh, ohh.
Diane's mouth has
sprung a leak again.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
We have to leave. Could
we get our waitress now?
Sure.
Diane: Here's my theory
on the relationship
between alcohol and genius.
Writing is a very
lonely profession... oh!
Excuse me a moment.
Let me go. Carla.
Carla, please. Please.
Carla.
Here you go.
Could we get our check?
Certainly.
Carl, I told you before...
Keep your hands off Diane.
I will if you will.
Carla...
I have two things to say to you.
First, don't ever do
anything like that to me again
or you will regret it for the
rest of your miserable little life,
and the second, would this
a bad time to ask a favor?
For you, there's no good time.
I would greatly appreciate it
if you would switch
schedules with me
so that I could have
next Tuesday off.
No!
Oh, Carla.
Oriana fallaci is giving
a speech at Harvard.
Look, come on, please.
You've got to change with me.
I don't have to do nothing.
Before I do a favor for you,
I would rather be dragged
around town by my tongue.
Well, since you don't
feel strongly about it,
maybe Sam would
like to decide for us.
Ha! I'd rather flip a coin.
At least that way
I'd have a chance.
What is that mean
supposed to mean, please?
It means that ever
since you two started...
You know.
She gets away with things
the rest of us wouldn't.
I beg your pardon.
Carla, maybe you're right.
Maybe I have been
too easy on her.
I'll take her in the back
and teach her some obedience.
I got no feelings about
what you 2 do in private,
no matter how disgusting,
sickening, and putrid it is.
I just don't think
the rest of us
should suffer for it.
Carla, all I asked you to do
was switch nights off with me,
and you turn it into
a verbal lynching.
What's the big deal
changing one night with her?
There you go again
taking her side.
Huh, huh?
Ok. All right, all right.
Diane, work Tuesday night,
and let's just forget this
whole thing, will you?
Sam, you obviously don't realize
how important this
speech is to me.
It's only one night, Carla.
Hey, Diane, I think...
Carla, come on...
Does anyone want to buy a bar?
All right, Sam, relax. It's not
fair to put you through this.
Carla, I've changed my mind,
you don't have to switch with me.
Good, good.
Sam: Ok?
I've just come
to a very important decision.
Well, good for you.
Evening, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
Norman.
Would you like a beer, norm?
Let's see something
in a size 54, sudsy.
So how's life treating
you there, norm?
The same.
Oh, that's too bad, norm.
If not worse.
What's wrong, normie?
Nothing. A little
personal problem.
If it's anything you
want to talk about...
No. Thought I'd kind of sit here
and let it gnaw at
my gut for a while.
Now, normie, come on.
You're among friends here.
If you can't talk to us,
who can you talk to?
Yeah. That's right.
Not Vera, that's for sure.
She and I have split.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
What happened,
norm? What caused it?
Well, she said we no
longer communicate,
that I never listen to her...
A bunch of other
stuff. Yak yak yak.
Well, cheer up, norm.
Maybe this'll be good
for you somehow. Yeah?
Yeah. Absolutely.
Look at it this way.
You're a free man now, norm.
A carefree bachelor, huh?
Yeah, I do have a pad now.
Hey, where is it?
You know that big
beautiful building
down by the waterfront?
Holy mackerel!
Take a left there,
you drive for about
a half an hour.
Don't come at night.
No, I think this is gonna be a
whole new way of life for you.
You just got to get up and
around a little bit, you know?
Aw, I don't know.
Come on, man, come on.
What are you waiting for?
All right, all right.
All right, I'm going to do it.
Norman. Norman.
Norman. Norman.
Norman. Norman.
Stand back.
I'm on the prowl.
Slow up.
Aw, come on, man.
That was awfully
quick, there, norm.
They know where to find me.
Sam. Yeah?
Read this.
What is it?
My resignation.
Your what?
Read it, read it.
"Dear Sam..."
"Although my tenure here
"has been one of value
and enlightenment,
still..."
Il faut cultiver notre jardin.
Come on. First of all,
nobody resigns from a bar,
and second of all,
nobody resigns in Latin.
It's French, Sammy.
What does it mean?
Well, because of the
idiomatic peculiarities,
it can't really be
translated into English.
"One must cultivate
one's own garden."
Oh, well, well, Diane,
you took some liberties
with the derogatory
tense there, but...
I think we'll let it
slide this time, huh?
What the hell is this about?
I mean, just because I didn't
take your side against Carla?
No, no, Sam.
The problem with
Carla is only a symptom.
You see, it's
abundantly clear to me
that our working together
is making our lives miserable,
and it can only get worse.
Diane, you just
can't leave like that.
I mean, we should
have a party, you know?
Some booze, a lot of
pretzels, some munchies,
and get a lot of
people together.
Coach, you mean
kind of like this?
Well, I guess that's good-bye.
Sam, come on, you
don't need me tonight.
I want to go home
and start planning.
I... I...
Carla, what's the
matter, sweetheart?
Are you all right?
Don't you see?
My life hasn't exactly
been a bag of roses,
you know.
I mean, my old man
used to beat me.
I spent half my
childhood in reform school.
My husband was a rat.
He left me with four
hungry mouths to feed.
But this makes up for all that.
I am the happiest woman alive.
I'm sorry. I think
this is a mistake.
I mean, it's a tough town
out there. Norm, am I right?
Most employers
wouldn't spit on you
if your hair was on fire.
Oh, but you'll make it, kid.
I know you will.
You've got moxie.
I know, you all think I'm
nothing but a hothouse orchid,
unequipped to survive
in anything but a
rarefied atmosphere.
Well, I'll have you
know there's weed in me.
What a farewell speech.
Went on exactly
the right length.
Any more would have been
too much of a good thing.
Hey, you're really going
to do this, aren't you?
Sam, I'm doing this for us.
Really?
Yes. Now, don't you
want to spend your nights
with a woman who's fulfilled,
independent, self-actualized?
Well, I suppose it's worth a
shot. You got her number?
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi, Diane.
Hi, Diane.
I've wonderful
news. I've got a job!
Great! Write us about it.
Good for you.
I know you all thought
I was a social misfit,
unable to function
on the streets.
I not only got a
job, I got a great job.
Yeah, I'm a proofreader
for a small publishing house.
Isn't that perfect for me?
Oh, yeah. I'm proud of you.
Well, it's been two
weeks of hell, but I did it.
So, what's going on here, norm?
You've been looking for months.
And Diane goes out there,
snags a job in a couple of weeks.
It's easier for girls.
I mean, if god had
made me a woman,
I'd never be out of work.
Well, yeah, as long
as there are carnivals.
Hey, uh, Diane...
I was skeptical about
you finding something,
but I guess it won't kill me
to come out and
say congratulations.
Oh, thank you, Carla.
[Gasping]
Carla, get up, will you?
[Moaning]
So, when do you start?
Well, I'm not sure yet.
How come?
Well, the job isn't
exactly officially,
technically, completely,
finally definite.
You don't have the job?
No, I got the job.
You mean I poured
out my heart for nothing?
I... I...
Carla, I have the
job. I have the job!
It's jus that there's
one small formality
that has to be taken care of.
And that's what?
Well, Mr. Hedges said
he wanted a reference
from my previous employer.
He's gonna call you tonight.
You're going to say some
wonderful things about me, aren't you?
Sam, we're gonna
need more red wine here.
Ok. I'll tell him that you
are the best cocktail waitress
I've ever seen
in my entire life.
Then I'll tell him that I'd like
to sell him some land
in Florida that I own.
Really? Where is it?
We might be neighbors.
I wonder what Vera
is doing tonight.
Hey, by the way, normie, how
did you and Vera meet anyway?
Didn't I tell you this, coach?
We were in high school together.
We were?
Not you and I. Vera and I.
Oh, good.
She was a cute
little thing back then.
Boy, could she give a hickey.
Famous all over
the midwest for it.
She gave me one the
night of the senior prom.
Lasted till a year
ago Christmas.
Hey, give her a
call, big fella, huh?
I don't think so.
Normie.
Well, yeah. I probably should
just see how she's doing.
Here, normie. Save a dime. Wait.
Thanks, coach.
♪ Are you lonesome tonight ♪
♪ do you miss me tonight... ♪
Vera, it's norm.
How are you doing?
Great, great, great.
♪ Does your memory stray... ♪
So what are you up to?
You have a date?
Yes, I'm hurt.
Well, I know it's
been two weeks, but...
You know, it so happens,
I have a date myself.
Yeah, I've been getting around.
You don't believe me?
Hey.
She's right here. You
can talk to her yourself.
Hello.
Mrs. Peterson?
Thank you for letting normie go.
He's such an animal.
I've never known a man
who can thrill me
the way he does.
He touches me, and I'm a woman.
A total, quivering woman.
All right. Thanks, Carla.
Say, uh... Carla.
You want to...
You want to maybe, like,
get some coffee or something?
Get real.
[Telephone rings]
Hello. Cheers.
Yeah. He's in the back.
Who can I say is
calling? Hedges?
Oh, coach. That's my boss.
You the ducky hedges
who owes me 50 bucks?
Oh, sure! Anybody can say
they're not ducky hedges.
No! Coach!
What was the color
of red Wilson's hair?
Ducky!
You bet I'm an idiot for
loaning you 50 bucks,
you no-good chiseler!
I loaned you that money,
and you thought I was
gonna forget about it!
Well, I fooled you!
I remembered it!
Coach, come on. Let me have it.
Give it back when
you're through.
Hello?
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.
No, I've been
expecting your call.
You probably want to know all
about Diane chambers, right?
Well, I can make
this real simple.
She's, uh, she's brilliant,
she's competent, she's efficient,
and I recommend her completely.
What's that?
Man to man? Yeah?
What do you want to know?
I don't think I want to
answer that question.
No. I don't think
I want to answer.
Answer it.
Yeah, I've seen her naked.
Hello, Mr. Hedges,
this is Diane chambers.
You're the most
rotten, disgusting pig.
I wouldn't work
for you if it was...
How much?
Does that include medical?
What am I saying?
I wouldn't take your job
if it were the last
one in Boston.
You told him, Diane.
I can kiss that 50
bucks good-bye.
He was only
interested in my body.
You know, sometimes I'm
just ashamed to be a guy,
but if I made the switch now,
I'd have to buy a
whole new wardrobe.
Men are beginning
to really disgust me,
even more than before.
Oh, hey. Come
on, lighten up here.
I mean, one rotten apple just...
No, no. Not one.
We're talking orchards here.
The few scant offers
I've had for a job
have all had sexual
strings attached.
Boy, it just makes me
crazy to think of those guys
treating my squeeze
like a sex object.
Hear, hear.
Well, I guess I'm not going to
get any purely professional offers.
Listen, listen, why don't you
just come back here to the bar?
I mean, this is where you belong,
this is where your people are,
where your friends are,
where your big guy are. Huh?
Where my heart are.
Yeah. Hey, guys, I
think she's coming back.
Yay.
Hey, why don't you
let me go get my coat...
Then we'll go
over to my place...
And we'll celebrate
your homecoming.
Great.
You may need this.
Sam, I was just thinking.
Oh, yeah? I tried that
once. Never cared for it.
Come on, let's go.
[Coughing]
Sam.
Nice, huh?
Why did you rehire me just now?
I hired you
because you're the best
combination girlfriend/waitress
in the city,
and you stink as a waitress.
Exactly what I thought.
You hired me for
sexual purposes,
just like that swine
Mr. Hedges wanted to do.
Oh, come on. It's
completely different.
How is it completely different?
Well...
All right, all right,
for instance, uh...
You're nuts about me.
Yes. But who knows?
In time, I may have
become nuts about him.
Well, we had a few
things in common.
We both found me adorable.
That's good.
This is serious here.
All right, all right.
Now, how can I come back here
knowing that you think of me
as nothing but
your... Handmaiden?
You know, Diane,
it gets me the way you women
are always talking
about sex on the job,
I mean, as if you're
the only victims.
What about me?
What about you?
You telling me you took this job
because you wanted
to be a waitress?
Absolutely not. I...
I had a burning desire
to discover and explore
this vein of American culture.
Bull. You had a burning desire
to discover and explore
mount Sammy here.
What are you saying?
I'm saying you took this
job because I was here.
You had sex on your mind, too.
That's not true.
Not entirely true.
Yeah. Well, how do you
think it makes me feel
knowing the first
time you saw me
you undressed me with your eyes?
You have no regard
for my dignity as a man,
as an employer.
I was just a challenge to you,
another notch on your belt.
Well, let me tell you
something, miss chambers,
I'm a person, I have
dignity, too, you know.
I know you have
no regard for this job.
You continually tell me
that I have the
brain of a cucumber.
So what's left? The
only thing that's left
is that you want your
physical lust satisfied,
and that's where I come in.
Well, there's only
one thing to do.
I know, I know.
I'll undress and do my duty.
No, no.
No, you've shown me the light.
I've been a cad.
Ok. I propose that you and I
abstain from any
sort of physical contact
for a period of one month.
Strictly business for one month.
I think it's the only way that each
of us can regain our self-respect.
I think that's a very good idea.
It would help me out a lot.
Fine. One month
it is, Mr. Malone.
Miss chambers.
Oh. There is just
one more thing.
I think...
Please, have a seat.
I think that my
self-respect bounces back
just a little quicker
than you expect.
I think two weeks
of strictly business,
and I'd be back in peak shape.
You know, maybe
if I concentrate...
One week.
Well, I believe that
my recuperative powers
are even greater than yours.
A day would be fine with me.
You know, I think the
important thing here
is we both know in our
minds that we could stop.
I think...
I think an hour would
certainly prove that.
Well, from that argument
it follows that 15 minutes
would be adequate.
You know, I believe that's just
enough time to get back to my place.
Let's hurry.
a live studio audience.
I got it. Yeah, thank you.
Table ready
upstairs at melville's
for the Anderson party.
Table ready for
the Anderson party!
Your name is Anderson?
Yeah.
I guess there must be
two Anderson parties.
What's the first name?
Ernie, but they call me coach.
Coach, there are two
Anderson parties here.
Would you call
upstairs and find out
which Anderson
party gets the table.
Good idea.
Nick, we got a little
problem down here.
There are two Anderson parties.
Now, which one is it?
Oh, thanks, Nick. Thanks.
I got it.
I'm sorry. I was wrong.
It's not for the Andersons.
It's for the blubberbutts.
Table ready for
the blubberbutts!
Table ready for
the blubberbutts!
♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Dylan Thomas, delmore Schwartz,
Fitzgerald, faulkner...
They all virtually drank
themselves to death.
Gone before their time.
So, can I get you another round?
Oh, ohh.
Diane's mouth has
sprung a leak again.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
We have to leave. Could
we get our waitress now?
Sure.
Diane: Here's my theory
on the relationship
between alcohol and genius.
Writing is a very
lonely profession... oh!
Excuse me a moment.
Let me go. Carla.
Carla, please. Please.
Carla.
Here you go.
Could we get our check?
Certainly.
Carl, I told you before...
Keep your hands off Diane.
I will if you will.
Carla...
I have two things to say to you.
First, don't ever do
anything like that to me again
or you will regret it for the
rest of your miserable little life,
and the second, would this
a bad time to ask a favor?
For you, there's no good time.
I would greatly appreciate it
if you would switch
schedules with me
so that I could have
next Tuesday off.
No!
Oh, Carla.
Oriana fallaci is giving
a speech at Harvard.
Look, come on, please.
You've got to change with me.
I don't have to do nothing.
Before I do a favor for you,
I would rather be dragged
around town by my tongue.
Well, since you don't
feel strongly about it,
maybe Sam would
like to decide for us.
Ha! I'd rather flip a coin.
At least that way
I'd have a chance.
What is that mean
supposed to mean, please?
It means that ever
since you two started...
You know.
She gets away with things
the rest of us wouldn't.
I beg your pardon.
Carla, maybe you're right.
Maybe I have been
too easy on her.
I'll take her in the back
and teach her some obedience.
I got no feelings about
what you 2 do in private,
no matter how disgusting,
sickening, and putrid it is.
I just don't think
the rest of us
should suffer for it.
Carla, all I asked you to do
was switch nights off with me,
and you turn it into
a verbal lynching.
What's the big deal
changing one night with her?
There you go again
taking her side.
Huh, huh?
Ok. All right, all right.
Diane, work Tuesday night,
and let's just forget this
whole thing, will you?
Sam, you obviously don't realize
how important this
speech is to me.
It's only one night, Carla.
Hey, Diane, I think...
Carla, come on...
Does anyone want to buy a bar?
All right, Sam, relax. It's not
fair to put you through this.
Carla, I've changed my mind,
you don't have to switch with me.
Good, good.
Sam: Ok?
I've just come
to a very important decision.
Well, good for you.
Evening, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
Norman.
Would you like a beer, norm?
Let's see something
in a size 54, sudsy.
So how's life treating
you there, norm?
The same.
Oh, that's too bad, norm.
If not worse.
What's wrong, normie?
Nothing. A little
personal problem.
If it's anything you
want to talk about...
No. Thought I'd kind of sit here
and let it gnaw at
my gut for a while.
Now, normie, come on.
You're among friends here.
If you can't talk to us,
who can you talk to?
Yeah. That's right.
Not Vera, that's for sure.
She and I have split.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
What happened,
norm? What caused it?
Well, she said we no
longer communicate,
that I never listen to her...
A bunch of other
stuff. Yak yak yak.
Well, cheer up, norm.
Maybe this'll be good
for you somehow. Yeah?
Yeah. Absolutely.
Look at it this way.
You're a free man now, norm.
A carefree bachelor, huh?
Yeah, I do have a pad now.
Hey, where is it?
You know that big
beautiful building
down by the waterfront?
Holy mackerel!
Take a left there,
you drive for about
a half an hour.
Don't come at night.
No, I think this is gonna be a
whole new way of life for you.
You just got to get up and
around a little bit, you know?
Aw, I don't know.
Come on, man, come on.
What are you waiting for?
All right, all right.
All right, I'm going to do it.
Norman. Norman.
Norman. Norman.
Norman. Norman.
Stand back.
I'm on the prowl.
Slow up.
Aw, come on, man.
That was awfully
quick, there, norm.
They know where to find me.
Sam. Yeah?
Read this.
What is it?
My resignation.
Your what?
Read it, read it.
"Dear Sam..."
"Although my tenure here
"has been one of value
and enlightenment,
still..."
Il faut cultiver notre jardin.
Come on. First of all,
nobody resigns from a bar,
and second of all,
nobody resigns in Latin.
It's French, Sammy.
What does it mean?
Well, because of the
idiomatic peculiarities,
it can't really be
translated into English.
"One must cultivate
one's own garden."
Oh, well, well, Diane,
you took some liberties
with the derogatory
tense there, but...
I think we'll let it
slide this time, huh?
What the hell is this about?
I mean, just because I didn't
take your side against Carla?
No, no, Sam.
The problem with
Carla is only a symptom.
You see, it's
abundantly clear to me
that our working together
is making our lives miserable,
and it can only get worse.
Diane, you just
can't leave like that.
I mean, we should
have a party, you know?
Some booze, a lot of
pretzels, some munchies,
and get a lot of
people together.
Coach, you mean
kind of like this?
Well, I guess that's good-bye.
Sam, come on, you
don't need me tonight.
I want to go home
and start planning.
I... I...
Carla, what's the
matter, sweetheart?
Are you all right?
Don't you see?
My life hasn't exactly
been a bag of roses,
you know.
I mean, my old man
used to beat me.
I spent half my
childhood in reform school.
My husband was a rat.
He left me with four
hungry mouths to feed.
But this makes up for all that.
I am the happiest woman alive.
I'm sorry. I think
this is a mistake.
I mean, it's a tough town
out there. Norm, am I right?
Most employers
wouldn't spit on you
if your hair was on fire.
Oh, but you'll make it, kid.
I know you will.
You've got moxie.
I know, you all think I'm
nothing but a hothouse orchid,
unequipped to survive
in anything but a
rarefied atmosphere.
Well, I'll have you
know there's weed in me.
What a farewell speech.
Went on exactly
the right length.
Any more would have been
too much of a good thing.
Hey, you're really going
to do this, aren't you?
Sam, I'm doing this for us.
Really?
Yes. Now, don't you
want to spend your nights
with a woman who's fulfilled,
independent, self-actualized?
Well, I suppose it's worth a
shot. You got her number?
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi, Diane.
Hi, Diane.
I've wonderful
news. I've got a job!
Great! Write us about it.
Good for you.
I know you all thought
I was a social misfit,
unable to function
on the streets.
I not only got a
job, I got a great job.
Yeah, I'm a proofreader
for a small publishing house.
Isn't that perfect for me?
Oh, yeah. I'm proud of you.
Well, it's been two
weeks of hell, but I did it.
So, what's going on here, norm?
You've been looking for months.
And Diane goes out there,
snags a job in a couple of weeks.
It's easier for girls.
I mean, if god had
made me a woman,
I'd never be out of work.
Well, yeah, as long
as there are carnivals.
Hey, uh, Diane...
I was skeptical about
you finding something,
but I guess it won't kill me
to come out and
say congratulations.
Oh, thank you, Carla.
[Gasping]
Carla, get up, will you?
[Moaning]
So, when do you start?
Well, I'm not sure yet.
How come?
Well, the job isn't
exactly officially,
technically, completely,
finally definite.
You don't have the job?
No, I got the job.
You mean I poured
out my heart for nothing?
I... I...
Carla, I have the
job. I have the job!
It's jus that there's
one small formality
that has to be taken care of.
And that's what?
Well, Mr. Hedges said
he wanted a reference
from my previous employer.
He's gonna call you tonight.
You're going to say some
wonderful things about me, aren't you?
Sam, we're gonna
need more red wine here.
Ok. I'll tell him that you
are the best cocktail waitress
I've ever seen
in my entire life.
Then I'll tell him that I'd like
to sell him some land
in Florida that I own.
Really? Where is it?
We might be neighbors.
I wonder what Vera
is doing tonight.
Hey, by the way, normie, how
did you and Vera meet anyway?
Didn't I tell you this, coach?
We were in high school together.
We were?
Not you and I. Vera and I.
Oh, good.
She was a cute
little thing back then.
Boy, could she give a hickey.
Famous all over
the midwest for it.
She gave me one the
night of the senior prom.
Lasted till a year
ago Christmas.
Hey, give her a
call, big fella, huh?
I don't think so.
Normie.
Well, yeah. I probably should
just see how she's doing.
Here, normie. Save a dime. Wait.
Thanks, coach.
♪ Are you lonesome tonight ♪
♪ do you miss me tonight... ♪
Vera, it's norm.
How are you doing?
Great, great, great.
♪ Does your memory stray... ♪
So what are you up to?
You have a date?
Yes, I'm hurt.
Well, I know it's
been two weeks, but...
You know, it so happens,
I have a date myself.
Yeah, I've been getting around.
You don't believe me?
Hey.
She's right here. You
can talk to her yourself.
Hello.
Mrs. Peterson?
Thank you for letting normie go.
He's such an animal.
I've never known a man
who can thrill me
the way he does.
He touches me, and I'm a woman.
A total, quivering woman.
All right. Thanks, Carla.
Say, uh... Carla.
You want to...
You want to maybe, like,
get some coffee or something?
Get real.
[Telephone rings]
Hello. Cheers.
Yeah. He's in the back.
Who can I say is
calling? Hedges?
Oh, coach. That's my boss.
You the ducky hedges
who owes me 50 bucks?
Oh, sure! Anybody can say
they're not ducky hedges.
No! Coach!
What was the color
of red Wilson's hair?
Ducky!
You bet I'm an idiot for
loaning you 50 bucks,
you no-good chiseler!
I loaned you that money,
and you thought I was
gonna forget about it!
Well, I fooled you!
I remembered it!
Coach, come on. Let me have it.
Give it back when
you're through.
Hello?
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.
No, I've been
expecting your call.
You probably want to know all
about Diane chambers, right?
Well, I can make
this real simple.
She's, uh, she's brilliant,
she's competent, she's efficient,
and I recommend her completely.
What's that?
Man to man? Yeah?
What do you want to know?
I don't think I want to
answer that question.
No. I don't think
I want to answer.
Answer it.
Yeah, I've seen her naked.
Hello, Mr. Hedges,
this is Diane chambers.
You're the most
rotten, disgusting pig.
I wouldn't work
for you if it was...
How much?
Does that include medical?
What am I saying?
I wouldn't take your job
if it were the last
one in Boston.
You told him, Diane.
I can kiss that 50
bucks good-bye.
He was only
interested in my body.
You know, sometimes I'm
just ashamed to be a guy,
but if I made the switch now,
I'd have to buy a
whole new wardrobe.
Men are beginning
to really disgust me,
even more than before.
Oh, hey. Come
on, lighten up here.
I mean, one rotten apple just...
No, no. Not one.
We're talking orchards here.
The few scant offers
I've had for a job
have all had sexual
strings attached.
Boy, it just makes me
crazy to think of those guys
treating my squeeze
like a sex object.
Hear, hear.
Well, I guess I'm not going to
get any purely professional offers.
Listen, listen, why don't you
just come back here to the bar?
I mean, this is where you belong,
this is where your people are,
where your friends are,
where your big guy are. Huh?
Where my heart are.
Yeah. Hey, guys, I
think she's coming back.
Yay.
Hey, why don't you
let me go get my coat...
Then we'll go
over to my place...
And we'll celebrate
your homecoming.
Great.
You may need this.
Sam, I was just thinking.
Oh, yeah? I tried that
once. Never cared for it.
Come on, let's go.
[Coughing]
Sam.
Nice, huh?
Why did you rehire me just now?
I hired you
because you're the best
combination girlfriend/waitress
in the city,
and you stink as a waitress.
Exactly what I thought.
You hired me for
sexual purposes,
just like that swine
Mr. Hedges wanted to do.
Oh, come on. It's
completely different.
How is it completely different?
Well...
All right, all right,
for instance, uh...
You're nuts about me.
Yes. But who knows?
In time, I may have
become nuts about him.
Well, we had a few
things in common.
We both found me adorable.
That's good.
This is serious here.
All right, all right.
Now, how can I come back here
knowing that you think of me
as nothing but
your... Handmaiden?
You know, Diane,
it gets me the way you women
are always talking
about sex on the job,
I mean, as if you're
the only victims.
What about me?
What about you?
You telling me you took this job
because you wanted
to be a waitress?
Absolutely not. I...
I had a burning desire
to discover and explore
this vein of American culture.
Bull. You had a burning desire
to discover and explore
mount Sammy here.
What are you saying?
I'm saying you took this
job because I was here.
You had sex on your mind, too.
That's not true.
Not entirely true.
Yeah. Well, how do you
think it makes me feel
knowing the first
time you saw me
you undressed me with your eyes?
You have no regard
for my dignity as a man,
as an employer.
I was just a challenge to you,
another notch on your belt.
Well, let me tell you
something, miss chambers,
I'm a person, I have
dignity, too, you know.
I know you have
no regard for this job.
You continually tell me
that I have the
brain of a cucumber.
So what's left? The
only thing that's left
is that you want your
physical lust satisfied,
and that's where I come in.
Well, there's only
one thing to do.
I know, I know.
I'll undress and do my duty.
No, no.
No, you've shown me the light.
I've been a cad.
Ok. I propose that you and I
abstain from any
sort of physical contact
for a period of one month.
Strictly business for one month.
I think it's the only way that each
of us can regain our self-respect.
I think that's a very good idea.
It would help me out a lot.
Fine. One month
it is, Mr. Malone.
Miss chambers.
Oh. There is just
one more thing.
I think...
Please, have a seat.
I think that my
self-respect bounces back
just a little quicker
than you expect.
I think two weeks
of strictly business,
and I'd be back in peak shape.
You know, maybe
if I concentrate...
One week.
Well, I believe that
my recuperative powers
are even greater than yours.
A day would be fine with me.
You know, I think the
important thing here
is we both know in our
minds that we could stop.
I think...
I think an hour would
certainly prove that.
Well, from that argument
it follows that 15 minutes
would be adequate.
You know, I believe that's just
enough time to get back to my place.
Let's hurry.